Copyright
2012. Kim Harris. All rights reserved.
Softcopy Edition: ISBN:
978-0-578-04973-1
http://www.kimharris-author.com
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DEDICATIONS
Thanks to God for allowing me the opportunity to express my most authentic self through writing.
Thanks to my family and friends for loving and supporting me in my passion and inspiring me to continue this wonderful journey called life.
Thanks to my muse [you know who you are] for inspiring me to open up towards a loving, romantic relationship that will stand the test of time.
Thanks to all the couples and singles who contributed to the roundtable discussions, blogs, and surveys to shorten the gap in understanding what makes a relationship stick in the 21st century.
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Where Is He?
I know he's there…somewhere.
I can feel him near, pick up his scent, feel his breath on my neck, and imagine his kiss.
Where is he?
I think of him often throughout the day and wonder how he's managing through his.
My King, my lover, my friend - where is he?
I can hardly wait to laugh at his off-beat jokes and gaze into his soft brown eyes; to feel his lips kiss my fingertips. I can hardly wait to take long strolls filled with captivating conversation and silent-filled moments of awe and amazement at this wonderful blessing in my life.
Where is he?
No need to look, as magnets we are drawn to each other with a compelling force.
We are a match in every way.
The layers of the Universe peel away to open the path to my heart so my King can come to me with confidence.
He knows I am waiting. He knows I am his…
He, too, only belongs to me.
Where is he?
I
will remain patient. I will not respond out of eagerness to every
line cast my way. The bait of trickery, deception, and fallacy are
plenteous - but, my soul only knows one
and I will know him when
he comes.
Where is he?
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What About A Woman Like Me?
In 2005, I decided to open my life up and explore the dating scene once again. My son was in high school and within a couple of years I would experience the empty nest syndrome.
Determined to have a life after he went to college, I began to make time for dating. It was, and still is, a very interesting journey. Being one of those mothers who lived vicariously through their children was not an option. Since making that decision, I have learned much about myself and what to expect from various types of men. Experience has taught me that it pays to be prudent when it comes to sharing my heart.
I tried a little of everything…radio dates, online dates, blind dates, etc., etc., etc. Read several books on the matter to gain some insight on dating strategies for the 21st century since it seemed I had lost touch with socializing on an adult level with my male counterpart.
Although some of the methods mentioned here worked wonders for some, it was not me. This was not how I wanted to connect with my ideal man. Scrolling through thousands of photos with catchy headlines like “Hot4You” was not my idea of a solid hook up. In fact, my perception of online dating is the “old school” club scene but online; the virtual meat market.
Having a strong spiritual foundation, I move through every experience with spiritual principles as my guide. Even in creating new relationships, it is important to me to have an understanding of how God wants me to move through the experience with little or no bruising, while gaining a broader understanding of myself and the person I choose to be involved with.
Today, I have a pretty high set of standards when it comes to the men in my life. I must admit though, it was not always that way, which is why I think I can freely share my opinions in this work about relationships. I have dabbled in the best and worst of them and while I’m here with some level of comfort knowing that there will a degree of judgment from those who have no idea of what shaped me into who I am today, I would not trade my experiences for a second chance if God Himself offered it to me. I am grateful for all the men who have crossed my path and contributed to my overall development, both spiritually and mentally.
The things I have written about are part speculation, but mostly my truth. I have lived these experiences and have taken responsibility for the good, bad, and ugly. There were times in my life when I compromised my standards to be with men who were not an ideal match. Those relationships taught me well to keep my standards high and expect nothing less than the absolute best for myself, simply because I deserved it, and more.
In retrospect, my confidence level determined a great deal of what I experienced overall. There were times when I was not in the best state of mind when entering the relationship and it worsened as time progressed. During one period, I was emotionally bottomed out – extremely insecure, dependent, needy, and volatile. The recovery and healing time took years and inspired decisions that caused me to search much deeper within myself and connect more intimately with the God I knew was pulling me through.
This period of recovery was the best thing that ever happened to me. The strength that I attained brought me into alignment with purpose, self-awareness, and self-love. This realization is the catalyst upon which I do everything today, especially in selecting the men I date.
The men that approach me, come knowing they must present the best package they can, because they know just by their perception of me that I expect nothing less. But, here is the thing…they feel inspired to be their best because of who I am and what I represent to them. Ladies, our men already know we are the prize. We must learn to allow them an opportunity to win our hearts and be their best for us.
There are so many beautiful, talented, intelligent women out there begging for the crumbs off the table of a man who is not worth two wooden nickels or their time. You are the prize! So, my question to you single ladies; are you standing out or blending in? What makes you the exception? Bottom-line, that is what a real man is looking for; the exceptional beauty from both inside and out. This kind of woman makes him a better man, and believe it or not, whether his behavior corresponds to that reality, he knows this to be the truth.
I’m tired of reading books written by men telling women how to get their attention. Somewhere along the line somebody got it twisted. Why isn’t anyone educating our men on how to step up to the plate and be Real Men?
What does that mean? What is a Real Man? A real man is someone who accepts responsibility for his decisions and never seeks to place blame. He is always looking out for the interest of others and has a selfless attitude. He is ambitious, courageous, decisive [not double-minded], a gentleman at all times, believes that there is a Higher Power, God, Universal Divine, or any entity greater than himself. He is purposeful and upholds the values of family and community.
This is the short list of what a Real Man encompasses in my mind. Now, let’s keep this in perspective; we as women of substance and quality have to know what our true talents, assets, and purpose is as a woman when it comes to being a lifetime partner, or wife to that real man. We must in turn be the real woman he is looking for to advance in his life.
It surprises me to see the constant decline of standards when it comes to relationships; the domino effect is a generation of men and women who don’t expect much of themselves or the partners they choose. Our men have become lazy when it comes to courtship, and anything that resembles “work” sends them runnin’ in the other direction. I say, “OK…keep it movin’…to the left, to the left!”
It is no wonder relationships are ending before they get started. Essentially, the art of courtship is no longer a sought after art form. Ladies, Women, don’t make it easy by being too accommodating and accepting of substandard behavior. When will it end? When will we stop and take a look at the long-term ramifications of dysfunctional relating practices? I’m talking about the broken-down family structure, the lack of commitment and endurance needed to grow in a relationship.
A good friend of mine told me "you can't write about what you don't know about"…So here! Written in this book is what I know about romantic relationships and my experience with connecting with men. I have raised my son based on what I felt was missing in my relationships men. I have passed on my expectations of being considerate and a gentleman at all times to him. I’m proud that he has not failed me in that area. He opens the door for every young lady, known or unknown at the store. He pulls my chair, assists with my bags, welcomes me home from work and asks how my day was. These are the kind of men we need and it begins with us, their mothers.
As the single mother of a son, I can empathize with the countless single moms out there trying their best to be the mother and “father” to their sons. We are not equipped to do both…we can only be the best mother we can be. We must make our sons responsible for their actions, guide them into making good decisions, and give them a sense of duty by assigning chores and holding them accountable. Spoiling them and doing everything for them hurts them in the long term. They end up looking for someone to always give them something and never exercising any ambition to make things happen for themselves, because they know “Momma” will always bail them out. Show some tough love every now and then, they will appreciate you for it when they know how.
As you will notice in this book, I acknowledge the many variants of relationships today. They don’t always represent the typical man/woman pairing…sometimes, it is same-sex pairing. For the purposes of this book, when you see my reference to “a woman like me”, it is strictly speaking from a personal point of view in a man/woman relationship.
Understand, I am not an expert on relationships and I never claimed to be. I am not Dr. Phyllis providing you with psychological profiles of your partners. This is not written as a professional guide for your emotional drama regarding men or women. It’s me; my life, opinions, and observations.
A woman like me has the ability to make wiser choices in dating by using the life experiences she has attained to weed out the men or women who will not serve her well in the long term.
Men, like women, sometimes come with so much baggage that it is hard to move forward in a relationship, even in one that has strong potential. It is mentally exhausting trying to carry someone else’s baggage! To some degree, we all have war scars from our past relationships. But, you can tell if the wounds are still fresh by the constant comparison of past relationships. He will say things like, “why do women do that?”, or “you women always…” Really? I thought I was just one woman. Don’t be afraid to remind him that you are one woman, not all women. This is a clue that he has not released the pains of his past and he has an expectation that you will somehow disappoint him in the same or similar way. This will definitely surface in his treatment and behavior with you.
A woman like me understands that acceptance of another is far greater than judgment. We know how to extend grace and forgiveness for minor infractions because we know no one is perfect. But, we also know that when the infractions become the rule rather than the exception, it is time to walk away. We can do that with confidence because we understand that there is no need to ever settle for what is less than what we deserve or desire.
A woman like me, a woman of substance, influence, strength, and self-respect has the ability to release a relationship that is not in her best interest and move in a direction that is more satisfying; we always keep our options open. We always look for ways to expand our lives to include only the things and people we want in our experience.
There are lots of life lessons to be learned in the game of love. Too bad we have to refer to it as a game. Far too many of you reading this has had to play a few to get the attention of your intended partner or spouse.
Hopefully, what I share in this work will help everyone realize that game playing in the romance department is unnecessary when you are in alignment with your intended desires. Your power to attract your partner is more potent than you realize.
A woman like me and a man like you are two distinct individuals with one common denominator; we were both created by one Divine mind.
Be Blessed, Encouraged, & Empowered
K
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Adam’s Rib
“The Lord God said, ‘it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper for him’. [Genesis 2:18].
So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man.” [Genesis 2:21-22]
The story of Adam and Eve has been told for thousands of years and it still does not get old. Like many of you, I have read the story in Sunday school, Wednesday night Bible study, and even at church tent revivals. For all these years, I have recounted the scene where God put Adam into a deep sleep. But, not until the writing of this work did a more profound revelation come. When God made the woman from Adam’s rib, He brought her to Adam…did you get that?
God presented Eve to Adam like a father-of-the-bride presents his daughter to the man who will protect her heart for the rest of their days. Now, here is the juice of the berry; in order for God to bring Eve to Adam, Eve had to first be with God. That is so deep! You see, Adam already had a relationship with God when Eve was brought to him. So, in essence the two were with God, individually, before they even met.
Whether you believe the story of Adam and Eve or not, the major problems between men and women today lie within the spiritual disconnection with God. Every woman is an Adam’s Rib. And according to the story, unless we are with God first, he cannot bring us to our Adam. Think about this for a moment; when Adam awakened from his deep sleep, he had no idea what to expect. He trusted that God knew exactly what he needed in a woman; a helper. Imagine Adam looking down at the scar and wondering, ‘where is she?’
Looking around the garden, he did not see her; and then, there she stood on the arm of God, walking toward him. Adam knew instantly she was the one…she was captivating, mesmerizing, and hypnotic.
How did things get so out of sync? Women are chasing men like they are in some kind of marathon. Ladies, we are looking when all we have to do is recognize when God has brought us to our Adam. But, in order for that to happen, we have to be tapped-in and turned-on to our Divine Self, Higher-Self, Universal Source, the God within, or however you choose to identify it. Your Adam is already with God, and trust me, he is not looking for just anybody…he is waiting for his rib, his Eve to be brought to Him by the God he trust.
The core of this message is we must seek to be complete with our spiritual source and all the divine blessings that come with that will manifest without hesitation. Our desire for a mate or life partner comes from the God who created us. Sometimes we try too hard to make things happen on our own. Of course, action is required to move into the direction of what we want to experience. But, sometimes it is okay to just be still, trust, and obey the voice within that is filled with infinite wisdom.
Since Adam and Eve, our society has changed the look of romantic relationships. Of course, there is no judgment, it is simply a matter of personal preference; however, the principle of divine connection remains the same. Without a spiritual foundation to create the connection, traditional and non-traditional unions alike experience the consequences of that disconnection.
There is one other point that comes to mind. When God created Eve, He only took one rib from Adam. He could have easily taken out a whole slab and created Eve and five other sistah’s so that Adam could pick and choose, but He didn’t – why do you think that was the case? I have an interesting point of view: God used one rib, because man only needed one woman. Say, that again! Man only needs one woman.
Now, he may want many women, but he only needs one. When he decides to realize that he only needs one, he will then seek his missing rib. Until then, ladies, you are simply one of many. Don’t fall for the one-to-many relationship scheme. You want one partner, and the one you want must also want just you.
It is never necessary to compete with another woman over a man. If you feel that you must, then you are with the wrong man. You see, if you were with the right one, he would never feel the need to be with another woman because he would have his missing rib; you, who provide him with everything he would need or want in a woman. Sure, there are always going to be prettier, younger women with more of this, and less of that. So what! So what! Don’t get me wrong, he will look and probably a bit harder than you would like. But, in his mind and his heart he will know that he has his match and other women cannot hold a candle to you.
Some might even say that Eve had an advantage, because there was no competition. I disagree. Adam could have chosen toiling in the fields over her. Like some men today who choose their jobs over keeping the home fires burning. Work-life balance does not exist to men like this. They are workaholics and a wife, or partner is more like a mistress being squeezed into the schedule. In situations like this, the priorities got mixed up somewhere along the line. It could even be that these priorities were discussed before hand and that nothing more should be expected. I doubt if that is the case, but, I’m always willing to give the benefit of the doubt.