How
to Get the Best from Your Kids
…and love them in the process!
Frank McGinty
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Frank McGinty
All rights reserved.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal use only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Dedication
To my wife, Grace, who always inspires me with her love and enthusiasm for life.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 Welcome to the Club!
Chapter 2 Those Troublesome Boys!
Chapter 3 Life with the Kingsleys
Chapter 4 Basic Needs
Chapter 5 Self-Esteem in Parents
Chapter 6 Forging Those Bonds
Chapter 7 My Kids Resent Me!
Chapter 8 Self-Esteem in Children
Chapter 9 Laying Down the Law!
Chapter 10 The Emotional Whirlpool
Chapter 11 When Communication Lines Are Down
Chapter 12 Why Are They So Irritable?
Chapter 13 Helping Kids Cope with School Stress
Chapter 14 Preventing - Or Coping With! - A Crisis
Chapter 15 Recognizing and Dealing with Depression
Chapter 16 A Parent’s Survival Kit
Chapter 17 The P.E.A.C.E Formula
Chapter 1
Welcome to the Club!
Are your kids driving you crazy?
Welcome to the club! It seems to go with the job of being a parent these days. Some parents - the lucky few - are able to sail through the whole experience, loving every minute. But I don’t know any of them. Do you?
If you’re anything like me, you’ve already had your fair share of: worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, outrage, depression - as well as moments of pleasure, joy, pride, satisfaction and even bliss.
In other words, the full spectrum of human emotions; all brought on by those bundles of joy that arrived ten, twelve, or fifteen years ago. But it’s not the joy and happiness that cause the sleepless nights. It’s the other side of the coin. Sadly, it’s in the area of parenting skills that lots of parents feel a degree of lack, especially nowadays.
Why nowadays? Because we all know that kids today are the worst ever! Of all the kids in human history, we’re landed with the most disrespectful, the most disobedient, the most cynical, the most untrustworthy, the most…blah! blah! blah! Did you know that a document exists from the time of Plato (around 300 BC) complaining of exactly the same traits in the youth of his day? Maybe ours aren’t so bad. Maybe they’re just the same.
Or maybe they're even better! Believe it or not, I see trends and a degree of enlightenment in many young people, which make me think this may be true.
You may ask:
Who are you?
Why do you think you can tell us how to bring up our kids?
What do you know that the rest of us don’t?
These are the questions I would ask before trusting anything in a book. Can this person really offer me something to help ease the pain and frustration of being a parent and – more importantly - can he help me bring up my kids to be happy, responsible, contented citizens?
My Credentials
First and foremost, I’ve been there. I’ve three kids of my own, two recently out of their teens and the youngest not far behind. Let me say up front, being a successful parent wasn’t easy. Yet I would claim my wife and I were successful.
All three of our kids came through childhood, school and college as high achievers, avoiding the pitfalls of drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, crime and so on. They discovered their individual talents and developed them. All three are now showing signs of being the well-adjusted, coping, contributing members of society mentioned above.
Sorry if this seems boastful and arrogant. It’s not meant to. It’s a statement of fact, and it’s there to establish my credentials. What you’re about to read are not some airy-fairy, do-gooder theories. It’s all based on training, plus hard experience, including many personal mistakes and some poor judgments.
Apart from my experiences as a parent, I also have years of teaching behind me, many of them as a Guidance Teacher in a U.K. high school. I’m also one of life’s natural observers! I enjoy watching, listening, and generally working out what makes people tick. I’m fascinated by the development processes in young people, and I’ve already put my observations into two books to help them be all they can be.
I’ve had the privilege of working with doctors, psychologists and other professionals, helping parents and children unravel the knots that sometimes entangle their relationships. What you’re about to read is a distillation of years of observation. As I say, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but thankfully my family and I have emerged unscathed and happy.
If these observations on life help you on your journey with your kids, then I’ll be delighted… And in the last chapter you’ll get the PEACE formula, a brief memory-jogger that will help you recall the main points we’re about to discuss.
Let’s start! I think the first thing we must appreciate nowadays is that whereas our kids are basically the same as their counterparts in bygone eras, there’s been a major shift in their perception of (or beliefs about) the nature of authority. Let’s consider that for a few minutes.
Read on!
* * * *
Chapter 2
We were under way on our school trip to Holland. There’d been a five-hour coach ride to the port of Hull in the East of England, and now the party was settled into the overnight ferry. All was well! The school kids - a party of eighty teenage girls - had enjoyed the eat-as-much-as-you-like buffet in the huge on-board dining room. Now, after sampling the seven different desserts and ice creams there was a struggle to fit into the dancing gear as they prepared to strut their stuff at the disco-dance in the ship’s spacious lounge.
So far, so good. Then the trouble started.
Some of the teachers were becoming fretful about the presence of a group of German lads who’d noticed the party of teenage girls - and couldn’t believe their luck. Some of the lads even had the cheek to come over and ‘chat up’ the girls. The teachers intervened. This could get out of hand, after all. They told the boys in no uncertain terms to keep away - and the boys gave them a mouthful of derision and yahoos in return.
‘Let’s get the girls below and into their cabins. This could turn nasty,’ someone advised.
This was met by complaints from the girls and another round of derision from the boys, whose broken English was good enough to let them catch the drift.
Indeed, things could have turned nasty. The teachers had a serious duty. They’d been entrusted with the care of other people’s children, and what parents want their kids subjected to a raucous mob of hostile boys?
Then a wise and experienced teacher stepped in. Making use of her years of experience with young people, she approached the German youths. On her face was neither a frown nor a scowl. Instead, there was a broad, friendly and welcoming smile. She greeted the boys in their native tongue, making jokes about her poor accent, but letting them know she’d spent some happy times in Germany many years ago. Where were they from? Had they been to England on vacation? Had they had a good time? Were they students or did they have jobs? Did they enjoy trying out their English?
Within a few minutes, the so-called ‘mob’ had turned into the friendliest bunch of lads you could hope to meet. They laughed, they joked, and they shook hands with everyone in the spirit of international friendship that you see so often among young people. Then down to business. The teacher explained that her colleagues were worried about the girls’ welfare, that was all. Would the boys please co-operate by not annoying anyone, so that everyone - themselves included - could enjoy a few hours at the disco?
Well, we sat there with those boys and girls for over four hours. The boys and girls chatted and joked and danced and sang. One couple became slightly amorous on the dance floor. The DJ, aware of the spirit of the evening, turned a spotlight on them and made a joke of it. Everyone laughed and the young lad pretended to slink back to the cover of his friends, who cheered and applauded.
As the leader of the group, I was particularly concerned about my students’ welfare (all girls on this occasion remember). Yet thanks to the skills, courage and genuine kindliness of one of our teachers a potentially threatening situation had not only been avoided, but turned into a great night for all. In the small hours of the morning when it was time for the girls to go to their cabins, the boys booed and complained - but it was all in fun. The girls left reluctantly, but the trip had, in fact, got off to a great start.
Now, let’s not kid ourselves. Some of these friendly German youths may well have been the type who create havoc at football matches, particularly against their English counterparts. Some of our girls were no angels either! But with skilful handling, the positive side of their nature was brought out, to the extent that they all enjoyed a good time in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
The ‘Higher Self’
I believe strongly that everyone can be encouraged to display his or her ‘higher self’ or ‘good side’. We all have one! Yet in our family situations we so often see the opposite.
Then there’s the question of blame. Kids blame their parents for being restrictive, heavy-handed and authoritarian. Parents blame the kids for being selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful.
Who Is To Blame?
Do we need to ask that question? Let's change it, because a blame culture helps no–one! Yes, there are causes for things going wrong and relationships turning sour, but let’s leave the question of blame aside. Apportioning blame only sours relationships.
Let’s, instead, focus on the causes of the disruption and work towards alleviating them. In the situation above, one thing was brought home, loudly and clearly, although most of the teachers had been aware of it for some time:
Gone are the days when most parents and carers could rely on a God-given authority to control their youngsters.
Many regret its passing, claiming kids need, and deep-down want, a heavy-handed approach to let them know they’re not in charge. This gives them a feeling of security. If kids are bridling against it today, these people say, it’s all the fault of the media, which encourages them to indulge themselves in every possible way.
They may have a point about the media, but others would claim the heavy-handed approach just doesn’t work. It may appear to work in some cases, but cowing youngsters into submission is not a recipe for bringing up confident, kind-hearted young adults.
So what are we to do? If it’s a case of ‘parental authority no more’, where do we stand?
It’s not really a case of ‘parental authority no more’. It’s all a matter of how that authority is exercised, and how it comes across to our children. The secret lies in setting up a bond of friendship with our kids. Ideally, we must get them on our side, right from the start.
Many parents claim they’ve done that. They used to enjoy excellent relationships with their kids, taking them to the beach and the zoo, and giving them birthday parties. But it all went wrong, almost overnight, when the teenage years kicked in. At that point the relationship went down the tubes, and there’s been not so much a generation gap as a widening chasm ever since.
Here is the nub of the problem. Nothing magical happens when a child becomes a teenager! The dreaded teenage ‘attitude’, contrary to these claims, does not just happen overnight. It only appears to!
It probably happens more like this: Most of us dote on our younger children, but we’re not so confident and assured with them as they grow older. Teenagers are a weird bunch, aren’t they? They have their own fashions, usually hideous from our point of view; they listen to ‘awful’ music; and they become moody and critical. They’re no fun to be with much of the time.
And they grow. They lose their ‘cute little kid’ looks; they complain about school and start to have problems with their studies and relationships. They even take an interest in sex!
While all this has been steadily increasing, we, the parents, have been steadily retreating - gradually, imperceptibly, either because we feel disinterested in what our kids are turning to, or because we feel threatened by them and don’t know how to cope. Since this is all going on slowly and is unacknowledged, when the ‘gulf’ appears it’s as though it has crept up overnight - and we blame it on the teenage years!
What’s The Answer?
Hard and unpalatable as it may seem, we have to make a supreme effort to stay in touch with our kids. It’s not easy. According to us, decent music may have stopped in the 1980s, and Sean Connery was the one and only James Bond. But if we learn more about today’s music and fashions and what’s happening on TV for a younger audience, we’ll find the contact between our offspring and ourselves can survive.
There’s nothing new about this. It’s all been said before. Yet any time you come across a family where they ‘don’t talk’ you find that the parents have neither the knowledge nor the desire to learn about what interests their kids.
Recently an educational psychologist was working with a girl who was, to put it mildly, disruptive. The girl's behavior in class was out of order - she was always pushing others, dropping things, being inattentive and so on – and she never, ever spoke to her teachers. When questioned, the girl put up a wall of silence. No one, it seemed, could get through to her.
After the psychologist's first session with the girl, a colleague who had observed them chatting away was amazed. ‘She actually spoke to you! How on earth did you manage that?’
Not only that, she spoke to the psychologist on many subsequent occasions and discussed her difficulties in detail.
What Was The Secret?
In that first discussion, one topic and one topic only was raised. At the start the psychologist made sure he did all the talking. He asked the girl if she liked a certain TV show about ‘wannabe’ pop stars. Without waiting for a reply, he told her he loved it and went on to talk about the pros and cons of the various singers. The girl was amused and smiled. The psychologist smiled back and she laughed when he told her that every week he voted for a particular candidate. The idea of a middle-aged grown-up voting for a singer! And she told the psychologist what she thought of that.
Within minutes she was telling him who she thought should win. The conversation strayed to one or two other pop stars and their merits or demerits, but that was the content of their first meeting. The girl agreed to come back for another session.
Soon they were talking about other things, such as why she never spoke to her teachers. She agreed it was a ploy to unnerve and annoy them. But why?
‘All they ever do is pick on me.’
Annoying them obviously made her feel better. In most situations in life, whether we care to admit it or not, we all tend to work on the 'What's in it for me?' principle. As motivational speakers are so fond of telling us, we tend to move towards what gives us pleasure and away from what gives us pain. This girl had so much resentment against adults or authority figures that she took great pleasure in winding them up whenever they 'got at' her. She wasn’t against being civil, or even friendly; she just felt that being nasty to teachers who ordered her about was a more rewarding strategy than obeying them!
When someone was prepared to laugh and joke with her, and spend some time away from the ‘normal’ business of school… Well, that set up a bond that grew and developed and thus enabled the girl to be open to support and guidance.
It’s the same in many families.
Parents so easily lose the contact of friendship with their kids and come to be seen as ogres or, at best, people who are there to get on to them. It’s SO EASY to lose contact. The bond slips away, gently, gently - further and further, while we busy ourselves in our other ‘important’ duties, which are often a cover for being defensive! So often we parents begin to doubt our own parenting skills and hide behind the idea of providing material things, claiming our time is taken up by other responsibilities. We feel guilty and do our best to bury the guilt, or at least to pretend it’s not there.
Respect
That can make parents come across as pompous and at times hypocritical, so their kids lose respect for them - and all the time poor old Mum and Dad are suffering from low self-esteem or a lack of parenting confidence! What’s required is the investment of time in trying to stay in touch with the kids’ needs, likes and dislikes. This will be explored fully later.
We’ll also consider the plight of parents who are not so much concerned about teenagers, but only because they don’t have any real relationship with their pre-teen kids.
First of all, let’s meet the Kingsleys…
* * * *
Chapter 3
The Kingsleys are a well-known and respected family in their neighborhood. They’re delighted to have their story told, but have asked for their name to be changed.
Mum and Dad Kingsley often struggled to make ends meet. Dad was a fire fighter and brought home a reasonable pay. This was the only income for many years as Mum had agreed to stay at home to bring up their four kids. They lived in a three-bedroom end-terrace house near the centre of the city. They could have done with more space, especially when the four kids began to develop their individual interests.
They had three girls and a boy, who was the youngest. The kids shared two bedrooms easily when they were small, but eventually the boy had to have his own room. Mum and Dad moved into the smallest bedroom, and the boy was given the middle-sized one on the understanding that it would double as a study and practice room for the girls during the early evening. The three girls took over Mum and Dad’s larger bedroom.
The Kingsleys were an active and artistic family. They had inherited an old piano from one of their grandparents and they liked to thump away on it, while two of the girls also practiced the flute and the violin. The young lad liked to sing, and could often be heard, totally uninhibited, at the top of his voice. The parents paid for music lessons, and at times the kids’ practice sessions were not so much loud as chaotic!
There were occasional fights and disagreements as to whose turn it was to do what and where – and there was the odd complaint from the neighbors, who were on the whole sympathetic but could only take so much.
To make matters worse the Kingsleys had rabbits and hamsters as pets, and often used to let them run up and down the hallway, so the woodwork and wallpaper were frequently gnawed and chewed!
One of the girls was an especially keen reader and enjoyed drama. Often friends and relations were invited round for impromptu plays and performances of all kinds. Chaos ruled!
But this was a family that ‘functioned’.
Despite the financial and accommodation challenges - to say nothing of the toll on their nerves! - Mum and Dad Kingsley focused their whole lives on their family. Each child was valued as an individual, was listened to, accommodated and chastised as necessary - and all were encouraged to develop their interests and set their sights high. At school concerts and awards ceremonies there were no prouder parents than the Kingsleys. This family was not too good to be true. They had their challenges like everyone else, but faced them positively and unselfishly.
The Result?
Not only were the parents spared the misery of having depressed, anxious, substance-abusing children, but they lived to see them all growing into well-balanced, contributing citizens. At the time of writing the eldest girl is a professional musician, two more are at university, and the boy is working abroad for a year with a view to becoming a journalist. Dad Kingsley says seeing his kids turn out well was worth all the hassle - and at times he even misses the noise around the house!
The Kingsley parents made sure that the basic needs of their children were met. Let’s spend a moment or two considering those needs.
* * * *
Chapter 4
“We gave her everything money could buy,
She’s leaving home after living alone
for so many years.”
(Lennon & McCartney)
This is a familiar and all too regular complaint from parents. We sacrificed everything, they say, just as the Kingsleys did, but still it all went wrong. The offspring flee the nest, leaving behind a trail of misery and incomprehension. Where did we go wrong? the parents ask, and start blaming themselves.
They know only too well they scrimped and scraped to put food on the table and clothes on their backs - and this was their reward? It doesn’t make sense.
And yet…
What most of these parents don’t realize is that somewhere on life’s journey they lost the bond of communication between themselves and their children. That’s why a child or young adult can ‘live alone’ for years, even while deep in the bosom of the family. It may seem painfully obvious, but keeping the lines of communication open is absolutely vital. That doesn’t just mean talking to your children! It means being aware of their needs and responding to them.
What are these needs?
They can be broken down into four categories:
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
Spiritual
Very often the parents who bemoan the fact that they gave their kids everything and got nothing in return, have simply failed to understand that there’s more to it than meeting the physical and material needs.
But let’s not underestimate these physical needs.
If you don’t eat, you don’t live. According to Mercy Corps, 31 million Americans are ‘food insecure’, which means they are either hungry or are unsure where their next meal is coming from. Of these 31 million, 12 million are children. This is in America, remember, not some developing country, but the richest nation on earth. We all need food and drink, plus warmth, clothing and shelter to protect us from the elements. These will sustain life, but by themselves won’t promote well-being or positive relationships.
Charles Dickens knew this only too well. In Oliver Twist the lack of insight of the ruling Victorian class is shown up when Oliver is berated and punished for his lack of gratitude. The ‘workhouse’ has provided a bare minimum of food, clothing and shelter for the orphans - but precious little else, and certainly no love and affection. Yet they are outraged when the orphans are not falling over themselves with gratitude!
The same problem persists in many homes today. Despite the fact that many kids have more material goods and luxuries than at any other time in history, their lives are miserable because some or all of their other basic needs are not met.
Probably the most obvious of these other needs is emotional in nature. Everyone can see the importance of love and affection, but there are other, more subtle needs in this area. Children need constant reassurance! When the personality is forming, we are constantly on the lookout for feedback to help us determine what to accept and what to reject. We also form our picture or ideas about ourselves from the feedback we get from those around us. This is a process often overlooked or misunderstood by some parents.
It’s so easy to praise young Jimmy’s skills on the soccer field, but to forget that young Emily’s doleful scraping on the violin is equally important to her - and equally praiseworthy if she’s making an effort! Jimmy may grow out of his soccer fad, while Emily may eventually discover a real talent and become a word famous musician! Or she too may give it up as a bad job, but the important thing is her confidence has grown and she feels appreciated by her parents. It’s the positive feedback that counts, not whether she’s brilliantly successful. Life is a process of trial and error, after all. It’s how Emily responds to the experience that really matters, not whether it’s taken further.
If we take the time to listen to our kids, to take their interests and ideas seriously - even if they seem petty, trivial or irrelevant to us - then we are investing heavily in our children’s emotional well-being.
One of the saddest incidents I can recall was an interview with a parent and child in which the mother showed no insight whatsoever into her daughter’s needs. It was obvious to her teachers that this child had not received much love or affection in her life. Then her cat was taken ill, and for the girl this was a major crisis. The cat eventually died and the girl went to pieces. She was distraught with grief.
Her mother was at her wits’ end, and came into school for a ‘guidance’ session. Her daughter was with her - pale, drawn and sobbing quietly. The mother railed on. What a silly little idiot her daughter was! She needed to pull herself together and stop making a complete fool of herself. She wasn’t eating properly and she couldn’t concentrate at school. ‘And all because of a damned cat! It’s only a cat, for God’s sake!’
The mother went on and on and the girl’s quiet sobs turned into loud, wracking cries. In her voice you could detect anger and frustration as well as grief. You see, neither the mother nor anyone else in the family, it seemed, was in touch with the girl’s needs and feelings.
Mum couldn’t see that their relationship lacked any real expression of love and affection. The daughter, feeling unloved and unable to express love to her parents, had over the years transferred all her feelings to her cat. So instead of being ‘just a damned cat’, this pet had taken on a far greater significance for the child. The loss, whilst meaning nothing to the mother, was quite devastating for the daughter. Hard as it may seem, the loss of a pet is for many children more traumatic than the loss of a parent! Sadly, this is something counsellors and psychologists have witnessed many times.
Whereas a growing number of parents are becoming aware of the importance of emotional needs, some still appear to be unaware of the importance of the other two categories, intellectual and spiritual needs.
Children who perform better at school consistently come from families where there’s a lot of mental stimulation through: play; a variety of experiences; discussions and conversations.
There’s still a belief among many that the children who do well at school just happen to be the ‘brainy’ or ‘clever’ ones. Whether a child is ‘brainy’ does not depend so much on the amount of brains he or she has been endowed with - we all have roughly the same number of little grey cells! - but on the stimulation the child receives and the thought processes he or she develops.
Unfortunately, many children whose brainpower is highly developed often achieve little or nothing at school when their emotional needs are not catered for. (Everyone is different, and in some cases emotionally challenged children can even do the opposite: they compensate for their loss by high achievement in intellectual areas.)
Finally, there is the spiritual area. That children (or people in general) have spiritual needs sometimes comes as a shock to parents, and others even hotly dispute this need. Religion tends to be one of the most disputed and controversial areas of life, but spiritual needs are not necessarily related to religious beliefs. Many people automatically assume they are.
It’s now generally accepted in psychology that we do have spiritual needs. We need to be aware, first of all, that there are greater forces and powers at work in nature and in the universe, and that our lives work best when we are in harmony with them.
This sort of attitude can be fostered by encouraging children to develop a sense of awe and wonder about the grandeur of the world. They have to learn to respect nature and the life force which permeates it. Onto this can be built an appreciation of the diversity and variety of human lives and customs. As a result children grow up with a value system, which when followed can lead to contentment and happiness. Often this is related to a specific religious code, but it can equally be related to an ethical or philosophical stance.
The Lack of a Value System
So many children today, however, seem to have lost their sense of wonder and they struggle to develop a value system. This often results in a lack of respect for anyone and anything, so we have the modern phenomenon of elderly and disabled people being attacked ‘just for fun’, and property being vandalized and institutions ridiculed because ‘it gives me a buzz’.
This need for ‘a buzz’ (or the equivalent slang word in your country) is one that teachers hear so often, and always seems to be present in children who lack a value system. Whether the need for a destructive ‘buzz’ is based on resentment or unchanelled energy is not clear - but it is often present in children and seems to be related to a lack of spiritual values.
If the basic human needs are not met within the home, they tend to be sought after elsewhere - often in negative ways or with negative consequences. A hungry child will steal food, for example, and may be punished as a result. Children who feel unloved will often seek what they hope will be a form of love in promiscuous behaviour. It’s not unknown for many young teenage girls to become pregnant in order to have someone to love and who will love them in return. Children who fall victim to pedophiles are often emotionally-deprived, vulnerable kids who respond to what they interpret as love, affection and attention.
Teachers the world over will talk about children who create havoc both as a means of getting attention and as revenge because they feel they have been denied attention at home. (The havoc may, of course, be a response to deficiencies in the educational experience, but that’s another story.) Drug-taking, alcohol abuse, theft, aggressive behaviour - all these and more can stem from the fact that parents were unaware or unsure of their children’s basic needs and were unwilling or unable to provide for them.
So let’s look in more detail at how we can meet our children’s needs and, by so doing, build up their self-esteem. First and foremost, we must ensure that our own self-esteem is up to the mark!
* * * *
Chapter 5
Your chances of raising kids who are well-balanced, contented, relaxed and at peace with themselves and others, will be greatly enhanced if you have these qualities yourself. This sounds obvious, doesn’t it?
Achieving these qualities is another matter, and if you feel you don’t have them or they could do with a boost, then you can take steps to raise your own self-esteem. First let’s concentrate on how your self-esteem (or lack of it) can affect your kids, then we’ll have a few pointers on how to raise your self-esteem. Here are two scenarios.
Case Study: Gillian
Gillian was a slightly under-sized girl for her thirteen years, and she had a fairly bright, outgoing personality. After two years at high school, her teachers said more or less the same in her reports:
‘Gillian is an able girl who is under-achieving. She has a habit of starting assignments and projects well, but always seems to fall away or lose interest before completing them. She has great potential, but are we ever going to see it flourish?’
Interviews with Gillian’s mother threw some light on the problem. The mother presented herself as a much younger person, dressing and wearing make-up that would have been more appropriate for a teenager. Gillian on the other hand, who was a teenager, did not wear make-up and dressed rather dowdily for a girl of her age.
Her mother came across as very caring and protective. There was obviously a strong bond between them, but Mum rarely had a good word to say about Gillian’s abilities. She was convinced her daughter was a slow-learner and should be placed in classes for children with special educational needs. According to her mother, Gillian was under-achieving because teachers had failed to recognize or diagnose her difficulties and were putting too much pressure on her. The teachers’ expectations should be more realistic! And so it went on.
Gillian was given every type of psychological profiling and diagnostic testing the school and the educational psychologist could muster. The results? There were no signs of the dyslexia or other conditions her mother claimed. Instead, Gillian demonstrated that she was a girl with high potential, but limited confidence.
Much work was done with the mother rather than the girl, as it became clear that Gillian was posing more and more of a threat to her mum as the years went by. The mother’s marriage had broken up years ago, and she felt she was a failure with no future. Deep down she dreaded being overtaken by her daughter, so in her own mind she exaggerated, if not even invented, learning difficulties for Gillian. It was important to her that Gillian should remain a ‘child’ for as long as possible.
You can see how the mother’s low self-esteem was affecting Gillian’s life. There was a clear ambivalence: on one level her mother obviously wanted to do the best for her daughter, so she cared for her and complained when it appeared the educational system was failing them. On another, probably subconscious, level she could not admit she had a blossoming, able daughter who would be a success in life and might therefore show up her mum’s ‘inadequacies’.
Case Study: Alan
Scenarios like Alan’s are much more common than Gillian’s. Alan was a likeable lad, who enjoyed good relationships with his parents. He worked hard at school with a grim, almost fanatical dedication. Yet he struggled with mathematics and science. These difficulties were causing him to become depressed.
Alan had a particularly close relationship with his dad. From an early age they had done everything together: watched football, gone fishing, and all the usual father-son activities. Alan was always eager to please the old man.
What Alan didn’t know was that Dad had a chip on his shoulder. In his youth he had wanted to study medicine, but had never achieved the necessary grades for medical school. He blamed this on an accident during his school-days, which had held him back. No explanation was ever given as to why he had never repeated the classes nor made up the grades at night school.
Now it was his life’s ambition to see his only son, Alan, graduate as a qualified medical practitioner! This was drummed into Alan from an early age, and he was keen to please the dad who doted on him so much. But it all ended in tears. Despite his efforts, Alan never gained those elusive maths and science grades.
The above case studies indicate what can happen when parents do not think enough of themselves or are less than confident in their own identities. It’s so easy to transfer our ‘hang-ups’ onto our kids. We can try to relive our lives through them - or we can hold them back because they threaten our fragile self-image.
Kids tend to pick up on parental attitudes and actions that are not right. They react to this by either blaming themselves for not living up to expectations (as both Gillian and Alan tended to do), or they rebel and create havoc. Either way parents can be driven crazy, and blame it on their kids.
But we’re not looking to blame people, remember, we want to reveal the causes of dysfunctional relationships and see if we can rectify them. Make an honest appraisal of your relationship with your kids. Is it based on shortcomings within yourself? Maybe you’ll discover things you hadn’t realized and don’t like. For example,
Do you react defensively when a child challenges you, contradicts you or speaks disrespectfully?
Instead of dealing with this assertively, some parents over-react by lashing out verbally and sometimes even physically. It’s usually because they’re so unsure of themselves that they see any challenge as a threat and they fear losing control or losing face.
Do you tend to live your own unrealized dreams through the lives of your kids?
Maybe you want to bask in the reflected glory of their achievements to make up for the fact that you never managed your own. Forcing your kids to live life on your terms is unfair, and (as in the case of Alan, above) can lead to unhappiness all round and a breakdown in relationships.
Do you tend to favor one child over the others?
This is often rooted in a parent’s low self-esteem. The favored child can fill a particular need, or be easier for an unsure parent to get on with or to control. This, of course, leads to resentment among the others, and often the parent is even unaware that any favoritism is going on.
Can you see, then, why parental self-esteem generally comes before that of the kids’?
If you’re serious about raising your self-esteem and want to know how to go about it, the good news is you won’t have to look far. Your local bookshop and library will give you access to hundreds of books and CDs on self-esteem. An online search on Google using the keywords ‘building self-esteem’ has just given 33,600,000 results in 0.32 seconds. There are e-books, chat rooms, e-zines and courses. Take your pick! If you’re the more ‘hands-on’ type you can sign up with your local authority or education department for evening classes, weekend classes, or residential courses.
Another important consideration in building and maintaining self-esteem is to make sure you have your own interests outside the home. For many parents, particularly mothers with young children, this can be a severe challenge. Traditionally, dads have had it easier and it’s always been more ‘acceptable’ for them to get out and about. More on this later, as it’s time for change!
Anyone who doesn’t have an out-of-home interest - anything at all that gives them alternative stimulation - tends to feel stodgy, their confidence with others slumps and their self-esteem plummets. This is not good for the positive leadership that’s needed to keep kids in line and out of trouble.
To sum up, there are many reasons why your kids can be rebellious, disrespectful or aggressive to you, but it could be there’s something in your relationship that’s threatening them or making them unhappy. Check out your own motives, your confidence and your self-esteem. If these areas need to be adjusted or revised, then get cracking. If necessary take one of the specialist courses we referred to, but you’ll need to sort this side of things before going any further. If you’re hoping to turn your kids around, you’ll need to be sure of your own ground first of all.
In the next chapter we’ll look at a number of day-to-day practical matters in dealing with kids, the success of which will depend on parents being comfortable with themselves.
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Chapter 6
As you know, writers work to deadlines and in general don’t like to be disturbed when they set themselves a target in a writing session. (Nor is it considered good practice to bring themselves into their writing too much, so please bear with me!) From that point of view, today was not a good one - on the surface! In reality, it turned out to be a great day.
Let me explain. Since I'd felt rather tired yesterday and was behind my schedule, I’d set myself a writing target and was determined to keep to it. This morning I walked the dog, enjoyed the fresh air, went through my mental routine and psyched myself up for a good morning’s writing.
Just as I had my computer and program set up and was about to start typing, my eldest son arrived unexpectedly. He has a new apartment and is busy renovating it. He wanted to store some stuff in my attic and garage. No problem! I gave him a hand to shift the stuff, although I have to admit that inwardly I was slightly annoyed and was concerned about losing my precious train of thought. I knew I wanted to write a chapter about forging and maintaining bonds with kids.
The chores didn’t take too long, and as my son had some time on his hands he decided to stay and relax a while.
Again, no problem! He knew where the tea and coffee were and he could watch TV. I was itching to get back up to my study.
Then it hit me! Here was I, writing a book about relationships with kids, and I wasn’t prepared to spend more than ten minutes with one of mine when he paid an unexpected visit. Phrases like Practice what you preach sprung to mind! I felt guilty. I realized I was in the situation I’ve already described, in which we do lots of things to advance our careers, our homes, our provision for our families - and we neglect the ordinary human contact with them in the process.
I decided to abandon the writing for a while. I made some coffee and we got chatting. And do you know what? It turned out his visit was not just to drop off some stuff. There was something bugging him and he was hoping we could talk, but starting these things isn’t always easy.
Nonetheless, we got under way with our chat and it turned out to be just what he needed. All I had to do was listen, while he, just by offloading his anxieties, came up with next-steps and solutions himself. As he went away, he told me he was feeling a whole lot better.
Yet I could so easily have sabotaged the opportunity in my anxiety to write about raising kids!
I could think of countless occasions in the past when I’ve missed golden opportunities like this one. You can rest assured, then, when my younger son arrived home later, tired and cold after his morning at college, I made a point of fixing some lunch to warm him up!
As you can imagine, my writing schedule was now completely off course; but when I eventually did get back to it in the afternoon, I found I was writing with a new vigor and energy. Yes, I’d put myself out for my kids, but instead of holding me back I’d gained four benefits: I had the chance to help one of my kids through a challenge; I got the ‘feel good factor’, which kick-started my energy for writing; I was therefore able to write more than I’d planned for the day; and I had another example to illustrate the point I’m making, namely, that as parents we need to constantly take the extra step with our kids if we want to keep them on our side and on a straight path through life.
Let’s look at some other ways we can do this.
But first a word of reassurance: if you feel you’ve missed all the opportunities below and feel it’s too late for you and your kids, stay calm! It’s never too late, and the next chapter looks at ways to repair any damage in relationships.
Just Like the Geese!
Do you remember a film called Fly Away Home?
When land developers are churning up the fields, a young girl rescues some geese eggs and successfully hatches them. The newly hatched goslings imprint themselves on her and follow her everywhere as if she were their mother. Not willing to abandon them, the young girl teaches them to fly, getting them to follow her in a micro-light ’plane. With her dad’s help she even teaches them how to migrate to sunnier climes in the winter!
To a certain extent our children are like that. They don’t imprint themselves on the first person they see, but they do form what’s known as significant relationships (usually with parents) and they tend to follow the agenda and behavior set by these significant people. It’s worth mentioning that we don’t influence our kids mainly by what we say. It’s what we do that counts.
Take smoking, for example. The children who are most likely to smoke are those who witness it in their homes - even when their parents warn them of the dangers!
Early childhood, then - when you have them to shape, mould and influence - is far and away the best time to sow the seeds of confidence in the teenage years. ‘Give me a boy until he is seven years old, and I will give you the man,’ said the mystical thinker and educator, Ignatius of Loyola. And the same applies to girls! Early influences tend to be lasting ones. (But remember, they won't necessarily be lasting. Damage can be repaired and good work can be undone.)
Affection and courtesy are keywords in early upbringing.
We all need to receive affection; it’s one of the basic human needs, after all, just like food and drink. When our kids niggle at us, criticize us, attempt to put us down - could it be they haven’t been shown enough affection over the years and are now both crying out for it and hitting back at the same time?
Parents who have high self-esteem usually find it easy to give affection. They’re relaxed and comfortable with it - and are just as much at ease when it’s returned. Other parents find it difficult to give and receive affection, but putting in some work in this area will pay off. Embarrassment and awkwardness are usually signs that people are unsure of themselves. The classes, books and CDs referred to earlier can help here, as can one other thing: Just go for it! Gather up your courage, smile, and give your daughter that birthday kiss. Get into the habit of hugging and backslapping your sons. Tell them how much you appreciate them.
You don’t need to go round declaring your love for your kids. They’d probably run a mile! But you can show your love by thanking them, congratulating them, sympathizing with them, and laughing with them. It won’t be so awkward after you’ve tried it a few times. It gets easier and easier and your kids will reciprocate. Yes, they’ll even start showing you affection.
An eminent psychiatrist once claimed that the majority of illnesses she encountered were caused plainly and simply by - wait for it! - a lack of love. That’s astonishing, isn’t it? From the earliest years, then, start as you mean to continue. Work seriously on giving and receiving love and affection!
Courtesy is related to respect and we should always respect the ones we love. Yet this is an area we always hear people complain about, particularly the older generation. It may be unpalatable, but it’s safe to say that if young people are habitually ill-mannered, they’re simply modeling the behavior they’ve been allowed to get away with at home.
Why not set some golden rules for your family? One could be to always acknowledge the presence of others when they appear. It’s so easy to slump in the armchair, glued to the TV after a hard day’s work. When the kids appear we’re so used to seeing them around that we don’t even look up, let alone say hello. Many parents will testify that this is a slippery slope.
Kids whose presence is acknowledged by the important people in their lives (and as parents we are the most important!) feel wanted and respected. They are reassured that they have a value. Over the years I’ve heard the same complaint from countless kids, usually accompanied by a deep resentment:
‘Most of the time at home I don’t exist. You’d think I was invisible!’
Underlying this is a strong suspicion, if not a conviction, that they’re not loved - or are not worth loving.
I’m equally convinced that a lack of love is not the case. It’s just that parents get tired and take their kids for granted, especially when they feel that their interests are diverging as the years pass. They do love their kids - but they don’t realize the effect that not recognizing their kids’ presence can have.
Okay, so what happens after you and your kids have a fight? Again, it’s so easy to give each other the cold shoulder. As the injured party, we’d prefer to stand on our dignity and wait for an apology before talking to the kids, right? We’re the parents after all; we deserve respect - especially from our kids since we do so much for them!
The problem is, ignoring each other can go on and on, sometimes for weeks and months. You may even know of families in which a parent and kids haven’t spoken for years. What a tragedy!
What can be done to avoid the recurrence of these ‘We’re not speaking’ situations, which can eventually lead to a total breakdown in relationships?
The answer is obvious: Someone has to make the first move. And since parents are the ones who should set the example and the agenda in their households, who should it be? Even if it hurts! Yes, there are times when we simply have to swallow our pride. Batten down that ego! We may have right on our side, and it may even be vital that we don’t concede whatever the argument was about - but that doesn’t mean we have to maintain a wall of silence!
If we want to influence our kids and bring them round to our point of view, we’ll never do it by ignoring them. So next time they appear after a fight, could there be a nod, a smile, perhaps even a ‘How are you?’ Or how about, ‘Well, that was some blow-up, wasn’t it? Let’s just relax, we can talk about it later…’
But what if harsh words have been spoken, insults have been exchanged and our kids have hurled the most cruel and disrespectful things imaginable at us?
This is probably the hardest scenario to cope with, because it’s up to us to call on our maturity, to stay calm, and to realize that our hurt is ego-based and that we must try to over-ride it. That’s what being a thick-skinned parent means. We must realize that when tempers are raging people want to hurt others. When they say offensive things it’s not necessarily because they mean them, it’s just because they want to hit out.
When kids have exploded in these offensive ways and their parents still greet them with a smile and a ‘Hi!’ the next time they see them, it tends to make a big impression. Believe it or not, it puts the parent back in the driving seat. Kids know that although they may have complete imbeciles for parents, they are still loved, and it’s not long before they realize an apology to their parents is in order.
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