Help for Victims
of
Child Sexual Abuse
(Even if they are adults now)
Fourth Edition
by
Dr. Lynn Daugherty
Author of
Child Molesters, Child Rapists, and Child Sexual Abuse
Published by
Roswell, New Mexico USA
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2006 Lynn B. Daugherty
This book is also available as a paperback from online booksellers and local bookstores.
Table of Contents
Chapter One. Questions and answers about child sexual abuse
Chapter Two. Understanding people who sexually abuse children
Chapter Three. Stories from victims of child sexual abuse
Chapter Four. The effects of child sexual abuse on the victim and the victim’s family
Chapter Five. A guide to beginning recovery
Extended Copyright and Licensing Agreement
Selection from Dr. Daugherty's book, Child Molesters, Child Rapist, and Child Sexual Abuse
This book was written to be read by victims of child sexual abuse who are now teenagers or adults. It is also intended for counselors and others who want to understand and help these victims.
To the victim
The purpose of this book is to help you understand what happened to you and why. It is also meant to help you sort out your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
This book contains much factual information about child sexual abuse. It also contains stories told by other victims of child sexual abuse. They are retold to let you know that many children have suffered through experiences similar to yours. Many of these former victims have gone on to live happy, successful lives.
This book was written as a guide to help you recover from the negative effects of the abuse you suffered and to help you make a better life for yourself.
To the friend, relative or spouse of the victim
This book is intended to provide you with a better understanding of the experiences of victims of child sexual abuse. Just making an effort to understand a person’s thoughts and feelings is sometimes the most helpful thing one person can do for another.
To the counselor
In addition to providing you with a better understanding of the experiences of victims of child sexual abuse, this book is designed as an aid to be used with victims in helping them recover from the negative effects of child sexual abuse.
This book is not intended to replace the services of a professional mental health counselor, or to provide professional psychological services to you. If you need expert professional help, you should seek the services of a competent mental health professional.
Reading this book can bring back strong unpleasant thoughts and feelings. These could even lead to thoughts of suicide or other injury. If you find yourself overwhelmed by these thoughts or feelings, please seek professional mental health services immediately!
Every effort has been made to make this book as accurate as possible. However, there may be mistakes, both typographical and in content. Furthermore, this book contains information that is current only up to the date of publication. Therefore, this text should be used only as a general guide to understanding child sexual abuse and not as the ultimate source of information. Please learn as much as possible about child sexual abuse from all available sources and tailor the information to your own individual needs.
The author and Cleanan Press, Inc. shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly, by the information contained in this book.
Questions and answers about child sexual abuse
Here are some questions many people ask about child sexual abuse.
What is sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse takes place any time a person is tricked, trapped, forced or bribed into a sexual act. It most often involves unwanted touching of the victim.
Why is sexual abuse wrong?
Sexual abuse is wrong because it hurts people. Sometimes it hurts the victim physically. More often it causes the victim to suffer psychologically. It can cause mild to severe problems with fear, confusion, anger, shame, depression and lowered self-esteem for the victim. It can also cause other serious problems later in life.
Most people who were sexually abused as children go on to lead satisfying and productive lives, but many suffer from the effects of the abuse in some way, even years later.
Each person’s body is special and belongs to that person alone. Each person has the right to decide who can touch his or her body, when it may be touched and how. Sexual abuse violates the right of each person to make important decisions about his or her own body.
What is the difference between sexual abuse and “normal sex play”?
It is normal for children to explore their own and other children’s bodies. It is normal for children to touch their own bodies or those of other children in ways that feel good. This “normal sex play” is one way we learn about our bodies and our own likes and dislikes. It is also one way we learn about the bodies of other people.
Sexual abuse is different. It involves sexual activity that is tricked, trapped, forced or bribed. Usually one of the persons involved in the abuse is older, more knowledgeable, or more powerful than the other and takes advantage of this difference.
What happens during child sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse may include any type of sexual activity. It can range from forcible rape to gentle, but unwanted, touching. Being unwillingly exposed to sexual activity or the genitals of another or forced to show one’s own genitals to someone else is also a form of sexual abuse. Abuse may occur “in person” or through images or written material, usually called pornography.
Who sexually abuses children?
Children are usually abused by someone older than themselves. Often the person is in some position of authority over the child. This may be an adult stranger, a parent or stepparent, an aunt or uncle, a grandfather or grandmother, a pastor or counselor, a teacher or an adult friend. It may be a teenage babysitter, an older cousin, an older brother or sister or an older child in the neighborhood. Eight out of ten child victims are sexually abused by someone they know and trust, rather than by a stranger.
How does child sexual abuse happen?
Although violent sexual attacks of children sometimes take place, the sexual abuse of children usually involves more subtle force. This may be threats of harm or threats of “telling on” the child for some misdeed. Other times the child may be bribed with gifts or special privileges.
Children are often tricked into unwanted sexual contact. This may involve games, which start out as fun and end with unwanted contact. Sometimes the older person tricks the child by telling him or her that what they are doing is “OK” or that “everybody” does it, or that it is for the child’s “own good.”
The sexual abuser’s power, knowledge and resources are greater than those of the child victim.
He or she exploits this difference to take advantage of the child.
What different patterns of child sexual abuse occur?
Child sexual abuse may be divided into three patterns. These patterns may have different effects on the victim.
Brief incidents
This type of sexual abuse may happen only once to a child. The abuser may be a stranger or an acquaintance. The abuse occurs as an isolated incident. A stranger may expose his genitals to a child who is walking down the street. An acquaintance may try to touch the child’s genitals while in a movie. A child may be kidnapped and raped. Both boys and girls are commonly the victims of brief incidents of sexual abuse.
Continuing relationships
This type of sexual abuse occurs as a part of an ongoing relationship. The abuse starts gradually and continues for weeks, months or years. The abuser may be a neighbor who invites the child to his house to play regularly. It might be a teacher, pastor, camp counselor, family friend, or someone the child has met on the Internet. The victim may be a boy or a girl.
Incest
In this type of sexual abuse, the abuser is a member of the child’s immediate family, usually a stepfather or older brother but sometimes a female. The victim is most often a girl. The abuse usually begins gradually but happens more often as time goes on. The abuse may go on for years until someone outside the family discovers it or until the child grows up and moves out of the house.
How do people use the Internet to abuse children sexually?
Some abusers find their victims on the Internet. They use chat rooms or websites to meet children and gain their trust. Then they may exchange sexual messages or pictures with their victims, or arrange face-to-face meetings to abuse them.
Abusers who exploit children through prostitution or pornography sometimes use the Internet to find other abusers who will use their services. They also use the Internet to find children to abuse through prostitution or pornography.
Some abusers use the Internet to meet other abusers. They share their views about child sexual abuse, ideas about how to find and abuse children, information about specific victims, or suggestions about how to avoid being caught or punished for their crimes.
How many children are victims of sexual abuse?
Statistics suggest that as many as one child in every three or four in the United States becomes the victim of sexual abuse by the time he or she reaches the age of 18. At least 25% of adults were victims of child sexual abuse. This means that millions of adults in the United States today were sexually abused as children.
At what age are children sexually abused?
Children may be abused at any age from infancy to adolescence. The most common age for sexual abuse to begin is age nine. Most sexual abuse is reported by teenagers, but they have usually been victimized for many years before finally reporting the abuse. Most sexual abuse, particularly that involving a continuing relationship or incest, starts before the child reaches puberty.
Are boys ever sexually abused?
Both boys and girls are the victims of sexual abuse. Girls are probably victimized more frequently. Approximately ten percent of all victims reporting sexual abuse are boys, but probably many, many more are abused.
Why doesn’t the child victim report being sexually abused?
There are many reasons why children don’t report that someone has sexually abused them. The very young child may not realize that the abuser is doing anything wrong. Children are taught to obey adults. The child may not realize at first that he or she should object.
Later the child may not tell anyone because of fear. He or she may fear the abuser or fear not being believed. The child may fear that he or she will be punished or blamed for the abuse or that some harm will come to the abuser. The victim of incest may fear that the family will be broken up if anyone finds out about the abuse. He or she may work very hard to keep it a secret.
Another reason that children don’t tell anyone they have been sexually abused is because of their own feelings of shame and guilt. Child victims often believe that somehow the abuse is their fault.
Sometimes when children try to report sexual abuse, they are not believed. They then give up trying to tell anyone else. This is especially true if it is a parent who does not believe the child.
Do people ever forget being sexually abused as children, and then later remember these experiences?
One way the human mind protects itself from overwhelming emotional pain is by “forgetting” (repressing) bad memories. People who have been through extremely frightening or painful experiences, like wartime combat, natural disasters, torture, or sexual abuse, sometimes “forget” these experiences.
Later these painful memories may come back. This most often happens when the person feels strong enough to deal with the emotional pain of the traumatic event.
Can people ever have “false memories” of child sexual abuse?
People often remember the details of their experiences incorrectly. Sometimes people “remember” events that they imagined, or that someone convinced them really happened when it didn’t. Although some people disagree, nearly all mental health professionals believe that most memories of child sexual abuse are true and generally accurate, however.
Why do people sexually abuse children?
Sexual abusers usually don’t want to hurt the children they abuse. In fact, they often like children and try to please them. Many times abusers don’t realize how much harm their behavior causes.
Many abusers are very self-centered people who have trouble considering anybody’s welfare but their own. Because they enjoy the sexual activity, they believe the children do as well. Some abusers, because of their own selfishness, just don’t care whether they harm the child or not. Some of these people may not abuse children directly, but arrange for others to abuse children sexually through prostitution or pornography, usually to make money.
Most direct sexual abusers have trouble relating to people their own age. Because they are often afraid or insecure in relationships with people their own age, they turn to children for companionship, friendship and sexual gratification. They feel safer and more comfortable in relationships with children because children are more trusting and easier to please or dominate than other adults.
Most people who sexually abuse children are not “crazy” but they do have serious psychological problems for which they need help. Many sexual abusers were victims of sexual abuse themselves as children.
Is the child victim to blame for the sexual abuse?
No! Even though many child victims feel guilty about being sexually abused, what happened was not their fault. The abuser is totally responsible for his or her own behavior.
Can a person who was sexually abused ever lead a “normal” life?
Yes! Most victims of child sexual abuse go on to lead very normal lives. They usually function well in most areas of everyday life. Victims of child sexual abuse have gotten themselves through some very tough situations. This is a real accomplishment! It suggests that such victims have some important strengths. Most victims of child sexual abuse make successful lives for themselves in spite of the hardships they have suffered.
However, the effects of child sexual abuse usually make their lives more difficult in some areas. Many times former victims do not realize that some of the problems they are having in their present lives are really the result of having been sexually abused as children. Once they realize this, working out the problems becomes easier. Even those having more serious problems can usually be helped by a professional counselor, and they can greatly improve their own lives.
Understanding people who sexually abuse children
The victim often asks “Why me? Why did he do that to me?” Parents ask “How could she do that to my child! Why would anyone sexually abuse a child?”
Answering these questions is not easy. It is often difficult to understand why someone would sexually abuse a child. There are many different possible reasons but most of these reasons come down to the fact that the abuser has serious psychological problems. The abuser is more interested in satisfying his or her own needs than in protecting the welfare of the child. The abuser uses the child to make him or herself feel better in some way. The abuse is not a result of anything the child has done.
Many types of people sexually abuse children. Although we often think of a sexual abuser as a “dangerous stranger,” this is usually not the case. About 80% of child victims are abused by someone they know rather than by a stranger.
Most sexual abusers are men or boys, although some are women or girls. Sexual abusers may be of any age from childhood to old age. Sexual abusers have many psychological problems. They are often individuals who do not feel comfortable with people their own age. They choose children to meet their needs because children are less threatening to them.
Most of what we know about sexual abusers comes from studies of men and boys who abuse children. Therefore, most of this discussion applies to male abusers because we have studied and understood them more completely.
Less is known about women and girls who sexually abuse children because sexual abuse by women is not reported often. Women abusers are usually involved in a continuing relationship or incest. Their victims are usually boys, although they sometimes abuse girls.
Women who sexually abuse children are usually “caretakers” for them, most often mothers or stepmothers. Sometimes they are nurses or teachers. They are usually very possessive and overprotective of their victims, yet very immature themselves. They depend on their victims to meet their own emotional needs.
Women who sexually abuse children usually are single. If they are married, their husbands are often gone from the home or emotionally distant. They probably abuse children to satisfy emotional rather than sexual needs.
Men who sexually abuse children in non-aggressive, non-violent ways are different from those who abuse children in violent, aggressive ways. In this chapter, these non-violent abusers will be called “child molesters” to distinguish them from the more violent abusers who will be called “rapists.” Most sexual abuse of children is by child molesters rather than by rapists. Both child molesters and rapists have serious psychological problems.
Child Molesters
Child molesters abuse children to meet their emotional and sexual needs. They are attracted to children as sex objects and are also seeking acceptance or companionship. Rapists use and abuse children through sexual acts mainly to satisfy other needs and desires. These needs include power, anger and sadistic feelings.
Relationships with other adults, especially sexual relationships, are usually very threatening to both rapists and child molesters. Their reactions to this threat are different, however. The child molester avoids the threat by turning to children as a safer substitute. The rapist denies his fears by striking out and attacking children.
Fixated child molesters
First, let us examine what we know about child molesters. One group of child molesters is called “fixated child molesters.” This means that they are stuck or “fixated” at a child-like or adolescent level of psychological development.
Fixated child molesters have never developed the ability to relate comfortably to adults their own age, especially in sexual ways. They feel more comfortable with children and see themselves as “one of the kids” in many ways. Sometimes they assume parent-like roles as “protectors” or “teachers” of their victims.
The primary sexual orientation of fixated child molesters is toward children. They find children more sexually exciting than adults. Young boys are usually the victims of this type of abuser. Even though the victim is the same sex as the abuser, the child molester is usually not a homosexual. He does not find adult men (or adult women) sexually exciting. He is attracted to boys because they are children, not because they are males.
Fixated child molesters have little close involvement with other people their own age. Their sexual interest in children often begins in their adolescence. It is a persistent interest and their sexual activity with children often becomes compulsive. Even though they may want to stop or try to stop, they continue to abuse children sexually. Sexual contacts are usually planned carefully in advance. Alcohol or drug use is not usually related to the sexual abuse.
Fixated child molesters are people who have never grown up psychologically and socially. They may abuse children because children are the only people they feel comfortable with. Or, if the abuser was the victim of child sexual abuse himself, he may sexually abuse children because it allows him to feel like a powerful person instead of a victim.
Regressed child molesters
The other group of child molesters is called “regressed child molesters.” These people have developed some social skills that allow them to interact with other adults, especially women. They often marry and have families of their own. When these people are under a great deal of stress however, they “regress” or move back to relationships with children.
The primary sexual orientation of regressed child molesters is toward people of their own age. They usually find adults more sexually exciting than children. However, they often have poor resources for handling stress. When crises or traumas occur in adulthood, they may become overwhelmed. They then turn to children to meet their emotional needs through sexual activity. They replace their difficult relationships with other adults with involvement with children.
The regressed child molester’s sexual abuse of children may occur in cycles. He abuses children primarily when he is experiencing high levels of stress. During periods of low stress, the abuse may stop. He may also have sexual contacts with people his own age during the same period of time he is abusing the child. His sexual abuse of children is more likely to be impulsive at first, rather than planned out. Often it takes place when he has been drinking or using drugs. Alcohol is not the cause of the abuse, but its use “allows” the abuser to do things he might not otherwise do.
Regressed child molesters usually choose girls as their victims. The regressed child molester often imagines that the girl is much older than she really is. In his mind he thinks of her as an adult, and therefore she becomes an appropriate sexual partner.
Regressed child molesters are often involved in incest. As incest continues, the sexual abuser often abandons his role as parent while the victim gradually takes on responsibilities for keeping the family together and meeting the abuser’s needs.
Rapists
Most sexual abuse of children is nonviolent, however sometimes children are forcibly raped. Rape is not primarily the result of sexual desire. It is a form of aggression expressed through sexual acts.
The motives for rapes are often divided into three categories: anger, power and sadism. Although each rape is usually dominated by one of these motives, some elements of the other two may also be present.
Rapists also act in special situations, which are somewhat different from other types of rape. One of these is gang rape when several people rape one person. A second situation is rape that occurs in institutions, particularly correctional institutions.
A third is rape or other sexual abuse that occurs within a cult as a part of the rituals of the cult.
The anger rapist
The anger rapist attacks children (or adults) as a means of expressing or venting feelings of anger and rage. The rape is often physically brutal. The rapist is taking out his anger at other people, or at frustrating situations, on his victim. His intent is to hurt and debase his victim. Sometimes he makes the victim perform sexual acts that he considers degrading. Anger rapes tend to happen quickly. The rapist often acts without planning and then escapes.
The power rapist
The power rapist feels inadequate and insecure. His goal in rape is the sexual conquest and control of the victim. This makes him feel powerful. He uses only enough force as is necessary to get what he wants. The power rapist often sees himself as “winning” his victim rather than forcing himself on her. He needs to believe that the victim wanted to have sex with him and even enjoyed it. This way he can feel like an important, desirable, powerful person.
The sadistic rapist
Sadistic rapists are very rare but have severe psychological problems. For them, sexuality and aggression become mixed. They get sexual enjoyment and satisfaction from tormenting and injuring victims. Such rapes often end in murder.
The gang rapist
In gang rapes, each rapist may have a different motive. One may be venting his anger on the victim. Another may be trying to prove his power to the other rapists or to the victim. Still another may be trying to gain acceptance from his buddies.
The inmate rapist
In correctional institutions, rape is often one way an inmate demonstrates his power over another inmate. Although this usually involves sexual acts between two people of the same sex, it has nothing to do with homosexuality. An inmate rapes another inmate to prove that he is powerful and dominant over him, not because he finds him sexually exciting.
Ritual rape within a cult
Rape or other sexual abuse of children sometimes occurs as an acceptable, and even required, part of the rituals within a cult. A cult leader may require his followers to participate in ritual rape as a way of reinforcing or proving his dominance over them. Ritual rapists within a cult may be trying to demonstrate their loyalty to the cult or to the cult leader. Ritual rapists may also be trying to “educate” children growing up within the cult to increase their loyalty and dependence on the cult through fear and domination.
Sociopaths
Other motives for the sexual abuse of children do exist, especially among “sociopaths,” who are individuals with an “Antisocial Personality Disorder.” This type of person is extremely self-centered and cares little for the welfare of others. His own desires are more important.
The sociopath may be a very charming, clever and interesting person. Often he becomes involved in other criminal activities. Having sex with children may be just one of the many types of sexual activities he tries.
A sociopath may sexually abuse children “for kicks.” He is always looking for excitement. He may not be especially interested in children as sexual objects but, rather, may be interested in the excitement of a new experience.
Other sociopaths may sexually abuse children because children are easily available to satisfy a sexual need. These sociopaths usually become involved in brief incidents of sexual abuse, although involvement in a continuing relationship or incest is also possible.
Still other sociopaths may sexually abuse children indirectly for profit. They do not have sex with the children themselves, but involve the children in prostitution or in making pornography. These sociopaths care more about the money they can make exploiting children than about the harm they cause their child victims.