LAURA’S WEDDING BUNDLE
THREE FILTHY QUICKIES
by Neneh Gordon
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Neneh Gordon
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This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.
Adult Reading Material – not intended for those under the age of 18.
Contents
Spanking My Mother-In-Law
I thought that by the day of the wedding, Laura’s mother would have stopped giving me a hard time. No such luck.
We’d decided to get married in Tenerife so everyone was flying over on the day itself or some time before that. Laura and I went three days early to settle in and get the last-minute details ready. Unfortunately, her mum and stepdad came too.
She’d never liked me. I wasn’t good enough for her little girl. She neglected to accept the fact that Laura was nearly thirty and actually a year and a half older than me. No, I’d led her astray and brainwashed her into getting married.
I couldn’t quite understand how two women who looked so alike could be so different. They both shared the same, poker-straight black hair and blue-grey eyes. The same full figures. They even had the same mouth. Although Laura did a lot more smiling with hers.
The first couple of days hadn’t been too bad. I think Pete – Laura’s stepdad – was trying to make the whole thing into a second honeymoon, so he whisked Mary away on a series of daytrips and evenings out. And thank god for that.
Laura was freaking out over the wedding preparations and I was glad that I had the time alone with her to get her to calm down. I’d told myself that I could cope with Mary as long as she was at arm’s length. As long as we didn’t get in each other’s faces, we’d be fine.
But last night, Laura decided we should all have dinner together. I tried to talk her out of it, pointing out the long history of arguments between me and her mother.
“You don’t want to push things, Laura. You know she doesn’t like me.”
But Laura wasn’t having any of it. She said her mother had sworn to be on her best behaviour and that we had to learn to get along because after the wedding, we’d be related. I didn’t want to seem like the unreasonable one, so I’d kissed her on the forehead and agreed to dinner with Satan’s daughter and her husband.
I knew how important the meal was, so I made an effort and wore a pair of trousers instead of my usual jeans. I even thought about wearing a tie, but decided that I’d hardly look smart sweltering under a shirt buttoned up to the neck. Even so, I think I looked at least respectable. Maybe even dashing. Laura seemed to think so. When we were ready to leave, she came and wrapped her arms around me, giving me a probing kiss that meant we had to wait around for the lump in my trousers to go away.
Which of course meant we were late for dinner. We hurried down to the hotel restaurant to find Pete and Mary already sitting at the table. I caught the glare Mary threw my way before turning on the smiles for Laura. She rose to kiss her daughter and Pete gave me a weary look.
Surprisingly, we got through the starter and the main course without incident. It was frosty, but I managed to make small talk and Mary managed to be civil. Fool that I am, I thought that we were going to get away unscathed.
Then I ordered a second bottle of wine and all hell broke loose.
“I don’t think that’s a very good idea,” Mary said, without even looking at me.
“Sorry?”
She looked up. “I said, I don’t think it’s a good idea to be drinking like that on the night before your wedding.”
“It’s only our second bottle, Mum.”
“Yes, but it won’t stop there, will it?” Her face was stony. I had no idea how to react, so I bit my tongue and said nothing.
“I should have known tonight would be a mistake,” she carried on.
Pete put a hand on her arm. “That’s enough, love.”
“No.” She shrugged him off. “It’s time I got this off my chest.”
Even as I sank in my chair and warned myself not to rise to the bait, another part of my brain was making jokes about getting the bra off her chest. I tried not to laugh. That would definitely be the wrong thing to do.
“You’ve never shown Laura the respect she deserves.”
“Mum!”
“It’s true. He’s always off with his mates, drinking and doing god knows what.”
And so it went on. Mary listed my many and varied faults, while Laura defended me and I tried not to lose my temper. It finally came to a head when Laura burst into tears, shouted “Mike was right about you, you’re a twisted old witch,” and ran out of the room.
I went after her, but not before I saw Mary look at me like she wanted to send bolts of lightning out through her eyes and roast me on the spot. She got to her feet, but Pete grabbed hold of her wrist and stopped her leaving the table.
The worst part of the whole thing was leaving Laura when she was so upset. She let me sit with her for a while, but when she’d got the worst of the crying out of her system, she sent me off to my own room next door. She was very firm about the tradition of the bride not seeing the groom before the wedding, so that was that. I didn’t even get the pre-wedding nookie I’d been fantasising about. The next time I got to make love to her, we’d be man and wife.
I woke up this morning to a knock on the door and leapt out of bed, sure that Laura had changed her mind. When I opened the door, it was Mary. She looked me up and down and blushed bright red. Did I forget to mention I sleep in the nude? I jumped behind the door as she put a hand up to cover her eyes.
“For god’s sake. Go and put some clothes on.” She came inside, closed the door and stood there on the threshold, looking at the floor while I pulled on a robe.
I took my time. To be honest, I enjoyed watching her squirm. “Mary,” I said when I’d covered myself.
She gave me a sideways glance and took a couple of steps further into the room. “Look, I just wanted to apologise about last night.”
“Go on then.” I wasn’t about to make it easy for the bitch.
“I’m sorry, Mike.” She shuffled from foot to foot for a moment, then turned to go.
“What exactly are you sorry for?” I knew it was petty, but I wasn’t likely to get a chance like this again.
“I’m sorry for saying those nasty things about you.” Her expression softened and I marvelled at just how like Laura she was.
“What’s your problem with me anyway?” I didn’t really expect an answer, but what she did next surprised me more than anything she could have said.