Fifty ‘Odd’ Poems
By Neil Davies
SMASHWORDS EDITION.
Published by
Neil Davies
Copyright 2011
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Father Christmas knows my daddy
To see ourselves as others see us.
Physiotherapist and the light bulb
How to call a Call acall centre
Don’t make me go to school today.
Oh Mam fach, don’t feel well.
Look at my complexion,
I’m burning up, look can’t you tell?
Don’t make me go to school today,
my pulse is much too quick.
My stomach’s doing somersaults,
I think I’may be sick.
Don’t make me go to school today
I really hate it there,
The children all ignore me.
It’s as if I’m just not there
Don’t make me go to school today,
I hate the thngs they say
‘Four eyes’ ‘Specky twat’ and worse
Teachers are cruel today.
Don’t make me go to school today
They’re all mad, they just don’t care
They put chewing gum on all my seats
And flick boogers in my hair
Don’t make me go to school today
I hate it, it’s not funny,
yesterday the school bully
made me ‘eat’ my ‘dinner’ money
You have to go to school today.
It won’t be a disaster,
Stand up to them don’t let them win.
It’s your first day…… as headmaster
On Britain’s got talent,
I watched Susan Boyle sing
‘I dreamed a dream’.
Now here is the thing.
I may look big and tough,
but deep down inside,
I 'm a real big softy
I admit it, I cried .
I sat there in silence,
not wanting to show
how much it had moved me,
but what do you know.
My granddaughter Katie
aged around about three,
saw I was crying,
and came running to me.
'Gampa crying' she said,
and dropped her toy bear,
looked up at her Gampa
with a bright puzzled stare.
She patted my leg,
put her head on my knee ,
kissed my leg gently and
said softly to me,
Words worth more than money,
affect me still. Wow.
a three year olds love,
‘There, there all better now’
She went back to playing,
I felt better then as
felt the warmth of her love
as I smiled my tears dry.
I was stretched out on the sofa,
Katie toddled up to play,
Put a wet wipe on my face then
she turned and walked way.
I took the hint, I washed my face,
Each wrinkle, every crack.
I passed her back the wet wipe
she said Gampa, put it back.’
‘I’m giving you a facial’
said my granddaughter, aged 3.
‘Are you making Gampa beautiful?’
she said ‘yes’ and smiled at me.
I waited a few moments,
‘I must be gorgeous now, I bet’
She said ‘No, Grampa! put it back,
you’re not even pretty yet.’
‘How long until I’m beautiful?
I don’t like this lemony lime,’
‘Put it back please Gampa.
It’s gonna take a long, long time’.
My neighbour went to the doctor in her surgery yesterday
to complain about her sex life, or rather, lack of it these days.
Her husband can’t get it up at all, he doesn’t even try.
He just gets into bed, rolls over, farts and there he’ll lie.
‘Viagra’ said the doctor ‘has been a very good success
No side effects, it’s tasteless, no odour, and no mess
Just slip one in his coffee, and he will never know,
just wait for a few minutes. Tell me next time how it goes.’
She went to see the doctor, the very next day to tell,
‘Oh Doctor what a disaster! It didn’t go too well.
I slipped three in his coffee, then another three to be sure,
I relaxed and then I waited, as my patience limits poor.
The next thing then that happened, as a bent I over the table.
I felt a hand slide up my skirt as he started he was able!
Then he then ripped my undies off and took me from behind.
Then he took me on the floor, then again he changed his mind.
We tried seventeen positions in the next few minutes then,
As I started to recover and he tried another ten.
It was the best lovemaking session that I have ever had.’
‘What happened then?’ the doctor asked ‘to make you seem so sad?’
‘You remember all I told you, the positions and the times
This was just around 12.30, as the church bell softly chimed
I remember the embarrassment as we were escorted to the door
And now they will not let us in to Starbucks anymore.’
Mickey sat in the office
It had been a long day.
He’d said what he had to
and would soon be away.
The rat his solicitor,
listened closely, with care,
and then he relaxed
in his red leather chair.
He thought really slowly,
for quite a long while.
and paused, as if talking
had gone out of style.
He steepled his claws,
then he squeaked ‘Mr Mouse
I don’t think I can help you
to ‘un wed’ your spouse.’
No court in the land will,
it’s beyond my belief.
to ‘decree absolute’
As your wife has buck teeth’
Mickey groaned, out aloud.
In a voice quite aloof he
said ‘Not buck teeth you fool
I said ‘she’s fucking Goofy’
Father Christmas knows my Daddy.
It was late November years ago
with my daughter, Kaz I strolled,
we ambled past our Barclays bank,
the weather rather cold.
The Lions club had Santa’s sled
parked outside for all to see.
Raising money for good causes,
the odd charity or three.
This year’s Santa ‘Eric Firth’
an am dram mate of mine,
who had his real, fine beard,
talcumed up and looking fine.
He was really into character,
‘HO! HO! HO!’ to all, he'd greet
every passerby that day
then he saw me across the street.
‘Hey Neil, come on over mate
and have a little chat’
Kaz gripped my hand then really tight.
we crossed over, down we sat.
‘Have you been good this year?’ he asked
‘On my nice, not naughty list?
‘Have you been a good girl?
and each night your Mummy kissed?’
Now Kaz stayed shyly quiet,
she just sat there, with a smile
stretched across from ear to ear.
Then after a little while,
We said good bye to Santa,
some money we both dropped.
into Santa’s charity bucket,
then all the quiet stopped.
‘He knows you daddy, he members you’
she said with great big smile.
‘He shouted ‘Neil’ across the street!’
Then, for quite a while,
she told everyone we met that day,
upon the road and street,
even total strangers.
She told everyone we’d meet.
She was buzzing with excitement,
as happy as could be,
Because Santa was on first name terms
with her very own daddy.
‘Father Christmas knows my daddy’
she told them one and all.
‘Father Christmas knows my daddy
I heard him when he call’
‘Father Christmas knows my daddy’
from the bottom to the top
Father Christmas knows my daddy ‘
I thought she'd never stop.
Season’s greetings to you all,
good will and tidings glad.
Kaz's Christmas message
‘FATHER CHRISTMAS KNOWS MY DAD’
A happy memory to cherish,
I’ve since had many more.
because at the time this happened,
she had just turned twenty four.
She was two really but it didn't rhyme.
A week before Christmas,
in the post office in town.
While sorting through the damaged mail,
a letter tumbled down.
While looking for an address,
the postman gave a sigh.
For what he read inside it,
made the gruff old postman cry.
‘Dear Santa’ wrote the little boy,
Please help me, if you can.
My daddy’s gone to heaven now.
so I’m the family man.
But as I’m only eight years old,
there’s not much that I’m able
to do to help my Mummy put
Food up on our table.
Yesterday my Mummy,
she lost her purse in town.
It had her Christmas savings in,
she’d saved one hundred pounds.
The purse, they found it empty,
no money left inside.
Mum broke down in tears.
Well, we both sat down and cried.
It’s coming up to Christmas,
our family’s coming down,
We’ve nothing in to feed them.
Mum’s depressed and feeling down.
Taking ‘happy pills’ she calls them.
They don’t work, she says they’re vile.
I don’t want toys for Christmas,
all I want is Mum to smile.
I know you don’t give money out,
can you, this once, ‘bend the rule’,
to help us this first Christmas,
without daddy, that is cool.’
The postman showed the letter
to his colleagues, and even though
Christmas skint, they had a whip round.
Not a single man said no.
Eighty pounds they got in total.
So they sent it off that day,
with a little note from ‘Santa’,
to make the young boys day.
A week into the New year
another letter came, they read.
It was from the little boy again.
And this is what it said.
Dear Santa for the money,
I don’t know what to say.
You really saved our Christmas.
My Mummy smiled all day.
Thank you dear Santa,
you came through in the end.
Now, forever and for always
you’ll have a lifelong friend.
I must say, dear Santa,
although you saved our day.
When I opened up the letter.
I think I ought to say.
Only eighty pounds was in it,
Santa I know you did your best.
Those thieving b******s in the post office
Must have pinched the ****in rest.
To see ourselves as others see us.
I’d never been that vain, I thought.
No George Clooney or Brad Pitt,
I wasn’t overly handsome
But then, no sack of shit.
I know I’m not that elegant,
I knew I couldn’t dance,
Not too much overweight, I thought.
Still, worth a second glance.
Now I have two lovely daughters,
Who don’t know how to lie,
Aged three and six both beautifully
innocent, too innocent to try.
They were talking in the lounge one day
Came up too me all sweet,
when Zoe asked me ‘Do you
frighten people on the street?’
When you walk towards them Dad
are they scared and run away?
‘Of course not my little darling
What a funny thing to say’
‘You always look so angry,’
‘You never seem to smile,
We’ve come to give you cuddles,
to cheer you up we’ll try.’
‘My darling girls’ I told them,
as their arms around me throw.
‘Inside my heart is full of smiles.
My face just doesn’t know.’
‘It’s what is inside that matters girls,
A fact that’s always true.
Whatever is written on my face.
Remember I love you xxxx’.
The best way to deal with cold callers,
this really works, I’ve tried it you see.
Just give it a go next time someone calls
during Eastenders, while you’re having your tea.
It’s a very simple idea you’ll find.
Works every time, if you try it you’ll see,
let them start on their spiel you’ll surely feel
It’s as easy as A, B then C.
Good evening I’m calling from ‘Blah blah’
Then continue, ‘How are you, I’m sure………..’
Before any more can be spoken.
Just say these few words and no more.
Wait a minute, right now I’m ready
I hope you don’t mind swearing?
Thank you very much for calling me
Now tell me slowly. What are you wearing?
John went to see a specialist,
as his stammer was very bad.
‘C-C-Can you help me Doctor’
said John so very sad.
I ‘m g-g etting married real s-soon
d-don’t want to emba-barras my new wife
b-by stammering my wedding vows
At the s-start of my new life
The specialist examined him.
very thoroughly, with great care.
‘The condition that you suffer from
is really very rare.
Your penis attached to your vocal chords
It’s been stuck on there since birth,
and you my friend I have to say
have quite a massive girth.
It would not be a problem
in a normal six-inch member
but yours weighs nearly twice as much
is what you must remember.
It’s pulling down really hard.
It makes you echo really bad.
The cure is trim nine inches off
You’ll still have ten, you lucky lad.
They did the op, it cured John
He returned later blushing red.
‘She’s left me doc, can you sew it back?