First Time Parents Survival Guide To Avoid Unnecessary And Wild Spending
It Begins
Like most parents to be, Linda and I had the excitement of two kids waiting to open all the holiday presents. Having a baby was a huge decision but one both of us welcomed with tremendous enthusiasm. Linda always wanted to be a mother and I always wanted to be a father. We didn’t sit down one day and plan out when she would be pregnant; instead we just agreed to start a family.
Linda is a gentle woman (not to be confused with her strength when she makes up her mind) who adores every baby she has ever seen. She has a way of nurturing a smile from these little critters. Every time I saw her hold a baby I would smile, thinking someday it would be our baby she would be holding.
I’m a softy when it comes to kids. You know, the type of adult who goes to a party and winds up playing with the kids instead of socializing with the adults. I also had a dream that one day I would be able to go skiing with my wife and kids. I am really looking forward to that and many other joyful activities to do with my family.
One day we found ourselves on vacation in the hot sun reading about what it would be like to be pregnant and what the nine months meant in terms of the baby’s development from conception to full-term delivery. We began a long process of sorting through the endless amount of information that was available to us. One common feeling among new parents is what a miracle the birth process is.
One day Linda came home with an ear-to-ear smile. “Hi, honey, I have a surprise for you,” she said in that sweet voice I have always loved.
“Really? What is it?”
“I’m pregnant.”
That thump you heard was my body crashing to the floor. Looking up at her smiling face, I mustered the most profound response I could: “Great.”
That’s how most scenarios go when it comes to pregnancy. It wasn’t really that way for us since we planned on having children right after we got married. Granted, we didn’t know what to expect, but at least we were in total agreement that this was what we wanted.
Linda always told me that she wanted to have five children. I wanted one or two. We eventually agreed to see how the first pregnancy and birth went before deciding whether to have another. Deep down, we both yearned to have at least one child of each sex.
Looking back at that moment, it almost seems as if we were in a dream state because we really didn’t know where this new development was going to take us. Okay, you might say, how about reading up on the subject? On the surface that seems like a good starting place, and it was. We started our research with books that other parents recommended. We soon discovered that there was an overwhelming amount of information about having a baby: what to expect, nutrition, what the baby looks like each minute as it develops in the womb, what the father’s role is during pregnancy, the various classes for exercising, Zen and the art of birthing, underwater birthing, hospital versus at-home births, your baby and you, breast feeding, your baby’s first year, after the first year, the next five years, planning your child’s education fund at birth, fear and loathing inside the parent’s mind, how to cope with a colicky baby, smoking during
pregnancy, drinking during pregnancy, and being a good parent means loving your child. That one brought a hearty chuckle when I was in the store. What a wonderful world it would be if loving your child guaranteed you good-parent status. Obviously, there is more to it than that. We soon realized there were about ten zillion topics related to the child who was about to change what we used to call a “lifestyle.”
And there’s plenty more confusion where that came from. Now comes the fun part. You start to look through magazines, catalogs and stores, and watch TV for the things that you think you will need for the baby. There must be hundreds of magazines and catalogs for such items, and all it takes is one magazine subscription to put the miracle of baby marketing into motion. Don’t be surprised when a huge truck pulls in front of your house and delivers that one magazine you ordered, along with twelve million other catalogs you never heard of, offering you all the things that you need for your first baby, and quite a bit that you don’t. Forget morning sickness: We became dizzy just walking back from the mailbox. Then, to add to the glorious confusion, people who have never had kids are most willing to offer their opinions because they are your friends and want to share in the excitement. It actually is a fun part, but it can become way too much to think about.
So, there we are with no room to live because of all the catalogs, magazines and books trying to make sense of an information overload of monumental proportions, and realizing all this stuff is going to cost beaucoup bucks.
How Much?
When it comes to the household budget, Linda wields the family checkbook with the skill of Samurai warrior. With Linda as our financial shepherd, we’ve never wandered into the valley of debt. But then, we’d never had to buy for a baby either.
One day, Linda showed me a list of what she thought we needed for our baby. It was five pages of stuff totaling approximately
$5,000, and of course, like any good husband, I freaked out. “Are you out of your mind? I’m not going to spend this kind of money on someone I don’t even know!” As if fully prepared for my retort, Linda replied, “Okay, if you are so clever, since you have never had a baby either, what don’t we need?” I froze like a deer in front of headlights. I looked at the pile of catalogs, then at her, back to the pile, then back at her. She had me dead in the water. If I said the wrong thing now, bingo, I’ve lost five grand. After all, let’s not lose perspective; I am dealing with a pregnant woman with a very strong will and plenty of determination. “Stay cool,” I said to myself as the words were forming in my head. I considered throwing myself on the floor and faking a seizure; no, that may upset her and the baby, let alone if she ever found out I was faking. Okay, okay, okay ... um, what to do? Think, think - I was doing Winnie the Pooh before I owned the entire collection ... But that’s another story.
“I’VE GOT IT!” blurted out of my mouth. She looked at me, waiting. I took a deep breath and laid out my plan. I reminded Linda
that we had been to loads of bookstores and found all the possible books on the subject of pregnancy and every topic relating to “Your First Baby.” But what we could never find was any type of guide on what you really need before the baby is born and why you need it. We discovered tons of catalogs offering all the choices, but no guide that plainly addressed the first-time parents’ true needs.
“So, we have only one choice,” I explained. “We have to search for our own answers.” That ultimately led to the writing of this book.
The Search for Answers
What we decided to do was to seek some practical solutions by calling and inviting six friends (who had recently had children) to lunch. We explained that the purpose of the lunch was not to have one mother pitted against another but rather to seek information as “soon-to-be” new parents and explore a wide variety of options. Essentially, there were no right or wrong answers. We wanted to make better decisions and at the same time stay out of the poorhouse.
All the mothers responded with enthusiasm to this request and came well prepared. We asked a question and each mother in turn would give us her opinion about that subject. This way, Linda and I would have six options. It made complete sense to us, and the result was we got some great and practical ideas.
The Purpose – Make a List
Linda and I thought long and hard about what our needs were for our first child, and we became overwhelmed by opinions, books and magazines. We also knew that there were limitless ways to be prepared for our first child. As I mentioned earlier, we made a list and then asked questions.
TRY THIS, PLEASE:
Before we continue, we’d like to ask you and your spouse to take a few moments to make a list of all the things that you think you are going to need for your baby. Really take time to make a complete list; this is a very important step in the process. When you are finished, add up the cost of everything on your list. We think you will be amazed at how much money you will save after you read this book. It is not just our opinion but also the opinion of the hundreds of people with whom we discussed the topics in this book. Having a baby is the happiest day of a parent’s life and shouldn’t have to cost a small fortune.
Take some time to write your list below. Then, add up the cost of everything on your list. Once you have finished reading this book come back to this page and see how much you are going to save.
Now What?
Here’s hoping you did the simple exercise and have a working list of some, if not all, of the things you think you will need.
Our initial $5,000 list ultimately came down to approximately $500.00. What we discovered as new parents was that we would have bought things for our baby through its 25th birthday. We were overwhelmed by all the “cute” things that can be bought for a baby as well as things you “think” you will need... (Hey, fathers, did you read what I just wrote? $5,000 to $500).
For example, people who are health conscious and want to continue a workout routine usually have the jogging stroller on their list. Now, I don’t know about you, but we have never met or heard of a woman who, after giving birth, wakes up the next morning and says, “Hey, honey, looks like a nice day for a jog. Lets take the baby.” Eventually, you may want to purchase this type of equipment, but it is not a necessity just yet. Remember, we are presenting items that are really needed.
A very important discovery we made during the luncheon was that our needs and “supposed needs” were rapidly changing to more practical and less guilt driven. Guilt is a funny thing. Most new parents we spoke with felt a little concerned that they couldn’t afford the things other parents could for their baby. We are here to tell you that no matter how little money you have, those fears are largely baseless.
This book will show you why.
We truly hope you will use this as a guide for your own particular lifestyle, take the frustration and fear out of what you need, and even turn this part of having a baby into a joy instead of a financial burden. Having a baby is a miracle, and the practical aspect of finance affects most of us. This is one way of helping you through that moment and enjoying the miracle that is on its way to you both.
Our friend Gayle was pregnant for the first time and struggling with these same issues. Linda and I told her what we did to reduce our stress. As a gift, we decided to have another luncheon for Gayle. We invited a different group of mothers to see if their reactions to our questions, as well as the questions Gayle would ask, would be similar to what we experienced at our first luncheon.
Since Linda and I had already been through this process, we guided the luncheon by presenting questions similar to those we had raised when we were first time parents to be.
The Luncheon
for
Gayle
John Okay! Thank you all for taking the time to meet with our friend Gayle. We have a list of questions to ask and are seeking the variety of answers you will offer. As we mentioned when we called all of you on the phone, we have invited you out to lunch because you are very experienced mothers.
Linda I’m just going to point out one little thing now so Gayle will understand better what we’re saying. When we first began talking to couples with children (before our luncheon), I asked a few mothers some simple questions, such as, “We’re going to buy the kid a couple of T-shirts. How many do you think we need?” One mother said, “Well, it depends on how much you like to do laundry.” Another mother said, “You know what, before you buy T-shirts, always make sure they have snaps; gowns with snaps.” John said, “What’s the big deal?” After she stopped laughing she said, “At 3 o’clock in the morning you don’t want to start undressing a kid and wake him up. You just want snap, snap, snap, change the diaper, snap, snap, snap, and you’re done. Baby and you go quietly back to sleep.” Now, to mothers who have had children or who have
done some research, that seems elementary. We were surprised at how much got by us on that simple level.
Diane Um-hmmm.
John Our $5,000 list ultimately cost us around $500. What we discovered was there were plenty of things we really didn’t need. Our needs began changing with more information. We became more educated and made better decisions for our lifestyle. Let me think of an example.
Linda Well, I know what a perfect example is. The carrier.
John I’m talking here.
Linda I’m sorry, were you saying something?
(Giggles)
John You want to just jump right in front of me?
Linda Okay, since you insist. Marie Pierre, a very close friend, and I were talking on the phone one day. I told her that I was thinking of buying a papoose – you know those things you carry the baby in? She said, “Oh, I have one of those; we never use it. I think Marty (her husband) used it three times.” Then another friend said, “I couldn’t live without that. I used it all the time around the house and especially when I needed two hands.”
John Laura, one of our friends, said, “And by the way, don’t buy one.” I said, “Why not?” She said, because she has one and doesn’t need it any more. So, why let it go to
waste? Borrowing is not a bad thing. Borrowing means you get to experiment with a lot of stuff and see what you and your child’s needs are. Also, after the first three months, you will have a child that will tell you its needs. We also discovered from other parents that it is vastly different with a second and the third child; each child will react differently to some of the items that you might try. I talked to one group of parents who said to me, “You know, we were so poor we could not afford the money to get a bassinet, and a frame with the wheels, and all the fancy frills.” I asked, “So, what’d you do?” She said, “We took out one of our dresser drawers, and we used that.”
Leslie Did you talk to my parents?
(Laughter)
John How did you know, Leslie? And they put the child in the dresser, and the kid was happy. Well, look at Leslie: She’s well.
Leslie My mom and dad did it. They got a drawer and put a blanket in there, and it worked perfectly.
(Laughter)
Begin to keep track of items you can drop from your list.
Cloth Or Disposable:
’Tis The Question!
John Linda and I had this wonderful debate about cloth versus disposable diapers. I was 100% in favor of disposable. She wouldn’t hear of it. “Our child is not going to wear that. We’re going to have cloth. Our kid’s not.” “Fine,” I interrupted. “You change the diapers during the day with cloth. I’m going to get the disposable type so when it’s my turn at night, I’m up and 32 seconds later I’m done and back asleep.”
Linda We learned that the disposables don’t leak as badly as the cloth. Diane, did you ever try cloth diapers?
Diane No.
John They leak.
Linda As soon as they are wet, you have to change them.
Leslie Have you changed your mind, Linda?
John Are you kidding?
(Laughter)
John After the second week, she said to me, “Dump the service!”
(Laughter)
Linda It’s true.
Gayle I was worried about that.
John Well, I’ll tell you an interesting fact about that. We were concerned about the environment and the impact of plastic and all that. We discovered it takes a lot more water to clean diapers every week than using disposable. However, if your mind is set on cloth, give it a try. The thing that we ultimately came down to, and I’m not trying to gross anyone out, is, we didn’t want our child’s diapers floating around with some other kids’ diapers in the wash. I don’t know enough about bacteria and at what temperature services clean diapers, so it was more a personal-hygiene issue for me. We went to the disposable for ease and comfort for our baby and us. Before I continue with our list, does anyone have any comments or questions about cloth versus disposable diapers?
Diane Well, as far as cost goes, I was looking at cloth diapers, and I think you get about a hundred diapers a week. But you absolutely have to change them the minute they get wet. So, you’re going to go through far more cloth
diapers than you are with the disposable. I was figuring out that disposable diapers would be cheaper than the cloth ones.
Linda It seemed that way to us. Also, at night, you definitely want the disposable.
Diane Oh, yeah!
Linda And when you go out visiting friends and family, or anywhere with the baby for that matter, you’ll want disposables.
Diane If you really want to use cloth diapers, an option is that you could buy those plastic pants. But I think that it would be uncomfortable for the baby to wear plastic pants.
Linda And they tend to get a lot of diaper rashes.
John They will sweat because of the plastic.
Gayle I’m sold on the disposable! Oh, good, I can check that one off my list.
(Laughter)
John Now let me ask you something, Gayle. Since you said that you are considering cloth …
Gayle I was! But not any more.
John Okay, but what was your reason for considering cloth diapers?
Gayle Um, I just thought, cotton is better than the plastic against the skin, which was my first reaction. That was probably the only reason.
John So do you feel you just got educated and would save some money?
Gayle Oh, yeah, definitely.
Linda The diaper service isn’t really a bad thing, just more work.
Gayle Oh, I’m not totally against the plastic ones at all. I just thought, what would I do for my own child? I mean, when I would baby-sit or look after other people’s children I didn’t care what they used, but now I care!
(Giggles)
Disposable Diapers? What Brand?
Please note: In this section we will refer to brand names as “X” and “Y.” We do not want our opinion to influence what might work better for your family. Remember, try different product samples and see what is right for you and baby.
Stephanie You know what, though? What I know about diapers is that a particular brand works better for different babies. It just depends on the baby. Like, my daughter could not wear Brand X. The padding would split right in the butt, and it was just a mess, and I was miserable for that entire package.
John So what did you use?
Stephanie I used Brand Y.
John We’re a Brand Y family also.
Stephanie Us too!
John I never thought I’d hear myself say that.
(Laughter)
Diane I have friends who swear by Brand X.
Linda Get a few packages of the little newborns.
Gayle Because?
Linda Just so that you have one or two packages, maybe one of each brand. What we went through was ... if this is a boy, you know, boys pee in the front. So we thought we would try the diapers they give in the hospital, and of course people give you packs of diapers, so try those. That way, they don’t cost anything. Then I bought the brand that worked the best for that baby.
John You want to do your husband a great service?
(Linda laughing)
Linda What?
Leslie All husbands are cheap!
John We’re not cheap. We just like to look after being able to allocate money toward our wives shopping, for something nice for themselves.
(All Laugh) Ooooooooh!
Linda Women cannot help shopping! It’s in our nature. Especially after you have kids. Any questions, honey?
John No, dear. (Smiling) Well, what I would suggest to
husbands-to-be with the baby-diaper stuff is, make a list of all the diapers they have available, call their corporate offices, and ask if they would send samples, because you’re about to have your first baby and you don’t know which diaper is better.
Gayle Now that’s a very good idea.
John I’ll bet you every diaper manufacturer will send you some free samples. It will give your husband something to do, and he’ll feel that he’s participating!
Gayle Oh, he’ll love that!
John Free diapers! And you will get to try them all. Please keep in mind that they’re not going to send you a truckload, but they will send you two or three.
Linda Right. And you can try the different brands to see which one works best for your baby and you.
John As one of you said, you put the Brand X, on and it fell apart, so you went to Brand Y. This way, the research is free.
Gayle It’s a very good idea.
John Hey, and you thought this was just going to be one of those boring lunches. No way!
Diane Do you think it’s the particular body shape?
Stephanie I don’t know what it is, but my friend swears by Brand X. But I know I couldn’t put them on my daughter.
Leslie I like the Brand Y. I think they have more elastic and they seal better.
Diaper Pails
John Let’s go on to the diaper pail for disposable diapers. That seems to be an important and necessary item. There are a variety of them out there. Some look like garbage cans with covers, others are simple plastic bag types, and some are molded plastic containers with a continuous plastic cassette inside for enclosing the soiled diaper. Each one has its advantages and disadvantages, but some type is essential. Opinions?
Leslie Well, in my opinion, they all stink. I mean, I don’t think you can get away from that type of an odor.
Linda What worked really well for us was a diaper pail that comes with a very long plastic container to put the soiled diapers into. We found the odor is very little.
Nicole Is that the one where you push a diaper in and then twist to seal?
John Yes.
Stephanie It was a pain in the neck for me. I had a foot one, which I liked a lot. I just stepped on it with my foot and threw the diaper into it.
Leslie What about odor?
Stephanie Well, that was a bit of a problem. I tried to stay out of the way when I opened it to throw the diaper in. I would empty it every day.
John They’re certainly easier than the one we used. I do think it is case sensitive. No matter what you start out with and get used to, that will be the one you probably will stay with.
Linda Also, remember there is no right or wrong here. This is meant to show some of the options to guide new parents into better-informed decisions.
John For me, I wound up putting the diapers in our pail because I couldn’t stand them lying around. Also, when we had a pail type, every time that pail opened I almost lost my lunch.
Nicole Sounds familiar.
John I couldn’t handle the smell.
Diane Well, I have to confess that I would put the BM diapers in the diaper pail and then I would run them outside in a hurry.
(Laughter)
John So, if you want to save money, you could put a diaper in a plastic grocery bag, seal it, and put it in your outside trash can.
Diane I saved a lot of money that way. Keep in mind that after you purchase a diaper pail, you also need some type of liners. It adds up quickly.
What are some of your ideas about cloth vs. disposable diapers? List the pros and cons for each.
PROS CONS
What Do They Wear?
John I’d like to lump a few items together here. The items are T-shirts, nightgowns, stretch suits, sweaters, socks, booties, and caps for the baby.
Diane Onesies and that’s it, pretty much!
Linda I agree, forget the nightgowns and the nighties. Onesies are definitely a hit.
John Okay, let’s go around the table and discover what this is about. Here’s the question: What do you think about T-shirts, nightgowns, stretch suits, sweaters, socks, booties, and caps?
Diane Stretch suits are one-piece pajamas and they are great.
John Right. I’d like to know how many you feel would be sufficient as a starter kit. And the pros and cons of not
having or having, or if you think it’s all worthless. Nicole, why don’t you start?
Nicole Okay, I like the Onesies and the sleeper stretch things. Pretty much, the T-shirts creep up, the nightgown creeps up, and the booties fall off.
(Laughter)
Nicole The hat thing, forget it!
(Laughter)
Leslie Unless you live in the Midwest.
Linda And how many do you need?
Nicole Onesies, we have six. You may use two during the day and have three more for sleeping.
John Because you use them more?
Nicole Well, those are for night. I use Onesies every day under clothes. I put on a Onesie, and then I would dress him in a shirt and pants. That way they’re always warm and seem comfortable.