How To Catch A Man
And Keep Him For Good
Darren G. Burton
Published by Darren G. Burton at Smashwords
Copyright © 2010 Darren G. Burton
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
The Author asserts the moral right to
be identified as the author of this work
Cover Design: Darren G. Burton
Information was gathered for this book through conducting numerous surveys and interviews; with men being the particular focus. Women have certainly offered their viewpoints as well. Added to this is common knowledge learnt over time and the author’s own personal experiences.
No material in this book is meant to be offensive in any way. The advice and information on offer can either be taken on board to produce positive results in your life, or ignored if you so choose.
Every effort has been made by the author to write this book in an unbiased and objective manner. However, it should be noted that it is virtually impossible to communicate any information and points of view without any bias present whatsoever.
The information in this book is somewhat general in nature, and the author acknowledges the fact that individuals and personal circumstances vary.
Whilst this book’s content is primarily aimed at women, men can certainly benefit from it as well.
How to attract a man?
This question has no doubt been asked by women the world over for centuries.
The truth is, there is no single one way – or right way – for a woman to attract a man. Although men and women have inherent traits that generally apply to each gender, at the end of the day we are all individuals. What works for one woman may not work for another. Likewise, what appeals to one man won’t necessarily appeal to a different guy.
It’s all about knowing yourself and what you truly and honestly want and need in a partner and for yourself.
This book touches on points that will definitely appeal to the vast majority of the male population, as well as help the reader get to know themselves better and define what they really want for themselves, in a man and ultimately in a relationship.
Using this book as a general guide will greatly increase your chances of not only attracting a man into your life, but help you to attract the right man for you and keep that man.
This section of the book has been dealt with first. Why? Because without truly knowing yourself and what you want, how can you successfully go about attracting a man into your life? The right man.
About You is designed to get you thinking about yourself, knowing yourself better, and to learn more about what you want for yourself and in a partner.
Know Yourself And What You Want
Often we go about our lives - in one facet or another - without really, truly knowing our heart’s desires. What’s best for us. What we actually want and need. And what will ultimately make us happy. Life’s experiences tends to teach us more about ourselves over time, but if we take the time to analyze and look a little deeper into ourselves, we can usually figure a lot of it out sooner rather than later.
Many of us are guilty of bouncing from one relationship to the next, simply because we don’t know ourselves properly and end up being involved with the wrong partner. At first we wouldn’t have really known they were wrong for us (or us for them) until we got to know our partner better. Things start to feel out of sync. It isn’t really working out and we start to ask ourselves: Why? Often we won’t really know why it’s not working. We just know it isn’t. This is because we don’t really know ourselves and what we are truly looking for.
Take time out to learn about yourself first; figure out who you are, where you want to be and exactly what it is you want.
Try writing out two lists.
The first list should be about yourself. What are your plans? What type of person are you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? These are the type of questions you should ask yourself.
The second list should be a general list of what you would like to find in a man. What kind of person would he be? What type of job would he have? What are his goals and ambitions in life and love?
Although no list of attributes for a potential partner should be adhered to rigorously, it does give you some sort of a guide as to what to look for, as well as imparting a better understanding for yourself of what you want, like and need.
Your Likes And Dislikes
What we like and dislike can change over time. As we grow older and our tastes mature, we often find we like things we didn’t like when we were younger, and vice versa. The same can happen in our relationships.
What you may have liked or found cute in a partner when a teenager will invariably be different to what appeals to you in your twenties and thirties. Teenage romances, despite vows between the partners of undying love, tend to fizzle out as both people mature. There are exceptions to this of course, but that is generally what happens.
Once we have grown into adulthood we tend to have a better sense of ourselves, and a more stable idea of what appeals to us and what doesn’t.
It’s good to have a firm grasp on what it is that you like and desire, and what has a tendency to turn you off. Knowing this about yourself – and much of this is determined by life’s experiences – will give you a better understanding of the right kind of partner for you and the level of compatibility needed to make a relationship work.
Never take too rigid a stance though, as you may close the door on new and wondrous opportunities and experiences that you never knew existed before.
Your Good Points
It’s important to know what is positive about yourself. We all have our good points; areas of strength, likeable facets of our personalities and depth in our character.
Do you know what your good points are? What things do you really like and admire about yourself? Can these good points be made even better so they could be considered exceptional? Have you ever written down your positives on a sheet of paper to see just how many there really are?
Although it’s never a good idea to boast about what’s good concerning you, it is important that you have a strong sense of, and recognition of, your strengths. After all, you are a very important person - both to yourself and those around you.
Feel good about yourself. Regularly remind yourself of your good points in a grounded manner. This will produce a sense of confidence that others will pick up on and be drawn to. You will also find you have a greater chance of success with everything you try due to that increase in confidence. Confidence breeds positivity and positivity attracts.
Your Flaws
Unfortunately we all have these. Not one of us is faultless. If we were we would probably be considered rather anal and somewhat boring.
It is not good or healthy to dwell on your personal faults. However, it is important to be aware of them nonetheless.
Anything that is negative about you as a person, or flaws in your character, should be exhibited as little as possible. This is not intended as an exercise to pretend they don’t exist, nor to deceive others into thinking you are possibly someone you are not. It is merely more beneficial for yourself and those you interact with if your bad points are not constantly on display.
Equally important is some concerted effort to try and improve on these flaws. Possibly even turn some of them around so that they truly become positive character traits instead of negative ones. Or find an area where that seemingly bad point or fault can be utilised in a positive way.
For example, having a bad temper isn’t a good thing. But channeling that aggression into a positive pursuit and using it as your motivational drive can have a very healthy outcome.
Negatives can become positives. It all depends on how you use what you have. Always look for ways to improve on your faults and seek positive outlets and outcomes for any negative energy.
Annoying Habits
Unfortunately we all suffer from these too.
Often we are unaware that our little habits and quirks annoy others until they tell us. Obviously our own habits don’t annoy ourselves or we would change them. And not everyone is the same either. What bothers one person may not irritate another.
Even though you may not be in a relationship at this point, it is important to try and recognize any obvious bad habits you may have and try to eradicate them.
Friends and family are handy to help pinpoint anything that you may need to work on. Even though it can feel quite personal, ask them if there are things about you that annoy them, and try not to take offense to their answers. Instead, take a positive and objective approach and try to use their feedback to help you improve those areas.
And while on the subject of annoying habits, strive to be tolerant of others. We all have our ways that define us as individuals, and some of these ways will invariably grate on others. Any man you meet is bound to have some annoying habits too. How many bad habits you can deal with will be entirely up to you. Be tolerant of his ways, as you hope he will be of yours.
Also keep in mind that some so-called annoying habits in a person can actually be considered quite cute at times.
Your Age
Your current age will partly determine several things about the kind of man you want to attract, or are likely to attract. These things will include:
His age
His career / employment level
His life experience
His goals and ambitions
His personality and maturity
Although certainly not always the case, people generally are attracted to partners about the same age as themselves. Women tend to prefer their man to be a couple of years older than them (cougars aside); especially in adulthood. There are instances where women prefer younger men, but usually they like a guy around the same age or a little bit older.
What are you expecting from a guy in your age bracket?
If he’s in his twenties, chances are he is still finding his way when it comes to a career, or just starting out on his chosen employment path. He will probably have some goals and ambitions, but maybe they won’t be set firmly in his mind yet.
When a man is in his thirties or forties, it is reasonable to expect him to have established a career path and be setting himself up for financial stability and security. He is probably by now starting to live out some of those ambitions and aspirations, and he would have enough life experience to make better judgement calls and more grounded decisions.
You may be a teenager hoping to find teenage love. Obviously in the teen years your partner can’t be expected to have a solid career, or even to really know what he wants to do with his life yet.
Depending on your age, ponder what you expect to find in a partner and what direction you hope the relationship will progress over the next few years.
Your Past
By the time we reach the age where we desire a relationship, we all have a past. The more relationships we have, the more past history we have when it comes to relationships and our experiences with them.
Past history can be made up of both positive experiences and, unfortunately, negative ones as well.
Possibly you have never had a relationship before and are seeking your first love? Even if this is the case, there will still be past relationship experiences that your mind will draw on. Such as:
The relationship between your parents
A sibling’s experiences
Relationship experiences of your friends
What you’ve seen on TV, in the movies and in the media
If you have had a past relationship (or relationships), then there will generally be a mixture of positive and negative experiences mixed in with your memories and the emotions attached to those memories.
While it’s important to learn from these past experiences (particularly the negative ones), it is equally as important not to let bad memories affect your future relationships. Learn what you could do better and make a note of what you don’t want to encounter in a future partner, but try to approach your next relationship with an open mind and heart and offer your new partner the benefit of the doubt.
Why let something in your past spoil something potentially good in your future?
Emotional Baggage
This topic pretty much carries on from, and builds upon, the previous topic.
Emotional baggage is a build up of negative emotional energy from the past. Many potentially good relationships have either been ultimately destroyed by this, or never had the chance to develop because of one partner’s inability to let go of, or not be affected by, their history.
Women don’t suffer from this affliction exclusively either. Many men are prone to carting this baggage around with them as well, only to dump it on the doorstep of a new and unsuspecting partner.
We are all human. We make mistakes. We have feelings and memories, have experienced love and heartache, have desires and fears. So, as vulnerable, feeling human beings, how do we ditch this cumbersome and inhibiting emotional baggage from our lives?
If the problem goes really deep, and past experiences seem virtually impossible to get over, then the best course of action would be to seek some professional help. There is certainly no shame in any of us seeking counseling of some sort if we are really struggling with an issue like this.
Most of the time, however, we can get past the past. As stated in the last topic, we need to learn from previous mistakes and experiences, take something positive from them (like newfound knowledge), and move on.
Use this knowledge as a tool to let you know early on what to look out for in a new partner. But never assume a new man will do something that a previous one did, or be like a previous partner, if they are not exhibiting any real signs of being like that.
One of the major problems with emotional baggage is this: Because we fear a past bad experience or situation being repeated, sometimes that fear can be so strong that it manifests itself in our minds and makes us believe that our new partner is that way even if they are not.
People being accused of something they haven’t done or would never do will soon take an immense dislike to the accuser, eventually becoming bitter towards them.
If you are between relationships and desire to start your next one with a clear mind and heart, one of the best things you can do is learn to relax and deal with situations without the pressure of your emotions getting the better of you.
One of the best methods of relaxation for dealing with emotional issues is the art of meditation. Learn how to truly meditate and make it a regular routine in your life. Meditation is not some psycho babble for the mystics. Nor is it a miracle cure. What meditation teaches you is to totally block everything out of your mind so you can have the ability to focus purely on your inner self and any problems you are suffering. This then gives you the opportunity to cleanse negative thoughts, energy and emotions from your body and mind.
Meditation groups meet everywhere all over the planet. Join one and learn the ability to indulge in this unique and powerful art.
The bottom line to this topic: The past is exactly that. Leave it where it belongs and move on to a brighter future.
Confidence
True confidence comes from knowing yourself. You recognise your strengths and weaknesses, your abilities and shortfalls. You know what you are good at, what needs to be improved upon and what you should avoid.
Confidence in oneself is a major attraction factor. Women especially like confident men, but men are also drawn to confident women.
Let’s not confuse confidence with egotism. Egotism is about having an over-inflated and unrealistic opinion of oneself. Egotistical people are generally not well liked or respected, and are often ridiculed by their peers. That’s not confidence, and certainly doesn’t reap the benefits and results that true confidence does.
Once you genuinely know yourself, confidence will be a natural byproduct of that self-knowledge. Confidence is right up there in the laws of attraction. It creates belief first, then actions and positive results follow. People are naturally drawn to modest and quietly confident people.
Have confidence in yourself that you are truly a great human being who deserves happiness and fulfillment. Your confidence will convey that message to others and you will soon enjoy the benefits of this wonderful state of mind and being.
Confidence really is a very powerful magnet.
What Do Others Think Of You?
This first section of the book has basically been all about knowing yourself. One of the best ways to learn more about yourself is to find out how those around you view you.
Friends, family, work colleagues and acquaintances will often see things about you that you don’t, or can’t, see for yourself.
Having the ability to attract a man into your life isn’t all based on what you know about yourself. It will be largely based on how he sees you and what kind of person he perceives you to be.
Even though it can get a bit personal, and often the truth hurts when you hear some things about yourself that are not all that flattering, try getting a feel for what your friends and family think of you.
What do they believe are your good points?
What do they feel you could improve upon?
What type of impression do you portray when you first meet someone new? Others, viewing objectively, will notice more about this than you will note about yourself.
Gather this vital information. Learn what you can from it. Embrace the positives, improve on the negatives and grow in that all-important confidence of truly knowing yourself.
Your Attitude To Relationships
This topic does share some similarities to the earlier topic of emotional baggage, as deep-seated emotions that have suffered damage will certainly affect your outlook on future relationships, and thus your attitude toward them.
Some things to look out for and be mindful of when it comes to your view on relationships includes:
Do you stereotype men?
Do you believe relationships are doomed to eventually fail?
Do you sabotage your relationships?
Despite past disappointments, can you maintain an optimistic view of the future?
We can all be guilty at times of stereotyping the opposite sex. Sometimes it’s just done in good humor, based rather loosely on some very general truths. Stereotyping in jest is pretty harmless fun. Serious stereotyping, however, is a more critical matter when it comes to relationships. It can distort one’s views on reality, and at times blind you to the reality of the person you are dating and what they are truly like.
Try to avoid stereotyping; particularly of the negative facets of a gender. No one likes to be presumed guilty before being proven innocent.
Having preconceived, negative views on the future of your relationships is an unhealthy outlook. True, many relationships do fail. But many don’t. Take note of elderly couples as a prime example. The more deeply you know yourself and the better you know what you want will all go a long way in attracting the right man for you. And if you meet the right guy, there is no plausible reason why the relationship can’t grow into a long and fulfilling union.
Some people have a habit of self-destructing. Consciously or subconsciously many people have a tendency to sabotage their personal relationships, and therefore their happiness.
Why do people do this?
An unfortunate bad habit
The past rearing its ugly head
A fear of happiness and fulfillment
A fear of being hurt
Although all of the above are pertinent to this issue, the most common reason I uncovered in the survey process was a fear of being hurt: A need for one partner to sabotage the relationship and bring it to an end before the other partner could possibly do anything to hurt them. The timing of this relationship break down practice is interesting too. Usually the sabotaging takes place just at the moment the fearful partner is really starting to feel deep emotions for the other person. Self-preservation kicks in, driven by a deep-seated fear of being hurt and the vulnerability that goes with caring for someone beyond mere interest or infatuation.
If you suffer from this affliction, it is something that seriously needs to be addressed if you are to ever hope for a happy and contented future. Try the meditation as touched on earlier. If that doesn’t help, consider seeking some professional counseling.
In the event that you have suffered hurt and pain in your relationship past, do you have the ability to maintain an optimistic outlook for your relationship future?
Obviously it is important that you do. Gain confidence and reassurance from the fact that you have learned from your mistakes, you now know yourself better and have a firmer grasp on what you are looking for in a partner.
Improve Yourself
You know your strengths and weaknesses. Those around you have informed you of your good points and what’s positive about you. You are now also aware of what needs to be improved upon.
If you are fortunate, there is nothing major. Possibly you’ve become aware of a habit or idiosyncrasy that tends to annoy everyone. If that’s the case, an effort will be required to eradicate that habit. If it bothers everyone who knows you now, then it’s sure to bother a future partner as well.
Make a list of anything you feel needs to be worked on and try to improve those areas. It won’t happen overnight. Just take it one step at a time, a day at a time.
Striving for improvement will also add to your all-important level of self-confidence.
Video Feedback
In the job hunting game there is one effective technique that trainers use to help job seekers improve their interview skills.
A mock job interview scenario is set up between the prospective employee and a person acting as the employer. The whole process is videotaped and then played back to the job seeker for critiquing. Improving body language during the interview process is the main aim of this exercise.
The same technique can be applied to the dating scene. In this modern digital age, many people possess a digital camcorder, or a digital still camera that has video capabilities. Set up some mock scenarios amongst your friends. Be sure to have a balanced mixture of males and females in the group. Capture some brief footage of a guy and girl role-playing a scenario where they are meeting for the first time. Play the footage back and everyone can offer their opinions on what was good about the scenario, and areas where body language can be improved upon.
Although this won’t be as accurate as a real life scenario where the guy and girl genuinely don’t know each other, it will help to point out some obvious flaws in one’s body language. And it will be fun in the process.
Practice Flirting
Flirting is a very natural and powerful part of interaction between males and females. Are you good at flirting? Do you enjoy flirting? Do you know how to flirt successfully?
With anything in life it’s a good idea to not only study something or how to do something, but also to practice it. The exact same goes for flirting.
One of the most important points to remember when flirting is that you want it to appear as natural as possible; an integral part of your personal makeup. Flirting that is too contrived or looks forced comes across as being rather awkward and somewhat off-putting.
When out and about, have your friends observe your interaction with others. They can watch from a distance as you flirt with that guy, and let you know how you did.
Feedback from those observing and not directly involved in a scenario can be the most useful and accurate source of information to determine your strengths, and the areas that might need some improvement.
Never shy away from constructive criticism and genuine feedback. It’s essential for personal growth, improvement and learning.
What Are You Offering?
What will you bring to a relationship? What are you offering a potential partner? You no doubt have a list of criteria in mind that you hope he lives up to, but as relationships are a two way street, what will he be likely to get out of it?
We will be going into greater detail on this important topic later in the book, but I just wanted to touch on it now.
If you truly know yourself you will know what you have to offer a man and be confident in that.
Love Yourself First
Like having confidence, loving yourself does not mean being an egomaniac. It entails having respect for yourself and genuinely liking who you are. It also means doing what’s best for you, protecting your interests and making competent decisions to help ensure your happiness now and in the future.
We’ve all most likely heard the saying that we have to first love ourselves before we can love anyone else.
This is absolutely true!
If we dislike ourselves, how can we possibly have the ability to like, love or care deeply about another human being? And on the flipside, how can we expect someone else to like and love us if we don’t feel good about us? How can we make someone else happy if we’re not happy within ourselves?
Based on everything you know about yourself – and there will be plenty of positives – learn to truly love yourself first (in a quiet and modest fashion) and others will be drawn to you.
Personality and Character is really an extension of the About You section and is a continuation of your journey to learn more about yourself, understand yourself better and know how to attract and please the right partner.
Your Personality
Personality is the way we express ourselves. Every one of us is an individual and no two personalities are identical.
Never seek to change your personality! After all, the way you come across to others and the manner in which you express yourself has everything to do with you as an individual and what makes you unique.
If you are popular and many people like you, then obviously your personality is very attractive. However, you may be a quieter and more private person who chooses to only have a few close friends. There is nothing wrong with this either. We are all different. The world needs these differences in personality to make it an interesting and vibrant place in which to live.
Shyness in one’s personality is an area that needs to be overcome to some degree in order for a person to step out in life. If you are a shy person by nature, draw on the positive knowledge you have of yourself and the confidence this gives you. Practice reminding yourself of this and you will soon find yourself stepping outside your comfort zone and opening up a whole new world of opportunities.