BILL IDELSON’S WRITING CLASS
By
Bill Idelson
TABLE OF CONTENTS
FORWORD
PREFACE
CLASS 1: Getting Your Head on Straight
CLASS 2: The Story
CLASS 3: Ramifications of the Story
CLASS 4: More Ramifications
CLASS 5: Dialogue
CLASS 6: Dialogue and Character
CLASS 7: The Scam
CLASS 8: Construction
CLASS 9: Starting the Script
CLASS 10: Notions
CLASS 11: The Step Outline
A Word About Censorship
Success Stories
APPENDIX A: Sample Step Outline: Get Smart
APPENDIX B: Sample Script: Get Smart: Viva Smart
APPENDIX C: Sample Script: The Andy Griffith Show: The Shoplifters
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PREFACE
You have enrolled in Bill Idelson’s writing class and are now seated in Bill and Seemah’s kitchen with other students at a pine table that once belonged to Humphrey Bogart and was bought at his estate auction in Beverly Hills.
You took the class because Bill’s students are reputed to get jobs in television and movies more consistently than those who have come from other classes in the country.
Bill is now ready to begin the first session, and you will experience his course from beginning to end, and the rest is up to you.
CLASS ONE
Getting Your Head on Straight
His success rate certainly says something. He doesn’t teach that many people and a lot of people seem to be working.
—Ellen Plummer, Co-Executive Producer, Friends
O.K. There are a lot of writers out there. Millions, billions, maybe tril…it staggers the imagination. Every semester, every college and university puts out a bunch of writers, and you can imagine how many upper level schools there are. Most of the students who want to make a career out of it come to Hollywood because that’s where it’s at. A lot of them wind up in the Hollywood Hills—you know, where the sign is. They live alone, or with a roommate, a girlfriend, boyfriend, in an apartment or rented room…and they’re writers. If you go to a party you’ll meet them. You ask them what they do and they’re writers. Of course, at the moment they’re working at Toys Are Us, Best Buy, Starbucks, etc., but they’re really writers. And they’re all working on a script that’s going to change their life. Usually it’s a big project, a screenplay, a play, or a book. Novels are popular because they take a long time, maybe years, and it gives them a long while to be writers. Ask them the next time you see them and ask them what’s happening, and they say casually, “Working on the novel.” Ask no more.
Now, you have this great horde, this army of writers…
(Bill spreads his hands over a wide expanse of the table.)
…and the sad thing is, ninety-nine percent of them will never make a nickel from writing. (Pause) Isn’t that sad? It’s sad.
Now…
(Bill puts the tips of his thumbs together and makes a tiny corral with his fingers.)
…down here there’s a small group of writers who write the TV shows and movies that we see. They’re the working writers. They can give the IRS an estimate of what they’ll make next year. Two hundred thousand, five hundred thousand, maybe a million—and they do it.
(Long pause)
Now, what’s your question? I’m sure you have a question.
There is another long pause. No one wants to appear foolish at this early stage. Finally someone gets up his courage. “What’s the difference between…?”
Exactly! Good question. Do you think the people down here are smarter than all the people out here? Someone else ventures a weak “No…”
I don’t either. It’s just that these people don’t know what these other people know. Now, what do they know? Another pause. A wise-guy or girl tries a joke: “They know somebody who works at Universal.” Gets a laugh.
Wrong. And I’ll tell you why. The mantra in Hollywood is: I gotta save my ass. Now, if you got a brother-in-law who works at the studios, and he gives you a job to write a script, and it turns out to bea dud, he’s just thrown away fifteen thousand of the company’s money and endangered his ass. Do you think he’s gonna jeopardize his two hundred thousand a year job to buy your script? Uh-uh. The same is true about screwing your way to the top. No one pays that much to get laid. I don’t say it never happens but the percentage is low.
No, the truth is, these guys down here know something the other guys don’t. What is it?
(Shrugging of shoulders, rolling of eyes. Maybe a few more attempts at an answer.)
Want me to tell you, and save stress on your brain?
“Yes! Tell us!” (For Christ sake!)
They know it’s a business.
(Silence, then derisive chuckles)
Bill smiles. Yeah, it doesn’t seem important, but it’s very important. Have any of you had a job in a retail business? Selling stuff in a store, for instance? (A couple hands go up.) What’s the first of rule of business?
Somebody says, kind of under their breath. “The customer is always right.” Somebody else says, “Give ‘em what they want.”
Right! Right! The customer is king, no? You’re in business. And if you’re in the writing business, what’s your script?
A pause. “Your product.”
Exactly! Your script is your product. And in order to sell your product, what must your product do?
“Satisfy the customer.”
Right! Now let’s stipulate right here, that people hate to pay money. Take out their wallet and pay you money. For anything… unless it satisfies their needs and desires. Now, say your product is a breakfast cereal. You make breakfast cereal. And you know how when you’re in a store, you go down the aisle and there’s boxes and boxes of breakfast cereal? What is going to make them pay for your cereal?
People shrug, mystified. Finally someone says:
“It tastes good? And…”
“Stop right there. It tastes good. Now, suppose you want to buy a refrigerator. You and your husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, go into an appliance store and look at refrigerators. The first one you see is set up as a demonstrator. It’s got food in it. But things don’t look good. The lettuce is wilting, the ice cream is leaking down the side. The salesman says. “The guy that made this refrigerator really fulfilled himself. He got his rocks off. He thinks this refrigerator says something. It sends a message.” What do you say to that?
A few mumbled answers.
Fuck ‘m. Right?
(Laughter)
Sure, the refrigerator has to keep your food cold. You won’t buy one that doesn’t. It must satisfy you. Makes no difference what the maker thinks. Do you understand that?
(Nods)
O.K. Now what must your product have to induce the customer to buy it?
Timidly: “It has to be cold and taste good?”
(Lots of laughs)
No, no. The cereal has to taste good. The refrigerator needs to keep your food cold. The script has to have its own thing to make you buy it. Got it?
“Oh. Yeah, I see.”
So what is it?
(Puzzlement)
“It has to be good?”
What does that mean?
“It has to be entertaining.”
What does that mean?
“It has to make you laugh.”
Uh-uh. Should I tell you?
“Yes, tell us!”
(Pause) It has to have a story.
(Pause, then incredulous giggles)
It almost seems too simple, doesn’t it? But it’s true. If you want to sell your product and make a lot of money, it’s got to have a story. The people in the