© Copyright 2009 Karen Phillips. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.
Circular Journey
An Online Encounter
Karen Phillips
The format of this book is somewhat different in that it is a running conversation in e-mail and instant messaging format. Typos are to be expected in this form of communication since it is generally how a live online conversation unfolds.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The events taking place in the story come from the imagination and life experiences of the author. Events or situations as described in this book with reference to real locations, establishments, and actual living persons is coincidental.
~~~~~
Deck and Kate’s growing closeness is elusive yet addictive in many ways. They are emotionally drawn to each other; yet question a future together. Through an online correspondence, they examine aspects about one another that go beyond any face-to-face relationships. Do physical yearning get in the way of true understanding of each other’s thoughts and innermost feelings?
Today’s adults seeking love their second or third time around generally are not found sitting in smoky bars listening to music hoping the love of their life will appear. In this electronic age, relationships are being formed through online encounters. Today’s work world is electronic. People are at their computers forming new relationships by “chatting online” using instant messaging services, networking and using other emerging technologies.
The running online conversation of this book enables the reader to be voyeuristically drawn through Kate and Deck’s growing yet fragile relationship.
© KBD, May 2009
Prologue
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Urgent
Date: Thursday, 24 June 2003 8:44:57
From: Lloyd
To: Sunandsky
I'm not even sure this is your email address. It is about Deck. Can you call me? 201-454-9919.
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Urgent
Date: Thursday, 24 June 2003 9:15:07
From: Sunandsky
To: Lloyd
Hi Lloyd. Yep- it's still my email address. What's up? Kate
~~~~~~~~~
Then she realized that the email said, "Call me." She picked up the phone and carefully dialed Lloyd's number. The news that followed not only brought endless tears but an ache in her heart that would not cease. At that instant she was broken. How could she believe that the one she confided in, her closest friend, and the man whom she had loved daily for nearly two years, was dead? The car that hit him crushed him so badly that he could not be saved. He was an experienced cyclist, and a strong man. It seemed to her that he was physically invincible. But, as Lloyd told it, this was beyond his control. She could just imagine him sitting proudly on his new motorcycle - the one for which he had not yet made one payment. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she gasped for breath muffling her sobs.
She closed her office door to express her private grief. Her grief had to be silenced. Nobody at work could relate nor ever understand the value of this relationship. She had always felt that explaning to another, the depth of any relationship was difficult. This one had been truly unique—and complex.
Although she had told many of her friends and family about Deck, in turn Deck had shared stories about Kate only with Lloyd. Lloyd, Deck's trusted friend and companion was the only one he could tell. But not even Lloyd could fully comprehend her devastation.
Much of that evening she spent reading and rereading old email exchanges, looking at pictures, visualizing their moments together and laughing internally at funny things he had said or done. An incredible, enduring relationship had been built. Their deep conversations had created shared meaning and emotional closeness that made this one of life's greatest losses for her.
As the days passed, it was if he was there...willing her not to forget him...as if he was placing reminders in her daily living. She would notice a sign on a mailbox with his name, a motorcycle figurine in a store window, a stranger from the back resembling him, a leather jacket, his email address yet undeleted, his phone number still in her cell phone memory.
The strength he had given her sustained and strengthened her in many ways. Their souls had been intermingled in their brief journey together.
Profile
Screen name: Sunandsky
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian
Age: 48
Faith: Christian
Education: Graduate Degree
Height: 5’8”
Body type: Athletic/toned
Eye color: Hazel
Hair Color: Brown
Horoscope Sign: Pisces
Body Art: Piercing (only ears)
Best Feature: Eyes
Lifestyle: Exercise regularly, No smoking, healthy diet, and social drinker
Living situation: With my 2 kids
Pets: dog, cats, bird, fish
Looking for: Dating men between the ages of 43 and 55
Interests:
I like to go to new places and share new experiences. I bike, work in the yard, run the dog. I don't watch much television and prefer to be active.
Sense of Humor: Clever, witty, love to laugh but I can’t ever remember the punch line to jokes
Sports: Bicycling, running, racquetball
Favorite Things
The glow of a fireplace, a glass of brandy, soft music and deep conversation; the hot tub, gazing at the stars, and relaxing. Traveling with a companion to new places and actively exploring together, creating memories.
Last things you read:
Something light- Authors - Nora Roberts or Nicholas Sparks
Work related...Crucial Conversations
Describe what you are seeking:
I work hard professionally but enjoy playing as well. I prefer to be active as opposed to sitting still or watching television. I would like to share this time with someone. I wonder about what gifts we have been given to use for good in this world, and why people act the ways they do. I enjoy engaging in stimulating conversation about life, possibilities, and dreams. My kids are 17 and 12. My son lives with me every other week. My daughter lives with me all the time.
Profile
Screen name: Deckman
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian
Age: 53
Faith: Catholic by birth, non-denominational by choice
Education: HS
Height: 5’7”
Body type: Athletic for my age
Eye color: Blue
Hair Color: mostly grey where I still have hair
Horoscope Sign: Scorpio
Body Art: some
Living situation: mixed
Pets: cockatiel, and fish
Best Feature: chest
Looking for: More than a one-night stand—will accept clandestine relationship. Prefer red head 6 foot tall, age 40 – 50, no more children, should own a car and a home. Prefer athletic type but being skinny is not necessary; prefer someone who can appreciate music of various types. Tattoos and piercings are turn ons.
Lifestyle: Work regularly at keeping in shape [retaining strength], lift weights, eat well [by my definition], ride a motorcycle, appreciate nature and believe that God did not place us here to subjugate and control all living things and resources.
Interests: listening to music, motorcycle riding, weight lifting, dogs, tattoos, grand children.
Sense of Humor: I think so—others might have different opinions.
Sports: none—I do not understand the mentality of living life through others, nor can I categorize any sport figure as a hero, and I certainly would never feel that a ball game ticket and parking, soda, and hot dog are anywhere near worth $50.00.
Favorite Things: music and peace of mind.
Last things you read: Stuff magazine, books with insight to respecting nature and each other [Dalai Lama]—or H. Rider Haggard novels like King Solomon’s Mines.
Describe what you are seeking: What am I here for? Why do we treat each other the way we do? What is the purpose of this journey I am on? I am trying to find the joy there is in life—in being alive and being with someone exciting and intelligent. I have seen and had this –but have grown or moved away somehow—I need to find happiness. I need to help—not hurt—I need to find where I fit in.
Part 1 - Virtual Encounters
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 10:41:15 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
So ...I saw your profile online. This is sorta new to me...being online. How does it work? Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 10:22:11 PM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
Well, actually it werks just like you began. You peruse the profiles and choose if you want to converse. Have fun with it. Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 10:56:24 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
It is a little strange meeting people like this, but instant-- and better than sitting at home or wasting time hanging out in a bar thinking someone will walk in who will knock your sox off! How has online meeting worked for you? Met anybody interesting? Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:02:11 PM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
Full of questions, huh? Well, this site has not been bad, but I didn't really find what I was lookin for. I had actually come back to the site to close out my profile when I saw your message and thought I wud just send off a quick reply and that would be it. And I find you are sitting right by your computer. I read your profile...no photo. Why is that? Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:07:24 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
I was a little scared to post a photo in case someone from work saw it or something. I am a professional woman with children and can't risk jeopardizing my job/income. My kids are 12 and 17--how about you? And what were you looking for in the site that was not here. Seems like a nice array of women pictured here. Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:12:58 PM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
Well you can think of it this way...if someone from your work happens across your photo online, you gotta wonder what they are doin in this site themselves. Right? I have a daughter who is grown with 2 kids of her own.
What was I looking for? I guess someone to fill in the empty places in my life. Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:24: 01 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
Tell me about those empty places, Mister. What would fill the gaps? Where are you from? What do you do? Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:32:35 PM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
It's a long, long story. I am from Ohio. I work for the government but that's about all I can tell you…or you know...the rest! I would have to kill ya! LOL! Just kidding. Where do you live? Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:36: 09 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
A long story, huh? Well maybe we should schedule another time to talk about that. It is getting late and a girl has gotta have her beauty rest! I will need to turn in soon. I will say good night for now. I enjoyed the exchange! Next time, maybe you can tell me your name.
I am from a southern state. Not Ohio. ;-(
Good night. Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:37:35 PM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
Hey, do you have Instant Messaging? That wud be quicker than this!
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 11:47:35 PM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
Well, I guess you have put your computer to sleep. Gud night. Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 7:10:15 AM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
I see you were up just a little later than I was last night. I was eager to check the site this morning after I logged off to see if you have left any more messages. This online service is an interesting way to meet people! I am such a novice at this! No, I don't have instant messaging. My kids use it. Maybe they can teach me how. Have a wonderful day! Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 08:12:15 AM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
Well good morning to you Sun & Sky. If your kids teach you to use your IM, then you can IM me. Maybe tonight when I am at home, that wud werk. My IM ID is Deckerman. I hope you have a wonderful day too. Is Sun or Sky your name? Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 9:15:20
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
Hey- I just got into work. I had to run a few errands before I came in. This is way cool to be able to carry on an exchange like this! I will try to see if I can figure out the IM. If I can, I will send you a message. Would it be to DeckMan. What is your name? I assumed it was Deck-something? For now, you can call me Sky.
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 09:45:10 AM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
Dear Sky,
Well my name is Joe Decker but most people call me Deck. I will be online at home tonight. My screen name is DECKERMAN. I will watch for you. But tomorrow, I am out of the office on travel assignment and will not be near a computer so maybe we can chat tonight. Where do you werk? Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 10:45:20 AM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckman
Hey- Just got out of a staff meeting. I work two jobs actually. I counsel children and their parents as well as teach part time at the local college here. Later. I’m late. Gotta run. Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online Friends
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 2002 11:30:32 AM
From: Deckman
To: Sunandsky
A Professor, huh? Quite impressive! Well at least I made it to 4th grade! Looking forward to seeing you online tonite. If you want to direct email me, you can at Deck004@windway.com.
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Getting to know you
Date: Tues, 15 Oct 2002 04:01:16 PM
From: Sunsky <kfr@allnetway.net>
To: Decker, Joe <Deck0004@windway.com>
Well this is taking the new exchange to a bit higher level! Moving out of the online site into e-mail. I wanted to try the email you gave me to see if it worked. I have been in and out of sessions all day. Had a conference call about a project I am working on with a group and had to work through details. Then I had a call from one of my kids who needed something at school. I gotta leave now to go pick up my son after his football practice. Hope to see you later "virtually, anyway." Sky
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Getting to know you
Date: Tues, 15 Oct 2002 7:41:10 PM
From: Decker, Joe <Deck0004@windway.com>
To: Sunsky <kfr@allnetway.net>
Dear Professor –
Well you found me. Yes the email works. And thanks for letting me have the privilege of sharing your email address with you. I am attaching a photo that was taken at a werk Christmas party. Maybe you will find it interesting? Deck
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Tues, 15 Oct 2002 08:30:17 PM
From: Sunsky <kfr@allnetway.net>
To: Decker, Joe <Deck0004@windway.com>
OK - I got the IM working - I think - but I need to try it out. I need to put the kids in bed for a little privacy and it’s time for them to go to bed. I feel somewhat sneaky- I don’t know why! I’m a grown adult. Even separated and all - so why do I feel this way- plus a bit giddy!
Although the kids are 12 and 17, they still like to be tucked into bed. It is sorta "our time." I can ask them if there is anything they want to share...anything that happened today that they have been thinking about, etc. My daughter, however has a boyfriend who has to leave by 9:00. He routinely leaves at the appointed hour, but he has taken over much of the (my) tucking in responsibilities. I have mixed feelings about that! I do have a rule; that they must leave the door open to her room. My son just likes to have his back scratched and enjoy the quiet moments, so how about a 9:30 date on IM. Hope to see you then. Sky
P.S. Got the photo. Nice tie! And nice smile!
Subject: Online
Date: Tues, 15 Oct 2002 8:47:52 PM
From: Decker, Joe <Deck0004@windway.com>
To: Sunsky <kfr@allnetway.net>
OK- tuck in your children and just IM me. I will be online. I play some games online with some others so I will be there at the computer. Decker
Tuesday October 15 9:33 PM
SKY: Hello- are you there?
SKY: I am not sure at all how this works. Hellloooooo ;-)
DECKERMAN: Well it werks well. I can hear you fine!
SKY: Hey- there you are!
DECKERMAN: yep- in the virtual flesh!
SKY: This is way cool! So now we can talk in real time and have a more immediate conversation!
DECKERMAN: Yep and you seemed full of questions earlier. I am an open book.
SKY: OK- let me ask you some questions
DECKERMAN: I am all ears
SKY: You said you have a daughter. How long were you marrried?
DECKERMAN: Getting right to the heart of matters, huh? I have been married for more than 30 years.
SKY: Your profile says you are 53- true?
DECKERMAN: yes- but I feel much younger...and you are 48
SKY: Yes --and you work for the government? Civilian or military?
DECKERMAN: Civilian but with research and contracts
SKY: And you have a daughter...does she live in the same town as you do?
DECKERMAN: Within 20 minutes of my house actually. I have 2 houses...one here and one about 2 hours from here. I spend alot of time there too
SKY: Ok- let's cut to the chase...this is fun and all but what is it this is about? Why are you here? THis online thing is all new to me – I am just curious as to what people get from it. Why they are here.
SKY: and I am intrigued, to say the least that I could have a conversation in this way
SKY: but it's hard to really know a person until you meet them. You are several hundred miles away from me! Not a chance we would ever really meet...
DECKERMAN: You never know. As I told you, I was about to pull my profile down from the site when you emailed me. I have been on there for quite sometime. I have had an ununsual few years.
DECKERMAN: I thought maybe a new relationship would be something that would help me to find new life...
DECKERMAN: to understand myself better, and to attempt to heal some
SKY: Now this sounds deep and serious
DECKERMAN: It is not something you are ready to hear probably, and maybe not something we should discuss yet.
SKY: Secretive, huh?
DECKERMAN: It's not that I am so private
DECKERMAN: Or secretive as you say...
DECKERMAN: It's just quite involved.
SKY: So tell me what moves you...what stimulates you. What keeps you going and what gets you up in the morning?
DECKERMAN: I love motorcycles. I love music and I love my grandchildren. I love to escape to far away places…
SKY: Interesting...tell me more about the cycles. Do you have one?
DECKERMAN: Yes- my Big Ass Bike is awesome. I try to ride it every weekend that it is good weather. But I keep it at the other house. So I have to drive my truck there to get it.
DECKERMAN: I have some buddies there I meet up with. We do fund raising rides for a good cause – like Toys for Toddlers - and just ride for fun.
SKY: well that is good- for a good cause!
DECKERMAN: How bout u? What do you like to do?
SKY: Mainly I work and am a mother.
SKY: I have just started running in the past 2 years. MOstly for fitness. I am not fat, but struggle with my fitness and weight. So I try to be active
DECKERMAN: I forgot- I lift weights too!
SKY: I have thought about that...and my son has a weight set but I am not sure how much to lift or how to do it all exactly.
SKY: I also play racketball and sing in the choir at church...and do some volunteer work.
SKY: I can't believe it is already 10:15! I can chat for about another 30 minutes then I gotta go!
DECKERMAN: whatever you think
DECKERMAN: I just had another friend's window pop-up in IM.
SKY: Do you have to go?
DECKERMAN: no- I just need to see what she wants...
SKY: ok- I am here still and can wait a little while
DECKERMAN: She has been a good friend--I met her online too. She is ill. Needs some surgery and can't afford it. She is on some great pain! The diagnosis is not good.
SKY: What does she have?
DECKERMAN: Mainly terrible headaches...they are doing tests now and the results are not in.
SKY: Well if you need to go devote some time to her...
DECKERMAN: She is offline now--she was just telling me that she had the tests
DECKERMAN: and she will know in about a week.
SKY: So where were we?
DECKERMAN: I believe you were telling me about your fitness program and what you do...
SKY: Yep- we got done with that line of conversation…any other heavy topics before we call it a night?
DECKERMAN: This is strange actually
DECKERMAN: I enjoy talking with you and was ready to pull my profile...something drew me to your emails and now to these messages. I am not sure what.
SKY: Fate- I guess! We were destined to meet (at least online!) You never know about those things!
DECKERMAN: Absolutely! I have encountered many stories about things that have been predicted in my future or things that have happened and they just keep coming together...
SKY: I have an aunt who is psychic. She predicted a broken bone I had about 3 years ago. WHen I called her to tell her about it...she said to look back into a reading she had done for me and it was there...and geez- I did -- and it was!
DECKERMAN: Maybe she can tell my future!
SKY: Perhaps- I can ask her!
SKY: Look- I gotta go. But this was fun! Maybe tomorrow I will check and see if you are online after the kids are in bed...
DECKERMAN: ok
SKY: So sweet dreams. Sleep well!
DECKERMAN: U2!
Wed October 16 2:15 PM
DECKERMAN: Good afternoon Sky.
DECKERMAN: I didn't know you had IM at work
SKY: just downloaded it. I am on conf. call
DECKERMAN: ok - I will wait until you are don
SKY: I am here now
DECKERMAN: Hey
DECKERMAN: how long was your conf. call?
SKY: started at 1:30
SKY: just a minute
DECKERMAN: ok
SKY: ok- I had another phone call
SKY: THis is a disjointed conversation- sorry--and I know I am distracted...I am not sure if I can do this at work.
DECKERMAN: I have a question...I have 3 diff. names for you and none of them your real name.
SKY: I can try to be more honest and even tell you my name if you will reveal something personal about yourself as well!
DECKERMAN: HELLO... My name is Joe or Deck for short
SKY: Wait- I already knew that!
DECKERMAN: ok, what do you want to know that is personal?
SKY: When someone (mostly students) comes in (I have an open door policy) then I have to minimize my screen.
DECKERMAN: I understand
DECKERMAN: same here.
SKY: Let me start...I am rested today...maybe I can tell you more about my life and you will share too...I have been separated...Since June.
SKY: It was a growing apart after over 20 years of marriage. WE are still very amicable and I am refinancing the house into my name right now...
DECKERMAN: ok good, sounds like you have some control over the process
SKY: I have pets. My dog runs with me and gets all excited when I am putting on m y shoes!
DECKERMAN: hold on, on the phone
SKY: I have 2 cats, the dog, a cockatiel and fish. My daughter wants to be a vet...
SKY: so we have had many pets...rabbit, sugar glider...
SKY: I'll keep typing--I know you are on the phone but I could be busy soon, so I will maximize the time...
SKY: ok where was I? I already told you I work two jobs--private counseling and teaching. I counsel some nights
SKY: that's enough for now...
DECKERMAN: Sorry, had the comptroller came in
DECKERMAN: let me read up some so i can reply
DECKERMAN: ok, so you have a zoo with mostly common house pets. Cool. I have had a rabbit when i was 14.
DECKERMAN: Counseling, huh? Maybe I would be a gud subject for u!
SKY: you'll have to give me a little more to go on.
DECKERMAN: yes, but I am a little off the wall.
DECKERMAN: if I give you too much info you have me anaylized and will send me off!
DECKERMAN: I have taken one Psycology class mostly to see what made me tick.
DECKERMAN: R U still there?
SKY: I am in and out
SKY: I am proofing something...some writing
DECKERMAN: ok
SKY: when/where were you in school? Where did you grow up?
DECKERMAN: Gang-infested LA--
SKY: in LA?
DECKERMAN: Yes--gangs...there was them - and then there was the rest of us.
SKY: Hard core. I’m glad you made it out!
DECKERMAN: Due to a lot of moves- my mother moved a lot when I was a kid, LA, DC, Chicago.
SKY: Wow- My family just lived in 2 places. College towns where my dad was a university professor
DECKERMAN: Looks like you are following in his steps.
Sky: somewhat- a different field of study---
Sky: So tell me ...what is it you didn’t find in “Online Friends?” YOu have alluded to it...but I get the impression you are looking for more than a friend
DECKERMAN: possibly...and you?
Sky- I am not sure really...This is still too new. I have not really dated since my separation and frankly...it's a bit scary
SKY: in many ways...
SKY: I guess I would like to have someone to meet for a glass of wine after work or someone to hang out with from time to time
DECKERMAN: yes, i understand about that. It's not like it was 25 years ago.
DECKERMAN: well, if we get to a comfort level with each other we could meet for a glass of wine one day. Perhaps you would enjoy that. I am not a big drinker
SKY: it's good not to be a big drinker!
SKY: Not a pre-requisite for anything, I don't think!
SKY: I don’t usually socialize with the people I work with
SKY: I have a few neighbors that I hang out with and a girlfriend in the neighborhood...
SKY: tomorrow we are going out to eat I think...so it is nice to have that support network
SKY: and of course the kids...my son rotates back to me each week.
DECKERMAN: Well it is good to have friends U can count on
SKY: My best friends are my next-door neighbors - they are a gay couple; a little younger than I am
SKY: My family lives in GA- mostly...my brother on the coast and mom in the mountains...sister in FLorida...
DECKERMAN: My mom lives near me...I don't see her much. I have one step-brother.
SKY: Hey- I have a 3:30 meeting--gotta go...see ya tonight?
DECKERMAN: I will be online. Bye.
Sky signed off 2:52:14 PM
Wed October 16 9:42 PM
SKY: Hey
DECKERMAN: Good evening...did you get the kiddies all tucked in?
SKY: Yes- My sweet baby boy (his name is Max) wanted to talk about Granddaddy. That was my dad. He wanted to ask me some questions about when he was alive (he died in 1993).
DECKERMAN: What kinds of questions...
SKY: About where he is...was he in heaven--looking down? My stepmother sent Max a poem in the mail today that he liked...the "Footprints" poem and he knows that is one of Granddaddy's favorites...so it made him think about him. Actually he was only 3 or so when he died but there are photos and a strong memory…lots of things he has made in the house--a table we call Grandaddy's table ,etc.
DECKERMAN: he sounds quite intuitive for a 12 year old boy...you seem like a good mom to listen and to talk with him about these things.
SKY: I try. It is so important and so hard! I have a great deal of education about children but still...there is so much to know! They are each so different and so sensitive!
DECKERMAN: I know that! I love my grandson. He is so cool and idolizes me! I don't think my daughter is happy. She tells me some things about her marriage...and she knows I am not happy too.
SKY: And why pray tell is that?
DECKERMAN: it's a long story and I don't know if you really want to know.
SKY: Well it's best to put those things--little secrets—out; up front in any relationship. There is no physical contact. We don't know even what each other look like- well I saw the photo you sent me--it was a little fuzzy...
DECKERMAN: Look at the photo again. You will see the benefits of my doing reps and curls.
DECKERMAN: i am 53 years old--by chronological count
DECKERMAN: all my parts- function as good as or better than a 30 year old--really truely honestly--
SKY: LOL
SKY: So... I am all ears- ready for your long story.
DECKERMAN: Well...
DECKERMAN: You are right. There R no strings with you. There is no physical contact. Not even eye contact. Let me just explain a few things
DECKERMAN: before we go too far with this conversation
DECKERMAN: i think- that at best this is meant 4 U--only 2 b a learning exercise--and so--since i believe that--is your intention--u can be assured- that i will be straightforward with you and respond to your interests and questions
SKY: I'm not sure I get what you mean...but it sounds like you mean that I am learning how to be single and you are my practice?
DECKERMAN: somewhat, yes but--I need to tell you that I don't live alone.
SKY: Your daughter lives with you?
DECKERMAN: no
SKY: A roomate:
DECKERMAN: no
SKY: well tell me what you mean. You said you have two houses.
DECKERMAN: One house is an escape. I go there to be with my biker friends and just be off and alone. But
SKY: Yes...
DECKERMAN: I live here--where I am now-- with my wife.
SKY: huh!?
SKY: She is an invalid? In bed? Blind? How are you online when you are married? Tell me about that.
DECKERMAN: it's not easy but I do have a feeling about you and feel that you will understand. Let me just try to type it out...
DECKERMAN: I am seeking so much more than I have with her. I want to be up front with you.
DECKERMAN: I am still married. I spend time at the other house when I can, but I live with her during the week here.
SKY: You were online with a photo and you are married?
DECKERMAN: yes
SKY: And you don't think she will know? Wonder if someone recognizes you? What are you thinking?
DECKERMAN: Well she does not even know how to use computers. She would never know...and her friends-they don't either.
SKY: So why are you online? It sounds misleading to anyone you would meet
DECKERMAN: Wait...let me try to explain
SKY: I am listening
DECKERMAN: About two years ago, I had a life threatening thing happen to me...it changed my life. I won't go into detail but it made me realize that there is so much more to life. That life is precious and meant to be lived...that we are here for a purpose.
SKY: I believe that too
DECKERMAN: I have been married to her since we were kids--like 15. I have been a good provider and given her whatever she wants. She would do anything for me. But I really need more...and I am in hopes of finding that...
DECKERMAN: Do you want to talk on the phone?
SKY: no, keep talking here...
SKY: How could you talk with me on the phone if you have a wife in the house anyway?
DECKERMAN: She is in another part of the house
SKY: No- I don’t want to talk on the phone. Tell me more about this...I guess i feel a little disillusioned...but again- I am new at this. Maybe many of the people online are married. OR not easily trusted?
DECKERMAN: you know...there are many unanswered questions in this world and each person constructs their own reality.
SKY: It is 11:20 here. I need to go to bed...I have a breakfast meeting in the morning and more on my calendar...
DECKERMAN: Will we talk tomorrow??
SKY: Maybe I am a curious person (sometimes unfortunately). I am interested and intrigued but I have many questions. I want to pursue those things and discuss them more fully with you. I think you are right - this could be a learning experience for me.
SKY: And maybe that is what I need--a long distance--virtual experience--no strings...nothing else but conversation and maybe I can be helpful to you as you work through this life phase.
DECKERMAN: Thank-you. Thank-you for understanding and not just running away.
DECKERMAN: I will chat with you when I can tomorrow. Ask anything. I will try you be honest and answer anything you ask.
SKY: Good night.
Sky signed off 11:23:13 PM
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Thur, 17 Oct 2002 7:14:24 AM
From: Sunandsky
To: DECKERMAN
I just got back from running and felt as if I need to send you a message. Life is so weird. I feel drawn to you in conversation--probably because this is so new or maybe because I am a problem solver. You know, when my husband and I went to counseling, the counselor says that I am the peacekeeper of the family and although I never labeled it as such, he was right. I have always tried to keep peace...between my husband and my children, between both children, and must question - is that all good? Maybe sometimes all things just need to be let out...that people need to just scream and holler and vent! Is that healthier than keeping things controlled below the level of exploding? (Sorry- got off on a tangent about me!) Anyway--about you...it is amazing to me and almost unfathomable to me that you are seeking someone else and you are still married. If you want out- then get out!!? What is that about? What is the motivation to make you stay? But maybe it is someTHING else. What is it you feel you need? What fulfills you? When do you feel the best?
I won't be at my desk until about 2:00 today. Then tonight I am going out with Carl & Mike (my neighbors) so I probably won't be home until later. The kids are staying home with pizza delivered. Check ya later. Have a good day! Sky.
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Thur, 17 Oct 2002 8:22:37 AM
From: DECKERMAN
To: Sunandsky
I understand your confusion. Believe me, I understand! As I told you, I was ready to sign out of that online service when you logged in and started sending me messages. I think that this conversation can be better understood in person and if we cannot do that...then on the phone.
In my marriage, I gave two separate ultimatums – she complied. She has done everything I have asked from getting herself in shape to being more attentive to my needs. I could not ask for more. I am very grateful and devoted. And with all of that, still, something is missing. I am betting that you can relate to this from what I have seen you say about your relationship with your husband. I don’t know what the outcomes will be now. All I know is that I don’t want to be alone and I need fulfillment. I look forward to our next meeting. And I remain interested in pursuing this conversation. It really has given me a lift!
deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Thur, 17 Oct 2002 4:03:22 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: DECKERMAN
I have had a trying day. But fulfilling! I need to pick Max up from practice so I gotta run. I will try to be online later tonight. Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Thur, 17 Oct 2002 6:19:55 PM
From: DECKERMAN
To: Sunandsky
I will be here. But there is one thing—should I continue to call you Sky? Deck (LOL!)
Thursday October 17 10:12 PM
SKY: Hey--I see you are logged on
DECKERMAN: Yes- I am --Hello! Good to see you! How was your dinner with your friends?
SKY: Fun! We laughed aloy..as=-drank alot...Geez- I can' t type
I am not sure I can do this now...this take real coordinatorion!
SKY: Coordination
DECKERMAN: I knew what you meant.
SKY: And how was your evening?
DECKERMAN: Calm. I mostly chatted with my friend online who is ill. She is a witch.
SKY: Really? What do you mean?
SKY: Like she can foretell the fruture or reads cards or heals people?
DECKERMAN: Many of those things
SKY: Ever meet her in person?
DECKERMAN: No-She lives on the west coast but she has told me some things about myself that are true.
SKY: I am going to contact my aunt and just out of curiosity have her to do your nameloogy.
SKY: nameoloy
SKY: Shoot...nameology. I can't type.
DECKERMAN: it's ok- I get it. U don't have to correct. U no, I do have a 4th grade education!
SKY: So you have said. This is sorta like a sobriety test…
DECKERMAN: let me know what your aunt says
SKY: I have to give her your full name and birthday
DECKERMAN: And I am more than willing to give that to you but I must tell you I love your name, Sky, but was it your name at birth?
SKY: Ha! No-but maybe…just aybe- I am almost willing to share my first name. You have been honest with me about your identiy
SKY: Identity
SKY: I am very tired and I have to travel tomorrow to a meeting about 45 minutes away--which starts at 9:00 so I need to turn un and I am not doing well typing.
SKY: But it’s Kate
DECKERMAN: ok-sleep well
DECKERMAN: Oh- Wait..Kate is your name? Strong name! I like it! Kate
SKY: I know we have a great deal to talk about. I am not avoiding that. I just can’t talk tonight. Literally or virtually!
SKY: Good night, Kate
DECKERMAN: I know there is much to discuss. Sleep well dear.
Sky signed off 10:29:04 PM
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 8:10:15 AM
From: Sunandsky
To: DECKERMAN
I am leaving now for a meeting. I just got a call from my girlfriend Robin. She is getting laid off from her job. About 6 months ago, the guy she was dating left to move back to his home state and she has not dated anyone since. She has been making great money and although she says it will all be ok and the severance package is enough to bridge her until she get another job, I feel badly for her. I hope she does not lose the house and have to move! I have many guy friends (again, mostly gay) but Robin is a great friend to have--a girlfriend. Anyway...check ya later. Sky
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Fri, 18 Oct 2002 :04:17 PM
From: DECKERMAN
To: Sunandsky
Kate - We have not addressed the things we started a few days ago. Maybe there will be time to explore those that...the things that perhaps make you uncomfortable with me. I miss you being at your IM at work. I find myself checking often to see if you are logged in and..you are not. Deck.
Fri October 24, 2002 9:43 PM
SKY: Hey Mister
DECKERMAN: Hey yourself
SKY: So how was your day?
DECKERMAN: Good- alot of paperwork, some people with issues.
DECKERMAN: Some people that wanted to talk. I am like the Godfather at work. Many people stop by to share their woes with me.
SKY: You are either a good listener or they feel you have good advice!
DECKERMAN: I have been known to be a good supervisor. People have complimented me for such.
SKY: My neighbors just left. We usually spend Friday evening togetgher just unwinding from the week. Things have settlled down for now but I am not tired enough to go to bed. My daughter is out with her boyfriend and my son is spending the night out with a friend.
SKY: so you had some things on your mind
DECKERMAN: Kate- I have some time if you want to talk on the phone
SKY: I can’t believe I told you my (real) name the other night
DECKERMAN: I like your name. Thanks for trusting me enough to share it
SKY: hmmm
DECKERMAN: I can call you
SKY: You cannot. It will come out on your bill
DECKERMAN: But I pay the bills and only I see them.
SKY: Are you alone?
DECKERMAN: yes-she is at my daughter’s house
SKY: I can call you. It is after 9:00 so I have free minutes on my cell phone
DECKERMAN: ok- here is my number
SKY: WAIT!!!
SKY: I am not sure...THis is like sorta scary
DECKERMAN: What are you scared of? DO you want to block your number?
DECKERMAN: You can dial *67 then dial so I can't see your number...nor know your identity.
SKY: Hmmmm. I don’t know. How adolescent! I am trembling
SKY: SO you will give me your #?
DECKERMAN: Right. Are you ready? 021-450-9128
SKY: ok- Let me get to a place where I will have some privacy and quiet...Phew! THis is too much! Man - what typos- my hands are shaking!
DECKERMAN: LOL! It's ok.
SKY: ok- the next ring you hear will be mine
Sky signed off 1:01:49 PM
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 12:02:07 PM
From: DECKERMAN:
To: Sunandsky
I realize what a giant step that was for you to first give me your name and then to talk on the phone and I truly appreciate the trust you had in allowing me to get to know you better through our conversation. I love your voice. And I appreciate your thoughts. U seem so insightful and smart! It was as if we have been friends for a long time! I am going to make you a CD of some of the music I told you about. It will be my favorite music. I hope you feel more now like you can trust me. That I am real. That what I say, is what I mean. Life is what it is! We are dealt a hand of cards and we don't know where it will take us. THere are ups and downs. We both (it sounds like) have had our share. Like I told U, I hope someone will come into my life to catch me. Until that happens, I am here. I am dealing with the hand I was given. It's not always easy. Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 2002 1:42:32 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: DECKERMAN
Yes- life is wierd. But, I too truly appreciated our talk and hope we can have many more. I like your voice too. Calm and low. Almost a whisper sometimes. I loved hearing about your daughter and her trials and tribulations, your poor deceased dog and how that touched you, and your love for your grandkids. You have an interesting sense of humor and make me laugh! Phew—not sure what to make of all this! I will be in touch later in the day or tomorrow. Kate
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Sat , 19 Oct 2002 6:42:37 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: Deckerman
Had a sorta stressful day. Had a call from my husband (don't know exactly what to call him--not an ex yet) ...anyway...just about the kids’ schedules. I bear most of the financial responsibility since I make more $$ than him...and wanted to split the dental and doctor bills with him. We don't have our separation agreement drawn up and so it's not all firm who spends what. But it's hard to maintain the house and pay all the medical insurance plus the bills! I know it is hard on him too. We are planning to spend Tgiving together with his family. I guess it is an easing of the separation to do this. Then for C'mas we will be with my family. We had planned to do things together for/with the kids. And I don’t have anyone else to spend the holidays with...so...
I was thinking about our phone conversation and about the many, many things we talked about. It makes me want to talk to you again. Now that I have this hotline to you...it is filling a gap I always had (in my marriage I guess) for emotional bonds--for closeness and connections. I will be at church tomorrow then I plan to go to the flea market to just look around. I have the kids home now, so will probably just go on to bed...will see you online Monday? Kate
Monday October 21, 2002 8:56 AM
DECKERMAN: Good morning Professor
DECKERMAN: I hope it is a beautiful day for you today
DECKERMAN: What was the most funny part about when we talked on the phone?
DECKERMAN: ?
SKY: i am here, but have a disturbed parent on the phone
DECKERMAN: ok----that is important--let me know when you are off. I will be real quiet!
SKY: ok-done ;-)
SKY: It was a father who was concerned about his 2 year old. The dad was injured and hospitalized for a long time. He has been gone a lot and still travels for work. The kid is not doing well in preschool
SKY: Anyway I advised him about how to rebuild the trust the child has in him that he is not going away any more and how to be physically close and to get some famiyl counseling if they can
SKY: he sounded as if he wanted to do the right things and it will all work out
SKY: but it was a nice call and he was praising me for even being here and answering the phone and talking with him
SKY: that's all
DECKERMAN: that's a lot--
DECKERMAN: I see-it really was important for you to do--and i dont know what advice you offered-but only hope it helps his situation--
SKY: He seemed to feel good about it and wanted to send me flowers or candy
SKY: in appreciation
DECKERMAN: swell
DECKERMAN: u should recognize--
DECKERMAN: how special you are
DECKERMAN: and recognize your special gifts
SKY: I like those calls - which is why I like counseling
SKY: He wanted to know if I had a private practice – but he’s not local- about 1 hour away.
DECKERMAN: well---that is nice-----maybe someone who can both give and receive for you--
SKY: Are you ok today?
DECKERMAN: not excessively ok
DECKERMAN: but i am ok--enough i suppose
SKY: is it just work or something else?
DECKERMAN: mainly work------
DECKERMAN: not you--at all---
SKY: No, that is not what I was asking.
SKY: It is funny, however that even with this mode, I can sense something
DECKERMAN: but some aspect of my life--and situation--and concerns--along with work---are bouncing round a bit today--
DECKERMAN: i must exude this as i have stated b4
SKY: you do exude
DECKERMAN: even thru my seemingly plane writing?
SKY: I know you are going to the doc at noon
DECKERMAN: yes
SKY: Will you e-mail me later with the report?
DECKERMAN: i will let u know
SKY: Are the books you are reading causing you to be more pensive?
DECKERMAN: i am fine
DECKERMAN: i really am
SKY: ok then
DECKERMAN: i know what to look 4 in my health
DECKERMAN: and I know i am clear—and hopefully the melanoma will not reappear
DECKERMAN: yes to the book comment--
SKY: Ask about your leg pain at the doc's (has that nutritional supplement helped?)
DECKERMAN: well--my hip is feeling somewhat better--as are some other joints
SKY: that is good!
DECKERMAN: so the two a day approach is better for me -i take 2 glocusomine choindroitins now
SKY: good
SKY: that may be working for you. Do they have MSM in them too?
DECKERMAN: yes--so thanks for prompting me to use them
DECKERMAN: i knew of there stated benefits
DECKERMAN: but didnt know anyone who used them
SKY: see...
DECKERMAN: yes--
SKY: maybe that alone is why I am here
SKY: drug advisor! I have to go--check ya later!
DECKERMAN: OK- I will be right here.
SKY: What WAS the most funny part of our phone conversation?
DECKERMAN: We can talk about it later. I have a wierd sense of humor! LOL!
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 3:14:57
From: DECKERMAN
To: Sunandsky
Yesterday I had a chat with my good Aunt Dorie, I wanted to share a bit of it with you. More insights into me. Deck
DECKERMAN: well Aunt Dorie --as to your point above--that is correct.
EXDORA91: May I ask a question, Joe? How is your Mother? I worry about her and how she is doing?
DECKERMAN: But even our loved ones --can't comfortably walk in our shoes.
DECKERMAN: And since not too many of us know why we are here to begin with--life to all is nothing more than a journey.
DECKERMAN: And to sacrifice ourselves--for another --or always for the good of someone else-or for societies rules --is not what God intended for us as individuals.
DECKERMAN: God created one thing
DECKERMAN: nature--
DECKERMAN: he didnt create laws
DECKERMAN: he didnt create rules
DECKERMAN: he didnt create regulations
DECKERMAN: he created individuals--
DECKERMAN: each individual--is responsible for their own actions and reactions
DECKERMAN: and when individuals become engaged and entangled with one another and form bonds--they still are individuals
EXDORA91: I realize all that you are saying and agree with you wholeheartedly. I have changed a lot of my ways of thinking since I have grown up. Everything we learn in church is not always true. I have had some arguments with the priest about some of these things. I think that is why my children have all turned from the church as we knew it. Don and Gretchen go to church but not Larry or Allison.
DECKERMAN: individually responsible for their own feelings and reactions to the choices they made--the choice of pairing -or being asociated with another unique individual.
DECKERMAN: yes --u r right
DECKERMAN: individuals find THEIR own answers along the journey--
EXDORA91: You didn't answer my question about your Mother.
DECKERMAN: INDIVIDUALS --create their own rules and guidelines to survive in the world THEY live in--not YOUR WORLD--their world --their reality.
DECKERMAN: As 2 my mother--really--she is not part of my reality or world.--
DECKERMAN: So--I do not know.
DECKERMAN: She has cried wolf too many times.
DECKERMAN: She has lied too many times.
DECKERMAN: She has been hurtful and evil too many times.
DECKERMAN: When she really needs help-I will know it--or will be made aware or it if apprpriate
EXDORA91: I will not get in touch with her anymore as she told Uncle Larry to tell me not to call anymore. Why does she hate me so?
DECKERMAN: I have not called her -or heard from her recently--to be succinct.
DECKERMAN: she is so jealous of all things in her life that she is hurt deeply inside and fosters madness and anger only in her soul.
DECKERMAN: u r just a person on her list--
DECKERMAN: u r not specially selected
DECKERMAN: u were just another person along her path--in life that she was jealous of--is all.
EXDORA91: I do not mean to pull things up anymore so we will get off of this subject. I just feel bad for her. She seems so alone but has made this herself.
DECKERMAN: yes-
DECKERMAN: true
DECKERMAN: the bed she made is where she rests
DECKERMAN: ok
DECKERMAN: enough
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Aunt Dorie
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 6:31:07 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: DECKERMAN
Thanks for sharing your conversation with your aunt. You sound close to her and perhaps not as close to your mom. Tell me more about this part of your conversation...more about how you feel about how you have created your own reality...what do you mean about this and how does it apply in your life?
DECKERMAN: individuals find THEIR own answers along the journey--
DECKERMAN: INDIVIDUALS --create their own rules and guidelines to survive in the world THEY live in--not YOUR WORLD--their world --their reality.
After church Sunday, I had my neighbor come over with his digital camera. Let me know when you are ready to view my photo. I posted it on a website. Kate.
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 8:22:27 PM
From: DECKERMAN
To: Sunandsky
Well, as I told you on the phone. Although I am still with my wife, I am seeking more. There has got to be more to life than this. After the discovery of my cancer, I opened my eyes to many things. I really think I am a different person and seem to have this need to find more meaning than I have had. I love my wife and am devoted to her in many ways. It's hard to explain. She would do anything in the world for me and I feel I am her protector and provider. But I do not get fulfillment. I guess that I have made many choices and although I am looking for answers in my journey, I only hope they will come...or will become evident to me. What I said in the email with my aunt is that we all create our own reality. I have created mine and have many things in my reality that I do to survive and sometimes that is all I am doing. But I guess I value life so much (since the cancer) that I want to LIVE it.
By the way...yes! DEFINITELY! Show me the photo! I am ready! Deck
-------- Incoming Message --------
Subject: Online
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 2002 8:31:07 PM
From: Sunandsky
To: DECKERMAN
Ready, huh? I am just learning to do webpages so all that is posted is this one photo. I will try to learn more so I can post pics of the kids as well. I would rather IM you the website. Let me know when it’s a good time?
I want your reaction right away...and since I can't see your face...I want your first reaction on IM.
Hey have you heard of those webcams? Maybe that is the next best thing to being there! Let me put the kids to bed then meet me online! Get ready! Kate
Monday October 21 9:47 PM
SKY: hello there, Sir
DECKERMAN: Hello yurself. I have been waiting for you
SKY: Well here I am!
DECKERMAN: Don't make me wait any more...
SKY: for what?
DECKERMAN: you are teasing me now
SKY: ohhhhh. You mean you want the web address? Are you sure?
DECKERMAN: absolutely. Actually it doesn't really matter. I am having quite a good time chatting with you and maybe I don't need to see you. I am curious, yes. I think one thing is for sure is that you are taller than me. I reread your profile earlier this evening.
SKY: How tall are you?
DECKERMAN: I stand just a little more than 5 ' 6" last I measured
SKY: Well I am just 5’8" I used to be 5'9" but I shrunk an inch! I struggle with my weight too. ALways have. I told you I run but I have not always run. I just am working harder on it. Now you are really afraid to see the photo- huh?
DECKERMAN: The suspense is killing me.
SKY: ok- let's get it over with...here is the URL...www.home.allnetway.net/skyandsun001.html
DECKERMAN: ok- let me take a look
SKY: ??
SKY: well???
SKY: I am waiting- are you logging off? What?
DECKERMAN: I have my mouth open...you look incredible and like such a happy person. I love your little dog in the picture.
DECKERMAN: You are sitting in the chair with your legs across the arms of the chair in your exercise clothes so I can't see how tall you actually are but you have nice long legs. I like, very much what I see.
SKY: ok…
SKY: My heart is pounding almost as hard as when we talked on the phone
DECKERMAN: now I can picture what you look like when we talk. And your size- it looks just right.
SKY: I try...I have lost 18 lbs and am shooting for 25 lbs. You said you lift weights from time to time.
SKY: WE have a weight bench but I am not suure exactly the right way to use them. Maybe you could tell me how to do it...how much weight to lift or how many times, etc.
DECKERMAN: I can do that actually.
DECKERMAN: a friend of mine is trying to IM me too. he is so unhappy in his marriage. His wife is having an affair with someone else and their son is in and out of court/jail. He is just miserable. It is always the same with him and I fell badly for him.
SKY: You should go talk with him. Spend some time with him. I have some things to do here.
DECKERMAN: no- it is ok...he lives in the same town. I see him a great deal actually. I am just disoriented now- gazing at your picture…
SKY: Well, I need to fold clothes and pick up a bit around here. I will leave the computer online and check back in a bit before I go to bed. How about that?
DECKERMAN: Whatever--
SKY: You know- I hjate that pharase- "Whatever" It sounds so uncaring
DECKERMAN: I didn't mean it that way...at ALL!!!
SKY: I know- just thought I would tell you a pet peeve! Catch you in a few...
SKY: OK- I’m back but going to bed now. Sweet dreams
DECKERMAN: And to you my dear. Thanks for sharing your photo and of sharing yourself with me tonight.