NO CONTACT
Ending A Destructive Relationship
Penny L. Haider
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Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2008 Penny L. Haider
All Rights Reserved.
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This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author represents and warrants that she either owns or has the legal right to publish all material in this book.
Cover Photo Copyright 2008 JupiterImages Corporation. All rights reserved - used with permission.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 Why the Need for No Contact
Chapter 2 Getting Out of the Picture
Chapter 3 Keeping Your Cool While Staying Away ..
Chapter 4 Moving Forward…Alone for Awhile
Chapter 5 Processing the Loss and Making Changes
Chapter 7 Listening to Yourself
Chapter 8 But I Still Care about This Person
Chapter 10 Getting Back on the Horse
Chapter 11 In a Hurry for Love?
Traits Associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Resources for Getting Out of a Destructive Relationship
List of Chapters and Subsections
Disclaimer
Please seek the advice of a professional before making changes in your current situation. This book is based primarily on personal experiences. The author assumes no responsibility for any outcome of applying the information in this book. If you are in a violent relationship please call a domestic-abuse hotline.
Foreword
Making a life partner choice is the most important decision we ever make. Our health and happiness hinge on that one decision. The wrong choice can cost us financially, for sure, but more importantly, it can suck the life out of us, taking us up and down an emotional roller coaster, and playing havoc with our physical, mental, and spiritual health. The happiest people are the ones who are either single or are in a great relationship with a partner who values them. I used to make partner choices based on attraction and the man showing an interest. Sometimes I avoided approaching a potential partner out of fear of rejection. Too often I would wait for a man to approach me. If I had doubt about a particular partner, I tried hard to ignore it. I didn’t fully understand that consistently making good dating choices was critical to my overall personal health and happiness. I lived each day not really grasping the concept of being an independent thinking individual. I stayed busy going to school, working, and eventually raising children, but didn’t take enough time to care for and get to know myself. I lived my life according to what others thought was best and was validated by the approval I received from every other person in my life except me. I wasn’t able to associate the concept of red flags and boundaries into my personal situation consistently. If I suspected someone was violating one of my boundaries and wanted them in my life, I adjusted to the boundary violation in order to keep that particular person around. Even when I absolutely knew one of my boundaries had been violated, I often looked the other way.
When I was forty-six I left my nineteen year marriage after five years of counseling and a one and a half year divorce process. After the divorce was final ending contact with my ex-husband was difficult because my children wanted their dad to participate in some of our activities. My effort to accommodate them undermined me because I wasn’t developing clear boundaries. Within a month the contact with my ex-husband became minimal. I spoke to him over the phone regarding the children and their schedules, social activities, school functions, and parent meetings. The communication has remained this way.
Two years after my divorce I began dating. One person I was in a relationship with was an active alcoholic. It took me six months to fully see the alcoholism and once I did see it, I plunged into AlAnon. I was bound and determined to be the best girlfriend I could be to this man. It took me a long time to completely let go. Once I did, I examined my direction and the relationship choices I was making and realized I was in serious jeopardy of losing the ability to care for myself and my children as well as maintain viable employment. I forced myself to end the relationship. I ended communication by changing my cell phone number, unplugging my landline for several weeks, eventually changing my home phone number, and moving.
At the age of fifty-one I picked myself up and little by little changed the way I lived my life. I made more time to read about self-discovery, selfexamination, and relationships. I also took more time to be still and less time keeping busy. I believed that my being as busy as I had been played a major part in my inability to understand myself, my boundaries, and in turn, relate better to others. Once I took the time to think about what I needed and wanted I was able to retrain myself to take care of my needs. I realized that living a good life isn’t difficult but it does take self-discipline. I also learned I’m as important as other people and deserve to be treated as well as I would treat anyone else. What followed has been a blessing. I learned that my company is good company. I also learned I can say no to another person and feel okay with it. I can set a boundary and keep it. If they don’t like it and go away, I will survive and be just fine.
Sometimes we gravitate toward those who treat us the worst because we don’t believe we deserve better. If this is the case for you, the only way to realize you deserve to be treated well is to retrain yourself to expect respect. It requires knowing what you will and won’t accept from other people and firmly setting those boundaries. I used to think there was something defective about me because I didn’t get the respect I felt I deserved. I didn’t realize I was training people to treat me poorly. I had weak boundaries and would often feel guilty if I did stand up and tell people what I wanted. I thought that being a person with boundaries was too rigid. I didn’t understand that knowing what I would and wouldn’t accept gave me the boundaries I needed to live life successfully. I believed that standing up for myself and expecting better behavior was a sure way to push everyone away. I felt it was best to be nice and keep smiling no matter what. Consequently, I put the needs and wants of others ahead of my own.
This book is intended to be used as a source by those who are leaving or plan to leave a destructive relationship. I am not a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker. I am a woman who has experienced years of partner abuse and wants to help others.
If you are considering leaving your current partner, it is necessary for your safety and well being to have a plan of action, and to check it out with those you trust and/or a licensed mental health specialist. If the possibility exists that you are putting yourself in danger, direction from law enforcement officials may also be necessary.
None of us need to be in a partnership with another person. It isn’t absolutely necessary though it is wonderful to have someone to share life with. A destructive relationship leaves you feeling drained and with the belief your needs aren’t important. You end up viewing relationships as a lot of hard work with little joy. You spend your time adapting to the needs of others and placing yourself in uncomfortable and/or risky situations on a regular basis. You might be taking part in a lot of game playing to prove your love. This could include: chasing, running away, calculating, manipulating, or dramatizing. You may feel isolated, suffer from loneliness, feel shame, or are scared. Maybe you are dealing with ongoing physical abuse. You may feel confused and bewildered while attempting to rationalize things that have been said or done. You might also have an ongoing sinking or stabbing feeling in your gut that doesn’t go away. There is a way of breaking free from a destructive relationship and the self-destructive behavior patterns which allow these types of relationships to flourish.
By making you a priority, and accepting yourself fully, you can create a better life. You will live better by getting to know and accepting who you are before attempting to create a partnership with another person.
It is my sincere hope that by sharing my views, suggestions for healing, and some of my personal experiences, you will be encouraged toward removing yourself from a destructive relationship.
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Chapter 1
Why the Need for No Contact?
The Need for No Contact
No doubt about it, some people in this world are lethal. They have no regard whatsoever for others.
Their objective is to get what they want when they want it from whom they want it.
For those of us who have been in abusive relationships the recovery process is hard. It takes so much time to put the pieces of us back together because these pieces were slowly and deliberately taken from us over time. In order to heal, we’ve got to pick these pieces up and reconnect them to make ourselves whole.
In the early days of my healing I read at length about abuse. I learned that although there are different types of abusers they all lack empathy for others. I also found in my reading that personality disorders were often mentioned alongside discussions about abusers. When I came across Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the traits associated with it, I was amazed by how familiar it all sounded. Narcissists are usually drawn to people they believe are unique or have special qualities. This is important to them because they believe they are special and should only associate with people worthy of them. They also want to impress the outside world so want to make sure whoever they associate with helps them look good to others. They might be drawn to people with intelligence, money, fame, position, power, beauty or combinations of these and other qualities they deem desirable. They and other abusive individuals tend to pick partners who lack confidence, have low self-esteem, and have wavering boundaries or no boundaries at all. In the beginning their charm and wit are hard to resist and they pursue a new partner with a vengeance. However, over time they lose interest in the relationship. They often become distant and uncommunicative as well as mentally emotionally and/or physically abusive.
I was first introduced to the concept of no contact through my readings at an online discussion group: NarcissisticPersonalityGroup@groups.msn.com. At this group I learned that in order to leave an abusive relationship you must eliminate all contact. However keeping the no contact rule is different when sharing co-parenting responsibilities or in an employment setting. In these cases the contact must be kept to a minimum as it relates to the children or to the workplace.
It isn’t easy to leave a destructive relationship; especially if you aren’t used to standing up for yourself. Your biggest ally in doing this will be your resolve to have the best life possible. Whenever you weaken, remember your happiness depends on taking care of yourself first. Also keep your thinking reality based. You are more vulnerable if you have a fantasy view toward life. It’s to an abuser’s advantage to find a partner who longs for a prince to sweep them off their feet. This is how they reel you in. Women planted firmly in reality aren’t looking for a prince and won’t buy into the fantasy. This doesn’t mean that a woman should run from a man who treats her well but should be wary of a man who appears too good too soon. Chances are they’re giving a great performance which won’t be repeated once he’s convinced he’s won her over.
The Relationship Is Bad for You
Simply put, you’ve decided you don’t want contact with this person because it is bad for you! Your self-esteem is on the line and to heal you’ve got to stay away. It may take awhile to decide you want to end the relationship. It’s a difficult decision with much to consider. When in a relationship with a narcissist, they want you to do what they want, when they want it. If it turns out you actually want to do what they want on a regular basis, it becomes too much like sharing, and they won’t want it anymore. In other words, you won’t reach a level of mutual sharing and understanding. You might wonder why things don’t seem quite right. Maybe you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach then shrug it off, rationalizing you’re too sensitive or didn’t understand what was said or done. Men and women in these relationships often report that although they share some great times with their partner, they spend far more time feeling uneasy or downright miserable. Maybe you’ve hesitated bringing up your feelings, fearing that doing so, will anger your partner. Feeling hesitant and fearful of sharing emotion shouldn’t be part of a healthy relationship.
Boundary Violators
Narcissists have no interest in boundaries, period. As was mentioned above, they are attracted to people who don’t have firm boundaries. The abuser may be physically, mentally, and/or emotionally abusive. Their objective is to get their way, no matter what. In the beginning of these relationships life can look and seems good. These individuals can be quite charming and accommodating initially. Over time though, they may view the relationship as less exciting and you will never get them back to the full form they first presented. Chances are if you continue to stay in the relationship you’ll get used to accepting poor behavior over and over again. If you accept poor behavior even one time and don’t put an end to it you’re leaving yourself wide open for more abuse. In my past, I wasn’t consistently clear about my boundaries and consequently didn’t always stand up for myself. Sometimes I wasn’t even aware I was being violated until it was too late:
On my birthday, shortly after my divorce was final, three of my children who were spending the weekend with their dad, came over with him to bring me a bouquet of flowers and a birthday cake. I put the flowers in a vase and set them on the kitchen table. We all gathered around the table and I stretched toward the flowers to smell them and then looked up. My ex-husband told me to smell the flowers again. I said no; he said “come on smell them again,” and pushed my head into the bouquet with his hand. When I lifted my head he looked at me and laughed out loud. I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and saw residue from the flowers all over my face. I was being made a joke of on my birthday, in front of my children! I came out of the bathroom and told my ex-husband to leave.
In hindsight, I should have paid attention to my first thought and walked away. Instead, I allowed him to push my head into the bouquet. I didn’t understand and process in the moment that having my head pushed into the flowers was a violation. Hesitating and ignoring my own feelings made me vulnerable. When a person lacks confidence they can be directed to do things a person with clear boundaries wouldn’t consider doing. Learn to stand up for yourself whether you’re at home, at a family gathering, or in a business meeting.
Sometimes in a new relationship we make a decision to accept the unacceptable. We accommodate a new person in order to keep them in our lives. We don’t want to pass judgment so ignore our boundaries. We forget to pay attention to our wants and needs concentrating only on pleasing the other person. Here is an example from my personal experience:
Three years after my divorce I began a new relationship with a man who told me from the beginning he didn’t like being questioned and wasn’t very “revealing” about daily happenings in his life. I took his upfront disclosure policy seriously and decided I would do my best to ignore anything I suspected to be a lie or half truth. Above all, I made it a point not to ask questions or limit the questions I did ask! I had been taught not to pry into other people’s business and accept what they told me. I was the perfect partner for this no disclosure policy boyfriend! This mindset had undermined me throughout adulthood but proved especially detrimental in this particular relationship. I made up my mind to rarely question anything he told me. It took a long time to see that by accepting the bits and pieces of his life he chose to give me and by not asking questions I really didn’t have a relationship. I didn’t know him and I was losing sight of myself. Eventually I realized a healthy relationship doesn’t look like this. It took nearly losing all interest in my own life to take the necessary steps to get out. I had stopped valuing and believing in myself. My universe centered on this mans wants and needs. If he was okay then I was okay. He was the barometer for how things were going in my own life.
Pay attention to your own wants and needs. If you have the gut feeling things aren’t right in your relationship, it’s a good indicator you need to get to the bottom of whatever is making you feel uneasy. If you let things slide even once, it will become easier to continue to let things go rather than confronting the issues head on. It’s impossible to have a good relationship without communication. If you’re in a relationship where your questions are met with silence, are ignored, or you’re redirected to another topic of conversation, don’t ignore these behaviors.
Name-Calling
If you have come out of a destructive relationship, chances are, you have gotten used to being put down verbally. Name-calling is the use of any negative label to describe another person. Abusers probably think they have the right to put their partner down for a variety of reasons: they may be older, are the breadwinner, have more education, or feel they are superior in some other way. Narcissists have a strong sense of entitlement which blinds them to their abusive behavior. Most abusers also believe they can say things to other people that they themselves would never be able to tolerate. They lack the ability to acknowledge and accept their partner’s feelings, perspectives, and opinions if they are different from their own. Verbal abuse creates pain and trauma. It can make you physically ill. Ongoing verbal abuse is stressful no matter how much you try to ignore it. On the other hand, non abusers will occasionally say something cruel because they are upset or frustrated, and when they think about how they came across, will apologize. The rare hurtful comment made when frustrated is different from the ongoing remarks made by an abusive individual.
In the early days of one relationship, I was often told I was wonderful, exciting, fun, etc. However, over time, the positive regards were expressed less and less. One evening we were on our way to dinner when he slipped something into my jacket pocket. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a magazine clipping. It was a poem about a woman who though not at all exciting was a comfort to be around. He told me the poem reminded him of me.
At the time, I brushed the whole thing aside, even though reading the poem and hearing his reasoning for giving it to me gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I should have paid attention to the way I felt. The sick feeling was my body’s way of telling me that neither the poem nor comment was okay with me. Yet in the moment, I pretended everything was fine. I didn’t want him to think I was bothered at all after reading it. By saying nothing I allowed him to get away with treating me poorly. I disregarded the pain I was feeling by denying it. After the relationship ended the poem became significant as clear use of devaluation.
How much self have you allowed another person to take from you? Do you know when enough is enough?
Remember, anyone who calls you names or in some other way attempts to devalue and make you feel inferior has no regard for you. It’s about keeping you down. Don’t get used to these comments. Remember to expect respect! Stay sharp and don’t allow others to put you down because over time, it will wear you out.
Masters of Confusion
Narcissists tend to change on a daily basis. If there is one consistency in their personalities it’s that they are unpredictable and extremely changeable. What worked for them yesterday will most likely not work the next day. They often expect a partner to be able to read their moods and know instinctively what it is they need at any moment. Your wants and needs don’t factor into the equation unless giving you what you need and want helps them portray a desirable image to the outside world. Their catch phrase might be “you make me feel….” The problem is you could make them feel alive and wonderful one day and like they’re hooked to a ball and chain the next. You will most likely not be able to predict what each new day will bring. There were times in my past relationships when I considered myself to be in ongoing train wrecks. I knew a wreck was coming, however didn’t know from which direction, or the force of impact upon crashing.
The confusion we feel with abusers is a deliberate control mechanism. If you listen to what they say and try to make sense out of it, you get caught up in the confusion. The trick is not to allow them to confuse you. The easiest way to do this is by not responding. Get out, stay away, don’t contact.
With one ex-boyfriend, I could be in a great mood, thoroughly excited and anticipating our time together. One time in particular we were in the car. I was quiet, just enjoying the drive. He said, “Are you okay, is everything alright?” I assured him I was fine and then he added:
“I’m bored.”
“Why?” I asked. “We have nothing to talk about anymore,” he said.
This exchange was used to let me know it was my responsibility to keep the conversation going so he felt comfortable. It wasn’t okay for me to be still, to be quiet, unless he wanted me to. I worried about whether my behavior was acceptable at any given moment in relationship to his moods. During this particular car ride I was anxious and unsure of his reaction to my continued silence so picked up on his cue to start talking. By doing this, I let him off the hook. I did what I was supposed to do which was to create conversation in order for him to feel less uncomfortable. I got nothing out of this exchange except an awareness that he was in control. I played the part I was supposed to play.
It isn’t anyone’s responsibility to keep another person entertained. We’re capable of doing that for ourselves. However, some very charming and persuasive people are used to calling the shots and getting results. People with a strong sense of entitlement think nothing of expecting partners and others to follow their lead, agree with their views, and succumb to their wishes.
Signs of an Abusive Relationship
There will be other sections which show warning signs and red flags to be aware of when looking at a new relationship partner. Here you look at your current relationship and note whether or not any or all of the following apply:
* Is possessive or jealous toward you.
* Bossy or demanding in attempts to control you.
* May have a quick temper and/or is violent.
* Attempts to isolate you by cutting you off from friends, family, and other social contacts.
* Abuses alcohol and/or drugs.
* You feel pressure sexually and/or demands sexual activities you’re not comfortable with.
* Tells you you’re responsible when he mistreats you.
* History of bad relationships.
* Friends and family are concerned for your health and safety.
* You worry about your partner’s reactions to what you say and do.
* Partner makes “jokes” that embarrass, humiliate, or shame you privately or around family and friends.
* Partner has angry outbursts when they feel hurt, shame, fear, or loss of control.
* Partner witnessed abusive parental relationship and/or was abused as a child.
* In order to cope with the pain of the relationship, you and/or your partner have developed or progressed in alcohol or drug dependence.
* You repeatedly leave and return to relationship against the advice of your loved ones.
* You are not able to leave the relationship even though you know it is in your best interests to do so.
If you are thinking about leaving a destructive disturbing or otherwise unworkable relationship know you’ll most likely always struggle with claiming a sense of self while with this person. It will zap you of your energy and for all your effort you’ll still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. If your partner agrees to couples therapy and both of you are sincerely interested in making positive changes then go for it. Just be prepared that it might not work and in the end you’ll need to get out so you can begin living a normal life.
Remember to expect respect. It takes practice, and trust in yourself, to know when something someone says to you, or wants you to do, isn’t right. Stand up for yourself and realize you have great value. Don’t let other people push you around, embarrass, or in some other way make you feel inferior. People who are cruel to you are not worth having in your life. Above all, don’t be so dependent on another person, that the value you place on yourself is determined by the attention they pay to you. You are a separate person!
You Have a High Probability of Going Back to an Abusive Relationship if You Maintain Contact
Yes you do but if you’re still in the relationship there’s no need to panic. Timing plays a critical role when you begin the process of leaving. You may have been in a relationship with this person for years and if so you’ll need to detach. Detaching is important when you can’t completely shut a person out of your life. If you have children with an abusive individual there will usually be some contact. There are also destructive relationships with people other than intimate partners. You might have a difficult relationship with a coworker, and in that case, it’s often impossible to avoid contact altogether unless you quit your job. Whether you’re in a co-parenting situation, or the relationship is with a coworker, maintain only minimal necessary contact.
If you’ve decided to leave a destructive relationship it may initially seem normal to continue contact with your former partner. However, it seems normal only because it is familiar. If you choose to stay in the relationship you can continue to work on yourself, though it may be difficult because your partner is still in the picture. It will be a delicate balance to give time and energy to you while continuing on in the relationship. Your concentration will be divided and it will be difficult to divert the time and energy you formally gave to your partner onto yourself.
In addition, it’s likely you’ll slip into previously set patterns you had with your partner and if you attempt to break these patterns will be met with resistance. Positive changes can happen but both you and your partner must be committed to the change. You are also likely to need guidance from a mental health specialist. It would be easier for you to clear your mind and space of this person before working on changing your own behavior patterns.
Breaking It Off
Breaking away from a destructive relationship is tough because even though it was dysfunctional it held value and a certain amount of enjoyment for you or you wouldn’t have been in it at all. The objective of leaving is to bring peace and joy back into your life as well as to gain control of your world.
Destructive relationships are not joyful. There may be brief periods of happiness but overall there is a greater amount of dissatisfaction and misery. To settle for that type of relationship is crazy which is why you want out.
If you choose to move forward with no contact you will need to make adjustments. It will be nearly impossible to stay away in the beginning but over time it will become easier as long as you maintain self-discipline.
Maintaining Boundaries with No Contact
Without clear boundaries none of us have a solid foundation to build on. We all know and understand this however putting it into practice is hard work.
Knowing who you are, accepting it, and growing with it, are the keys to developing a life you truly enjoy. If you are convinced that leaving the partnership is the best course of action to take, you will need to set your boundaries. This will be difficult. He may call you. He may come to see you. What do you do? You know the person and your situation. If you believe it’s safe to do so, you could say the following: Please find someone else on whom to focus your attention as I have no interest in you at all. Saying this allows the other person to keep their dignity because if that is stripped away, it could mean misery and danger for you. To say anymore than the above just sucks you back in.
Once you have made it clear you’re no longer interested don’t take their calls and don’t open the door to them. If the phone rings let the answering machine pick it up. If the calls continue save the mes-sages as you may need them for evidence. You may also want to consider getting another phone with an unlisted number and use that phone only with close friends and family.
When I left the last relationship I was committed to no contact but felt vulnerable and knew I would be tempted to pick up the phone if he called. I decided to unplug my landline using it only when necessary. I kept in touch with friends and family by using a cell phone with a number only they knew. I went to work every day and took care of my children. It was more important for me to self-protect than to worry about whether or not I was available to answer my phone.