THE ZEN OF ART
by
Will Todd
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Copyright 2011 Will Todd
Smashwords Edition
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INTRODUCTION
A Comedy about Zen Buddhism? Hai!
Or maybe "Haiku":
Art Westin goes East;
A Salesman who finds The Light;
Occidentally.
Or even more "Occidentally":
Art Westin - high-strung, plugged-in, always-selling - is forced to spend a week in a Japanese Zen monastery...
...where he encounters a unique koan (“riddle”) of philosophy and phunny...
...culminating in a moment of satori (“insight”) that changes his life.
But will this enlightenment last when he returns to the West?
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FADE IN:
ON BUDDHA
the Enlightened One, statufied in amused tolerance as hollow wail of wooden FLUTE meets deep thunk! of ancient DRUM and
MAIN TITLES
OVERLAY his grinning face. FLUTE and DRUM continue their ancient dance as
A SERIES OF IMAGES
keeps time in tantalizing CLOSE-UP:
INCENSE, smoking smell;
TINY GONGS, shimmering sound;
DARK ROBES, shaping sight.
Haiku. Gesundheit.
The Buddha grins.
MUSIC. PICTURES.
Bells. Another Buddha. Chimes. Another grin. Wood block. Different Buddha. Drumbeat. Same grin. Trill. Another. Symbol. Again. Building. Closer. Growing. Nearer. Pounding. Pulling. Coming. Clearer. Until:
A FINAL BUDDHA
FILLS THE SCREEN, crude, irregular - and pink. There's something not quite right about it...
And off the DRUMCLAP that annihilates the LAST CREDIT, as a knife cleaves the Buddha straight down to his grin
CUT WIDE TO:
INT. ZENCO DINING FACILITY - DAY
REVEALING this final Buddha to be a cake with pink icing, its half-face being served by a chef in white toque. Diners form a line at the end of a long buffet table, Vega$-style, except everyone is wearing robes...
...and the room is decorated with items from a Hirohito garage sale, many of which were seen in CLOSE-UP above. The only group of actual Asians present is a band that strikes up a MUZAK ENCORE to the five-tone discordance just concluded.
And standing in a doorway at the end of the buffet table, surveying this anachronistic scene is Our Hero
ART WESTIN
only his grin is very un-Buddha-like. So is his business suit, though he seems unaware of its incongruity as he continues to nod with approval.
A dessert chef passes by, stopping to offer a tray of chocolate-dipped strawberries. Art selects one of the overgrown, tasteless, mutant miracle-growths, but the
BEEP-BEEP, BEEP-BEEP, BEEP-BEEP
of a PDA interrupts, silenced after swift retrieval from an inside blazer pocket. Eyeing the strawberry, Art Westin speaks his first line - just two words...
...but two words that embody the very antithesis of Zen:
ART
Not now.
He abandons the fruit, enters the room, and heads for
A BANQUET TABLE
where about a dozen men and women in robes relax around the remnants of their meal. Noting the numbered card rising from their bonsai centerpiece, Art positions himself to draw their attention:
ART
Ladies and gentlemen good morning my name is Art Westin and I've been assigned to take you on a little tour of our facility so let me begin by saying...
Art doesn't speak with a lot of commas. In fact, there often seems to be some phantom urgency propelling his words:
ART
...welcome to Harmony I and the first of what will be with your help a series of flourishing franchises under the management banner of Zenco Limited how did you find your meal?
Suits and ties peek out beneath these standard-issue robes, which respond with uniform "excellents" and "wonderfuls". But one robe is different, creaseless, worn by an elder JAPANESE MAN with close-cropped hair and wire-rimmed glasses. He scrutinizes the considerable leftovers and adds a final ironic adjective:
JAPANESE MAN
Plentiful.
ART
Well we'll be talking more about food services when we break for lunch but for now why doesn't everyone open their Franchise Packets and you'll find a little name tag inside the front cover...
Art demonstrates with a smaller packet taken from an inside blazer pocket, but before the others can follow suit:
ART
...which if you'll follow me right now - that's right, right this way - you'll find are very easy to fill out on the way to our first stop and save us some time and we have a lot to see today so...
He's now ushering the group away from the table, as they awkwardly try to follow his example of filling out name tags on the move.
ART
...keep in mind that a full itinerary is always available on page one of your FP's and if you have any questions at any time about anything please please don't hesitate to stop me and ask - right through this door, that's right, just keep moving, here we go, that's the way...
The group shuffles through the doorway at the end of the buffet table. Art then checks his PDA, nods, and presses a button that responds with a BEEP.
And as Art follows the group out, CLEARING THE FRAME FOR A FINAL SHOT OF THE BUDDHA-CAKE, HALF-EATEN
CUT TO:
EXT. GROUNDS - DAY
landscaped to professional tranquility, as Art leads his group on a brisk walk:
ART
...and research confirmed the growing popularity of Eastern philosophies in general and Zen Buddhism in particular and in fact, specialized retreats run by small local agencies were already having trouble keeping up with the demand so... Zenco Limited was born.
He indicates the grounds with a practiced gesture.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #1
And the small local agencies?
ART
A little closer to Buddha, as we like to say.
Some CHUCKLES from the group as they jot notes. All except the elder Japanese Man, who keeps his eye on Art:
ART
The spirit of Zen was our main objective. Providing a completely contemplative environment for deep spirituality. Let's just stop a moment and absorb it...
He wasn't kidding about "a moment":
ART
...before I point out some of the more obvious tax advantages...
And as Art continues to lead
ANOTHER PART OF THE GROUNDS - LATER
where the group continues to follow. A second group of name-tagged investors passes by, and Art gives their leader a little bus-driver-courtesy-wave without missing a beat:
ART
...so not only are you buying over six months of on-site expertise, you're also getting nearly eighteen months of planning and development. Here's a perfect example...
They've come upon
A LARGE CENTRAL BUILDING
which aspires to Eastern ornateness but settles for a more cost-effective pre-fab similarity.
ART
Every structure you see at Harmony I is based on our unique modular design. Not only does this save on construction, it can be adapted to any location - so the more franchises sold, the less per unit cost.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #2
(re: building)
It's beautiful.
ART
(nods)
Classic amortization...
They've arrived at the faux-wooden doors of the building, where Art reaches for a handle:
ART
Which brings us to the first of what are known as "The Three Pillars of Zen". Pillar #1...
An actual "Mmmmm..." of approval from the Japanese Man as Art swings wide the door to REVEAL
INT. A LARGE OPEN ROOM
where rows of robed guests recline on elaborate lounge chairs as if on a sandless, sunless beach:
ART
...meditation.
JAPANESE MAN
Nnnnnn...
This wasn't a sound of approval. And takes a little wind out of Art's sale. Nonetheless, he leads the group inside, courtesy-waving along the way:
ART
Also known as "zazen" from the Japanese meaning "to sit in meditation"...
JAPANESE MAN
Some of these people appear to be asleep.
Art looks back. This guy could get on his nerves.
ART
A deep contemplative stillness can often be confused with sleep. The difference is in the state of consciousness...
A GENTLE SNORE interrupts from one of the lounge chairs, a can of diet Coke embedded in its armrest.
ART
(moving on)
Why don't we all have a seat over here and I'll demonstrate.
He leads the group to a series of mats with small pillows.
ART
Again, this is a perfect example of how Zenco Ltd. has made Zen more accessible to the general public. At first, we tried to teach the classic "lotus" position: Right foot on left thigh, left foot on right...
He demonstrates. Stiffly:
ART
...back straight, hands in lap, eyes half closed and...
(breathes deeply)
...the counting of breaths on every exhale to focus the mind...
(breathes)
...and eventually empty it...
Though he tries to make it look simple, he pops out of his lotus position a little too eagerly with:
ART
...which is really quite easy once you get used to it but for the average guest of course an alternative had to be found.
JAPANESE MAN
Why?
Art is again momentarily taken aback, but recovers quickly:
ART
Well, because discomfort and pain didn't look good in the brochures.
The group CHUCKLES. Except one.
ART
Hence, the patented Zenco Meditation Chair - which offers complete comfort while promoting full alertness and-- Yes?
JAPANESE MAN
Isn't it better to learn proper position and overcome one's pain?
ART
Well, I don't see why...
JAPANESE MAN
To be a little closer to Buddha. As we like to say.
Hearing his own words, Art just stares a moment, then ropes in a Zenco Instructor, already standing by:
ART
Cindy'll answer any question you have about meditation. I'll be back in a few minutes after you've had a chance to try it - Cindy?
He forces a smile and leaves CINDY in front of the group.
CINDY
You know, just for fun, we like to start everyone out in the lotus position and hold it as long as possible before moving on to the ZMC's so you can feel the...
And as Art makes his way up an aisle of the patented Zenco Meditation Chairs with a silent sigh
THE BACK OF THE ROOM
finds another business-suited guide awaiting his arrival.
RONALD "YOOP" YUPNOWSKI is Art's contemporary in more ways than one, but his Play-doh features have yet to harden into the mask of adulthood. He looks at his own PDA with mock disapproval:
YOOP
Kemosabe late. And thunder-faced.
ART
Yupnowski irritating. And Polish.
YOOP
Woo, tough group?
They both remove a bill from their wallets and place them in the hands of a large Buddha statue.
ART
I got one guy who thinks he's on "Zen Jeopardy". And brought his own robe.
YOOP
Well, I guess the important thing is... I'm already up by three.
He glances toward the front of the room, establishing a pattern which he and Art occasionally repeat throughout their conversation.
ART
Were. One, two.
He retrieves his pocketed PDA and begins punching in data.
YOOP
You already got some biters? Four.
ART
No, these are the signups from yesterday. Three. I ran out of time to update my files. Four and five.
YOOP
Good catch?
ART
Eight of ten.
YOOP
You da man.
ART
We'll find out today, won't we?
(allows a SIGH)
Man, I'm glad these are the last groups...
YOOP
Hey, all for the greater glory of "McZen". Five, six. "Limited". Seven.
ART
These are the dregs, Yoop. Six. They're never gonna franchise anyway. Seven, eight.
YOOP
Our job's to sign `em up for the Final Presentation. After that... Eight annnnnd... yes, nine.
We now see what they've been counting: The number of Potential Investors from their respective groups who have abandoned the lotus position for a Zenco Meditation Chair.
ART
I've been signing `em up for over two months. If I'm gonna win it, it's already a done deal. I'm totally on autopilot today.
YOOP
Hey, don't kick back on me now, Boss. You know Dolores?
ART
Conner's assistant?
YOOP
She's hinting it's still pretty close between you and...
ART
Damn.
YOOP
(an affirmative)
Yoop.
ART
Well, when did you and Dolores...? Never mind, just try an' get the specific numbers, would ya?
YOOP
Hey, what am I? Your lap dog? Your lackey? Your yes man?
(thinks, concedes)
I'll see what I can do.
ART
(re: group)
I'll have to pick it up, shoot for ten out of ten again. Hey, here we go - nine...
They both peer at their respective groups, each with only one person left in the lotus position. Art's is the Japanese Man, who doesn't look like he's going anywhere soon. Yoop's... finally stands and moves to a lounge chair.
Art EXHALES. Yoop gives a shrug. Art starts back up the aisle, his work cut out for him. Yoop turns to the statue of Buddha:
YOOP
Thanks, Bud...
And as he collects the bills, leaving Buddha empty-handed
CUT TO:
EXT. ZEN RECREATION YARD - DAY
not unlike the arts and crafts area of a summer camp, where Art, speaking with a few more commas now, leads his group past long tables of robed guests busily keeping busy:
ART
...and so we come to the second of our Three Pillars of Zen: "Samu", which is Japanese for "Motorcycle Maintenance"...
(off CHUCKLES)
Just kidding. "Samu" refers to "recreation"...
He sees the Japanese Man's eyebrows begin to knit, so quickly continues:
ART
...where guests can relax - and reflect - while enjoying a number of traditional activities. Flower arranging... Calligraphy... Even sand gardening.
They've come upon a table where guests are designing sand patterns in cake pans with miniature rakes.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #3
It looks very peaceful.
ART
Exactly the point...
(reads name tag)
..."Ernie".
Since talking to Yoop, Art has obviously turned on the charm afterburners.
ART
"Samu" is peaceful, meditative...
JAPANESE MAN
Doesn't "samu" more properly refer to "labor"?
ART
You know, I'm glad you asked me that...
(deciphering tag)
..."Doctor", hm, Doctorrrrr... is that an "H"...?
DR. H
Yes. As in hard labor, or "samu".
ART
(makes odd gesture)
Well, we couldn't just put paying guests to work in the fields, now could we?
DR. H
Why?
Art's gotten burned on this "why"-thing before, but is spared the heat by an electronic BRRRING! which immediately prompts him to remove his PDA from his blazer:
ART
Excuse me...
(into phone)
Art Westin... Uh-huh... Right now...? I see. Hold on.
(to group)
Uh, if you'll excuse me for just a few minutes - please feel free to walk around and observe - ask questions - I have a small matter to attend to.
(into phone)
Okay, give me the details... Uh-huh... Uh-huh...
Art moves away from the dispersing group, "uh-huhing" until he's out of earshot before adding one last irritated
ART
...uh-huh-this-guy-is-driving-me-nuts.
(listens)
Yeah, fine, but then what would we do with the body?
Now on the opposite side of the yard, he comes upon Yupnowski - who also speaks into his PDA:
YOOP
How about dump it in a certain co-worker's office and call "60 Minutes"?
ART
What'd Dolores say?
They both BLEEP off their PDAs, which have accomplished their prearranged purpose of rescue.
YOOP
Just that it's still close.
(before a protest)
Hey, Connors wants to keep it a surprise until the announcement. She wouldn't even tell me if I get to go.
ART
None of us should have to go. It's all just a big PR smoke screen for the customers.
YOOP
Yeah, but like you said, if you gotta go, it might as well be Tokyo.
ART
Even Tokyo's a waste of time.
YOOP
Yeah, but whoever gets Tokyo'll probably get Los Angeles cuz it's the biggest franchise an' offers the greatest upward mobility an' is stocked like a lake with babes an'll need a loyal and well-dressed second-in-command to help him an' stop me before I beg oh, please, Art, take me with you-oo-oo-ooooo...
ART
Maybe you'll win.
YOOP
Come on, everybody knows it's between you and Mortie for--
A VOICE
Boys.
Art and Yoop turn to face
MORTICAY RUSHING
another contemporary - though furrowed beyond his years.
YOOP
I thought you had to say his name three times before he appeared.
ART
Hey, Mortie.
YOOP
Mort.
MORTICAY
(an old reminder)
I prefer "Morticay".
ART AND YOOP
(in unison)
We know.
MORTICAY
(smiles, sort of)
I thought I overheard you two talking about--
BEEP-BEEP, BEEP-BEEP. All three check their PDAs.
YOOP
Mine.
ART
What's up?
YOOP
Ah, just a pill I gotta take.
(removes pillbox)
I had a company physical an'--
ART
Blood pressure?
YOOP
Yeah. How'd you...?
ART
(removes own box)
I got the blue ones, too. Diuretics.
YOOP
So what're the pink ones?
ART
Beta blockers, next step up. I guess you're just not working hard enough.
MORTICAY
I know what you mean. I've got the blue and pink, too.
He removes his own pillbox and allows Yoop to peer inside. Art is unconcerned. Until:
YOOP
So what're the yellow ones?
ART
Yellow?
MORTICAY
(shrugs)
I guess I'm just working too hard.
Round One to Morticay.
ART
Hey, Yoop, you should probably get yourself one of these, too.
He removes from his blazer a small fabric tube with a long white wire which he attaches to his PDA:
ART
All you gotta do is stick your finger in here, punch up the App, wait for the sensor - an' it gives you a digital readout of your BP.
MORTICAY
(removes his own)
No pulse rate?
Round Two to Morticay. A standoff ensues between the two contenders as they stand toe-to-toe with their finger-shroud BP devices, until Yoop breaks the staredown with a shrug and the obvious
YOOP
Gentlemen... start your monitors.
Art and Morticay thrust their fingers into their respective devices and - BEEP - hit their PDAs. The tension builds until - BEEP, BEEP - and they compare their displays...
Round Three and the belt to Morticay.
MORTICAY
(consoling)
You'll live longer.
But the pride of a greater systolic is hard to hide as Morticay exits. Yoop turns to Art:
YOOP
Maybe if you start eating really salty foods...
ART
At least I can beat him to the next station - then his group'll have to wait in that damn line.
He starts quickly back to his group. Yoop calls after him:
YOOP
I thought you had the nature walk next...!
EXT. GARDENS
as Art practically jogs his group through:
ART
...trees, trees; water, water; lovely, lovely...
And as the scenery blurs
CUT TO:
EXT. WAITING AREA
as Art, now PANTING, pulls up with his group before three prefab huts - where a line of name-tagged investors has already formed. With Morticay at their head.
Art DEFLATES, leading his group toward the back of the line:
ART
The third and final Pillar of Zen is "sanzen" - or study with the Master...
Off "Master", Art glances at Morticay, who is unable to suppress his systolic smile.
ART
...which is normally facilitated by Zenco's "Three Masters - No Waiting" policy. However, due to the unusual number of investors on the grounds today, there'll be a short wait so that everyone can have an individual audience.
Morticay directs members of his own group into huts as they are vacated, not unlike a busy airline ticket agent.
ART
In the meantime, let me explain that, traditionally, the Zen Master assigns each disciple what is known as a "koan" to study while meditating.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #4
How do you spell that?
ART
"K - o - a - n." Koan. It's a paradox to prepare one to think beyond logic and break through to a higher level. Probably the most famous of these being "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Art notes the arrival of the group led by Yoop - who pantomimes one hand clapping for Art's benefit.
ART
Of course, you see the problem. Traditional koans have no set answer, and can take anywhere from days to years to solve, even with the Master's guidance. That's why Zenco Masters are trained to direct their subjects toward more tangible zen-like goals.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #5
Such as?
ART
Such as understanding the continued popularity of Bob Dylan.
(off CHUCKLES)
No, actually, things like rediscovering one's inner child, or our own special worth, or--
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #6
Zenco supplies all these Masters?
ART
Absolutely. The Master is the heart of the franchise.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #7
But we still get to approve anyone you send, right?
ART
You have final approval of any personnel supplied by Zenco Ltd. - including the Franchise Consultant, such as myself, who will live on-site and--
DR. H
What qualifies you?
Here we go again. But Art seems ready:
ART
I've personally been working at Zenco since its inception, and further hold an MBA from--
DR. H
What qualifies you as a Zen consultant?
ART
All Zenco consultants are given extensive training in the history and theory of--
DR. H
Have you ever actually practiced Zen?
The group waits.
ART
No.
Eyebrows raise.
ART
But I hope to very soon.
Now it's Dr. H's turn to look surprised.
ART
Within the next few days, Zenco plans to send five of its top consultants to Japan to stay in actual Zen monasteries. I hope to be one of the lucky few.
MURMURS of approval.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #8
And this is to, what, so you can gain first-hand experience?
ART
Exactly.
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #9
So when'll you find out if you're one of the ones?
ART
An announcement is going to be made by our CEO this afternoon...
(checks progress)
...unless, of course, he's waiting in this line. No, really, hang on, it should only be a few more minutes.
This redirects the group's attention to the front of the line, except for chummy Potential Investor #3:
POTENTIAL INVESTOR #3
So, Art, how do they decide who gets to go?
ART
Well, Ernie, it's based on whoever signs up the most investors for the Final Franchise Presentation. Sooo... wish me luck.
He pats the man on the back with a big smile and hears
DR. H
Good luck.
before moving away from the line to rendezvous with Yoop:
YOOP
Man, now I see what you mean. Although, you know, it seems like I've seen that guy before...
ART
Tail? Pitchfork?
YOOP
No, right here at Club Meditation.
(gives up on it)
`Ey, who cares? Just look at this place.
(re: guest crowds)
Must be inflation. Now there's two born every minute.
Art, too, looks around him. But when he speaks, it's with a tone we haven't heard before. Lacking certitude:
ART
I don't know. They must come here for a reason...
If the moment is lost on Yoop, it isn't on Dr. H - who now stands within earshot. Nodding almost imperceptibly.
YOOP
You helped design the marketing campaign.
ART
(coming back)
Ah. I knew it had to be a good reason.
Their LAUGH is cut short by the discovery of
ART
Oh, uh, Doctorrr... it's an "H"...
DR. H
I believe I've seen all I need to see. Rather than wait, I wonder if I might return with the group ahead of us?
It's too good to be true. Not only is he talking about leaving, he's talking about leaving with Morticay's group.
ART
Uh, yes - yes, of course.
Dr. H gives a slight bow and exits. This time, Art is a bit more emphatic:
ART
Yes.
YOOP
Man, not only do you get rid of him, he's still got time to poison some of Mortie's group.
ART
Maybe there's a Buddha after all...!
And off his exclamation
CUT TO:
BUDDHA
or rather one of the Buddha statues last seen inside the
INT. GREAT MEDITATION HALL - AFTERNOON
as the Buddha is whisked OUT OF FRAME and replaced by a blunt powerpoint projector - its single eye somewhat Buddha-like itself, in a Western revisionist sort of way.
Zenco Meditation Chairs now stand at full and upright attention, the first few rows filled with business-suited men and women.
Up front, A YOUNG WOMAN adjusts the powerpoint projector and fills a large screen with the words: "Zenco Limited".
DOLORES
If I could have your attention, I think we're ready to begin...
While the BUZZING in the Hall quickly subsides, Dolores makes eye contact with Yoop, who passes on the encouraging smile to Art, seated next to him.
DOLORES
Mr. Connors?
Dolores takes a seat next to the projector as HEARTY APPLAUSE welcomes the founder and Chief Executive Officer of Zenco Limited: JOHN CONNORS, his colorless mane belying a colorful history of real estate ventures, most of which have left investors shaking their heads - all the way to the bank.
CONNORS
Thank you. Thank you, Dolores. Well, from the final signup tallies I've just been given, I know some of you have had a long - and fruitful - day...
More APPLAUSE as Yoop Steve-Martin-points to Art.
CONNORS
...so I'll keep this brief.
(holds up paper)
These five people have earned a wonderful opportunity. An opportunity to experience traditional, monastic Zen; to share their observations and suggestions with our customers at the Final Franchise Presentation; and most importantly - and let's never forget this - an opportunity to help make their boss fabulously wealthy.
LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE.
CONNORS
Seriously, by legitimizing themselves they legitimize the whole of Zenco - so "Buddha-speed" to them all as we begin with the fifth place winner.
He looks to Dolores, who hits a button on a laptop and brings up a projected image of a modest Japanese monastery.
CONNORS
...who'll be travelling to Kamakura, just outside of Tokyo. Come on up here and get your Monastery Info Pack... Ronald Yupnowski!
The only one happier than Art is Yoop himself. He makes his way up front, passing Dolores with a wink, then shakes hands with Connors, who hands him a folder.
And as Yoop stands framed by the projected photo behind him, facing his peers with a
YOOP
Thank you.
THE FOURTH PLACE WINNER
REPLACES HIM, framed by a different monastery photo:
FOURTH PLACE
Thank you.
And immediately followed by
THE THIRD PLACE WINNER
framed by yet another monastery photo, but with the same
THIRD PLACE
Thank you.
Connors initiates the APPLAUSE that sends Third Place back to his seat. The CEO then affects an air of gravity:
CONNORS
I don't think I need to tell anyone who the last two names on this list are...
Leaning forward in his lounge chair, Art catches a glimpse of Morticay at the end of the row - doing the same thing.
CONNORS
They're both highly valued members of this organization, and upon their return, will no doubt oversee our largest franchises.
Yoop COUGHS a less-than-subtle "L.A." toward Art.
CONNORS
Together they've signed up nearly half the Potential Investors who will return next month.
(dramatically)
And yet only one signup separated their final totals.
Not what Art wanted to hear. Something draws his attention to a side window, but the robed figure outside blurs and disappears.
CONNORS
I wish they could both win. But only one gets to go to Tokyo.
Dolores hits a key on her laptop and the projected image changes to the most impressive monastery complex yet seen. Some "Ooos" and "Ahhs" alert Connors, who irritably motions "not yet" to Dolores. She hastily removes the image.