Theodore Pharris Saves the Universe
Rachel Starr Thomson
Theodore Pharris Saves the Universe
Copyright 2012 by Rachel Starr Thomson
Visit www.rachelstarrthomson.com.
Cover art and design by Deborah Thomson
All rights reserved.
Published 2012 by Little Dozen Press at Smashwords.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Table of Contents
On the planet of Yenool, an age-old goal drew dangerously near completion. Inside a glass basin, liquids and powders settled and seeped into one another until they had joined in one thick mixture. A few bubbles rose lazily to the surface and popped. The basin gave off a deep sighing sound. A few tense seconds passed, and there was another sigh, this time from outside of the basin.
“It’s no good,” said Jefron, collapsing into an uncomfortable lab chair. “Another failed experiment. I’m beginning to grow weary of this. I wish the kings of Yenool had never thought of this experiment.”
“You’re not the only one to feel that way,” Chillion replied from the other side of the lab, where he was watching millions of calculations play out on a multitude of screens. “We have a grand heritage, don’t forget. Why, Yenoolian scientists have pursued this same goal for many hundreds of years.”
“Sometimes I wish we could chuck our grand old heritage down the space toilet,” Jefron said bitterly. “I never wanted to do this anyway. Just because I got good grades in science my mother guilted me into this. I wanted to have a family, settle down, be a common ignorant Yahbok trainer, but no-o-o-o, I had to spend my whole life in a laboratory chasing the idiot dreams of the monarchy.”
Chillion took a minute to answer. He was staring at his screens with great intensity. His white and green eyes suddenly brightened with excitement.
“It seems to me, my friend,” he said, “that we may not be burdened with this idiot dream much longer. According to the computers, this is the closest we’ve ever come to achieving our goal. In fact…” Chillion trailed off while he fiddled with the computer for a few seconds, then smiled widely when a new screen appeared. His eyes became starry, and his voice was dreamy.
“We’ve almost done it, old boy,” he said in a half-whisper. “Only one thing more to do, and it’s finished. Finished! At last!”
Jefron was so occupied with wondering how on earth Chillion did that dreamy-voice thing that it took him a minute to realize what had just been said. When it sunk in, he jumped to his feet.
“Finished?” he asked in a choked voice. “Really, truly, finished?”
Chillion waved his hand in the air, with a grand sweeping motion that always made people feel that they were about to witness something awesome. Jefron had tried many times to make people feel like that, but he never quite could. Chillion spoke and moved majestically. Jefron spoke and moved like the common ignorant Yahbok trainer he had always wished he could be. Beneath the normal exterior, however, Jefron had a brain that could outdo Chillion’s if it tried. Not for nothing had he become an Esteemed Noble Scientist, one of the highest positions in the kingdom.
“Finished,” Chillion said. “Just imagine it! For centuries our forefathers waited for this day, and now it’s come! And it was us, Jefron! It was you and I that finally did it!”
Jefron hastily pulled himself down from the imaginary cloud of glory he had nearly joined his friend on. “You said there was one thing left to do, Chillion. What is it?”
“Just a trifle,” Chillion answered. “Just one lone ingredient to be gained. Although,” he said, the stars in his eyes falling back to the ground, “I’m not saying it will be easily gained. Such things are not so common as Yahbok trainers, you know. In fact, I’d say we’ll have to leave Yenool completely to get it.”
Jefron was beginning to feel as if this was perhaps not such a great thing after all. “Where do we have to go?” he asked cautiously.
“Earth,” Chillion replied. His nonchalance seemed forced. Even Chillion couldn’t get excited about Earth.
* * *
It was not long before the Esteemed Noble Scientists found themselves in the court of the king, standing in the presence of King Marvin the Nasty and Prime Minister Felcop, wearing his Grandest of Grand Hats. The hat, which was large, blue, and somewhat floppy, sat on Felcop’s head like a sack on a pole. The Prime Minister was “slight of build” if you were polite, and “skinny as a beanpole” if you weren’t. It was also rumoured that he was bald, but this had never been confirmed. It was impossible to tell, as Felcop never took his hat off.
Chillion was giving a glorious account of all their work, in which he managed to include nearly the entire history of Yenool. It was a captivating narrative, liberally sprinkled with dreamy voice tones and majestic gestures. Jefron finally cut in.
“Don’t let us give you the wrong impression, though, your majesty and your, uh, ministry,” he said. “It’s not completely finished yet. In fact, we asked for this audience to request that a team be sent out to find and take into possession the last ingredient.”
Prime Minister Felcop raised a skinny blue eyebrow. “And if we should grant this permission, where would the team be sent?”
Jefron nudged Chillion, who for once looked uncomfortable. He hemmed and hawed and finally answered, “Earth. Sir.” It was, in Jefron’s memory, the shortest speech Chillion had ever given.
“Oh no,” Felcop began, “Not Earth. Anywhere but Earth.” He would have gone on, but Jefron timidly interrupted.
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “why is Earth so bad? I mean, I know we’ve had a few experiences, but…”
“It isn’t Earth itself that’s such a problem,” Felcop interrupted. “It’s earthlings. Don’t ask me why, but every time we send a ship to Earth it comes back with earthlings. We send someone to fetch us a metal alloy, and they come back with some guy named Elvis. We send someone to find us a new kind of fish, and they come back with Amelia Earhart. And then there’s that idiot Holmes! The first time we ever send someone to actually bring back an earthling, and then the guy won’t leave.”
“Beg your pardon, your ministry,” Jefron said, “but Mr. Holmes has done us a lot of good. If it wasn’t for him, we would be without a lot of scientific advancements that have served us well.”
“True,” Felcop grudgingly admitted. “Arthur Holmes has been helpful, even if he is a dunderhead. But so help me, if whoever we send this time comes back with earthlings, I will blow my regal stack!”
“You needn’t worry too much, sir,” Chillion cut in. “The ingredient should be easy to find. Earthlings needn’t be involved at all. If we use Shrink Technology, they won’t even know we’re there.”
“I should hope not,” King Marvin said, speaking up for the first time. “I would hate to bother them.”
Felcop ignored him. “We’ll have to choose the team carefully,” he said. “Only the very best will do. And no one must know of this mission. It is to be of utmost secrecy.”
“Yes, sir,” Jefron said. “But I have one more question, your ministry. When this is completed, that is, when it’s done…” he fumbled for words. He’d been getting up the nerve to ask this question for years. “When it’s done, sir, what will we do with it?”
“Why,” said Felcop with a look that could melt steel, “we’ll blow up the universe. What else?”
* * *
Jefron stood at attention in an official-looking space travel suit, complete with brass buttons and a communicator. Seven others stood with him, ramrod straight, as the Prime Minister looked them over. Felcop was strutting up and down the metal walkway in the space port, nodding and grunting officially. At last he came to a halt in front of the expedition leader.
“Captain Zoot,” Felcop began, “to you is entrusted this day a great mission. Your name will be loved forever as one who helped lead us to our final victory.”
Captain Zoot glowed, ignoring the obvious stupidity of Felcop’s logic. Once the universe had been blown up there wouldn’t be anyone left who could love anybody’s name. Still, Zoot had a tendency toward overlooking obvious stupidity. It was one of the qualities that had gained him high favour with the government.
“I shall now take a role call, to be absolutely sure that there is no one missing at this historic moment.”
Jefron snorted to himself. Felcop had been looking at them for the last ten minutes; he knew full well no one was missing. Still, he never missed a chance for ceremony.
“Captain Zoot.”
“Here.”
“Sub-Captain Crawkid.”
“Here, sir.”
“Scientist Chillion.”
And the list went on. Jefron paid little attention except to answer to his own name. He had spent the entire day worrying about the mission, and he was none too happy with Felcop’s choices for the team. Sub-Captain Crawkid was a good fellow, capable and reliable, but he was handicapped by his required submission to Zoot—who was an idiot. Chillion was coming, of course, and Jefron was glad he’d have a friend, even if that friend wasn’t always the most sensible company. Also present were Dallrump, the ship’s navigator, and Bill, the mechanic. Two others were along to be extra hands if needed. However, the need was not anticipated and they planned to spend most of the trip in their quarters playing scojkump, a game where the players spent hours staring at the wall envisioning huge creatures which would battle each other. Since neither player could actually see the other’s creature, no one ever knew who had won, but the game was enormously popular.
“My good people,” Felcop said with a fake tear in his eye, “today you are making history. This day will the destiny of Yenool be fulfilled. Go in peace, and return quickly!”
Captain Zoot was looking disgustingly patriotic, Jefron thought. So was Bill. Chillion appeared to be contemplating how much better Felcop’s speech would have been if he had given it, and Jefron silently agreed. With a bit of a shock Jefron realized that it was time to board the ship. His heart beat a little faster.
The ship was quickly boarded and everyone took their places. The countdown for takeoff began, and the ship went shooting off into the stars.
Theodore Pharris was bored already, and he wasn’t even fully awake yet. He wished for a moment that he could stick his head under the covers and sleep the rest of his boring life away, but he doubted it would work. His mother was sure to make him get up and take the garbage out or something. Besides, the sunlight coming through his window would find some way to get through his blanket and right into his eyes. Theodore couldn’t understand people who were always raving about how wonderful sunny days were. Didn’t the sun have anything better to do than get in his eyes?
He sat up abruptly and looked around his room, blinking from a combination of sleepiness and too much sun in his eyes. The room, he reflected, looked exactly the same as always. Boring. It had the same old wooden floor with the same old throw rug, the same old blue curtains, and the same old toy chest. The same old toys were laying all over the floor.
Theodore swung out of bed, his bare feet landing on the floorboards. The throw rug was supposed to be under his feet, but it wasn’t. Balfour had taken a sudden attraction to the rug one day, and he kept dragging it into the corner. Balfour was not presently in the bedroom, so Theodore repositioned the rug with a sigh. He didn’t really mind if his dog wanted to use the rug, but his mother threw a fit if she saw so much as a dog hair on it. The oval shaped, braided rug had been Mrs. Pharris’s only successful attempt at rug-making. She was never really sure why this one turned out when the other three were such failures, but she lost interest in rug-making before she ever solved the mystery. The rug was dubbed a fluke and given to Theodore.
There were times when Theodore was pretty sure his whole life was a fluke. At least, he felt that way now. Being the only child in your family, not to mention the only child in your whole community, was neither easy nor particularly fun. Since the Pharrises had moved to Pine Corners a year ago, Theodore had had to do his best with what he considered to be an extremely dismal lot in life. Pine Corners was so small it didn’t have much of anything, but topping the list of what it didn’t have was children. Theodore remembered his father giving a glowing report of the town after he had first gone to see the house for sale. “Real nice folks,” he had exclaimed. “Not too many kids, but they’ll come… and besides, we can always get Theodore a dog.”
Theodore now had two dogs, a Scottish deerhound and a little Scottish terrier. They were given the names Balfour and Breck, and became Theodore’s closest companions.
As it turned out, the folks in Pine Corners were “real nice,” and they did their best to make the eight-year-old newcomer feel welcome. W.D. Thornhill, the only businessman in Pine Corners, had offered Theodore a summer job as an errand boy. Theodore took the job, but it wasn’t an especially exciting occupation. W.D. was a businessman with next to no business, and therefore had a conspicuous lack of errands to run. Still, the job did afford some entertainment. W.D. and his secretary were pretty entertaining, although they weren’t aware of it.
Theodore got out of his pajamas and into a red t-shirt and overalls with grass-stained knees. With his hands on his hips, he surveyed his room for anything he couldn’t do without. He finally picked up a slingshot and a Hershey’s chocolate kiss that was starting to melt and put them in his pocket. Then he headed downstairs, dragging his hand along the banister.
“For heaven’s sake, Theodore,” his mother exclaimed when he appeared in the kitchen. “Didn’t you brush your hair? It’s a mess.”
Theodore grimaced and ran his hand through his hair twice. “There,” he said.
His mother shook her
head with a bit of a laugh.
“Oh well,” she said. “I suppose
if you brushed it nicely now you’d just go outside and mess it all
up again. But at least brush it before you go to work. You want to
look professional, don’t you?”
Theodore declined to answer, instead asking, “Do I have to go visit Mrs. Richards today? I am spending the weekend with her.”
“That’s no reason you can’t go on your afternoon visit anyway. And get that look off your face. You’d think we were sending you to Alcatraz. I told you, there was no else available to watch you for the weekend.” Mrs. Pharris gave Theodore a warning look. “Remember, honey, she’s a lonely woman. It’s not entirely her fault she is the way she is.”
Theodore wanted to argue, but decided not to. In his opinion, “lonely” was no excuse for being as cranky as Edgartina Richards. Also, he still couldn’t understand why he had to be the one to alleviate her loneliness. Just because his mother felt sorry for her…
Mrs. Pharris sighed as Theodore rejected her bacon and eggs in favour of a bowl of marshmallow cereal. He ate his food slowly, savouring the sugar, then started to head out the door. “I’m going now, Mother,” he said. “I’ll be back later.”
“Make sure you get home in time to pack for this weekend, Theodore,” Mrs. Pharris called. “Your father and I don’t want to be late because you’re not ready.”
“Yes, Mother,” Theodore answered, just before giving an ear-splitting whistle. Two blurs of fur, one large and lanky, the other short and stumpy, raced through the kitchen and out the door.
Theodore walked down the dirt road into town, Balfour and Breck at his heels. Everyone who lived in Pine Corners actually lived outside of Pine Corners, in one of the big farmhouses that dotted the landscape. Some people actually farmed, others commuted to the Big City and let the fields “go to nature.”
The actual town had a grocery store, a gas station, a post office and an office building. The office building only had one office. The sign over the door announced it to be the domain of, “Mr. W.D. Thornhill, Proprietor.”
Walker Davis Thornhill, Proprietor, was in the business of painting people’s houses green. Most businessmen would never set up office in a place like Pine Corners, but W.D. didn’t get any business anyway, so he didn’t see why he should bother moving to the Big City. Someone had suggested once that W.D. should change his business to something more profitable, but he insisted that painting people’s houses green was his calling, and he just couldn’t be happy doing anything else. Mrs. Edgartina Richards thought that was just his excuse for not doing any work at all. Theodore thought W.D. was pretty smart.
Theodore pushed open the office door and walked in, noting that W.D. still had not repaired the little bell over the door that was supposed to announce arrivals. W.D. was dictating a letter to his secretary, Miss Jenny Fowler. Jenny Fowler was very pretty, but she wasn’t much good as a secretary. She could only type twelve words a minute, and she often misspelled them. She always carried an enormous purse, in which almost all of her earthly possessions were stored. Whenever she was mad at W.D. she would whack him over the head with it. Theodore liked Miss Fowler, too.
“Hello, W.D.,” said Theodore. “Hello, Miss Fowler.”
“Good morning, Theodore,” said Jenny.
Theodore had once referred to his employer as W.D. within hearing of his parents, and Mr. and Mrs. Pharris had given him a serious talk on showing respect by addressing adults as “Mr.” or “Mrs.” Theodore had then given his parents a serious talk on the fact that it is not respectful to call someone by a title they hate.
W.D. hated it when anyone called him “Mr. Thornhill.” He said it made him feel old. W.D. wasn’t old, exactly. He was middle-aged with a bushy mustache. He was also getting a bit big around the middle, but only Jenny Fowler was brave enough to point it out. She had her purse to protect her.
Theodore looked around the office while he waited for W.D. to get him something to do. He noticed an expensive new clock on the wall. He once had asked his father how W.D. could afford to buy new things all the time when he really didn’t make any money with his business. Mr. Pharris said that W.D. had inherited a lot of money. W.D. only had a business because his mother couldn’t stand to see her son lazing around.
W.D. dug around in his desk and pulled out a long piece of paper with a lot of numbers written on it. It looked like a bill. He gave it to Theodore. “I want you to take this to the home of Johnny Bellmont. And make sure you tell Johnny that I need this paid right away. You do know where Johnny’s house is, don’t you?”
“Yes,” said Theodore as he headed out the door. Everyone knew where Johnny Bellmont’s house was. You couldn’t possibly miss it. It was the loudest house in Pine Corners. Johnny Bellmont was a rock musician. The whole world started shaking as soon as you got within a mile of his house (or so it seemed, anyway). His house was painted pistachio green. As far as Theodore knew, he was W.D.’s only customer. W.D. touched up the paint on Johnny’s place every so often, mostly so that he could send him bills and tell his mother that business was booming.
Johnny had long brown hair and a long mustache. He played the electric guitar and had a parrot named Long John Silver, who could sing every song the Beatles had ever written. He was definitely not one of the area’s farmers. Actually, he didn’t even live in a real farmhouse. His house was a converted chicken coop, that, while it would have been any housewife’s worst nightmare, worked well for Johnny. The chicken coop was located on the property of a somewhat deaf old farmer, who was renting it out.
Mrs. Edgartina Richards was positive that Johnny was a crook. She was convinced that anyone who played music (“If you could call it that”) as loudly as Johnny did was trying to cover something up. He was probably drowning out the screams of murder victims, she said. “Someone ought to set the police on that man.”
Theodore liked him.
Theodore went inside the house without knocking. Johnny didn’t mind, and with the ever-present sound of rock ‘n roll blasting through a set of large speakers, he couldn’t have heard if anyone did knock. Long John Silver started singing “Help!” in his screechy parrot voice. Johnny came out of his den, holding an electric guitar.
“Hey, little buddy!” he said when he saw Theodore. “What are you up to?”
Theodore gave him the note. Johnny patted Balfour and Breck absent-mindedly as he read. They were allowed in Johnny’s house, as there was already so much dirt on his floor that any mud the dogs might track in would never be noticed. When he was finished, he crumpled up the note and tossed it on the floor.
“A floor is as good as a trash can,” Johnny always said. “Just hire a cleaning crew once every few months, and you’re all set.”
Theodore told that to his mother once, and she threw a fit. Most people, apparently, didn’t think Johnny’s philosophy was worth much. Theodore once told Johnny that, and he replied that all great philosophers are misunderstood, at least until after they die.
“Johnny,” Theodore said, looking at the crumpled bill, “W.D. said to make sure you knew to pay that right away.”
Johnny dismissed the statement with a wave of his hand and a grin. “Jenny Fowler doesn’t know how to record a bill into the computer, so it won’t come up. Besides, W.D. hasn’t done any work lately that he can bill me for. Except helping me rake the lawn when he dropped by last Friday. But he didn’t do a very good job.”
Theodore inwardly agreed. The grassy area around Johnny’s house that was known as the “lawn” was a mess, covered with dead sticks from the willow tree that overshadowed the house. A small patch could be seen that had been somewhat cleared, and Theodore assumed it was there that W.D. had worked.
The lawn extended for about ten feet behind Johnny’s house, where the short grass grew long and became a large open field, across which could be seen Mrs. Richards’ large white farmhouse.
The field was clear of trees, as it had once been used to grow crops. Now nothing grew in it but long grass and wild flowers. Balfour began sniffing around the edge of the field, and Theodore sighed. Balfour lived for running through long grass, but Theodore didn’t really want to start heading across the field just yet. After all, the sooner it was crossed, the sooner he had to go visit Edgartina Richards.
Oh well, he thought, it’s got to be done sooner or later. Hollering good-bye to Johnny, he ran toward Balfour, who joyfully bounded through the grass. The big lanky dog jumped and barked, wagging his skinny tail. He ran ahead and then circled back, while Breck yapped and ran around him. Theodore shook his head with a laugh, and suddenly dived into the grass. He got down on all fours and stayed still, waiting for his dogs to come find him.
When he had rolled around in the grass for what he deemed a sufficiently long time, he stood up with a sigh, brushed himself off, and headed for Edgartina Richards’ big white house.
Mrs. Richards was sitting in her armchair reading a romance novel when Theodore arrived. He knocked on the door politely.
“Come in, Theodore,” said Edgartina. Theodore stepped inside and shut the door behind him. He took his shoes off and set them neatly beside the door, wiping his stocking feet off on the mat. Hoping he had not forgotten anything in Edgartina Richards’ Book-of-Manners-When-Entering-a-House, Theodore walked over to the elderly lady’s chair.
She looked him over with a critical eye. “Your hair is all full of grass, Theodore,” she said. “Whatever were you doing? I declare, children get the strangest things all over them. That’s what comes of not being neat. Give dirt an inch and you’ll soon have mud smeared all over you.”
While he tried to figure out exactly what that was supposed to mean, Theodore obediently plucked a lone bit of grass from his hair.
Mrs. Richards believed in neatness. Mr. Pharris liked to tell a story about the time she saw a dust mote and fainted. “Neatness,” the townspeople liked to say, “was what killed poor Mr. Richards. Edgartina saw a speck on his tie once and sucked him right into the vacuum cleaner.”
Theodore did not like Mrs. Edgartina Richards. And he was always careful to stay far away from her vacuum cleaner.
Mrs. Richards launched into her gossip list of all the disgraceful goings-on she had seen in town the day before. Theodore politely tried to listen for a while, then gave up and let his mind wander. He clued back in when Edgartina’s voice began to grow particularly vehement.
“…and do you know what I saw?” Mrs. Richards asked. “There was that lazy W.D. Thornhill, sauntering down the street holding my hat! The nerve of that man! He ought to be arrested!”
Theodore was not alarmed at this. Mrs. Edgartina Richards thought everyone ought to be arrested.
Edgartina Richards finally turned her attention away from her own narrative and onto her guest. “What’s wrong with you, Theodore?” she asked suddenly, her voice showing some concern. “Your eyes are glazed over. Are you getting sick?”
“It’s a possibility,” Theodore replied, trying to maintain truthfulness and at the same time urge on a suspicion on Edgartina’s part which could possibly be to his advantage. If she believed he was sick, she might send him home.
Edgartina clicked her tongue and disappeared into the kitchen, reappearing shortly with a jar which Theodore eyed nervously.
“You don’t look too bad,” she said, “so you certainly can’t have anything that this can’t cure.”
“What is it?” Theodore asked in a small voice.
“It’s good medicine, that’s what it is. Recipe’s been in the family for generations. It can be swallowed or rubbed on. My great-great-great grandmother took it every day from the time she was a child, and she lived to be 107. Come here.”
Theodore started to protest, but he was grabbed and handed a spoonful of the stuff before he could think of a good excuse not to take it. After stammering that he didn’t really think he was sick after all, he finally gave up and downed the spoonful. When he had choked and sputtered for what seemed to him like a good twenty minutes, Edgartina aimed him toward the door.
“Now skedaddle outside and get some fresh air,” she commanded. Theodore scurried out as fast as he could, more than happy to comply, and vowing that he would never again encourage someone in a lie.
* * *
Prime Minister Felcop switched on the huge screen that was connected with every ship in Yenool’s space fleet. The screen zeroed in on the Green Gallop quickly, and the Prime Minister waited to receive a report.
Navigator Dallrump appeared on screen, while his voice came over the audio channel. “Hello? Who’s there? For goodness’ sake, come through. We haven’t got time for this.”
He paled noticeably when Prime Minister Felcop’s face appeared to him. “Oh!” he said in a slightly nervous voice. “It’s you, sir!”
“Yes, it’s me,” Felcop answered impatiently. “Who were you expecting? I say, Navigator, what’s going on there?”
Dallrump made an unsuccessful attempt to look innocent. “Going on, sir? What makes you think anything’s going on?”
Felcop heaved a heavy sigh. “I don’t know what kind of fool you think I am, Navigator,” he said. “Let me talk to Captain Zoot.”
“I’m afraid Captain Zoot is not exactly available right now,” Dallrump said.
The Prime Minister groaned. “Look, Navigator,” he said. “Just tell me. Where are you?”
“I’d tell you, sir, if I knew.” Dallrump was looking defeated.
“You don’t know?” Felcop couldn’t quite believe his ears.
“Well, sir, we were heading for Earth, but right about the time we should have come within eye shot of it, this big rock loomed up. Captain Zoot and the others are currently exploring our locale in an attempt to discover where we are.”
Felcop sighed again. “You say this came up just when you should have been within sight of Earth?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Tell me, Navigator, what exactly does this rock look like?”
Dallrump thought for a moment. “Well, it’s big, and white, and it has a lot of holes in it.”
Felcop felt an incredible urge to bang his head against the nearest wall. “It’s the moon, you idiot! It’s Earth’s moon! Now for goodness’ sake, get out of there and get on with your mission!”
* * *
Arthur Holmes watched the screen in front of him thoughtfully. It had been a good idea to plant a camera in that ridiculous hat of Felcop’s, he thought. Ever since he had discovered what was known as the Great Yenoolian Experiment (to find some way to blow up the universe), he had kept close tabs on the king’s court. It was beginning to pay off.
Arthur puffed thoughtfully on his pipe and turned to the figure beside him.
“I was hoping,” he said, “that Zoot would captain that ship straight into oblivion. Unfortunately, he only got lost as far as the moon. And Felcop figured it out pretty fast.”
Quegal, a Yenoolian and Arthur’s right hand man, nodded. “Now what do we do?”
Arthur nodded, too. Quegal wondered briefly what he was nodding about, but Arthur spoke up before he could wonder too hard.
“I’m afraid, my friend, that it has come down to—well, to what I was afraid of.”
“What’s that?” Quegal asked.
“We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.” Arthur’s face suddenly broke into a grin. “And it isn’t going to be pretty.”
Theodore kicked at a rock in the field, then stooped down to examine it more closely. Yes, he decided, it was a very slingshotty sort of rock. He slipped it into his pocket and continued looking, his head bent down in an attempt to see through the long grass. He had gone home, packed, and kissed his parents good-bye for the weekend. For the moment, looking for slingshot ammo was a good way to avoid going back to Mrs. Richards. Beside him, Balfour started to put out a tremendous whine. Breck’s shrill yapping soon joined him.
Theodore looked at the dogs, feeling a little annoyed. He didn’t care if they barked, but what were they whining about? And why in the world were they looking up like that?
Theodore lifted his head and looked into the sky. His eyes widened at the sight of a little green thing hurtling toward him. Just when a collision seemed imminent, the green thing zoomed off in another direction. It slowed down a little and began to fly in circles above the field. Slowly, Theodore reached for his slingshot.
* * *
“What’s the alien doing now?” Zoot demanded.
Dallrump peered down at the field. “I’m not sure, sir. He seems to be taking some sort of primitive machinery out of his pocket. Now he’s holding it up. Is he signaling us?”
Sub-Captain Crawkid left his post and looked out the window. “That’s not a signal, you idiots, it’s a weapon!” Crawkid yelled, forgetting all protocol in a moment of infuriated panic. “Turn the ship around!”
It was too late. The shock of collision sent the Yenoolians flying. Crawkid leapt back to his feet as fast as he could and flew for the pilot’s seat, desperately attempting to get the ship back under control. A door burst open and Bill ran in, his normally blue face white. “We’ve lost an engine, sir!” he said. “We’ve got to land this thing!” Jefron and Chillion appeared in the open door, looking confused and a little panicked.
“Hang on, everyone!” Crawkid yelled. “We’re going down!”
* * *
Theodore watched as the green thing plummeted to the ground. It bounced up and landed in the grass with a gentle thump. He raced for the landing sight.
“Now where did it go?” he mumbled as he searched. His hands parted the grass in front of him and the thing was suddenly in plain view. His eyes got even wider, seeming to swell with wonder.
It was a spaceship.
Theodore picked it up and held it for a minute. Then he started to turn it around, examining it carefully. It was amazing, a perfect little ship. Aside from the place where his rock had hit, the metallic green surface was smooth and unblemished. He couldn’t see a door in it anywhere. Is it real? he wondered. Is it really real? Or is someone playing a trick?
After long deliberation he decided to take it to W.D. W.D. didn’t always show it, but he was pretty smart. He’d know what to do. Theodore placed the ship carefully in his pocket and started down the road to town.
* * *
Theodore went to the office for the second time that morning. He peered in the window, laughed a little at the scene inside, and went in.
Miss Jenny Fowler was sitting in her chair looking pretty while W.D. stormed around the room shouting about various things, not the least of which was his secretary’s incompetence. When he didn’t get any reaction from Jenny, he stopped shouting and glared at her. Finally, he noticed Theodore.
“Oh, hello, Theodore.” W.D. said. “What can I do for you?”
“I found something in the field that I want you to take a look at,” Theodore said. “I’m not sure what it is. Can you help?”
“No problem,” W.D. said. “Just put it on the table here and we’ll have a look.”
Theodore reached into his pocket and carefully took out the little spaceship. He set it on the table and stepped back so that W.D. and Miss Fowler could see it.
“Wow,” said W.D. “That is one nice toy.”
“I don’t think it is a toy, W.D.,” said Theodore. “It was flying around in the sky and I shot it down with my slingshot.”
W.D. chuckled. “Sure you did, sure you did. Now, what did you want me to do with it?”
“I wanted you to help me find out what it is,” Theodore said, feeling a little annoyed. “Can we try getting it open?”
“Oh, yes, of course. Let me see now, I’ll need a screwdriver. Where can I get a—”
Jenny pulled a screwdriver out of her purse and gave it to W.D. He gave her an odd look and began to examine the ship.
“Ah,” he said finally. “That looks like some kind of door right there. I’ll just pry it open.”
Just as W.D. was about to pick it up, the spaceship’s yellow lights flashed.
“Hey,” W.D. said, startled. “How’d you do that?” He looked at Theodore.
“I didn’t,” Theodore said, a trifle smugly. “I told you it was real.”
W.D. was about to reply when he noticed that Jenny Fowler was staring at the spaceship, her mouth open in astonishment. He and Theodore turned and followed her gaze.
The little door was slowly opening, completely by itself. W.D. licked his lips nervously.
“Uh, Theodore,” he said. “That is you doing that, right? I mean, you are just playing a joke on your old pal?”
Theodore shook his head. W.D. stared at the ship, wide-eyed.
Both Jenny Fowler and W.D. gasped as a shape appeared in the spaceship door. It appeared to be a little man, and he was holding a gun.
There was a popping noise, and W.D. howled. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and whimpered. Miss Fowler looked disgusted with him. She opened her mouth to say something when the popping noise went off again.
“Owwwwwwwwwww!” Miss Fowler shrieked.
Theodore reached out and flicked the gun out of the little man’s hand before he could fire again. The little man shouted at Theodore angrily. Then he turned around and stomped back into the spaceship. The door closed behind him.
“See,” said Theodore, feeling a little shocked but not at a loss for words, “I told you the spaceship was real. Now what do we do with it?”
“Get rid of it,” said W.D., who was still sniffling. “It’s dangerous, keeping malicious little aliens like that around. Lock it up somewhere, and then contact the FBI, or NASA, or somebody. Let them be responsible for it.”
Theodore frowned. It was his spaceship, wasn’t it? Why did he have to give it to someone else? W.D. saw the look on his face, and his voice softened.
“No, really, Theodore. You don’t know what those little guys can do. I admit that a little gun like that can’t do much damage, but they might have something bigger. Besides, you can’t just keep people for yourself, even if they are from another planet. It just doesn’t work that way.”
“I know,” Theodore mumbled in agreement. “But—”
“No buts, Theodore.” W.D. was looking pretty stern again. “Take it to your parents, and they’ll get in touch with the proper authorities.”
Theodore brightened a little. “I can’t take it to my parents. They’ve gone away for the weekend. I’m staying with Mrs. Richards. Does that mean I get to keep it until they get back?”
“I’m afraid not,” W.D. said. “If your parents aren’t around, then you’ll just have to give it to someone else.”
“Who?” Theodore asked. “You?”
W.D. looked somewhat alarmed at the suggestion. “Me? Oh no, no, I don’t think so.”
“But who else?” Theodore asked innocently.
“Well, um, uh,” W.D. groped for a name. “Johnny!” he finally said triumphantly.
Jenny Fowler looked rather startled at the suggestion. So did Theodore. Finally he nodded. “All right,” he said. “I’ll take it to Johnny.”
* * *
Theodore sat as still as he could while he waited for Johnny’s word of wisdom. He had listened to Theodore’s story and conducted his own examination of the spaceship. At the moment he was thinking the best way he knew how: with headphones on, listening to a punk band sing songs about love.
At long last, Johnny took his headphones off and looked at Theodore calmly. Theodore waited.
“I think,” said Johnny, “that Tiny Little Spaceship is the best name for a rock album I have ever heard. Besides that,” he said as Theodore opened his mouth to protest, “I think that you should take this spaceship to a scientist I know in the Big City. He’ll know what to do with it, and he won’t leave you out of whatever happens, like some big shots would. W.D. was right that you need to turn it over to the authorities, but I don’t want to be responsible for it until your parents get home. If you ask me, the sooner we get it to the Big City, the better.”
“What if the little man comes out and starts making trouble again?” asked Theodore.
“So what if he does?” Johnny shrugged. “He’s only three inches tall. He can’t hurt anybody that badly.”
Theodore nodded. Johnny was right, of course. “How am I going to get to the Big City? I’m not quite old enough to drive.” At a mere eight years old, Theodore wasn’t anywhere near old enough to drive, but he didn’t like to put it so bluntly.
“And my car’s in the shop,” Johnny said thoughtfully. “I guess W.D.’s going to have to get involved in this after all. He’s got a car. We’ll get him to drive us.”
W.D. most certainly did have a car, a much nicer one than Johnny’s, too. Johnny’s car was a lot like his house. You could hear it coming long before you ever saw it.
Johnny and Theodore headed back to W.D.’s office, along with Long John Silver, Balfour, and Breck. After leaving the dogs with strict instructions to stay outside and wait, Theodore, Johnny, and Long John Silver entered the office, only to find that W.D. and Jenny Fowler were nowhere to be seen.
“W.D.? Miss Fowler?” Theodore called.
“Is anyone here?” called Johnny. There was no answer.
“Huh,” said Johnny. “They must have gone out.”
“But they never leave before closing time,” Theodore said thoughtfully. “And that’s not for three hours!”
Johnny and Theodore were halfway out the door when they heard a resounding crash from inside. They hustled back to see what was going on. A golden paperweight had somehow been knocked off the desk and onto the floor. As Theodore bent over to pick it up, Johnny stared at the desktop.
“Theodore,” he said in an odd tone of voice, “I think you had better come look at this.”
Theodore looked at the desk curiously. He blinked. They were still there. He closed his eyes and shook his head. When he opened his eyes again, they were definitely still there.
“Incredible,” Theodore breathed.
Standing on the desktop were W.D. and Jenny Fowler, large—or rather, small—as life. They were about three inches tall. W.D. looked bewildered. Jenny looked mad.
“W.D.,” said Theodore in a condescending tone, “whatever have you done this time?” W.D. squeaked. “I can’t understand you,” said Theodore. “Speak louder.”
W.D. squeaked again, Jenny joining in at the top of her lungs. Still, their voices were too small to be understood.
Suddenly Johnny called out a warning. “Someone’s coming! Get them out of the way!”
Theodore turned around. Mrs. Edgartina Richards was coming through the door! Panicking, Theodore scooped up W.D. and Miss Fowler and shoved them into his pocket.
“Oh, there you are, Theodore!” said Mrs. Richards. “I’ve been looking all over for you. I’m glad you’re having a good time with your little friends, but it’s almost time for lunch, and I want you to help me make it.”
Theodore would have protested that he wasn’t hungry, but he was too scared. W.D. and Jenny Fowler were squabbling inside his pocket, and he was afraid Mrs. Richards would see his pant leg moving.
Theodore gulped nervously and nodded his head. He started to walk out the door when his foot caught on the front step. He went sprawling, and the spaceship flew out of his pocket.
Both Theodore and Johnny watched in horror as the lights on the spaceship began to blink. The popping noise sounded clearly three times. Theodore felt a small sting in his arm, and suddenly he began to feel very dizzy. For a moment he fancied that the room was growing larger. When the dizziness stopped he found that he hadn’t been imagining anything. The room really was larger. Or rather, Theodore was a whole lot smaller.
An awed “Holy Mackerel!” and an indignant “Well, I never,” told Theodore that the other two pellets had hit Johnny and Mrs. Edgartina Richards. Beside him, W.D. and Jenny Fowler were brushing themselves off and attempting to look dignified after being forcibly ejected from an eight-year old’s pocket.
After the initial shock was over, the same thought hit every one of the now-shrunken people. As one, they turned apprehensively and faced the spaceship. The first little man had been joined by three others. Theodore could see them much more clearly now that he was so close. They were short, although they certainly weren’t small anymore, and rather weedy looking. Their skin was a pale shade of blue, and their dark hair had a bit of a green tint to it. They were wearing tight-fitting spacesuits and each of them carried a red gun.
The aliens started walking toward the humans, with a funny stilted walk that reminded Theodore of a goose he once owned. Theodore swallowed hard as his legs began to carry him backwards. Every nerve in his body was telling him to turn around and run, but he was somehow unable to tear his eyes away from the aliens. His backward escape stopped abruptly when he bumped into the wall. A quick glance to either side of him revealed each of his friends to be in the same predicament.
W.D. was sweating, his eyes getting wider with every step the aliens took. Edgartina and Johnny looked like they were still trying to figure out if this was really happening. Jenny was clutching her purse bravely, apparently just itching to hit somebody over the head with it. Theodore gave up trying to feel brave and just screwed his eyes shut tightly.
A few seconds later, there was a loud whistle, and Theodore opened his eyes again to see Johnny looking up with his fingers still in his mouth. He whistled again, and this time a deafening squawk answered. There was a whoosh of air, and a rapidly approaching shadow fell on everyone. Long John Silver!
The aliens looked around them wildly, obviously taken by surprise. Theodore himself was so surprised that he almost missed Johnny yelling “Everybody grab on!”
Fortunately, W.D. noticed his young friend’s surprise and grabbed Theodore’s arm with one hand. With the other he tightly clenched a long feather, and with a jerk and a yell they were airborne. The others had managed to grab on as well, and Johnny gave a whoop of triumph as they lifted off, leaving the aliens below, scrambling into action.
Long John Silver flew out the window with a speed that his terrified passengers could hardly appreciate. Even Johnny, elated at first, turned white when a branch from a low-hanging tree nearly hit him. W.D. shut his eyes tightly, while Jenny’s grew wider and wider. Only Theodore and Edgartina seemed relatively unafraid. To Theodore it was sort of like a dream. It was a little scary, but nothing could really happen, so why worry? When the parrot took a sudden sharp dive, the dream-like feeling vanished, and Theodore started worrying.
At last the green roof of Johnny’s chicken coop house came into view. Long John Silver took another dive, there was a whoosh as they flew through an open window, and Johnny yelled, “Let go!”
Theodore shut his eyes and obeyed.
Theodore plummeted down through the air with his teeth clenched, waiting for a crunch to announce that he had broken every bone in his body when he hit the floor. To his surprise and understandably immense relief, he didn’t break. Instead, he hit something soft, bounced once, and lay still.
After a minute, he dared open his eyes. It took a moment to adjust to seeing the room from his size, but he soon recognized Johnny’s living room. They had landed on his ragged old couch, and were precariously perched right at the edge.
This being the first time Theodore had ever seen Johnny’s living room so closely, it was also the first time he realized what a mess it was. A layer of dust covered everything. CDs and trash were scattered all over the bushy red carpet. Johnny’s guitar was laying on the floor, beside a pile of amplifiers. Mrs. Richards looked absolutely disgusted. The others looked somehow awed. Johnny looked proud.
They clambered over to the end of the couch, next to a tall stack of CDs which were piled in just such a manner as to make a serviceable, if somewhat hazardous, ladder. Johnny climbed down the CDs first, and Theodore followed. Mrs. Edgartina Richards spent five minutes complaining that she was terrified of heights before climbing down with the unconcerned air of a professional acrobat. W.D. really was scared of heights, but he managed.
Jenny Fowler was about a third of the way down when her foot slipped. She shrieked. So did Johnny. Moments before she hit the ground, Johnny caught her in his arms. She gazed at him and sighed. Johnny sighed back. Theodore thought they looked ridiculous, but he was too smart to say so. He wasn’t in any hurry to land a purse-sized headache.
If the world had looked bigger from their vantage point up on the couch, it looked monstrous from the floor. The shag carpet was like a forest of stunted, red trees. Furniture looked like oddly shaped mountains. And the light bulb hanging far above them made a small, ugly sun.
“Well,” Jenny asked in a small sort of voice, “now what?”
“We’ve got to find some way to unshrink,” W.D. answered.
“Any ideas?” Johnny asked.
W.D. thought hard for a moment. “None whatever,” he said. “Maybe if there was some way I could get a hold of some science books, I could look and see if anyone has ever come up with an antidote for shrinking.”
“Doesn’t sound too hopeful,” said Johnny, “since I don’t think anyone’s ever shrunk before. At least, not on this planet. Still,” he added, “it’s worth a try.”
“Where are we going to find any science books?” asked Theodore. “The only place I can think of is the library, and we can’t possibly get there at our size!”
“My dear boy,” W.D. said, “you will learn some day that nothing is impossible. With faith, willpower, and a little bit of luck you can overcome anything.”
“Well,” Jenny said impatiently, “now would be a good time to start overcoming. We still haven’t figured out how to get any books. I agree with Theodore. We can’t get to the library. Even if it was possible, it would take us far too long. The nearest library is a good ten miles away, in Willowton. The one in the Big City is about twenty-five miles.”
“Actually,” Edgartina said suddenly, “there isn’t any need to go to a library at all.”
“There isn’t?” the others asked.
“No,” Edgartina said. “I used to work for a scientist, you see. When I left that job, he gave me a number of old books he didn’t want. They’re physics books, mostly. I’ve never really looked through them, so I don’t know if they have anything in them about shrinking or not, but it’s worth a try. My house isn’t far from here at all. It’s just across the field.”
The others agreed that it was the best suggestion anyone could think of. They made their way toward Johnny’s back door, carefully avoiding the large pieces of junk that decorated the floor. Once, W.D. stopped and looked oddly at a crumpled piece of paper.
“Hey,” he started to say. “Isn’t that my bill?”
Rather than answering, Johnny made a great show out of herding everyone out the door. Just before they stepped outside, Theodore saw Johnny give W.D. a sheepish smile.
Outside, the world was even more foreboding. The field, which they had always considered to be of a reasonably medium size, looked like a monstrous ocean of grass. It rippled in graceful waves as the breeze blew through. There was no end in sight.
Taking a deep breath, Johnny jumped down off of his back step and led the way into the great unknown.
The companions marched single-file through the jungle of grass and weeds, every now and then staring up in awe at a spectacular wildflower or oddly-shaped shrub, or apprehensively watching a hole that could belong to a mouse or snake. Theodore had never known that a field could be so fascinating.
They watched an occasional ant crawl by, and once an enormous grasshopper landed directly in front of them. It stared at them for a minute before leaping away into the wild blue yonder. The insects startled the companions, but they quickly learned not to fear the creatures. The insects took no notice of the humans at all.
Once they came across a spider web, shimmering iridescently in the sun. It appeared to be newly made, and Theodore couldn’t remember when he’d seen anything quite so beautiful. Another time a butterfly flew over their heads, and they were treated to a magnificent view of the creature’s wings.
The walk was long, but the ground was fairly level and the splendour of their surroundings kept the companions from getting too tired. They occasionally stopped to rest, laying on their backs on flower petals that had fallen and gazing up through the grass to the sun.
After hours of walking, the grass began to get shorter and they started to come across bits of trash littering the field. Johnny, who had certainly never minded junk before, had a curiously angry expression on his face when he saw the litter. Finally, the tiny travelers left the field all together, and stepped out onto the river of concrete that was the street Edgartina lived on.
Theodore was struck with the contrast. It was as if they had just left an oasis and stepped into a desert. But this was a desert unlike anything natural; there was nothing living here except for a line of ants who were resolutely trooping their way back to the field. Looking right and left, the companions started their trek across the road.
About halfway across, they felt the ground begin to rumble, and heard a terrible noise coming from down the road. With a shout, Johnny huddled the friends together in one spot. They closed their eyes and clenched their teeth fearfully. There was a rush of air and a horrible sound, and the car was driving directly over them. Theodore opened his eyes a crack, but all he could make out was a blur of metal and rubber all around them. After a moment that seemed like forever, the car passed, and the much-shaken friends continued on their journey.
A little while longer, and the road was behind them. They crossed the sidewalk and walked up to Edgartina’s front door. As usual, only the screen door was shut, but the screen was too high up for any of the little people to see inside. Close inspection revealed that the crack under the door was just big enough for them to squeeze under.
One by one, they squirmed their way into the house.
* * *
Sub-Captain Crawkid of the good ship Green Gallop, of the Royal Yenoolian Space-Fleet, was unhappy. Of all the ships he could have been assigned to, why did he have to end up on this one? He had disliked this ship from the moment he set eyes on it. For one thing, it was hopelessly old-fashioned. For another thing, it had a long history of mishaps.
This latest mission had only added to the list. First there was that crash landing in the field. They had been unable to repair the damage to the ship’s engine before that boy came and picked them up. Picked them up! A ship in the Royal Fleet, treated like a common toy! It was true that the shrunken state of the ship made it quite possible for such a misunderstanding to come about, but unfortunately they didn’t have much of a choice about the shrinking. How else were they supposed to get in and out of this planet without being seen? Of course, they’d already been foiled in that.
Then there were those other people. One of the crew had managed to shrink two of them, but he was disarmed before he could finish the job. And then they were tossed back into that pocket again! Fortune seemed to smile on them then, and they managed to shrink three more people. But no sooner was that done than a huge bird came and rescued the would-be captives.
Despite all of Prime Minister Felcop’s dire predictions of what would happen should the expedition get involved with earthlings, these five couldn’t be permitted to get away. They’d report the ship, and who knew what would happen? The whole mission might be ruined.
Yes, Sub-Captain Crawkid was unhappy. But he was absolutely resolved about one thing. There would be no more mistakes on this mission, if he had to throw body and soul into keeping them from happening.
* * *
Balfour was facing a dilemma. He and Breck had been out walking with their beloved master, Theodore, when Theodore had decided to leave them out on the sidewalk to wait for his return. Well, they’d been waiting for hours and Theodore still hadn’t come back. Seeing as it was getting near time for Theodore to feed his dogs, Balfour had finally decided to look in the window and see what was keeping his master. But when he looked in, there was no one there! So his dilemma was this: should he and Breck keep waiting, or should they try and find their master?
After giving it as much thought as a Scottish deerhound is capable of, Balfour decided that they would go look for their master. Maybe they would find some dinner along the way.
The house of Edgartina Richards, as seen from the floor, was a much different spectacle than that of Johnny Bellmont. The white carpets boasted a cleanliness reminiscent of a hospital. The hardwood floor in the dining room was polished until it was possible to see one’s reflection in it. And the tiles in the kitchen and bathroom positively shined.
The furniture was so well-kept that it gave the impression of being brand new, though Edgartina had had it for years. Everything was as meticulously clean as it could possibly be. The house was a monument to the power of good housekeeping. It was so clean, in fact, that Theodore could not help feeling that they were somehow making a mess just by being there.
Jenny, Johnny, and W.D. looked around them with unsuppressed amazement. Theodore, having been in Edgartina’s house before, wasn’t quite so impressed as the others. Edgartina looked extremely pleased.
After a moment of silence as they became acquainted with their new surroundings, the companions remembered their mission.
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