A Guide to Relationships for Victim Type Women
Smashwords & Amazon Edition
Published By Ser Livre
Cover Art by Natalie Hendren @
http://breathing4love.deviantart.com/
Model on cover: Natalie Hendren
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We the Victims:
A Guide to Relationships for Victim Type Women
Copyright 2012 by Ser Livre
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only; this ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the authors work.
This is a work of opinion. I am not legally liable for anything that occurs if you follow this guide and something bad happens. This is simply my observations and advice. This should be taken purely as fun casual reading.
Dedicated to my fellow victims. I love you all and hope you learn to love yourself as well.
Table Of Contents
Introduction: Welcome To Victims Anonymous
Section One: Dating Field Blues
Chapter 1: Searching for Diamonds
Chapter 6: Quitting Time, No Overtime Allowed
Section Two: The “M” Word
Chapter 9: On Your Mark, Get Set, Fight
Chapter 10: Hostage Negotiations
Chapter 12: Tight Rope Walking
Chapter 13: Free Therapy You Didn’t Want
Section Three: I am Not What You Say I Am
Chapter 15: Lessons I Didn’t Care To Learn
Chapter 18: She Shoots, And Scores
Introduction: Welcome to Victims Anonymous
The homage “those who can’t do, teach” fits me to the T. When people tell you on a daily basis your book smart and not life smart you start to think “can I translate this”? Well I did just that. It’s hard to find other females to relate to when you yourself live as a perpetual victim. Also it’s a tad bit embarrassing to admit that you are pretty much a door mat to any man who enters your life. Therefore I relate to the AA visitors who keep their names a secret while admitting their shame publically. We all have things we aren’t proud to admit, to even our friends, but as they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Well here it goes, I am a victim. I am a victim of emotional and physical abuse as well and these have caused a permanent scar on my life. I am a victim type women and I am NOT proud of it.
Being a victim type woman is simply defined as being the kind of woman who can help others but can’t get out of her own way to help herself. The victim type woman makes bad decisions, chooses destructive relationships and watches life pass her by. The victim type woman is often medicated, sad and alone even in a crowded room. They also allow men to treat them the like dirt or worse simply because they cannot see the wrong in that treatment even though deep down they feel it. The victim type woman is me yes, but I have a feeling I’m not alone.
Now most victim type women suffer from a domino effect of bad luck. One ill choice often breeds more or seeps into other aspects of her life and causes overall turmoil. What I have discovered is usually that domino is a bad love relationship therefore I have written a tongue in cheek guide to helping those like me. Now don’t take everything I say as fact but if it applies to you then you will understand and see how we are alike. Love can suck, relationships can suck and that leads to life sucking. Knowing how to fix these things can eventually cause a positive domino effect and lead to a happy life. I hope this guide helps my fellow victim type women because trust me, being a victim is not fun. Stop being a victim and maybe it will help me too.
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Section One: Dating Field Blues
Chapter One: Searching For Diamonds
Diamonds in the rough, that’s what women refer to when they are looking for the perfect partner. Men are the diamonds in that equation but why is that? Why can’t the diamonds be the woman? Why do we look at men like some sort of gem and consider ourselves the one who has to “polish” that gem into perfection? My point is victim type women put far too much admiration toward a man, raising him up onto a pedestal he will never actually be meant for. Victim type women look for a man who needs something, needs to be bettered in some way. Most victim women are attracted to the lost soul men, ones who are down and out without much to offer the woman financially or emotionally. A victim type women wants a man who they can improve, a man who they feel “needs them”. It is this formula that leads to turmoil.
A man who needs a victim type woman will eventually grow out of that need and move on. In a man’s eyes, he can do better when he is better. Simply polishing the diamond is not enough if the victim type woman leaves herself in the wind. I have noticed that in every relationship I have entered into, the man I choose is lacking skills to function on their own. These basic skills can range from living with their parents like an overgrown child to being on drugs and lost to how real life functions. In my life I have helped my mates flourish. Productive jobs, money to burn and credit scores through the roof while losing what I have and losing myself as well. When my mate is better than he used to be, he cheats or leaves me. The fact is I’ve given up things I want to help him get ahead. I’ve bowed down to him for so long that eventually when I try to rise, he firmly puts me back in my “place” because that’s all he’s even know from me. Once the victim type woman has fixed his lost soul, he expects her to stay below him, stay his victim while he does as he pleases.
Eventually the victim type women wants more, wants to grow but she’s given far too much of herself to her man for that to happen. A woman’s natural instinct is for tidiness in life and a victim type relationship is far too complicated to be tidy. Women grow and evolve to be happy. The man will extort everything he can from his victim type woman until he no longer has any interest in her. Now that leaves the victim type woman in a bind: leave him and start over, which can be frightening, or stay and be miserable. Usually staying wins for awhile, weeks, months, even years, but the need for growth will always overshadow the longing to stay and things either change or they end. My advice is: Don’t let the man be a diamond from the beginning.
We all grow up with rules. There are guidelines that we follow on a day to day basis. Most of the population honors those rules and guidelines. So why is it rules are not discussed when we meet someone we may enter into a relationship with? Shouldn’t laying out guidelines be important if we wish to have a healthy, happy life with someone? I think it should be a priority but it’s not for victim type women. Like most victim type women I know what is right but can’t follow the idea. Many women make their intentions, want and needs clear right out of the chute but victim type women conform instead. Instead of being us, we mold ourselves around the man we choose, happy only pleasing him and letting our previous rules go unnoticed. Even victim type women have rules, or at least ideas about how we want to be treated yet for some reason those are about as flexible as can be.
It’s a sad truth but victim type women usually allow themselves to be door mats to almost anyone who enters their lives. The need to please both people around us and our mate is so strong we are willing to allow basically anything to happen to keep our routine going. Change is scary for victim type women. It’s easier to live knowing what everyday will bring rather than take a chance and see what else there is to look forward to. That’s why when a potential mate or current mate disappoints us; we overlook the folly, making excuse after excuse. Often I take the blame for something I didn’t even do because the rules have become so twisted and blurred we no longer know whether it is our fault or not. Rules and guidelines regarding what is wrong and what is right are never set ahead of time so battles between the victim type women and those around her are always a threat.
This is especially true with a victim type woman’s mate because if you do not make it clear to a man right away what you expect, he will test the boundaries as much as possible because he’s never been informed how far he’s allowed to go. Victim type women often never tell the man he is wrong and honestly how can we? We’ve never made it clear what we expect so we can’t get mad when he doesn’t follow what we would want him to. When time has passed and no guidelines or rules have been set then it becomes harder and harder to reign the man in. Freedom on his part has become the norm so when we try and inflict restrictions on that freedom it’s almost impossible to succeed at.
The end result will be the victim type woman becoming hopeless both in her life and relationship because control has ultimately become lost and when control is gone, the woman can’t be happy. How do we know which way is up if we’ve weaved such a complicated path we can’t remember who we are or what’s right and wrong in our rulebook? Another issue is if the victim type women lays down these rules and guidelines and then immediately allows the man to bend or break them. This is compliance and often a sign of weakness. Most men will use this to their advantage and eventually control will be lost because with compliance comes turmoil.
Laying down the rules and guidelines are vital. Do this as soon as the relationship is forming even though you’re afraid too. If he doesn’t like your rules in the beginning he won’t a month down the road so why waste time? By accomplishing this task, the man has immediate knowledge of what you expect and knows where the two of you go from here. The man knows how you want to be treated and what you will tolerate. This gives the man ample time to straighten out the can and can’t of the relationship and follow your words to create a positive environment for you both. Also it gives the man a chance to educate you about what he expects. This helps the two of you to know if its fate or a fling. You can’t grow together if your rules and guidelines are drastically different because one of you will be unhappy. My advice: Don’t let it always be you.
Fighting an awful, it’s never win-win. One side leaves shattered while the other side usually feels like they have won something which is honestly ridiculous. With victim type women fighting is a battle of different proportions. Victim type women always feel like we are the ones wrong. Often fights will breakout over little issues because victim type women have blinded themselves to the larger issues. Instead we redirect those anxieties into little problems to try and soothe ourselves. This redirection means the real issues are never discussed therefore continue. Fighting is easier when a couple is only boyfriend/girlfriend because you can always walk away from each other until emotions settle. Sadly most victim type women can’t walk away which means the man will eventually and this happening only upsets us more.
All couples fight. It’s a fact of life that no one’s perfect. We are mess up and we all have flaws. Knowing when to nitpick and when to let it go are important lessons. Most victim type women don’t like to confront the issues because it would mean pointing out both our flaws and our mates, who we have, as I mentioned, placed on an impossibly high pedestal. Instead victim type women stay quiet when they are upset and let things slide. More often victim type women choose to ignore the basic facts staring them in the eye and pretend like we don’t know what’s actually going on. We pretend the problems are small, insignificant even when the problem bothers us deeply.
I brood, I admit it. Victim type women often are brooders who bottle everything up. The problem is bottling it up doesn’t make it go away, it starts to eat away at us, tearing through our thoughts and bodies until we explode. I explode, mostly at people who have nothing to do with my original brooding, and about problems that aren’t what I’m brooding about in the first place. This exhausts my emotions and helps me to erase some of the anxiety without actually facing my mate. This is unhealthy because if your mate does not know why you’re angry, they will simply continue making you angry. It’s a vicious cycle of anger.
That’s why sometimes fighting is healthy. As long as the issues, the actual ones not the substitute ones, are being hashed out. Don’t redirect or nitpick about the toilet seat being up if you’re mad at your man for spending $100 on a chainsaw. Don’t fight with him over the phone bill if really you’re mad about a text you found on his phone. Victim type women usually mask the real issue with another and this needs to stop. Victim type women also just let things slide over and over and that’s not ok either. Say what you mean and make yourself clear in a fight or prepare for a fight over mustard next week. My advice: sweat the big stuff and the small stuff.
Trust is probably the most important trait people need to interact with each other. In a relationship it’s especially important. Without trust, a shadow of foreboding may follow us constantly, a dark sooty cloud that strangles the relationship. For victim type women trust is of utmost importance because we want to believe that the people around us are good and the man we choose is who we want him to be. Trust can be a tricky little demon though because we may think we trust someone, when in reality we are looking for any sign they are leading us on.
As a victim type woman I myself have had my share of trust issues with men. I live by the code “don’t trust anyone” and it’s this code that has fractured my life. When you are inherently suspicious of everyone and everything you cannot appreciate life. When you believe everyone is lying to you or trying to hurt you, the littlest joys can be overlooked. This applies to every relationship with a man I have attempted. I act as if I trust them, pretend as if they are honest to me but in reality I am playing who wants to be a millionaire by sneaking trick questions in every conversation. If he says he went to the store, I look for the receipt; ask what he bought or what bags they used. When he says he’s taking a shower, I check his phone, question why he needs a shower and uses cologne when I’m leaving for work.
Victim type women often have trust issues because we’ve been burned so often it’s hard to move past those prior betrayals. We look at every situation with a sense of doubt, over analyzing even the smallest detail in order to weed out a snake in the grass. As victim type women we also tend to attack someone who may be involved in our betrayal before attacking the betrayer himself. I am guilty of attacking the women my man has cheated on me with rather than face him. This is simply my way of keeping my faith in him by making the excuse he couldn’t help himself, it was her fault. Temptation is a nightmare I tell myself, I couldn’t resist I say even when I know its dead wrong.
Victim type women mostly look at trust as a good idea, but not a tangible one. Victim type women will instead base trust on what we think is real rather than the facts. We may convince ourselves that he is cheating when he’s not. We may convince ourselves that he faithful when he’s not. Victim type women can convince themselves of anything when trust is concerned which is our biggest downfall. We believe what we want and disbelieve what we choose. It is for these reasons we cannot trust anyone. I once read that a liars curse is that he cannot trust anyone else but the fact is a victim type women is the same way. Sometimes we don’t trust our own emotions or feelings because we are so mixed up.
Victim type women also forgive too quickly. We think of a way out for the person to blame. We create a solution for them rather than allow them to make things better. We make an excuse and will forgive a huge betrayal like cheating because we fear the loss of our relationship. Forgiveness is a good trait but when it becomes a hindrance and excuse than that’s when it’s no longer forgiveness but a problem. The key is to give three strikes, like baseball, before calling it quits. If your mate burns you three times even after you’ve forgiven him than you are a fool to let it continue. There are only so many excuses before you become the problem and not him.
As victim type women, our goal should be to eventually trust in ourselves and those around us. We should stop over analyzing and break things down into a neat pile we can sort through to make the real and imagined clear. If you catch him cheating, then you have caught him and there’s no excuse for it. If you haven’t, then stop enticing the cheating because eventually he will to get even. Don’t fight over nothing and don’t not fight over something. Learn to trust and distrust as needed not as you feel like it’s needed. My advice: Trust upfront until a solid reason to distrust has arisen.
Sex is sex. It’s a bonding experience to some and a casual encounter to others. As a victim type women sex to me is treasured. My womanhood is something I do not give up to any Joe Smo. The reason is sex is an act that brings me closer to my partner in theory, blends the two of us into a single unit. Sex is probably the most important thing to me because as a victim type woman, I look at sex as my sign that he loves me. I use sex to try and control what I perceive the relationship is about. If he sleeps with me, then he must love me and want a future right? The truth is no, sex cannot control a man and sometimes means nothing to the other party.
Victim type women look at sex like it makes the relationship good. Sex is a Band-Aid for victim type women, a temporary fix to decrease the anxiety of not feeling loved that often plagues victim type women. The truth is to most men, sex is simply a release and nothing more. Most men will sleep with any women, regardless of who she is. For a victim type woman, when the line of sex is crossed and a man cheats, it can be disastrous. We feel as if we have failed when in fact we haven’t. If a man goes out, that’s his choice and nothing we could have done would have stopped him. There is nothing to blame ourselves for but still in our minds it becomes a tug and pull of emotion. We start to wonder if he needs something, if we’ve wronged him some way. It’s silly really.
It’s these feelings that sometimes, not always but sometimes, causes victim type women to lower their pride and take on a fuck buddy. We think by having anonymous, string free sex, we won’t hurt. We convince ourselves that if we can make sex less loving and more of a task then we won’t feel bad when we get cheated on. It’s a skewed way to protect ourselves from feeling betrayed. The truth is this never works. Victim type women are too emotionally attached when sex is concerned to live this way. While some women can make it work for awhile, most fall into the idea we can change this man as well. He is a diamond we can polish and better. The fact is when fuck buddies becomes a last ditch effort, we’ve really lost ourselves completely.
Fuck buddy relationships never work. One party will always get hurt and when victim type women are involved they are most often that hurt party. Nothing about sex can be simple and emotionless. Sex will always be a form of love for victim type women and changing that is impossible because that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Sadly the reality of the real world is opposite. Don’t become a fuck buddy to cure what you think is wrong with you because honestly, it’s not you it’s who you are with. Why risk a STD to try and prove an impossible point to yourself? Victim type women are who we are and we aren’t the wrong ones. Sex is not just sex. It’s supposed to mean something in a relationship and when it doesn’t that’s where things go wrong. My advice: keep sex sacred above all.
Chapter Six: Quitting Time, No Overtime Allowed
When do you walk away from your boyfriend? When do you take a chance at something better? The answer is when the two of you are simply trying to hurt the other more than you’ve been hurt. If you cannot look one another in the eye without seeing a sea of regret and scorn, then why stay? Leaving is hard, it seems at the moment like a life ending moment but in reality it isn’t. Leaving can scar or soothe you.
Ending a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship differs for everyone but most of the time victim type women take it especially hard. The reason is because we put so much time and effort into a relationship we hate to let it go. Even worse is if we have given up so much for the relationship and still get left behind. It makes us feel useless, like we didn’t deserve the man when in fact he didn’t deserve us. Don’t ever give up your dreams or possessions for a man your dating because there is no connection between you two and if things go sour you cannot go back. Regret is the worst emotion, the ifs, ands and buts can destroy the victim type woman’s sense of self. It’s for these reasons that we must learn that the signs have probably been there awhile and we ignored them.
Seeing a shift in his actions, his disconnection from you can be clear when you watch for it. It can be small signs, like staying out late and sending calls to voicemail, or big signs like cheating (which you will always find out because victim type women are pretty much world class detectives). The signs will be there that the end is near; men seldom leave on a whim. Often it’s a planned course of action that victim type women has observed but filed away as nothing of importance even though we know it is.
If the two of you seldom go out together, rarely talk, and have more tense moments then happy, it’s time to discuss the inevitable. He may confirm it, breathe a sigh of relief that he doesn’t have to hide it and you can probably leave it on good terms. Although with us victim type women leaving on good terms doesn’t occur often. The betrayal and trust has been fractured so badly we cannot maintain a friendship, opting instead to make it a world war three worthy goodbye. My advice: Don’t ignore the signs then act surprised and hurt when the break up happens.
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Section Two: The “M” Word
Chapter Seven: Yes! Wait What?
When we are girls, we glamorize marriage. We think of princesses and princes, queens and kings, diamond rings and happy endings. The truth is fairy tales are tales and tales alone. Real life cannot and will not ever conform to those lies we were fed our whole life. This knowledge doesn’t come until it’s too late, after we have accepted an invitation into a marriage that is doomed from the beginning. We victim type women think of marriage as a steadfast guarantee but it’s not. Marriage can be a tool used to blind us, disorient us further than we ever have been before. For men marriage can mean control and nothing more. Yet a promise of a bright shining future can cause even the unhappiest woman to accept a proposal to a man she hates.
When we first see that diamond sparkling up at us, our first reaction is to say yes and start envisioning a white dress and flowers. Then the realization hits us and we see that this wedding may be the last thing we get to plan for the rest of our life. Victim type women view marriage as the step that takes us into a whole new realm of happiness, of bliss and picket fences and smiling faces. Usually the planning stage starts out fantastic, with excitement and worry free. As the planning continues and money and time comes into play the wedding becomes more of an enemy than a friend. The man may seem more distant than ever, angry even. Arguments about the marriage may occur when it hasn’t even happened yet.
The ring may feel like a heavy burden after a short time when we realize exactly what we agreed to and with whom we made that agreement. The guy who proposes to a victim type woman is usually not marriage material. A wedding to him is a show, a way to flaunt what he has and show how little control his wife has in front of everyone. Often the man enlists other women to “help” with the wedding because he honestly doesn’t trust his victim type bride with handling the arrangements. This infringement by other females lowers the victim type woman’s self esteem and soon she gives up trying and the wedding is no long hers, it’s an event she simply is part of.
Seeds of doubt creep in and make us reevaluate our rushed “yes”. Sometimes the victim type woman goes through chaos planning only to have her soon to be husband pull the plug out of spite. The victim type woman may act sad about the cancellation but in reality she may be relieved. The ring becomes a memento from a time we don’t want to remember instead of a loving keepsake. Of course the man will spring the question again, just to flex his control, and we usually accept, knowing full well it probably won’t happen. This back and forth damages the victim type woman’s view of marriage, sometimes permanently. Eventually marriage may become a joke or dream like movie to the victim type women.
If the marriage actually does occur then the victim type women feels like life will be kittens and sunshine forever now that it’s done and over but the sheer amount of new issues that sneak up make this fairy tale and serious Grimms twisted tale instead. For a victim type woman, marriage seems like a gateway into how we believe life should progress but how it really does progress for us can be terrible. My advice: Saying no may be better than accepting on a whim.
Chapter Eight: The Mighty Dollar
When in a marriage, money becomes an annoying pest that can drive one partner out of the marital bed and onto the couch. Money is different for married couples because things are shared. The key to money is to figure out where it needs to go and not where you want it to go. This can be difficult for victim type women because in our eyes it should go where he sees fit. The problem is he may see a motorcycle as fit when rent is two months late. Money doesn’t stretch forever, a budget is vital.
Deciding a plan can be tricky and even harder to follow when you’re a victim type woman. You may pay the bills but usually you don’t handle the money completely. The account may be in his name, the cards too. This merely is a sign the victim type woman is an accountant not an active member of the marriage. Victim type women are often good at getting things organized so their mate appreciates this skill and grants the woman limited access to the accounts. I know I have been granted card numbers and bank account numbers (you know the ones my money goes into and I never see) but when things get bad and my mate and I fight, he simply changes these account numbers therefore putting my organization skills into the toilet.
When it comes to telling our mate he can’t spend a certain amount or buy something he wants, disaster strikes. In theory victim type women are screwed either way. If the behavior is allowed and our mate spends when the money isn’t there, we will not be able to pay something that will infuriate him later when he finds out. The victim type woman will be blamed for failing even when she points out he did the wrong. By the way never point out that he spent the money, even if he did. It’s a waste of breath and useless because he will turn it around on you so just don’t bother. On the other hand if the victim type woman tells him no, then a fight ensues. There’s really no good way out of the situation.
The best way for victim type women to handle money is to keep a notebook with all transactions clearly written out and leave said notebook where their mate can see it at any time. This helps the man to stay in the loop and see what the victim type woman sees. This may or may not help completely since most often he will criticize the notebook and comment if he thinks something is wrong but at least it forces him to be involved. Where the victim type woman fails the most is ensuring this involvement. Most would rather do it alone then fear repercussion if something is wrong. My advice: Run the money but run his involvement in it as well, better safe than sorry.
Chapter Nine: On Your Mark, Get Set, Married Fight Time
Fighting when you’re married is far different than when you’re dating. Married people live in the same house which is a big difference between married and dating fights. When a problem occurs, the two parties have to face each other often; there is no way to really avoid a confrontation. Now most often than not victim type women strive to end a fight right away but the methods are insanely overbearing. Victim type women may make promises they can’t keep to please their mate, forgive things they don’t want to and do or allow things that bother them all in the name of marriage. Most often than not a victim type woman may hound her mate for forgiveness when all he wants is silence and to let the fight fade away on its own.
Victim type women seldom can leave things be and let issues settle because we want them solved now, like right now. Letting a fight simmer in a victim type woman’s eyes is putting the relationship at risk when in fact it may help. People need time to cool off when they are angry, yet victim type women need to solve the problem then cool off. The threat of a failed marriage propels us into an overdrive of anxiety and we must find a way to ensure our mate isn’t mad anymore because if he’s mad he may leave us forever. Even over little things a victim type women may think the marriage will end suddenly. It’s a skewed perception of righting wrongs that really could be solved easily through communication.
Victim type women have a hard time with communication because we have so much bottled up inside we don’t know where to begin to talk about it. These suppressed issues can’t be explained in a calm way because the more and more we talk about the issues the more frantic we become. It’s like realizing very slowly an avalanche is coming and we are doomed. Also victim type women choose mates who are not talented communicators either therefore hardly anything gets resolved. When two parties cannot talk decently about the problem, it never gets solved. In a marriage talking things through is vital not hounding a man over and over for false forgiveness.
Fights in marriage range cross into all areas of daily living. This differs from dating fights that often have to do with petty issues or objects. Married fights are about a household functioning properly, not just an object. Victim type women usually avoid married fights like the flu because married fighting cause a deep seated paranoia that may take weeks to fade. Victim type women also file away memories of every fight and every word or insult said to use in future fights as a deflection. We would rather not face an issue and decide it’s better to drive the fight into another direction that may seem less severe to keep the marriage together. This is similar to dating fights but much more complicated as well. The need to hold the marriage together overcomes all other needs so we concoct elaborate ways to “make it up” to our mate. We spoil them as a way to make things simply go away when in fact they don’t because we still worry and stress over the idea that the damage to the relationship has already been done.
A married fight does not mean we are getting divorced; it simply is an opportunity to fix the issue before it gets out of hand. Spoiling our mate as a way to fix things is simply rewarding the bad behavior and further weakening our stance in the marriage. Victim type women are at risk of losing respect from their mate because they cave and grovel which is not satisfying to most men. The victim type women’s men may think he wants her at his feet begging but once she’s there it disgusts him and he looks down on her as being pathetic. My advice: Fighting can be healthy if handled correctly and leads to communication. Otherwise it’s just going to get out of hand.
Chapter Ten: Hostage Negotiations
When you’re dating, hostage negotiations are rare. Hostage negotiations are defined as things your man threatens to take from you as punishment for some real or imagined wrong. Most people tend to consolidate belongings when they marry as well as income. With victim type women the amount we give is usually far more than we should. The fact is we want to please our mate so badly that giving up anything is within reason no matter what it means to us. It’s with that loss of control regarding possessions that we give a man the chance to hang stuff over our heads and punish us as they see fit by taking these things from us.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had my cell phone shut off simply to “teach me a lesson” for mouthing off or glancing at my mate wrong. I have walked away from nearly half a dozen jobs based purely on the fact that my mate didn’t “want” me to work there or didn’t like my hours. I have given up my right to my own money therefore ruining my ability to ever be able to manage my own finances because I’ve let someone else control them for so long I no longer know how to. Since all our finances are in my mates name and I have never pushed the issue to have my name added to the bank account, I also risk the loss of grocery money as well as gas money to get to work as punishment. This is common for most victim type women; we give to the point that we essentially are no longer adults but over grown children who get grounded when we are bad.
Often victim type women will try to take control by getting their own possessions in their own names but the lull of our mates reasoning may eventually end that independence. Victim type women are led astray easily by a man’s promises even when we know he has no intention of keeping his end of the bargain up. Lies from lips we love will always win over common sense. A liars promise to never shut the phone off again if we rejoin his plan offers enough false hope for change that’s enough of a lie that we will shut our own down and go back to the old ways. What we don’t realize is that this is his way of further flexing his control over us. When he says come back, we do. It’s this back and forth battle that causes our credit to decline since we cannot pay for what we have given up because he won’t let us.
If just once, one single time, a victim type women stuck to her guns and refused to follow the same cycle over and over maybe we would regain some of that control. At some point a victim type women has to look deeply at what she has and weigh it against what her mate has. If the scale tips his way and her side is empty, something needs to change. Stop and think: what do I want? And go from there. Now I’m not saying purposely start a fight or give up his cell contract, what I’m saying is find out what’s important to you that you can have on your own.
Determine how things can be separated equally by flexing your own control muscles and watch how things change. Don’t lose money, cars, phones and whatever else he threatens to take away simply because you want him to be happy. Victim type women deserve to be happy as well. One time let him take the phone or let him go without eating due to his refusal of grocery money. I promise when he realizes it’s not as much as a punishment as it is a blessing he will stop conducting hostage negotiations. My advice: Don’t share everything, some things are meant to be JUST ours.
Babies are cute, bubbly, happy little bundles of joy. The pitter patter of little feet may sound pleasing to almost all women but to victim type women it’s especially important. Children represent our chance to change the world, to do better for our kids than we have done for ourselves. Children represent a functioning relationship, a family unit to show off to those who doubt us. Children are a victim type woman’s world more than most normal women. We put everything, all our energy into perfecting our family in the eyes of everyone.
Often when a victim type woman first realizes she’s pregnant the initial reaction is pure panic. What will he say, what will he do, will things be ok? Instead of a joyous event of celebration we wonder if our mate will accept the opportunity and be happy like we are. The reason we have this worry is because we often feel the relationship is bad and the idea that he will be angry at the idea of a family scares us. Victim type women need a family to feel secure, like the relationship is real and the love she thinks she feels is valid. If our mate is unhappy with the idea our world can shatter.
Children represent a solid foundation to victim type women even when we actually know children will change nothing but make things worse. Most men who are with victim type women see a family as a burden because they are simply too selfish and free to consider settling down even knowing the women wants the family badly. The pitter patter of little feet mean a victim type women has accomplished something, is like every other normal women with a loving mate. The fact is as much as a victim type women thinks children will change our mate, they wont. Our mate is who he is and having a baby is not going to turn him into prince charming. Things can get worse for victim type women once kids are part of the relationship.
Victim type women are overly protective of children. When it comes down to choosing between the man and the kids, the kids will always win at the exact moment. It’s a fact that most women will put up with abuse before children are born but once they are, victim type women may leave their man to protect the children. The problem is victim type women go back when their mate asks or promises something or we even go back just because we don’t want to be alone with children. Victim type women think no one else will love them and the children even of its clear the father doesn’t. The hope he will change is too great.
Children are gifts and should be treated so by both mother and father. Victim type women want to feel normal and children and marriage go hand in hand with normalcy. When a fracture occurs that brings to light the real facts of the relationship and the danger to the children, it often forces the victim type women’s hand. Wanting better for our children is good motivation for victim type women and many may eventually get away from the victim relationship because of the children. My advice: If you tell him you’re pregnant and he yells and fights with you, leave before the kids, don’t let it get worse until your hand is forced.
Chapter Twelve: Tight Rope Walking
Do you feel like you’re walking on egg shells? Scared to make a move for fear that a battle will ensue? This is what I call tight rope walking. If you are being abused physically and emotionally then tight rope walking becomes the norm. This is not ok. Victim type women are prone to physically abusive relationships because we accept that maybe we deserve it. No one deserves to be hit or emotionally crippled. Physical abuse is meant to intimidate victim type women into staying and living as they always have. A man who hits a woman is only going to increase the abuse over time. It’s never a onetime incident so if it happens once and he apologizes don’t fall for it. This is how he will control you by making you feel like he didn’t mean it.
Abuse is a shameful thing and victim type women are not proud of the situation. They hide the abuse as best they can, make excuses and erasing the hurt little by little. Long shirts, turtle neck sweaters, jeans in the summer, whatever it takes to keep people from knowing what’s happening. The problem with victim type women is they can be convinced of anything so the abuser takes advantage of this fault and exploits it. The man will blame the victim type women for her own abuse, making her feel as if she’s done some imaginary wrong or is not bending to his will.
A victim type woman is so eager to please and keep things together she will take the blame without hesitation even if this wrong supposedly she’s done isn’t real. A man may abuse the victim type woman over something ridiculous like the notion that she’s seeing someone else when she’s not or because he thinks she’s back talking him. Often the victim type women doesn’t even know why she’s being abused but the man will find some excuse and make her feel that she’s to blame. It’s how things work and always will. Taking the blame and being hit is not going to make him love you more. Admitting to something you have not done will simply show him he’s the boss.
Emotional abuse takes a much deeper root in the victim type woman’s life. Emotional abuse can be far more crippling to a women than physical because it digs its way into our psyche and stays there festering. Of the two, emotional abuse it worse in my opinion because you can escape physical scars but emotional scars run too deep to erase without a string support system. Being told constantly that you are worthless, pathetic, no one will ever love you and your stupid can be devastating. We lose our self confidence, we start to believe the lies we are being fed and we become mixed up inside. When we doubt ourselves, we start to think we have no other choice than to hold onto the man we are with because there isn’t anyone else for us.
Often a man will downgrade a victim type women’s looks and sometimes will go as far as to force her to wear clothes that are far from flattering. I myself have been forced into oversized t shirts and baggy jeans. This emotional abuse is meant to make us feel ugly; like we do not measure up to our mate or other women therefore we must stay with what we have. You are beautiful and that is the reason WHY he is trying to take it away from you. Obviously you are a beautiful person to attract him to begin with right? Don’t doubt yourself because once that happens, you are his doormat forever. My advice: Realize what’s really happening and who’s to blame or the abuse will destroy you. Don’t be a circus performer.
Chapter Thirteen: Free Therapy You Didn’t Want
Everyone has opinions and most of the time these opinions are things you need or want to hear at that moment. Yet victim type women are forced into succumbing to everyone else’s advice and guidance because we so badly want everyone around us to be pleased with us. Making everyone happy regardless of our own happiness is important because we think we are who people perceive us as. The problem is victim type women are different around everyone in their lives. Victim type women, as mentioned before, tend to mold ourselves around our mate. We also do this molding with the people we interact with. At work we may seem one way, at home another and in public another way.
It is because we act different to each person that we seek their advice hoping one may help. The problem is this advice is based on other people’s observations of how we act but if we act different than we really are the advice is not valid. Advice based on a fake personality cannot work if we are different at home. How can you apply a lesson if you’re really not the way you act to the person giving you advice? Yet everyone we come into contact with can see our unhappiness even if we attempt to mask it. Bruises, puffy eyes and sadness often cannot be hidden from those that see us often.
Coworkers are guilty of free therapy more than often. Since co workers see us daily, it’s easy to know when something is off. Victim type women may wave off the “what’s wrong?” questions but eventually victim type women collapse and end up listening to the advice simply to please the advice giver. Family members can also be serial therapy we didn’t want givers. Your family hears the stress and anxiety when you talk and sometimes they are present to see the relationship issues up close and personal. Family will react when they think you are being abused and treated wrong but often the reaction simply pushes victim type women away instead of helping. Victim type women hold their mate so high; we feel as if someone giving us advice is attacking the man we love.
The free therapy lesson victim type women get from all sides only confuses us, like spinning around for so long everything blurs together. We want to make our family happy by changing the situation so we lie, saying their advice worked even when we didn’t even do anything. We want to make our coworkers happy with us so we create elaborate stories of happy times and thank them profusely for their input when in fact we are blatantly lying. Free therapy hurts us, makes us angry because we don’t want others to point out the flaws, we want them hidden. We also know once the flaws have been noticed and the therapy given, we must react to lull the issues so that no one notices our unhappiness anymore.
You can’t make everyone happy. If listening to free therapy is only making you angrier or confused more about how to handle things, tell the person. If you want people to stop giving free therapy all together simply keep everything to yourself, don’t react to home issues, instead fake a personality and put on a whole new persona to keep people thinking things are good. Another tip is don’t bring problems to work and talk about your personal life at all. My advice: if you don’t want free therapy, don’t let people in on what’s going on. A smile and “I’m ok” will end a thousand questions and free therapy sessions.
Chapter Fourteen: The “D” Word
Divorce is really not as bad as most make it out to be. The idea of divorce though sends victim type women on a tirade of emotions from sadness, anger, hopelessness and cause feelings of worthlessness. These emotions can completely drain the women before anything even occurs, simply the mention of divorce can do it. Divorce is scary because victim type women do not enjoy change or feeling like we’ve failed at something. Failing at most things can be dealt with but failing at marriage is worse because we feel as if everyone will judge us harshly. Victim type women often worry about what people will say, if they will notice the relationship was terrible and whisper behind our backs and where we will go after the divorce.
Due to most victim type women respecting their bodies greatly, the idea of dating and sleeping with another man is terrifying. Most victim type women have low self esteem and body dismorphic disorder. We fear what we will look like in someone else’s eyes. At least with our mate we knew what to expect, with someone new we fear the judgment that follows. Following a divorce one of two things will occur for victim type women: either they will stay single for a long time hoping for reconciliation with their mate even when he moves on or they throw caution to the wind and act out of order trying to feel better about themselves.
When the first situation happens, we hold onto the marriage until it becomes absolutely undeniably clear our mate will not take us back. I’ve even gone as far as forcing a former lover get a restraining order against me because I simply could not let go. Once the hope has been extinguished and left to smolder only then can victim type women attempt to move on. Though even if we do, we may still look back with what ifs for months, even years. A marriage is something victim type women hold high and when it’s over, the need to remarry and settle down again makes it impossible for victim type women to find a suitable mate thus the vicious cycle begins again with us settling for anything because of the fear of nothing.
When the second situation occurs, then this resembles the fuck buddy stage. We may sleep with someone we barely know in the hopes that sex will create a relationship. We may let go of our values and concentrate on trying to make the hurt go away even for a little while. The bottom line is eventually we panic and dwell on the divorce and blame it for our chaos. Being promiscuous only makes victim type women feel worse and lower about their original mate not better.
Divorce is simply another part of life and victim type women need to understand its mainly due to their inability to handle fights and their terrible choice at a mate to begin with. Just because he asks does not mean it’s meant to be. He may cancel again and again a proposal so he does that how will marriage hold any value to him? Victim type women need to understand if a marriage is doomed from the beginning then a divorce is imminent. It’s honestly not the end of the world. It can be an opportunity to change and try to find someone worth our time. My advice is: If you mate wants a divorce, he didn’t value the marriage and never would no matter what we did. Let it go.
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Section Three: I’m Not What You Say I Am
Chapter Fifteen: Lessons I Didn’t Care To Learn
We follow paths that make us who we are. It’s because of these paths that we alter, that we reform and change into a final product. These paths make us who we are, teach us our values and expectations. Sometimes these paths are lessons we didn’t care to learn. These lessons are just as important as good lessons because we can learn from even the worse situations. Everything that happens to victim type women can be twisted into a good lesson if looked at a certain way.
One lesson no one cares to learn is that just because you love and honor someone doesn’t mean they will do the same for you. Victim type women take this lesson hard. We look at this lesson as an enemy because it hurt us, made us face the fact that not everyone is what we imagine them to be. The truth is people will lie to you; they will take advantage of you and hurt you on purpose. This is NOT a bad lesson even though we don’t want to learn it. This helps victim type women see that sometimes people we value aren’t worth the amount of value we place on them. If a victim type women can learn this and accept this lesson rather than be angry at it and defy its worth then she will live happier and get burned less often.
Another lesson victim type women don’t care to learn is once a cheater always a cheater. Victim type women want to believe it was an accident, it was the other woman’s fault, that our mate couldn’t possibly have wanted to do it. The fact is he did it and if he will do it once he will do it again. The other women is to blame as well but honestly if your man loved you and cherished you, cheating would not cross his mind. This lesson is vital because it protects us from sexually transmitted disease and feeling worse about ourselves. This lesson is hardest because it shoves our mate off his pedestal and into the abyss of reality. This lesson may seem like one we don’t want to learn but trust me it will save you both heartache and save your health. Learn this lesson no matter how much it hurts and makes you cry.
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