The Struggle of Love
By Sharon D. Johnson
The Struggle of Love
Copyright © 2009 by Sharon D. Johnson
This is a work of nonfiction. It is an honest accounting of my life as I have been able to remember. However, all names have been changed.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the publisher.
This book is published by H.Y.P.D Publications, P.O. Box 6505, Greenville, SC 29606 www.hypdpubs.com
ISBN 978-0-9814826-4-4
To my loving daughters. Also to Carvin Davis, Ollie Mack, Betty Jones, Cynthia Watts, Diane Abney, Carl Barber, Thomasina Brown, Fannie Mack and Jackie Lewis. In remembrance of Ham Mack and Susie Hopkins. Thanks to each of you for your encouragement and support.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 1 -Love at First Sight
Chapter 4 -Beat Him at His Own Game
Chapter 13 -Sleeping with the Devil
Chapter 17 -What was I Thinking?
It is what it is…
For the confused woman who hurts from love
and can’t walk away.
For the woman who keeps
forgiving him and believing
every word he says.
For the woman who believes the man
over her own kid.
Not wanting to listen
to what he did.
For the woman who was afraid
to live life alone.
She accepts his “others” because he may get gone.
For the woman who works really hard
to pay the bills.
To have a man do nothing
but lay at home and chill.
But for this woman
who has had enough;
now realizes she don’t have to take man’s stuff.
And for this woman - Oh yes!
I’ve learned to listen to my kids
because he may have done what they said he did.
For this woman who’s been beaten by pain and
died in sorrow
now knows how to pray
and have hope for tomorrow.
And for this woman who works really hard to pay the bills.
Recognize the abuse
cause it is what it is…
by
Sharon D. Johnson
It was August 20, 1997, my daughter Sharell and I were out doing some last minute shopping and having so much fun. When we finished, she wanted me to drop her off to her boy-friend’s apartment. She was dating a really nice young man from Charleston, South Carolina named Steve. Because he had a job at a local plant, he moved and lived with some of his friends here in Columbia.
I have taken Sharell back and forth to Steve’s apartment a number of times before. But this time while I was sitting in the car, a tall, thick, dark-skinned, good looking brother approached the car. All I could see was his pretty pearly whites gleaming through the sexiest smile I’d ever seen. He immediately had my undivided attention and I thought to myself, “Who is this broth-er?”. Then Sharell came back out of the apartment laughing and introduced us. “Mom, this is one of the guys that works with Steve. Tim Hall Brooks, this is my mother, Cheryl.” He spoke in a deep sexy voice, “Hi Cheryl, how are you?”. I was so taken by the vision of this sexy man that I could hardly speak, but I managed to utter a “Hello.” This man looked at me like he could read my mind. Sharell reached in the car on the passenger side to get her purse, and then they both turned and walked off to the apartment. As I drove off, I could think of only one thing…“How could I get to know this man?”. I couldn’t get him off my mind or out of my head.
Oh, by the way, did I mention that I was married? Yes, married to Paul Mason. At that time Paul and I were having problems and we were not on the best terms. Also, I had two other daughters that were driving me crazy at the same time. “Maybe this new man is what I need to take some of this stress and pressure off me. It would be nice to have someone to talk to and spend time with; someone to hold me and tell me everything would be alright when I needed to hear it,” I said to myself.
Two weeks had gone by and I still couldn’t get this Tim person out of my head. This man had been on my mind like crazy. I didn’t want my daughter Sharell to know that her mother was looking at one of her friends and her man’s co-workers. There had to be a way I could ask him out without my daughter knowing. So when the kids came home from school, Sharell agreed to sit with them while I made my exit. I came up with the idea to just drive over to Tim’s apartment and just do the damn thing. “Please Lord, let Tim be there,” I cried out. But first, I had to find something to wear. I went through my closet to see what kind of hoochie outfit I could find without looking like I planned this date. I pulled out a pair of black Capri pants that fit my butt like a second layer of skin. The sister is blessed with a big butt. I was fine to have had three children. We all looked like sisters, except my baby girl, she was only five years old. So I started getting dressed. I put on the black Capri pants with a soft pink top to show some cleavage. My hair was going off with a slamming cut. My face was made up and the “smell good” was sensational. After looking in the mirror and seeing a dangerously sexy chick, I kissed my girls on the forehead and out the door I went. I got in my car and drove to the apartment.
As I pulled into the parking lot of the complex where he lived, I began to get cold feet. My mind stopped and my heart started racing fast as I parked my car. I had to give myself a talk. “Girl, pull it together,” I said. So I got out and took a deep breath. Then I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. When the door opened, it was the man who occupied all my thoughts for the past few weeks. . . . Tim. He looked like he knew just what I wanted and needed. “Could a brother be so bad, fine as hell and give a sister what she came for?” I wondered. If words could describe the look in his eyes when he opened the door, they would say, “He wanted to jump on top of me and make love to me all night long.” After gazing at him with the same thoughts, I snapped back to reality and slowly asked if Sharell was there knowing well Sharell was at home with the kids. “No, she’s not,” he said with a strong Charleston accent. I stood there for a few seconds not knowing what to say next, then Tim said, “You can come in if you want. She just called and said she’s on her way to meet Steve.”
When I walked in, I could feel his eyes trace every curve of my body. I sat down in the blue chair by the door and we started talking like we had known each other for years. And the funny thing was no one ever came to the apartment. Time passed so fast and it started getting dark. He asked if I could stay longer. I said, “Sure, what do you want to do?” He said since his friends were coming home soon, he thought we could go get a bite to eat. Before he could finish his statement, I was already looking for my cell phone to call Sharell to tell her that I would be home late and to tell Paul. Sharell said, “Okay Mom, drive safe,” and we hung up the phone. Tim asked if everything was alright and I said, “Yes,” And that’s when Steve walked in. I was sitting on the king-sized bed in Tim’s bedroom. Steve’s eyes were big with shock as he spoke, “Hi Cheryl.” “Hi Steve,” I said, with embarrassment, hoping Steve wouldn’t tell Sharell that I was busted by my soon to be son-in-law. “Are you ready? “Should we take your car?” Tim asked, walking toward the door. “Hell no! In fact, I need to move my car from in front of this apartment right now, I exclaimed. Tim suggested that I park around back and it was a good idea, so I did. Then he got Steve’s keys and we left.
We rode around town for a while and I was so relaxed it never crossed my mind that Paul, my husband, could be home waiting on me. We ended up at a hotel on the other side of town where we were sure not to run into anyone we knew. And with that, I knew I wasn’t going home at all that night. When we got to the room, we ordered room service. When the food came, Tim ate all of his food while I just played over mine. And it was strange, because I was falling in love with this man already. I told myself that if I made love to him tonight, that it could be over before it started. I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea about me and act like it was just a booty call. But the way I was feeling and the way I desired him, I had to take that chance. As the night progressed, we started watching TV and then we started watching each other, and the next thing you know, it was on. Tim held my body close to his and started kissing me. He ran his hands over every inch of my body. With each touch I wanted to call out his name and ask for more. My nature was in a state that it hadn’t been in for such a long time.
Tim started undressing me, and no, we did not have sex--we made love. Oh, yes! I knew then that he was feeling just what I was feeling. After making love, we both took a shower and I fell into a blissful sleep. The next morning I felt so good that not going home to my husband wasn’t even a factor. Of course we made love again before we left the room. It was about 6:00 A.M the next morning and I didn’t want to leave. When we arrived back to his apartment, he walked me around to the back where my car was parked and we started kissing again. Then he told me he wanted to see me later, and of course, I said, “o.k.” Afterwards, I left and went home feeling like I had hit the lottery.
When I came home, Paul was so full of rage that he didn’t say anything to me until the next day. While rushing to get the girls off for school, my mind was in outer space. I was on cloud nine. The two younger girls were gone and Paul and Sharell had left for work also. I was finally home alone. While doing the regular cooking and cleaning, I was looking at things in a new light because I knew I would see Tim later that day. I was counting the hours until I could see my sweet thing again. Tim got off of work at 4:00p.m. As I thought about him, my cell phone started to ring. “Hello baby! Are you o.k.?”. It was Tim. “Yes, I’m fine,” I stated. “Did you get in trouble with your man?”, he asked. “Everything is just fine,” I replied with a sexy smile. We talked for awhile and then I assured him we would see each other later. We hung up the phone and I continued with my daily duties. The next thing I knew the kids were coming through the door. Paul called and said he would be pulling a double shift which was good news for me. This meant I had plenty of time to spend with Tim.
I drove to Tim’s apartment like a magnet was pulling me there. When I arrived, he was standing outside. He opened the door on the passenger side of the car and sat down. I asked if he wanted to drive. I am a firm believer in a man driving the woman - wherever. He is the man, my new man and he could drive me anywhere he wanted. Although it was no surprise – we were going to THE HOTEL! It became our secret hide away from the rest of the world. It was so good to him that he paid for the room until Friday. I left the room late that night and went home to get a change of clothes. I could not believe that I was head over heels for this man who I had known for only two days. I was as happy as a child in the candy store. All of the guys on the work crew would leave on Friday night to go back to Charleston and return back to Columbia on Sunday to prepare for work Monday. It was just another Tuesday and I was hoping Friday would never come. Two months went by and Tim and I became really close. We couldn’t seem to get enough of each other. I loved this man more than life itself.
Every day was like a new chapter in my new life. If you’re wondering about my husband, he was still there. Paul continued to work double shifts, come home and slept by himself. The kids were doing fine; going to school and spending a lot of time with Sharell. Six months had now passed and we were in love more than ever. But there was one problem, we both had someone else. Even though I knew that Paul and I were done, the fact is that he was still living in our house.
Coming to my senses, I knew it was time for the children and me to find another place to live. It was over between us and I was gone. Our once happy home had turned into a lie and there was no reason to continue to stay. There were several times when Paul even tried to make it work, but my nose was open wider than the Grand Canyon. I was happy and I wasn’t going to give it up for him or anyone else. Then, I took a big step and moved into a three-bedroom condo in Columbia. This place had a pool, tennis court, and a club house. It was the bomb! I even got out there and got myself a gig. I wanted nothing from Paul. The night I moved out, Paul was at work. Tim and Steve came over and helped me move. I knew for sure that Tim loved me then, because if a man comes to move you out of another man’s house, that’s pretty bold, or he was just crazy for me. My heart pounded sometimes because during the move I almost felt like this was too good to be true; and what if Paul had come home early?
The condo was going off and the furniture was put where it needed to be. Everything was falling into place. The master bedroom had a full bath with a Jacuzzi in it. The bed was king-sized with four pillars around each corner. Nice and fluffy just like my man liked it. On February14, 1998 Tim started staying in the condo with the girls and myself. From Monday to Friday I had him all to myself, but on the weekends he went back to Charleston. I was having the time of my life. Life was complete now. I had the man of my dreams and my three beautiful daughters. There was just one thing that was nagging at me. Tim had not left his girlfriend yet. Why? I knew that Tim was in love with me, but for some strange reason he would not let her go. I knew that Tim had been in the relationship with this woman for 3 years and I didn’t want to seem like I was pressuring him to leave. But I knew that when you love a person, you show it and this means 100% commitment. I gave myself to him totally and I expected the same in return.
For two and a half years of living with Tim, Sunday to Friday I felt like he was just as much my man as he was hers {except for the weekends}. One Friday, while he was packing his bags to return to Charleston, I told him that we needed to talk. Tim asked, “About what?”. “About us!”, I said. He really thought I was tripping because another Friday had come and he was leaving again. Yeah, it was time for someone to leave - time for him to leave her ass. I wanted him all to myself. That’s when I heard a horn blow outside. It was the work crew. They were ready to get on the road and head back to Charleston. Tim grabbed his bag, but before leaving he turned to embrace me and he planted a soft kiss upon my lips. He whispered, “I love you,” and walked out the door.
The phone rang. . “Did someone call Kathy from this number?”. Silence caught me off guard; my only response was “No.” My mind began to race because I didn’t know this female. I gambled my options and went for it. I asked her if she knew a guy by the name Tim. She said that he was her fiancé and he worked in Columbia during the week. Swallowing my pride, I gritted my teeth and faked the funk. “Yes girl, I know that fool, he works with my brother. They just left to go to Charleston.” I could hear the excitement in her voice as she replied, “thank you” and hung up. Now that really did it! Not only was he going to be with another woman, but he was now calling this b--- from my house. I have had enough of this. I checked the caller id; it had just what I needed. I wrote down her name and number. This info was going to be put to good use. The weekend seemed so damn long. I prayed for his butt to get back to Columbia.
It was finally Sunday night. Tim came back acting happy to see me, but I wasn’t feeling that right then. I wanted him to be with me and only me. I wanted him to be mine. Sharing him was not going to work. He felt the bad vibe and could tell that something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong baby?”, he said. I was fed up. “I’m tired of the mess. I want you to leave her!”, I cried out. His facial expression turned from a look of concern to a smile. I told him that I couldn’t bear the thought of him with someone else. Tim held me close and said, “I love you and only you. I just haven’t found a way to tell her yet, but I will.” With that said, I felt so much better. That night we made love and it felt just right. He’s the one I’ve been waiting for, my Mr. Right.
I was off from work the next day. Tim left, the kids were in school and I tried to catch up on sleep while everyone was gone. For some reason the phone kept ringing off the hook from an unknown number. The caller would never say anything; they just held the phone and then hang up. Needless to say, I couldn’t get any sleep that day, so I got up, showered, and got dressed. When I sat down on the couch, the phone started ringing again. Pissed off, I grabbed the phone and said “Hello?” but again, there was no response. I finally realized it was Kathy playing games . She probably got my number from his cell phone wanted to check on Tim again. I knew she didn’t buy the whole Tim working with my brother thing. She probably figured out that I was his weekday woman. Kathy didn’t know that I was The Queen of playing games and solving problems like her. The next time the phone rang I answered calmly and chose my words wisely. I said, to the silence on the other end, “If you’re calling to see if Tim is here, he’s not. He just left to go to work. If you would like to leave a message with me, his woman, you may.” I knew that would probably start her to talking. It worked and our conversation began (the Queen was right again).
Kathy - “Who is this?” she finally choked up.
The Queen -“You’re calling me. You need to tell me who you are.”
Kathy- “My name is Kathy, I’m Tim’s fiancé. I know you didn’t say you’re his girl?”
The Queen- laughed and replied, “Honey Tim has been my man for 2 ½ years, so deal with that. Any other questions you may have, take it up with him. Better yet, just accept the fact that I’m number one in his life and you’re nothing to him.” And with that I hung up – I always have the last word.
Later that day when Tim came home from work, he went straight to the bedroom and lay across the bed. He was in deep thought. I told him about the phone call I had with Kathy. He just smiled as if he already knew what happened. Let’s go find us a car he said. I’m taking off tomorrow so we can go look for us a car.
The next day he did just that and we found us a car. We searched for a while and then we decided to purchase a baby blue 1988 Cadillac Seville, fully loaded with leather interior. We got a good deal, $1500, and no monthly payments, a good start for us. After we picked up the car , Tim had already made up in his mind that we were going to take a trip to Charleston. He also thought it would be good to test out the car on the road. The plan was for us to go down there on Sunday the following weekend. Tim told me that he had planned to go to Charleston on Friday to tell Kathy it was over for good. He also had to get all of his belongings from her house. Things were looking up for us and everything was going to be all good. I was so excited about the news that I decided to take Tim and the kids out to eat. Sharell invited Steve to come along.
Dinner was nice; we really had a good time. After dinner, Tim was showing off the car to Steve. We dropped the kids off at the babysitter’s house and Sharell, Steve, Tim and I went back to Steve’s place. Sharell and I watched movies while the guys played Mr. Fix it with the new used car. On the way home, we picked up the kids. We were getting ready for bed when the phone rang. It was Steve. He had to speak to Tim, it was very important. I told him he was in the shower and asked if I could take a message. He insisted that I get Tim to the phone. So I knocked on the bathroom door to let Tim know he had an important call. When Tim got on the phone, all he said was “I’ll be over in a minute.” While getting dressed in haste he looked like he was very upset. I didn’t want to pry but I had to know so I asked. He told me that Kathy was at Steve’s apartment and she said she wasn’t leaving until he came and talked to her. I couldn’t believe the gall of this b---, coming to my city making demands. Tim was no fool so he could tell I was pissed. He told me he’d be right back; he was going to handle it for good. With that said, he turned and left out the door. I sat on the bed with my mind racing. I began to think about how we first met. It was almost as if I was hypnotized. In the mist of daydreaming, I heard the door slam. It was Tim. “Why was he back so soon?”, I thought. He walked past me and started getting undressed. I asked what happened. He muttered, “It’s over.” That night we slept holding each other and listening to the sounds of the night. The next morning he didn’t talk much. He acted as if he dreaded what he had done the night before. I didn’t say much either. I just got dressed and went on to work.
Now it was Friday. When I got off from work, I noticed Tim outside cleaning the car. “Hi Baby!” he said peeking from inside the car. I waved and continued on in the house. It wasn’t long before Tim was right on my heels. He came in and asked if I could get someone to watch the kids for the weekend. “Do I need to?”, I asked. He walked up to me and kissed me aggressively placing his hands on my hips. “Now tell me if we need a sitter,” he asked grinning from ear to ear. He told me that he wasn’t going with the work crew that he was staying home with his family where he belonged. “I want to take you to meet my family on Sunday. I called up one of my girlfriends to watch the kids because Sharell would be with her friends. We had the house to ourselves and I was so happy. I couldn’t’ believe it, it was Friday and my man was hanging with me. That part of my life was history, especially when it came to Kathy. We were home alone so I prepared dinner: rib-eye steaks, baked potatoes and Caesar salad. We ate and chatted about different things. Tim told me the meal was great. After dinner we watched TV until I took a shower. When I got out of the shower Tim was asleep. I kneeled down and kissed him softly, and then more aggressively. He woke up. He stopped me to look at the Victoria Secret lingerie that I was wearing. I had on a black lace camisole with matching crouch-less panties, black garter belts, black thigh high stockings, and a pair of black stilettos with the silver studs. I was too sexy! Needless to say, I could have made a blind man see. I grabbed him by the hand and led him to the bedroom so I could continue to please him every way I knew how. I woke up the next morning feeling so good that I had to get up, go out and do something. So we showered, got dressed and went to the flea market.
We shopped and hung out for a while. I could only think about my trip to Charleston. My thoughts were interrupted by Tim. “Let’s go to Charleston right now, we don’t have to wait.” I was so excited and ready to go because I knew he wanted to show me off. When we got there, we went to his mother’s house. She was so happy to see him she acted as if he had been gone for years. He introduced me to his mother, brother, and sister as his lady. They were really nice to me. We didn’t stay long, but I still enjoyed myself. He told his mother that he would be back the next day and we said our goodbyes and left. We didn’t think about going to Columbia just yet. We went to all of his friends’ houses and he even took me to meet his older brother. It be-came dark and I was worn out.
We were gassing up to return to Columbia when all of a sudden Tim looked like he had seen a ghost - but he just kept on pumping gas. This female walked up to him, she was skinny as hell, dark skinned with her hair standing up on her head -just plain ugly. “Hey Mr. Tim,” she said as she walked past him towards the store with a smirk on her face. “Hey Kathy,” he mumbled not even looking in her direction as if he was too ashamed to even know her. “Kathy? Oh hell no! He didn’t just say Kathy!”, I exclaimed. When he finished pumping the gas and got in the car, before I could say anything he said, “Yes, that’s Kathy and I know she’s messed up- so save your breath.” I didn’t say anything. He should have never been with her. I know they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but honey, she was a sight for sore eyes. I tried to call my girlfriend because I wanted to tell her I just saw that b--- and she didn’t have a thing on me; but the phone didn’t get a signal down there in the country, and too damn bad it didn’t.
Needless
to say, Charleston was out of the question for Sunday. We stayed home
and watched movies and waited for the kids to come home.
Lies
Just when I thought I was getting over the lies Tim told me about being with Kathy, I found out that he had a four month old daughter by a another woman named Tracy. When I played it back in my head and did the math, it was obvious that she got pregnant when he was with me. I asked Tim about this woman having his child he said “when I slept with Tracy you and I weren’t even in love, we were just dating. We were not close like we are now. “Is it your child?”, I asked. He snapped back, “No! I don’t know, and I don’t want to talk about it. I think she’s lying; she doesn’t know whose baby it is.” For some reason he didn’t want to continue talking about it. I loved him and even though Tim was probably lying to me again, a part of me still wanted to believe him. Tim said I was letting mess that I was hearing about him get the best of me, and he wanted me to stop listening to it because he loved me and no one could change that. He was so good at telling me what I wanted to hear, but his actions always said something else.