Things Not To Do Or Say To Your Pregnant Wife
By Jerald Wilkins
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Jerald Wilkins
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Table Of Contents
Chapter 2 - Life, It Is A Changin’
Chapter 3 - Guard Your Fridges
Chapter 6 - The Final Countdown
Introduction
There are books for most every aspect of pregnancy and raising a child. I have a pretty good grasp of common sense and understand the human psyche well enough to have believed I could get through without books like, ‘What to Expect When Your Expecting’, ‘Understanding Your Toddler’, and ‘Fatherhood for Dummies and Complete Jackasses’. What I didn’t realize, is that after many years of living the care free life of a bachelor in the Army with a globe to travel, it wasn’t what I did know that would make a difference, but rather the things that I shouldn’t do or say. Even with a large bank of experiences so far in life, I had a deficiency of the useful sort of knowledge when I stepped into the role of husband and father of a toddler. And the editor in my brain? Well it was of little use. These are the lessons I’ve learned the hard way, so you don’t have to:
I’m not gonna lie, there was more than once in my younger, wilder days when I got the ‘I think I’m knocked up’ scare and thought, “Please God, no. I’ll swear off women for a year, or at least a week.” Every time, I ended up owing the big guy a week. Now, when my wife told me she was late, after my first response of, “What’s new?” and upon realizing what she meant, I tried to buy every pregnancy test in the store.
I waited outside the bathroom and cursed the bastard who invented the damn thing and made me wait an extra two minutes. I half expected Amanda to walk out with a baby boy already delivered and ready to go to college. (My mind can carry on a long way in two minutes.) Patience, I found, was the least of many lessons to come.
That first test said I was to be a daddy. Well, actually it said “plus sign” but I triple checked the instructions and the translation was that there was a mini me on the way to world. My brain hadn’t quite caught up with this reality, and I found it hard to believe, so I did the sensible thing. There were three tests in each box, so let’s just go best two out of three. It was at this time, only moments into the pregnancy, that I discovered the first thing to not do or say to your pregnant wife:
Things Not To Do Or Say To Your Pregnant Wife #1: The proper response to “Honey, I’m pregnant” is NOT “Can you pee again and make sure?”
Lucky for me, my wife is a very patient woman, and has a good bladder. The second test confirmed the first, but hey, there are 3 per box and I am not one to waste. Bright and early the next morning, both my wife and three little white sticks are telling me to accept fate. Then, I got to thinking, something I should have no right doing, “What if the box was full of lying tests?” It would make sense that if there was a fault in the production process, that three tests in a row could all be affected. I’m a planner, so I had already bought another box.
The fourth test blew my theory out of the water. At this point, my wife is carrying around a jug of water with her. I now needed proof that these things could say no. What if some jerk at the factory thought it would be funny to freak out a bunch of guys. Test #5 revealed two things: 1) The tests did have the ability to say no, and 2) I, at least, was not pregnant. I lined up Amanda’s four positives and my one negative on the kitchen counter like a little parade. I was proud and excited, and felt like it would be a jinx to throw them away.
Things Not To Do Or Say To Your Pregnant Wife #2: She won’t find the sanitary conditions suitable when you leave pee covered sticks on her breakfast counter for several days.
Within a couple weeks, Amanda was already ‘showing’. Not in the traditional upfront sort of way, but rather with emotions going into full blown war mode. The first sign of trouble coming was on a road trip. We borrowed my mom’s van, which conveniently had a DVD player in the back. Not so convenient was that the screen hung down and every time Amanda reached back, she’d hit her head on it. About the third time, I giggled. I got away with it… the van did not.
Things Not To Do Or Say To Your Pregnant Passenger #3: If you repeatedly hit her on the head, she will hit back.
We rode on in awkward silence for a bit. What is there to say when you’ve just witnessed the assault of an inanimate object?
A few days later, my immunity to outbursts expired. We were sleeping on a queen bed with a big hollowed out headboard. This was handy for storage, but I was always waking up with my head inside the storage area. I suggested maybe Amanda could scoot down so she could sleep on my arm without my head riding lumber all night. And while this seemed like a reasonable and well thought out solution to me, I was quickly learning that reason had packed its bags and checked out.
Things Not To Do Or Say To Your Pregnant Wife #4: If you suggest the problem is with the headboard, you’re going to find out that it’s an issue with your head, and removing your head would be a perfect solution.
Once again, life went on in awkward silence. With the threat of decapitation looming over me, the wood felt wonderfully comfortable now. I didn’t really think my beautiful, caring wife would cut off my head. At least, I didn’t believe it at first. The next morning Amanda dropped the cap to the milk carton down the drain. It was a perfect fit, and there was no way to get a hold of it for removal. I walked in, still thinking about my close call with the guillotine, to see Amanda grinning ear to ear and holding a steak knife. She jabbed the lid with a “HA” that would make Jackie Chan proud. She got the cap, and I got the hell out of the way.