You
Only Lie Twice: The early adventures of Thomas Hoodwinkle and Bill
Jacque
s-Pierre.
by
M Howorth
Copyright © Matthew Howorth 2012
Smashwords Edition
SCENE 1. SPAIN. COURT OF KING PHILIP II.
The royal court of the King of Spain. Courtiers are frantically rushing around in anticipation of the king arriving. Cue fanfare music as Philip prepares to walk on stage.
Miguel
All rise for his grace, el campione of the Catholic world, el guardiano of the one true religion, the king of Spain, God’s buono servant, his royal highness, King Philip!
Much cheering and waving as Philip walks onto stage. (ENTER CENTRE)
philip
Gracias, gracias, my obedient minions, that is, my loyal subjects. What is on the agenda today, Miguel?
miguel
There are a few items for your royal attention sire. First of all, there is the decree from parliament that needs...er...requests your approval, your grace.
Philip signs with a flourish, without looking at it.
philip
Si, si. Anything else?
miguel
And there is an important message from your wife, sire.
philip
Oh no, has something terrible happened?
miguel
Oh no, your grace. She requests the following, and I quote...(he reads from a note) ‘...please pick up half a dozen eggs and a nice bit of meat from the butchers. We’re having senor Gomez over for dinner and you know what a gossip his wife is! I’m not having her say we used a cheap cut in the casserole! You are king, after all...’
philip
Yes, yes, of course. Six eggs and a nice piece of veal. Ok, is that it?
miguel
Er...there is one more matter, sire, but we can look at this tomorrow perhaps, after your successful night entertaining senor and senora Gomesh...
philip
What is it, man? And be quick about it, or I’ll make your guts for garters and make you wear them!
miguel
It’s that woman again, sire, Elizabeth, so called queen of England...she’s gone and done something else...
philip
Oh come now, what’s Queen Elizabeth ever done to us?
miguel
She’s only gone and executed Maria, Queen of Scotland.
philip
What??!! She has gone and killed her own cousin, a catholic queen no less! And, lest we forget, we are the most powerful catholic nation, and she was one of us! Right! Revenge it shall be! But wait, did you ever meet Maria of Scotland?
miguel
No, sire, I did not.
philip
Well, I did! Scottish? She sounded French! Good riddance, I say! So apart from executing a catholic queen, what’s Elizabeth ever done to us?
miguel
Well, if your grace will cast his powerful mind back just a few years hence, she er...declined your hand in holy matrimony.
philip
Yes, she refused my hand in marriage! MY hand! Look at it! Have you ever seen a finer hand? (waving his hand around, with mutterings of ‘no, your grace’) How dare she! But then again, her father wasn’t exactly blessed with too many wedding anniversaries, God rest his soul (they all make sign of cross) so I may have had a lucky escape. But apart from killing a catholic queen and refusing to marry me, what has Elizabeth ever done to us?
cardinal cerveza
(stamping his staff)
She is a heretic! She changed her country away from the chosen faith and embraced the teachings of that lunatic Luther!
philip
Ok, so she goes and makes a country protestant that has been traditionally catholic for hundreds of years! Not even her mad father did that! God rest his soul...(they all mutter and signal the sign of the cross) But apart from killing a catholic queen, refusing to marry me and repelling catholicism, what has Elizabeth ever done to us?
santa cruz
She commissioned those pirates Drake and Hawkins to steal what I have rightfully stolen from the primitive natives in what is now South America! Jewels, pearls, diamonds, slaves, mysterious spherical objects made from leather...
miguel
Apparently they were seen kicking it about in a most unruly fashion on deck, your grace...
philip
Ha! Such a sport will never catch on!
miguel
Quite, your lordship...
philip
But apart from killing a catholic queen, refusing to marry me, repelling catholicism and stealing my plundered loot, what has Elizabeth ever done to us?
Duke of parma
She has sent over military aid, mercenaries and supplies, to help the Dutch rebels fight against us in the Netherlands!
miguel
And it’s nothing to do with England, if we want to subjugate a protestant country right on their doorstep. Empire-building is all the rage these days, I doubt England will ever catch on!
DUKe of parma
Sire, the Dutch are revolting...
santa cruz
They certainly are!
duke of parma
...they are revolting against us and their forces are bolstered by this woman meddling in the military affairs of men.
philip
But apart from killing a catholic queen, refusing to marry me, repelling catholicism...er...
miguel
...stealing your treasure...
philip
...stealing my plundered loot, assisting the wretched Dutch and anything else I’ve forgotten, what has Elizabeth ever done to us?
His ministers all think, scratch their heads, look at each other etc A moment of awkward silence is punctured by a wailing man staggering onto the stage(ENTER LEFT) dressed in bright clothes and holding a guitar. It is Ricky Martino, the famous Spanish musician.
ricky martino
Ahhhhhhhh!
miguel
You are in the presence of the king!
ricky martino
Ahhhhhhhh! ...your grace!
miguel
That’s better. What ails thee, Ricky Martino, famous Catalan musician and suggestive dancer? How was your trip to England?
RIcky martino
Muchos terriblo! The queen, she laughed!
philip
(surprise)
Whaaaaaaaat?!
ricky martino
Si! I went there to perform my new song, ‘La vida loca’, with the English translation Senor Miguel did for me, and they all laughed!
(he starts to sing)
“She’ll make you chase the hamster while it dances in the rain, she’ll hide your favourite codpiece and then try to pass the blame, as you start to go insane! Get the badger out! We’re living la vida loca! Watch it sing and shout! It’s living la vida loca! Join with me this song, we’re living la vida loca, it goes on and on, living la vida loca!”
philip
How dare she! But what could have caused such mirth? I trust it was an accurate translation from the original Spanish language, about a beautiful senorita?
miguel
Si, my kingship, perfecto. I did it myself, from the original lyrics by senor Martino. But not having the subtleties of our fine language, some of it may have been...um...lost when translating to their primitive tongue...
philip
(walking to and fro)
It is one thing to kill a catholic queen and refuse to marry me. The stealing of treasure I can understand. Changing religion, she has her reasons. Even helping the Dutch cause I could forgive. But making a mockery of Ricky Martino, the finest musician in the world, ever? No! This I will not brook!
ricky martino
I even showed her my famous dance and they fell on their backs laughing with their legs in the air...
(he dances badly)
philip
(with authority)
Enough! All hear this! For making a mockery of Ricky Martino, a Spanish national treasure, the heretic Elizabeth and her funny shaped country, with its fondness for queueing and flat brown bitter, are now at war with Spain!
Much cheering and pumping arms
They like to laugh? Let’s see how they laugh when we turn their rivers red!
santa cruz
What, with the finest Spanish Rioja?
philip
With their blood! They like to queue? Let them queue up to be hung, drawn, and quartered!
JOSE
(whispering)
You think they’ll queue up for that?
JOse b
Sure! The English just love queueing! They queue for anything!
philip
I shall descend upon them like a plague of flesh-eating locusts! I shall teach them what it means to cross me! That woman DARES to madden me! She is a deadly canker in the body politic and I shall have it out!
miguel
What shall be done, your highness?
duke of parma
Shall I mobilise our army, your grace?
philip
Not just yet, Parma.
Santa cruz
Shall I assemble a mighty fleet, sire?
philip
Hmmm...maybe...start getting it ready in, let’s say, Cadiz. It’ll be safe there from that pirate Drake! But in the meantime, I have something more cunning planned...
jose
How cunning, your kingliness?
philip
As cunning as a one-legged blind mongoose who’s just been awarded champion snake-killer for the third year running!
Jose B
Now that’s cunning!
philip
Miguel!
miguel
Sire.
philip
Send for el secreto agento numero uno!
miguel
Fetch him!
Jose runs off stage and a second later, runs back on.
jose
He’s just coming...he likes to let it build up a bit...
Sinister music as a mysterious figure walks in and gets onto one knee before Philip.
philip
You have a new mission. You will go to England. You will infiltrate the royal court.
(pause)
And you will KILL QUEEN ELIZABETH!
Cue dramatic music as the mysterious figure bows, then turns and runs off stage.
scene 2. England. a london street.
A young man is pacing up and down, looking nervous. His friend is calmly eating an apple, oblivious to his worry. At the far end of the stage, there is a forlorn looking beggar in rags.
thomas
Ok, let’s go over this one more time.
bill
You said that two hours ago and are still not ready?
thomas
This is important! I’ll only get one shot at this, so I’ve got to get it right! Right, you be Elsbeth and I’ll be me.
bill
I’m always the woman. Why can’t I be the bloke for once?
thomas
Because I’m the bloke! It’s me who has to speak to her!
bill
Yeah, but you’ve mucked it up every time so far!
thomas
Rubbish!
old tom
Spare some change, squire?
thomas
Sorry, I’m a bit short myself at the moment.
OLD TOM
I bin wounded ‘orribly, mangled and left to rot on the streets...me legs are useless, ‘aven’t been able to walk since the war! Stuck on this ‘ere floor, unable to move, day after day!
bill
Oh boo-hoo. You’re interrupting an important conversation and smell like a privy to boot.
old tom
But pity poor Tom!
bill
Not at all. You’re a wastrel and a scoundrel and you don’t look particularly wounded to me.
old tom
Poor Tom’s a cold!
bill
Well perhaps ‘poor Tom’ shouldn’t be sat on the streets of London in the middle of December with nothing but a tatty shirt, soiled breeches and no shoes. Now hush or I shall be forced to thrash you and send you on your way!
old tom
Right you are squire, sorry!
bill
(to Thomas)
Ok, as I was saying, the first time, you asked me ‘if I came here often’. I don’t even know what that means! Literally, figuratively, what? And what’s she supposed to say? Yes I do come here often, twice a day apart from weekends when I try to come here seven times? What kind of a line is that?
thomas
Er...I thought it was traditional...
bill
Or here’s another. ‘That’s a nice blouse you’re wearing’ but I’m not wearing a blouse, I’m wearing a dress, or a skirt, or a frock. In fact, anything apart from a blouse! Will you even look to see what she is wearing?