Dear Agatha
Bad Advice From Paradise
By Agatha Callie
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2002 - 2009 Agatha Callie
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Prologue
Have you ever dreamed of getting away from it all and living carefree in a tropical island paradise? Many years ago I was a terrified single mother working in New York City. My baby had been coming to the office with me but my boss’s tolerance ebbed away after she threw up on the computer keyboard. I began reluctantly interviewing prospective nanny candidates. I asked one particularly unkempt candidate – she resembled Mrs. Bates from Hitchcock’s film Psycho - if she had children of her own. Her reply was that she used to. When I inquired further and learned that all five had all burned to death in a fire something in me snapped and I made my plans to leave. My wonderful friend Magdalena had first acquainted me with images from the beautiful Bali so I went for that tropical dream; strapped a pack on my back and boarded a plane for Bali, Indonesia with my seven month old daughter hugged tightly to my chest.
Over the years I’ve observed a few basic types that migrate to paradise and set up housekeeping. First you have the expats who have been “stationed” on the island as hotel general managers, chefs, diplomatic or embassy representatives, country managers for NGOs and the like. There is also a large contingent of castaways from the Hippy Trail of the ‘60’s and ‘70’s. Many of these started out as either rich kids travelling on their parents’ largesse or small-time smugglers traversing the eastern hemisphere. Then there are the types that cashed out back home and went for it, selling everything, quitting their jobs and buying a one way ticket. One of the largest groups is comprised of wounded souls running away from dysfunctional personal lives, whether a bad divorce or those who, for a myriad of reasons, are incapable of forming a romantic liaison in their home country. Finally, we have a claque of international fugitives hiding out or on the lam. It makes for an interesting social life.
You’ll find each of these demographics fondly represented in the following compilation of my advice columns originally published in the Bali Sun newspaper. Inspiration for my column struck in late 2002 over a cold Bintang beer at the Cricket Club. I got talking to one Mick Catoni, an Irish Italian Australian, about the ridiculous exploits of the local expat population in paradise. It was firmly concluded that they all stood to benefit from a dose of my sage “advice”. The column was instantly popular and even inspired a couple of censorship attempts by the outraged expat burghers of paradise. The editor had to put up with demands to hand over all the editions in circulation, knock back bribery attempts and field several indignant calls to stop publishing my column. Thanks editor John Kelly for resisting the pressure!
While I was putting this together I realized that this collection dimly reminded me of something long buried in my past. Since I’m a self-designated refugee from the Inquisition, I naturally thought of my favorite hysterical period, the Middle Ages. Then it hit me - we expats had all left our homelands in search of paradise only to end up playing, being played for or looking like fools. It’s just like that famous medieval book, Ship of Fools! Back then the story satirized a group of characters who board a ship bound for an earthly paradise. Well, this struck a chord with me and it’s clear I had been on that ship, albeit a Boeing 747, ending up in the best fool’s paradise one could wish for.
In fact this year is the 500th anniversary of its publication in Merry Olde England. The world’s first satirical bestseller, Ship of Fools was originally written by an Alsatian guy named Sebastian Brant. The book was such a huge hit that Alexander Barclay translated it into English. Not that this tiny tome can compare to such a great work, I just figured it was a good time to get out a light reminder of how little things have changed in the last half millennium.
As you’ll see from the letters, just like the Ship of Fools, this paradise is laden with all manner of emigrant fools, myself included. A particularly prize bunch of them wrote to me seeking counsel. I freely admit to administering mightily bad advice - that commonly being the only sort fools appreciate. I’m most proud of the balanced treatment accorded to every one, pains were taken to succor or affront evenly across the full spectrum of humanity. Likewise, all the seven deadly sins are on exhibit with most of the major follies evoked too.
A glossary is included at the back of the book if you need to look up any of the weird words, unfamiliar expat terms or international slang.
I thank Jacques Collot and the public domain for the great etchings of the seven deadly sins and the very talented Albrecht Durer for the cool pix of the ship of fools and Wheel of Fortune, thanks guys!
Have a good laugh and think twice about
h
opping
that ship to paradise!
Ship
of Fools fully laden and headed for Paradise!
That’s me guzzling the wine!
“They may receive their learning costless and free
Their walls even right next to the schools’
Nothing can they and nothing will they learn nor see,
Therefore shall they guide our ship of fools.”
Paraphrased from Alexander Barclay AD 1509
Bad Advice
From
Paradise
Meet Agatha, intrepid survivor of various inquisitions, burnings at the stake, dunkings and drownings. Now in friendlier territory, namely Indonesia, Agatha feels her inner hag at home and empowered. She is ready to answer the unanswerable, to hear your howls or just be a bitch. She’ll guide your way through the hell-pits of life when being “positive” just doesn’t cut it. Read on….p.s: Agatha promises to answer any questions she feels like in this column. Sorry if she doesn’t feel like it.
December 1, 2002
Dear Agatha,
I’m a 30-something male working in a large organization. The company has an utterly old-fashioned autocratic management style that most of us are not happy with. The bosses hand down decisions based on fantasy budgets that radically affect how we can do our job. Then they rake us over the coals when productivity and quality drops. They never accept our opinions on any decisions. We finally banded together to take action and overturn one of their recent incredibly bad edicts and this brings me to my problem that I really need your advice on. I’m having an affair with a much older female co-worker. She comes from the “activist” generation and she’s really into free love, peace, social justice and all that stuff. She gets along great with her ex, in fact too great if you ask me. She was really supportive of our cause at first, but then she talked it over with her ex and completely turned around! She even told the management what was afoot. I confronted her and she said I should just be positive and everything would work out. Should I take her advice or keep trying to change things?
Signed, Confused and hurt, Kurt
Dear Oedipus,
Oops,
I mean Kurt, how the hell did you ever get involved with a hippycrit in a granny dress??? You’d better grow up boy and take a look at all the gorgeous, guru-less chicks around here. As for taking her advice, yeah if you look at history it’s pretty obvious that social justice and lasting change are brought about by sitting in the lotus posture with your eyes shut thinking beautiful thoughts about your oppressor with a sappy grin on your face – just look at India! Any more trips with Sunshine Starflower to that tantric ashram and you’re gonna need a soul transfusion. Now get back in there and fight for your rights. Love, Agatha
December 8, 2002
Dear Agatha,
Why are all the rivers and canals used as garbage dumps?
Signed, Plugged Up in Paradise
Dear Plugged,
You’ve touched on an age-old syndrome that goes back to the original hostile takeover of our planet. We humans didn’t used to be cut off from our “lower halves”, our earth and water natures. At some point in history we looked to the sky for our definition of the pure and holy. Everything left on the planet gradually took on the stigma of being dirty and low, to be used and exploited. To answer your question we must compare the outer with the inner. Waterways correspond and are symbolic of the flow of emotional energy (the water). For the last 3,000 years or so, society has increasingly judged that emotional energy is something to be at the least tightly controlled, ideally to be got rid of completely. Emotional energy is messy, unpredictable, irrational, it’s garbage, baggage, etc. As long as people don’t accept and allow their own feelings, especially “gut feelings” of all kinds, the waterways are going to continue to clogged, stagnant, putrid and full of crap….sound like anyone you know?
Love, Agatha
Dear Agatha,
I have a black magic question for you. Isn’t it true that if you don’t believe in it, it has no effect?
Signed, The Ostrich
Dear Ostrich,
It’s kind of like your namesake, with his head underground he really doesn’t believe that he’s about to be swallowed by a lion. But the lion has no doubts as to the easy target he’s about to gobble up! If you go around paranoid all the time about black magic, yeah, you make it stronger and more likely to be attracted to you, yet at the same time pretending it doesn’t exist leaves you wide open also. There’s a balance point in the middle where real protective power flows from, find it and you’re untouchable. Good luck, Love Agatha
December 16, 2002
Dear Agatha,
I’ve been visiting a dear friend of mine who I’ve known for 25 years. We have always been extremely close and tell each other everything. Both of us have never been afraid to be totally honest and this has been the strength of our friendship. I’m writing to you because my friend has changed in a way that I feel is dangerous. We went to high school together and were both good students. My friend was always compassionate and caring and her dream was to become a doctor. After high school she took a course to become a mid-wife. Her plans to become a doctor were put on hold because she fell in love and got married. This is all very typical, I know. The problem is my friend has now styled herself as more of a medical practitioner than she really is and even though I know she has the best intentions, I feel she may endanger someone’s life. Should I tell her that what she is doing is wrong?
Signed, Ethical Ethel
Dear Ethical,
You’re darn right you should tell her! Look, we’ve all played doctor when we were kiddies, but most of us got over it by age 10. Your story illustrates perfectly one of the most charming (not) phenomena unique to expat communities around the world. Anybody with a thimbleful of knowledge, smooth-talking demeanor and no ethics can easily con the community into believing they’re a “professional”. And let’s not forget the wonderful creative abilities of the print shops around town. You could have a great side business reproducing Harvard Medical School degrees. There are no regulatory agencies here, background checks are extremely difficult and we all know how the justice system works. So, if you want to start a new life and fulfill your delusions of grandeur without having to bother with that time-consuming thing called education, move overseas! And another thing, with the burgeoning social taboo on healthy criticism or even questioning anything too closely, the chances of these cons getting away with it are better than ever. Next time the bully-boy “positive” people try to quash your ethical inquiries, stand your ground!
December 23, 2002
Dear Agatha,
I’ve just come back from a visit with my relatives in the U.S. They are fundamentalist Christians and wouldn’t let my kids visit Santa Claus in the mall while I was on a business trip. They told my kids that Santa is evil and was created by Satanists. I’m still in shock over this and my kids, aged 6 and 9 are devastated. We cut our trip short as I didn’t see how we could possibly have a Merry Christmas under their roof. Where on earth did they get these crazy ideas?
Signed, UnMerry Mary
Dear UnMerry,
Poor old Santa a creation of Satanists?!? Now I have heard everything. I certainly hope you’re going to cross them off your list – wait – even better, send them a Christmas gift of Santa coffee mugs, socks, bath towels and underwear – all wrapped in Santa wrapping paper with a great big Santa bow! To answer your question, fundamentalists consider Santa an evil creation because he represents a vestige of the pre-Christian “Old Religion” in Europe. When Christianity moved into Europe, many of the original “pagan” festival days and traditions were absorbed into the new religion as eliminating them would not have been acceptable to the people. As the Christian church gained influence and power, the old traditions were systematically condemned and deemed to be emanations of Satan. Somehow the traditions of Santa and the tree survived but are technically not related to Christianity at all. Modern fundamentalists believe these traditions to be a threat to the purity of their beliefs and therefore evil. It is amazing that these old beliefs have remained intact through hundreds of years of Christianizing….maybe there’s something more deeply rooted than the tallest Christmas tree. Give your kids a big hug, put out the milk and cookies for Santa, and have yourself the best Christmas ever. Love, Agatha
December 30, 2002
Dear Agatha,
I desperately need your advice on my relationship. I've fallen madly in love with a man after spending several years on my own. He says he loves me too and wants to marry me. At this time he is separated from his wife and he says they are going to divorce. I have a terror of his wife and am frightened that she may want to take revenge. She sent me a letter saying that she could accept me and she hoped I could accept her. Then I had this really weird dream where I saw her sewing madly and violently on a sewing machine! My man claims she just wants to be my friend, but I feel an ominous sense of foreboding. Also, her sister is a practitioner of witchcraft and I have to admit I have found strange little charm-like things around the house. I've also noticed that my man behaves strangely sometimes and will not hear a single word against her. Why does he defend her so strongly? I feel like he wants to protect her more than me! You're probably going to say I should dump him, but I just can't.....Signed, Lovesick Lorna
Dear Lovesick,
Why do we women get into these hopeless situations, he must be really ringing your bells, dahl.....First up, the dream - this means that she is working overtime to bind him to her and "stitch him up". She is definitely angry and out for revenge. The classic technique of offering "friendship" is the oldest trick in the book and the best way to really get at one's enemy. Better bone up on psychic defense techniques too, as my tiny informants tell me she is going to the sister for spells and charms. This is precisely why he defends her so strongly; she's gone to the sister for help on this. It's pretty easy for even a novice practitioner to hook into his innate guilt and work away. Rosemary is a wonderful herb for you to use against those nasty spells. Make small sachets for your purse, pockets and pillows. If you can't give him up, get ready for a long battle of the wills...love will eventually win out. Love, Agatha
January 5, 2003
Dear Agatha,
What's the best way to tell if my boyfriend is cheating on me? I'm suspicious because he suddenly is kissing me differently and has a new range of techniques in the boudoir. Also he's swinging back and forth between being overly nice to me and irrationally irritable. We're supposedly in a monogamous relationship and I've been absolutely faithful to him, even though we're often apart as I must travel for business. Do you know any quick and easy divining methods to get to the truth? Thanks, signed Suspiciously Yours
Dear
Sus,
Time to wake up and smell the terazi (fermented rotten shrimp paste)! Sounds like your boyfriend is treading the perfumed path of the cheating heart. Unless he's been studying the Kama Sutra I'd say he's getting private lessons on the side. The mood swings are part of the guilt reaction and are actually a good sign - it means he may have just enough moral fiber to feel guilty. Before getting into the various divining methods try this: Have a rational and subtle talk with him; tell him clearly your problems, how you FEEL about him and your relationship, what you suspect and your reasons for suspecting. If he is defensive and unable to co-operate, don't keep pushing.
This is where you go to plan B: Be cool. DO NOT lose it! Don't give him any attention. Get yourself a normal deck of cards, think about your question as you shuffle the deck. Deal out no more than thirteen cards, stopping when you come to an ace. Repeat, forming three piles from left to right. This works best with yes or no questions. If all three piles end up with an ace, your answer is a definite yes. If only two it's a "possibly", if only one "probably not" and if no aces appear it's a definite no. Resist the temptation to ask the same question over and over. Be ready to face the truth. If you definitely find out he's cheating, what is your plan? Dump him, torture him with guilt, forgive and forget or have a little side action yourself? Think about this first and get clear. Happy divining.....Love Agatha
January 13, 2003
Dear Agatha,
What is the best way to function in a world full of manipulating, unscrupulous, self-interested people without sinking to their level or ending up a perpetual loser?
Signed Machiavellian Moron
Dear M.M.,
What!? You mean you don't want to lie, cheat and steal your way to success? Not even a teeny bit of self-interested manipulation? Where did you come from, a galaxy far far away? You poor thing, what sort of parents would bring up someone so pathetically handicapped! Have you tried H.A.? That's Honesty Anonymous, a 12-step program specifically designed to help those with your sort of truth-telling compulsions. Why do you think of it as sinking to their level, aren't most of these individuals actually more successful than you?
Just look around at the leading figures of society, the ones who have the power; who make the decisions that lead the innocent, mendaciously-challenged flock through the rolling green pastures of life. How on earth do they get away with say, embezzlement and then go on to hold positions as treasurers? I know it beggars belief, but these people have a distinct advantage over the likes of you, M.M., they wouldn't dream of speaking the truth at anytime, ever! Why that would bring the whole house of cards they've so carefully constructed to ruination. You really must study up on: 1) Usurping the ideas of truly creative people, 2) Taking over situations already established by some dim-witted do-gooder, 3) Important! Don't forget to discredit the creatives and do-gooders and any honest interlopers who might pop up to blow the scam. Spreading malicious gossip works really well for this, especially focus on casting as many aspersions as possible on their character while authoritatively posturing to inflate your own status.
Well, M.M., that’s Machiavellian Manipulation 101. Don't worry about your Karma, at least you'll be rich and successful in this life. So what if you come back as a mangy street dog, you won't remember that you were ever anything but! Let me know when you get your first chairmanship, Love Agatha
January 20, 2003
Dear Agatha,
My wife insisted I write to you, personally I think you’re a bitter old woman who is obviously not getting enough nookie. In the interest of domestic harmony I have to ask your advice on a situation between my wife and my mother. They can’t stand each other. My mother is coming to visit and my wife is refusing to have her in the house. She is proposing that Mum stay in a cheap hotel down the road from us. This seems to me to be an unjustified expense as well as being an insult to my mother. Mum is always helpful when she visits. She cooks beautifully and is a paragon of domestic talent, what could be wrong with that? My wife doesn’t seem to appreciate her help. She gets emotional, irrational and just plain unpleasant. Mum only tries to show her how to be more efficient and ultimately less stressed. I would appreciate your advice on how to get my wife to see reason. Signed, A. Stepford
Dear Stepford,
I assure you that I am not suffering from lack of “nookie”. That said, if I had been confused enough to marry the likes of you and Mummy I fear I would prove infinitely more dangerous than your “unpleasant” wife. You’re knocking on the wrong door, Stepford. Your wife is right. It is her home, you married her. She does not need domestic efficiency lessons from Mummy in any way, shape, manner or form. Cough up for the cheap hotel and start showing some respect for the woman you live with now. By the way, I know a great specialist who treats malignant umbilical cord disorders. I’d also like to refer you to a good tailor for some apron string work. Love Agatha
January 27, 2003
Dear Agatha,
Could you please explain the relationship between paranormal ability and spirituality? For instance, my grandfather was a dowser and very famous for his skill with dowsing rods, those bent metal things or sometimes a forked twig. Yet he was the meanest cuss you’d ever want to know. He used to beat my father regularly. He could tell tall tales and lie with the best of them. He also cheated his own brother in a land deal. The reason I’m asking is that I see many people automatically assuming that extra-sensory skills are a sign of someone being “holy” or something. What’s your take on this, Agatha? Signed Holier than Thou
Dear Holier,
Your issue is one my favorite things to rant about!! Just because someone has a more sensitive nose and can detect the smell of B.S. from 500 meters, does that make them the next Messiah or guru with the red hotline to heaven? E.S.P. is exactly like it says, extra sensory perception. This is a skill and can be achieved by just about anyone. These skills are not something bestowed upon only the holy. Hitler was quite the esotericist (or was it esoterrorist?), and needless to say he doesn’t really qualify for spiritual leader of anyone or anything. There are plenty of other unbalanced individuals out there conning the innocent with their demonstrations of what is actually no more mysterious than having great taste buds, superior hearing or fantastic night vision. So if you see someone trying to parlay their psychic gymnastics into spiritual leadership look at them with a jaundiced eye, knock back their exhortations to “be positive” and do your own reading on their character. Love Agatha
February 3, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I’ve recently given birth to my second child and have naturally been quite preoccupied with the new baby. My husband has been very busy with work; we hardly have any time together anymore. I’ve tried to make as much time as I can for him, but I think he’s been feeling a bit neglected. The baby wakes up every two hours in the middle of the night; I’m breastfeeding so I pretty much do all the night duty. Frankly I’m too exhausted most of the time to feel very romantic. The other night I fell asleep while nursing the baby, woke up around 10p.m. and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I heard soft voices and froze, peeking around the corner. There was my husband rubbing the shoulders of my housemaid, she was crooning and looking like she was in ecstasy! My heart was pounding a million times a minute. I then forged on into the kitchen. My housemaid jumped in the air and started chattering nervously. My maid is rather plain and not at all sexy. I calmly asked my husband why he was rubbing her shoulders and he laughed it off, calling me a paranoid post-partum. Since then I haven’t been able to sleep thinking of what may be happening while I do. Am I being paranoid? Signed Melancholy Mama
Dear Mel,
Time to get hubby on the right night shift – the one with his child! He should be taking turns with you getting up and bringing you the baby either every other night or every other time the baby wakes up. Getting him closer and more involved with the baby will bring him closer to you and give you some much needed relief. You’re not paranoid but you’re making it too easy for him, taking it all on yourself. Keep a close eye on the maid and remember what snagging your husband could mean to her! Men fall for the sweet innocent “inexperienced” act like coconuts in a typhoon. She’s obviously ready to step into your shoes at the first opportunity. Wise up and save your family. Love Agatha
February 10, 2003
Dear Agatha,
Is it possible to steal someone’s energy? I’m asking because whenever I hang out with this one particular friend, I always end up feeling drained. Now something even worse has happened. I recently confided in her about a great idea for a hot new product. She said she would love to help me get it off the ground, seemingly extremely supportive and happy for me. We agreed to work together on the project. Three days later while we were at a dinner party I overheard her telling a potential client of mine about HER idea for a great new product that I would be HELPING HER with! She also does weird things like copying my clothing and make-up style, even the colors I wear. Before I was flattered by her imitation, but now I’m freaking out. What should I do? Signed Baffled in Bali
Dear Baf,
Run for the nearest string of garlic, vial of holy water, wooden stake or crucifix. You got yourself a bonafide energy sucker latched onto your life-force. The myth of vampires is an allegory describing creatures like your “friend”. As in the myth where the vampire can’t get you unless you somehow give them permission to enter the house, you need to immediately stop opening up your energy to this person. No more confiding in her about anything. She’ll never admit to copying you or stealing your ideas, so don’t bother to confront her directly. These types always manage to turn things around – she’ll make it look like you have insanely done her a grievous wrong when she, the poor innocent, was only trying to help. Speak to the client directly to clear up the misunderstanding. Get going on that project! Love Agatha
February 24, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I was recently at a fundraiser where I met a guy who made an impassioned and very convincing pitch for a project he set up to benefit local children. Something just didn’t feel right, though, and I asked around a bit about the guy. It seems that he had a bit of trouble with the law in his home country. Until very recently he was basically living overseas on the sniff of an oily rag, borrowing money off people and running up bills all over town, etc. Another friend I talked to had been cheated out of his commission on a real estate deal with the same guy a couple of years ago. You wouldn’t believe it though if you saw how apparently sincere the guy seemed with his ingratiating gestures, puppy-dog eyes and array of heart-wrenching photos of the local kids. He did manage to rack up quite a fair chunk of change in donations that evening. Do you think the guy’s for real? Does anyone ever check to see if the money actually gets to the intended recipients? Please advise, Signed Doubtful Donor
Dear Doubtful,
This guy has obviously been paying close attention to current events and local economic theory. Charity absolutely begins at home, especially when it comes to receiving it! For those enamored of the lucrative thrill induced by spending other people’s money starting a foundation provides the maximum rush. Access to piles of tax-free cash, respect in the community, awards, your picture in the paper…ooooh…how utterly irresistible! Plus no-one would dare to criticize or look too closely at the self-less and noble effort being made, the sheer magnanamousity of the gesture. That guy is as for real as the Rolex I got yesterday on the beach. Short of yourself, I can guarantee there won’t be anyone checking up on the intended recipients anytime soon. Love Agatha
March 3, 2003
Dear Agatha,
The supernatural and mystical has never interested me in the slightest. I’m a practical person, concerned with just making a living while learning and having interesting experiences. I’m on a contract job as a production manager. The salary and lifestyle suit me fine. I’m a single female living in my own place in a compound with other houses. I’ve been living there about two months. I’ve noticed the landlord’s son-in-law seems to be keen on me as he is always finding excuses to come and talk to me. I once thought I saw him peeping at me through the window while I was dressing, but it could have been my imagination. One day I was having a rest in the heat of midday on the weekend. I wasn’t sleeping, just kind of drowsing. I heard someone in the doorway, turned to look and saw a young girl. I thought it was the cleaner coming to tidy up the bathroom, so I just turned over and tried to sleep. But I didn’t hear any cleaning sounds or anything coming from the bathroom, it was weird. Then I heard a loud hawking and spitting noise and got up to investigate. All my hair stood up on my neck as I looked into a completely empty bathroom! There is no other way in or out of the bathroom or my room. That evening I suddenly became ill with a burning fever and the worst chest cough I’ve ever had. I recovered rather quickly, and as soon as I did, the son-in-law became very ill and developed this bizarre patch of dark skin between his shoulder blades. He’s still not recovered from the cough. Any ideas on this?
Signed, Freaked-out in Paradise
Dear Freak,
I think you’ve actually got a pretty good idea of what this means - you’re just in denial of your own latent witchy power. You managed to send the love control spell boomeranging back on Romeo without even trying! Congratulations, you are one lucky chick and can expect much success in Paradise.
Love, Agatha
March 10, 2003
Dear Agatha,
My wife has become unbearable and I desperately need your advice. We moved here two years ago when I obtained a position with an international aid agency. My wife is from a country town and grew up rather poor in an isolated rural environment. She dropped out of school at 16, heading for the big city to become a model. We met at a charity dance for my aid agency. She was working as a greeter and handing out promotional materials. I was struck by her innocence and naivety and fell in love with her warm country spirit. That was five years ago. Since we’ve been here she’s evolved into a socially ambitious, status-conscious harridan. She’s hired four housemaids, two gardeners, two drivers and four security guards. I can’t bear to watch her barking at the staff when it’s just the two of us or conversely, when she has guests, speaking to them in absurd high-pitched dulcet tones. She orders the poor girls to brush her hair, paint her toenails, pick up her clothes from the floor; I’m surprised she hasn’t yet gotten them to wipe her rear! I find it ironic that she spends so much time working for various charities to help the local people when she treats them like slaves in private. How can I end this hypocritical behavior?
Signed, Married to Memsahib
D
ear
Married,
Sounds like your Memsahib has finally gotten to the place where she’s always wanted to be. Growing up poor, unsophisticated and under-educated has left her with a chip on her shoulder and a deep-seated inferiority complex. Ordering around an army of staff is giving her the ego-boost she so desperately craves with limited effort required. She’s always dreamed of living the millionaire lifestyle and was secretly disappointed when you didn’t show the ambition required to achieve this back home. The hypocrisy will end when she grows up enough to value herself for who she is rather than the things she owns or the number of staff she can order around.
Love, Agatha
March 17, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I’ve got the serious hots for a guy in my office. Every time we sit near each other I can just feel the electricity running between us in secret passionate waves. If I dare to look in his eyes it’s only for a second because my face turns bright red. I’m sure he feels the same way but there’s only one little problem – his boring middle-aged wife! One of the reasons I’m nuts for this guy is his loyalty to his family, I want to have that for myself. I’ve seen him fight off the attentions of the most nubile gorgeous office girls. I’ve never been one to hold back for the sake of superficial societal conventions and I feel we are destined for each other. I haven’t made a move yet because I thought I might try a bit of love magic on him. He can’t be happy with that wife of his; she’s a wrinkly, saggy milquetoast. I admit he is a few years older than me, but I can’t stand guys my own age anyway. Please Agatha, can you give me a sure-fire potion to fan the flames of our true love?
Signed, Passionflower
Dear Pash,
What I’d really like to give you is a one-way ticket to the maximum security Convent of the Sacred Heart of St. Frigidia! Back off Bimbo, this guy is taken. Obviously he cares for something deeper than his wife’s collagen levels. Broads like you always end up worse off than the wife you despise. Sorry Pash, there will never be enough cosmetic surgery to repair your complex, two-sided face. No amount of spa treatments will turn your black heart pink. The only person I might make up a love potion for you to snare would be everyone’s current darling old Georgie W. The two of you are made for each other.
Love, Agatha
March 24, 2003
Dear Agatha,
How can I get my guy to open up to me? He’s coming from a close-knit family but not without their share of problems. Both his parents were wild 60’s people who got caught up in the sex, drugs ‘n rock’n roll lifestyle. They got so far into it that even though they were good people they ended up neglecting him. He saw things in his early childhood that were not really appropriate for a child to see. Because his parents were messed up a lot of the time he never really learned about close communication. Most of the time he was pushed off on the maid. He ended up getting sent off to boarding school at an early age. That didn’t work out at all so then he was sent to live with relatives. He’s a really talented artist with deep emotions but he can’t seem to express himself except under some kind of influence like alcohol, etc. He says no-one understands him, including me, but how can anyone understand him if he won’t open up? I’ve tried everything and I think our relationship is going to end if we can’t get to the next level. Please help!
Signed, Shut-out Sheilah
Dear Sheils,
Well what on earth has this tortured soul got to offer you other than a future filled with high-maintenance angst? Wouldn’t you be better of with a happy, well-adjusted, communicative and loving partner? Wouldn’t we all! Unfortunately, they’re about as common as dewdrops in the desert. If you must be such a savioress then at least make sure you get something out of it, hopefully he’s rich or at least good in the sack. To get him to open up you’re going to have to work ceaselessly on assuring him that he can trust you – that you won’t abandon him, betray him, belittle him, berate him or anything else that might cause him to clam up! Love, Agatha
March 31, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I have a friend who has become immersed in all kinds of “spiritual” studies. She has given up smoking, drinking, sex, eating meat and “negative” thoughts. She sits in front of the mirror every morning and night doing her positive affirmations. She does yoga and meditation for three hours every day. My friend met a local guru who is advising her on this program and has promised to take her to this secret holy temple in the forest when she is “pure” enough. You would think she’d be a shining being of pure light by now, but in fact she looks ten years older! I have no idea why she started this - it all happened suddenly after she went to a workshop led by the guru. Before that she was happy, full of fun, a great mother and secure in every way. This has been going on for about six months. She’s increasingly ignoring her husband and two children. I can’t stand watching her ruin her life like this. What can I do to help her?
Signed, DisSpirited
Dear Diss,
Why you awful unenlightened creature trapped in your lower self! Can’t you see that your friend is on the path to Nirvana?! Remember the goal is to starve and deny out all those base passions, no matter how fun they used to be - including love and all the other messy emotions – hopefully then you’ll waste away into pure spirit. Then once you’ve done that you’ll be nearly as evolved as the guru and you can use other people’s passion to live off. Oh yeah, and maybe if you’re lucky next time you’ll come back as a man since if you were born a woman you’ll never make Nirvana in this lifetime anyway, there’s just too much impurity to get through. If you are determined to pull your friend off the stairway to heaven, all I can suggest is offering up as many worldly temptations to your friend as possible, try to trigger her memories of the joy of being alive on this planet. Remind her of the love and passion she had and how she used to look ten years younger! Love, Agatha
April 7, 2003
Dear Agatha,
Do some people actually will bad things to happen? This issue has really been bugging me because of the people I work with, especially the boss. He’s great at giving patronizing pep talks and supreme at delegating authority and responsibility. I’m really worried though because every decision he takes is sending the company further and further in the wrong direction. We’re losing clients every day. He recently made a series of drastic cost-cutting decisions that within two months turned out to be reactionary and totally unnecessary. By this time we had already lost clients because of the compromised quality of our product. Then this turned out to be just a further excuse for more cost-cutting. Yet I sat in a recent meeting and saw him approve a request for a large sum of money to repair the public road to our office. There was no discussion or request for other quotes! Some of the shareholders have expressed their concern, only to be condescendingly put off and told not to dwell on the past and keep moving forward. As I see it we keep moving forward this way and we’re going forward right down the gurgler. Is the boss trying to sink the company or something? Signed,
Bored by the Board
Dear Bored,
Make sure you’re not holding any stock options for your retirement or you’ll end up like Enron. Your boss probably suffered an abusive childhood of deprivation under a cold, bloodless mother and dictatorial father. Ever since then he’s spent his life trying to recreate this comforting, charmingly stunted scenario in every aspect of his existence. Since he never had enough, he’ll never get enough. He’ll re-live the deprivation but you can be sure he’s scammed his secret off-shore stash in advance. The road deal is probably a pal of his and he’s in for 50%. Cash in and get out now! Love, Agatha
April 21, 2003
Dear Agatha,
Something really weird happened to me recently and I need your expert advice. I was getting ready to cook dinner assisted by my household staff. I went to turn on the stove and the darned thing wouldn’t light no matter what I did. I got frustrated and took the burner apart. I then put it back together and tried to light it with a match. The burner blew up a mini-fireball and scared us half to death. Luckily no-one was hurt. I then figured that maybe the burner wasn’t sitting properly so I tried again to take it apart and put it back together. Well, it just would not go back into place! I was by now really starting to lose it, so I made a crack about maybe there being a ghost or something in the stove. I suggested that we just leave it for a while. My staff freaked out at the word “ghost”. One of the girls put her hand over the burner and said some kind of prayer. This is the weird part….it went back together instantly and easily and then worked completely normally! I know this place is a hotbed of superstition and all that, but personally I never buy into it. Does this sound like a bonafide paranormal event? If it is, should I be concerned? Your help on this would be most appreciated.
Signed, Haunted Housewife
Dear Haunted,
Somebody’s paying off a witch-doctor to make trouble in your house. It’s cheap as chips and your incident is one of their simpler specialties. It could just be a one-off, but if you have any more weird incidents sea salt sprinkled around the perimeter works fairly well for protection. Consider consulting with your own witch-doctor to return the bad intentions to the sender. You’re lucky to have the staff you do. They will also make sure nothing gets out of hand. Welcome to the world of paranormal pixies! Love, Agatha
April 28, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I had a dream the other night that keeps repeating in my head. I woke up in a cold sweat shaking after the dream’s finale. It started out with me dancing in a nightclub surrounded by gorgeous men. Then I walked outside alone and a snake slithered across my path. I started running and suddenly found myself holding an orange striped cat. The cat morphed into the snake from before and it sunk it’s fangs into my arm! I panicked and frantically asked everyone I could find if it was a poisonous snake. The snake was bright pink, orange and green patchwork. Everyone was trying to catch the snake but it got away. I thought for sure I was doomed, even though I didn’t seem to be dying in the dream. I woke up with my heart pounding and awash in a cold sweat. What does this mean Agatha? Signed Distressed Dreamer
Dear Distressed,
This dream is telling you that the old one-eyed trouser snake is not getting enough of a go in the fabled furry patch. Don’t fight it or worry about getting poisoned, just let it slide. We women have needs and if you don’t fulfill them sooner or later you start getting disturbing dreams like this one. Your Kundalini is crying out for freedom so let it rise honey. Make sure the snake doesn’t get away next time. Transform that cold sweat into a proper red-hot flush of passion! Love, Agatha
May 12, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I’m afraid an old friend is going troppo. We’ve both been living here a long time and I’ve watched as he gradually lost his grip on ethical reality. He has embraced some of the unsavory practices that are quite normal as well as deniably acceptable with-in the business and social environment of a country which is still struggling to get its head above the turgid, fetid sea of corruption, collusion and nepotism. This wouldn’t worry me too much if it were not for the involvement of his teenage son and the fact that my friend holds several positions of public responsibility in the local expat community. His son was recently involved in a serious car accident. He was driving a friend’s car without a license and was clearly at fault. My friend rushed to the scene and covered for his son by saying he was driving. Everything was cleared up with the police by “informal negotiations”, if you know what I mean. I have to admit that deception has sadly become a regular part of their lives. He’s spent years hiding his unexceptional background as he created a new, embellished identity for himself. His son has tried to rebel against the phony life and the fact that his father never had time for him in his single-minded drive for riches and social standing. The car accident was neither the first nor the last incident and I’m worried that they’re heading for a fall. I care about my friend and have overlooked his loose grip on the truth in favor of his charm and awesome ambition. Frankly, though I’m worried about guilt by association and feel I should think about distancing myself. There could be legal action and I don’t want to be seen to be involved. Signed, Just Judas?
Dear J.J.,
Distance yourself? Do they have any spare seats on the next shuttle or maybe you could join that fabulous Soyuz mission. Your friend is going down strangled by the proverbial tangled web glued to the great Karmic Wheel. He’s going to be clutching at anyone close to save him or at least have a bit of company while being crushed to crumbs. Leave him to his fate and work on your own damage control for ever having hung out with him. Love, Agatha
May 19, 2003
Dear Agatha,
Last week I returned 2 days early from an extended overseas business trip hoping to surprise my wife with a romantic weekend away in the hills. I sauntered up the driveway after paying the cab, full of happy expectation and thoughts of the naughty fun we would have later. The house was strangely silent and none of the maids came out to greet me. It was only early afternoon….but then I remembered the long holiday weekend and realized they must have gone home for a few days. I called to my wife but didn’t get a reply, instead I heard a clunking noise, grating and shuffling. I started to get worried that we were being robbed and rushed through the front door, bounding into our bedroom. There was my wife frantically trying to stuff our driver into the large chest at the foot of our bed! The bedclothes were in complete disarray and it was quite clear what they had been up to. I am not a man prone to violence; in fact I ran outside and burst into silent tears. My wife is quite a great deal younger than me (37 years) yet I had been certain that she was more than satisfied with our love life. I haven’t been able to think straight since this happened, Agatha. I admit that I occasionally have little flings with the many attractive young women I come in contact with through my work. Of course I have no romantic feelings for them; I just need to relieve stress sometimes. I truly love my wife and want our relationship to last forever. I don’t think I can accept her having lovers, though. How do I lay down the law and make sure there’s no more fooling around? Signed,
Cuckolded in Paradise
Dear Cucko,
Oh how your tender heart must be aching! Truly tragic the agonizing throes of true love betrayed. Pity you didn’t feel it when the other part was aching for “stress release” with your secretary! Face it, Cucko, life’s not a one-way street. Especially the lazily looping Lover’s Lane. You play, you pay. Hope all the property’s in your name.
Love, Agatha
M
ay
26, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I will soon be leaving this fair isle for greener rice fields. I want a chance to get something off my chest that’s been fermenting in the bottom of my heart a long, long time. I have struggled here for years trying to make a living. My every venture turned to nothing but a massive drain on my capital. I’ve had my ideas stolen before they were even off the drawing board, my character slandered, nearly continuous vicious undermining of my plans, appallingly blatant social envy and exclusion. I came here an extremely successful person both socially and economically. I have always believed in honesty, being open and sharing the joy of life. Here I have discerned that these qualities are not only devalued, they are treated with glamorously veiled derision. Never in my life have I seen a more impressive collection of big fish in a tinier pond. I’d just like to say that as far as I can tell, none of these local superstars would ever have made it in the real world, against real competition. They’ve got into the positions they have by way of there being no spotlights around casting the shadows of their true, puny stature. Obviously someone like me is a threat to their fantasy world and that’s why I could never make a go of it. Thanks for letting me rant, Agatha! Signed,
Big Fish from Big Pond
Dear Big, Whoa!
Such scintillating vitriol. While I do love a good slag, isn’t that just the teeniest wee drop of essence of sour grapes I detect? Sorry Biggie, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen (or is it that other really hot place with the red guy living in it?). You’ve made the right choice. Go back where you belong and leave the rest of us to enjoy our pond. There’s certainly no room at all in here for the likes of you! Love, Agatha
June 8, 2003
Dear Agatha,
What are your thoughts on cursing? I’m about to start a court case against someone who is much more rich and powerful than I am. Everyone says I don’t stand a chance and I could just end up with more problems because of it. It’s just so unfair, though. The other person has all these connections and has already paid off a bunch of people. But I am a completely innocent victim, have been seriously wronged and because of this I truly believe that justice must be done. I don’t have much in the way of financial resources, so I can’t afford an expensive lawyer or any of the other “special court fees” that might come up. I’ve never wanted to get involved with “magic”, if there is such a thing, yet it seems so hopeless that I have to try to do something. The situation is desperate for me as I am the sole supporter of my young family and I could lose the few assets I have if the other person wins. Please help! Signed, Pitiful Plaintiff
Dear Piti,
A pox on the dastardly delinquent! It’s the height of arrogant shirking shiftlessness. How reminiscent of the ancient feudal lords! The lament of history drones on despite the recurring rise of the masses, the sting of the guillotine, the trials and convictions. Some of these creatures just never learn. He’ll get his Piti; the problem is these things sometimes take too long to cycle through the cosmos. You can, however, give things a bantam boost - get that payback rolling, as it were. First, start seriously talking to the Lords of Karma, thank them sincerely for making sure that justice is swift and true. Concentrate on yourself as the joyous victor. Use all your senses to create the image of you winning this case. Speak the words into a mirror while burning a candle on the new moon. Keep your concentration going on a daily basis. Repeat the candle meditation with each phase of the moon. If this doesn’t work I know a great little doll-maker. Love, Agatha
June 16, 2003
Dear Agatha,
How can you tell if someone is a sex addict? I’m thinking of my friend’s husband. I know he loves his wife, but every time she goes out of town he heads out partying and ends up jumping on the first female to make eyes at him. He’s pretty good looking so there are plenty of opportunities, plus he’s in the kind of profession that brings him into contact with a bevy of potentially frustrated wives and mothers. I feel so sorry for my friend. She’s beautiful and sweet-natured and tries her very best to be a great wife and mother. It’s really embarrassing for her because he does indiscreet things like going around with love-bites on his neck when everyone knows she’s out of town. I’m not that sure if it’s true because he comes from a religious family and is always talking about family values. He is a really good dad for his kids too. In fact, he makes it plain that he doesn’t approve of teenagers having sex or drinking. I’d like to help my friend deal with this and give her some advice on how she might help her husband to heal his addiction, if you think he might have one. Signed,
Vacillating Voyeur
Dear V.V.,
You can stop wondering and start boning up on the latest twelve-step programs for terminal hypocrites and salacious sex-addicts. Your friend needs to stop enabling him and his addictive behavior, lay down the law and hire him a shrink. The secrets and lies make him feel powerful in the twisted bogus mode that only true Peter Pans can pull off. As for his championing of “family values” and condemnation of young people doing what he does: “hypocrite” comes from the ancient Greek word for actor and that’s just about it, a whole lot of histrionics hopefully distracting everyone from what he’s getting up to! Support your friend as much as you can, she’s going to need it to sit through the next act of his show. Love, Agatha
August 4, 2003
Dear Agatha,
I moved here to get away from the raucous noise of humanity and the constant demands on my psyche that the big city condemned me to. It all started out with me growing up in an isolated farm community where I restlessly bided my time until the day I could get to where the action was. When I finally made it off the farm and into the city two years ago, I had an unbelievable time! It seemed that everyone wanted a piece of me! But then last Halloween night I got dressed up like I was going to the Carnivale in Venice. I hopped from club to club; nobody could touch me I was so hot, I was a star. I ended up back at my neighborhood bar for a nightcap and noticed this sort of weird guy wearing a baseball cap with an "O" on it. Anyway one thing led to another and he bought me a couple of drinks then asked me if I wanted to come up to his place for further indulgences. (What I mean here is not the bedroom gymnastic kind of indulgence, O.K!) So I decided to go. We walked a few blocks to this imposing gothic building and went up to his luxurious apartment. We indulged. Suddenly I started to feel really dizzy; at the same time I noticed that all these other people had joined the scene. I started to freak out, announcing loudly that I was leaving immediately. They replied menacingly that it would be better if I stayed. Some kind of atavistic instinct took over in me because I picked up his crystal ashtray and aimed for the rare 17th century cello in front of the cabinet of precious ivory Netsuke carvings. I said I was leaving or he could kiss the Stradivarius goodbye. Everyone in the room froze in horror. They let me leave. I could hardly find my way out of the building, creepy shadows were everywhere. Finally I got to the street. I just had to give the cabbie my address because I had absolutely no idea where I was. Later I found out I was less than five blocks from home. My disorientation was total. Long story short Agatha; I feel like these shadowy things have followed me here. I keep thinking there’s someone behind me, I turn around and see something flit out of sight. I’m loosing my grip Agatha, what should I do? Signed, Plagued in Paradise