More Bull
Bob E Sherman
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2012 Bob E. Sherman
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Cover art credit:
Jake Flaherty
CONTENTS
FOREWORD
It’s a good thing I didn’t eat this guy when I bumped into him several years ago, because he’s full of it. I read his first book, Am I the Only One That Signals? a few days later and I didn’t think you could pile it any higher. However, Bob E. [Bobby] has outdone himself with this one. He’s turned bullshitting into an art form.
The guy can write though. I read his articles in the Waterfront Times each month. I don’t really care much for the Waterfront Times readers because many of them go shark hunting for fun. When they’re not shark hunting, they’re whining about some poor manatee that got its back cut by a boat propeller — pobrecito. Sharks have been around for more than four-hundred million years. Humans kill more than one hundred million sharks each year, and all I hear about are manatees.
In my foreword to Bob E.’s first book, I warned people it would be dangerous to go the beach without a copy of the book. Since its publication in 2008, there have been approximately one hundred unprovoked shark attacks in the United States. When will people learn? None of those injured by sharks read his book. There was one fatality in 2010. According to his next of kin, the fella read Bob E.’s book but didn’t like it, and therefore did not heed the warnings within its pages.
We Shermans look out for each other.
— Sherman the Shark
PREFACE
Bullshit is commonly used to describe statements made by people more concerned with the response of the listeners than in truth and accuracy, such as statements made in politics or advertising. They call it rhetoric when politicians bullshit. But, we know better.
As if there wasn’t enough bull in my first book, Am I the Only One That Signals? I continued to pile it on in my writings for the Waterfront Times, West Marine News, a proprietary newsletter, and various internet sites. My column in the West Marine News was called “Loose Change” and only ran for six months. I no longer work for West Marine. I left for health reasons (they got sick of me). I also write to newspapers and my government representatives, missives rarely acknowledged.
This book is an anthology of my letters and articles. Many of the articles appearing in this book were first published in the Waterfront Times, formerly the twenty-seven-year-old Waterfront News, a nautical newspaper covering the issues, challenges, and trends of South Florida’s unique coastal neighborhoods. The column is called “Dead Reckoning” and it received the Boating Writers International, 2010 Certificate of Merit Award. Unless otherwise noted, all other articles appeared in various blogs and social networks, such as http://bobesherman.blogspot.com and www.gather.com.
Zbigniew Brzezinski said “You know you have such a stunningly superficial knowledge of what went on, that it's almost embarrassing to listen to you.” Zbig made this comment to Joe Scarborough on MSNBC’s Morning Joe, who was rambling on about Israel. Some suggest that statement could apply to me.
One of the best compliments a writer can get is to be told someone is reading his work. In the more than two years as a columnist for the Waterfront Times, I received only two comments, both for the same article and both negative. I told a story, loosely based on facts, about some mischief I got into as a teenager more than fifty years ago. The reader said I was setting a bad example for Fort Lauderdale youth and was a bad role model. That’s about as ridiculous as Shirley Sherrod being fired from the USDA for something she allegedly did twenty-five years ago.
The people, who do the vetting for those who want someone vetted, find vetters who have memories like an elephant. This is why I’ll probably never run for political office. I went on a short-lived crime spree in 1958 with my friend Horace, breaking out some windows of Mrs. Megill’s chicken coop. Our fathers paid for the damage. Horace and I both got the belt. After which, we became model citizens. I don’t want the chicken coop affair coming out on top of my mischief admission.
Some of my articles, which appeared in the Waterfront Times, were edited because of space restrictions. But, some may have been edited lest they offend some person or company. The chances of libel, in my opinion, are the same as my winning the Powerball, so articles in this book appear as originally written.
One of the editorial consultants I spoke with, about this book, suggested I hire a fact checker. While I already verified all my facts, I would not encourage anyone to use any of the information appearing here in any criminal defense, quote any of it in any campaign for political office, or use any of it as a basis to bet in Las Vegas.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to the Waterfront Times for publishing my monthly column “Dead Reckoning”, and giving me the opportunity to spread the gospel.
Special thanks to my sisters, Diane and Susan, who shared their time and talents to comment and critique. I did ignore their advice numerous times when they suggested “you can’t say that.” I have a Constitutional right to write almost anything, even if it makes no sense.
I would like to thank my wife Lea. Because of her shopping, Hadassah duties and having her nails done, I had a lot of free time to work on the book.
Special thanks to Diane Best, Willie Goodwin, and Sarah Singh. I don’t know these girls. However, they sent naked pictures of themselves to my Facebook account. I blocked them, of course, but it did brighten up my day.
Thanks to Cadillac Ranch at The Village at Gulfstream Park, for letting me ride their mechanical bull. I hope the next time they take it easy on the joy stick; I only wanted to take a picture not break my neck. I was lucky my friend Ralph had a butterfly bandage which stopped the bleeding.
Thanks to Shelia and Marlene who flew down from Toronto to take the bull riding pictures.
PART ONE
To give you a sense of how important I am and who I know, I begin this book with an interview with someone most of you know.
***
Interview with God
Bob E: Why have You decided to do this interview now?
God: You asked. Most people who talk to Me are just praying for strength or to win the lottery.
Bob E: Lots of people claim to communicate with You. Care to comment?
God: Many people pray to Me. Some of them think they hear voices. Most of the people who hear voices are crazy. You can imagine how difficult it would be to answer all prayers. The average person can’t even keep up with the e-mails they get.
Bob E: Why are the greatest oil reserves in the Middle East?
God: I have to admit this was one of My mistakes. Then again, I didn’t know the Arabs would turn out to be such assholes. On top of which, they don’t even believe in Me. I guess I could redistribute the oil. Fighting for it builds character, though. And a lot of people can use a little character.
Bob E: Why did my father die at such a young age?
God: Everyone thinks I have a master plan. This is not so. After creating the heavens and the earth in six days, I rested. A day was a lot longer back then than it is now. In fact, I’m still resting. What I did was create a random-event machine. It’s similar to a random-number-generator. Events take place, and they may or may not affect you for better or worse. I’m sure you’ve heard the expressions “shit happens” or “your number is up.”
Bob E: The Jews say they’re the “chosen people.” If this is true, what are they chosen for?
God: If it makes them feel good about themselves, so be it. You’re all God’s children.
Bob E: Who gets to go to heaven?
God: Well, the jury is still out on you, if that’s what you want to know. A lot of people will be shocked when they enter the pearly gates and see who’s here. The Christians believe that if you believe and are baptized, it’s a done deal. This is not necessarily the case. Those people on death row, who claim they found Jesus, are going to be in for a big shock. Last week a boy in the Amazon was killed by a school of piranhas. He was not baptized and never heard of Me. He’s up here with Me now, though.
Bob E: Speaking of Jesus, is He really your Son?
God: Well, 33 percent of the world’s population believes He is. Now that I think about it that’s only slightly better than George Bush’s approval rating when he left office. Short of a paternity test, there’s no way to prove it. Even though I created DNA, I don’t have any Myself. I will say this — when you get to heaven you’ll find out.
Bob E: In the Bible, there’s reference to a lot of miracles. Why don’t we have any miracles today?
God: That depends on how you define miracle. People believe that if their child is run over by a truck and the doctors say there’s no hope, but he lives, it must be a miracle. It’s not a miracle. It’s medicine. If you mean turning water into wine or parting the Red Sea, those were real miracles. People today are too skeptical for miracles to work. In the eighteen hundreds, I sent a few angels to earth. They performed miracles, and they were charged with witchcraft and burned at the stake.
Bob E: Thousands of years ago there were a lot of evil people on earth, so You sent a big flood. What did we do to deserve Britney Spears?
God: She’s not punishment. I’m only having a little fun. I gave everyone free will. Every so often, I create a few people to see how stupid a person can act; e.g. Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
Bob E: Why did Moses wander around in the desert for forty years?
God: First of all, it wasn’t really forty years in today’s terms. Remember, Moses had no maps and no GPS. The compass wasn’t even invented until the eleventh century. What’s more amazing is the number of people who followed a person around who didn’t know where he was going.
Bob E: The Jews have been praying for peace for thousands of years. Are You ignoring them?
God: Not really. Remember, patience is a virtue. Furthermore, I have a different concept of time than you do. I don’t even own a watch.
Bob E: Toby Keith has a song on his Shock’n Y’All CD called “If I was Jesus.” Does this offend You?
God: Lighten up Bob E. It’s a fun song. My favorite on that CD is “I Love This Bar.”
Bob E: I understand mankind started with Adam and Eve. So where did the Chinese and Negroes come from?
God: You’re not taking the Bible literally, are you? I didn’t think you were that stupid.
Bob E: Was Barack Obama born in the USA?
God: I’m embarrassed by the “birther” movement. These people are dumber than a bag of hammers. Obama was born in Hawaii, which is one of the fifty states. I should remind you that McCain was born in Panama, which is not in the USA. It’s only due to some legal loophole that McCain’s considered a naturalized citizen.
Bob E: Would you care to comment on the Westboro Baptist Church?
God: It’s the downside to giving people free will. Much like radical Islam, these people don’t have a clue. They’ll all burn in hell. Or maybe I’ll admit them to heaven and have them report to a gay angel.
Bob E: Is Christine O’Donnell a witch?
God: What do you think?
Bob E: I knew You were Jewish. You just answered a question with a question.
God: Sorry Bob E; I have to run. George Bush is saying his bedtime prayers, and I don’t want to miss them. Even I enjoy a good laugh.
Letter to AARP The Magazine
Joining AARP at age fifty was uneventful. I get discounts on hotel rooms, but I get the same discounts with AAA. Therefore, I’ve gained nothing. There was no excitement like when I turned fifty-five and qualified for the Senior Slam at Denny’s, or getting my Golden Age Passport at age sixty-two.
There are millions of us between the ages of fifty-five and sixty-five who are retired and need health insurance, but AARP spends more money advertising motorcycle insurance. I read the AARP Magazine looking for wisdom, and I find articles on how to save Social Security for our grandchildren, of which I have none. Perhaps I missed something. I wonder whether the RP in AARP stands for retired parents.
Abortion
In my book, Am I the Only One That Signals? I included a section on abortion. I took a lot of heat from friends and family for including this topic in a book of comic essays. There’s obviously nothing funny about abortion, but I included this topic because in the next election some of you will pick our President solely on his position on abortion, ignoring all the other problems in the world — and there are many. Not to mention Obama Health Care was held hostage while politicians beat to death the abortion issue once again.
I watched two shows on TV which suggest the pro-life people have more important things they should worry about. On 20/20, Anderson Cooper stated five million children die each year from malnutrition. He also reported very few of those children lived in the United States. The second show was the movie Blood Diamond, a very depressing film in which children were kidnapped and turned into killers. One of the main characters, Solomon Vandy, a Mende fisherman captured by rebels, asked this question: “How can our own people do this to each other?”
Maybe I’m no better than the Pro-Life fanatics, as I also ignored the five million children. However, I don’t bomb abortion clinics, and I’ll pick a President, who may do something about five million starving kids rather than taking away the civil liberties of a girl in Missouri, who was raped by her brother.
Abortion is not funny and it will not personally affect me. I keep writing about it because it’s in the news everyday. Whether you are for or against abortion, it will continue to be a divisive issue.
On a recent episode of Friday Night Lights, a high school student gets pregnant. Feeling uncomfortable talking to her mother, she asks a friend for help. He takes her to see the football coach’s wife, who was the high school principal and a certified counselor. Principal Taylor explains the options, after which the girl decides to have an abortion. The mother of the baby’s father gets wind of the incident, and tries to have Principal Taylor fired for advising the girl to abort her “grandchild.” You can see everyone is obsessed with the abortion issue. So don’t blame me for discussing it.
A related issue is “breast ironing” in Cameroon. Upon reaching puberty, mothers in Cameroon disfigure their daughter’s breasts to make them unattractive to the horny toads in the villages, hopefully reducing the teenage pregnancies.
I’m pro-choice, not pro-abortion. I have a plan to eliminate abortions, and at the same time not eliminate a woman’s right to choose. I propose the establishment of an “abortion superfund,” to be funded by a tax paid only by pro-life people. To avoid paying the tax each person would have to sign a petition saying they are pro-choice and would support any law protecting a woman’s right to choose. The money would be used to support unwanted children who otherwise would have been aborted.
One thing for certain, the question of abortion should not be decided by me or the government. In conclusion, before I listen to anything the right to life fringe has to say, they must take care of the five million starving kids in the world, the unwanted pregnancies in Cameroon, and all the girls like the one on Friday Night Lights.
Who’s Your Daddy?
I took the fact my parents were my parents on blind faith. There was no DNA testing in the forties. If they were not my real parents then it was the biggest conspiracy of all time. Some of the coconspirators would have been my sisters, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
Danielynn Marshall Smith will not have it so easy. She may never know who her daddy is. I don't believe Howard K. Stern, not to be confused with Howard Stern, had any role in the birth of Anna's baby. But I would look close at him for a role in the death of Anna's son and Anna herself.
Until the DNA tests are completed my theory has legs; i.e. the father of the baby was Anna's son Daniel. This sounds ludicrous you say. The public pictures of Anna and Daniel suggest a relationship beyond that of mother and son. My mother never looked at me that way or hired a hairdresser to comb my hair. Neither of my younger sisters was named after me. Her son dies mysteriously after Danielynn is born. I suggest Anna had something to do with her son's death. Then after being overtaken by overwhelming guilt she took her own life. Howard K. Stern assisted with the plot.
People have been killed for a lot less than 400 million dollars.
Anucha
In Am I the Only One That Signals? I talk about my amazement with jury awards. The recent case against the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden is no exception. Anucha Browne was awarded $11.6 million for being sexually harassed. Will somebody slap me? First of all, what job did she have that paid $260,000 per annum? For that kind of money, you can pat me on the ass all day long.
The Associated Press article described Anucha as married with two children. Later in the same article she was described as a mother of three. This woman doesn’t even know how many children she has.
Hopefully, the award will be reversed or reduced on appeal.
Anybody here from New York?
I was raised on the Jersey Shore about sixty miles from New York City. It may as well have been ten thousand miles away. As a kid I took the traditional trips to the city to see the Statute of Liberty, museums, etc. Like John Mellencamp, I was born in a small town. As an adult I have only been to New York City a few times, and I wasn’t impressed.
Have you ever been to a comedy club? A lot of comedians start by asking “anybody here from New York?” They always get a round of applause to break the ice. These New Yorkers are everywhere. No matter where I meet a New Yorker, there’s one common thread. Whatever we talk about, “it was better in New York.”
Out for a walk one day, I ran into my neighbor, Alan. He was waiting for a friend for breakfast. We talked about restaurants and the buffets at the two casinos in Hallandale came up. He said he had the dinner buffet at Gulfstream Park, and it was lousy and overpriced. He went to the Friday night Sea-food Buffet for $21.99. As I don’t eat bait I can’t pass judgment. I mentioned I went on Thursday, when it’s only $16.99, and I had a $5 coupon. I thought the meal was very good. “Are you crazy?” Alan said. “The salads were poor. I can go to the Korean Buffet in New York for only $4, and it has a better selection.” Alan forgot to mention the $25 for parking.
I’m sure that many of you miss your hometowns, but the New Yorkers can never stop talking about it. So my question for the New Yorkers is — if everything is better in New York, why don’t you go back?
Letter written to Bill Keller, Managing Editor of the New York Times July 2006
I find very little to agree about with the Bush administration. And, it’s not because I’m a registered Democrat. I rarely agree with them either. I do agree with the sentiments in John Snow’s letter to the Times concerning the Terrorist Finance Tracking Program.
The public’s right to know is much different than their need to know. There may be a public interest in who our covert CIA agents are, or the lurid details of Jonbenet’s murder. However, these are prurient interests that are best left to the supermarket tabloids. Local newspapers print the addresses of homes that have been burglarized. This is only of interest to other criminals who wait a week for the victim to buy a new TV, so they can steal that.
The sad truth is that this country is too free to ever win the war on terror. We are concerned more about the criminal’s or terrorist’s rights than those of the victims.
Boating Bill of Rights - West Marine News
A recent public survey found that few people could name at least two rights as granted in the US Constitution's Bill of Rights. One person actually thought the right to own a car was one of them; even though the Bill of Rights was written one hundred years before cars were invented.
I was going through some papers of my Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Granddaddy, Roger Sherman, and found some notes about the boaters' bill of rights. Apparently, these rights never made it past the first draft. You'll remember that Granddaddy Sherman signed the Declaration of Independence as well as the Constitution. However, John Hancock got all the publicity.
Sherman was way ahead of his time. Even though boaters were second class citizens in 1790 just like we are today; it may be informative to review his ideas:
•The freedom of religion shall allow one to perform a burial at sea (as long as you're three miles out).
•The freedom of speech shall include the right to call everything on a boat by a different name than the same thing used on land.
•The right to assemble shall include the right to form yacht clubs and hold raft-ups.
•The Captain shall have the right to stand up in a rowboat, even if it's dangerous. (George Washington exercised this right many times.)
•In consideration for helping to fight the British during the Revolution, the French will be allowed to invent some words or phrases to be used in case of distress at sea; e.g. mayday, securité, and pan-pan. The French often got into trouble shortly after leaving port. Therefore, these terms were already well known.
•Boaters should have the right to sail from New Jersey to Florida without going into the ocean. This later led to legislation creating the Intracoastal Waterway (ICW).
Cell Phones on a plane
The TV show 20/20 was irresponsible in suggesting that the airlines had no valid reason for banning cell phones. What’s next, allowing cell phones in libraries and movie theatres? Cell phones have already ruined an otherwise good meal in a restaurant; not to mention the lives that have been lost by drivers talking on their cell phones and not paying attention to the road.
20/20 attempted to put a hole in the theory that cell phone usage causes interference with the plane's navigation system. Common sense suggests that it doesn’t. Conversely, possibly it was the cell phones and not the terrorists that brought down Flight 93.
Common sense would also suggest that the reason we don’t want everyone using their cell phones is noise pollution. Most people who would otherwise talk in a normal tone get on their cell phones and start shouting. If you have ever used a VHF radio or spoke into a microphone; you know that raising your voice doesn’t make it clearer. To quote John Stossel: “give me a break.”
Chinese
When you were in grade school, did you go up to the biggest kid in school and tell him, his mama was ugly, or you didn’t like the way he spent his lunch money? I’d guess not. So why does George Bush want to piss off the Chinese? We should be working to make them our biggest ally. Remember what the undertaker said to Vito Corleone: “Be my friend godfather.” We should do the same with the Chinese.
They have a 2.5 million man army. I don’t know what they are planning. Perhaps it’s simply to create jobs. With a population of 1.2 billion, they have to do something. I doubt they are planning on invading the United States.
I contacted all the Fortune 500 companies and could not find one business plan that included waking up one morning and killing all their best customers. I doubt the Chinese have such a plan. I’m sure their army needs some real target practice. Like the NFL you can only hone your skills so much in a scrimmage. If China was a good ally, they might be willing to send five-hundred thousand troops to Iraq. This would be a surge. They could travel by land. The only thing in their way would be Afghanistan and Iran.
Most Americans, including me, think democracy is great, but if Iraq has proven anything; it’s you can’t shove it down everyone’s throat. We should let Hu deal with Hong Kong and Taiwan. It’s not our business. If President Bush is reading this, I mean Hu not you.
Cut and Run
Five years have passed since 9/11. Over three thousand American men and women have been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Over twenty thousand have been wounded, many seriously. The price of fuel for my boat has tripled. I can no longer have children owing to the effects of being x-rayed at the airports. I’m losing my hair which I assume was caused by the same x-rays.
A recent poll showed that 75 percent of those surveyed felt less optimistic about the war and 20 percent felt more optimistic. Unless those 20 percent reside on the funny farm, I’m at a loss to understand what information they have to arrive at such a conclusion. My friend Mike may be one of them.
Emmys 2007
I can’t explain how I managed to sit through most of the Emmy Awards. I watch enough TV to be classified as a couch potato. However, I don’t watch most of the shows that won awards, and I never even heard of some of them. Just like the Academy Awards, there’s an award for almost everything. One of my favorites is: “Outstanding Hairstyling in a Miniseries.” I forgot who won that one.
When I watch a show it’s hard for me to tell whether it was filmed with a single camera or several cameras. Now that I know that there’s an Emmy for best “Single Camera Film,” I’ll pay more attention.
Most of my favorite shows were snubbed or conspicuously absent altogether. Here is my list:
Sopranos
24
Prison Break
Friday Night Lights
The Unit
After my condo installed HBO during the second season, I never missed an episode of The Sopranos. The Sopranos did win the best drama series, but was otherwise ignored. The show 24 is so riveting that when it’s on, I don’t allow any talking in my house.
On 24 President Palmer was killed, but thanks to the miracle of TV, he reappeared as the lead in The Unit. Aside from being great shows, 24 and The Unit have me glued to the TV for another reason. Get rid of the ACLU and give me two teams headed up by Jack Bauer and Jonas Blane (lead characters of 24 and The Unit), and I’ll eliminate the terrorist problem.
The Emmys proved once again there’s no accounting for taste. I guess it’s just as well I don’t have a Nielsen box in my house.
God must be a sadist
I was still recovering from the Don Imus incident, when Al Sharpton made a bigoted remark about Mitt Romney’s religion. He later tried to squirm his way out of it by suggesting he meant something else. The only people who are buying this story are idiots and those who thought OJ was innocent.
It made me think of all the problems in the world today related to religious differences. I once suggested no wars were started by atheists. I’m not sure this is true as I did no research to prove or disprove the theory.
I felt bad for the atheist girl and her family who were profiled on 20/20. The girl was ridiculed and kicked off the basketball team for not participating in the Lord’s Prayer. The school authorities in Oklahoma claim this was not the reason. And like Al Sharpton, some day they will face their maker, and explain why they lied.
I’m not offering any excuses for the Oklahoma school, but I wonder why those atheists chose Oklahoma to live. I went to Tulsa years ago on a job interview. I believe in God. However, seeing a self-ordained, Bible carrying, minister on every corner trying to save me was a little too much.
It’s been years, since I read the Bible. I remember reading about lots of miracles. There’s nothing like a little miracle to make a believer out of you. This brings me to the question — wouldn’t this be a good time for a miracle? The true believers in most religions believe God created and is responsible for all things. The world is such a mess now, so why doesn’t God straighten it out?
There are so many unanswered questions. Why do little babies die; why did my father, who went to church every Sunday and took care of old ladies, die at a young age; why is all the oil on Arab land; are Abba, Allah, Yahweh, Vishnu and Sugmad, to name a few, the same deity? The Jews have been praying for world peace for over 5700 years. When will it come?
God sent hurricane Katrina to New Orleans, yet thousands of the survivors gave prayers of thanks to God for saving their, now miserable, lives.
Many believe God has a great plan. I’d like to know what His plan is. Are we on earth only for his amusement? It reminds me of the Capital One commercial where the bankers watch a miniature small business owner catch on fire while they plan lunch.
If you’ve read this far you’re probably thinking this writer is surely going to Hell. I hope not. The picture painted, in the movie Ghost, of those going to Hell was not pretty. Then again, Hell might be nothing more than spending an eternity with Paris Hilton and Debra Lafave.
Dear God, if I do get to heaven remember I was only kidding. But, of course You knew that.
Guns
I remember the debate over guns or butter from my economics class in the 60s. The only gun I ever owned was a 22 caliber rifle. I don’t own a gun now and my wife won’t let me eat butter. I cut the barrel of my rifle to look like Lucas McCain’s of the Rifleman TV show. I managed to keep my rifle a secret from my parents. I was not so lucky with the 1942 Harley I also bought while in high school.
Ammunition was readily available at the General Store in town. The only things I ever shot were beer bottles and an occasional squirrel. I bought the gun from a friend; thinking back I guess it was illegal.
I don’t pretend to be a constitutional scholar. The Second Amendment talks of the right to bear arms and a well-regulated Militia in the same sentence. One might conclude that the right to bear arms applies to being in a militia. Furthermore, most definitions of militias refer to citizens. Therefore, I would conclude only citizens should be allowed to own guns for any reason.
Aliens, whether legal or not, have no reason to possess a gun. If they feel they need it for protection; they should have stayed home where it’s safer. If they wanted to go hunting, they should have immigrated to Africa. The Constitution has stood the test of time fairly well, but things change. We did repeal the Eighteenth Amendment.
When I worked in the boating industry I was surprised to learn the NMMA (National Marine Manufacturers Association) was against mandatory education for boaters. This was the same paranoia that grips the NRA. Both organizations assume any regulation would be a step toward shutting down the whole industry. As a boater I certainly don’t want the boating industry to go away. And although I will probably never own a gun; I wouldn’t want all guns outlawed. However, does the NRA or any gun owner honestly believe that anyone really needs an automatic assault rifle? The gun collectors can visit a museum.
Hemorrhoids, asteroids, and steroids
If I get hemorrhoids, I can take Preparation H. If I get hit with an asteroid, I won’t know it. However, every day I get hit with information on steroids and there’s no defense. I only went to a major league baseball game once, about twenty years ago in Milwaukee. It may be the national pastime, but I never got caught up in it. My brother-in-law woke me up at the top of the sixth inning to take me home.
Why is the alleged violation of some self-imposed rule such big news? Would someone tell me why I should care whether Roger Clemens took steroids? Baseball is merely a game. Sure it’s a billion dollar industry. However, if we spent as much time on all the manufacturing jobs that have left the USA in the past fifty years, we would all be a lot better off. Roger’s denials sound sincere. However, remember that Michael Vick lied right up until the last minute. Now Vick, by admitting to another crime (drug abuse), may get an early release.
The fans are to blame for this mess. They will pay anything to watch professional sports, and they put those overpaid prima donnas on pedestals. For all the fathers out there, if you have a son you should be his role model, not Michael Jordan.
Legally Blind
Approximately 2 percent of the US population is legally blind. That’s about six million people. A Federal Judge has decided that the US currency should be changed so blind people can tell the difference between denominations. George Bush is buying it.
When my wife tosses and turns at night, because she can’t sleep, I’m only one elbow in the eye away from being blind myself. Therefore, I’m not unsympathetic. Before we start changing the sizes of the bills let's consider all the ramifications. If we change the size of the bills, we will have to change all ATM’s, parking meters, vending machines, and slot machines. I’m sure I’ve missed something. If they make any of the bills bigger I will need a new wallet and probably all new pants. Not to mention a new money belt.
I’m not convinced that this is such a big problem. Blind children do not shop by themselves. I called the Department of Transportation and learned there’s not one case of a blind person being given the wrong change at a toll booth.
The cost of printing the new currency and the cost of all the new machines mentioned above will cost billions. All this was caused by a few clerks at Wal-Mart that gave the wrong change to a blind person, thereby setting off this domino effect.
I don’t know if we can assume there’s no problem with credit cards. A dishonest clerk can put anything on the credit card they want. How does the blind customer check his charge slips before paying his bill? Couldn’t the same method be used to count his change when he gets home?
I think I have a more practical solution. Let’s assume that a blind person makes no more cash purchases than a sighted person. With the advent of credit and debit cards the amount has been on the decrease. The solution is that all blind people receive products, and services free if they would normally pay in cash for these services. This will cost us far less on an annual basis than changing the size of the currency.
Capt. Bob E. Sherman’s Cruising Recipes
It wasn’t too long ago when manatees were raised for food, hence Cowpens Anchorage near Islamorada, Florida. As slow and as stupid as they are, they are hard to catch. Manatees only eat sea grass, and it’s hard to put sea grass on a hook. Running over them with a boat is not practical either. Contrary to what the Save the Manatee Foundation claims, very few are killed by boats. In Broward County Florida only one manatee, per year, has been killed by a boat over the past thirty years. That’s usually in Port Everglades by a freighter. When a 600′ freighter with 72″ wheels hits a manatee you have instant Manatee Puree. How they even found the remains is a mystery to me.
One of my favorite cruising recipes is Manatee Stew.
Ingredients:
One medium manatee
1 bottle of oregano
1 bottle of MSG
3 large Bermuda onions
3 garlic cloves
1 cup of salt
1 bottle of Tabasco sauce
4 lbs. potatoes
3 cups of chopped seaweed
5 tomatoes diced
1 case of Bud
1 six pack of cold Bud
Cut manatee into 1 inch cubes, skin potatoes and onions and cut into quarters. Combine all ingredients into a large pot, add case of Bud and cook for 6 hours, stir occasionally while drinking the six pack of Bud; makes 48 servings. (Best served outside as manatees give you gas)
Christmas Reflections
On Christmas Eve, I thought I would reflect on the “Holiday” season. Growing up Christian in a predominately Christian community on the Jersey Shore, I never thought much about other religious or ethnic holidays. I remember going back to school after the Christmas break and seeing the two Jews in our school all tanned and refreshed from their annual trip to Miami Beach. I never wondered whether they were having more fun on the beach than I was using my new sled on the freshly fallen snow.
After being married to my little Jewish wife for the last forty years I don’t celebrate much for Christmas. My wife still gives me a gift on Christmas morning, which I accept gladly. Sometimes I hang my “Happy Holidays” and “Seasons Greetings” cards on a string across the living room wall. Each year I get a Christmas card from an old friend who writes “Jesus loves me” on the back of the envelope. I don’t know if this is true or not, but it would be pretty depressing if he wrote “Jesus hates me.”
Hanukkah has been around longer than Christmas. It celebrates an event that took place in 165 B.C. It coincidently falls each year around the same time as Christmas. It is not the Jewish Christmas as many believe. Forty years ago, in Jersey, neither Christians nor Jews were jealous of the other’s holiday. In fact, we all joined together to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day; when of course everyone is Irish.
The holidays aren’t fun anymore as we are so politically correct that we can’t wish anyone a happy “specific holiday” without risking offending someone. The atheists are offended the most as they have no holiday to celebrate. I guess the Irish atheists don’t celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day because if there’s no God then we can’t have a saint.
The Afro-Americans are more American than most of the residents of the USA today. Nevertheless, they strive to set themselves apart. I’m proud of my Italian heritage. Even so, it’s not all consuming. I have no desire to move to Italy or to change my name to Luigi. I don’t have a problem with anyone celebrating their heritage. With all due respect, to Dr. Karenga; it seems funny to me that Kwanzaa falls near Christmas, runs for several days, as does Hanukkah, and even has a menorah with seven candles. Dr. Karenga is also chair of NAKO (National Organization of Kawaida Organizations) which sounds like NATO.
I’m not offended if someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanzaa, or asks God to bless me. I need all the blessings and well wishes I can get.
Have a Merry Christmas.
Oil
My letters to the Florida Governor and to my state representatives have been ignored. This may be understandable as my concerns are for mundane things like property insurance and sections of the Florida Statutes that allow condo boards to discriminate against certain groups.
It’s now apparent that Governor Crist has bigger fish to fry. The Governor’s Energy Summit made good press. However, these are issues best left to our Federal Government. The state of Florida decided a few years ago to stop auto emission testing. My ozone meter is out of order, so I don’t know if we are better or worse off. Creating higher emission standards for autos in the state will only make autos and gasoline more expensive, just like in California.
State Representative Joe Gibbons put in his two cents by suggesting that alternative fuels may be the answer. This is again a federal issue, unless Gibbons wants to help the Florida sugar cane industry. Yes, I said sugar cane. Contrary to all the media hype on corn ethanol, Brasil produces ethanol from sugar, not corn. The United States doesn’t even have enough land to produce corn in meaningful quantities. Not to mention that the price is higher and the mileage is lower than regular gasoline. Furthermore, ethanol was produced with insufficient research resulting in damage to many marine engines. Ethanol dissolves fiberglass fuel tanks.
Little attention has been devoted to the marine industry in the discussion of gasoline and diesel fuel, as marine usage is a small percentage compared to what is used in autos and trucks. This is where Florida’s law makers should focus.
Pedestrians
I don’t find Hallandale, Florida to be very pedestrian friendly. When Hurricane Wilma hit several years ago, the Olympus Condo received a threatening notice from the City to repair the sidewalk on Three Islands Blvd. which was damaged from an uprooted tree. I’m sure the Olympus had every intention of repairing the sidewalk, but had other priorities, such as sliding doors and interior walls being blown out by the hurricane.
How does the code department have time for letters like this when many areas in the city have no sidewalks at all? I cannot walk to Wal-Mart from the Olympus or down Atlantic Shores Blvd. on a sidewalk. I’m encouraged by the recent installation of sidewalks on the corner of Atlantic Shores and 14th Ave.
At the Olympus Condo, we had an engineer draw up some plans for a sidewalk at the marina. Apparently there aren’t any City requirements to have a sidewalk, but when you want to build one, hundreds of code restrictions come into play. Because the code requires sidewalks to be 4′ wide, our engineer stated that we would need a variance, or we may be required to move light posts to allow for a 4′ path. I assumed this would not be a problem as there are many public sidewalks in Hallandale with a sign or light post right in the middle of the sidewalk.
One of my daily walks is to the Diplomat Mall. From a pedestrian point of view, this was a planning disaster. Rather than a leisurely stroll for window shopping, it is an obstacle course. There’s no sidewalk in front of Starbucks and some other businesses. Several years ago when Pumpernick’s Restaurant was in the Starbucks location, my wife got a parking ticket when she parked at the curb and ran in for a loaf of bread. Today, without exception, when I walk past Starbucks, I must walk around two or three cars parked directly in front. Several days ago there was a car parked in the middle of the roadway and the lady inside the car was putting on makeup. Why doesn’t the City enforce the parking regulations now?
The sidewalk on Hallandale Beach Blvd. is also an obstacle course. You must walk around bus stops and light posts. At the cost of probably $50 million (I could not get a cost figure from the County or State) a bicycle lane was added. Almost every time I take a walk, I’m nearly run over by bicyclists who refuse to use the bicycle lane.
The sidewalk in front of the mall is cluttered with many obstructions, such as the pillars at Winn-Dixie. The restaurants, with sidewalk dining, take more and more of the walking area. I reported Panera’s and the Thai restaurant for encroaching onto the sidewalk. The Code department informed me that the four feet rule applied. Four feet is nowhere big enough for a public sidewalk. Two couples or wheelchairs cannot pass. The City did contact the two restaurants, and they moved their tables back. The Thai restaurant and Panera’s still keep inching out at every opportunity.
Now two new restaurants, Carleton and Piola, have added sidewalk tables. Although they are within the four feet limit it is very difficult to pass. They both have planters right on the edge. It was impossible to walk past Carleton’s without hitting my head on a palm branch. I took the liberty of doing some tree trimming, so it wouldn’t happen again.
In conclusion, I suggest the code regulations, regarding the width of a sidewalk, be revisited and set at a realistic width that will allow adequate space for walking.
Rally against Middle East Conflict
Watching the Rally on C-Span on Sunday was a scary experience. The Muslim organizations that were represented, Partnership for Civil Justice, and the National Council of Arab Americans to name two, all missed one important point of the current conflict; i.e. the PLO’s actions precipitated the 1967 war, and have perpetuated the conflict for the past forty years.
Yes wiping out an entire country may seem unjustified for the capture and killing of several Israeli soldiers. There were many cries of excessive retaliation on the part of Israel. I remember after Pearl Harbor we dropped the big one on Hiroshima. There were people who said “isn’t that a little excessive for bombing one little naval base?” The ACLU and other groups claimed we were waging a war against the Japanese. Can you imagine?
I wonder if all the rally participants appreciate the fact this type of rally would not be possible is most areas of the world, particularly the Muslim countries. The US was blamed for this conflict, and the assumption made that the US could stop it tomorrow. I would disagree with both points. Yes we support Israel and may have supplied many of the weapons. There was no mention that Syria and Iran support Hezbollah and supplied all their weapons.
The Muslims at this rally gave new meaning to “selective memory loss.” They forgot the events of July 12, 2006, (Hezbollah kills three Israeli soldiers, kidnaps two others) and September 11, 2001. If you tell yourself the same lie repeatedly you will begin to believe it. Mohammad Khatami, the Iranian scholar, doesn’t even believe there was a Holocaust.
Watching Remember the Titans later in the day I was reminded of how persuasive brainwashing can be. Radical Islam has brought brainwashing into the twenty-first century. Sure US history has many things not to be proud of. Certain groups of people were taught from an early age to hate others for no reason. Innocent people were killed and churches were burned. However, I don’t remember any case of suicide bombings. Most westerners can understand how a person can learn to hate others. However, killing yourself to make a point is a difficult concept to wrap your arms around.
I will agree with one point made at the rally; US foreign policy sucks. George Bush, who appears at times to have trouble with the English language may have misused the term Islamic Fascists. As one of the speakers pointed out, Fascism is not mentioned in the Koran. This may be true. I have not read the Koran. However, if he cannot see that radical Islam meets many of the smell tests for fascism, then one of us needs to go back to school.
Even Ramsey Clark was there. I don’t put too much weight on what he has to say; just like I don’t get very upset when a drunk makes anti-Semitic remarks. The message of the rally was peace. Even so, it takes two to tango. For this dance to be over both dancers must sit down. Perhaps the 1948 Partition was a bad idea, and maybe we shouldn’t have taken America from the Indians. Herein lies the dilemma.
Given the premise the USA is not going back to the Indians and Israel is not going away; what solution can the Muslim community offer?
Rosh Hashanah for Italians
Forty years ago I converted to Judaism, so I could marry my little Jewish wife in a Synagogue. I was not practicing any religion at the time so it was no big deal. My Italian, ex-Catholic, mother and my ex-Baptist father took part in the ceremony and treated my wife as their daughter until the day they died.
I have only been to church a few times in the last forty years, so I don’t know what the current customs are. My wife drags me to a temple every year for the High Holy Days. I hold the prayer book and stand and sit on cue, like a good Jew.
I don’t know why I’m still amazed after forty years, but the actions of the real Jews leave me scratching my head every year. Some of the men wear sneakers as it is some sort of tradition. However, for others I have no explanation. At the Rosh Hashanah evening service, a young man sitting in front of me was wearing Levis, sneakers, and a bowling shirt. His mother was dressed like someone who hangs out in a bowling alley.
People wander in throughout the service. Even though they are interrupting the service they do not hesitate to wave to all their friends and to stop and kiss the ones close by. Many constantly turn around to make sure all their friends know they are there.
The morning service was not much different. As non-members, my wife and I sit in the back with our yellow tickets. About an hour into the service, we decided to move as the lady in front of us was constantly coughing and blowing her nose. Furthermore, her polka dotted spangled jacket was making me dizzy. As I was sliding over a family was arriving and wanted me to move back over one seat. As they sat down, they were talking and then one of their cell phones rings. Once they settled down the lady next to me took off her shoes; her bare foot almost touching me. She was quiet the rest of the service as she read her bridge notes.
I know why I’m there, but why would anyone pay $100 to sit in a Synagogue and study for the upcoming bridge game?
Silver lining - Don Imus
If there’s a silver lining to the Imus story, it’s the fact I’m learning a lot of new $2 words. Some think Imus Gate will lead to a more open discussion of racism and its cure. While we may discuss it, it will not go away in our lifetime. I’m remembering a story told by one of my high school classmates. Following a tour of duty in the Air Force, he worked in Madagascar. He told me racism and prejudices were rampant. The darker your skin the lower you were on the social ladder. The USA does not have a monopoly on racism.
As bad as Al Sharpton thinks it is in the USA, he needs to look at Africa and see how the descendants of those lucky enough not to have been brought here as slaves are living. Without the influence of Don Imus or Pastor Thomas Robb, the Sudanese people are killing each other. George Bush thought we could bomb the Sunni and Shiites into loving each other. It didn’t work.
The media has paid much too much attention to Imus Gate. My well-read sister in California never heard of Imus. Most of the Rutgers girls’ basketball team didn’t listen to Imus. My wife didn’t know the meaning of ho. I wasn’t sure what “nappy” meant. Zine Magubane in his Globe article states “nappy is historically offensive.” To prove his point he quotes a comment made by Thomas Jefferson. I’m sure you all remember that.
I’m not sure there’s a consensus definition of nappy in the black community. The model, Tiffany thinks nappy is beautiful. You can go on nappygear.com and buy a T-shirt proclaiming “Nappy designed by God.” Maybe Imus should be held to a higher standard, but a simple guy like me could think words such as nappy and ho are normal language. “Ya know what I mean?”
Professor Zine teaches “African Diaspora.” As smart as I am I needed to look up Diaspora. Microsoft Spell check thinks it should be capitalized. My 1975 Webster’s defines it only in the context of the Jews being displaced from Palestine. Perhaps the reason why Imus has been tolerated all these years is unless you have taken an advanced college course or have Al Sharpton watching out for you, you may not even know you are being insulted.
Suicide is Painless
Who can forget the lyrics to the song from the movie Mash “Suicide Is Painless”? I, along with most infidels can’t understand why someone would blow themselves up for Allah, seventy-two virgins, or whatever. As absurd, and ridiculous as their reasons are, they think it’s justified.
I, for sure, cannot explain this phenomenon. I’m at a bigger loss to understand the recent AP report stating there were ninety-nine suicides in the Army in 2006, the highest rate in twenty-six years. I don’t mean to make light of this, but I don’t get it. If I was ever that depressed, I know I would take a few people along with me. The list would be short, but it would include several people on my condo board.
I have a picture of my kindergarten class on my website. In the picture is a boy named Rick. He lived a block away from me, and we were close friends from kindergarten through high school. Rick was president of our senior class. We went our separate ways after graduating in 1962. Rick returned to Manasquan from Vietnam in 1968 and took his own life.
Our pictures were on the same page in the yearbook. He signed my yearbook writing “Here’s to seeing you in the future.” Fifty years later we are in another meaningless war with more meaningless suicides. — “God help us.”
Favorite Teacher
At my age, it’s hard to remember any of my teachers. One thing I’m absolutely certain of, is none of my teachers looked like Debra Lafave. If I did have a teacher like Debra, and she acted inappropriately toward me, it would be our little secret. Jack Bauer couldn’t get it out of me.
I do remember my sixth grade teacher, Arnie Walquist. He was from Sweden. How on earth he ever found his way to Manasquan will remain a mystery. He taught me and the other students the importance of exercise. Arnie didn’t have a car, so he rode to school on his bicycle every day. At the time we thought it was cool. Arnie introduced us to soccer and downhill skiing. We played more soccer than skiing as there was only one hill in town, and it was about fifty feet high.
Several years later my younger sister was in Arnie’s class. Always thinking outside the box, Arnie improvised during a fire drill. He realized the fire could be in front of a door; so he ordered all the students to exit through the windows. It was a one story building. As my sister lined up, she heard Arnie yell “fat kids last.”
Hooked on Velcro
As a small boy I would run through the woods. When I got home, I would find burrs stuck to my socks. I remember thinking; I bet I could invent a fabric that would stick to itself like the burrs did to my socks. However, I knew even though it might have some useful purposes, it would be a nuisance when wearing it or washing it. Now when I wash my shorts and have to remove my socks from all the Velcro pockets, I know I made the right decision.
George de Mestral, the Swiss inventor, did not have the same foresight. Thanks to his blatant disregard for my well-being he invented Velcro and probably made millions in the process. To make matters worse he came up with the word Velcro from blending two French words: velours and crochet, velvet hook. I eat American Fries and I’m annoyed when out on my boat, and I have to listen to calls of mayday, pan-pan, and securité. You’ll remember these distress calls were invented by the French, who always got into trouble soon after leaving port.
I remember the good old days when pockets were closed with buttons or zippers. If you wanted to keep something secure you could just button it. And if the button fell off, it could easily be replaced with a needle and thread. Then if you wanted quick access to your iPod or Pocket Advisor you could leave the pocket unbuttoned and easily pull either out. This is not so anymore. Most shorts, made today, have Velcro closures.
Thankfully, Sportif makes pockets with buttons and zippers. At any marina you visit, every other person will be wearing Sportif shorts. They are not perfect either, as most come with wide belt loops, making it difficult to hang your keys. Furthermore, they resisted, until recently, the latest fashion trend of longer shorts. So even though I have good looking legs, I don’t wear my Sportifs to work. I have vowed the next pair of shorts I buy will not have Velcro.