Pleasure
The Secret Ingredient in Happiness
Marisol Garcia Westberg, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2011 Marisol Garcia
All rights reserved.
Pink Soda Publishing
Orange, CT 06477
ISBN: 978-1466340992
FOREWORD
Pleasure has gotten a bad rap in many societies. Engaging in pleasure is believed to be an indulgence that can lead to self-destruction. Images of orgies involving food, drugs and sex come to mind when the word “pleasure” is mentioned. Perhaps pleasure is stigmatized as dangerous because it threatens the need we have to work strenuously. In the United States, we follow Protestant/Puritan teachings of diligence, stringent use of time, sacrifice, and the postponement of pleasure.1 Enjoyment is deferred until financial stability is achieved.
I propose that we work zealously partly because we have to and partly because we believe that it will provide us with happiness. We believe that diligence, sacrifice and the postponement of pleasure will lead us to success and well-being. Our success and value as a person are determined by hard work and how much we engage in moderation and sacrifice.
What we don’t realize is that happiness depends more on how much pleasure we experience than on how much success we achieve. Prominent researchers argue that engaging in pleasurable activities is a crucial component to happiness. They declare that happy people are flourishing human beings and are better off emotionally and physically.2 Dr. Schindlera, author of How to Live 365 Days a Year, argues that the most common cause of unhappiness is the act of deferring pleasure for the future3. Similarly, Maxwell Maltzb, states that people “do not live, nor do they enjoy life now, but wait for some future event or occurrence.”4
I was raised between two cultures that have different views on pleasure. My American culture believes that life is best led through stringent management of time, sacrifice, moderation, and austerity. My Dominican culture taught me the exact opposite. In the Dominican, engaging in pleasure is a life long pursuit. Dominicans live to experience pleasure.
I am always amused by the fact that attendance at American social gatherings most often results in discussions regarding what I do for a living, while Dominican social gatherings almost never involve discussions regarding work. I have struggled with these differing views. I knew I could justify working as good for me (to a certain extent) in both cultures, but I couldn’t justify engaging in pleasure in the United States.
When I became a therapist and a researcher, I found myself thinking about happiness repeatedly. I wanted to find the best way to help myself and others heal from pain. One day I asked my nine-year-old daughter why it seemed that children were happier than adults. She said it was because children played and adults worked. It was so obvious to her that she added, “Duh, mom.”
Her comment incited me to research the connection between pleasure and happiness. I spent three years reading, thinking, discussing, and practicing happiness and pleasure. I found the answers I needed to settle the “battle” I had between pleasure and work.
I learned that a lifestyle focused on pleasure increases physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. My goal in this book is to provide you with information regarding pleasure and its connection to happiness and to motivate you to expand and enhance your pleasurable experiences so that your sense of well-being and happiness are maximized.c
The Pleasure in Happiness
We all want to be happy. It doesn’t matter where we live or what we do.5,6,7 Most people would choose happiness over an abundance of money, sex, prestige, or power because without happiness there isn’t any sense to having these things. Happiness is our incentive for living. Incentives for living have not changed over time. Aristotle stated that people desire what they desire because they believe it will lead them to happiness.8
What Influences Happiness?
The dictionary definition of happiness is “a feeling of well-being and contentment.”9 There are as many ways to define happiness as there are differences in peopled. Although we may have different definitions as to what happiness is, most of us would say we want more of it. How do we get happiness? Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor at University of California and author of The How of Happiness has come up with a happiness model. She has identified three factors responsible for the happiness we experience:e,10
Genetics (50%)
Context/Circumstances (10%)
Activities (40%)
It is argued that genes determine 50% of the happiness we feel throughout life.f,11 Some scholars state that we cannot try to be happier as genetics determine an individual’s happiness “set point.”12 In other words, there are people who are just “naturally” happier than others.
Context (age, events, income, social class, education, location, etc.) is reported to have a smaller influence on happiness.13 For example, research studies indicate that money (after a certain point) does not make you any happier. They argue that any increase in income after 90,000/year does not make anyone any happier.14,15
Scholars explain that events that we experience, good or bad, are rapidly forgotten. Brickman, Coates, & Janoff-Bulman coined the term, “hedonic treadmill,” which refers to the idea that people eventually adapt to life events (e.g. winning the lottery, marriage, divorce, death of a loved one).16 The effects events have on a person are transient.g Meaning that people’s level of happiness does not change regardless of what happens to them.h After the event occurs, people adapt and become as happy or as miserable as they were before the event occurred.i
Researchers studied people who won the lottery and found that most went back to their “natural” happiness level after a period of time.17 In the same manner, other researchers found that quadriplegics and paraplegics adapted to their circumstances after 2 months.18 Researchers have continously come across the fact that people are resilient and will maintain their level of well-being regardless of what happens to them.19,20,21
Although genetics and context are difficult things to control, we do have some control over the activities in which we engage. Scholars state that forty percent of our happiness is determined by our engagement in pleasurable activities.22 In other words, we can manipulate happiness by managing pleasurable activities. Furthermore, researchers argue that genetic and contextual influences can be overridden if activities are given more attention.23 That is, your brain can be “rewired.”24 Hence, if you are born with particular genetic inputs for happiness, your upbringing and context can change these genetic factors.
Furthermore, scholars argue that genes merely predispose you to engage in particular activities and that it is the activities in which you engage that influence your happiness.25 In other words, having inherited a cheerful disposition will drive you to engage in social activities that will, in turn, provide you with happiness. However, if you do not have a cheerful disposition but engage in social activities, the engagement in social activities will make you happier, which will in turn give you a cheerful disposition. In the end, we may be lucky to get the happy gene or doomed if we don’t, but engaging in particular behaviors can alter our luck.26
Researchers have found that happy people can list more enjoyable or pleasurable activities than those who are less happy. They state that happy people usually spend far more time, on average, doing such "fun" things.27 In other words, happy people spend more time engaging in pleasure than others.
A study at the University of Missouri compared students who made intentional changes in their activities (e.g. joining a club) to students who experienced a positive event (e.g. winning a scholarship) and found that the students who changed their activities had more sustained happiness than those who experienced a significant positive event in their lives.28,29 Dr. Fordycej found that accounts of well-being increased when he instructed his students to do what happy people do.30 As a result, Dr. Fordyce came up with 14 fundamental directives for happiness.k
It doesn’t take a bunch of research to see the logic behind the notion that adding more pleasure to our lives would make most of us happier. But the reality is we don’t listen to this logic. We refrain from giving pleasure the importance that it deserves. A large number of us spend most of our time engaging in activities that are not pleasurable. Why do we go for a whole week or day without pleasure?
Some of us may answer that we don’t have the time, money, and/or energy.l Or, that we have to make sure to work really hard in order to have fun in the future. Or even worse, we may say that we are not having fun regularly because it has become a habit.
I believe that many of these excuses are propelled by societal beliefs. People believe that pleasure will lead to social maladies such as unintended pregnancy, crime, addiction, etc. Furthermore, we adhere to societal beliefs that engagement in pleasure leads people away from hard work and progress — the basis of our economic system. Lastly, how hard a person works has become a manner by which many societies judge human value.
Hedonia vs. Eudaimonia
Scholars state that happiness can be achieved by way of hedonia or eudaimonia.31,32 Hedonism refers to the experience of pleasure and eudaimonism refers to the experience of meaning making and self-development.m,n,o,33 In general researchers give more importance to eudaimonia than hedonia.34 They state that those who engage in hedonism experience momentary or fleeting experiences of happiness and those who engage in eudaimonia will have long lasting happiness.
Most of us would agree that long-term, meaningful, and growth inducing activities are better than momentary and “thoughtless” experiences of pleasure. However, when I went over the literature on happiness something didn’t sit right for me. I knew my experience has been that of belonging to a group of people that constructs engaging in pleasure for the sake of pleasure as (inherently) meaningful. The scholarly discussions were different from my personal experiences. I concluded that the problem I perceived in the literature was rooted in the fact that the assumptions made by these scholars were not reflective of my lived experience.
The distinction between hedonia and eudaimonia may be unnecessary because it is based on the assumption that momentary or fleeting feelings of pleasure are not meaningful or growth producing in of themselves. In other words, scholars assume that eating a piece of chocolate, for example, does not contribute to long-term happiness because it is not growth producing or meaningful. I argue that it is meaningful, as long as experiencing pleasure is constructed as meaningful.p
In fact, research has found that people in happier nations give leisure time upmost importance. Furthermore, because valuing leisure time did not indicate less concern for the meaning of life in their studies, scholars conclude that hedonism “does not imply a superficial approach to life.”35
Furthermore, engaging in pleasure has been documented to be instrumental to our emotional, cognitive and physical well-being.36,37. When something is instrumental to our well-being, logic tells us that its pursuit is meaningful as well. It is simply a matter of thinking about pleasure in a different way.
In the end, meaning is a social construction that is dependent on a social group and its context. Hence, researchers cannot distinguish with any exactitude whether it is the activity or the meaning given to the activity that produces long-term happiness. That is, meaning is not inherent to an activity but rather depends on social construction.
What Can Pleasure Do For You?
My assumption in writing this book is that increases in happiness and increases in pleasure go hand in hand. In other words, an increase in pleasurable activities will result in an increase in happiness. Hence, I conclude that experiencing pleasure is a primal component of happiness. Consequently, I claim that the benefits derived from happiness are the same as those for pleasure. My review of the happiness literature revealed the following benefits to being happy:q
Physical
Strong immune system40
Physical arousal and excitement45
Feelings of aliveness, vitality, and energy46
Awareness of environment. Senses come alive and the world
becomes “richer and more vibrant”49
Cognitive
Positive affect50
Positive thinking51
Pleasant memories and recollections52
Good memory53
Fluency in thought processes56
Decisive action57
Present oriented58
Development of the brain59
Emotional
Feeling that life is “full and abundant”63
Feeling that life is more meaningful64
Feeling closer to others and environment72
Feelings of being loved and admired73
Good mental health77
Attainment of self ideal78
Psychological resistance and resilience79
Less likely to have substance abuse history80
Social
Positive attitude towards others81
Rich social interactions84
Involvement in activities87
Liked by others88
Global
Work
Enjoyment satisfaction in work99
Collaboration at work100
Promotions/better evaluations101
Ability to hired and get better jobs102
More likely to graduate103
What is Pleasure?
Pleasure is the object, duty and the goal of all rational creatures. Voltaire
People react in two ways when I talk about pleasure. The first is by thinking that I am being kinky. The second is by becoming fearful that I will lead them onto the devil’s path. Pleasure is immediately connected to excessive use of drugs and sex. It is equated with rampant abandonment of self and others.
Throughout history many people, religions, and schools of thought have believed that virtue, honesty, fellowship, and health are compromised when we engage in pleasure. Pleasure has been blamed for a number of social problems including bankruptcy, corruption, poverty, drug addiction, rape, and suicide. Most people believe pleasure can be detrimental to long-term happiness.104
The United States has become a powerful nation because it has been dedicated to acts that are far removed from pleasure, such as hard work, diligence, austerity, and sacrifice. Our economic structures thrive on work ethics that promote disengagement from pleasure. It appears that many people are convinced that pleasure is dangerous. Researchers, on the other hand, are convinced that pleasure is necessary for a healthy and happy life and that we get physically and mentally ill without it.
The definitions provided by Webster’s dictionary for pleasure are, “a state of being pleased,” “sensual gratification,” or “a source of delight or joy.” Pleasure can occur before an act (anticipated pleasure), in the act, or after the act (remembered pleasure).105 Pleasures are most often part of a process (before, during, and after) involving interaction with an object, thought, another living being, and/or feeling.
We often feel pleasure through physical sensations (touch, smell, sight, hearing), but we also feel pleasure through non-physical sensations (accomplishing a goal, fantasizing, understanding something, or experiencing art). Although pleasure is often divided into physical and non-physical pleasures, all pleasures involve a combination of physical and non-physical experiences. Our physical sensations influence our non-physical experiences and vice versa.
For example, when we feel pleasure after accomplishing a goal, it triggers chemical reactions (e.g. dopamine) in the body that incite the reward centers in our brain. At the same time, when we feel pleasure from someone’s touch, our thoughts and emotions are activated. All in all, physical and non-physical pleasures exist simultaneously as the body is always connected to the mind.
Pleasure Gloss
Scholars write that feeling pleasure involves accepting an experience and wanting more of it.106,r They argue that our brains place a “gloss” on experiences in order to decide how pleasurable they are or will be. Basically, the gloss is the value that we give an experience. So, if I smell bread, my brain places a gloss on the experience of smelling the bread. It places a value on the smell of bread. The value we give to an experience is determined by many factors.
Some scholars argue that value is determined by the usefulness of the experience. Hence, in the case of smelling bread, pleasure would be determined by how useful smelling bread is to us. Other scholars would say value is determined by whether or not an activity decreases pain. Consequently, the value of smelling bread would be determined by how much pleasure compared to pain we get when smelling bread. Still, other scholars contend that value is a function of whether or not the experience contributes to our survival. So, if smelling bread is necessary for our survival, we would derive more pleasure from it than if it was not. All in all, whether or not an experience is pleasurable is partly dependent on the value we give to that experience.
The meanings we attach to experiences determine the value of that experience, and hence determine pleasure. Meaning making is a cognitive and emotional process influenced by social beliefs, customs, and attitudes. In other words, the meaning we give to an experience comes from our interactions with our social environment. Meanings can change dramatically with time and place.
For example, at this point in time in the United States, having intimacy with your partner means that the relationship is successful. However, intimacy would not be an indicator of a successful relationship in another country (Dominican Republic) or at another point in time (Victorian Age). To give another example, when my partner strokes me, I attach meaning to the stroking. I may understand that the stroking is a sign of love, given current American societal indoctrinations. Hence, the stroking and the thought that my partner loves me give me pleasure. Similarly, a meaning of love will provide me with more pleasure than a meaning of abuse.
Pleasure Rewards
The value we give an experience is generally determined by the rewards we gain in the following domains:
Sensory (heart beat change, muscle relaxation)
Social (monetary, power, relationships, identity)
Cognitive (sense of accomplishment, sense of identity, morality)
Emotional (love, joy, desire, relaxation, escape)
It is impossible that any one of these domains, in isolation from the others, results in pleasure. Social, cognitive, emotional, and sensory experiences are interdependent. They influence one another. For example, we cannot talk about sensory experiences without talking about cognitive experiences and vice versa. Hence, value is most often determined by how rewarding an experience is in more than one, if not all, of these domains. Think of a kiss – the pleasure experienced depends on the rewards received from the following:
Sensory experience (feeling the softness and heat of another set
of lips, heart racing, sexual urges)
Social experience (potential for power, identity, etc.)
Cognitive experience (the meaning we give to the kiss)
Emotional experience (potential for love, resistance, relaxation).
To give another example, the pleasure experienced when looking at a piece of art will depend on the rewards received from the following:107
Sensory experience (getting goose bumps or our heart may start racing)
Social experience (we may feel connected to others or to the artist)
Cognitive experience (we may think about the time and skill that was
necessary to produce the work)
Emotional experience (the piece or art may bring out feelings of
sadness, hope, fear).
An increase in any one domain will most likely lead to an increase in another domain because of their interdependence. Hence, if I increase the pleasures that are cognitively based, the pleasures I experience in the other domains will also increase. To give an example, exercise makes my body feel good in a physical/sensory manner. Consequently, feeling good physically makes me think about the world in a different manner. Thinking and feeling good makes me feel more confident and more able to connect with others. In the end, feeling pleasure involves social, emotional, cognitive, and sensory experiences in one way or another.
The Variety in Pleasure
Pleasure varies from individual to individual even when they reside in the same social environment. Pleasure will vary in intensity from person to person because we are all attracted to different pleasures.108 What is pleasurable for one person may not be for another. In a similar vein, the pleasure one individual derives from an experience (e.g., sex) changes throughout life depending on age, surroundings, health, etc. The extent of the pleasure we feel depends on our external state and internal states.
External states include quality, expectation, and frequency. For example, I will feel more pleasure from eating steak than from eating ground beef (quality). I also will feel more pleasure if the meat is served by the best chef in the world (expectation and quality). Quantity also determines pleasure. The pleasure derived from eating ice cream changes depending how many ice creams have been eaten already and whether one more ice cream is useful to us.
Internal states include genetic endowment, health, emotional and cognitive abilities, and physical states. Genes may draw one to some pleasures and not others. Similarly, emotional and cognitive abilities will determine the extent or quality of pleasure one feels. Additionally, the state of health that an individual possesses will determine how able they are to experience pleasure. Lastly, physical states, such as when one is hungry, hot, or horny will determine the extent of pleasure they feel.
Irrational Pleasures
Although I discuss the experience of pleasure as something logical, calculated, and conscious, it really is not. Rarely do we sit down and make a list of rewards in each area of life when deciding how much pleasure we are feeling. Most often experiencing pleasure happens instantaneously and with an unnoticeable thought process. There are times when experiencing pleasure does not even happen in a conscious state.109 Researchers have noted that the brain registers pleasure responses to events that are experienced unconsciously.110 Similarly, many pleasurable experiences occur outside of our awareness.111 For example, I may take a shower everyday but not equate it to pleasure because,
I am not giving it attention
It has become a habit
I am not used to saying that things feel good
I’ve never thought that taking a shower is something to be relished
I am not in touch with sensations in my body
The Language of Pleasure
The language we use determines pleasure. Pleasure is not a word in some languages, but in every language there are words that connote feeling good.112 Language is important because it determines thoughts, feelings, and awareness. Although we can express pleasure without verbal language (through a smile), language holds possibilities for constraint and expansion of feelings, thoughts, and awareness.
To give an example, if I become sexually attracted to someone, I feel something different in my body and there is no need for language. But if I attach language, such as “sexual desire,” to the experience, then the feeling is open to transformation. If the words “sexual desire” have a bad connotation, the sexual attraction that I feel in my body is transformed. At the same time, if “sexual desire” has a positive meaning, the feeling is transformed as well. Additionally, many people connect the word “pleasure” to evil and have a hard time labeling their experiences as pleasurable. In the end, the meaning behind the word “pleasure” transforms the bodily experience of pleasure as well.
The Importance of Pleasure
Scholars have noted that a lack of pleasure in life leads to undesirable emotional and mental states.113 Depression, schizophrenia, addiction, anxiety, and obesity have been reported to be indicative of a “missing ability to experience pleasure.”114 Pleasure appears to be necessary for a healthy emotional life.
Pleasure helps us get in touch with ourselves as it forces us to identify our needs, wants, and desires. In order to engage in activities that are pleasurable, we must know what we enjoy. It is a common belief in the psychotherapy world that a strong sense of self is healthy. We may find that after some dedication to making pleasure important, we become less ruled by what others want and think and more loyal to our own needs, desires and thoughts. This is often the goal of psychotherapy and a successful approach to healing emotionally.
In the documentary by National Geographic, Stress: Portrait of a Killer, it is reported that chronic stress is fatal. The researchers found that the animals in their research studies with low levels of dopamine (pleasure) have the most stress. They go on to state that stress is responsible for numerous ailments in U.S. society including obesity, diabetes, heart problems, etc. They argue that Americans are in awe of people who are superhuman in terms of managing work and responsibilities. Americans value those who are stressed out rather than valuing a more balanced and stress-free life.
The Pleasure in Pain
All in all, our goal in life is to be happier, not more miserable. Sometimes achieving this goal is not so simple. There are moments where displeasure and pain are more functional than pleasure. For example, sadness and depression may very well be more functional than happiness and pleasure for someone who needs to rest from stress. Furthermore, the most profound growth experiences many times come from pain, not pleasure. Pain can be as important to well-being as pleasure. Problems result when pain overtakes other feelings and when we feel pleasure less than pain.
Personally, I would rather entertain pain once or twice a week and pleasure three times per day. Would that make me less able to grow? I don’t think so because I can grow rather rapidly from my painful experiences and then move on to engage in more pleasant activities. In the end, unhappiness exists when pain stays for as long as it desires, stalking and tormenting us.
Addiction and Pleasure
The question I am most frequently asked when I discuss pleasure is, “What about addiction and pleasure?” Addiction and pleasure are often believed to go hand in hand. One engages with addiction because it is immensely pleasurable. The alcoholic drinks for pleasure; the sex addict fucks for pleasure.
However, the pleasure that an alcoholic or heroin addict feels is different from the pleasure for which I advocate. The pleasure that is part of an addiction takes one away from oneself and one’s surroundings. The addict engages in pleasure in order to escape from pain and from reality. The type of pleasure that is connected to happiness, on the other hand, is one that gets a person more in tune with their bodies, surroundings, and feelings, and not one that is an escape from the same.
Pleasure In a Nutshell
To summarize, the pleasure we feel from an experience (e.g., eating steak) is dependent on the following:115
Value (Is eating steak valuable to my life in terms of survival
or usefulness?)
Meaning (Does eating steak mean something good?)
Language (Do we attach the word “pleasure” to eating steak and
do we define “pleasure” as good?)
External state (What is the quality of steak, the cook, and
quantity of the steak?).s
Internal state (Are we hungry or full? Are we sick?)
Beliefs and expectations (Do we expect that the steak will be good?)
Understanding Pleasure in Your Life
How have you spent the last year of your life? Have your days been filled with vigor, liveliness, glory and thrill? Have you wanted to jump out of bed with the excitement and anticipation for the glorious day ahead of you?
This chapter will help you determine how much pleasure you have in your life. It will also aid you in understanding your beliefs about pleasure and its connection to your lifestyle. Consequently, you will gain insight as to what you need to do in order to increase pleasure.
Pleasure Scale
This exercise will identify your current level of engagement in pleasure. Dr. Fordyce found that the happiest people list over 25 items but that the average is 10-15 items.116
List all the pleasurable activities in which you engage each day for a week. List these activities after each day is completed. After each activity note what your mood was when and after doing these activities.
When I completed the pleasure scale I became acutely aware of my likes and dislikes. I learned that things that were pleasurable to me in the past where not as pleasurable any more and that I needed to change some aspects of my life to gain that experience of pleasure again. For instance, drinking coffee was not as pleasurable as I had known it to be. I tried to implement things to make it more pleasurable like going outside to drink it or buying coffee that was of higher quality.
Another thing I realized was that if I changed little things such as making sure I had something that I really liked for breakfast, making my bed more comfortable, or making sure I didn’t rush myself made me happier. The smallest details were very important to my experience of pleasure.
How Comfortable Are You with Pleasure?
In order to figure out how comfortable you are with the concept of pleasure, you need to understand how you have defined pleasure throughout your life. It is important to understand where you are coming from in order to identify where you want to go because your past could get in the way of change.
For example, when I said that I wanted to have more pleasure in my life I didn’t think about my definition of pleasure. I didn’t think about why I thought about pleasure the way that I did. Eventually, obstacles started to materialize. There was point where I felt doubtful that I had done the right thing by focusing on pleasure even though it felt really good. If I had known beforehand that these feelings would come up given my history with pleasure, it would have been easier to cope with.
In order to understand your ideas about pleasure and where they come from, take some time to be by yourself without distractions and answer the following questions:
How do your caretakers view and engage in pleasure?
How do other people in your family view and engage in pleasure?
How do your friends view and engage in pleasure?
How do you view and engage in pleasure?
Are there any similarities or differences in these answers?
My mother’s side of the family follows work ethics of honor, diligence, and sacrifice. They amaze me in their ability to create and maintain wealth and security. Yet, when it comes to pleasure, they are not so dedicated. For example, my mother has always helped me by taking care of my children if I needed to work but she would never take care of them if I wanted to go out with friends or indulge in any other pleasurable activity. The belief that we should not engage in pleasure is so extreme in my family that I found myself hiding from her, as an adult, when I was doing anything that was not work related. I tell you this story because you may have similar ones. There were many times I felt guilty and silly. It’s ironic, or not, that in the end I was able to engage openly in pleasure in front of my mother because I was writing a book and composing videos about it. Some things never change!
These exercises are designed to help you learn about your own definition of pleasure and how others influence those definitions. As you move through this process, be aware that friends and family around you may resist or even oppose what you are doing–stay strong!
Does Displeasure Work for You?
The definition of displeasure is “feeling unhappy, uncomfortable, and disappointed.” Feeling displeasure works in some way for all of us, meaning that in some way it helps to feel displeasure. It is difficult to understand how something painful can actually be functional.
When I started thinking about pleasure I realized that not having pleasure in my life was necessary in order for me to maintain an obsessive and addictive relationship to many things in my life. I found that when I got excited about something such as a new project or a new relationship that I couldn’t concentrate on anything else; I was elated and manic. I worked on it constantly and with great energy. Eventually, however, I couldn’t maintain that level of a high, so I crashed (displeasure). Afterwards, I felt disillusioned, tired, and beaten up. The feeling of displeasure when I crashed was functional because it allowed me to refuel my energy for forthcoming excitement.
In the end, the process of extreme highs and lows were debilitating for me because they promoted the exclusion of things that were not part of my obsession at that moment. I learned that hyper focusing on anything led me to exclude time with friends and family, for example.
Consequently, I’ve realized that if I make changes in my behavior where I am constantly being pleasured, I don’t have the need for extreme highs and lows. In other words, if I purposefully and routinely incorporate things that pleasure me, it decreases my need for extreme highs and lows. The explanation I give is that the involvement in the extreme high (pleasure) is probably indicative of a lack of pleasure in my life.
In order to find out how displeasure works for you in your life, let’s do the following exercise. Write down all the feelings you have throughout the day on an hourly basis. Do this for two days. After you are done ask yourself the following questions:
What kept you from feeling good?
What would have happened at that moment if you changed
your mood to a good one? What would be the consequences?
Why did you feel good in the moments you felt good?
Overall, did you observe any patterns involved in feeling
good and/or feeling bad?
The idea behind this exercise is to understand why it is that displeasure and pleasure make their appearance at certain times during the day and at certain times during your life. It’s important to understand that it is not about labeling events as good or bad. Rather, that we be aware of our conscious and proactive choices to experience pleasure and displeasure in our lives.