KAREN WOODS
EMPIRE PUBLICATIONS
WWW.EMPIRE-UK.COM
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First published in 2012 by Empire Publications
Smashwords Edition
© Karen Woods 2012
ISBN: 1901746 879
The author asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
Published by Empire Publications at Smashwords
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This book is available in print at:
http://www.empire-uk.com
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TRY BEFORE YOU BUY
I destroy homes, tear families apart,
Take your children, and that’s just the start.
I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold,
And if you need me, remember I’m easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome; try me you’ll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and ill own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie.
You do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit, for the narcotic charms,
Will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms.
You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from god, and separate friends.
I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride;
I’ll be with you always, right by your side.
You’ll give up everything your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone.
I’ll take and take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravish your body; I’ll control your mind.
I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you’ll hear from inside your head,
The sweat, the shakes, the visions you’ll see;
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me,
But then its too late, and you’ll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen. Many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and you chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I’ll be your master; you will be my slave,
I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
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Foreword
Karen Woods is an author that Manchester should be proud of. Her books play with your emotions and make you feel you are living the life of the characters.
‘Bagheads’ take you on a journey into the underworld of drugs and crime and depicts the harsh reality of life some people live in our inner-cities. The storyline shows that no matter what happens, no matter what life throws at a mother, her love for her off-spring never dies.
Shaun Cook is the main character. He is mixed-up in the dark world of drugs and crime. I feel he is someone who we can all relate to even though we may not like admitting it! His life shows the misery and desperation that one human being endures and suffers through living such a life.
‘Bagheads’ also relates to Shaun’s family and how living with a drug addict can affect their lives too. It is a story we very rarely get to hear. With every page you turn you learn something new about a world that is a million miles away from many people’s lives.
This is a book that stays with you long after you have put it down. The heart-felt emotion pulls on your heart strings.
Karen is truly a talented author who tells it just as it is. She holds nothing back and weaves northern humour through her words in her own inimitable writing style. She is without doubt the best social realist author I have had the pleasure to read in a long, long time.
‘Bagheads’ is a world that many don’t see and hopefully never will and her story teaches you not to judge people without knowing the full facts about the life they have led.
It is truly an eye-opener and Karen is an inspiration to many. Laugh, cry and be disturbed. Most of all feel the emotion of every single word.
I know I did.
Crissy Rock
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Acknowledgements
Thanks to my four children - Ashley Blake Declan and Darcy. I love you all with all my heart and thanks for all your support. Thanks also to my grandchildren - Dolton, Marci and Cruz. A big thanks to James who is always by my side supporting me and my mother Margaret who has spent ages with me going through my books and helping me to become a better writer. Thanks to my dad Alan who is always there behind me supporting me.
I’ve met some amazing people since I’ve been writing and my PR Judith Broadbent is one amazing lady, she’s always by my side and is always willing to go that extra mile for me. Richard Brecker at Celebrities Worldwide deserves a mention too for all his help and support.
Bagheads has taken me back to my youth living in Harpurhey in Manchester. My brother Darren has always been close to my thoughts whilst I have been writing this book and I know once he reads it, it will bring a smile to his face and pull at his heart strings. “This one’s for you Our Kid”. You’re my brother, my friend and I’ll always be your big sis.
Thanks to all my readers because without you all I would have probably given up writing a long time ago. To all my Facebook friends thank you for your support, you have been amazing.
Also to John Ireland and Ashley Shaw at Empire, thanks for your support and believing in me.
Bagheads is dedicated to all those people from Harpurhey, Monsall, Moston, Collyhurst, Miles Platting and Ancoats, who lost their lives to drugs. You will stay in our memories forever and never be forgotten.
Also, a big massive thanks to Crissy Rock for her support and believing in my work she’s an inspiration to women worldwide.
“Always chase your dreams and never give up believing in yourself. Anything is possible with self-belief”.
My last thanks as always is to my son in heaven Dale. Goodnight God bless son. Love you always.
Karen x
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Chapter One
Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Shaun Cook pulled at the baggy skin around his cheekbones. His life had taken him to places you could have only ever seen in your nightmares but even for him this seemed an all-time low. The bathroom mirror was covered in mist as he struggled to see his reflection. Shaun’s trembling hand slowly wiped the glass as he stared at a face that he struggled to recognise. As he shook his head, tears started to form in the corner of his eyes.
Shaun’s eyes looked like dark grey circles had been drawn around them. They looked bruised and sore. Gritting his teeth together his head drew nearer to the mirror to focus. His hand struggled to find his mouth as he slowly tried to scrape away the brown stains that had formed on his teeth. Shaun placed one hand on the wall trying to steady himself. He struggled to maintain his balance. His gammy finger nails now scratched at his teeth hoping he could hide the fact that he was beyond help. Shaun used to have such a lovely smile and people had always commented on how nice it was. Those days were long gone now. The pearly white teeth he’d once had were now stumps rotted away by the heroin he’d tooted over the years. Struggling to hold himself up from the sink, he swayed. Shaun’s frame was like that of an old man’s; it hunched over with the years of shame he carried.
Life in Manchester had been hard but then it was like that for lots of other people who lived on council estates. They all lived on the breadline. Shaun was one of three children and he’d always demanded much more love and attention than anyone seemed prepared to give him. Many a night he lay in his bed and wanted to end his life but the call for smack had always deterred him.
Heroin had been the new drug on the streets when Shaun was only thirteen. He lived on a notorious council estate in Harpurhey. Everyone welcomed the new drug with open veins not realising what they were letting themselves in for. They were just kids chasing a buzz but they were soon to find out the consequences of their actions.
Shaun was now thirty-nine and looked haggard. He’d been considered a bit of heartthrob in his youth but those days ended when he’d sold his life to drugs so many years ago. Everyone who’d ever loved him had now deserted him. He was alone. All that was left was the shell of a man addicted to smack.
Shaun left the bathroom and rejoined his mates in the front room. They weren’t his mates really, except Ged who he’d known for years. They were just people who also had nothing in life except a demanding drug habit. They clung to each other to feel part of something.
Shaun looked round the room. His eyes were dancing with the drugs he’d just injected into his veins. The place was a total shit tip. Newspapers were scattered all over the floor and empty beer cans filled the small mahogany table on one side. The place smelt damp and the black fungus growing up the walls told you how unhealthy the flat really was. Shaun’s pupils looked like pinholes. He looked off his head as he struggled to walk. None of the addicts had a pot to piss in and desperation was written all across their vacant faces.
One junkie marched up and down in the front room. He could be seen wrapping his arms round his shaking body as the call for a fix blasted his brain. They all knew that feeling and sank their heads to their chins knowing there was nothing they could do to help him.
The flat was more like a squat. An old black settee was pushed across the back wall and a bit of an off-cut of carpet sat in the middle of the floor with someone lying across it staring into space. The old battered stereo in the corner played the only CD they owned and “Every Day Is Like Sunday” by Morrissey played at full blast.
Shaun opened the door to the veranda and looked out at the world. You could see children playing in the distance and there was the sound of passing traffic. As he stretched his head over the balcony he could see the estate where he grew up. He smiled as he remembered the days gone by.
The flat was on the fourth floor. They all liked it that way as they knew people couldn’t get to them without them knowing. The flat had a security door and no one was allowed in without their say so. As he stretched his head out over the rail on the balcony he wondered if the drop would be enough to kill him. His face looked troubled. The wind howled past him as if it was teasing him to jump. Shaun’s body was shaking as the thought of dying filtered through him. His mind was racing and he looked white in the face. The gusts of wind picked up and grabbed at his bones as he stood like a statue waiting to die. His hands trembled as he zipped up his grey parka.
Shaun’s head swivelled back as he looked through the rain splattered windows at his baghead friends sat inside. They couldn’t care less where he was or what he was doing. His hands shook rapidly as he held the wall to climb onto the balcony. Pulling his hood up, he hid the years of regret that covered his face. With one hand still holding onto the wall he gasped for breath as tears streamed down his face.
Shaun mumbled the words of the song he could hear in the background and nodded his head slowly to the beat as his purple lips trembled. For the last time he turned his head back, looking inside the window for a sign that somebody cared about him. The wind circled his feet as if it was helping him leave the balcony.
Shaun’s body lay lifeless after it hit the floor. Nobody in the flat noticed he was missing until they heard people shouting outside. As his friends peered over the balcony they could see people gathering around a body on the floor. “What the fuck’s going on?” Ged gasped as he stared down. It wasn’t until he saw his friend’s familiar grey coat that he realised. Ged began shouting out as his hands dragged at his hair. “It’s Shaun. For fuck’s sake it’s Shaun.”
The addicts ran down the staircase as quickly as they could - the lift being out of order as usual. When they reached the frail, motionless body they could see the onlookers scowling at them as if they were lepers. It was obvious the crowd knew who they were.
“That’s what taking drugs does to you!” one woman shouted to her teenage son as she held him by the arm. They boy shrugged removing her grip.
“Yeah mam I know. Will you shut the fuck up?” The youth dipped his head and looked embarrassed at his mother’s words.
The ambulance had been phoned and the person who’d reported it was sat in shock on a nearby wall. The woman looked about fifty and all you could see was her shaking her head as she gripped the mobile phone in her hands. Someone had placed a blanket around her but she was still shaking like a leaf.
Shaun lay with his hood still pulled over his face. His leg looked deformed and people screamed when they saw it for the first time. Ged quickly knelt by his side and tried to see if he was still alive. Wiping the trickle of blood from Shaun’s mouth he spoke in a low voice.
“It’s me, Ged. Can you hear me mate? For fuck’s sake what have you done this for?” His skinny arms removed Shaun’s hood from his face as he tried to find some life in the gaunt face that stared blankly at him. People around him whispered between themselves. You could hear every word they were saying. “Look at his arms the dirty bastard,” one man moaned. Ged quickly pulled his sleeves down covering the track marks. His face looked white with shock. The sound of sirens could be heard in the distance and everyone turned their heads to watch it draw nearer.
“Come on mate, hang on in there. The ambulance is here now. Don’t fucking give up ya muppet.” Ged stayed at Shaun’s side until the medics were with him. He managed to stand up and he hung his head in shame as he spoke to the medical team.
“Please help him mate. He’s a good lad. He’s just been a bit down lately.” The man looked at him and quickly assessed the body that lay in front of him. He moved Ged out of the way and told everyone to step back so he could do his job. He now shouted to his colleague to bring him some different equipment from the vehicle. Ged was stood at a grass verge vomiting. The sound of retching could be heard. The spectators watched him spewing his ring up and shook their heads in disgust.
The paramedic took hold of Shaun’s cold hand. It looked blue. He felt his pulse while anxiously looking at his watch. He could see something being held in Shaun’s grip and slowly unfolded his fingers to reveal a small pebble. He quickly slid it into Shaun’s pocket. The other medic joined him now and they made a decision to move his body onto a stretcher. “I don’t think he’s going to make it,” the ambulance man whispered to a colleague. They both sighed as they transferred Shaun onto an orange stretcher. The man was a human being and they didn’t want to lose him, no matter who he was. Their faces looked strained as they carried him to the ambulance.
Shaun’s friends huddled together as they could hear the comments from the local people in the crowd. A middle aged man spoke in a loud voice and looked directly at the junkies. He wasn’t bothered who heard him.
“Well, that’s one less smackhead on the streets. They should all fucking jump from there if you ask me. They’re nothing but a load of dirty scumbags. Thieving bastards, the lot of ‘em.” His voice was sarcastic as he focused on Ged and his friends. The comments were getting louder and the residents were making it clear that they didn’t care if they heard them or not. As Shaun’s lifeless body was put inside the ambulance his friends headed back to the flat like rats returning to a sinking ship.
Ged was asked if he wanted to go with his friend to the hospital but he quickly declined. He told them he would go and tell Shaun’s mother what had happened and made excuses why he couldn’t go. Some friend he was!
The sirens were turned on and Shaun was taken to North Manchester Hospital. Ged returned to the flat and sat with his head in his hands. As if his tears were locked away he screwed his face up and shook his head. His lips trembled as one of the girls tried to comfort him.
“Why the fuck did he jump? He could have spoken to us about how he was feeling.” He held his hands up in the air with a distressed face. “I mean we’ve all been depressed at one time or another haven’t we?” The others agreed, but if they were true to themselves, they knew they didn’t care about anything or anyone as long as they had drugs. Ged sighed and walked to the balcony. He stood back from the rail as he peered over it. A few of the others came outside with him. Ged gripped the wall as if he was going to faint. It all seemed too much for him.
“I’m gutted. Why the fuck did he jump?” Nobody could answer his question and one by one they went back inside to the flat.
Ged was the main man in his circle of friends and he ran a tight ship. He organised the grafts every day and drove the girls to Cheetham Hill to sell themselves. Trudging back inside the flat he knew life needed to go on. Clearing his throat he struggled to speak. He was one man down now and had to reorganise his troops. They all needed money fast if they had any chance of surviving another day.
“Right! Let’s move our arses. Shaun will be alright, we’ll phone the hospital later to make sure.” The rest of the addicts nodded. It was obvious they only had one thing on their minds at the moment and Shaun’s well-being wasn’t it.
Ged carried on as if nothing had happened. Every now and then he would sigh and say what a fucking nobhead Shaun was, but apart from that his emotions seemed numb. Remembering his promise to the medics he told the others to meet him on the market. Watching them leave he headed to Shaun’s mother’s house with a sprint in his step to break the bad news.
Shaun’s mum lived on the Shiredale estate in Harpurhey. The pub it was named after was just a stone’s throw away from her house. Lots of wheeling and dealing went on inside the pub and if you ever wanted some cheap knock-off stuff, that was the place to get it. Feeling the cold winds around his neck, Ged zipped up his coat and prepared himself.
Knocking on the door he bounced about on the spot blowing warm breath into his cupped hands. His words were stuck in his throat when she answered the door. Ged coughed to clear his throat before he began. He was fidgeting about and couldn’t keep still. Gladys saw his face and eagerly pulled her cardigan tighter round her body. She was a nervous wreck and the trauma of bringing three kids up on her own had taken its toll on her over the years. Her face looked like the colour was slowly draining from it. She looked white.
Shaun had never been far from his mother’s thoughts. Every day she worried about him. She would have had him home no problem but it was her eldest son that had banished him from there months before. Shaun’s elder brother Paul had promised him the last time he’d seen him that if he ever saw him near the house again he would do him in big time. Rubbing his hands together Ged moved closer the front door. He looked nervous and his mouth looked dry.
“It’s your Shaun, Gladys. He’s in hospital.” Gladys gripped the door frame and her knuckles turned white. Her head sank back as she started to breathe rapidly. “Fucking hell! No!” she mumbled. Gladys shook her head and looked like she was going to have a heart attack.
“He’s jumped off the flats.” Ged paused and didn’t know if she could take anymore. Placing his hand on her shoulder he tried to hold her up. The words were like knives being stabbed into her heart. Paul must have heard the commotion and came to join them. His face was angry.
“What the fuck’s going on?” He snarled as he shot a look at Ged. Gladys fell to the floor as if her legs couldn’t hold the pain anymore. Ged panicked. He knew Paul of old and stood back from the doorway knowing he could be wasted at any time. His words were shaky.
“It’s your Shaun. He’s jumped off the flats mate.” Ged’s voice was low and he was at breaking point. Paul tried to help his mother up from the floor. He shot a look at Ged and gritted his teeth as he spoke to him.
“What the fuck are you telling us about that prick for? Don’t you think he’s done enough to this family without adding to it. Look at the fucking state of my mam now!”
Paul held Gladys up by the waist. Placing his mother up against the wall he turned to Ged. “Fuck off from the door before I tune you in. Do you hear me? Fuck off!” Ged backed away slowly. He could tell he was treading on eggshells and wanted away as soon as possible. Gladys was screaming as she tried to find out more about her son before Ged left. Paul dragged her back inside by her arms as she yelled through the small gap in the door.
“Is he alive? Where have they taken him?” Her body was yanked from the door as Ged shouted to her what she needed to know. Ged started to walk off with speed, he didn’t feel safe. He was watching his back all the time. Paul growled at him one last time as he fled from the doorway.
“Fucking prick” Ged huffed as he watched the front door close from a distance.
Gladys reached for her cigs and lit one with a shaking hand. Her lungs inflated as she inhaled the smoke deeply. She sat at the dining table with her legs crossed and her head dangling onto her knees. Shaun’s dad had been off the scene for years now and nobody in the household gave a shit about her son any more.
Shaun’s family had their own problems to deal with. His sister Katie had helped Shaun out in the past but she’d given up on him when he nicked her gold cross and chain from her years before. He’d nicked lots of other things but she’d always forgiven him.
Gladys looked at Paul. She held a desperate look on her face. Twisting her fingers she pleaded with him. “Please son, he needs us. We can’t just leave him there on his own.” Paul bolted from his chair as he paced the living room floor.
“It’s always the fucking same mam. All our lives have revolved round that fucking smackhead. He’s probably after some attention again.” His foot kicked at the bottom of the chair. He was livid. Paul’s eyes now turned to Gladys as he shouted into her face. “Well he can fuck right off. He’s been dead for years as far as I’m concerned. So don’t ask me to be involved in anything to do with that nobhead.”
“He’s still your fucking brother! No matter what he is!” Gladys screamed back at him. She stood in front of him waving her hands about trying to make him see sense. “How can I just turn my back on him and leave him lying in hospital on his own? Have a fucking heart will you?” Paul made to leave the room. This was his usual way of dealing with situations when he couldn’t get through to her.
“Mam, when are you going to accept what he is? He’s robbed you blind over the years, and every other fucker that has ever cared for him. Why do you think nobody wants nowt to do with him anymore? He’s a fucking drug addict.” Paul’s hands were held in front of him as he pointed at her. Gladys was shaking from head to toe as he punished her with every word he spoke. “Watch the fucking programmes on the telly. He’ll never change. Once a smackhead, always a smackhead. You know that deep down inside. Just get it into your thick head. He’s a junkie, a fucking heroin addict.” His finger rammed at the side of her head pressing deep into her skull. The emotion in his voice told you how upset he was inside. He left the room cursing under his breath. ”You’ll never fucking learn will you?” The door slammed and it shook the room.
Gladys lit another cig and paced up and down the front room. Paul was right, Shaun had robbed from her in the past. She didn’t have to be told. He’d even hit her on more than one occasion but she’d hid it well and nobody ever knew. He was her flesh and blood and a mother’s love for her son would never go away no matter what he’d done. Looking round the room the silence haunted her. She sat back and remembered times when the house had been full of laughter and everything seemed easy. A picture of her children sat on the small cabinet at the side of her. Gripping it tightly she fell to the floor holding the picture frame to her heart. As she sobbed she looked at the photograph and couldn’t believe that the boy in front of her was now lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life.
“Where did I go wrong?” she whispered to the picture frame. “I did my best for all of you and look what’s happened.” She cradled the photograph close to her chest as she rocked. The pain she felt in her heart was like nothing she’d ever felt before. Gladys knew she needed to get to her son and quickly picked up the phone to call her sister for support. Once she’d told her the news Gladys headed for the hospital and prepared herself for the worst.
*
Gladys and her sister sat waiting for the doctor to come. It seemed ages since she’d spoken to the receptionist telling her that she needed to see her son urgently. Looking down the corridor Marie could see a doctor walking towards her with a concerned face. “I think he’s coming to see us,” she whispered. Gladys raised her head as she heard the footsteps coming nearer.
“Are you Shaun Cook’s mother?” the doctor asked. Gladys nodded slowly and hung her head low. She felt like a failure as a parent and quickly tried to make him aware of her son’s circumstances.
“He’s a drug addict, doctor. We’ve tried everything to help him, but it’s hopeless.” The doctor sighed and led them to a side room and asked them if they needed a drink before he began. The male doctor now stared at his notes. Taking a deep breath he looked up and spoke to Gladys.
“It’s not good news.” Gladys held her breath and you could see her nostrils flaring. She was on the verge of screaming out but her sister held her arm and pulled her back into the chair. He continued.
“Your son is in a coma and has some serious injuries. His right leg may have to be amputated” Gladys stood up clenching her fists. The doctor carried on speaking in a sympathetic tone as he watched her turn to face him. “We have done everything we can to try and save it, but he still might lose his leg.” His face now looked serious as he peered over his silver framed spectacles. Gladys sat back down and now held her knees up to her chest as she jerked hard to and fro. Her lips quivered as she struggled to speak. “Is he going to die doctor? Please don’t let him die?” she screamed. The moment was heart wrenching and he took a few minutes to reply.
“I can’t give you an answer Mrs Cook as to whether your son will ever regain consciousness, but he will be cared for the best we can whilst he’s here.”
Gladys was trying her best to keep calm as tears fell from her eyes and trickled onto her cheek. Her sister Marie held her hand and cried with her. The doctor now led them to the room where Shaun lay.
Lots of tubes were attached to Shaun’s body. All you could hear was the beeping of his heart monitor at the side of him. Gladys screamed at the sight of her son. Quickly she sat next to Shaun and held his cold hands in her grip. She rubbed at them with her two hands placed together. “He’s freezing Marie.” Her lips trembled as she spluttered her words.
“Why son? Why?” her words were hard to understand but as her head fell onto his lap, years of frustration were released. Marie sat by her side and patted her head trying to comfort her. She didn’t know what else to do. Gladys broke her heart crying as she fired her words.
“It’s my fault, I know it is son. I should have done more and helped you.” Marie couldn’t hold her tongue and hated that her sister was blaming herself for her nephew’s addiction. She bent her head down and spoke softly into her ear.
“You did all you could love. The things you have done to help him are countless.” Marie looked at Shaun’s face and shook her head. He’d always been a handful from being a child and she knew just how badly he’d treated his mother in the past. Even she had told him to never come near her house again. He’d even pinched money from her. Gladys sat up and rocked in the chair as she gazed at the bag of bones that lay on the bed. Regaining her strength she looked at her sister.
“It was me and his dad splitting up that done it you know? He was fine until then. I feel so guilty, that’s why I can’t ever give up on him.” Marie was hanging on her every word and listened as she watched her sister trying to defend her son yet again. “He’s been through so much, you don’t know the half of it.” They both looked at Shaun as Gladys stroked his forehead. She sat looking at his face taking in every line and wrinkle spread across it.
Marie hugged her sister. She knew she hadn’t had the best of lives. In fact every member of her family had hit rock bottom at one time or another. Gladys was a tablet away from a breakdown and her own tormented life had been something she found it hard to come to terms with. Gladys’s life had left her weak and without any self confidence. She’d stopped caring about herself many years before. All she cared about was her youngest son.
As they watched Shaun sleeping Gladys could see his eyes flickering rapidly. “He looks like he’s having a bad dream or something doesn’t he?” Gladys whispered as her hand slowly stroked across her son’s face trying to calm him down.
“Ssshhh.”
Chapter Two
Lying in a coma Shaun went over his life. He was unaware of where he was. He’d drifted off to a place where his life had started to go wrong. Everything seemed real and it was as if he was watching his life over again.
Shaun’s thoughts took him back to when he was thirteen years of age. He broke into a smile as he lay in the hospital bed. Shaun was watching himself in his youth. He was a rum fucker and a loveable rogue and everyone loved him. He had dirty blonde hair that felt like a Brillo pad to touch. All his mates had joked about it in the past and it was a long standing joke amongst them. His nickname was “Fanny head” and he’d had many a fight about that down the years. Shaun’s mother had bought him every type of hair gel on the market but nothing seemed to control his dry frizzy mop. Shaun was a handy lad amongst his friends. He was known as “The Cock” and nobody ever messed about with him unless they wanted their arses kicking. What he said was gospel and no one ever threatened him. Shaun’s skin always had a tanned look about it. His mother had told him that his ancestors were Red Indians and that’s where his colouring had come from. What a load of bullshit. His tan was nothing but ground in dirt. Nothing that a bar of soap wouldn’t have removed.
Shaun was all skin and bones. A “lean mean fighting machine” he called himself. His mother constantly fed him food supplements in the hope that he would fill out but he never did and he still looked like a bean sprout. Shaun always struggled to finish any meal that was put in front of him. He was always too busy to eat and he couldn’t wait to get back outside playing with his friends. He was the champion at the game of British Bulldog and he was as fast as a whippet. Shaun lived on chocolate and crisps that he’d stolen from the local shops in Tavistock Square. All the local kids shoplifted from there and for most of them it was the only way they stopped the hunger pangs. His mother didn’t know he was eating heaps of the stuff and always said she couldn’t understand why he had so much energy for someone who didn’t eat. Shaun’s brother and sister hated the attention he got and knew the little fucker was having their mam over.
The family home had been happy back then. Shaun was living life like most other families living on the breadline. The kids on the estate all got by any way they could. The local ice-cream man Marco Rea knew that more than anyone. He was the victim of theft nearly every day and hated his ice-cream round in Harpurhey. Many a time the kids would run off from his van without paying. There was nothing he could do about it and he took it on the chin most of the time. The youths would do anything to earn a few bob and they were all involved in petty crime about the area.
It all started to go wrong when Shaun was laid in his bed one night and he heard the screams from downstairs. He recognised his mother’s voice and realised she was arguing with his father. Of course he’d heard them argue before but as a young child he never really took much notice of it. Tonight was different though.
Sitting up in bed he rubbed at his eyes and looked over at his brother. The moonlight shining through the window just gave off enough light to see his face. Paul held one finger firmly to his mouth and stared at Shaun with an anxious look on his face.
“What’s going on?” Shaun whispered.
“Get back to sleep ya nobhead!” Paul replied angrily. Shaun sat listening and could see his elder brother now chewing the edge of his pillow in front of him. He could see his teeth gnawing at the cotton. Paul looked distraught and he could see his hands gripping tightly around the white pillow slip nearly ripping it.
“Why’s my mam crying?” he asked again. Shaun pulled his quilt up around his neck as Paul bolted from his bed. He was now gripping his younger brother round the neck and squeezing his throat restricting his breathing. Choking noises could be heard.
“Get to sleep and stop being a little nosey bastard.” Shaun knew he’d pushed Paul’s temper and once his hands dropped from his neck he turned over and sobbed. He would have had a go back but he knew his brother would have wasted him. He had in the past and he knew to keep his mouth closed even though he wanted to ram his fist into his face.
Suddenly, Shaun’s legs felt warm as he lay frozen in his bed. He could feel something trickling down his legs. His face looked frozen. He was pissing himself. This wasn’t the first time and it always happened when he was upset. He remained still.
Paul had witnessed the violence between his parents on many occasions and knew there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. His father’s voice shook the room and all he could do was lie there feeling a failure. Covering his ears with his hands he stared out of the window and prayed for the day to come when he was strong enough to defend his mother. Shouting from the stairs could be heard. Paul lifted his head and listened with one leg hanging from the bed.
“What have I told you about answering me back, you slut! You know how it makes me feel don’t you?” Gladys could be heard screaming and she was pleading with her husband not to beat her further. Her voice was low and you could hear in her voice that she’d had enough of his abuse.
“I’m sorry. Please stop it. The kids will hear you.”
“Do you think I give a fuck about who hears me?” he screamed. A banging noise could be heard. The sound of her body being dragged up the stairs filled the bedroom. Paul was sat on the side of his bed shaking. His knees were moving up and down towards his chest at speed. Shaun lay in his bed and closed his eyes tightly hoping it would all be over soon. After around twenty minutes the disturbance finally subsided. Silence filled the house.
Paul was now asleep and it was time for Shaun to try and get rid of the evidence that he’d pissed the bed. Creeping out of his covers he peeled his wet pyjama bottoms from his shivering legs. They clung to his skin and he was finding it hard to shake them off. Screwing his face up, Shaun could smell the stench of his piss as he brought them up to his nose. He struggled to breathe and threw the soiled pants into the corner of the room. Looking over at his brother’s bed he sneaked over and grabbed the spare blanket from the floor. He wouldn’t miss it. Paul was snoring his head off and wasn’t likely to wake up. Shaun made his move and grabbed the clean blanket. Placing it on the wet bed he smoothed it out with his fingers. Grabbing a clean pair of shorts from his chest of drawers at the side of him he pulled them over his bony body. His heart was pumping inside his chest and he looked scared as he checked his brother was still asleep. Shaun’s eyes were wide open as he stared around the bedroom. All he wanted was some love and affection but it never came. Shaun drifted off to sleep hoping tomorrow would be a better day.
Morning light crept into the Cook household. Paul lay awake for a while as he knew what lay beyond his bedroom door. He couldn’t stand the thought of seeing his mother with more bruises on her face. Looking across to Shaun’s bed his faced screwed up as he saw the edge of his blanket sticking out underneath his brother’s bony arse. “Cheeky twat” he huffed. His body vaulted from his bed and grabbed his dazed brother by the scruff of the neck.
“You little prick. What the fuck have you done to my blanket?” Dragging his body up from the bed he yanked his cover towards him. Shaun rolled against the wall banging his head. You could hear Paul’s rapid breathing. His face now changed as he smelt the material. His nostrils were flaring as he realised his brother had pissed the bed again.
“Fucking pissed the bed again, have you?” he scowled. Shaun cowered away from him with his hands held over his face with one leg bent up towards his chest. Paul bent towards him dragging him out of the bed by his hair and threw him onto the floor. Shaun knew what was coming and curled up in a ball like an injured animal. “Pissy arse. You make me sick you little dickhead!” Paul ranted into his face. Shaun lay sobbing with both hands shaking over his head. His legs were drawn up tightly to his chest now trying to protect himself from his brother’s fury. Paul drew his leg back and swung it at his sibling with force. Screaming could be heard. “Have that you little shit!” he snarled.
“I’m gonna to tell my mam!” Shaun sobbed hoping the mention of his mother’s name might cause him to think twice. His plea fell on deaf ears as Paul dragged his face up from the floor covering his mouth so he couldn’t speak.
“Ay sonny boy. Do you think she’s gonna listen to you when she sees what you’ve done to the bed. You’re in deep shit ya wanker.” His face smiled down at him with evil eyes as he slowly dripped a mouthful of spit onto his face. Paul went out of the bedroom leaving his brother still crying on the floor.
“Fucking bastard!” Shaun whispered.
The walk down the stairs seemed like the walk of death for Shaun. Each stair seemed to creak no matter how softly he stepped onto it. Reaching the bottom stair he could smell the aroma of burnt toast. Stretching his arms he made his way to face his family. Pulling the door open slightly he could see his father stood at the stove watching the eyelevel grill. He was wearing his navy boxer shorts and a thread bare vest top. He looked fat and out of shape. Hearing his son behind him he told him to get his arse sat at the table for breakfast. Shaun trudged into the front room scratching his head.
Shaun’s eyes were still red from crying as he joined his sister and brother at the dining table. Paul smirked at him and mouthed the word “pissy arse” to his sister Kate as he pointed at Shaun. They both giggled and made fun of him without speaking. Shaun asked where his mother was. He needed her protection. Kate kicked him from underneath the table and gritting her teeth at him.
“Shut up ya geek.”
“Why what’s up?” Shaun moaned. He was now holding the centre of his arm as Paul had reached over and given him a dead arm. His face looked in pain as he tried to hide his torment.
All eyes were on his dad Mike as he brought a large pile of toast into the room. Shaun looked at his siblings across the table. He could see fear in their eyes and tried to work out what was going on. Mike sat on the sofa near them and you could see red scratches around his eyes. Shaun was always outspoken and he chatted to his dad with innocence.
“What’s happened to your eye dad?” He could feel Paul’s eyes burning into him and wished he hadn’t spoken at all now. Mike slowly ran his fingers over the raised skin on his eyes and turned to face his three children. His face snarled as his temper boiled.
“It’s your fucking nutter of a mother. I’ve had just about enough of her and her ways.” Paul knew he was lying through his teeth and held his tongue with difficulty. He wanted to plunge his fist deep into his face and you could see his clenched fist near his legs under the table. He’d felt like that for as long as he could remember.
His father was a bully and the sooner he was put in his place the better it would be for everyone. Paul wasn’t ready yet and hung his head low. Kate used the opportunity to leave the table and head upstairs to see if her mother was alright. Nobody missed her as her father was in the mirror checking out his injured eye.
Kate crept up the stairs. Facing her was her mother’s bedroom. Her hands trembled as she slowly opened the door. The room was dark and the closed curtains didn’t help her vision. Kate could just about see a body lay in the bed covered by the blankets.
She tiptoed across the floor and was aware of every creak the floorboards made. The room stunk of stale beer and old perfume. As she reached the bedside she shook her mother’s shoulder slowly.
“Mam are you alright?” At first there was no movement, but with another quick shake her mother turned to face her. Kate covered her face with her hands as she saw her for the first time. Her mother’s eyes were barely opened and the swelling stopped her from opening them fully. Gladys lifted her hands up and felt her eyes with her fingertips. Seeing Kate’s face she tried to calm her down.
“I’m fine. You know what he’s like when he’s pissed.” Her eyes rose to the ceiling as she blew a deep breath from her mouth. “We’ve just had a bit of an argument that’s all.” Kate watched the lying face in front of her and held onto her stomach. She felt sick inside and wanted to hold her mother in her arms but an invisible barrier was between them both. It’s just the way it was. The family had never showed emotion to each other and they all struggled to show any kind of feelings. The sound of her father’s voice sent fear through her body as she heard him shouting her name. “Kate. Kate. Where are you?” His voice seemed near. Kate now looked distressed as she fidgeted about at her mother’s bedside. She tiptoed quickly from the bedroom holding a finger up towards her mouth. “Ssshhh,” she said to her mother. Coming out of the room she crept into the toilet and replied to her father.
“I’m coming now dad, I’m just on the toilet.” The stairs creaking made her look and she could see her father’s face looking directly at her. His eyes shot to the open bedroom door and he knew she’d been inside. With a run in his step he raised his large hands up and whacked her round the head. “What’s that for?” she yelled.
“Get your arse down those stairs you nosey bitch. Don’t think I was born yesterday.” He pushed her body to the top of the landing and let her know he meant business. With a forceful shove she was at the top of the stairs. He was still ranting at her. “Get them pots washed. And start cleaning that shit tip downstairs. Tell them two to start helping as well.” She never replied. Slowly she headed down the stairs. Her head kept turning behind her to make sure he wasn’t following. Kate rubbed the back of her head and made her way back to her brothers.
Paul’s face was smiling at her when she entered the front room. “You got slapped. You got slapped,” he sung. He’d been stood at the bottom of the stairs and heard the slap she got from their father. He was giggling acting out the slap across the head. As she started to tell them the orders from her father, he playfully pushed her on the sofa doing some of his kung-fu moves on her. It was playtime and they all started toy fighting. They rolled about on the sofa pulling all the cushions from it and even Shaun joined in. Shaun sat on his sister’s body while Paul chopped her body with his hand. Laughter filled the room and it seemed to help cover the pain of a broken family. They were just kids having some fun.
Mike walked into the bedroom and spoke nervously to his wife. His voice let Gladys know he was ready to sort things out. This was the usual thing he’d do after a night of drunken violence. He pulled the covers back from the bed and nudged her over with his legs. She kept her back to him and cringed when she felt his hands crawling around on her skin. Mike gripped her closer and kissed the back of her neck. “Sorry love,” he whispered. She hated that she had no control of her life and there wasn’t a thing she could do to make him go away.
Gladys was in a deep hole of desperation and she couldn’t see a way out. Her face told you that she wanted to tell him to take his dirty fucking hands from her body but she knew it would only result in more violence. He rolled her over to face him. As he looked at her face he stroked the bruises with soft touches. He shook his head and realised how bad her injuries were. Mike spoke with sorrow in his voice.
“I’m sorry love. Fucking hell your face is a right mess.” Gladys never said a word and just stared at him. No emotion was visible on her face. She was cringing inside. His body now climbed onto hers. Within seconds he’d entered her. She hated every minute of it and hated the man her husband had become. Within minutes the sex was over and he carried on as if nothing had happened. Gladys wanted to die. She felt alone and depressed with the way her life was going. Mike looked proud of himself as usual and he thought everything was fine between them. They’d just had sex so surely it was? Looking at her he spoke with his usual controlling tone.
“Right don’t be going out today with that face. Stay in and do something nice for tea. You can do some baking if you want.” His face looked surprised as if he was thinking. “In fact you can make a cheese pie for tea.” Her eyes closed as she exhaled deeply. Her words were stuck in her mouth and her lips were trembling. She didn’t know if she could take this any longer and wanted to end her life there and then. “I might go for a few pints this afternoon if you don’t mind?” he chuckled.
“Yeah okay,” she mumbled. Any time in the house without him would be appreciated.
Mike jumped from the bed. “Right, bath time I think.” Scratching his bollocks he left the room.
“I hate you. I fucking hate you,” she sobbed under her breath once he left the room. Her hands gripped the quilt cover and she hid her head away under the blankets crying her heart out.
Shaun helped clean up for a change. Usually he would have just been allowed to go out playing with his mates but today was different because his mother wasn’t there to protect him. The three of them cleaned the house. Every now and then Shaun would get a cloth whacked round his face from either Katie or Paul. The three of them played about as they carried out their father’s orders. Kate was polishing now and held a cunning look in her eyes. She crept behind Paul and squirted furniture polish into his face .Shaun was laughing his head off as he watched his brother fall to the floor holding his eyes. He secretly wished he would have been blinded forever then he would have been able to pay him back for all the torment he’d given him in the past.
Paul was sixteen and Katie was fifteen. Paul always thought he was the boss of them and tried to demand respect from them all the time. Kate and Shaun had given him the nickname of Sergeant Bilko. He was a complete tosser and always thought they had to obey his every word. Kate and Paul were always fighting and she never gave up without a good fight. Shaun loved his sister and they were very close at times.
*
The months went by and Mike finally left the family home for some slapper he’d met down the pub. Gladys had taken it badly and tried taking her life a few times. It was always the same; she’d take all her nerve tablets that she’d got from the doctor and neck a bottle of Vodka. She was always saved at the last minute though. She was dependant on Diazapam tablets and her nerves shook every day without them. The small white tablets were the only thing that kept her sane. The family was a mess, there was no doubt about it. Paul and Kate seemed to cope with the break-up better than Shaun and never really missed their father. They were free now to do whatever they wanted and they had no discipline in their lives. Shaun always felt alone and craved attention from anyone who’d give it.
Shaun found a friend that would never let him down. Evo-stick was the glue everyone was sniffing and he loved the way it made him feel. He first tried it for the first time with his mates and loved the buzz it gave him. The glue took him to a place where he felt happy and loved. Nothing seemed to matter when he was sniffing it. School was a distant memory for him now and the wag officer was always knocking at the door regarding his non-attendance. Most kids on the estate were the same and society had just given up on them.
Filling the plastic bag with glue Shaun headed off to a nearby field to rid himself of his family torments. Pouring the yellow sticky looking glue into the bag he sat in some bushes at the top of the hill. Once that was completed he squeezed the air from the bag and blew into it with force His mouth was placed at the top of the bag and he inhaled deeply to get the full effects from it. Shaun looked spaced out within minutes. His eyes were rolling and his head was rocking from side to side. The plastic bag was never far from his mouth as he kept topping up on his buzz. Shaun lay on the fields for hours until his glue was finished. Nobody missed him or even cared where he was. He felt peace within his body as the glue took him to a place he felt safe and secure.
Months went by and the glue was having a serious effect on him. Spots had formed around his mouth and nostrils. Paul knew Shaun was glue sniffing because his mates had told him. He’d wasted him a few times when he’d come in stinking of glue but it didn’t deter Shaun from seeking a quick fix. Pickle juice was Shaun’s way of disguising his breath after glue sniffing. He must have thought everyone was daft because no matter what he ate the stench of glue was always there.