Find Happiness and a Life You Love
in a Changing World
Leah Cole
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2012 by Leah Cole.
All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, distributed or transmitted in any form by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), or otherwise be copied for public or private use other than for “fair use” as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews without the prior written permission of the above publisher of this book.
ebook edition.
Publisher’s
Cataloging-In-Publication Data
Cole, Leah.
The victor way : find happiness and a life you love
in a changing world / Leah Cole.
p. ; cm.
ISBN-13: 978-0-9844855-2-9
ISBN-10: 0-9844855-2-X
1. Self-actualization (Psychology) 2. Happiness. 3. Change (Psychology) 4. Self-help techniques. I. Title.
BF637.S4 C65 2011
158.1 2011960115
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Published by Orchid
Road
SAN: 859-5283
PO Box 70991, Richmond, Virginia
23255
http://www.orchidroad.com
Disclaimer
The author of this book
does not dispense medical advice. This book is intended to offer
general information to assist you in your journey to your well–being.
If you choose to use any information in this book for yourself, the
author and publisher assume no responsibility for your actions. If
you have a medical condition, please consult the advice of a
physician.
With love and gratitude, I dedicate this book to my family.
Thank you for your
gifts of love and laughter. The joy, passion and compassion you live
with makes every day brighter.
Acknowledgements
The Victor Way was not created through a single person: I was inspired, guided and supported by a community. These people acted as nurturers, teachers and guardian angels. They have enhanced my life, contributing to my story of victory that has taken on a life of its own, and I am grateful to them for the role that they had in bringing this book to life.
Specifically, I express my deep gratitude to: all the writers, sages and teachers who shared messages of love; all my soul sisters and brothers who shared laughter and tears with me; my clients for their support, trust and interest; Laura Jurman who started my path to physical healing; Christen McCormack who guided and nurtured my path to emotional healing; Karen Madison and Beth Goldstein whose healing gifts restored music and joy to my life; the Rehoboth crew who inspired and danced with me; Hunter Flournoy who shared his journey, and his coaching and editing talents with me; and to my parents, Dianne and Garland Flournoy, whose integrity, love and sense of adventure taught me about making the most of the moment.
I also offer special thanks to my delightful and wise immediate family for walking lovingly with me day in and day out on this amazing journey, and to you, dear reader, for helping to bring this story to the world.
A Special Message for Those in Pain
The suffering you feel doesn’t have to last forever. Your choice to live the victor way can bring you joy beyond what you may imagine to be possible. Choosing to create good things in the face of tough times is brave and I want you to know that I care about you and your journey.
Your situation may have brought you to an unexpected fork in the path of your life. You may feel that you have no way to move forward because you can no longer continue living as you once did. You may wish that life could go back to the way it was or you may feel like your life is over. You may be dying or even wish that you were, but you are not dead yet. You are reading this book, which means that you are alive. Your heart is beating with life’s ancient rhythm, inviting you to embrace this moment.
Your experience may be rocking the foundation of all that you hold to be true and meaningful, but please do not be afraid. You are not alone. There is great wisdom and growth to be gained through this situation, and you can choose to linger in the sad story that has befallen you or to step beyond it and find joy and fulfillment. If you choose to reclaim your power as a victor in your own life, I can help you do it.
Each of us has unique life experiences that bring us to forks in the road. We all have stories to tell. While I once suffered and told stories about how hard my life was, now I can cope when something tough comes my way. I have tools to help me move through dramas and traumas with ease, joy and gratitude. My life has become beautiful and I have embraced the world around me as a teacher. The story I choose to tell about my experiences is now one of healing and renewal. Yours can be, too.
I believe in you. Your life is unique in every way; you have special gifts to bring the world that only you can give. You may not know the ways that you are exceptional, but you are. No matter what your life circumstance, you matter.
By embarking on your victor way, you are beginning a journey to your True Self. You are embracing the brilliant spark of life that is you and allowing yourself to live more fully in this moment.
I wish you every joy
and success as you create your victor way.
Much love,
Leah
Cole
Introduction
The Victor Way can help you find and embrace your personal power. It’s a tool to build your joy and fulfillment in the midst of a changing world. Although life may bring circumstances beyond our control, there is no need to be a victim to anyone or any circumstance. Instead, you can use the changes forced by life events to live fully in your power. Change is a catalyst for creating new choices, and every choice you make is a building block for your life. Your intent to create a life you love while you make choices is your power.
When I was young, I rarely thought about my own victim mentality, making choices or about my intent. To me, living in my power meant that I played by the rules. I ventured into the world thinking that I should behave like a well–reared southern girl and always be sunshine and sweetness to those I encountered. As I met new people, I started to question this and other practices of good manners and etiquette. I saw that I was being considerate to everyone but myself. I noticed that I was losing my sense of humor and my sense of self. I felt more and more anger. When asked what I wanted, I had no answers.
I didn’t know who I was anymore, so I left the south to find out. I went from place to place and I encountered holy people, hell–raisers and everything in between. I saw plants, animals and landscapes that looked like 1960’s science fiction props. It was amazing and wonderful. Eventually, I traveled around the globe and met all sorts of people, learning a bit about their passions, their pleasures and their pains. I saw that we all had different ways of being in the world. There were no two people exactly alike—yet we all loved, we all hoped, and many of us felt like victims.
As someone not in my power, I thought that everyone on this planet was a victim to someone or something. That illusion started to break down, though, when I noticed that a few special people did not get rattled by bad stuff happening to or around them. They acted as if nothing was wrong and they appeared to be genuinely content with their lives. I thought that they were faking until experience proved me wrong and I asked myself, “If they are not victims, what are they?”
Now, more than a decade later, I have found an answer. Well, actually it’s more than an answer; it’s a revelation, an inspiration, a miracle. I now know that I never have to be a victim again—and neither do you. You can be a victor!
Do you believe me? Well, if you do (or are curious), please read on. Learning how to live in your power is an experience like no other. It can awaken vitality that you may not even know you had and it can bring peace to your life. I created this book to share the goodness that these lessons have brought me.
I wrote and rewrote this book for a couple of years before I was ready to publish it. My first draft took about nine months to complete. As I tightened up the manuscript, I began to notice similar books on the self–help shelves of bookstores and wondered why I had been called to write The Victor Way if others might have already filled that need. I asked others and they shared their feedback that The Victor Way was unique because it tells how I found my own victor way, the challenges I faced, the tools I discovered, and the victory I won. It shows that creating a life you love is possible, and it genuinely helps you discover your own victor way.
Although the journey to fulfillment may lead humans to similar realizations, we follow our own paths to get there. This book honors that your experience is one of a kind. When you are done reading this book, I don’t want you to be focused on how great I am—I want you to focus on how great you and your life are. In the pages that follow, you will find tools and techniques that will help strengthen the victor within you. With this book as a resource, you can discover your own truths, your own victor way.
You and the world
around you are changing, but you don’t have to be afraid. By
embodying your victor way, you can embrace changes as the
opportunities that they are. Every moment of your life can become
your teacher and with each lesson you can grow to move through
challenges and changes with increasing grace, ease and gratitude.
Somewhere in America there is a growing boy trying to play superhero in his favorite old jeans. His jeans are too small for his changing body and he can’t stay focused on feeling super. He begins to whimper, “Mommy my pants hurt! They make me sore and give me a wedgie.” His mom suggests that he put on new, bigger jeans, but the child only wants his old jeans. The next thing you know, those favorite old jeans split up the backside and that boy wails, “Why? Mommy Why? It’s not fair!” The mother cuddles him and strokes his hair while he cries. Once his tears slow, the mom brings him that pair of big–boy jeans she offered him earlier. She patiently helps him into them one leg at a time. His feet keep missing the leg holes because he’s caught up in the sound of his sobbing. When he’s all zipped and buttoned up, she smoothes his collar, kisses his head and points him back to his play. He hobbles away and the tears stop. He plays superhero all afternoon and doesn’t even notice what kind of pants he’s wearing because he’s so comfortable.
We all feel like that wedgie–inflicted kid from time to time, and that’s part of being human. Having feelings and honoring them is good—and so is letting go of what no longer serves you. It may feel tough to let go of the past, but know that a better way is waiting to embrace you.
Your choice to read The Victor Way is the beginning of a wonderful adventure to enhance your experience of life as your own beautiful creation.
I hope this book brings you at least as much joy, love, and laughter as writing it has brought me.
How to Use This Book
Finding and practicing your victor way can be an amazing experience. Your journey can go at your own pace. There is no punishment for taking it slow and there is no prize for finding your victor way faster or better than someone else. Your path is unique to you.
To get the maximum benefit from this book, I suggest that you fully complete each chapter and any relevant exercises and visualizations before you move on to the next chapter. That gives time for your new ways of being to settle in.
The exercises and visualizations offered in this book are handy for people at any stage in their journey. I return to these over and over again and am always amazed at how much good comes from doing them! In the book, I separate the exercises from the visualizations because the visualizations are intended to be meditative and done in stillness whereas the exercises are generally intended to require physical activity.
Only do those activities that resonate with you—they are intended to empower you, not boss you around!
When practicing the visualizations in this book, some people find it helpful to make a recording of themselves reading the visualizations. That gives them time to pause in the places that are most meaningful to them. If you prefer audio versions of me guiding these visualizations, visit www.thevictorway.com where they are available for purchase and download.
Please note that nothing in this book is intended to suggest or encourage any particular religion. The Victor Way can be used as a tool by followers of any number of faiths and is not meant to challenge others’ religious beliefs in any way. It does reference the presence of a greater and wiser intelligence than our thinking minds. I call it Divinity in a gesture of neutrality and invite you to call that greater intelligence whatever you like.
The Phoenix Begins Her Journey
Long ago, a beautiful morning was born. The rising sun shone like gold lit from the inside. A majestic rainbow–colored bird, a phoenix, saw the sunrise and thought that the sun was a seed and that any seed that glowed so brightly must be very delicious. The bird chose to fly across the desert to eat it.
The bird flew and daydreamed about what the seed would taste like. She dreamed of the seed shining inside her just the way it glowed in the sky. The bird flew until the afternoon sun became too hot, and the bird rested behind a dune’s shade, pecking bitterly at the sand to feed her hunger. The desert was moved by the bird’s hunger and silently brought the phoenix seeds and water, but the bird did not notice the gift, for she thought only of the sun seed.
On the second day, the bird’s hunger for the sun seed grew and she flew faster and stronger towards the morning sun. In her rush, the phoenix flew past many wondrous sites and delicious dinners. When the sun became too strong and the phoenix became too tired, she landed in a desolate patch of desert. The phoenix could find no seeds to eat or water to drink. She spread her wings and offered herself to feed the desert. The desert loved the phoenix and cried as it saw her pain, feeding the phoenix with its tears...
Seeing The Life You Have
Whenever I set out on a journey, my first step is to confirm where I am. That way I can put my “I am here” sticker on a map and start planning my course. That’s what we are going to do for you now—figure out exactly where you are, so you can start creating your victor way.
My Old Story
Fifteen years ago, I walked around with a definition of myself stapled to my forehead. I believed that I was my resume. I judged my appearance and my accomplishments as a measure of my worth.
As you might guess, I eventually noticed that skin–deep value indicators get worn away by living. I witnessed financial ruin, illness and death that paid no heed to power, status or age. I saw how precious and fragile life is and I wanted to live more than skin–deep. I did not let go of how I judged myself, but at least I had stopped judging others a little bit. I quit my job and traveled the world in search of greater fulfillment.
A few years later I settled down and gave birth to a child, but I still did not feel fulfilled. I wasn’t happy with either my worn body or my story, “I’m a jobless, full–time mom,” so I felt compelled to add, “I’m taking a few years off to have kids.” It felt like an excuse and the longer I was a mother, the more pathetic it sounded. I found the story of “full–time mom” to be ungratifying partly because of others’ comments. My non–mom friends picked on me, suggesting that I lounged around the pool all day with martinis. They didn’t recognize the baby poo smeared on my forehead or those telltale bags under my eyes.
To feel better, I shifted my story into a series of comedies about my adventures as a hesitant housewife: of seeing a mouse running across the floor and sucking it into the vacuum hose (it got stuck); of wearing chain–sawing headphones to survive colicky babies; of being blissfully unaware that my breastfeeding infant was displaying my breasts at a shopping mall; of wearing trendy jeans to meet a new friend unaware that underwear was dangling from a back pocket; of every amusing circumstance that befell me in those early motherhood years. The tales engaged and amused others, yet I felt like a half–wit and couldn’t squelch my discontent.
I even tried wearing mis–matched socks and silly shoes to feel more alive but behind my colorful exterior, I was still struggling painfully with low self–esteem. I felt that I had turned myself into a clown, not a colorful and secure woman. I loved having people smile when they saw me and I made many friends; however, I thought they didn’t really like me because I still didn’t like me.
I kept trying and hoping for a way to embrace myself again. I continued wearing bright colors as inspiration to take life lightly and decided to give my housewife story a face–lift. I figured that if I did enough and was good enough maybe I would feel like I was worth something. I took on harder and more difficult tasks to build myself up.
I became a full–time mom who also renovated full–time. I dug and hammered, used drills and saws, and even used heavy machinery to push down trees and grade land. I told that story for a while. Others were intrigued and some were even impressed, but I still felt awful. I wrote a renovation guide and a novel, and guess what, I still felt awful. I worked for my spouse and I still felt awful. I started a business to fulfill a childhood dream and I still felt awful. In a final fit of desperation, I did all of them at once and even threw in some web consulting and volunteering. I had every minute of my waking day carefully orchestrated and ran it like a well–oiled machine, but you know what? I still felt awful. No matter what I did to make the story feel better, it was still a story and my self–worth was still awful.
So, in my awful feeling state, did I give up? Nope. I flailed like a bird thrown into a river and my survival instinct kept me flapping for the shore.
Chapter 1
Ways of Living
My parents wanted to expose my brother and me to as much of the world as possible when we were growing up, so we piled into whatever car we had and drove as far as we could in two weeks. Over the years we traveled across most of the United States, which was vast and wonderful, but two gangly teens sharing the back seat of a car for thirty–six hours straight was hard. Even though we wanted to behave, we did not. We pushed, shoved, poked and irritated each other endlessly. By the end of the two weeks, regardless of the fantastic places we had been, I felt grumpy and foul.
On the last day of the last of these vacations, I sat bolt upright in my seat and refused to be comfortable or enjoy myself, I brooded over my ill–fortune of being fourteen and stuck in a car with family for vacation instead of swooning in the arms of a dreamy teen. Then, out of the blue one of my parents said something profound to me. It wasn’t the ”you don’t know how lucky you are” talk that I was expecting, it was much more meaningful.
One of them dismissively said, ”If you practice smiling, eventually you will feel happy.” I was so miserable that I would have tried anything to feel better, so I smiled. I made myself smile for twelve hours straight. Amazingly, by the end of the day, I was enjoying myself.
My parents’ suggestion had opened the door to my awareness about the choice between being a victim or a victor. I could choose to fester in my grumpy stories, or I could smile and enjoy the good parts of the ride. I did not recognize it at the time, but this was one of my first conscious experiences of choosing to live as a victor.
If you turn on your radio or television and listen to the world news, what do you hear? Maybe you hear second–hand stories about events involving people you don’t know. That’s what billions of people around the globe are told to listen to every day in the name of “awareness.” We are told lots of stories about events we didn’t experience for ourselves and are left to figure out what’s true and what’s hype. What do you feel when you hear the news? Do you feel empowered to make a difference or insignificant and helpless? Do you believe that these stories are completely true?
Quite often the stories we hear are hearsay and gossip. In every event, there are the participants (who each have their own versions of what happened), the witnesses (who each have their own versions of what happened), and the chain of people who spread and enhance those stories about the event.
Consider this as an example. Let’s pretend that Bobby kisses Susie’s cheek. Julie saw it happen. Each of these three people interprets the event based on their own life experiences and their own points of view, so three different versions of what happened are floating around. Each of these people might swear that their version is true because they lived it.
Now, let’s say that Julie tells fifteen other people. This creates eighteen possible versions of the story. The story continues to spread and by the time the story loses steam, ninety people (aged from six to seventy) have heard about the event and they each believe that their own version of the story (ranging from Bobby burped on Susie to Bobby asked her to marry him).
So how do you know which version of the story is true? By the time the story gets told to ninety people, Bobby and Susie may not actually remember what really happened anymore. They just believe one of the many stories floating around about them.
How does anyone know whether a story is true? We don’t—that’s my point! Every experience is only real while it’s happening. After that it becomes a story, a tale told or forgotten, history. To everyone who hears about the event, it’s just a story and the only things about it that are real are the feeling responses it generates inside us and what we choose to believe as a result. Sometimes our minds listen to stories and internalize them as truth. When we do that, these stories can become building blocks of our belief systems.
Do you believe anything about yourself that makes you feel sad? Consider the possibility that all the bad stuff you believe is based on stories and not what you are now. What you believe about yourself is like the tinting on your window to the world; it can make your experience of life seem rosy or black.
What would happen if you stopped believing all of the bad stuff? You could choose to find new bad stuff to believe about yourself or you could choose to follow your victor way. You have a choice.
Victim No Longer
We can spend our lives feeling beaten down. We can believe that life happens to us and that we have limited say in our lives. We can behave like powerless victims to the world we live in; responding to life experience in a reactive and defensive way. But we don’t have to do any of these things! If we notice that living in the victim way is uncomfortable, we can either hide from the outside world or choose to embrace an easier way of being. Ignoring the world around us does not usually work in our modern culture. Eventually, the world (be it nature or man) comes knocking and we have no choice but to interact. To me, the only viable option is to move to an easier way of being. This may sound like a no brainer, yet we often resist because we have to take a leap of faith and let go of what we know—let go of the victim way.
I spent a lot of time feeling stuck in my victim way. I knew that I wanted something better, but I did not know how to get it. Thanks to some amazingly wise teachers and persistence, I now live a happier life. I have found my victor way and you can, too.
Chapter 2
Breaking Free of Victim Mentality
When I was little, if I stepped in dog poo, it was someone else’s fault. If I failed it was because of someone else. In fact, most anything wrong in my life was someone else’s fault. Even when nobody was nearby to blame, I could dig deep and find someone, somewhere who caused my problems. My life story sounded like a TV soap opera and I spent a lot of energy focusing on “poor me.” I didn’t like myself, because I believed no one else did, and I did not like the world that I thought was rejecting me. I believed I was a genuine victim, powerless in my relationships with everything and everyone around me, destined to either be squashed by life or to fight for survival. I acted like the phoenix that was so focused on her stories that she couldn’t see the goodness all around her.
People at any age can find life–destroying victim stories to tell about themselves if they choose to. My most dramatic one was about a being a passenger in an open–top rental jeep in Thailand. During a deep black night, we were driving home to our room in the jungle and we encountered a wildfire spreading across a vast grassy slope. We stopped the jeep to figure out if anything needed to be done and we were mesmerized by the beautiful red glow. As we lingered at the top of a hill, the air bled from the brakes. When we started down the winding dirt cliff–side track, the brakes failed. We made it as far as a rickety wooden bridge and the jeep flew off and crashed into a jungle ravine. I was thrown from the jeep and experienced temporary paralysis of my legs. At the hospital, the nurses couldn’t hear my calls for help during the night, leaving me humiliated the next morning as I attempted to apologize in Thai for my body’s behavior. The obvious injuries healed over the following months and I held onto what was left for years. I used the story and my lingering pain to justify my anger, judgment, and victim mentality. I invested a lot of my time and energy in shutting myself off from others and festering in the painful memories.
A whole decade passed before I was able to fully embrace the gifts of that time and let go of my righteous indignation. Over the years, I noticed that righteous indignation only shows up in people when they avoid seeing the whole truth—such as any facts that challenge their story about an event. When I saw my own righteous indignation, I replayed the events related to the accident in my head and I remembered a beautiful part of the story.
After the accident, a local man carried me to safety (I still remember the caring look in his eyes) and another drove us to the hospital. Many other locals and travelers came to see me in hospital (which was a long distance away and a lot of trouble to get to), bringing me flowers and pastries and keeping me company. So much love and care surrounded me for months.
Finally, a decade later, I was able to receive and really feel all that love. I was awed by the goodness and compassion of those kind people and I wondered why I had chosen to give so much time and energy to the sad story rather than the loving story.
I wasn’t sure what needed to change in order for me to remember more of the good stuff, but I knew that I wanted to change. I had heard wise people say that setting one’s intent is the first step in any journey, so I set mine to love every moment of my life. I realized that my life was mine and that my choices created it. I learned that if I took responsibility for my choices, I could break my victim pattern.
People might feel like victims for any number of reasons: we might be born into an awkward life circumstance such as poverty or family dysfunction; we might experience a traumatic event or illness; we might feel rejected or alone; the list could go on and on. Just about any feeling or experience can be used to feed a victim mentality.
The victim experience is not reserved for losers, deadbeats and doormats. It’s a state of mind that most everyone experiences from time to time. Even people who live the victor way can occasionally feel like victims. When we meet new life challenges, our natural instincts can lead us to run or hide until we remember that we are victors who can use the power of choice to address the changes.