Top Jokes

By

Atiq Rehman

Copyright © Atiq Rehman 2011

Smashwords Edition

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

All material contained in this book is in the public domain.

All rights reserved.

Introduction

The following is a compilation of jokes obtained from various sources including the odd original one from myself thrown in to the mix. All are available in the public domain and I have tried to simply filter out and get just the funnier ones. I hope you enjoy them.

I wanted to avoid just compiling a huge book of jokes that looks good but it full of some really bad ones that make you want to moan, groan and basically throw the book in the bin.

What I have here is some of the best out there and it has been tried and tested on friends and family so hopefully you will love it too. Smile and Enjoy!

Warning – there are a couple of jokes scattered in here that are really not for young children.

Chapter 1 – Vehicle Related Jokes

Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired

A rental car is the only true all-terrain vehicle.

What do you call a guy who misses ten car payments?

A pedestrian

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a homeless man who was desperate to find some work.

"Can you paint?" she asked.

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter"

"Well, there's a large can of green paint and a brush out back, and a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."

An hour later the man knocks on the door.

"All finished!", he says smiling.

"Did you do a good job?" she asks,

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you, that's not a Porsche back there ... it's a Mercedes!"

What do you call a car that turns left when you steer right, & vice-versa?

A Dyslexus

A man pushes his car into a gas station. He tells the mechanic, "It died."

After working on the car for a few minutes it runs nicely and idles smoothly.

The man asks, "What's the story?"

The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

The man thinks for a moment and then asks "How often do I have to do that?"

A penguin is on holiday in a hot country when he notices that his oil-pressure light is on. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the mechanic.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in a hot climate, decides that something cold would be nice. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting. Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

The following is from a written driving test:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the trooper said.

With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

Chapter 2 – Insurance Claims

The following are statements from insurance claims forms from various countries. You may have heard some before but I have thinned it out a bit to ensure only the best are used.

The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.