"I just want to say that it is a must that you live with a person before you get married. I found out so many things about my husband. There are not enough words for the things I learned about him before we got married." -Jamie
"It's just a good feeling to have somebody at home waiting for you when you walk in the front door; married or not, it doesn't matter." -Wanda
"Ms. Monica, what's the big deal? A lot of couples live together on campus. They just shift his stuff around when her parents show up for a visit." -Gina
"Yea, we're living together again. I know it sounds crazy but I don't want to start over."-Sheila
"Why do women always say,' I'm waiting on God to send me a man?'... Me personally... I don't think that God would answer that prayer because he doesn't acknowledge sex before marriage or shacking up! Now answer that question ladies...hmmmmm?"-Sammy
HE SAYS, SHE SAID ABOUT COHABITATION:
LIVING TOGETHER IN THE 21ST CENTURY
By:
Monica J. Fletcher
Published By Monica Fletcher at Smashwords. Copyright 2011 Monica Fletcher
All Rights Reserved. This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return toSmashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. This book was developed as an illustration. Please consult your professional counselor or legal representation before implementing the suggestions in this publication. Cover Design © Morris Publishing
I dedicate this book to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
I also dedicate this to the millions and millions of women around the globe who will read this book and decide that living together without being married is no longer an option. I would also like to dedicate this book to my entire family, because without each one of you, I wouldn't be who I am today; good, bad and other. © To my New Birth Family, thank you for delivering God's action filled words to my soul. To my New Hope Baptist Church Family in Birmingham, Alabama, "Thank you" for everything!!
Acknowledgments
I especially want to thank Timika, LaToya, Natasha, Sheree and LaTasha from the bottom of my heart. I do not take you sharing your life changing moments with me lightly. To Shemika Clasberry, Amina McIntyre, Japaul Vines and Reance Gordon thank you for editing the heck out of this book.
Foreword
What ever happened to her wedding day dreams? Why did she move out of her parent's house so fast? What happened to her educational goals? When they met she didn't mean for the kids to come so soon. Her weight- gain has caused her not to get out there and pursue someone else. What happened to her spiritual standards? What about what He says?
There are a lot of men and women living together unmarried. I am almost positive that most of these women expected an engagement ring within the first six to twelve months of moving in. "You just don't understand I love him and I am willing to be patient" she said to reassure her family and close friends.
Cohabiting relationships are all about testing the waters of his habits and/or patterns. Does he pay his bills on time? How's his credit? How will he interact with my kids? Does he have a job, a driver's license, how does he treat his mom? I really needed to see how he planned to take care of me.
But what happened to our wedding day dreams?
This book is filled with stories from different women, including the two of us who said, "I followed my mind, my heart, and the opinion of other people as I entered into each cohabitating relationship, but what He says, went right out the window."
As a matter of fact, one relationship based solely on lust, eventually turned into physical, mental and emotional abuse.
More than anything, we have to learn how to define and apply unconditional love. That's the only way you will ever learn how to keep your emotions under control. (Refer to 1st Corinthians 13:1-8 in the Holy Bible)
We hope that these stories will help you just as much as they have healed us.
Much Love,
Tasha and Sheree
Introduction
One night I remember having this scary dream. In the dream, I was standing in the middle of a park, directly in front of a dark-colored wooden bench. The entire landscape was BEAUTIFUL!! As I walked toward the bench, a brown sack lunch appeared out of nowhere. When I reached for the bag, an apartment door immediately appeared right before my eyes.
The number 3 is the only one I remember seeing underneath the peep hole. I picked up the bag and walked over to the door, when much to my surprise again, it opened right up! As I slowly walked inside, I saw all sorts of people standing around the kitchen table, staring at each other.
While I don't remember every single detail, one thing that stands out to me was the look on their faces. No one smiled; no one said a word, not even a motionless greeting. Everyone just stood still with dark and blank stares looking towards each other and then to the ground. How could it be so beautiful outside and yet so dark and dreary inside the house?
In a quick moment of assumptions, I figured they were hungry. After all, there definitely wasn't enough food in the paper bag to feed everyone in the room. So I went from cabinet to cabinet like a crazy person trying to find more food.
Surely I couldn't leave them there without providing them at least one meal. Where was all the food? As I continued to search the cabinets, they all
stood around the table. But this time they looked at me with great confusion. I'm thinking, "Hello!?
Why do they continue to look at me with this single bag of food?" Certainly it would only hold me through lunch. And I will definitely be out of here by dinnertime. Needless to say, in my baffled state of mind, I soon found out why I was looked upon with such confusion. As soon as I touched the last cabinet door, the crowd turned their focus to the bedroom door.
I really start to freak out now because there was not a bedroom door visible when I first walked into the room! The door slowly opened and at first I didn't see anything. One of the women in the kitchen pointed and told me to look. I was not prepared for what I saw. Directly inside the entryway of the door, there stood a man and a woman who were obviously grasping each other's hand. Here's the kicker.
They were burned to pieces! I saw the outline of their bodies, and the only things that were literally in the right places where the eyes, the arms, and the hands. There was something about the woman's eyes that caught my attention. At that moment, I felt an overwhelming feeling that I should not formulate an opinion based on what I was seeing. I heard her say in her eyes, "Help me!"
It was one of the strangest emotions that I have ever felt in my life. And then in a flash of lightning, I heard him say, "That's it, that's enough!"
He lifted their hands in harmony, but there was no wedding ring. The fingers started to disintegrate. At that moment I did not feel an inkling of judgment.
To look beyond what was obvious, they were not married but they were living together as husband and wife. It was right there in front of my eyes, and all I could do was see them as God sees me. I saw God's love, his grace and his tender mercies staring directly at this couple. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that this dream was not about physical food, but was to remind me of how to bring others out with spiritual nourishment.
How can I condemn someone for a lifestyle that God loved me out of more than once? I want you to get a picture in your mind of the moment that you were delivered from a difficult situation. Imagine how you felt on the inside. See the people you chose to avoid because, after all, you couldn't let anyone know what you were doing in private. Think about the Church services you missed when that Preacher seemed to look right at you. The tossing and turning from trying your best not to hear God's voice calling out to you. Just re- imagine how you felt, and then you'll have the key on how to go out into the world and help someone else overcome the same situation. That's what I did! So now I ask every single person, out of love, to take a stand and don't live together before getting married. If you are in the relationship already, I lovingly plead with you to work on your plan to get out.
Father God, we just thank you for this lovely day and this time of fellowship to do your will. Father, we ask that those who read our words will actually hear what "You said," through us. Lord, hear their trials and tribulations so they will come back into oneness with you, loving you more, and following you into all truth. Father God, we pray that the ladies who read this book will earnestly seek your face to learn the desires of your heart. Father God, we thank you for bringing each of us together in a Spirit of transparency so that others can be delivered. We thank you for allowing us to release our experiences on this day so that others can be released as well in Jesus the Christ name we pray. Amen.-Prayed by Timika Howard
Chapter 1
A "milk maid" is a woman who is willing to service her man where the two of them live under one roof without a marriage certificate. No money, no car, bad credit and no place to live; that's how the first one ended. Still no car, near bankruptcy, a little money and no place to live — that's how #2 ended. Didn't pray before going in, prayed like hell to get out! I only pondered an exit strategy when we would argue.
All we did was go to church, and go to grandma's house who took us where? Back to church! I loved the Lord but church was killing me! Or so I thought at the time. It took an act of Congress to date. Every answer to any question was: Who, What, When, Where, How, and then, "No!" Why? Because my parents said so! Tell ten to twelve lies a month and it'll mess you up for life. I didn't want to do wrong, but I knew that curfew was already broken so I decided to finish off my fun. I got put on punishment for sloppy fun. And then I started to get greedy. Well back then, my church girl routine wore off, and at 19 years of age I decided to cut out on God, because the world offered me good old instant gratification, without any commitment.
One night I decided to keep my fun going, so I packed up a few pair of shoes and some clothes and mapped out a quick strategy to leave home. In less than 24 hours, I pulled myself into a world that enjoys romancing little naive God-fearing sons and daughters of the Church. I drove back to the "Gump" where I was enrolled in school, and there I decided to make a new life. My first experience at living together with my boyfriend happened in college.
Cohabitating for me was about convenience especially the first time. Yes, freedom with my new man was great until my parents showed up! Not one eloquent argument kept them from taking my car. The repo- parents showed up bright, early, and announced.
I knew exactly where my car was going; back to Birmingham and without me. Pride just wouldn't let me take my butt back home. Yes, I had to prove a point, so I dropped out of school, got a full time job, and stayed right there with my man. The brother had it going on! He was in one of the most popular fraternities on campus, a hard worker, very well groomed and he had a very charming and outgoing personality. He took really good care of me.
If my memory serves me correctly, we lived together for more than two years before the six year age difference started to bother me. I wanted to party, party and party!! And he tried to warn me that my lifestyle was taking a turn for the worse. Of course, I was not trying to hear it. I was young, free, and in control of my life for the first time, I felt alive! How could I ask him to leave when he was paying half the bills? My boyfriend and I lived through several unexpected twists and turns and things were not going as planned. One day after another intense conversation about my "new found bad habits", we decided to break up. We continued to live together, in separate bedrooms of course, because neither one of us wanted to look for a new place. BAD IDEA!! He tried to bully any guy that I attempted to date. He would give them the third, fourth and fifth degrees about anything. I tried to schedule dates around his work schedule, that didn't work either. So, when a close friend of mine from Birmingham needed a place to stay, he and I finally agreed to go our separate ways. We moved him out a few short months later.
I no longer had a spiritual support system in place. So my next man moved into my sore spots right on cue.
My second live-in boyfriend was one of the guys my first boyfriend tried to warn me about. "Monica, he is too protective over you," he said, "It's only been three months." But, of course, I thought he was just jealous. And then my new roommate started in with me, "Monica, there's something up with this dude, I don't know what it is, but something doesn't feel right about him. Why is he buying you all of this stuff? You're letting him do too much for you too soon, girl." I ignored her warning as well. It was great to have a man who treated me like a queen. Late night romantic telephone calls, semi-formal dinners every weekend, movie nights, bowling, shopping, he planned time to go out and do all of my favorite things.
When he asked me to move in with him, it just felt right. My roommate tried desperately to talk me out of it, but one thing about me back then, when I made up my mind to do something, I didn't pray about it. I just did it. We lived together for about a year before things got rough. First, he started to make comments about my friends calling too much, and then he started to comment about me going out too much without him. His comments were very subtle... "I'm a police officer, and baby, it's not good for people to have such easy access to us." My best days were filled with candlelight dinners and roses, so the first hit actually caught me totally off guard! He put such a spin on that thing that I went to bed thinking that it was my fault.
I left the apartment that night so confused. We stayed apart for a few days, and I finally agreed to see him again. Of course he promised me that he would NEVER hurt me like that again. He sealed it with an engagement ring. To this day, I promise I said, "No," to somebody. I must have blacked out, I'm sure of it! All I know was that people were hugging me; the kids were jumping on me saying auntie. When I looked down, there it was the ring of my dreams. Shortly after our engagement, we got back to business as usual. But I will never forget the night when his grandfather passed away. He was stretched out in the middle of the hallway, between the guest room and our bedroom. He held that pistol firmly at his side while he cried out like a baby.
That night, for the first time, it finally hit me, as I sat straight up on the sofa, trying to figure out a way to make it to the front door. Defeat for him created his violent and hostile nature. I don't know if he was taught how to lose, and boy, I paid for it dearly. Why didn't I just leave? Well to be honest, it was because financially, he satisfied my lack.
I was too embarrassed to let anyone know and I really thought that things would, get better for us. Things did get better for a period of time; no fussing, and no fighting. I vividly remember the day he even came home from work and suggested that we needed a change of scenery. So a few short months later, we decided to move to good old Birmingham, Alabama, the place I had abruptly left more than seven years ago. Guess what? Old habits do not die, they just simmer.