The
Kama Sutra of Celibacy:
101 Ways to be Successfully Celibate
C. L. Summers
Copyright 2011 by C. L. Summers
Published by C. L. Summers at Smashwords
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All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations taken from the Amplified® Bible, Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation Used by permission. (ww.Lockman.org)
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Direct quotations from the Bible appear in italic type.
For Worldwide Distribution, Printed in the U.S.A.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means, except in the case of brief quotations used in articles and reviews, without the prior written permission of the publisher or the author.
This book is designed for adult readers.
Please look for the teen version to be released soon.
I dedicate this book to all who choose to honor their heart, mind, soul, and body through walking the path of celibacy. You are not alone in this journey. There are others out there who are willing to wait with, and for you until marriage. Don’t sacrifice yourself for someone who isn’t willing to wait!
Table of Contents
Section I. Laying the Foundation for the Work Ahead
Building and Laying the Foundation
One: Trust in God
Two: Have Faith That You Will Achieve Your Goal, with God’s Help
Three: Say “Yes” to You and the Goal You’ve Set for Yourself
Four: Prepare Your Mind for the Mental Battle
Five: Keep Forgiveness in Your Front Pocket
Six: Keep “No” on a Chain around Your Neck
Seven: Fill Your Toolbox for the Battle
Eight: Recruit Soldiers in Your Army (Tell Others of Your Goal)
Nine: Know Your Value
Ten: Get Ready for the Journey
Eleven: Make the Decision to Live for God and Not for Self
Twelve: Last Time is the Last Time
Thirteen: Start Fresh Daily
Fourteen: Let Temptation Make You, Not Break You
Fifteen: Know Your Triggers – Your Five Senses
Sixteen: Learn Your Triggers – Smell
Seventeen: Learn Your Triggers – Taste
Eighteen: Learn Your Triggers – Sound
Nineteen: Learn Your Triggers – Sight
Twenty: Learn Your Triggers – Touch
Twenty-One: Learn Your Triggers – Memories
Twenty-Two: Learn Your Triggers – People, Places and Things
Twenty-Three: Surround Yourself with Like Minds
Twenty-Four: Clean Out Your House
Twenty-Five: Speak Your Present and Future into Reality (Control Your Mind)
Section II. For the Single Woman
Being Single During Special Occasions or the Holidays
Twenty-Six: Don’t Get Caught Up in Event or Holiday…Drama
Twenty-Seven: Remember What You “DO” Have, Not What You “DO NOT”
Twenty-Eight: Bring a Female Friend to a Holiday or Special Occasion Event
Twenty-Nine: Stay Active in Activities or Social Circles
Thirty: Sow into Someone Else’s Life
Thirty-One: Spend Time Figuring Out Who You Are and What You Want
Thirty-Two: Get a Personal Coach
Thirty-Three: Create a Vision Statement/Board
Thirty-Four: Keep Your Goals Posted before You
Thirty-Five: Improve on One Aspect of You/Your Life
The Long and Short of It (It’s Not Just a Journey, But a War)
Thirty-Six: Define Your Limitations
Thirty-Seven: Be Realistic with Yourself
Thirty-Eight: Create a Daily/Weekly Journal
Thirty-Nine: Stock Up Your Library
Forty: Call Your Life into Action
Forty-One: Speak to God Daily – Build Your Relationship
Forty-Two: Join/Start a Singles Ministry
Forty-Three: Form a Sister Circle
Forty-Four: Encourage Yourself to Go beyond Your Everyday Norm
Forty-Five: Spend Time Loving You
Forty-Six: Keep Men Out of Your Home at All Times
Forty-Seven: Go to Sleep
Forty-Eight: Increase Your Prayer Life
Forty-Nine: Don’t Go by How Things Look or Feel
Fifty: Celebrate Your Successes
Section III. For the Single Man
Strengthening the Inner Man
Fifty-One: Build on Your Relationship with God
Fifty-Two: Read and Learn What The Word Says about Pre-Martial Sex
Fifty-Three: Spend Time Praying and Fasting
Fifty-Four: Respect Your Spirit/Honor Your Body
Fifty-Five: Get a Male Role Model/Mentor
Fifty-Six: Have a Reason to be Celibate
Fifty-Seven: Keep Your Mind Right
Fifty-Eight: Set Standards/Limitations for Yourself
Fifty-Nine: Evaluate Your Relationships with Women
Sixty: Let Your Mind and Spirit Dictate Your Journey
Sixty-One: Get Your House in Order
Sixty-Two: Spend Time in a Woman’s Shelter
Sixty-Three: Respect Her Like She’s Your Mother/Daughter
Sixty-Four: Think about the Consequences before Acting
Sixty-Five: Have the No Sex Discussion
Sixty-Six: Be a Mentor to a Young Man
Sixty-Seven: Stay Out of the Strip Clubs/Compromising Places
Sixty-Eight: Limit/Cut Out the Guy Stories
Sixty-Nine: Move the TV and Stereo Out of the Bedroom
Seventy: Limit Alone Time with Female Friends
Seventy-One: Don’t Make/Answer the Booty Calls
Seventy-Two: Find Other Outlets of Release
Seventy-Three: Stay Busy
Seventy-Four: Pray, Pray and Pray Some More
Seventy-Five: Go to Sleep
Section IV. For the Single Couple
The Right Relationship
Seventy-Six: Right Person/Right Reasons
Seventy-Seven: Keep God First in Your Relationship
Seventy-Eight: Have the Discussion
Seventy-Nine: Take the Vow Together
Eighty: Engage in Counseling
Eighty-One: Keep Others Out of Your Business
Eighty-Two: Establish the Rules/Set Boundaries
Eighty-Three: Build a Bond of Trust and Respect
Eighty-Four: Share Your Secrets/Fears
Eighty-Five: Improve on Communication Daily
Eighty-Six: Write Each Other Love Letters
Eighty-Seven: Develop Non-Sexual Means of Intimacy
Eighty-Eight: Utilize Trigger Points with Caution
Eighty-Nine: Develop a New System of Rewards
Ninety: Fulfill a Non-Sexual Fantasy
Ninety-One: Spend a Day Doing Something the Other Likes
Ninety-Two: Create a Token of Love
Ninety-Three: Exercise Together
Ninety-Four: Learn Together
Ninety-Five: Cook Together
Ninety-Six: Do a Task That the Other Hates
Ninety-Seven: Set Goals, Celebrate When Achieved, Set New Ones
Ninety-Eight: Attend Church Together
Ninety-Nine: Pray Together
One Hundred: Embrace the Less Loved Things about Your Partner
One Hundred One: Spend Time Getting to Know the Family/Friends
of Your Partner
Introduction
I offer this book as a guide to help you be successful in your walk of celibacy. I don’t proclaim to be an expert or a great saint. What I am is a woman who has and continues to walk the path that you are now embarking upon. I share my experiences as my open testimony to support and encourage you to help you to meet your goal of celibacy.
Celibacy is not just a physical surrender; it is also mental, emotional and spiritual in nature. Because this is the case, we must address each of these facets when we arm ourselves for the task of living a life of celibacy. For this reason, we talk about each of these areas in this book. We can’t take celibacy, place it in a box, and put it up on a shelf, only to pull it out when we have an itch that we fear scratching. It’s good to pull it out at that time, but it’s great to keep it with you on a daily basis. Just as we need air, water, food and sleep daily, we must also acknowledge our sexual wants and desires daily. It doesn’t mean that we act on them, but that we acknowledge that they are there so we can learn how to control them, whatever that desire is. And let’s be real here. If you watch television, listen to music, read a book, drive or walk down a street, you will encounter something or someone with the potential to arouse some sense of sexual desire in you.
Okay, so let’s take all the enticers away. Say you’re a hermit living without books, television, phone and no method of getting any information from the outside world. Let’s say I give you that option (highly unlikely, but I’ll give it to you). You still have hormones raging through your body that crave to be fulfilled.
Think about a baby. An infant doesn’t know what milk or food is, but when their body begins to crave it, you will certainly know it. If you take too long to feed that baby, everyone in the near vicinity will know that that child has a need that needs to be met. If you’re the parent of that child they will be looking to you to help meet the needs of that crying child, as soon as possible. The same is true with our sexual desires. And for that reason, we must be mindful in how we deal with managing those desires.
So why do we need a book to help us on this journey of celibacy? Why do we even have to talk about it? We’re adults. We know how to conduct ourselves. We can simply make the choice to be celibate and move on with it, right? Wrong! It is not that simple. Sexual desires impact us every day of our lives whether we want them to or not. If we are not in control of our thoughts and feelings in this area of our lives, we are more susceptible to falling victim to our own will, instead of the will of God. We must guard our mind, our heart, our ears and our surroundings so we can control what enters our soul, our heart and our minds. The less we allow in the less we have to deal with on a daily basis.
Let’s look at it from a different approach. In the third year of his first term, (at the time this book was written), America’s first black president, Barack Obama, was virtually scandal-free. The most people tried to say about him was that he wasn’t born in this country. They saw his birth certificate detailing his place of birth, and yet they still tried to challenge it because there was nothing else for them to challenge or impeach him on. As far as anyone could tell at the time, President Obama’s record was squeaky-clean, save for the weed he smoked in college, which he already told us about in his books.
So why hadn’t we heard anything about Obama at this point? It’s because once he made the decision that he wanted to be president many years ago, he held to his goal of one day occupying the White House. From that moment on, the future Commander-in-Chief began guarding his heart, his mind, his ears, his confidants and his environment. He did this because he didn’t want to have something negative from his past resurface, one day down the line, and jeopardize his chances of him reaching his ultimate goal.
Another strategic move Obama made was to recruit an army of supporters to help him with his goal. He spoke to everyone about what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go. He believed in who he was, what he was doing and made everyone he encountered believe in his goal, supporters and non-supporters alike. Everyone knew of his goal and they either helped him or tried to hinder him in achieving it. The beauty of sharing his goal with supporters and non-supporters is that Obama then knew how to interact with each of those groups.
Obama knew what limitations to place on some and how much access to grant to others. He was successful in winning his run to the White House, in part, because he constantly kept his goal before him. He spoke on it and acted on it daily. He recruited soldiers to build his army, and established his limitations and mode of operation with those against him. These are some of the same principles that you’ll read about in each of the four sections of this book to help you have a successful walk of celibacy.
Another example of someone who followed a standard of living and saw it pay off greatly in her life is media mogul Oprah Winfrey. She has guarded herself and surrounded herself with people who would support and encourage her. Winfrey limited her time with those looking to derail her or meant her harm. It’s because of that fierce mindset and determination that she is one of the most revered women in modern history.
* * * * *
As you progress through this book, pay attention to words that are underlined. They are “survival” words to guide you in your reading. These key survival words are action or focus words to help you zero in on the idea or lesson of the topic that you are reading. Don’t be a passive reader of these words. Instead, be an active reader and doer. These words will be salt beneath your feet when the road gets slippery. They will serve as your light at the end of the tunnel. So pay attention and hold them close. For now I will begin with a short list of words to get you started. As more survival words begin to speak to you through your walk with God, add them to the list and carry them with you each day. These words will become part of your testimony as you help others reach the journey that you have just begun!
Faith, Courage, Worthy/Worthwhile, Strength, Promise, Support
Forgiveness, Goal, Commitment, Love, Yes
(and all too important) NO!
Words of Encouragement
There is one very important reminder that I must give you that seems obvious but still needs to be stated. It is so critically important that you get this, as it will propel you forward in your walk. Following your relationship and belief in God, you must love and embrace You! Know and understand your value to you, to God and to the world as a whole. Know who You are! You are a child of God. If you don’t fully and completely love and embrace You, your journey will be that much harder. By loving and embracing You, You will want, seek and desire nothing but the best for You. Wanting the best for You is wanting all that God wants and has for You, and to be pleasing in the eyesight of the Father who loves You dearly. You obtain and achieve His favor with your love and obedience to Him. But if You can’t fully love and embrace You, how can You truly love and obey the Father? It all starts with love.
This realization came to me after watching pre-concert footage of pop star Lady Gaga in her dressing room right before a show at Madison Square Garden. She is a multi-millionaire and a mega superstar many times over with an uncountable fan base, or “Little Monsters” as she calls them. Yet, with all of her success and fame, Gaga, in that video, still sees herself as a failure and a skinny, little high school girl wanting and lacking love. What this revealed to me was that no matter what heights of fame she achieves, she would always feel that way until she learns to truly love and embrace herself. Until she learns to appreciate herself for who she is, she will always fall short of the mark in her own eyes. Therefore, she will always struggle to reach her goals, even when she has surpassed them in the eyes of the world.
The journey that you are embarking on is a great and difficult one. Don’t make it any harder for yourself by forgetting to start with one of the most basic and crucial building blocks of loving and embracing You!
So roll up your sleeves, take notes, recruit your army and get to work!
Note: From time to time you will see “we” being used, don’t be confused. The “we” is God and myself, as He is speaking through me in many of the words that I write. I alone am not enough to provide guidance in this work!
How to Use This Book
The Kama Sutra of Celibacy: 101 Ways to be Successfully Celibate is not your ordinary book, but you probably already figured that out. It is no accident that you are reading this book. Something in your spirit and heart has drawn you to these pages. That spirit is God. He knew that you were struggling in this area and has sent this book especially for you. Yes, You! The devil wants you to believe that you are not strong enough to take on this journey and succeed. But God says, yes you are and has sent His word to guide you through this process.
Please take heed when reading this book as there is a formula laid out to guide you through each step and to set you on the path of success. The formula is easy. All you have to do is to read this book in order, pray, have faith, meditate on the words found in these pages and put them into action. That’s it. It’s that simple!
I know with this book being laid out in 101 ways you will be tempted to jump around at random in your reading. You can get helpful tips by doing so, but you are not accessing the full power of this book if you do that. The book was initially designed to be shared in four parts, but was combined into one to ensure that you get the full breadth of all of its parts. Each section is designed as a building block upon the previous section in the same way that God instructs us to put on the full suit of armor.
Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
-Ephesians 6:13-17 (NLT)
Be cautioned, this book is not as effective read in parts as it is as a whole. Just as Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven® Life was best read and followed by going in the order of the 40 days, so is this book. Each step builds on the last step. First you must start with learning the foundation (Section I), the ground rules. Then you must learn what it is like for men and women to live as a single celibate (Sections II and III). Finally, once you have gained all that knowledge, you are now ready to move forward in celibacy as a celibate couple (Section IV).
Don’t cheat yourself or your current or future partner by not putting in the work. You can’t become a senior in high school or college by not first being a freshman, sophomore, and a junior first. Follow the steps and you will complete your journey and graduate with success!
SECTION I
Laying the Foundation for the Work Ahead
Building and Laying the Foundation
1: Trust in God
Know that He has got your back and won’t ever give you more than you can handle. He will always provide you with a way out or guidance in every situation that you face. When it seems that your task is insurmountable, you have a secret weapon that you can call on at any time regardless of where you are and who is around. That weapon is the name of Jesus, who is the Son of God. There is great and tremendous power in that name and it can bind your enemies on the spot! I have done it and seen it for myself. So I know it works!
I had an incident once where someone was yelling at me. Then I remembered that calling on the name of Jesus can and will stop him in his tracks. As he spoke, I called the name Jesus in my head, over and over again and that person began stumbling and fumbling all over his words. He then became so frustrated that his only course of action was to just shut up! I didn’t have to do a thing other than call on Jesus’ name and the attack stopped instantly. The only thing left for him to do was to walk away from me. That man had no clue what had just happened to him. Use this weapon when you are in a situation that you don’t know how to get out of, or when faced with someone who doesn’t seem to understand the word “NO!” It is so simple and yet so powerful. It is but one small example of how trusting in God can see you through and how He can provide a way out of any situation!
When you don’t know which way to go or what to do, STOP. Take a breath and remember that God will direct your path in the right direction if you allow Him to do so. Trust Him to take over the reins, and then let go.
2: Have Faith That You Will Achieve Your Goal, with God’s Help
We can’t do it alone! God is there to help us. He wants us to turn to Him for help in everything that we do. This is why He is always available to us day or night. If we are aligning ourselves with His word, then He is faithful to help us achieve it.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
–Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
God wants to help us succeed in life, but we need to have faith in Him; that He will do what He has promised in His Word. If you believe that you can do it, then you can. If you do not believe, you may as well stop reading now as nothing else I say can or will help you if you don’t have faith that you will be successful in this area.
3: Say “Yes” to You and the Goal You’ve Set for Yourself
“Yes, I can do it! Yes, I will make it through to the end! Yes, I am worth it. Yes, I am worth the wait!” At the beginning of this book we talked about loving and embracing yourself. Part of loving and embracing You is saying, “Yes, I am worth the wait!” If you don’t first believe, no one else will believe. Saying, “yes” to you will ward off those who don’t want to see you succeed. Believe me they are out there. And if this doesn’t ward them off, identify them as people who are not worthy to go with you on this journey. Move on without them.
4: Prepare Your Mind for the Mental Battle
The battle will not be physical alone. Remember, wars are lost in the mind before a foot ever touches a grain of sand. The children of Israel are a perfect example of how not preparing your mind for the battle ahead can cause you to be unsuccessful in obtaining your goal. God promised them that He would take them to the Promised Land. But instead of just trusting in His word, they made it up in their minds that the giants who resided in that land were too strong for them to face, even though God had already promised them victory (Numbers 13: 30-33).
Know why you’re doing this and what your expected goal is before you start this journey. You will need to keep this in front of you every step of the way! Be ready, your mind may play tricks on you and develop clever schemes and tactics to persuade you that you don’t need to be celibate or at the very least, not celibate 100% of the time. Don’t be fooled. It is just a trick from the devil to get you to turn to his way of doing things, instead of God’s way.
5: Keep Forgiveness in Your Front Pocket
You will need it! You may not be as successful as you’d like to be in the beginning, in the middle or even towards the end of your walk. But should you fail, forgive yourself and ask God to forgive you and He will. He will also wipe away your tears and wash the slate clean.
For me, the first six months can be a bit difficult starting out. But after that, it’s pretty much smooth sailing from there - until I hit the next hill! One of my favorite songs is titled “I Try,” by singing duo Mary Mary. The song talks about what happens when we try to do things in our own strength instead of God’s strength. It talks about how we can get back on the right path, with God’s help. I’ve turned to this song many times for encouragement during the times I have not been as strong, or as successful as I’d like to be on this journey. It talks about God’s forgiveness and His granting of another chance. It talks about learning to let go of your mistakes and moving forward afresh, with God.
Grasping this step is critically important because of the direction in which it can take you. Whenever I failed in meeting the standards I set for myself, I’d spend days in sorrow and regret for what I had done and I couldn’t move forward until I got over it, eventually. That is why I love this song so, because it speaks the truth. At some point we are all going to fail in some area of our life. We are human. If not in the walk of celibacy, in the area of being a good friend or whatever area we desire to do right. No matter how hard we try, it will occur. But the beauty is that God is there to catch us, pick us up and take us to the next step, stronger than we were before we fell.
Once we ask God for His forgiveness (with a sincere heart), He gives it to us. So if God is able to forgive you and throw your sins into the depths of the sea (Micah 7:18-19.), then who are we to hold onto the guilt of the sin? Forgive yourself and don’t let the devil allow you to punish yourself for something that your Heavenly Father has already absolved of you. Forgive yourself, learn from it and move on with the lesson learned in hand for the next battle.
6: Keep “NO” on a Chain around Your Neck
Old friends, lovers and those you wanted to get with or “try out,” but couldn’t or never thought you would have the opportunity with, can (and some will) find your number or run into you while at the grocery store or some other random place. Satan loves to get in your way when you’re working for and with God. But our Father has armed us with a mighty tool: “NO,” “NO THANKS,” “NO, I’LL PASS!”
But God doesn’t just stop there. He’ll also provide you with an escape route to get you out of there after you’ve struck and clubbed them with your mighty weapon of “NO!”
7: Fill Your Toolbox for the Battle
Tools of the trade include, but are not limited to:
A good Bible (A One-Year Bible can be very helpful. No matter what any given day brings, the assigned readings for that day always has a word to give me solace.)
A few gospel CDs (I love Mary Mary, always a great song to be found!)
The Bible Promise Book (I have my friend “Tanya” to thank for mine!)
A prayer closet (A space for you and Jesus to talk uninterrupted.)
A Christian mentor/friend to talk things through and to remind you of your goals when you sometimes want to forget.
Bible verse websites or phone applications – BibleInfo.com, Bibletools.org and BibleGateway.com are good ones. (On my iPhone I have Just 1 Word/Bible +1 app. With this app I am able to go to a specific book and verse and read it in one version or with a click or two, switch to many other versions of the Bible for that same scripture.)
There are other Bible apps that you can find that will meet your needs and many are free. Find one that you like and load it onto your smart phone so it’s available anywhere or anytime you need it.