HOW NOT TO STAKE A VAMPIRE
Flash Stories by C.D. Reimer
Copyright 2011 C.D. Reimer
Smashwords Edition / November 2011
"A Wild Fish Tale" and "Golem Got The Blues" were first published in Flash Fiction 2011: 365 Days of Flash Fiction anthology (Pill Hill Press / October 2010).
"Hog Wild Under The Moon" and "How Not to Stake A Vampire" were first published in Daily Bites of Flesh 2011: 365 Days of Flash Fiction anthology (Pill Hill Press / November 2010).
"An Unanswered Question" was first published in A Cup of Joe: Coffee House Flash Fiction anthology (Wicked East Press / April 2011). Special thanks to editor Jessica A. Weiss for allowing early reprint publication.
The cover art image was licensed from http://www.istockphoto.com.
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About The Author:
C.D. Reimer lives and works in Silicon Valley. His interests are ceramics, painting, tropical fish, and web programming. These keep him out of trouble when he’s not fixing broken users and consoling hurt computers.
After serving two tours through The Twilight Zone as a child and a young adult Christian, he writes about everyday reality that he often finds weird, twisted and absurd for being so normal.
He’s currently working on various short stories and his first
novel, and blogs about writing
and everything
else when he's not busy playing video
games writing fiction.
Connect With Me Online:
Smashwords.com: http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/cdreimer
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/cdreimer
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/cdreimer
Website: http://www.cdreimer.com
Writing Blog: http://blog.cdreimer.com
“When it comes to staking a vampire,” the apprentice whispered, holding his wooden stake and mallet over the heart of the male vampire in his coffin, “how precise must I be for the killing blow?”
“There’s nothing precise about staking a vampire,” the master whispered from the other side, no longer holding his stake and mallet over the female vampire in her coffin. Teaching a new apprentice on the job was always dangerous, especially with two vampires lying side by side inside the same crypt before sunset. “If you go in at an angle, you get a pissed off vampire with a ruined dress shirt.”
The apprentice looked over his shoulder. “She’s pretty.”
“Pretty but taken too young.”
The apprentice leaned over to pull down the silk gown that covered the female vampire’s bosom. The master slapped his hand away before that could happen.
“Why did you do that?” the apprentice whispered, shaking his hurt hand. “I just wanted a peek.”
“You tried to defile the dead,” the master replied. “A violation of professional ethics.”
“She’s undead.”
“Dead or undead, doesn’t matter. Defiling corpses is a bad reputation for a vampire hunter to have. You become worse than the monster you kill.”
“I don’t understand. We stake the vampire’s heart, shove garlic in their mouth, cut their head off, and burn everything on the funeral pyre. How is that not defiling the corpse?”
“Those steps are necessary to kill the vampire spirit. We still need to respect the human flesh. Besides, this female vampire appears to be underage. You’re not being paid to stake her and then deflower her as a bonus.”
“I wasn’t going to deflower her.”
“Wait until you’re alone with a female vampire. A peek here, a peek there. Next thing you’re dead with your pants down because the master vampire—or, God forbid, the girl’s father—catches you in the act. Not a fitting end for a vampire hunter.”