The Breakup Workbook: A Common Sense
Guide to Getting Over Your Ex.
Copyright © 2011 by BHG Books. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing by the publisher. For detailed contact information visit BrokenHeartedGirl.com.
ISBN 13-Digit: 978-1-4661-5848-1
Published in the United States.
Smashwords Edition
License Notes: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
For Kristy, Maricar, Cynthia and Christina. And for Jim P., who was there from the beginning. Thanks for always believing in me.
Table of Contents
Exercise 1: Throw Your Own Pity Party
Exercise 2: Realize that Love Hurts
Exercise 3: Write the Future that Will Never Be
Exercise 4: Question Your Relationship
Exercise 5: Avoid, avoid, avoid. Repeat
Exercise 6: Deal with His “Stuff”
Exercise 7: Make Your Place Your Own Again
Exercise 8: Perform Daily Maintenance
Exercise 9: Make an Upbeat Playlist
Exercise 10: Drive by the Past
Exercise 11: Write a Letter to Your Ex
Exercise 12: Take a Relaxing Bath
Exercise 15: Request a Face-to-Face
Exercise 16: Meet Face-to-Face
Exercise 17: Learn from the Past
Exercise 18: Seek Help if You Need It
Exercise 19: Repair Your Self Esteem
Exercise 20: 10 Things You Hate About Him
Exercise 21: Unleash Your Evil Thoughts
Exercise 22: Create Small Goals
Exercise 24: Have a Slumber Party
Exercise 25: Dispose of His Stuff
Exercise 29: Write Your Own Happily Ever After
Exercise 30: Judge the Men You Choose to Date
Exercise 32: Get Out of the House
Exercise 33: Learn to Trust Again
Introduction.
I’ll never forget the day that I decided to write this book. I was reeling from a breakup with my most recent boyfriend. I had been crying for days at a time, not eating and basically beating myself up mentally. I had finally gotten up the energy — relying mostly on reserves — to run some errands, and just when I was starting to feel a little bit “normal,” it happened: I ran into another man (jerk) I used to date at the grocery store.
We had an awkward conversation at best and only because he approached me. He asked how I was doing and if I was dating someone — well you know how it goes. When I told him that I wasn’t seeing anyone, he asked me out on a date. This invitation was coming from a man whose last words to me were, “You are a great girl. I love hanging out with you. But you’re not girlfriend material.”
I asked him if his opinion had changed. His retort was, “No, but I’d still love to hang out with you again.”
Nice.
I left the store that day feeling two things. One, I felt as if I wasn’t good enough to be someone’s girlfriend. Two, I felt like a piece of meat. How many times had men told me that I was pretty and cool, but not a “long-term prospect?”
Too many.
I figured that I needed some sound advice to get out of my funk. It was everything I could do to get myself out of bed and run errands — let alone show up to work on time. And so, after throwing a major fit in the car and cursing all men, I drove to the bookstore in hopes of finding a plan to get over my breakup and boost my self-esteem in the process.
I stumbled into the “self-help” section, half-blinded by tears, and looked around. I was just a bit paranoid that someone I knew would see me, so I grabbed a couple of books that looked promising and went to another part of the store. There, hidden amongst the stacks in the sci-fi section, I began to read.
I was sorely disappointed with what I found.
One book told me that I should just get over it. Another book promised that it would tell me the secret to getting over a guy within 7 days (yeah, right!). Still another told me how “fabulous” I was and as a “super, sexy fox of a woman” (or something as ridiculously descriptive), it wouldn’t take me long to find someone else, therefore I should start flirting immediately.
Right. I felt about as beautiful as a sack of potatoes.
While I appreciated the encouragement that these authors provided, I felt like it wasn’t enough. I mean, really, who cares about the advice a celebrity gives? How hard could their lives possibly be? All bills paid; all eyes on them; the ability to step out on the sidewalk and literally point to someone that will be more than happy to take them out that evening. What made them qualified to dole out advice? And who the hell uses the words “fabulous” or “super fox” in everyday conversation? I know that I don’t.
Maybe it’s a Hollywood thing?
In any case, while these books were entertaining, I knew that I would inevitably read them and just as quickly discard them. I’m the kind of person who needs to write things down and, without providing an actionable plan to get over my ex and conquer my self-esteem issues, these books would prove utterly useless.
I needed to find another way.
I drove home that day with purpose. If I couldn’t find a book that would help me, I would find a way to help myself. I would come up with my own actionable breakup blueprint. Then, using my writing background, I would turn the plan into a book to share with others. I was already deep in a hole of despair, so I felt that I was in the perfect state of mind to credibly write a book about digging myself out.
And so began The Breakup Workbook.
I commenced polling friends, family members and neighbors that very evening. I tried to find the secret “breakup remedy,” but as I suspected, it didn’t exist. I did, however, identify a recurring theme in all the advice I received — time heals all.
At this point, I knew two things: One, I wanted to write a book that contained an actual strategy to get over a breakup. Two, I wanted to write it in such a way that it would take a lot of time to work through. If time healed all, then I would need to give women — and myself — a constructive way to bide their time.
And so I wrote.
I wrote while getting over my ex. I wrote while I went to therapy. I wrote while I spent the holidays alone. I wrote and wrote until I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And eventually that light grew bigger and bigger until it enveloped my soul and mended my broken heart. I couldn’t believe it, but writing in this book and working through the exercises within it actually helped me.
I figured that the logical next step would be to test it on real live people. I didn’t want to write a book and just put it out into the world and hope for the best. That would be irresponsible and foolhardy. I wanted my book to help people. Hell, I wanted my book to be more than just a book. I wanted it to be an experience.
And so began BrokenHeartedGirl.com.
BrokenHeartedGirl.comwould be an interactive resource for the emotionally devastated, the forlorn, the desperate and the abandoned. I imagined that it would serve as an extension of The Breakup Workbook, with a support forum that would further encourage women to seek advice, talk about their breakups and genuinely get the most out of the experience.
Through the website, I actively sought feedback about the book. I incorporated a lot of ideas from women just like you into the narrative. And I crafted and honed it until I felt it was perfect.
This is the result.
People often wonder why I wrote the book from a “we” perspective. And I always say the same thing: The book, although written and put together by one person, is the culmination of ideas from many people — thousands of people. I wouldn’t have been able to write it without the help and support from website members and friends and family alike.
So while you read it and work through it, I want you to think about all of the people who helped forge this breakup plan. I want you to seek support and advice from the women on BrokenHeartedGirl.com. I want you to remember that you are not alone.
We are all here with you: wishing you well and holding your hand.
Take care,
M.J.
The
Breakup Workbook.
Getting dumped sucks!
There isn’t any other way to put it. Yesterday, you were so happy you could practically skip to work. Today, you don’t even know how to put one foot in front of the other. You thought that you were with a man that could be the one, the only — the answer to your prayers. Now you are only left with questions: How could this happen to you? How are you going to get through it? How will you ever move on from the man you loved?
Everyone who gets dumped asks these questions, but there’s no clear-cut answer. There’s no magical solution to heartache. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that it takes time. So we wrote the book that will help you sort through your feelings while you take the time to get over your ex. And when you’re finished with it, you should be able to understand why your ex wasn’t as great as you thought he was and you will be armed with a plan to seek out a healthy relationship in lieu of repeating old patterns.
Like everything in life, getting over someone is a process. You’ve probably heard that it’s similar to the grieving process - and it is. You’re going to experience a battery of emotions: remorse, denial, anger, depression, hysteria, and at times you may even believe that you’re going crazy. But to put it in perspective, getting dumped certainly isn’t as bad as if someone you love actually passes away. Right?
Understand that, like the grieving process, you’ll go from staring into space and bursting into tears to screaming at the top of your lungs and throwing things across the room. But invariably, all of these emotions are going to help you heal. So, no matter how silly or embarrassed you may feel, don’t push these fits of rage or crying away. Embrace these feelings! Do the amount of screaming, crying, and yelling that is right for you. You’ll know when the proper amount has been done, because you’ll start to feel better.
It could take weeks, or even months, but you will begin to feel better.
We’ll help you stay focused on recovery while you go through every emotion — from sadness and despair to eventual happiness. Staying the course and completing the exercises in this book could stop you from making phone calls to your ex at all hours, stalking him, or really doing something harmful to yourself.
We don’t promise that by the end of this book you will be 100% over your ex. That would be ridiculous and presumptuous. But we can promise that if you use this book as directed, you will:
• Perform intuitive writing tasks that will help you to understand your breakup from a new perspective.
• Learn how to deal with the stress and anger from your breakup in a healthy manner.
• Discover new ways to repair your self esteem.
• Perform avoidance tactics that will help you refrain from calling, emailing, IM-ing or texting your ex.
• Learn how to take back your space and make your home your own again.
• Realize that you can write your own happily-ever-after.
• Ultimately view your breakup in black and white, accept it, learn from it, and begin to move forward with your life.
You may believe that you are going to extremes at times. But this book will help you understand that your feelings are normal and it will serve as a healthy outlet for your grief.
It will also help you identify significant signs that the relationship wasn’t perfect.
Work through all of the exercises completely — even overdo them. We helped just a little bit in some cases by filling out sample exercises to help jumpstart your thought process. We want you to thoughtfully complete each exercise in order. You may be tempted to complete the entire book in one night, but we strongly suggest you take your time getting through it — otherwise the book won’t help and you’ll still be stuck in limbo .
Take solace in the knowledge that you will get over him. But until then, do the work necessary to find yourself again, so that when you heal, you can take everything that’s wonderful about you and put it into a new relationship.
Exercise
1: Throw your own pity party.
So you just purchased a breakup book and the first thing it says is to throw a party. You’re probably flipping back to the cover, wondering if you have the right book.
Don’t worry, you do.
It’s a party, but it’s not the kind with streamers and balloons (and if so, black balloons would be apropos). This is your party. Solo. You don’t have to put on a fake smile. You don’t have to get dressed up. And you don’t have to make sure that everyone else is having fun. Better yet, you don’t even have to send out invitations!
So what is a pity party exactly?
According to a post on Urban Dictionary, www.UrbanDictionary.com, a pity party is:
“A way of experiencing grief, in which you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself and whining endlessly about how crappy your life is.”
So why should you have one?
That’s easy! To experience the full, unadulterated, horrible feelings surrounding the abrupt end of your relationship! In other words, allow yourself to feel exactly how you felt the minute he dumped you. Recognize your grief and embrace it. Then unleash it.
So how do you have a pity party for one? Good question. Here are some ideas:
• Turn off all the lights and close the curtains to set a dark, ominous, doomsday-type mood.
• Remove all of the liquor bottles and/or beer from your cabinet and mix some drinks (if you’re of age, of course!). If you drink, don’t drive. • Cry. Every so often you can dramatically scream out, “Why me?” while shaking your fist in the air.
• Find every card he ever gave you and read them all out loud. If he has never given you a card, then curse him for never thinking that far ahead.
• Order take out: In fact, order the most fatty, tasty thing you can think of and eat it all without guilt.
• Read every text message from him (you know you have the sweet ones saved in your phone).
• Read every single email he ever sent you. If you’re feeling ambitious, print them out and then shred them.
• Listen to every sad song on your iPod and sing them out loud - even if your voice is horrible.
• Review all of the IM conversations you have ever had with him.
• Watch sappy movies where boys do crazy stuff that never happens in real life (like stopping a plane on the runway).
• Throw your pillows against the wall to release physical tension (be careful not to break anything).
Keep in mind that there is no pity-party timeframe. Some people have a pity party for hours and some will have one for days or weeks. Just allow yourself to cry until you can’t cry anymore. Don’t try to be strong or ignore the pain. We know so many women that skip this stage and end up suppressing their emotions, only to unleash them at the most inappropriate times. The last thing you want to do is break down during an important business meeting or presentation. Just allow yourself to have this one moment of weakness.
And when you’re ready and probably a little bit dehydrated, pour yourself a nice, tall glass of water and begin the next exercise.
“Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boist’rous; and it pricks like a thorn.” -William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet
Exercise
2: Realize that love hurts.
Hey, you’re hurting. It’s okay! You’ve just been told that you have to give up love “cold turkey” and it seems impossible to accept. And, unfortunately, for some people it can be. Love is like an addictive drug. When you don’t have it, you crave it. You feel you need it for survival. You don’t know how you can live without it (without him). And soon you’ll start having “the shakes.” This will come in the form of tears and anxiety.
Breathe.
While you go through this withdrawal period, subconsciously you’ll magnify his good qualities. In your head, you’ll build him up so much that you’ll honestly believe that you’ll never find another lover quite as good as he was. You’ll never meet someone who makes you laugh as hard as he did. You’ll never find someone as charming as he was. And you’ll never meet someone that meets and exceeds all of your expectations, as he did.
To you, he is a man on a pedestal. And you will prepare to worship him in the days ahead.
So let’s do the work to kick him off that pedestal.
Really, how great can he possibly be if he doesn’t realize how great you are?
To heal, you’re going to have to relive your relationship from the beginning. Although painful, these exercises will help you remember the good times and the bad. He is just a man who decided with or without your consent that he wanted to move on with his life. He is just a man — one man out of the thousands you could be dating.
Just one man. Remember that.