Secrets of Discipline
12 Keys
for raising
responsible
children
by
Ronald G. Morrish
Author
Woodstream Publishing
Fonthill, Ontario, Canada
Copyright © 1997 by Ronald G. Morrish
Illustrated by John Boon (Welland, Ontario, Canada)
Cover design and associated graphics by Joanne D’Amico (Port Colborne, Ontario, Canada)
Smashwords Edition 2012
All rights reserved.
1. Discipline of children. 2. Parenting 3. Teaching 4. Raising children 5. Classroom management
Woodstream Publishing, P.O. Box 1093, Fonthill, Ontario, Canada LOS 1E0
ISBN 978-0-9681131-5-8
Smashwords Edition, License Notes:
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
To all the
dedicated parents who have invested untold time and energy in an
effort to raise responsible children….
and
to my own children, Terry, Darcy, Alexander, and Suzanne, who prove
every day that the investment is worthwhile.
Chapter 1: Feeling Frustrated?
Chapter 2: Choices, Choices, Everywhere
Chapter 3: Where Have All the Limits Gone?
Chapter 5: On the Endangered List
Chapter 7: To Think or Not To Think
Chapter 11: Timing is Everything
Chapter 12: Absence Makes the Worry Grow Stronger
Chapter 13: Decisions, Decisions
Chapter 14: The Ties That Bind
Chapter 15: Self-Esteem or Self-Indulgence
Chapter 16: A Spoonful of Planning Helps the Conflicts Go Down
Discipline
Gone Awry
Feeling Frustrated?
Are you tired of bargaining with your children just to get a little co-operation? Are you frustrated by their lack of respect? If so, then you are not alone. Millions of parents and teachers share your concerns. They have watched children become more aggressive, and they are worried about the lack of safety in our schools and communities. They have seen the disruption in school classrooms and they are worried about the quality of education. They have witnessed the lack of respect in children and they are worried about the future.
What has happened to discipline? Could television and the movies have such a negative impact on our children? Many people think so. Others believe that social issues are to blame, including poverty, abuse, and the breakdown of the family unit. Research says that every one of these concerns plays a significant role. That’s not a surprise.
The only real surprise is that no one is investigating the most obvious source of problems. As you will soon see, many of the problems with discipline lie within discipline itself. Many of the strategies that we presently use to raise our children will not give us the kind of children we want.
Everyone agrees that we must raise our children to be responsible and co-operative. This is the only way that we can have confidence in the future of our communities. Unfortunately, today’s popular discipline will never accomplish this task. It actually encourages children to become manipulative and non-compliant. It teaches them to play life like a chess match – move and counter-move. Parents and teachers are forced to make deals with children and threaten punishment just to get a few chores done and have rules obeyed.
It doesn’t take long for adults to become so exasperated and frustrated that they feel like giving up.
Now, don’t misunderstand. This doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to raise responsible children using today’s popular discipline. After all, there are a lot of great children in the world. Obviously, some parents and teachers succeed – but it’s not easy. Even at the best of times, discipline is exhausting and everyone has days when they wonder if it’s all worthwhile. Fortunately, many of these problems can be avoided, and that’s what this book is all about.
The first step is to understand what today’s popular discipline is all about. You see, discipline keeps changing. It reflects changes in our society. During the past 40 years, discipline has gone through several dramatic transformations.
Remember When?
Until the 1960’s, discipline and obedience were considered virtually synonymous. The goal of discipline was to instill in each child a form of respect for authority that would result in the child following adult directions without question. Children were to “be seen and not heard”. Any form of disagreement with adult direction was labelled “talking back” and was dealt with accordingly.
Then we became concerned that children were overly submissive and lacked independence. As teenagers, they felt obligated to rebel against adult domination and the abuse of power. We realized that discipline had to change, so....
Into the 1970’s, we followed the advice of psychologists who suggested that children should not be inhibited. Parents were supposed to unconditionally give and give to their children, demanding little in the way of chores and responsibilities. They weren’t to use the word “No” because it could lower a child’s self-esteem. Rudeness, anger, and defiance were to be viewed as healthy outlets for hostility and accepted as a natural part of growing up.
Then we became concerned that children were turning into spoiled brats who thought that the world should revolve around their personal rights and needs. We realized that discipline had to change, so....
We adopted the principles of behavior modification. We learned to reinforce desirable behaviors with praise and rewards. Undesirable behaviors were to be reduced or eliminated through the use of negative consequences, usually scolding or the removal of privileges. Consistency was considered a key factor in determining the success or failure of our efforts.
Then we became concerned that we were conditioning our children like we were conditioning our dogs. We felt that behavior modification was cold and impersonal. We realized that discipline had to change, so...
...we moved toward today’s popular discipline.
In the 80’s and 90’s, freedom of choice became the major social issue and constant demands were made for greater personal rights and freedoms. Child advocates argued that children should have many of the same rights and should be allowed to make more of their own choices. Supposedly, this extra freedom would prepare children for life in the modern, rapidly-changing world.
Proponents were convinced that children would learn to be responsible by experiencing the consequences of their choices. The role of adults would be to encourage good choices and discourage poor ones using the rewards and consequences they had learned for behavior modification.
This new system was referred to as “behavior management”. It is the system that almost every parent and teacher uses today. Open any of today’s books on discipline and you will likely be reading about these techniques.
Come Again?
Don’t worry if you find these last two stages a bit confusing. Many people do. So, before going on, let’s clarify the difference between the old system, called behavior modification, and the new one, called behavior management. With behavior modification, adults told children what to do and rewarded them for complying with the instructions. With behavior management, children are given the freedom to make their own choices and are rewarded for making good ones. Just remember the word “choices” and you will have the central theme of today’s popular discipline.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, we forgot to limit children to the choices that are theirs to make.
Children, granted the freedom to make their own choices, are far too liable to choose irresponsible and antisocial behavior. Many parents and teachers are now worried about the breakdown in respect for authority. They are concerned about increasing disruption in school classrooms and about the lack of safety in our schools and communities.
As you read the “Secrets of Discipline” you will understand how discipline has allowed these problems to develop. You will see that today’s discipline fails to teach children the skills they need to become responsible, co-operative, and productive. It also promotes a value system that is opposite to what you want to see in your children.
Some Children are Bound to Struggle
You will also understand why this system of discipline fails certain children. Impulsive children, for instance, rarely benefit from behavior management. This is one of the reasons that children labelled ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) seem to be “coming out of the woodwork” these days. Children from dysfunctional and neglectful homes are also likely to struggle. The same is true for underachievers. For all these children, behavior management fails to teach them the skills and attitudes required for success in the modern world. Could it be time, once again, for discipline to change?
Choices, Choices, Everywhere
Today’s world is a ‘think-for-yourself’ world. Our children hear it all the time. “Think for yourself. Think for yourself.” Children are expected to make their own decisions and learn by experiencing the outcomes of their actions.
The Belief ...is that children will learn from their experiences and will grow up to be responsible, co-operative, and productive.
Most parents and teachers have adopted this approach. The result is that children have found themselves surrounded by choices. At home, many children are allowed to decide what to wear, how to do their hair, what to eat, and when to go to bed. Their bedrooms are often treated as private areas and neatness is often viewed as a personal concern.
The school environment is much the same. Children select their own activities. Line-ups are passé. Clothing is a personal statement and dress codes may be considered an infringement of individual rights. Students have even been given the freedom to decide on the quality of their work and the marks that they wish to earn.
Teachers readily adopted behavior management, not just because it was recommended by experts, but also because it fit well with other educational theories. During the 80’s, about the same time as behavior management came on the scene, educators embraced the “discovery approach” to learning. This approach was based on the premise that children learned concepts best if they discovered them on their own. Entire programs were redesigned to allow children to select their own activities. Techniques such as direct instruction and lecturing fell into disrepute. Educational goals emphasized the need to develop “independent, self-motivated, and self-directed learners”.
As a result, it was natural for teachers to adopt a similar approach to discipline. Behavior management is, in effect, the discovery approach to discipline.
But Wait!
Will this approach really teach children to be responsible? Should discipline be designed so that children will learn life’s important lessons from their own experiences? Consider this true story that formed the basis for a television documentary. Not only does it provide great insight, its ending is a real surprise.
Khaled had spent his life herding camels across the deserts of Saudi Arabia and Egypt. He had no formal education. His father had been a camel herder and his grandfather before him. Everything he needed to know had been passed down from generation to generation.
The camel drive was difficult. Even though the camels were stubborn and temperamental, they had to be kept moving. Otherwise, the herders would be attacked by bandits who lay in wait in the desert. Move too fast, however, and the camels would lose weight which would lower their value at the market in Cairo.
There were also large areas of shale which had to be crossed. The camels’ feet had to be protected with leather “shoes” or else they would go lame. Since lame camels would slow down the drive and make everyone an easy target for the bandits, they would have to be destroyed. That would upset the owners and the herders would lose their pay.
On the last night of the drive, everyone was sitting around a fire discussing the problems that had occurred on the journey. The commentator turned towards Khaled and said, “I want you to know that I’m really impressed with everything you’ve learned from experience.” Khaled leaned back and laughed. “We have an old saying,” he replied.
“It’s the unlucky
who learn from experience.
The lucky learn
from the experience of others.”
That’s right, and this is what discipline is all about. It isn’t supposed to be a system where adults allow children to learn from their own experience. Real discipline is the exact opposite. It’s a system that adults use to protect children from life’s painful experiences. We want children to learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others.
We already know that drugs are addictive.
We’ve seen the tragic results when people drink and drive.
We know the life-long impact of dropping out of school.
Our children shouldn’t have to learn these lessons for themselves. They should learn them from us. The discovery approach may be good for playtime, kindergarten, and computers. When it comes to raising children, however:
Discipline cannot be done by the discovery approach.
It’s time to get discipline back on track. We need real discipline in our homes, schools, and communities. We need discipline that teaches our children the skills, attitudes, and knowledge they so desperately need in order to live in the modern world. Behavior management will never do the job because it lacks two of the three critical components of real discipline.
The Building Blocks of Discipline
Real discipline has three parts and they work like building blocks. Each has an essential role to play in creating the structure that we call discipline.
One component, Train Compliance, focuses on training children to comply with rules, limits, and adult direction.
The second component, Teach Skills, focuses on teaching children the skills of being responsible and co-operative.
The third component, Manage Choices, deals with the management of choices, which is the part presently covered by behavior management.
The training and teaching components form the foundation for discipline.
Now that you know what the three parts of discipline are, it’s time to take a closer look at these three building blocks.
Train Compliance
First comes the “Training” part of discipline. In their early years, children are impulsive and self-centred. They want their needs met immediately and hate to be denied anything. Just think of them as having a natural form of “Centre of the Universe Syndrome”.
If these behaviors were allowed to continue, then children would experience all sorts of problems during their adult life. To avoid this, we have to teach them to obey adult direction, to respect authority, and to comply with rules and limits.
This part of discipline raises a lot of eyebrows. We live in a world which stresses individual rights and freedoms and people wonder if it is appropriate to teach obedience to children. Not only is it appropriate, it is essential.
Every one of us must be willing to comply with certain rules and limits, whether it be for driving cars or respecting another person’s property. This is the structure which allows people to live and work together in families and in communities. It allows everyone to feel safe and secure. Either people buy into this structure or they buy into chaos.
Teach Skills
The second building block of discipline involves the teaching of skills. The only way that children become responsible and cooperative is to learn the skills associated with these attributes.
They must learn how to resolve conflict, how to work and play with others, and how to set personal goals. They must learn how to organize tasks and manage time. They also have to learn the important skill of self-discipline so they will be ready for independence. After all, we won’t always be with them to govern their choices and decisions. They have to learn how to do it for themselves.
These skills aren’t learned by accident. No child masters the complex skill of responsibility merely by experiencing the outcomes of personal choices. Instead, these skills must be systematically taught using appropriate teaching techniques, including direct instruction, practice, correction, and review.
In addition, parents and teachers must require children to use these skills in their everyday interactions. This takes patience and determination. Skills develop over many years and continue to grow right through adulthood. Learning never stops.
Manage Choices
The third building block of discipline deals with choices. If children are to become responsible adults, they need to be given more freedom as they get older. This is where they make many of their own choices and learn from personal experience. Adults provide the guidance that children require so they learn how to take the rights and needs of others into account.
If you think this sounds a lot like today’s popular discipline, you’re right. The management of children’s choices is what “behavior management” is all about. It’s an essential part of discipline because it provides our children with opportunities to develop independence.
This is good news because it means that you don’t have to drop all your present strategies. Over the years, you have probably developed a good deal of expertise about behavior management and the use of rewards and consequences. You also know all about giving choices to children. Hang on to these skills. They are valuable.
All you need to do is improve your skills for the other two parts of discipline. You won’t find this difficult because you regularly use these skills in other facets of your life. You just didn’t realize that they apply to discipline as well.
The Missing Triplets
Today’s popular discipline does a good job when it comes to the management of children’s choices. Unfortunately, that’s all it does. (Hence the name “behavior management”.) The training and teaching parts of discipline are missing.
Where children require limits,
behavior management substitutes choices.
This lack of limits has an extraordinary impact on our children. The problems created by this system are the focus of the next few chapters.
Behavior management
also has no teaching component.
Children are expected to learn their skills from personal experience. Supposedly, they will learn to be responsible and co-operative just by experiencing the outcomes of their choices.
This is why so many children are struggling these days and why so many adults are frustrated with discipline. Behavior management doesn’t work because it gives children choices without laying the foundation. First, children need to be well-trained and well-taught. Then, they are capable of handling their choices with maturity and sensitivity.
Remember that children who are not well-trained and well-taught are often called “unmanageable”.
That’s right. If you don’t do the training and teaching parts of discipline, then the management part won’t work for you.
So when you think of discipline, think of all three parts. Train your children to comply with limits. Teach them the skills of being responsible and co-operative. Then, with this foundation in place, gradually increase their choices so that they learn to handle independence with responsibility and maturity.
Where Have All The Limits Gone?
Would you give children permission to fight? Would you allow them to be rude and inconsiderate? What about failing in school? Is that a choice they should be allowed to make? Well, if you think this could never happen, that no one would be so foolish ...
Think again!
Believe it or not, this is precisely what happens when you use today’s popular discipline.
That’s because behavior management substitutes choices for limits.
To understand how this happens, listen to the way people speak. When you learned behavior management, you learned the language of choices. You learned to speak in “If...then...” sentences. You hear them everywhere you go: in the supermarket, at school, in restaurants, and at shopping malls.
“If you don’t settle down, then we’re going home.”
“If you behave, you can have a cookie.”
“If you talk that way to me again, you’ll go to your room.”
“If you fight, you will go to the principal’s office.”
Let’s take a close look at this last statement. These days, people everywhere are trying to establish limits on violence. They want children to be less aggressive on school playgrounds, at home, and in the community. However, this rule will never do the job that people want it to do because it does not set a limit. It does not restrict fighting.
Remember that all “If...then...” statements are choices. What this rule actually says is,
“If you don’t mind going to the principal’s office, then fighting is one of the choices that you get to make at this school to solve your problems!”
If you don’t believe this, think about professional ice hockey. The rules state that if you fight, you will get a five-minute penalty. Now, do you believe that this rule means that fighting is not allowed in professional ice hockey? Obviously not!
What this rule really says is, “If you don’t mind taking a five-minute penalty, then fighting is one of the choices that you get to make to try to win the game.” It’s a choice and the players treat it that way. Here is the typical thinking pattern:
“Well, let me see. If I can sucker the other person into a five minute penalty as well, or if we’re far enough ahead or far enough behind that a couple of goals won’t matter, or if I can take out one of their best players, then fighting might be a good choice.”