A GIRL’S LIFE
Contemporary Poetry
by
Ifeanyi C. Oshun
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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PUBLISHED BY:
Ifeanyi C. Oshun on Smashwords
Sacred Femi9 Media for Goddess CAT
A Girl’s Life
Copyright © March 2004; November 21, 2011 by Ifeanyi C. Oshun
Smashwords Edition License Notes
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May we continue to share our stories & make our
voices immortal…
Table of Contents
Dedication
Author
Introduction
Poetry
Sampler
Chapter
One: Songs of Joy, Love, Awakening & Contemplation.
Chapter
Two: Songs of Disillusionment, Regret & Insecurity.
Chapter
Three: Songs of Youth, Pride, & Gratitude.
Chapter
Four: Songs of Pain, Rage & Obsession
Chapter
Five: Age Appreciation
Endnotes
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A GIRL’S LIFE
Contemporary Poetry
Thank you to every one of my fans for their wondrous support and encouragement of me and my work—you helped make my dreams possible and I will always cherish you all for that! Thank you for allowing me to inspire and touch you in ways others have done for me.
I’d also like to give a profound thanks to my ultimate best friend & soulmate, Brandon, for understanding me and accepting me as I am, for always making me laugh, making me think and standing by me through thick and thin! I love you “very much so!”
Thank you to my amazing family and friends, especially Damien and Michael, Franca, Aimee & Betty, Tennille & Frank, Judika, team Goddess C.A.T. & The Indigo Circle whose loving support and encouragement I will forever appreciate!
And I’m also forever grateful to the many teachers & authors who touched my life by their work and inspired me: Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Langston Hughes, Countee Cullen, Amy Tan, Susan Kay, Dr. Brackenhoff, Mr. & Mrs. Briones, Ms. Patricia DeRobles, (late) Mr. Blaine Franklin, Mr. John Gardner, Mrs. Ann Hardman, Mr. Lance Schaina, Mrs. Marie Tarros, Mr. Paul Toth, Mrs. Gaynell Ventura, Mrs. Madeleine Vinci, Mr. Roger Wallace, and Mrs. Susan Wydra.
You’re the embodiment of the very spirit all teachers should cultivate within themselves. Blessings upon each and every one of you—thank you!
~Ifeanyi
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When I turned 25, a personal hallmark occurred; I felt I’d been going astray from achieving my writing and artistic goals in pursuit of stable, albeit non creative jobs. At 21, I already owned a house and worked at another well paid, stressful job which left me little time or energy to create what I loved.
However, I pushed myself to fulfill my goal of publishing my first book by 25. So, in March 2004, A Girl’s Life…the Song that Never Ends made its debut.
Since eight years old, I’ve been writing poetry. For as long as I could remember, setting pen to a crisp, blank piece of paper has been my sanctuary, my oldest, most trusted friend and my means of escape from an insane, cruel world perhaps in my own personal quest for some sort of life’s meaning and relevance.
So, during my 25th year, as I looked through all of my collected poetry snippets and journals, I saw the evolution of my psyche develop before my eyes.
Not only did I recognize how I grew into my writing skills and talent, but seeing the tangible proof of the inner workings of my mind spilled onto paper allowed me to re-live all of my childhood fantasies and disappointments; once again my mind, body and soul experienced the passion, despair and excitement with every phase and phrase of my recorded young womanhood.
This, combined with all of the incredible tales the women in my life regaled me with, only proved the universality of these profound experiences across culture, race and age.
If we are truly earthly vessels of the Goddess, then these stories—our stories—must be acknowledged and passed on from generation to generation. In knowing where we’ve all been, we can encourage each other by our collective experience to forge ahead on our journeys.
I feel very blessed and grateful, because many people haven’t found an outlet for expression, but luckily enough, I found this early on and had adults in my life who nurtured this within me.
My poetry lives very close to my heart, even more so than my fiction, because one can hide a little bit behind their characters, but there’s little distance when you write poetry—it’s embedded in your bones, flowing within your blood.
I chose self publishing because it excites me and I didn’t want some unknown sifting through the relics of my past and of those close to me. I wanted to keep my poetic experience as pure and raw as possible because it’s about life, unedited.
Yet, it’s funny how the Universe works: yes, this is slice of my life, but since we’re all connected, I know within myself others will read my words and feel just as connected to me as I feel to them.
And when this connection is forged, do I feel within my soul that I’ve fulfilled my duty as a writer.
The reason I originally called this book A Girl’s Life…the Song that Never Ends stemmed from how I related the flow and ebb of our lives to the creation of music.
All of our experiences, joyous or painful, make up the notes of our own distinct symphonies. Since life and death continually intertwine, this song—our songs—can and will never end since our souls live on eternally, collecting experiences and evolving through them.
Thank you for reading and may this book inspire you to honor your journey, wherever it takes you.
~Blessed Be!
Ifeanyi C. Oshun
For more information, visit Ifeanyi C. Oshun’s official website at: www.ifeanyi411.com and find her on www.twitter.com/ifeanyioshun, www.goddesscat.com and on Facebook under “Ifeanyi Oshun.”
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Here are samples of the various poems within this book. When you see this (…) it means there is more either preceding the poetry verse you’re reading or after it.
(…) Come hither…
If you possess the patience
To peel away the layers
Of my rose psyche and my indigo sexuality
And still love, love, love
My intricate inner workings
I will not keep you
From gently peeling away
The mocha silk lips
Of my mango
This forbidden fruit
God-given, Eve-made
Your weakness, my pleasure
Mother of the universe and of all races…
My forbidden fruit
can be yours (…)
For those of you who don’t know—
“You’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl”
is like “You have a pretty face… for a fat bitch.”
You think I should be sorry
Because I’m not light-bright
Well, the fact is—
God dipped me in
Dark, double mocha
And got it just right.
I’m choh-coh-lah-tay
From head to toe
Are you intimidated…because I’m dark and I know?
Or because I’m dark, I love it and I let it show?
There’s no way in hell
You’ll turn me into Pecola [15]
—wishing for yellow hair and eyes of blue—
because I know
what she never knew—(…)
(…)
But hey!
Didya forget?
I’m Young, Black and Female,
So I’d rather die on my feet than live on my
K
N
E
E
S
I know I have a DESTINY
greater than what they show me!
They twist the minds of my men and children against me [17],
Turn my gods inside out, from Black to White
And say, “He gave us permission to enslave thee,”
And then they wanna force me to swallow this insanity?!
Oh, how they beat me down!
Hoping while in the pit of my abysmal despair,
that I will wither away—
“like a raisin in the sun”
and die. (…)
A
Girl’s Life—The Song That Never Ends
Gaze into my eyes
Look within and see
All the songs of my life,
All the songs of me—
Peel away each fragile layer
Expose my flesh and bone
Leaving just the essence
Of what I’ve experienced alone—
A Girl’s Life
My life—
Is a song created just for me,
With words that I alone write,
My memories—its melody—
My joys
Are piano concertos,
My loves— a lusty drum (…)
Candles Are Forgotten Martyrs.
Candles are forgotten martyrs—
Whose Fate is to give Light—
Many would be in darkness—damned—
‘Less my flame burning bright—
Sleek, sensuous, cylindrical am I—
It is my fatal quest—(…)
Slit open my wrists
find within my garnet blood
—Blood of Ages—
the History and Herstory
of my people
and how I came to be—
each crimson drop
contains a link of lineage
a tapestry of genes (…)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter One: Songs of Joy, Love, Awakening & Contemplation.
Crush @ The Express Shop
One, ordinary spring day it seemed
when I walked
in—unknowingly—
So engrossed in tests, schoolwork and caffeine
was I
at first…
Yet, when I looked up
and had my first glance of him
I could
not resist, but just stand in awe--
in perfect, complete awe
of
this beautiful creature
with his chestnut spikes
and shimmery,
bronze eyes
I felt the warmth of his shy grin
melt my heart
and
of course, I knew…
I knew then that he was mine
and I could
never forget—
Thereafter, his sweetness enveloped me
throughout
the days
like a delicate fragrance
and thoughts of his chiseled
face
awakened a smile upon my own…
That fateful moment haunts
me
as I regretfully wonder why
in fear, I avoided his curious,
kind gaze
and in timidity, I hesitated.
Damn
hesitation!
Like a manacle, it keeps me from
living
and experiencing what could have been…
and in being a
captive
of my own insecure thoughts,
I lost him…
For
how long—who knows?
Now, I come to the shop
with
a heavy, heavy heart
riddled with fantasies and anguish
alike
because of my folly…
His presence—a mere memory for
the keeping,
His laughter—a distant, half-remembered song
that
my heart clings onto, hoping to hear it again—
a bittersweet
lullaby to soothe the longing of my spirit…
If I had but one
chance—
One, more chance
I would have seized
the moment then and perhaps,
Just perhaps…
his
heart as well
Perhaps, if I had reached out…he would belong to
me
and I, to him
our souls meshed
because of that one,
fateful look
one, ordinary spring day…
Oh, what a tragic,
tragic thing it is
to let risks and opportunities
pass by
without having a taste—
for in doing so, we fool
ourselves into thinking
it is much safer this way…
instead of
realizing that the Blood of Life
is in the risks we take.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Glowing
When I talk to you
My heart leaps—
as I hold my breath
and savor every word
that escapes your lips
while memorizing the quality of your voice…
I am yours…
When you hold me in your arms
the universe stands still—
When we are together,
I try to hold onto our moments—make it last
like the lingering scent of sea salt
after the waves crash…
Alas, no matter how hard I try,
time passes through my fingers
like moonshine
I can’t hold on…
I live, excited and vibrantly shining
more than a thousand suns
warmed within—
glowing without—
eternally possessed by your love…
I have always been yours…
As the sun breaks ripples
across the oceanic sky,
spilling glimmering gold
—a heavenly champagne to toast our union—
over the cerulean expanse
I close my eyes and breathe,
knowing…
I will always be yours…
While my soul gives thanks
for the light you bring
to My World.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Carpe Diem
We take our existence for granted—
Even though we are like mist and our lives—
—airy breath—
Present at this moment,
vanishing perhaps in the next—
life is not about tomorrow
since we live in the hope, not the guarantee
that tomorrow will arrive…
For whom or what do you live for?
Trapped in the illusions of the past—
moving backward instead of forward
because you can’t let go?
So enticed by the seductive promises
of the future,
that for now
you put off those who love you,
those who want so desperately
to be a part of you
for the betterment of you?
Of course, they will always be around
won’t they?
Why does fear ensnare our minds and souls,
making life more terrifying than death?
Time is cruel with His impatience,
and He has no favorites…
Those we assume will be around for a while
may be the very first He snatches from us…
The very ones to never see
another sunrise,
draw another breath or
whisper how much they love us…
Why should Death
be the sole motivator
For the expression our emotions
buried deep within?
What terror compels us
to keep our innermost feelings
from surfacing—waiting until our loved ones
are nestled—like seeds in the cool Earth,
resting…
before we explode with tears, tales and testaments
of how wonderful they were
in Life…
As for me,
I cannot wait…
for what I feel now
I must convey to those I adore…
or despise…
What use is it
to wait for their demise
for them to know and realize
how much or how little
they mean to me?
Someone out there loves you…now
Someone out there needs you…now
Someone is crying out for your love,
Your time,
Your patience,
—for all of You
Now.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Vengeance
I am a rubber band
My enemies twist my words,
wring my emotions to draw tears
I will never shed for them—
Stretch my patience
until I snap back
and slap the wicked hands
which try
to tear me apart.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Paradise
The cool breeze
Brushes against your face
As the palm leaves, mango and coconut trees
Sway slowly
As if in sleep
Rivers form underwater labyrinths
Meandering on forever, lost in time
Your eyes, astounded, yet they grow tired…
Closing…closing…
Forever. [1]
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Eyes
Clear, dark, burning fiery—
A window to a soul.
The key to a heart.
Deceptive and trusting,
Joyful and sad.
Dancing or dull…they are the person
for they are the heart
from which the soul speaks. [2]
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Runaway Train
There’s nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.
My emotions are out of control and I no longer exist.
They’ve mastered me completely
And I’m their slave here on this
runaway train.
Abandoned by all, loved by none
Running away from the truth is all I can do for the pain.
I can’t stop, just run.
Nowhere, no one.
They’re inside me, filling me to the brim.
Their hate is my hate, their fear is my passionate fear
I am no one, but a fool.
I am the runaway train. [3]
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Our Relationship
We adore each other
today
We abhor each other
three days from now…
We look into each other’s eyes,
our kisses like opium,
A healing poison
For our souls
The harder I push you away,
The stronger the feeling
to be in your arms again
The more I hate you,
The more I want you
to myself
If I try to forget
I will always remember
That
I hate that I love
to hate the fact that I love you. [4]
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Imagination
Imagination is like an island
Exotic in its solitude
Like an ever glowing candle
Inspirational fumes it exudes
as you breathe it into your lungs
until your entire body is permeated
with its exhilarating fragrance…
Your soul becomes a fiery, luminant star
Reach out to grasp
For feel of its cold brilliance
So near and yet, so far.
It will crash against your mind
Like the waves of a roaring sea
Yet it is sometimes shrouded
in the cloth of obscurity.
A pure, untapped vein
Of precious gold are you
Unsullied, boundless
Is the imagination who,
like a lover, incessantly teasing,
As you find with every word and whisper
Yet another meaning. [5]
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Bitten
Words cannot explain
the feelings You arise in me
Talking to you
intrigues me, keeps me enticed
wanting…
You are a wondrous treasure of human spirit,
of human kindness and pure depth of soul
and even though physically, you are far away,
I feel you ensconced within my heart…
The way you make me smile
until my cheeks feel like overfilled balloons
unsettles me,
but I let you do it anyway—
With a witty word or longing look,
you lure laughter from my lips
as a snake charmer does his cobra,
as the Sirens tempted Odysseus…
what kind of dangerous love lies
behind those dancing, merry, chuckling eyes…
I ask myself
in the recess of my suspicious mind…
Like Lazarus, my soul slept,
suspended between Heaven and Hell
before you awakened and enraptured me…
When we met,
something foretold it to me
something in me understood
the destiny underneath our meeting,
the hidden story of our lives
written by an Invisible Author
and I knew… you were good for me
I have loved and lost,
but still continue the journey
—my destination unknown even to myself—
In this world of love mockery
Hungry for an unfiltered, non-sugarcoated,
raw love
I looked without knowing
what to search for,
without grasping what lesson
I needed to learn
only going by the mere hope in God
hoping He did not forsake me or His promises…
Now…you struck my life
like lightning from Heaven
and I must thank Him
since I should have trusted
God’s magic in bringing you
To me
Yes, He saved the part of me
I thought would surely perish…
God brought me
Friendship
which burns after our lives have passed,
Love
which endures all pain
and Hope eternal
for which I will always be grateful…
Thank you,
thank you
for being my gift.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Awakened
Sometimes,
it tears me up,
Ripping the ventricles of my heart
to shreds…
Imprisoning me with phantasmagoric emotions
that allow reality and fantasy
to blur into each other…
I cannot focus,
because of those times
when I soar,
my soul burns with the fire of my lust
while my eyes dance with an inner joy…
My tears mix with my laughter,
Joy merges with sorrow
Your love—
a lake of molten gold
Fate dipped my naked body into,
covered completely, slick and glistening,
until I am infused…
And my Life…
I gorge myself
On my milk and honeyed life
and my heart cannot be still…
No, it leaps
with a fervent passion
as I realize I can hardly stop myself
from adoring you…
If this unearthly happiness
be some sort of insanity,
then I never want to wade
in the pool of Reality again.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Girl’s Life—The Song That Never Ends
Gaze into my eyes
Look within and see
All the songs of my life,
All the songs of me—
Peel away each fragile layer
Expose my flesh and bone
Leaving just the essence
Of what I’ve experienced alone—
A Girl’s Life
My life—
Is a song created just for me,
With words that I alone write,
My memories—its melody—
My joys
Are piano concertos,
My loves— a lusty drum
My pain and loss…a mournful cello
My hopes… a clarinet’s wistful sing-song.
My lessons pierce
Like the violin’s string
Soothing my ears, my heart’s balm
Protecting me from Life’s sting…
Providing focus and calm…
Each trial or triumph
Completes my original symphony
I let the notes build into a crescendo
Before they wash over me…
As God weaves the threads of Life
Bringing in and taking out
Hate, love, family, foe or friend
I see that from Hate, Love can arise
—like a phoenix from the ashes—
and from the soil of Despair,
a flower of Hope can bloom…
I recognize that my song will also change
As I do…
And how each song,
No matter how nectar-sweet or anguish-filled
Has a special message to send
And that no matter what life brings,
I must never stop singing
The story of my life—
the song that never ends.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
To You, With Love.
You have to leave again,
My body aches with the thought—
being apart from you
is the slowest torture
and my spirit sheds inner tears
at being separated,
even though I am
eternally joined
with you in heart and mind—
I love you and in the Desert of my Longing,
My adoration, my faithfulness is the milk and honey
I thrive on…
No matter what the day brings,
our love is my holy oasis,
it gives me all the joy, comfort and cleansing I need
until I can be in your arms again…
There is no one like you,
and even though
I try to go about my daily routine,
I see you in all things…
You lurk around my wistful thoughts
and Life’s every detail somehow resembles
a part of our life as one…
You are a part of me,
The part I would never want to change
You bring out my best
and accept my worst…
I could live without you,
but why would I choose
to condemn myself
to a hellish existence…
Your absence penetrating each bone,
disintegrating my soul,
ashes to ashes am I
without you…
I asked God, “Let there be Light,”
and He sent You…
The Sun of My Universe…
and there was darkness no more.