No
More Drama
A Practical Guide to Healthy
Relationships
By Gregory J. Boyce
M.A.
Extending back in time, people have been drawn to
watch and participate in drama. Understood and used by playwrights
and authors in all cultures of recorded history, and known in recent
times as the triangle of disempowerment, drama triangle, or Karpman's
triangle, drama is a compelling but ineffective way of interacting
with others that leads to relationship confusion, dysfunction and
conflict. It is a pervasive source of suffering between individuals,
groups, communities and nations. Psychotherapist Gregory Boyce's book
No More Drama shows us the external appearances of drama, the inner
workings, why we participate, and most importantly, how to conduct
ourselves so we live in what he calls the Drama Free Zone. His
writing is enjoyable and easy to follow; his suggestions, very
powerful. It is: A Practical Guide to Healthy Relationships.
Mr.Boyce proves to be a 'drama'
critic worthy of Stratford, taking dead aim with arrows of insight
into the archetypal 'drama triangle' with folksy humor, and perennial
wisdom. I highly recommend this easy read for therapists, counsellors
and clients alike. The author brings a fresh persuasive voice in
dissecting dysfunctional interpersonal dramas we observe around us
and in our own lives. He effortlessly waltzes the reader through the
'emotional madness' of everyday life, suggesting ways to live 'drama
free'. Add this potent volume to your library and share it with
clients, friends and family. I hope a sequel will soon follow! -
Dr. Errol McKinstry, M.D.,F.R.C.P.
Psychiatrist
Copyright
© 2012 Gregory J. Boyce
All rights reserved.
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ISBN: 978-0-9878135-1-0
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Table of Contents
============================
Appreciations
This is quite a dance, being a human being, isn’t it?
The music of life is constantly changing. My assessment is that how well I flow to it has significant influence on my enjoyment of it. Having partners that flow in harmony with me is a blessing.
So, here follows a list of sweet partners for the writing of this book...
My review board: Your comments, suggestions, and most of all your strokes were like bubbles of energy. Many thanks to Aggie, Anne, Brenda, Cindy, Errol, Greg, Jen, Joan, John, Julia, Liz, Madeline, Matt, Rosanna, Michael, Ross, Adrienne, Bruce, and Jacob. Special thanks to James, Tammy, Robin, and Gale for your timely & loving encouragement!
My mentors: Your long standing invitations for me to look for, believe in, and develop who I could be, were pivotal to this writing. Deep thanks to you Karen Davis, Clark Reed, Nancy Wardle, Laurel Thom, Vann Joines, Heidi McBratney, Wake and Kinlen Wheeler.
I am grateful to the Transactional Analysis community for your elucidation of the dynamics of drama. In doing so I think you invited the rest of us to live up to our healthy relationship possibilities.
I’ve decided to endnote specific references to original works so that readers who are interested in the historical development of the material presented can investigate further. And with that intention, if you, as a reader find something that you’d like me to reference in the next revision, please contact me using the email address found at www.NoMoreDrama.ca.
I am most appreciative to you my wife Barbara. When I see you smile at me, when I feel your hand on my shoulder as I type, when I listen to your thoughtful suggestions about a paragraph I’ve sweated over, I giggle inside with joy because I’m thinking you love me. What a dance partner you are!
Sept.12 2011
Foreward by Clark S. Reed, M.Div., TSTA
It is a daunting task for me to write just a few lines for Greg’s new work about ‘drama’ with the elephant in the room (Eric Berne) being ever present because the author shifts the emphasis from ‘games’ to ‘drama’ and makes the focal point ‘the drama triangle,’ which Steve Karpman is purported to have sketched at an NFL football game years ago.
I like this shift as for me it makes increasing awareness of ‘faces’ (a word which Greg uses) simple and understandable. I personally wish he had not used Bern’s classical games such as ‘Why don’t you….Yes But.’ etc. to introduce his theory; I was distracted unnecessarily.
Having said the above, in addition to re-awakening interest in viewing these painful, predictable sequences in a simple geometric figure (a triangle) I find Greg’s subsequent six chapters making an important contribution to the body of knowledge: by defining intimacy in a creative way as being hopeful and profound; by giving specific useful examples of how to transact to avoid drama (Living in a Drama Free Zone); sharing the trio of behaviors to eliminate for a drama free life (stop discounting, make clear contracts, and ask for what we want in a clear understandable way); a summary section in each chapter that makes review easy and understandable; and positing in his final chapter where living a drama free life eventuates in a special calm loving death.
The alternative to drama according to Greg is intimacy.
His definition: Intimacy is the capacity to relate to another person in an honest emotionally open equal and caring way that includes transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. I believe Greg has a point here. Intimacy is the only way to structure time that makes a drama free life desirable.
Some theorists in the past have doubted that it could be achieved. This is an important point Greg is proposing and makes the read important if it were the only point. There are more important points however.
Gregory`s final chapter, A Dramatic Finish portrays importantly how the outcome of getting unhooked from the ‘addiction’ to drama (my term) provides the opportunity to develop skills and ability to choose a calm peaceful ending that is beautiful and victorious. His question, ‘How do you want to live in your final days as a human?’ resonates with me and his invitation to take 100% responsibility for how you live every moment is the necessary prescribed elixir.
Thank you Gregory.
Preface by Vann Joines, Ph.D., TSTA
Why do people create so much drama in their lives?
Some of the answers are: It is exciting. It gets us attention. It prevents boredom. It makes life interesting. It structures our time. It confirms certain beliefs we have about ourselves, others, and the world.
Freud pointed out that it is a way of attempting to undo something that has been upsetting in our life by replaying it over and over again in the hope of having it turn out differently the next time. The only problem is that it often creates pain, and is a way of sabotaging ourselves from experiencing the happiness we desire.
In this book, Greg Boyce offers us some interesting alternatives to a life of drama. He boldly entitles it No More Drama. He helps us see that pursuing drama is a decision. It is up to us. We can decide instead to live a life free of self-created drama.
Drawing on the work of Eric Berne, M.D., a psychiatrist who created a powerful and effective approach to therapy call ‘Transactional Analysis’ and Steve Karpman, M.D., another psychiatrist, who was one of Berne’s early students and who developed the concept of the ‘Drama Triangle’, Greg follows in Berne’s and Karpman’s tradition of a simple, direct, no-nonsense approach to therapy. He shows us how we can take charge of our lives and get out of the drama roles of persecutor, victim, and rescuer, and live authentic, self-directed lives.
Drama is actually a cheap substitute for what is really fulfilling for us as human beings. What we all desire in some part of ourselves is to experience true intimacy - to open ourselves up fully to another human being and to have them open themselves up fully to us as well – to understand and be understood. Because we are often afraid to allow ourselves to be that vulnerable, we settle for drama.
I invite you to follow Greg through the following pages of this intriguing book to learn about the kinds of drama that most of us engage in daily and how we can put a stop to it. By following the many helpful and practical suggestions he offers, we can begin to take charge of our lives and live an exciting and fulfilling life of true joy, drama-free!
Chapter One: What Does Drama Look Like
Discover the Sights and Sounds
John Demo can hardly wait to get
home from work to tell his wife how much the boss has been after him
all day.
Poor Johnny.
Jane Demo can hardly wait till hubby John comes home so she can tell him how the kids have been pestering her all day.
Poor Janey.
The Demo children are awaiting the arrival of their father, John, because mother has been threatening them all day, "Just wait till your father comes home. He'll straighten you out."
Oh oh kiddies.
Enter Johnny, greeted by Janey, who immediately reports her plight with the children, venting all her frustration.
Johnny has to help his damsel in distress, and yet feels victimized saying, "Aw brother, now I've got to punish, when I wanted to be taken care of." Angrily John stomps into the kid's room - and lets them have all his frustration.
Jane hears their cries, and enters just in the nick of time to rescue her defenseless children and criticize John for going too far.
Johnny stomps out of the house and goes to the local bar, hoping to find someone to understand him.
If you’ve ever…
- walked away from a conversation wondering, what the heck just happened there? Or what was that all about? Then this book is for you.
- had someone react or over-react to you in a surprising and illogical way, and wondered, what got into them? Then this book is for you.
- over-reacted to someone and wondered, what got into me? Then this book is for you.
Drama delivers ‘bad feelings’. It strains, challenges and sometimes destroys relationships. It can cripple and destroy lives. Drama supports mistaken, dysfunctional and unhealthy beliefs about ourselves, others and the world.
I define drama in chapter two;
but know this …
Drama (1) never solves problems.
If you have Drama in your life that you could do without, then this book is for you.
How about some examples?
These are like interesting rare over-ripe vegetables. I’ll lay them out on the table as samples, introductory style, and in coming chapters, I’ll dissect them so you understand why they smell, and what you can do to avoid them in the future.
So plug your nose … here we go.
A middle age married couple, Flora and Paul are from the suburbs of a major city. Flora supervises a staff of fifteen at an on-line health food store. Paul works as a logistics dispatcher at a trucking company. Celina, Flora’s daughter is a modern teen. The family is always in drama. They have a reputation around the neighborhood; and once a year some uproar erupts out from behind closed doors on display for the world. For the purpose of this book, pretend you have a friendship with them.
Sample 1: You’re
visiting with your friend Flora at the local coffee shop. Flora
begins a conversation:
Flora: “I just don't know what to do about Paul. He's so distracted by work these days that he never spends any time with us. I'm beginning to think he's a workaholic.” <Deep sigh> “I'm really worried.”
You: “Have you tried talking to him?”
Flora: “Yes, of course, but he won't commit to a time when we can discuss it. He says it's all in my imagination.”
You: “Have you tried counseling?”
Flora: “Yea, but the counselor said Paul had to come in as well.”
You: “Hmm, I know. Wayne Dyer has a great book” <interrupted>
Flora: “I can’t read self-help books; Paul hates them and throws them out.”
You: “Yea that’s a problem. Well, you can always try the sexy approach?”
Flora: <weeping> “I tried that, but he hardly noticed. I feel worse now. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, as if you’re the expert anyways.”
You: <quietly> “Sorry. I was only trying to help.”
You might recognize yourself in this example. Maybe you recognize someone else.
Can you see the drama?
Most people have either given advice, or received it at one time or another; and sometimes, perhaps too often it goes badly. By badly I mean one or both people end up with feelings they don’t like. After this kind of interaction, the relationship has some tension in it. Neither person knows what just happened, or how to make sense of it. A series of these types of interactions actually threatens the health of any relationship.
We call this example of drama, ‘Yes But’. That’s from Flora’s point of view since she says, “yes but,” after each piece of advice. It’s called, ‘I Was Only Trying To Help’ from your point of view, because at the end of the sequence you feel strangely compelled to defend yourself by saying, “I Was Only Trying To Help.”
I’ll now flip it around so you can see another side of it. Different genders, same type of drama.
Sample 2: You and
your buddy Paul are sipping beers and watching the game Saturday
afternoon. It’s halftime and you casually start a conversation
about your motor bike.
You: “Yea, I was out on the bike last night.”
Paul: “Beauty of a night for it.”
You: “Woulda bin, I didn’t get far.”
Paul: “How come?”
You: “Runnin’ rough.”
Paul: “Dirty gas?”
You: “Na, new gas filter, fresh gas.”
Paul: “Fouled plugs?”
You: “Na, swapped em out a week ago.”
Paul: “Air filter?”
You: “Changed with the gas filter.”
Paul: “Well you probably need new rings, I keep tellin’ ya man, get rid o that rice burnin’ crotch-rocket and get youself a real ride.”
You: “As if you’re the expert. Meat head.”
Paul: “Woa, easy now, I was just tryin’ to help.”
So once again, maybe you recognize yourself in this sequence. Maybe you recognize someone else.
Can you see the drama?
The dialogue ends ‘badly’. Paul might even get up and leave. Henceforth the subject of motorbike problems will likely be taboo. From Paul’s point of view we call this drama, ‘I Was Only Trying to Help’. From your point of view we call it, ‘Yes But’ like the previous sample. We could call this male gender version, ‘Na, tried that, didn’t work.’
Advice giving is potentially a slippery slope into drama. By the end of the next chapter you’ll know why. And by the end of the book you’ll know how to avoid it.
Let’s do a new sample. More odor. More dramatic.
Sample 3: Flora is
already home when Paul comes into the kitchen.
Paul: <Flops down on the sofa with a groan>
Flora: “Careful with that sofa. <pause> What’s wrong with you?”
Paul: “Nothin’.”
Flora: “Yea, right, all slumped and goofy face.”
Paul: “Messed up afternoon is all.”
Flora: “I thought you and what’s his name, Mr. Midlife Crisis, were watchin’ ball or playing with your bikes?”
Paul: “It’s tuning our bikes, not playing with our bikes. He got all pissy at me for no reason. So I split. Missed the end of the game. Left my damn beer over there.”
Flora: “Well go back there and get it. We spent good money on that beer. It was the premium stuff too.”
Paul: “I’m not crawling back there.”
Flora: “Well you’re not getting any more this week; we got a tight budget ya know, till someone around here gets some overtime.”
Paul: “Nag nag nag.”
Flora: “I wouldn’t have to nag if you were any kind of real man.”
Paul: <jumps up, strides right into her space> “Don’t push me Flora.”
Flora: “Or you’ll what, go home to mommy?”
Paul: “Arggg” <punches the sofa>
Flora: “Sorry, sorry.”
Paul: “See what you made me do!” <storms out of the house>
Flora: “Paul don’t go, please honey I’m sorry I made you mad.”
In this sample, the drama from Flora’s point of view is called, ‘Kick Me’, meaning she was intending to get kicked. And from Paul’s point of view the drama is called, ‘See What You Made Me Do’, as in she made him kick her.
The majority of us have some kind of experience with an interchange like this. Either we experienced it first hand, or we’ve witnessed it. Notice how serious it got; and so quickly. As we get further into understanding drama, you’ll see how this one is different from the two previous samples only in its intensity. The ‘how it works’ is exactly the same.
Let’s move on to another sample, a sort of clubhouse sandwich. We’ll add a player to make it a threesome; we call this, triangulation.
Sample 4: While
Flora prepares dinner, Paul is setting the table. Flora’s teenage
daughter Celina wanders in with iPod jacked headphones blaring a head
banger. She leans against the counter facing Paul, her step-dad.
Flora: “Paul will you ask her to shut that noise off. It’s giving me a headache.”
Paul: <makes hand gesture indicating he wants step daughter to cut the sound> “Turn it off please.”
Celina: <makes a face, raising her voice> “What?”
Paul: <turning his voice volume up> “Turn it off!”
Celina: <makes more of a face and upping her voice into a whine> “What?”
Flora: <loudly> “Oh for cryin’ out loud, Paul don’t just stand there, do something. She knows I get headaches from that crap.”
Paul: <reaches for the headphones, Celina does too, they have a brief struggle. Celina twists away and in so doing the headphone jack pulls from the iPod, snapping the wire>
Celina: <headset off> “Mom. Did you see that?”
Flora: “What? I saw you trying to give me a headache.”
Celina: “He broke my iPod.”
Flora: “What are you talking about?”
Celina: “Look, it’s totally messed up.”
Flora: “What?” <turning to Paul> “Did you?”
Paul: “That’s ridiculous. It was an accident.”
Celina: “Yea, right, an accident that happened exactly when you were grabbing it.”
Paul: “Well maybe if you didn’t play that crap so loud that your mother gets a headache, we wouldn’t have tried to get you to turn it down.”
Flora: “Paul, what’s this we business? I didn’t tell you to grab her iPod.”
Paul: “You’re the one getting the headache.”
Celina: “You owe me an iPod.” <storms out>
Paul: “Oh screw this noise. I was only trying to help you Flora. I’m goin’ for a ride.”
Flora: “Feeling guilty? Pick up our beer from Mr. Midlife Crisis while you’re out.”
Ah the drama of it all. The name we use for this drama from Celina’s point of view is, ‘Let’s You and Him Fight’. From Paul’s point of view we call this, ‘I Was Only Trying to Help’. And from Flora’s point of view we call it, ‘Blemish’, as in finding fault with the others. Notice that all three people exit the drama with ‘bad’ feelings.
Although I’ve used adults in this sample, often the three people include two parents and one or more children, even young ones.
A nasty version is called, ‘Corner’, where an adult psychologically traps a child in a corner. Another version involves a child, often a teen who plays one parent off against the other on some request such as money: “If you won’t give me money for the movies I know dad will! Maybe I’ll go live with him.”
The dynamics of this last example are the same as the previous ones. You’ll learn this in the pages to come. And you’ll learn how to keep yourself out of these things.
Let’s look at a drama that involves one person. Believe it or not, the dynamics are the same even when only one person is involved.
Sample 5: Celina
secludes herself in her bedroom. She’s reviewing a ‘look’ her
math teacher Ms. Davis gave her during class that afternoon. Using
her diary, Celina writes the following:
Princess Log, Stardate 5/4/2010 : 19:45 gmt
AlgaeBra gave me the dirty look again today. The gleaming daggers of hatred flashed across the room, and I just barely had time to raise my shields and deflect the energy towards NerdBoy, who as usual was drawing photon torpedo circuit boards. She hates me, I know it. I can feel it. What have I ever done to her? She marks me harder than the other girls. She never answers my questions. She frowns every time she looks my way. She’s so mean. I’m so innocent. That’s it! She’s jealous. I’m young, she’s old. I’m beautiful, she’s plain. I have a boyfriend, she’s a divorcee. I have a whole wonderful life ahead of me, her life is half gone. Did I mention boobs, I have them and she doesn’t. Maybe she’s still single because men discover she’s a Klingon? Nerdboy might know.
What I invite you to notice about this sample is the drama Celina generates within the solo experience. The complete event is taking place in a mental/emotional space. No other people are necessary for her to have a drama.
By the end of the next chapter, you’ll understand how this solo drama is like the other samples. And by the end of the book you’ll understand why a solo drama is as disempowering to the person as any two person or multi person drama.
This next sample is a version of what we call, ‘Wooden Leg’. In this situation a participant uses an actual disability, or a perceived disability – such as a wooden leg - to start the drama. Wooden Leg is hugely popular; and for readers in the health field, you may be particularly susceptible.
Sample 6: After a
quiet and tense dinner together, Celina gets up from the table and
starts to leave the kitchen.
Flora: “Where are you going? Take your dishes to the sink. I’m not your slave you know.”
Celina: <puts on a pouty face and returns to the table, then takes her dishes to the sink. She turns to leave the room>
Flora: “Not so fast young lady. It’s your turn to do the dishes.”
Celina: “Are you serious?”
Flora: “My name is Flora, not serious; but I mean it, you’re washing tonight.”
Celina: “Ha ha very funny; aren’t you forgetting I have an allergy to latex?”
Flora: “What’s that got to do with washing dishes?”
Celina: “Washing dishes – hot water – latex gloves - hives?”
Flora: “Start the water.”
Celina: “How can you expect someone with a latex allergy to just go ahead and expose themselves to it.”
Flora: “Washing dishes – hot water – bare hands – clean dishes.”
Celina: “Hot water makes my hands wrinkle and age. You want me to have old woman’s hands? So I have to choose between hives and old woman’s hands. You’re so mean. You have no sympathy for someone with an allergy.”
Flora: “Oh forget it. I’ll do it myself, like everything else around here! ”
This form of drama is often used by people who get themselves influenced by substances. The phrase you’ll hear is something like this: “Ya, I’m not really responsible for that. I was drunk at the time.”
One last sample before we move on...
Sample 7: Later that evening, as Flora is quietly reading, Celina approaches.
Celina: “Can I talk to you about something?”
Flora: <Noticing that Celina seems unusually quiet and polite, perhaps even sad, she sets her book down.> “Sure honey, what’s going on?”
Celina: <Sits down beside Flora on the sofa, and starts to tear up.>
Flora: <Softly> “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Celina: “I wonder if you really care about me.”
Flora: <Feeling a sick twist in her stomach> “Of course I care about you. Why would you think such a thing?”
Celina: “Well, <starting to cry> you were pretty mean after supper.”
Flora: <Feeling apprehensive> “You mean about the dish washing?”
Celina: “Yes. If you want me to move out so you can be alone with Paul you should just tell me.”
Flora: <Surprised> “Where did you get that idea.”
Celina: <fully crying> “It’s obvious from how you both treat me.”
Flora: “I don’t want you to move out. I love you. That’s a silly idea.”
Celina: <getting up off the sofa and walking away> “You just don’t understand me.”
Flora: “Wait. Stay. Give me a chance to understand.”
This sample sounds very different than the others doesn’t it? As you’ll see, there are common elements that define it as drama; and those commonalities are what will help you avoid this type of situation in your own life. This drama by the way, is a mild version of what’s called, ‘Do Me Something’; meaning, one person attempts to get another to do something for them. In this sample, the deliverables Celina wants Flora to give her is a feeling of being cared for, or understood – but Celina walks out before actually allowing Flora to even get started.
Chapter Summary
So in this first chapter you’ve been introduced to the sights and sounds of drama in several versions:
‘Yes but’ coupled with ‘I was only trying to help’. ‘Kick me’ coupled with ‘See what you made me do’.
‘Let’s you and him fight’ coupled with ‘I was only trying to help’ and ‘Blemish’.
‘Wooden leg’ and lastly ‘Do me something.’
I like using the colloquial names at times, but actually it’s not necessary to know the names. In the following chapter I describe the common components of drama and you’ll understand why the names are just descriptive labels.
Mission Possible
Examine a recent dramatic encounter. Create a two column dialogue chart. Put the transactions in the left column, like I’ve done with the samples, and keep the right column empty for now. Keep your chart handy for chapters to follow. If you choose to take this mission (2), subsequent chapter missions will invite you to ‘work it through’. If you choose to continue with your real life example in missions to follow, you will increase the probability of reducing drama in your life beyond what reading alone will achieve.
Contracting
Later in the book I discuss ways of staying out of drama. One strategy is the use of clear requests, clear responses, and clear agreements. The latter is called contracting (3). Contracting decreases the probability of drama; which is why contracts are used in many situations, such as financial dealings – except not in all. As a model, I will state what our contract is and by doing so you the reader and I the writer will not set up any drama between us.
The contract between me Gregory, the author and you, the reader:
I agree to describe drama in a manner I think will convey the most important aspects of it, including how to stay drama free. I state that I think you have the desire and motivation to understand what I write and implement changes in your life to reduce or remove drama if you so choose. I know this about you because you’re reading this. You agree to read this with a receptive mind which, like a parachute, works best when open. As you consider how this information applies to you, I invite you to experiment with it to discover firsthand how it reduces the drama in your life.
Chapter Two: What’s Your Drama Face
Recognizing a Drama
All drama requires at least two
active roles. Many dramas use three active roles. And some dramas
have a fourth role, a passive one.
The roles are:
1. Victim (active).
2. Persecutor (active).
3. Rescuer (active).
4. Audience (passive).
Notice that I capitalized them. This is to distinguish these as roles and not actual people. A real person can act out all the roles over the course of a short period of time and cannot therefore be defined as just one; although the person may have a favorite role they play again and again. In the previous chapter’s examples, each person acted in one or more of the roles.
And when you experience drama in your life, you too are in one of the three roles.
Choices – Choices
In any life situation you have two fundamental choices as to how you respond: you can choose to employ the power of your problem solving and conscious thinking capabilities; or you can respond knee jerk fashion (subconscious) the way you learned while growing up.
The former will require energy, and probably time. The latter will be comfortable, seem right, and be familiar but it will not include all aspects of you and others involved, or the situation. We call that discounting (4).
Discounting is when a person ignores information relevant to a situation.
Similar to its use in retailing where a discount to the price of an item reduces its perceived value, so too during transactions between people, a discount happens when a person or situation is ignored or minimized. The common characteristic for all three active dramatic roles in any drama is the presence of discounting.
Here’s an example of how this happens...
A friend takes you flying in a single engine aircraft and as you cruise along, without really thinking you state, “I could never learn how to fly, I'm not smart enough.”
You've just discounted yourself.
Your pilot friend says, “Well I wasn't going to say anything, but I agree with you. Sorry, you don't have it where it counts.”
Your friend has just discounted you.
You have some feeling response to what your friend said. By the time you recover enough to reply, the aircraft is on final approach for landing and the pilot is concentrating intensely, but regardless, you say, “I resent you saying that. What gives you the right to judge me?”
You've just discounted the present situation.
In the above example, the initial discount of yourself is a quick judgment that has no evaluative component such as information gathering on what it takes to fly, what training is required, what do the exams include, who typically passes and fails. Nor have you given any thoughtful assessment of your personal attributes and characteristics compared to the requirements for flying.
Your friend's discount is the same in that he or she didn't really think about your traits in relation to the demands of piloting. Neither of you considered that there are several levels of licensing each with its own set of requirements.
Finally, when you ignore the fact that the most critical and sensitive phase of flight is in progress and the pilot's attention needs to be on landing the aircraft you are discounting the situation.
Generally, whenever you find yourself feeling like a Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer the odds are you’re discounting yourself, someone else, a situation, or some combination of the three. Often there are others doing the same thing, so you all do this dance - the disco (discounting) – as seen in the dramatic exchange of transactions in the first chapter.
Discounts are culture dependent.
What this means is, a discount to one person may not be to another. So, different cultures (and subcultures such as families) define discounts differently.
For example, in one family everyone waits for all members to sit at the dinner table before they begin eating. If a member of that family started eating before the last person sat down, the act would be perceived as premature and a discount.
In contrast, in another family, not eating as soon as the food is served would be perceived as a discount of the food or the cook, as in “eat it while it’s hot”.
Another example of how discounts are culture specific, consider the usage of the word “sick”. In one culture it means something bad as in “you’re sick to even think of jumping off that cliff;” whereas in another culture it means something good as in, “hey bro, sick jump.”
So in the aircraft example above, the ‘flying’ culture sets the context for the discounts. If you didn’t understand the discounts in that example all it means is you’re not a member of the culture that defines those discounts.
Here’s one more example of how dependent discount thinking is on the cultural context.
I use this example with clients and I call the subculture the ‘Little boobs and dickies group’. Members of this subculture believe that a person is gender handicapped proportionate to the diminishing size of their breasts or penis: little boobs or dicks = less than adequate for the gender. So if you’re a member of this subculture, you can discount someone else who is a member by referring to their undersized parts.
In sample drama 5 above, Celina conducts this discount of her teacher with the line, “did I mention boobs, I have them, she doesn’t”.
We’ll return to discounts later. Let’s move on, and get deeper into the roles involved in creating drama. Remember that I capitalize the names of the roles to distinguish them as positions in a drama not actual people.
Victim: Poor Me
The Victim will discount (ignore, or minimize) him or herself.
The Victim considers him or herself to be powerless in the relationship or situation and might even lie about an ability to effect change.
The Victim feels oppressed, helpless, hopeless and often ashamed of that ‘fact'.
The Victim will use a variety of communication styles to express his or her victimization: whiney, pouty, complaining, sullen, pessimism, doom and gloom, woe is me, cynical. The outstanding trait is a position of ‘I can do nothing about this.’
The Victim will attempt to convince you that they have or had 0% responsibility in the matter of their victimhood. It was out of their control. It just happened. During an exchange, they will push to convince you that they have no or little influence. The position of Victim is one of ‘no thinking'.
A person in the Victim role will sound and act very convincingly! Some Victims may convert this psychological Victimhood into a real world victim state and can get themselves into real problems.
An experienced Victim will be very compelling; especially when combined with a malady or incapacity of some kind.
Rescuer: Ah Poor Little Victim, Let Me Help You
A person in the Rescuer role will discount (ignore, or minimize) another person by taking the attitude that the other is hopeless, helpless, unable to solve the problem, and generally assumed to be flawed in some way. Because there are real victims in the world who need real rescuers, this dramatic Rescuer role tends to be more subtle and covert than a Victim.
A Rescuer also believes the other role in drama, the Persecutor, is flawed in some way, such as a character defect (cruel, mean, selfish etc.), thereby discounting the Persecutor. So the Rescuer is discounting both Victim and Persecutor - which is why Rescuers often get beaten up by both other players and told to keep out of it.
A Rescuer often doesn't want to rescue; but does so out of guilt, thinking things like, who else will take care of this Victim. And frequently the Rescuer doesn't expect the rescue to actually succeed, thinking something like, with such a Victim, a rescue is next to impossible, or that kind of person cannot be helped.
Remember, from the Victim side, he or she doesn't want to be rescued because that would end the drama.
There are many styles of rescuer from Mr. Nice Guy to Ms. Helpful; from Mr. Community to Ms. Volunteer; from Mr. Martyr to Ms. Everyone's Best Friend. In every style the common theme is the Rescuer will attempt to solve the Victim's plight.
A practiced Victim will attempt to convince a Rescuer that the problem is a Rescuer problem. A master Victim will engineer problems to actually become the Rescuer’s problems!
If you like to give advice, heads up, you probably like the Rescuer role.
Conduct an assessment: are you discounting the other person, thinking they need to know what you have to say or that it’s for their own good?
On the other hand, sometimes we’re simply enthusiastic about a topic and want to share that excitement, or share our experience; which may sound like advice or a mini-lecture but does not include the discount.
Sometimes, Rescuers want attention, and they get it with a self-disclosure that sounds like advice, or a mini-lecture.
Have you ever discounted someone by preventing their opportunity to speak?
Have you held the belief that what you want to say is more important than what they’re saying?
The other person may feel annoyed that you’re now doing the talking, having grabbed the microphone, so to speak. You may not be rescuing, but you’ve hijacked the conversation as in, “Listen to me, listen to me.” This is a discount of their self-disclosure. This ties into the next position.
Persecutor: It's Your Own Fault
The Persecutor will discount (ignore, or minimize) another person, or him or herself. He or she will state directly or indirectly that the other person is inadequate, stupid, helpless, hopeless, or worthless.
The Persecutor will use a variety of styles to convey the message: blaming, criticism, accusations, sarcasm, gossip, seduction, conning and trickery, cruel or practical jokes (“Hey can't ya take a little joke?”), temper tantrum, violence, threats, trapping and cornering.
The Persecutor holds the belief that the Victim's problems are most likely because of a flaw or defect in personality, character, mental capability, emotional status, genetic makeup, or spiritual nature.
The Persecutor often thinks that nothing would happen if it weren't for them. The Persecutor thinks that they are responsible for anything ‘good' that happens; that they are 200% responsible. In fact, they have to be because the Victim is too useless to contribute anything. People who don't delegate or who micro-manage may like the Persecutor role.
Similar to some Rescuers, a Persecutor often grabs center stage by interrupting another person’s speaking and in so doing declares, “What I have to offer is more important than what you have!” This is an overt discount of the other, and a covert discount of all others who are participating.
Furthermore, it’s an invitation for others to jump in as Victims or Rescuers (of the one interrupted); or as wanna-be Persecutors (how dare you interrupt me), in which case the two fight for that role.
Two people fighting for the Persecutor position can generate a lot of drama with overt insults or physical altercation.
Audience: Ohh Ahh, What Will Happen Next?
Although discounting is not a characteristic of the Audience role in an active fashion, a person who sits in the audience is participating vicariously with one or more roles being acted out. And that’s the fascination for a member of the Audience – the identification of themselves up there on stage. If a person does not identify with a drama position, the drama is simply a sequence of behaviors, hardly even curious.
For example, if a conversational scene in a movie is dialogued in a foreign language without subtitles, you would not be very interested in it.
The role of Audience often has importance for why people initiate and participate in drama. The reason for this moves us into the next chapter, The Reasons You Play; but for now I’ll just call it attention.
The active roles get attention from the Audience such as cheers and boos. By giving the drama attention, the Audience is actually encouraging and supporting the drama.
The Drama Triangle
Now that our four positions are described we can place them in relation to each other in a triangular diagram, and I’ll call the drama by its relational name The Drama Triangle.
This configuration was first described by Stephen Karpman in 1968(5). Later, it was named the Karpman Triangle. I’ve also heard it referred to as the Triangle of Disempowerment.
The Victim is in the ‘one down’ position, we draw that role on the bottom of the triangle – so the figure is resting on its point.
Using the colloquial phrase, ‘my right hand man’ to describe a helper, we place the Rescuer position on the right point of the triangle.
The Persecutor role goes on the left hand point, as in the phrase, ‘coming out of left field’.
The Audience sits around the triangle, as any encouraging Audience sits close to the stage, cheering and booing the action and hoping to see some blood & guts.
The Switch (or, the ol switcheroo)
A common and identifying characteristic of the transactions between roles in the drama itself is that at some point, one of the people will switch positions. We’ll get into why that is in the next chapter; but for now just know that as the drama continues you can anticipate a switch of roles.
As one person switches, others may switch as well. We say they are ‘invited’ to switch because it’s a choice; an alluring habituated one that has a quality of necessity, but still a choice.
So when you’re watching some dramatic transactions, get ready for the switch – it almost always happens. When it does, you know for sure you’ve just seen the drama triangle in action, and you’re in the Audience position.
If you sense that you’re in a Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer role, get ready, brace yourself, because either you or another person on the triangle with you is preparing to switch.
A switch involves moving from a current role to one of the others.
For example, if you started in the Victim position and found a Rescuer to join you in a dramatic exchange, you could be the one to switch first, say, into Persecutor and levy a harsh criticism of the Rescuer. That would invite the Rescuer to move into the newly vacant Victim position.
Or for example, if you were in the Victim position, being criticized by a Persecutor, after a few lashes you might switch to Persecutor yourself and wallop the person, thereby inviting him or her to take the now vacant Victim position.
Another example is when a Victim is being discounted by a Persecutor and a Rescuer rides into the scene ready to save the Victim.
Rescuers frequently wallop Persecutors, often to the dismay of Victims (an over-the-top reaction after all); so the Victim switches to Persecutor and the two join in a united initiative to pound out the Rescuer, who then moves to Victim. This was a common situation in domestic disputes when a single police officer arrived on the scene.
Another common switch is when a Rescuer gets fed-up with a Victim (tired of attempted rescues) and switches to Persecutor. You’ve perhaps heard the slogan ‘don’t blame the victim’, and now you know how that happens. Blaming the victim (notice the lower case) is far less frequent compared to blaming the Victim (notice the upper case).
Most people on the drama triangle don’t know they are, or that a switch is coming. So when it happens, it’s a surprise.
And of course for an unaware Audience, the switch is also quite a dramatic turn of events. All participants have a moment of confusion -- “what the heck just happened?” This is quite appealing to an audience for reasons we’ll get into next chapter; but have you noticed how the best dramatic theatrical and movie presentations are those with surprise twists and turns?
The switch also signals the final moments of transaction exchange that terminates the drama. After the switch, people will leave the drama triangle, or start a new one.
Feelings
Each of us has decided what our personal ‘bad’ and ‘good’ feelings are. Actually there are no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feelings, just feelings we prefer not to experience or feelings we do prefer to experience.
For most people, sadness is a feeling we prefer not to have very frequently. Some people don’t like feeling angry, and others dislike feeling anxious or afraid. Some of us don’t like any of those. Many people like feeling happy and/or excited but in some family cultures feeling happy or excited is bad as in, “don’t get your hopes up”, or “don’t enjoy this too much or something bad will happen”, or “nothing good ever lasts.”
As the transactions between drama roles proceed and the sequence approaches the switch, we can also anticipate the subsequent termination of transactions with all people experiencing a feeling reaction; usually but not always, feelings they’d rather not experience – the self-defined bad or negative ones. Some people finish a drama with what they define as a ‘good feeling’.
We call these predictable, repeated, familiar feelings Racket Feelings, and they are part of the final pay-off of a drama.
Turning Up The Heat
A drama can be enacted at three levels of intensity. Like burns we describe the levels in ‘degrees’; so we have 1st degree, 2nd degree, and worst of all, 3rd degree dramas (6).
1st degree dramas can be displayed in public or private, and the participants don’t mind if there’s an audience because the drama doesn’t have severe, if any, social consequences.
2nd degree dramas tend to be enacted in private, and there would be, or are, significant social consequences if made public.
3rd degree dramas are enacted with severe consequences, usually life altering such as tissue damage. We say they’re played for keeps, and at this level people often suffer physical harm.