Step Parenting Getting It Right
By
Brenda Van Niekerk
SMASHWORDS EDITION
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Published by
Brenda Van Niekerk at Smashwords
Step Parenting Getting It Right
Copyright 2012 Brenda Van Niekerk
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Content
Stepfamilies or Blended Families Are the Norm Nowadays
Do Not Bad Mouth the Other Parent
Admit Mistakes to Your Children
Let the Children Approach You Don Not Push
Provide Privacy for the Children phone and otherwise
Do Not Ask About What Happens at the OTHER House
Do Not Try and Outdo Or One-up the Other Parent
Do Not Expect the Other Family to Do Things YOUR Way
Do Not Attempt to BUY the Kids Favor
Listen and Ask Questions MORE than Talk
Children should decide what name to use for you
Step Children and REAL Children should be treated as Equals
Do Not Expect Respect EARN Respect
Let the Natural Parent Administer the Discipline
Expect HOT and COLD Behavior from the Kids
Allow Your Spouse to Have Alone Time with His or Her Kids
Stepfamilies or Blended Families Are the Norm Nowadays
The statistics show that 65 percent of remarriages will include children from previous relationships
When families “blend” to create stepfamilies things rarely progress smoothly.
Some children may resist the many changes they face, while parents may become frustrated or disappointed when the new family doesn’t function like their previous family functioned.
Contrary to myth, stepfamilies have a high rate of success in raising healthy children. 80% of the kids grow up and turn out to be fine.
Being a parent to your own children isn't easy. Children aren't delivered with operating instructions or manuals. A parent's relationship with their son or daughter can change from day to day. There are no hard and fast rules to parenting.
Situations alter, and so do the individuals. It is highly unlikely to get a family who skates through life without at the very least a couple of relationship challenges.
Whether a relationship lives or dies largely depends on the individuals involved. What is seen to be an insurmountable relationship killer by one person, will just be a minor challenge to another individual.
Getting into a relationship with someone who has children means you've taken on a job lot. But there are no set rules about how involved you become with your partner's children. It will depend on whether they live with you, you have children of your own, if the other parent is still around and, most importantly, what you and your partner decide.
Parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world. Step parenting is a notch harder. It is difficult to be a stepparent, but it is also an immensely rewarding experience. Don’t expect overnight miracles, happy stepparent / child relationships take lots of time.
There are many children who have better relationships with their stepparents than they do with their own parents. Although you should always encourage them to see their biological parent, you can also play a large part of your stepchildren’s lives.
According to statistics it takes 5 to 7 years for a stepfamily to become a cohesive unit. Initially, everything is confusing —everybody is trying to understand each other and find their position in the group. It can be a difficult period for all concerned.
Blended families are particularly remarkable family units. It is the opportunity for parents to find love again, the chance for family members to build new friendships and even sibling-like relationships, and the opportunity for parents to connect with their children on a different level. Despite the potential for challenging days, it’s something that should be embraced.
The essential thing is that one needs to understand the differences between stepfamilies and first families
Stepfamilies are formed out of a loss from death or divorce thus resulting in the dissolution of the first family. Children regardless of their age could assume that their new stepfamily should be a re-creation of their first family.
The majority of children feel that their stepfamily should be exactly same as their original one. They have expectations, which a stepparent might discover hard to satisfy.
Do not expect stepfamilies to be like first marriage families. There are characteristics that make them different, that bring their own challenges and rewards. For example, they are formed after relationship changes and losses; adults and children already have ideas about how family life should run; they are at different places in their life. Parent-child relationships were established before the couple relationship was formed. There is a parent in another household and many children go between their two homes.
Teens are going to be a challenge whether you gave birth to them or not. Kids with natural parents get into trouble and step-teens get into trouble. Kids can be the sweetest, and then appear to turn ugly overnight. Chances are they are working through some big issues, you just happen to be one of them.
Many stepfamilies have to deal with conflict
The kids may not always get along. Finances can also be especially tough when parents are contributing to the expenses of two households.
A lot of the stepfamily stress may come from hard feelings that exist between the children’s mother and their stepmother, frequently over jealousy, petty disagreements, or unresolved emotions from a romantic relationship gone sour.
Stepfamilies are a gender trap with expectations about women's roles and responsibilities are at the root of many problems that develop in stepfamilies.
Instant love is a dangerous myth. Stepchildren and stepparents do not automatically love one another. Neither do stepsiblings nor children and step-grandparents.
It is essential for a step-grandparent not to undermine the parents' authority. There may be rules that a step-grandparent doesn't agree with, but respecting and listening to the parents will be more helpful than if they make rules of their own.
The key to redefining a family is to develop an identity as a group
Hobbies and interests encourage bonding between parents and sibling / stepsiblings. Whether it is rock collecting, traveling, or Sunday get-togethers, develop a unique identity for your group.
While changes to family structure require some adjustment time for everyone involved, with the right guidance and realistic expectations, most blended families are able to work out their growing pains and live together successfully. Open communication, positive attitudes, mutual respect, and plenty of love and patience all have an important place in creating a healthy blended family.
Points to Consider
1) Make sure you set clear roles and responsibilities with your partner. Communication is key. In any relationship, communicating is the single most important thing one can do.
As a new stepparent, make sure you and your spouse have discussed their comfort level with you taking the parental role. Lay down the expectations with them in the very beginning. Have a conversation and discuss with your spouse what you want as the stepparent. If that’s taking a role in disciplining the children, or having some alone time with them so that you can bond, make sure you talk to your spouse first. If the both of you are on the same page, then everything can fall in to place nicely.
2) Start out in neutral territory and move to a new home, if possible. You don’t have the physical reminders of the previous relationship and you can start all new family traditions and rituals that are important protective factors in the long-term. This may be hard, especially with the real estate market the way it is, but everyone needs to feel that the home they live in is where they belong. Otherwise, somebody is going to feel like a visitor, somebody is going to feel intruded upon, somebody is going to be resentful, somebody is going to feel like an outsider and your family will have difficulty blending.
3) Research suggests that stepmothers have a more difficult time in their role than stepfathers. Stepmothers who don't already have kids of their own can feel overwhelmed by the new responsibilities heaped upon them. Getting help from their partner and other friends and family at this stage is an extremely sensible solution. Lack of parental experience together with a few resentful stepchildren could be an extremely daunting experience for most people.
4) It is important to know that if a parent dies without making a will, stepchildren have no right to inherit unless the stepparent has adopted them. Any will that stipulates – “my assets go to my children” does not include stepchildren. Therefore if you are living in a stepfamily it is vital that your will makes clear that any assets go to the people who are important to you by naming stepchildren.
5) Many stepfathers take on a lot of responsibility; emotionally, practically and financially, but may feel they have no power and aren't appreciated. And if you have children of your own, you may spend less time with them than with your stepchildren, which can lead to feelings of guilt and resentment.
6) Seek family counselling when necessary. It’s good sense, not a sign of weakness or failure. Many insurance companies pay for this as long as there is a certified psychologist on staff at the counseling centre you choose. It might be once a week for a few months or once a month for a year, but it will be vital for a good, strong start to blending your families and learning about one another.
7) Be prepared for conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies within the step relationship. In the intact family, the couple comes together to have a child. The child is part of both parents, generally pulling the parents' energy together for the wellbeing of the child. In step, blood and sexual ties can polarize a family in opposite energies and directions.
8) Don’t try to mark occasions like your anniversary (the day your family became blended), which are important to you, but are not necessarily happy points in the child’s life. Sorry, but they may never acknowledge your anniversary, it’s actually a sad point in their lives.
9) Support your children's access to both biological parents. This removes them from being in the middle between their parents and feeling emotionally torn apart. There is enough love to go around, you don't have to ration love.
10) Maintain the privacy of the marital relationship. A solid stepfamily relationship is based on a strong marital relationship. Blending a family takes time and patience. Like any other family unit, however, it too can be healthy and strong.
11) All parents need to put the needs of their children at the top of their priorities, so stepparents need to be supportive and understanding when some of the household money is earmarked for regular child maintenance payments. While it can be hard to make ends meet when some of the family's income is set aside to help run another household, it cannot be avoided and should be looked upon as a fair and reasonable responsibility that simply must be shouldered.