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How To WIn FrIendS

& InflUenCe PeoPle

The JewISh Mother WaY

BY

MIChael J. Herman

Published by

THE MOTIVATIONAL MINUTE PRESS! Calabasas, CA USA

Copyright © 2005 Michael J. Herman All rights reserved.

Reproduction or translation of any part of this work beyond that permitted by Section 107 or 108 of the United States Copyright Act without the prior written and verbal permission of the copyright owner or publisher is unlawful. Requests for permission or further information should be addressed to the Permissions Department of The Motivational Minute.

Country of publication: United States of America

Editorial services by Cliff Carle (www.cliffcarle.com)

Book design and layout by David Lee Aaron (davedesign@earthlink.net)

Library of Congress Cataloging-In-Production Data

Herman, Michael, J.

How To Win Friends & Influence People The Jewish Mother Way Summary: Insightful and lighthearted humor for those wishing to laugh.

ISBN 0-9670208-3-2

[1. Humor, Jewish Humor, Religious Humor, Family Humor, 2. Satire 3. Religious, 4.Cultural.] 1 Title

Printed in the USA

First Edition

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated firstly to my beautiful and beloved wife, Penny Herman, who laughs with me and who makes me laugh like no other. It is because of her that I made this book come to life. But secondly, and more specifically, this book is dedicated to Jewish Mothers everywhere especially my own Jewish Mother Jeri Herman, my Grandmothers Helen and Florence, and my Jewish Mother-In-Law, Coco Barat. It’s dedicated to the Jewish Mothers in my life, my sisters Tami Olshan and and Whitney Schwartz. Also to all people within whom the Jewish Mother is nurtured. There is so much hatred and anger, so much envy, greed, avarice, and solemnity in this world, I thank God that there is a group of people whose soul purpose is to distract from these things and point out the simple facts of life, like not to be mad, as things could be worse.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My wife Penny Herman,
Singer-Comedienne-Entertainer-
Creative Force Extraordinaire;

Joe Heuer-Humorist Author of Daffynitions.com
and other books;

my editor Cliff Carle who makes me look great;
my Motivational Partner-In-Crime, Craig Harrison;
Mitch Schussleç Fire “Capt. Bob”
Rhonda Wachtel
my motivator Robb Greenberg;
Mark Fleming;
Marc Feinstein;
Jerald Jackson,

the members and participants of
the Northridge Hospital Brain Injury Support Group
for encouraging the earliest drafts of this material;

The Herman family (one and all) and its many offshoots,

and MasterCard International^® for
bravely funding the book.

I promise you’ll have your money soon.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

There are moments that beg to be recorded: The Wright Brothers’ flight at Kitty Hawk, man walking on the moon, the maiden voyage of the Titanic, and of course, words that no one should ever forget. How can we forget the time when our Jewish Mother in a rant hollered so loudly that it broke our eardrums, “I’M NOT YELLING!”

Or the time when she said, “I was once just like you. But today, after years of hard work, I’m me. Now which one do you think is better?”

Jeri Herman, my own Jewish Mother, has taught me noth­ing if I haven’t learned how to see things from another perspective. I know now as an adult not to worry, as things can always be worse. I know that even if no one else loves me, my Jewish Mother does. I also know not to take anything personally that is said in frustration when it comes from my Jewish Mother. She doesn’t mean it. She just speaks another language... Jewish Mother.

This book came to life in a flash of brilliance when com­ing directly from work, I met my family for dinner. Upon entering the restaurant, my mother approached me, put her nose to mine and hollered, “You look disgusting!” But she didn’t just say it, she announced it for the entire restaurant to hear!

I did not take it personally. I simply replied, “You know, Mom, you really are a master at knowing how to win friends and influence people.” Then I began considering the many other things she had said in a similar vein during my lifetime, and the flood channels opened! Hence, this book demanded to be written. While some Jewish mothers may take this humor book personally, (mine included) it is the voice of all Jewish Mothers as observed by this Author. So if you enjoy it, if it resonates with you in any way, you can thank the author, but be ingratiated to the source.

—M.J.H.

Always tell people immediately upon meeting them in a public place that they look disgusting and repulsive. Unless they’re in denial, people like to be belittled and humiliated on a regular basis. Whatever you can contribute to someone’s daily dose of minimalist thinking is always greatly appreciated! And be sure to yell it loudly enough to tip their equilibrium and alter their disposition. Make them feel completely inadequate by yelling it loudly enough for all to hear.

— Jeri Herman

Never, under any circumstances, let on
that you know exactly what’s going on.
Having family members think you’re a
little absentminded can go a long way
toward reducing your workload
throughout the day.

When engaged in a lengthy conversation
with another, be sure to pick up on no
more than one or two words from the
entire conversation, as though that was
the essence of the dialogue. Then
proceed to insist that you are right and
the other person is wrong on a topic that
neither one of you were talking about.

Get personal. Pick on people’s weakest
points. A big nose, a crooked tooth,
a fat stomach, or a long hair growing
from an orifice can go a long way.
NOTHING is off limits.

Suggest that people do with their lives
that which they are already doing,
as though it is a great idea
that they had not thought of before.
Forget the fact that you have
belittled that pursuit —
often as recently as the previous day.

Remember that everyone else
is always wrong. No matter what
the situation might be, insist to the end
that you are right and everyone else
is wrong. This may require denouncing
such truths as “up is up” and “hot and
cold are opposites,” but in the end,
when the other person exhausts of
arguing, you will win, if only by
default and forfeiture.