How to Bottom
Without Pain
Mike Alvear
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Mike Alvear
License Notes: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this ebook with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Table of Contents
Introduction: Why You Need To Read This Book
Chapter One: How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains
Chapter Two: Questions About Bottoming You Never Thought To ask
Chapter Three: How To Judge A Lube
Chapter Four: Butt Play, Butt Plugs & Other Forms Of Bottom Foreplay
Chapter Five: For Versatiles: How To Top
Chapter Six: How To Have Sex With A Condom
Introduction
Why You Need To Read This Book
Bottoming, or getting anally penetrated by another man, can be one of the most intensely pleasurable experiences you can have.
It can also be the most excruciating thing you’ll ever go through.
Which camp of experience you fall into depends on a lot of factors: Your view of masculinity, the way your body is built, your ability to relax, your ability to “surrender” to another man, your level of squeamishness (!) but most of all, your ability to “train” voluntary and involuntary muscles to relax.
Getting pleasure out of intercourse requires you to be of sound mind and ready body. This book addresses both sides of the equation.
I don’t know about you, but I alway learn better in real world situations. So I’ve formatted the book in a Q&A format. The “Q” being real questions from real men who have written me. I kinda hate the medicalized or mechanized view of sex. I believe in context, drawing out actual situations that gay men find themselves in and addressing them right then and there.
If you bought this book you probably fall into one of two groups:
1. You’re a virgin who really, really wants to do it but you’re too afraid to try.
2. You’ve tried it a few times and, well, it hasn’t exactly worked out.
Good news. You’re about to learn how to bottom without pain or stains. Sit back, relax, and think of Britain...
(If you don’t get the allusion, you’re American and under 30)
Chapter One:
How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains
Question:
Are people’s butts built differently on the inside? My boyfriend can swallow dining room furniture and I struggle with an ordinary sized dick. Is there anything I can do to make it easier to take on as much as he does?
--- Butt Challenged
Dear Butt Challenged:
The rectum is not a straight tube. The pubo-rectal sling pulls the rectum in an “S” curve. The more pronounced the “S” curve the more pain you’ll experience with larger objects. Your boyfriend probably has little “S” in his ass and that’s why he can take everything from A to Z in it.
So how do you match your boyfriend’s cavernous welcomes? Practice.
Here’s how: Stick a joy toy past the anus into the rectum. Always aim for your belly button. After a few inches it’ll most likely start to hurt. You’ve hit the curve. Pull it back a smidge then move your aim up towards the head and slide it back in slowly.
Did I mention SLOWLY? Remember, a fraction of an inch feels like a foot in your ass.
Because of the rectum’s “S” curve, it’s important to use a flexible dildo. As you relax more, the pubo-rectal sling elongates, lessening the curve.
Eventually, the rectum takes a left turn into the sigmoid colon. If you go that far, pack a lunch because you ain’t coming back.
~ ~
Question:
I’ve bottomed for several years but I'm not sure if I’m "cleaning out" properly. I even use a shower shot but it takes me forever and I’m not always squeaky clean afterwards. I insert the shower shot in my ass and keep it inside until I feel full then expel all the waste and repeat this process over and over and over again until the water comes out clean. This process can take about an hour to do - and even then I’m not completely clean. Is that normal? Should it take me that long to clean out every time? I feel like I’m cleaning out my entire digestive system. What am I doing wrong?
--Not so squeaky clean
Dear Not So Clean:
You’re failing because your diet sucks. No amount of shower shots, douching or rotor-rooting is going to clean you out completely if you eat a diet that produces more sludge than fudge. Which do you think is easier to clean--bowel movements that pass through the anal canal without leaving much residue or bowel movements that look like Jackson Pollock aimed his ass at the canvas and yelled, “FIRE!”?
There’s only one way to make sure your bowels pass through your poop deck without looking like they hosted a NASCAR event: Fiber. Men should eat 30-38 grams of fiber a day. Some experts say it should be as high as 60 grams a day. Guess how much the average guy eats? 10-15 grams! Everyone’s worried about carbs and proteins but if you’re going to bottom, you better keep an eye on your fiber intake. Here’s why:
* It keeps your shit together. Soluble fiber (like bananas) dissolves in water but isn’t digested, so it absorbs excess liquid in the colon, forms a thick gel and adds lots of bulk as it parades up Intestinal Hill and down to Rectum Road. Like most gay pride parades, it picks up hitchhiking stragglers. It also softens and pushes through impacted fecal matter. The fiber, I mean, not gay pride. Though you could make a case for that, too.
* They give shape to your shit. Ever see those Tokyo transit guys pushing passengers in with those sort of giant Schwab sticks so they can get more people into the train? That’s what insoluble fiber (like broccoli) does. Since it won’t dissolve in water and can’t be absorbed by the body, it passes through your stomach essentially intact, compacting “passengers” into the intestinal train and giving them the best shape to go through the colon.
So here’s what you need to do if you want a tongue-worthy sphincter:
1. Eat 40 grams of fiber a day. Which foods have the highest soluble and insoluble fiber? Google it. I ain’t writing a nutrition column here.
2. Drink lots of water. Fiber without water is like condoms without lube. It’s going to hurt like hell.
3. Take Fiber Supplements. I like Konsyl, even though it tastes like sawdust. It has the highest fiber content, though, so I don’t have to take it as often as other brands. Start with one dosage a day and work yourself up to three. S-L-O-W-L-Y. Too much fiber at one time gives you gas. Bedrooms are No Farts Zones. You don’t want your partners dying of auto-not-so-erotic asphyxiation.
Remember, you’re not aiming for the boys at Brita to raise a glass of your butt spit and say, “Now THAT’S filtered water!” You’re aiming for the ability to get yourself squeaky clean with just a little finger-mopping in the shower.
~ ~
Question:
I'm 24 years old and pretty experienced when it comes to guys. But I have a problem: Anal sex COMPLETELY disgusts me. Bottoming doesn't appeal to me--I'm not crazy about the feeling, and I can't stay hard when I top because I think its gross. I was bio/pre-med in college, and currently in nursing school. I took all those anatomy and microbiology classes; I know what's up there, and it kinda freaks me out. When my partners find out that I’m really not going to top or bottom they end up breaking up with me. Why do gay men feel that it’s not “sex” unless it’s anal? I'm passionate, romantic, very much into kissing and body contact, but if there's no fucking, I’m kicked to the curb. Should I force myself to do something I hate to keep these guys around? Please help. I'm close to giving up and joining a Tibetan Monastery!!!
-- No-Ass For Me
Dear No-Ass:
You’re not the only one, man. For years, I refused to top or bottom for the exact reason you won’t. To me, the male ass was like a vagina - a place where boners go to die. I could no more get it up than I could give it up.
After a few years - okay--a lot of years, I realized that my “disgust” wasn’t just rooted in legitimate hygiene concerns, but in my uptightness as well. I was like you--wound up tighter than Rosie O’Donnell’s girdle. The sooner you realize your discomfort isn’t just about hygiene the sooner you’ll be able to keep your boyfriends and expand your sexual horizon.
At the most basic level, you have to reframe your perception of the ass as some kind of biohazard. You’re a medical student, for God’s sakes. If you’re squeamish about this I can’t imagine what you’re going to be like when you’re faced with truly disturbing events, like gun shot wounds, or worse, me if I wake up next to you.
Here’s how to change your disgust into lust:
* Turn your medical knowledge into practical wisdom. You have the knowledge of “what’s up there” but not the wisdom to wipe it out? Come on! That’s like not stuffing a chicken because you know “what’s up there.” Douches, condoms and Hepatitis shots will wipe out 99% of your concerns. About asses, I mean, not chickens.
* Demystify your Mystery Meat. The inability to see your bat cave makes you anal about your anus. It’s the great unknown and when something’s unknown, you tend to project bad things into it. As opposed to inserting things into it. So, take a shower, clean your back-door winker and grab a mirror. As you look at it from different angles, notice what you’re thinking and feeling. Is it gross? Then relax in the face of grossness. It’s just a matter of time before you realize, “Oh, it’s just a hole.”
Next, stroke it with a light touch. It’ll stimulate blood flow and make you realize, “Hey, this kinda feels good!” Then, gently insert a lubed up finger and follow the instructions in Jack Morin’s unfortunately titled book, Anal Pleasure & Health. It’s the best book on the subject. The more comfortable you get with the body part that “disgusts” you the more comfortable you’ll be about topping or bottoming. Once you handle the hygiene and cork the fear, it’ll just be a matter of time before you show - or get--more ass than a Thai whore at a military base.
~ ~
Question:
I love being a bottom. There’s nothing sexier than having a cock in my ass. The thing is, when I'm being fucked, I feel like I am going to relieve myself on him, which would be mortifying to say the least. I douche, and while that completely empties me, it still feels like I’m going to shit myself while being fucked. I’m usually so worried during intercourse I can't enjoy it properly. How do I stop the feeling that I'm going to shit all over my partner's cock?
-- Full of it
Dear Full of it:
It’s not about stopping the feeling; it’s about re-interpreting it. Having a dick (or even a nice guy) inside you generates the same pressure you feel when you need to take a dump. That pressure then tightens the part of your body that stops you from defecating (the pubo-rectal sling). Only thing is, there’s nothing to defecate. Basically, your body is lying to you. First, it fools you into thinking you have to shit when you don’t, then it tries to stop you from expelling something that isn’t there.
You can’t stop the feelings, but you can stop reacting to them. Right now, you’re confusing symptoms with sensations. Yes, the sensations are real but they’re not symptoms of an imminent poop. The next time he enters you and it feels like you’re going to take a dump, say to yourself, “Ahh, the pressure of his dick is fooling my body into thinking it has to defecate. All I need to do is relax the muscles that just tightened.” Unless, of course, you had a double whopper with cheese and forgot to douche. Then you’re in a heap of trouble. And I do mean heap.
~ ~
Question:
Your advice on how to bottom without pain a while back was really good. In fact, too good. Now that I’ve learned how to do it without any pain, I’ve become a RAGING bottom. I love the way it feels and find myself cruising for hung guys to satisfy that deep-down big-dick hunger. But I’m worried that I’m going to stretch myself out permanently and do real damage. Will I end up wearing Depends if I keep banging dudes with big dongs?
-- Bottomless pit
Dear Bottomless Pitt:
Yes, if you’re not careful one day you’re going to bend down in your underwear and look like you’ve been shot with a gravy gun. Fortunately, there are ways to avoid it, but before we get to that, we need a little background. The sphincter and anal canal are remarkably elastic. During surgery, doctors can dilate the sphincter to the point of putting their hands up your ass. And no, you can’t volunteer to do it without anesthesia.
Think of your butt hole as a rubber band. It springs back to its original position unless you stretch it past its ability to rebound. Nobody knows where your sphincter’s rebound point is but, trust me, go past it and the only fudge you’ll be packing is at the bakery.
So how do you avoid a diaper-free future? By ‘training’ the elasticity of your sphincter muscles. There are two ways to do it:
1. Play With Toys. Practice pain-free insertion with butt plugs and dildos. Insert them to the point it gets uncomfortable, back off, hold it, and when it’s comfortable then push further.
2. Play With Bigger Toys. Assuming you don’t want your butt to be so pitiful it’s only worth sitting on, I’d graduate to bigger and bigger toys. But again, be careful. You know that vague burning sensation you can get when you bottom? It’s blood rushing to the area or the lining of your anus being torn. If you’re used to bottoming for guys in the six to seven inch range and you find a ten-inch specimen, DON’T let him top you. That’s what prison’s for. In the outside world, DIY it with a ten-inch toy first. Remember, practice makes perfect--without perforations.
3. Buy Lube By The Barrel. It eases penetration and minimizes abrasions caused by skin-to-skin friction. When it comes to lube too much is never enough.
4. Do Butt-tightening Exercises. Exercising the pelvic floor muscles is the most important thing you can do to regain elasticity. And believe me, you don’t want to regain it; you want to keep it from ever leaving. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to do them:
* Contract and release. Squeeze the muscles you use to stop peeing. Do ten in a row, three times a day. Then gradually increase the number of contractions.
* Vary the exercises. Try ‘The Flutter’ (tighten and let go quickly) and the ‘Pinch and Hold’ (tighten and don’t let go till you count to fifteen).
* Vary the positions. Start by sitting or standing but then try it while lying on your back or side or even while squatting. Different positions tone the muscle quicker.
* Add weight training. Put a towel on your erect penis and do the contractions. You want bragging rights? Do them with wet towels.
~ ~
Question:
I certainly appreciate what you said about fucking and pain and cocaine a few columns back, butt for me it's pot and the better the pot the bigger the dick I like up my ass. And this is from a top... Without the "lubrication" from marijuana I become one of those bottoms who after 5-10 minutes says, “Stop, it hurts!” (Not the kind of bottom I like to fuck.) Not that it really hurts but I just don’t like it all that much sober. Any comment on sex stoned?
-- High as a dildo
Dear High:
How many times do I have to tell you people that masking pain with drugs is asking for trouble?
You know that burning sensation you get when you’re penetrated by someone bigger than you’re used to? It’s a signal that you’re ripping the lining of your anus. You don’t feel it when you’re on drugs or alcohol because they distort or dull the senses. You may be causing unnoticeable but very real internal bleeding. And God help you if you’re getting fucked without a rubber in that kind of circumstance. You might as well phone your doctor and ask him when you should start the meds.
I never “recommend” that people use or not use drugs. What I recommend is that if you choose to use them, use them wisely. Using them to get a bigger dick up your ass is not using them wisely. It is, as I’m fond of saying, falling off the stupid tree and hitting every branch on the way down.
As far as why you only like getting fucked when you’re on drugs, I’d take a hard look at the labels you used and the sneering way you used them. It’s obvious that you have some deep-seated issues about getting penetrated. The marijuana puts you in just enough of a fog to drop your defenses.
Usually, it’s a fear of losing your masculinity by doing something associated with women - getting penetrated by a penis. It’s a form of passivity that scares macho guys to the core. Let’s face it, the worst thing you can call a guy isn’t “fag.” It’s “girl.”
How do you get over it? The same way you get over anything - you do it till it doesn’t bother you anymore. It’s called desensitization. For you, that means putting yourself in uncomfortable but not panic-provoking situations - like bottoming without drugs. Eventually, you’ll master the anxieties you have about losing your masculinity.
There’s a famous film that sex therapists-in-training watch to understand the power of desensitization. A guy who’s extremely uncomfortable with saying dirty words is given a sheet of paper filled with the kind of words my editor yells whenever he sees me. He (the guy in the film, not my editor) starts off blushing and stammering. For 20 minutes, he keeps saying the words and at the end of the film, you can see that he’s become completely comfortable. “Dirty words” had no power over him anymore. They were just syllables strung together in a certain way.
So, my advice to you is, desensitize yourself. Force yourself to bottom without drugs. In fact, make like a pizza--get pounded into dough and tossed up high. A LOT. To the point where the meaning you’ve associated with bottoming disappears. You’re like the guy in the film-- only you’re uncomfortable with bottoming, not dirty words. Once you understand that you don’t lose your manhood when you bottom, your need for drugs will disappear.
~ ~
Question:
My dick goes soft when a guy is fucking me. Is that normal? I enjoy being a bottom when there’s chemistry between us. I like having the guy I’m attracted to inside of me, giving him the pleasure of my ass. So why do I lose my erection when it feels so good?
-- Tentative Bottom
Dear Tentative:
Anal stimulation doesn’t always lead to penile erections. Even in “Pizza Porn” - you know, where guys get pounded into dough and tossed up high - a lot of them don’t get hard.
Surrendering yourself to another man often gives more psychic than sexual pleasure. Of course, there’s always the possibility that since you only do it with guys you really like, your body subconsciously protects you from the possibility of emotional pain by keeping you soft. It lowers the intensity of your feelings and ultimately your attachment to the prick that’s going to run out the door as soon as he’s done with you. I mean, the sweet potential husband who’s making love to you. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the two, you know.