Dating and Mating
The Power of Attraction
Darren G. Burton
Published by Darren G. Burton at Smashwords
Copyright © 2010 Darren G. Burton
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Cover Design: Darren G. Burton
Reading the Body Language Signals
What’s Your Body Language Saying?
What exactly is flirting?
Flirting is a form of communication between the sexes that can be non-verbal (body language) or communicated orally. Flirting usually contains overtones of sexual promise and subsequent connotations. In essence, flirting is a very powerful art form, and one that can raise levels of interest and desire to the point of natural intoxication.
Dictionary Definition
Playful behaviour designed to arouse sexual interest
Sexual or romantic interest displayed without serious intent
Talk to or behave amorously
Behave carelessly or indifferently to a given situation or person
* Definition courtesy Webster Online Dictionary
Sexual Chemistry
Pheromones are a natural substance inherent in the human body that are excreted externally. These substances become airborne and have the ability to attract others, generating a social response. Biologists defined pheromones in 1959 as a substance that attracts and triggers a sexual response in animals of the same species. The same goes for the human race.
That elusive thing called sexual chemistry is often a result of one person’s pheromones being picked up on by a member of the opposite sex. And the other partner is also attracted to the pheromones of the first person.
Pheromones are a natural scent (although not offensive body odor). These smells are obviously transferred subtly through the air and sensed by the nose of another. We all have individual smells and pheromones. While our pheromones may attract one person, they will not necessarily attract another.
Sexual chemistry has the power to incite sexual interest, and therefore the desire to flirt with that person of interest.
Serious Interest, Or Just For Fun?
So if someone is flirting with you, does that mean they are genuinely interested in meeting and taking things further? Or are they just playing around for a little harmless fun?
This is an age-old dilemma for which there is no definitive or easy answer. The art of flirting has been around for as long as mankind has roamed this Earth. And no doubt flirting of every kind will be an integral part of human interaction for as long as humans inhabit the planet.
Flirting can be either form – serious or fun - while still adopting and displaying exactly the same actions.
I think we have all been guilty on occasion of flirting with someone that we were not interested in; either just for the hell of it, or just because we can. Maybe even an effort to get some attention. Or to incite interest that’s not reciprocated. Interest that lifts us up, makes us feel attractive, makes us feel good inside that someone is responding favorably to us. We all need to be liked, to be found attractive in some form by the opposite sex. It’s a natural part of life.
Of course, on the other side of the coin, someone may be flirting because they are genuinely keen on the person they are flirting with. If you are being flirted with, the only way to answer the question of whether the interest is real or not is to take things a step further. If the flirting is a sign of sincere interest, then the flirting party will respond favorably. If, however, the flirting is just a bit of fun, the flirt will soon back off once the ball is hit firmly back in their court.
Physical Attraction
Physical attraction is certainly one of the main catalysts to inspire one to either flirt, or be flirted with. Both men and women are attracted to good looks, or things they find appealing about the opposite sex, and a natural byproduct of that attraction is a desire to flirt.
Physical attraction can be defined by the following points:
Face
Body/Physique
Clothing
Mannerisms or Body Language
Personal Style
Scent
Pheromones
These all impact on how attractive we find a person to be, or someone finds us to be. But everyone is different, and what appeals to one person will not definitely translate into attraction for another.
Flirting, however, is not just confined to those which we find attractive. As mentioned in the previous topic, we have the inherent ability to be able to flirt with anyone and everyone.
Reason for this will include, but will not be limited to:
Harmless fun
Attention seeking
To gain an advantage
To seek favors
A desire to coerce someone into giving us something we want
To get our own way
Genuine attraction – sexual and romantic interest
Personality and Character
Although not among the very first things that attract one person to another, a person’s personality and, to a lesser extent, their character, can add to the overall attraction package of a person and thus lend itself to the desire to flirt or be flirted with.
A vibrant and infectious personality can also override a person’s lack of obvious physical attraction.
In this section we will very briefly glance at some of the more common examples of typical flirting. Some of these are performed by both men and women alike, while others will be predominantly either the male’s or female’s domain.
Typical Flirting Gestures
Casual glance
Short, darting glance
Sideways glance
Double take, second glance
Eye contact, gaze
Body scan
Looking at lips or body parts
Open smile
A coy smile
Laughter
Giggle
Wink
Head nod
Toss of the head or hair
Playing with the hair
Raised eyebrow
A solitary dance
Dance with acceptance gestures
Dance request
Parade oneself
Hang out close by
Pointing or granting permission to approach
Gesticulation
Lean closer
Neck presentation
Accentuated hip swaying
Pouting lips
Lip licking
Lipstick application
Caressing objects
Playing with accessories
Clothing adjustment
Skirt hike
Unbuttoning shirt
Trouser adjustment
Mirroring other person’s body language
Open body language
Arm flex
Puffing out of the chest
Strutting
Hand gestures
Open palm gestures
Preening
Whispered conversation
Suggestive conversation
Approach
Leg caress
Arm caress
Back caress
Torso caress
Face caress
Hair caress
Touching the knee
Stroke or brush of the thigh
Tap
Hand hold
Hug
Pat on the buttocks
Shoulder hug
Playful behaviour
Feet facing toward you
Face to face contact
Frontal body contact
Body contact laterally
Breast touch
Entering someone’s personal space
Kiss
Flirting Clusters
Just as with reading a person’s body language, in order to accurately decipher someone’s flirting gestures, it usually has to be read in clusters; meaning, more than one action that points to the same conclusion.
Some simple examples of clusters:
Eye contact accompanied by a smile
Eye contact accompanied by a wink and clothing adjustment
Suggestive conversation followed up with physical contact such as a thigh caress
Hanging close by and subtly moving in closer
An approach accompanied by open body language
This section will cover the art of flirting in the dating game. There will be a rather eclectic mix of tips, advice, flirting portrayal and what to look out for when it comes to flirting for men and women.
Practice Flirting
With anything in life it’s a good idea to not only study something or how to do something, but also to practice what you’ve learnt. The exact same goes for flirting.
Are you one of those people who naturally flirt a lot?
Are you good at flirting?
Or do your flirting tactics and technique leave a lot to be desired?
One of the most important points to remember when flirting is that you want it to appear as natural as possible; an integral part of your personal makeup. Flirting that is too contrived or looks forced comes across as being rather awkward and somewhat off-putting.
When out and about, have your friends observe your interaction with others. They can watch from a distance as you flirt with that girl or that guy, and let you know how you did.
Feedback from those observing and not directly involved in a scenario can be the most useful and accurate source of information to determine your strengths, and the areas that might need some improvement.
Never shy away from constructive criticism and genuine feedback. It’s essential for personal growth, improvement and learning.
Places To Flirt
Flirting can take place anywhere, and opportunities to flirt can happen at any time. Whether you are doing it for practice, or genuinely seeking to attract the opposite sex, always be on the lookout for opportunities to flirt.
Some examples of places you could flirt for fun or genuine interest might be:
In the workplace
College/University
Bars and clubs
Parties
Restaurants and cafes
The beach
Shopping and shopping centres
Sport or the gym
At home
A good place to practice your flirting technique without any intent of meeting someone is at shops and shopping centres. Try flirting with shop assistants working in the stores. Quite often they will use a flirting technique to entice you to make a purchase. Turn the game around on them. Gauge what sort of response you receive. Maybe you might even get yourself a discount.
Practice flirting can be quite harmless, so long as you don’t take it too far and lead anyone on or give the wrong impression. Never overdo it when just practicing. Keep it light and fun.
Bars and night clubs are venues where the more serious flirting takes place. Whether male or female, these are the hunting grounds of choice for a lot people. Many single girls and guys frequent bars and clubs, and while not everyone is on the hunt for a partner of some sort, the majority of singles would have in mind the possibility of meeting or hooking up with someone.
Colleges and universities. Do I really need to delve into how much flirting goes on in these places?
Parties are obviously another popular flirting zone. Once the alcohol flows, any inhibitions regarding flirtatious behaviour are generally forgotten.
Quite a few casual and serious relationships have evolved through people meeting in the workplace. Therefore, if your place of employment has a good mix of men and women it can be a great place to flirt.
Restaurants and cafes are good places for casual flirting; particularly with waiters and waitresses.
Playing sport or going to the gym can get the hormones pumping. Not to mention mingling with like-minded, fit and healthy people
Ah, the beach. Lots of scantily-clad bodies roaming the warm sands. What better and more relaxing place to flirt than this.
There are even opportunities in the home. Obviously if you are already in a relationship then you can flirt openly with your partner. If you are single and sharing with flatmates of the opposite sex, why not flirt with your flatmates, or friends of your flatmates that drop by?
Wherever you happen to be, there are almost always opportunities in which to flirt with a member of the opposite sex. Take advantage of them.
Pick Up Lines
I think we’ve all used some sort of pick up line at least once or twice in our lives. Some may be original and unique. A few may even be considered quite good or witty. Many, however, are just plain over-used, crass, crude, corny, or downright ridiculous. Some are just a laugh. Nothing wrong with a laugh, right. Everyone who approaches someone needs some sort of opening statement.
Let’s have a look at a few that have done the rounds, in no particular order of quality or usefulness:
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Hi. Are you legal?
I've got a condom with your name on it.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Bond. James Bond.
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
I have only three months to live.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cause every time I see you, you turn me on!
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.
Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Where have you been all my life?
Be unique and different, say yes.
Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
So, do you like fat guys with no money?
I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that you want me.
If I told you I was gay, would you let me touch you?
Let's get drunk and take advantage of each other.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
Is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get.
Hey baby, as long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.