83
The Last Caper!
An original comedy for film by JERRY HAMMER
Possible cast:
Staring
Kevin Kline
Sandra Bullock
Morgan Freeman
Ernest Borgnine
Jerry Stiller
This material is registered with the
Writer’s Guild East
Contact: JERRY HAMMER
HAMMER PRODUCTIONS
47 Lafayette Place
Greenwich, CT 06830
Tel 310.922.8432
Copyright 2012
OPENING on a New York street scene (Credits begin to roll). An older man, Mortimer, walking five dogs of different sizes and ages. He turns a corner onto Park Avenue (as the credit’s continue to roll and the sound of music is heard). He stops in front a large apartment house, hands the leash of one of the dogs to the doorman who is standing out front.
DOORMAN (Nods)
Thanks, Mortimer
Mortimer without responding continues on, walking down the street. Several buildings away, Mortimer stops with another doorman in front and hands him a leash with one of the dogs (Mortimer remains now with three dogs).
DOORMAN
Did he do his business, Mortimer?
MORTIMER
He always does. He’s a good Pisher!
(He bends and pets the dog)
He then continues on and turns the corner on 78th Street heading toward 5th Avenue. He comes to a townhouse and rings the bell. After a minute, the housekeeper opens the door on the street level. The remaining three dogs jump on her.
HOUSEKEEPER
(Speaks to a dog)
Hello Bo-Bo, did you be a good dog with Mortimer today?
If you did, I am going to give you a treat.
MORTIMER
No treat for Bo-Bo! She barked too much today.
She was a bad dog (As he begins to walk away out of frame).
You can give Mollie a treat!
C.U.
HOUSEKEEPR
(Continues to talk to the dogs)
Come in, Bo-Bo and Mollie! I’ll give you a treat no
matter what that man says about you.
CUT TO:
Mortimer walking away shaking his head.
CONT:
MORTIMER
(Speaking out loud to himself)
Bo-Bo will get a treat whether she does
the right thing or not. In the old days
growing up you had to be good to get
something special. They spoil everybody
and everything today.
Mortimer continues to mumble to himself as he heads toward Fifth Avenue.
MORTIMER
What a world! Technology is changing
everything!
Mortimer gets to another house on the corner of Fifth Avenue. The doorman is standing outside.
DOORMAN
What do you say Mortimer? The dog take you
for a nice walk today?
MORTIMER
(Shakes his head)
You think it’s funny, but when you grow older
you need the exercise.
DOORMAN
That’s what I said! The dog took you for a walk,
he’s keeping you healthy.
MORTIMER
(Stares at Doorman for a few seconds)
And what keeps you healthy? Oatmeal, right?
Vitamin pills! cholesterol pills! I don’t need any
of those, I just keep walking.
DOORMAN
That’s not so. You sit for hours and play cards in
the park with your friends.
MORTIMER
Well at least I have friends.
CONT:
DOORMAN
(Smiles)
Yes, I know Mortimer and they’re all dogs.
(He laughs out loud as he takes the leash from Mortimer).
CUT TO C.U.:
Stop Light
CUT TO:
Mortimer crossing Fifth Avenue to the entrance of the park on 79th Street. As he’s walking in the park he comes upon an older lady.
OLD LADY
(Sitting on a bench feeding squirrels. Looks up seeing Mortimer)
Hello, Mortimer!
MORTIMER (Smiles)
Hello, Mrs. Silverman! How are you?
OLD LADY
I’m fine, thanks to Medicare. I went to
my doctor and it didn’t cost me a cent.
MORTIMER
(Stops in front of her)
What did you go to the doctor for?
OLD LADY
I’m not going to tell you. It’s none
of your business. If we were together
as a couple I would tell you.
MORTIMER
Mrs. Silverman, you know that’s
never going to happen.
OLD LADY
Your loss! You could be having home
cooked meals every night. Pot roast, all
your favorite things.
CONT:
MORTIMER
I’ll settle for what we have now, once
a week is enough. You got to stop trying
to seduce me you naughty lady!
OLD LADY
Your loss! My offer may not go on forever
you know. You got to deliver!
MORTIMER
You talk like we’re young people. Deliver what?
Your newspaper?
OLD LADY
(Changing the subject)
I hardly recognize you without your dogs.
MORTIMER
Don’t make fun of my dogs, they pay my rent.
That’s better than any woman ever did for me!
OLD LADY
Go! Don’t be a FASCIST go to your card
game! You don’t want to be late. Your cronies
will give you a hard time.
Mortimer waving her off walks on.
CUT TO:
A concrete table with concrete benches. Fred, an elegant black elderly man with gray hair is sitting at the table with a deck of cards playing solitaire. He is singing softly to himself as he lays the cards down on the table. He is signing “Home on the Range.” Manny, a heavy set elderly man walks up to where he is sitting.
MANNY
Fred, is that the only song you ever learned?
FRED
(Lays his cards down and looks up)
If it was good enough for Will Rogers and
Roy Rogers, it’s good enough for me. Hello
Manny!
CONT:
MANNY
How come Mortimer is always the last
one to get here?
FRED
Well, he has his job. He’s walking his
dogs.
MANNY
Some job. He takes animals to pee.
FRED
Don’t knock it! I have my own problems
peeing.
MANNY
Well, maybe Mortimer should take you for
walk.
FRED
(Smiles and looks up at Manny)
Your in good form today I see. Did you take
smart pills along with your bran for breakfast?
MANNY
Never better and I’m gonna woop your ass
in cards today!
FRED
(Looking up at Mortimer who is arriving)
Here comes Mortimer and he’s dogless!
MANNY
(Turns his head and looks at Mortimer arriving and then looks back at Fred)
Maybe he’ll take you for a walk so you
could pee.
FRED
You’re always funny. You always have
something to say about everything.
CUT TO THREE SHOT: Mortimer arrives.
CONT:
They each shake hands as if they’ve been away for weeks and then take their seats as if they are going to begin a professional match of some kind.
CUT TO:
Mortimer as he takes a pad and pencil out of his jacket pocket.
MORTIMER
Fred, you owe me two-thousand-one hundred
ec’s and Manny you owe me eighteen hundred
ec’s after the last game.
FRED
Mortimer, why does it have to be euros? Why
can’t it just be dollars since we aren’t paying
each other anyways.
MANNY
Mortimer wants to get used to euros in case
he takes that trip to England, which he has
been planning since his Bar Mitzvah.
FRED
It’s so damn confusing. I never know how
much I lost or won.
MORTIMER
What does it matter? We don’t pay each other
anyway.
FRED
So why can’t we play in dollars?
MANNY
(To Fred)
By the way, on the way here I passed
the Chase bank and two armed guards were
loading money onto their truck. I asked them if
they had a free sample. When they laughed I asked
if they knew you Fred. I said, “Do you know Fred
Johnson?” He was one of you guys for over twenty
years and is now retired. But you know these young
guys, they just shrugged and said they didn’t know you.
CONT:
MORTIMER
I don’t want to hear about Fred and his 38-alliber pistol
and how good he looked in his guard uniform. And I don’t
want to hear anymore of his Korean War stories. Just deal the
cards. I’m feeling hot.
MANNY
Did you guys see CSI last night?
FRED
(as he is dealing cards to Manny).
I watched it and I solved the crimes long
before they did!
MANNY
You always do, Fred! I watched it too.
It never made sense to me, they leave all
that evidence around.
MORTIMER
They have to do that in order to solve the
crime within the hour.
FRED
I think today we should start working on
another crime of our own. One that’s better
than CSI.
MORTIMER
Every crime we work on is better than CSI
and we don’t have to leave special clues to
help solve it.
MANNY
I have an idea. If we’re so good, maybe we
should pull off a real caper. We don’t have
that much to loose. If we get caught, our life
expectancy is not that much. It’s like they
sentenced Bernie Madoff to one-hundred and
fifty years, he might not live ten years more.
FRED
While your talking about a Caper, I have one
word to say.
CONT:
MANNY
And what’s that?
FRED
Gin!
MORTIMER
He got you, Manny! You better pay attention
to the game.
FRED
(Pointing to a nearby bench)
Isn’t that your son-in-law, Marco over there?
Manny Turns.
CUT TO:
Younger man sitting on the bench nearby.
CUT TO:
MANNY
I wonder if the jerk is following me. Maybe
he wonders where I go each day.
CUT TO:
C.U. of the younger man (Marco) on the bench opening a newspaper and he has a package resting on his lap. He is nervously looking around, but not at the three men playing cards near by. A lady pushing a carriage stops at the bench and sits down near the man.