My Fear of You
Living with Agoraphobia
angel Graham
Copyright © 2011 angel Graham of Twisted Rose Publishing
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Table of Contents
My Story
Treatment of Agoraphobia
Websites Regarding Agoraphobia
Website Bibliography Index
My Story
My name is D. L. Graham and I am afraid...of you.
Yes, that’s right, I am afraid of you. I can’t explain it in rational terms, but for me, you represent things that are not safe. Oh, not you personally, but you, in general. People.
In clinical terminology, this is referred to as agoraphobia. According to PubMedHealth, and most medical sites, agoraphobia is, “Panic disorder with agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder in which there are repeated attacks of intense fear and anxiety, and a fear of being in places where escape might be difficult, or where help might not be available. Agoraphobia usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.”
For me, it’s all that and more. It’s a fear I cannot explain which has been present for much of my life, but has ebbed and flowed over the years. For instance, I spent eight years with a partner, and found myself needing to be out of house, rather than staying in. Of course, I wanted to be out when she was going to stay in. It was an abusive relationship and getting out was safer, even if it was only for a few minutes or hours. Now, it’s the more traditional form of agoraphobia which rears its head.
I am afraid of crowds. I always have been. I’m the ever present wallflower that everyone looks at but no one wants to talk to. That’s okay. I’m happier if you don’t. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to talk to you, but in a crowd, not so much. Find me when there are much fewer people, and I’ll talk. I shall even listen. Even amoung people I know and love, I don't like too many people around. I will find a way to shelter myself at all costs, including leaving if I feel that I cannot handle it any longer.
I am also afraid of the wide-open spaces. That one is harder for me to explain, but I’ll try. For me, those spaces are harder to deal with. There is no ‘safe’ place to which I can turn in those situations. I am always looking for a way out of any place I am at, and yes, I can and will bolt in a second, like a skittish colt. People who know me well, they’ve seen me do it. Large parking lots can be very fearsome to me. Too many places where people can come at me from all directions. Why I fear this is up for grabs. I think much of it has to do with being abused as a child and a teenager. Also, in more than one abusive relationship as an adult.
For me, I know that uncontrolled social conditions are a definite part of my agoraphobia. I try to not get into those situations as much as possible. Just recently, I went with my husband to a local pub here in Toronto, where I am on holiday for three months as we wait for my immigration papers to be approved. Someone else scouted out a proper venue for the gathering, as I am disabled and attempting to climb stairs is a difficult process. This pub was chosen for being all on one floor. That helped a great deal. My husband and I were among the first to show up, and I was able to pick a table, in this case, a small ‘snug’ or alcove room for us to all use. This helped very much also, as I was able to pick where I would sit for my first meeting of all of my husband’s friends. I chose a comfortable armchair at a small table in the back of the room, where people would not be able to get in behind me, as that is part of my fear. Having people behind me.
Being able to have that much control over this situation helped tremendously. It allowed me to meet new people, in a new city, and to do it on my terms. I was able to minimize a large part of my social anxiety, but no, not all of it. I think there will always be at least a small part of it that remains, even when or if I am able to bring the rest of it under control.
Yes, I am one who thinks that agoraphobia is never truly cured, but it can be managed to a large degree. It takes much willpower and determination from the person who suffers from it.
I said earlier in this writing, that I fear crowds, crowded places, wide open spaces. I do. I fear being in places where escape is difficult or impossible. For me, riding on public transit, going to the store, restaurant or movie theatre is enough to begin a panic attack for me. I can deal with 2-3 people at a time, but much more than that, and my fear kicks in. While I was in Canada between August and Novemember with my husband, I still found it very difficult to get out and do things. I made myself go to the Dr.'s, which was the whole reason I'd gone up there. (I needed to see a Canada approved M.D. For immigration purposes and it was far easier to do it this way than for me to find a way to Buffalo, NY or Dallas, TX.)
We did go to a fun little diner after the Dr.s appointment, but other than that and the two pub meets, we didn't go out in public. I couldn't deal with it. We did go up to visit his family twice. The first time was hard, because we were unaware that the train had a car for disabled people and I nearly fell trying to get on the train the first time. After that, we made sure to find the disabled
ramp at the stations. We also went out to get pictures I needed for the medical exam. I forget why they needed them. I feel so helpless sometimes that I can't do the simple things that so many others take for granted. Things like going out to eat with my husband, going to the movies, traveling to the beach on the train.
It took me almost six months to finally work up the nerve to go to the Post Office in order to get my passport, so I could come to Canada to be with my husband for several months. This is something I wanted greatly, yet my fear kept me from it. Each time I attempted to go the Post Office, I would have a panic attack. I’d have a sense of everything closing in, my heart would pound and race so fast, and my vertigo would literally, spin out of control. (No pun intended).