Wishful Weddings
By Hy Brett
Copyright 2011 Hy Brett
Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Cover design by C. Linda Dingler
WISHFUL WEDDINGS
Star-Crossed Lovers United At Last!
How delicious is the winning
Of a kiss at love's beginning,
When two mutual hearts are sighing
For the knot there's no untying!
Thomas Campbell
PREFACE
Whenever I attend a wedding and observe the exultation of the bride and groom, I am compelled to take out a handkerchief and shed a tear for all the characters in books, plays and films who never quite made it to the altar. I think, for instance, of The Maltese Falcon, in which private eye Sam Spade had to be professional and pin the murder of his partner, Miles Archer, on the lovely and amorous Brigid O'Shaughnessy. We have all heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but, on the other hand, forty years in Alcatraz may well chill a relationship between a man and a woman.
This book reverses the marital decisions of writers who were ruled by their heads and not their hearts. If any readers can show just cause why these characters may not lawfully be joined together, let them now speak or else forever hold their peace. Expecting criticism from folks who have suffered vertigo on the marriage-go-round, I admit at once that only God and maybe Yente, the matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof, can know for sure whether my brides and grooms would have been better off if they had married someone else. Or if, Cupid forbid, they had remained single. However, to make these unions more official and respectable, here are the wedding notices as they would have appeared in local newspapers, whether the New York Times, the Madison County Livestock Gazette, the Wuthering Heights Evening Breeze, the Metropolis Daily Planet, the Elsinore Castle Herald-Chronicle, the Verona Courier, the Skull Island Post-Mortem Enquirer, or the Duchy of Frankenstein Herald.
In several of the notices, the brides and grooms are characters whose loves and longings were, for some reason, ignored by their authors, and I have attempted to correct these shameful oversights.
Casablanca
Ilsa Lund Laszlo and Richard S. Blaine
Ilsa Lund Laszlo, the daughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Lund of Prague, was married yesterday in Washington, D.C. to Richard S. Blaine, son of the late Stanley and Penelope Blaine of Chicago. The ceremony was performed at St. Theresa's Church by Bishop Louis Haville of Marseilles. Bishop Haville, a former major in the French army, was stationed in the early '40s in Casablanca, Morocco, where the groom owned Rick's Place, a night club and gambling casino, until it was confiscated by the German authorities after the airport slaying of their local commandant, Gen. Fritz von Sheller.
Mrs. Blaine, 42, is the widow of Victor Laszlo, a leader in the European underground struggle against the Nazi invaders during the worst years of World War II. Mr. Laszlo's health was permanently impaired in the course of his day and night labors, but he lived long enough to witness the liberation of Europe. General Dwight D. Eisenhower, Prime Minister Winston Churchill and General Charles de Gaulle were among the comrades in arms who attended his funeral in Prague on April 16, 1946. Since the end of the war and her distinguished service in the underground, Mrs. Blaine has been a media consultant at Shlick, Wetz and Grundig, an advertising agency in Prague. She graduated from the University of Bohemia, where she majored in cryptography and espionage.
Mr. Blaine, 55, postponed his studies at Northwestern University to pursue business opportunities as a professional gambler both at home and abroad. During a poker game in Casablanca, he won the establishment that he renamed Rick's Place, and he operated it for six years until he and Father Haville fled to occupied France, where they led the underground until Mr. Blaine was appointed by President Roosevelt to help establish the O.S.S., an overseas intelligence network that later became the C.I.A., of which he is presently assistant director. The wedding march, by Felix Mendelssohn, was performed with grandeur and solemnity on the church organ by Sam Cook, an old friend of the groom, and once his pianist at Rick's Place in Casablanca. At the reception later on, in Mr. Cook's night club in Georgetown, Rick's Place II, he played "As Time Goes By" on his old piano. The bride and groom agreed that the song had a multitude of memories for them, almost as many as the lid of Sam's old piano had rings from their glasses of wine and whiskey.
They will honeymoon in Monte Carlo, where Mr. Blaine intends to play roulette and win possession of the world-famous casino, which will become Rick and Ilsa's Place.
Romeo and Juliet
Juliet Capulet and Romeo Montague
Juliet Capulet, the sheltered daughter of Lord and Lady Capulet of fair Verona, was married yesterday to Romeo Montague, the ardent and impetuous son of Lord and Lady Montague, also of Verona. After a special dispensation from His Holiness the Pope, the ceremony was performed at the Church of the Annunciation by Friar Lawrence, who until now has restricted his duties to prayer and premarital counseling. Originally, both the bride and groom had expressed a strong desire for a moonlight ceremony on their very special spot, the balcony outside her bedchamber, but when they and Friar Lawrence and their immediate families all stepped out upon it for a rehearsal, it immediately crashed to the ground. Rushed to Verona for his estimate of the damage, Papal architect Michelangelo Buonarroti said that a new balcony of equal beauty could not possibly be built in time for the nuptial day.
The bride, 14, studied singing, flirting and gossiping with her nurse, and then learned aristocratic deportment and household supervision from her mother, Lady Maria Capulet, whose ancestors fought in the crusades to free Jerusalem from the infidels, and later introduced the pastry called Turkish delight to Italy. The ancestry of Lord Capulet is no less distinguished, and it was a fourteenth-century member of the Venetian branch of the family, Lord Luciano Capulet, who introduced the famous watercraft that still bears the name of his wife, the Lady Gondola of Milan.
Romeo, 19, who is majoring in falconry at the University of Turin, studied fencing with his friend Mercutio until the latter was killed in a street brawl with Tybalt, a kinsman of Mrs. Juliet Montague. When Romeo killed Tybalt in revenge, he was banished by the Duke until Lord Enrico Capulet, Romeo's father, reminded the Duke that he had once saved him from drinking a Chianti '56, a gift from the vineyards of Lucretia Borgia. A gentleman of honor who can trace his ancestry back to King Priam of ancient Troy, the Duke returned the favor and pardoned Romeo on condition that he and the other Montagues forever after keep the public peace with the Capulets.
The wedding reception had just begun when Juliet's old nurse was hurried away to her quarters. Already tipsy, she was singing a ditty to the effect that her former charge might become a mother in far fewer than the customary nine months after a nuptial night.
The Barbie and Ken Doll Collection
Barbie Doll And Ken Doll
Barbara Ellen Doll, a daughter of Raggedy Andy and Raggedy Ann Doll of the R. H. Macy toy department in New York City, was married yesterday to her distant cousin, Kenneth Spencer Doll, a son of G.I. Joe and G.I. Josephine Doll of the Toys R Us store in the White Mountain Shopping Center in Fordham, New Hampshire. The Rev. J. Peter Penguin performed the ceremony at the Church of St. Germayne, the guardian of children, in Staten Island. The Rev. Penguin, a family friend of both sets of parents, was so exhausted by his long swim from his official parish in Antarctica that he had to be restuffed completely at the As Good As New Doll Hospital in Brooklyn.
Mrs. Doll graduated cum laude from the La Reine de Beauté School of Modeling in Manhattan and is currently the most popular model with the Jessica Windsor Agency. Thanks to her exquisite appearance in a variety of hairstyles and wardrobes, she has appeared on the cover and also on the pages of such important magazines as Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Harper's Bazaar, Elle and the annual swimwear edition of Sports Illustrated. Endowed with anatomical correctness, she has sought to share her blessings with women of all ages, and her exercise videos, endorsed by Oprah Winfrey, now outsell those of Cher and Jane Fonda combined.
Mr. Doll attended Toyland University on an athletic scholarship until he badly twisted an arm during the fourth quarter of a football game against The Plaything Institute of Technology. While he was recuperating at Massachusetts General Doll Hospital in Boston, a fellow patient who happened to be a fashion photographer was much impressed by his appearance in a striped orange bathrobe and a pair of blue silk pajamas with yellow hearts. His picture of Mr. Doll appeared on the cover of a J. C. Penney catalogue, and Mr. Doll has been the world's preeminent male model ever since.
Aware that their wedding would be the most important event in their life, Mr. and Mrs. Doll ordered not only a wedding gown and formal evening attire for the church ceremony and reception, but also a complete outfit for the trip from their homes to the church, and another complete outfit from the reception to Newark Airport, where they would be departing for their ten-day honeymoon in Hawaii. Employing six trunks and twenty-two suitcases, all color-coordinated, they have already forwarded the three hundred garments of their fun-in-the-sun ensembles to the Hawaii Hilton. In order to accommodate their clothes as well as themselves, they had to book the Pineapple Suite and also rent three portable wardrobes from BobbieHannah MontanaDollhouses.com.
The Bridges of Madison County
Francesca Johnson and Robert Kincaid
Francesca Johnson, a daughter of the late Antonio and Maria Mancuso of Scudari, a village near Bologna, was married yesterday to Robert Kincaid, the prize-winning photographer whose works are in the permanent collections of the International Center of Photography and other famous museums. The Rev. Andrew Legato, the bride's parish priest in Madison County, Iowa, performed the ceremony at the Church of Santa Maria dei Miracoli in Venice.
The bride, 55, received her education in Christian morality and also secular subjects at the St. Filumena School in Scudari, and she won there many prizes for her preparation of carrots and pasta primavera. One of her essays, entitled "Can Sophia Loren Be a Role Model for a Catholic Girl?" was commended by her Mother Superior and printed in the Scudari Messenger.
After a previous marriage to Richard Johnson, an American soldier, and then her relocation in Madison County, the bride's cannolis and zeppolis were much admired at bake sales in the area, and she appeared briefly but memorably in a segment of On the Road, the popular TV series hosted by Charles Kuralt. Mr. Johnson died heroically two years ago, while directing rescue operations during the worst flood of the North Raccoon River in over a century. In appreciation of his long service both to humans and animals, the Iowa Cattlemen's Association awarded season passes to home games of the Madison Marvels to his widow and their two children, Carolyn and Michael.
The bridegroom, 62, dropped out during his sophomore year at Northwestern University, but later graduated with honors from the Chicago Institute of Photography. Though invited to teach at his alma mater, he preferred to work at his craft, especially outdoors. His world-famous photographs of the covered bridges in Madison County, Iowa, which first appeared in The National Geographic in 1966, were so popular with both critics and the public that Eastman Kodak appointed him as its official photographer and roving ambassador of goodwill. He was successful in both capacities, producing not only a spate of pictorial masterpieces but also being honored as Man of the Decade by the National Association of Farm Wives. On the twenty-fifth anniversary of his trip to Madison County, the Italian-American Arts Council commissioned him to photograph the equally famous bridges over the canals in Venice. It was while he was photographing the Bridge of Sighs that he reencountered the former Mrs. Johnson, whom he had known briefly back in Madison County. She was in Venice to attend the funeral of an aunt, and also, if possible, to find new low-calorie recipes for her bake sales.
The couple will honeymoon in Paris, where, combining business with romance, the groom will photograph the bridges over the Seine for a special travel edition of Modern Maturity magazine.
The Lassie and Benji Movies
Lassie and Benji
Lassie, a daughter of Mr. Pal and Mrs. Princess of Harrison Heights, Missouri, was married yesterday afternoon to Benji, a son of Ms. Ginger of Chicago and of an unknown father, either of Chicago or of Las Vegas, where Mr. and Mrs. John Styles, the family with whom the groom's mother resides, frequently visit for relaxation. Ms. Georgina Stewart, a longtime judge at the Ozark Dog Show, performed the civil ceremony at the Windsor Kennel Club in St. Louis.
The bride, 3, majored in obedience at Laura Laverne's Institute for Classy Canines in Darlington, and she later graduated with honors from the Hale Carnegie School of Deportment and Communication Skills. She has appeared on TV commercials for Purina dog foods and Trump kennels. Also, fulfilling her responsibilities as man's best friend, she is affiliated with both the police and the fire departments in Columbia County, and has been cited by local and state officials for her heroic rescues of creatures great and small, and regardless of their race, religion, national origin, breed, or species.
The bridegroom, 4, studied the retrieving of balls and sticks at the Young Men and Dog's Christian Association of Chicago. His proficiency brought him to the attention of Hal Gruder, manager of the Chicago Cubs, and he was appointed mascot of the team. While the Cubs were playing in Busch Stadium in St. Louis, a thief stole the favorite bat of outfielder Ned DeLuis, and the bridegroom's investigation led him to Columbia County, where he and Ms. Lassie were able to combine their skills and apprehend the thief.
The bride's father retired last year as dean of street-crossing studies at the Missouri Seeing Eye Dog College, but her mother continues to serve with the Narcotics Inspection Service at St. Louis Airport. During the first course of the dinner at McKibble's restaurant that followed the ceremony, a cocker spaniel named Mr. Rover leaped through the window and identified himself as the father of the groom. The groom's mother suspected that Mr. Rover was more interested in the refreshments than in family values, but after sniffling him thoroughly and then biting his tail, she agreed to let him stay and to reestablish a tentative and platonic relationship with her.
The Maltese Falcon
Brigid O'Shaughnessy and Samuel Spade
After all present had imbibed a slug of bootleg whiskey for good luck, Brigid Cecile Kathleen O'Shaughnessy, who claims descent from the kings of Ireland but whose immediate antecedents are Spike and Babe O'Shaughnessy of Brooklyn, New York, was married yesterday to Samuel Donald Spade, the son of Lucille and Nicholas Spade, who reside on the wrong side of the tracks in Laguna Junction, a suburb of San Francisco. Judge Richard M. Dugan, who had once sentenced Mrs. Spade to twenty-five years at hard labor at Alcatraz, performed the ceremony in his chambers at the Criminal Courts Building in San Francisco.
Even after her incarceration at Alcatraz, Mrs. Spade still claimed to be innocent in the death of, among other alleged victims, Miles Archer, Mr. Spade's partner in a detective agency on Bush Street. At various times she claimed that the murder had been committed by an Oriental hit woman who called herself The Dutchman in order to fool the authorities, or by a trained falcon from Malta. Her sentence was eventually shortened to two years after Warden Edward Gluck wrote a glowing report on her improvement in conduct, due in part to his personal counseling after slugs of Jack Daniels in his private office.
Mr. Spade, who received his master's degree from the Chuck Collins Correspondence School of Criminal Detection, has turned down repeated offers to head the Federal Bureau of Investigation in Washington, because he believes that it is impossible to get a decent bowl of chop suey away from San Francisco's Chinatown. Upon his engagement last month to the former Miss O'Shaughnessy, Mr. Spade came to a mutual understanding with Effie Perine, his longtime gal Friday. They agreed wholeheartedly that, considering Mrs. Spade's prowess with firearms, their present relationship was not really going anywhere except maybe to the morgue.
Depending on the relative quality of chop suey and bootleg gin, Mr. and Mrs. Spade will honeymoon in either Atlantic City or Niagara Falls.
Carmen
Carmen Del Rio and Don Josê Lopez y Murillo
After a long and tempestuous courtship that included stabbing and defenestration, Carmen del Rio, a gypsy of obscure parentage, was married yesterday to Don José Lopez y Murillo, son of Armando and Maria Theresa Lopez of the Basque province in Spain. Msgr. Michael Kelly officiated at All Saints Church in East Harlem in New York City.
The groom's parents, landowners who can trace their ancestry to the conquistadores who rid Spain of the Moors in the fifteenth century, did not attend the ceremony. They disapprove so strongly of their son's marriage to a gypsy without even a drop of noble blood in her veins that they have appealed to the Pope to annual the marriage on the grounds that she is still married in Spain to at least six other men, all commoners as well as common criminals.
Mrs. Lopez, 31, majored in purse-snatching and pocket-picking at the Gypsy Baron Academy of Arts and Science, a non-accredited institution in Seville. After graduating with honors, she interrupted a flourishing career to spend two years at the San Vinden Reformatory for Wayward Girls in Barcelona. Upon being paroled from that establishment, she found honest daytime employment as a cigarette processor at Casa Marlboro, a tobacco company in Seville. Her nights, however, were devoted to prostitution, drinking brandy, and other pursuits congenial to her gypsy heritage and nature.
Mr. Lopez, 32, graduated as a lieutenant of cavalry from the King Ferdinand Military Academy in Murillo. After saving the former Miss del Rio from arrest for the stabbing of a colleague at the cigarette factory, he fell passionately in love with her, forsook his sacred responsibilities to his regiment, Spain and king, and then followed her into a life of banditry that included smuggling and even murder.
From time to time, especially at Easter and Christmas, his better nature warned him that he was living a life of evil, and he would implore Mrs. Lopez to start a new life with him in one of the new Hispanic communities in America. Eventually, with the aid of a monk named Brother Ernesto, she acceded to his requests, and they forged American immigration papers, robbed their last bank, and departed for their new and more virtuous life in New York City. He made her promise that if the streets there were really paved with gold, she would not attempt to steal them.
The newlyweds will honeymoon in Atlantic City. Upon their return to East Harlem, Mr. Lopez will resume his duties as a sergeant in the Cavalry Division of the New York Police Department, and Mrs. Lopez will realize a longtime dream in her new homeland of opportunity, and open a gypsy tea shop on Third Avenue, directly opposite Bloomingdale's, the world-famous department store. At the tea shop, her fortune-telling will specialize in turbulent romance and avoiding arrest.
Wuthering Heights
Catherine E. Linton and Heathcliff Walpole
Catherine Earnshaw Linton, the daughter of James and Amelia Earnshaw, both of them deceased and no doubt happy to be far away from her and her passions, was married last evening to Heathcliff Walpole, the natural son of the late Sir Robert Walpole and of Cherry James, a buxom chambermaid at the Primrose and Daisy, an inn near Lower Toople in Lincolnshire. The Rev. Silas Brock performed the ceremony at Wuthering Heights, the bride's ancestral home in the West Riding of Yorkshire. Of the thirteen people invited to the ceremony, only the groom's mother was able to attend. The others perished along the road during a sudden snowstorm from the Scottish highlands. The Rev. Brock refused to speculate whether the snowstorm was instigated by a witch who had once placed Wuthering Heights under a curse for all eternity.