Praise for How to Get Along with Yourself and Others:
Suzanne Burkett has brought me through a vast terrain of experience and ideas that has revolutionized my understanding of life and its surroundings. With her strength and wit, she demonstrates the power of the human spirit as she brings knowledge and serenity to the adult soul leaving you with the understanding that everything you need to know from the universe is well within you. In this inspiring and insightful book, she shares herself and touches the lives of so many as she reveals her commitment to personal growth and a desire to share what she has learned on her own journey through life. I encourage you to share in her knowledge and experience. She is truly a bright and gifted spirit. — Erin Alder, Advertising/Design, Washington D.C.
An insightful look into relationships that offers real solutions to the most common, but often most difficult, matters in everyday relationships. I found deceptively simple insights and I urge anyone who wishes to increase their own quality of life to read this book. —– Kevin Quinn, Media Producer, Mary Jane's Farm Magazine.
Every time I open to a page in How to Get Along with Yourself and Others, I get a new perspective on something that has been bothering me. I especially enjoyed the chapter: Find Your True Nature in Nature. Suzanne Burkett's writing has a calming effect that makes me feel better about the difficulties present in my life right now. She has a true gift of compassion and understanding. —Diane Helms, Small Business Owner, Truckee, CA
How to Get Along with Yourself and Others
Wit and Wisdom
For Natural Living
Suzanne Burkett
Published by Suzanne Burkett Lost Wolf Press at Smashwords
Copyright 2009 Lost Wolf Press
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Table of Contents
Chapter One: The Beautiful Breath of Life
Chapter Two: Pain and Anger Hurt
Chapter Three: Find Your True Nature in Nature
Chapter Four: Appearances and Expectations
Chapter Five: Silence Makes Sense
Chapter Six: Create Your Dreams
Bibliography
Introduction
“There is more to life than increasing its speed.” - Mahatma Gandhi
If you want to get along with yourself you need to like yourself, and it helps to know yourself too. As you get to know yourself throughout the pages of this book, you will gradually remember who you were when you began your life journey. There are fun and easy exercises throughout the book to help you do this.
All you have to do is remember to make the effort to get along with yourself and be willing to let go of feeling unhappy and dissatisfied. As you go through this process, your relationships with others will naturally improve.
All of us, in fact all living things, have an innate will to live, to endure, and to strive beyond our natural limits. The will to live (threat of extinction) pushes us beyond the brink of exhaustion, when often times we would rather just give up. Everyone has felt this way at some point or another in his or her lifetime.
Sometimes everything is backwards or doesn’t work at all. That’s when you may find yourself asking: “Why bother?”
It has become a common question lately as we are bombarded, on a daily basis, with too much information. Taking time out for ourselves is frequently neglected as we try to accomplish more and more in a single day. Remember when people used to say; have a nice day? Maybe this phrase was overused, but I like the idea. Now people say; have a productive day. Really? Do I have to? The last time someone said that to me I replied that I would like to have an unproductive day. I’m not saying lie around and eat bon-bons from now on, but do try to take time for you. You are not a computer and it isn’t necessary to compete as one.
In an effort to keep up with the accelerated pace of the world, we feel adrift on a choppy ocean without a paddle, or a cell phone. Or worse yet, the cell phone is there but it’s hopelessly wet . . .
At times like these, it may seem as if there are no resolutions to the global problems that invade our lives.
“What happened to the simple life?”
I’m not sure if there really ever was one. Maybe things just look better when you look back.
The good news is that there can be a simple life, and it can be yours.
This simple life exists inside you and is yours alone. You create it for yourself. You may have heard this phrase: ‘You can choose how you want to feel about what happens to you.’
This is true, but the problem is no one ever tells you how to decide how you feel.
This book will tell you the steps to take in order to decide how to feel.
This book will tell you what you can choose to make yourself feel better, and how to choose it.
Survival can’t be avoided. As humans, we are engineered to, at the very least, attempt to survive.
Every case is as unique as the body it embodies. In the desert, for example, plants are exposed to enough stress from the environment that they have adapted in remarkable ways to survive extreme temperature changes, intense sun, and lack of nutrients.
Adapting, adjusting to what is going on around you, is a natural and necessary part of life.
It happens in nature all the time. For example, the Ocotillo, a desert shrub that grows in the southwestern United States and Mexico, adapts to a harsh environment by going dormant.
Definition:
Dormant (adj.) (of e.g. volcanoes) not erupting and not extinct, lying with head on paws as if sleeping, inactive but capable of becoming active
The ocotillo becomes dormant when it’s dry, and waits patiently for a good rainfall to spring back to life. In the span of only a few weeks, the Ocotillo’s flowers bloom and the seeds become ripe, then fall. After this explosion of life, the Ocotillo once again becomes dormant sometimes repeating this pattern up to five times a year.
Some seeds from the Desert Lupine (native to deserts of southern California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, and northern Baja) will remain dormant for up to ten years. Even under good rainfall conditions, some seeds don’t germinate. The delicate blue flowers are a testament to patience and resilience, and to the fact that there is always potential beauty just beneath the surface.
Going dormant is a valuable defense mechanism and in the case of humans a learning device.
Dormancy can be as simple as keeping your mouth shut when there isn’t a worthwhile response to a situation, or when you don’t want to be forced into a decision.
Ponder These Thought-Provoking Definitions:
Resilient (adj.) Capable of recoiling from pressure or shock unchanged or undamaged.
Patient (adj.) Capable of tranquilly awaiting results.
Beauty is beyond Skin Deep
Desert plants aren’t usually beautiful at first sight. Most desert plants are pale in color, spiny, sharp and thorny, or overly plump. They wait a long time for their short time in the sun.
The tolerance and perseverance of desert plants is not only a testament to the plants that endure extreme conditions, and ultimately grace the desert with their hard-earned beauty and brilliance, but also to the desert animals that depend on, and contribute to, the desert cycle of life.
The extreme nature of the desert sets an example for growth and potential, even under the worst conditions.
As we stroll among the earth’s corridors, we will discover everyday examples from nature that help to uncover our true, human nature. Two of those examples, resiliency and patience, are defined above.
An easy way to deal with life’s challenges would be to go dormant. And you can if you want to, but not forever.
Eventually, maybe even after ten years, you must burst forth into life again and survive. It is your responsibility as a human being.
You didn’t ask to be here. Are you sure? By the end of this book, I believe you will have changed your mind.
Throughout the book, lessons from nature are incorporated into the chapters. Whether you live in the country or the city, you are surrounded by nature. In some circumstances, you may have to look a little harder to find it.
Relating and connecting to nature is the first step to connecting with your inner self and ultimately to connecting to others with positive results.
There is a place you can go to heal yourself. This place lives inside you. It is always there to welcome you without judgment or criticism. I will show you how to get there. When you learn to get along with yourself, you will be able to retreat to this place for reassurance and relief.
Inside you, there is a place to go and take time out for yourself. And once you have done this for yourself, you can do it for others.
This book is written so that it isn’t necessary to read it in cumulative progression (even though it is arranged cumulatively). We are all cumulatively different. So go wherever you like as you like it.
Chapter One: The Beautiful Breath of Life
"Breathe, breathe in the air. Don’t be afraid to care.” — Breathe, Pink Floyd
Breathing is one of those trends that have remained popular for ages. So there must be something to it. I don’t know anybody who can honestly say they haven’t been caught up in the breathing hype. I know you’ve heard it before, don’t forget to breathe.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe up. Breathe down. Breathe all around.
Ummmm aaaaaahhhhhhhh …Delicious! The sweet breath of life. It is all yours.
There are many benefits to breathing besides the big obvious one.
Have you noticed how often you’re reminded to breathe? Your friends and family remind you to breathe when you’re upset. Your yoga instructor, your doctor, talk show hosts, even the news media suggest: “Take a deep breath; we’ve got some big news coming up.”
Actually, I’ve never heard the news media say that, but I think they should start warning us: “Hey, turn off your TV. This next bit will take your breath away, and maybe even ruin your day.”
Seriously, if you are alive you have surely been reminded to breathe. And if you have heeded this advice you probably–at least for a little while –felt the relaxing benefits of breathing.
Why does everyone tell you to breathe?
Well, because it’s a good idea, and it’s critical to existence.
Lack of sufficient oxygen can be attributed to almost every disease faced by humans such as: heart attack, stroke, cancer, asthma, pneumonia, allergies, emotional distress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, mood swings, poor digestion, high blood pressure, fatigue, and the list goes on. Shallow breathing sends stress signals to your brain.
Now that you’re thinking about breathing, I bet at least one person tells you to breathe in the next week.
Breathing is about to take over every moment of your life.
Most of us are too busy, throughout the day, to pay attention to our breath on a regular basis. Dusk, however is a good time to take a moment to observe the world as it seems to take a breath and relax into the transition from day to evening.
An inclination toward easy, relaxed, and conscious breathing often comes at dusk, when most of us are finishing our work or outdoor recreation for the day. This is when the day settles down into suspended nothingness. It is time to take a deep breath and remind yourself that tomorrow is another day, and with it comes another chance.
How often have you found yourself glancing out the window around dusk and thinking: Oh good, it’s getting dark. There is a sense of relief that the day draws to an end. Soon you can go home and relax.
Even if you work at night, there are evenings when you can experience the peace of twilight, or perhaps the coveted grandeur of dawn.
The relief of the between time comes every day. The earth says to you, “Take a deep breath with me. Share a moment with me.”
This is a wonderful time to walk outside, take a deep breath, and find some element of nature, a tree, a plant, a patch of lush green grass, or an expanse of the sky above.
Watch the colors of the sky change in the encroaching dusk. The light diminishes, fading gracefully as it gently kisses the treetops good night, leaving us with twilight where life is momentarily suspended, and the earth releases a contented sigh.
Welcome the dawn as the sky brightens with calm hope and acceptance that the day ahead holds new experiences and promises.
Find a rhythm in your own piece of nature. If there is a breeze, breathe along with it. And if the world is perfectly still, breathe your own life into it.
Look for the movement of life breath in everyone and everything around you.
Listen. Are you alive?
How often do you actually listen to yourself breathe?
Sometimes we don’t listen to our breath at all, until something dramatic happens and then we suddenly observe ourselves breathing loudly and heavily, panting or gasping in reaction to stress or fear.
Breathing Is Not As Easy As It Looks
When you are conscious that you are breathing, it does calm your busy mind. Actively practice, at least once every day, listening to your in and out breath. Find your own breath pattern by listening to, not forcing, the breath as it flows in and out of your body.
Make it a habit
The more you engage in conscious active breathing, the more relaxed and alive you will feel. Your body will thank you.
“Cancer is a condition within the body where the oxidation has become so depleted that the body cells have degenerated beyond physiological control. Similarly, the true cause of allergy is lowered oxidation process within the body, causing the affected individual to be sensitive to foreign substances entering the body. Only when the oxidation mechanism is restored to its original high state of efficiency can the sensitivity be eliminated.” — Dr. Wendell Hendricks, Hendricks Research Foundation
“Breathing is the key that unlocks the whole catalog of advanced biological function and development. Is it any wonder that it is so central to every aspect of health? Breathing is the first place, not the last place; one should look when fatigue, disease, or other evidence of disordered energy presents itself.” — Sheldon Saul Hendler, MD, PHD, Oxygen Breakthrough
Let’s Breathe Now
Sit comfortably, or lie on the floor
Place your hand on your tummy just below your belly button
Put your other hand on your chest
Inhale slowly until you feel your hand below the belly button rise. Your diaphragm is massaging your organs as you breathe.
When your breath has filled your stomach, relax, and allow it to rise into your chest and exhale.
Inhale fully into your tummy again.
Repeat this full breathing technique as many times as possible.
Sometimes you lose your breath. Let’s look at possible causes:
Exertion
Stress
Grief
Fear
Exertion
If you are out of shape, you can gradually get back into shape by beginning a basic exercise program. If necessary, consult your doctor for instructions or guidelines, but really, you know what you need to do to get in good physical condition. I’m not here to bore you with yet another diet or exercise program.
All I’m going to say is, the more often you engage in vigorous indoor or outdoor activities the easier you will breathe for both physical and emotional reasons.
Try five minutes a day with something as simple as taking the stairs or doing jumping jacks. Remember those? If not, Google it. They are a good icebreaker at a dull party too.
Be Realistic about Making Changes.
Avoid vacation imagination. How many of us suddenly decide that we must get in shape because our vacation is coming up?
You have thirteen days until you leave, and when you pull out your favorite resort clothes, they don’t fit anymore!
I hate it when that happens . . .
You make up your mind that you’re going to get in shape if it kills you, but don’t let it, not physically or emotionally.
I’m not saying don’t start working out or getting in shape. Do it realistically, as if you were not headed to Hawaii in two weeks and you don’t have to be the hottest thing on the beach.
It’s never too late to start exercising and experiencing the self-confidence that comes with it. Start now, and at the very least, you will be able to come out of your hotel room and slip into the pool without making a huge splash.
Get started.
Pick exercises that you enjoy. Once you’re hooked on working out, you can strengthen your routine.
Make it a long-term goal.
Don’t expect miracles.
Gradually create an exercise plan that you will stick to during your vacation and long after you return home.
Set achievable goals.
For example, if you live at sea level and want to travel to the mountains, to take in nature, and you plan to ski, hike or mountain bike; be aware of what you are getting into.
High altitude can cause a lack of breath.
Plan your activities according to your energy level and refrain from attempting to ‘do it all' in one weekend.
If you have gotten out of shape, make up your mind to get back in shape. If you have read this far you can definitely do it.
Small goals bring big results.
Start with an exercise program that you really believe you can follow.
Buying a gym membership, and then feeling guilty because you don’t have the time, or desire, to go only benefits the gym. There are other ways to get in shape that don’t include spending money on gym memberships or exposing yourself to the gym jocks who show up there looking great already.
Walking and biking, can be enjoyed on your own. An exercise ball workout can be done at home in your sweatpants, until they fall right off your slender body.
Choose one thing that you can change in your physical activity every two weeks
Take the stairs.
Park at the far end of the parking lot.
Ride a bike (you’ll feel like a kid again).
Walk around the park. Small park? Go twice.
Get a fun workout or dance DVD.
Do it.
Choose one thing to change in your diet every two weeks (once a week if you are very motivated or in a really big hurry).
Give up soda.
Give up chips.
Give up ice cream and cookies.
Order small fries.
Don’t order the double double. Order the single-single or the skip it-skip it.
Try: I’ll have a salad without extra croutons, without extra blue cheese, and without a sizzling side of bacon bits.
Don’t panic. You can live without it.
But if not, you can always cut back to two heaping tablespoons of ice cream instead of two scoops and skip the sugar cone.
Have one cookie three times a week instead of three cookies every three hours.
The sweetness doesn’t have to be over; it can be managed with willpower that will grow as you begin to feel better!
Write your goal on your calendar, bathroom mirror, screen saver, or forehead.
Keep it simple.
Force yourself to do it.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t do it: just get moving. Go ahead; take a fifteen-minute exercise break. I’ll wait here.
I know this sounds easy. It is easy. The hard part is committing to it. Reconnect every morning by looking at yourself in the mirror and saying to yourself, “I am getting in shape today.”
Think about it this way:
How do you feel when you eat junk or fattening food?
How do you feel when you plop on the couch instead of talking a walk, or doing the work out DVD or exercise ball?
How do you feel when you come in from a brisk walk around the park, the scent of fresh air in your hair, your face flushed with the breath of life?
How do you feel when you hit the stop button at the end of the workout DVD, your muscles firm and confident?
Which feeling do you like better?
Decide How You Want to Feel.
Don’t go overboard, like quitting drinking cold turkey or never eating a hamburger or a potato chip again. Small steps turn into bigger steps and pretty soon, bags of chips or cookies will stop jumping off the grocery shelf into your shopping cart.
You’re going to walk right on by and never even notice those tempting bags of fat and calories as they miss your cart, and fall splat on the floor behind you.
Every time you think about losing weight, picture yourself completing the steps you have chosen for that week: breathe in and breathe out giving life to your new goal.
Take the Step.
When you have achieved one of your goals, breathe life into, take a deep breath, and say aloud: I have completed step one.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Continue for a week with step one, and then take another step. If you fall back into the old habit start over at step one or pick up where you left off. You don’t have to start over if it upsets you. Do continue forward.
Remember you make the rules. You stick to your rules.
Tell yourself: I have made up my mind. “I will not eat apple pie at midnight ever again.” Tell yourself: “I won’t do it, you can’t make me.”
Breathe in. Breathe out. This does need to be repeated.
It is Simple. Make it Simple.
One problem at a time.
Choose one solution.
Enable the solution.
Close your eyes.
Picture yourself completing this positive action.
Breathe in and breathe out repeatedly and calmly.
Feel yourself as light as air. You’re giving CPR, to the new you!
Practice until it sticks so well that you feel as if you have already accomplished your goal. Hint: you have.
Stress
Life is stressful. Duh, no secret there.
Breathing helps you focus on everyday tasks.
Let’s use driving the car as an example. It is important to breathe evenly and regularly while driving the car.
Try this on a long drive: First focus completely on the act of driving. Turn off the radio, turn off the iPod, and turn off the speaker system of noise in your head.
If possible, as soon as you get into the car loosen your waistband.
Make sure your seatbelt is comfortable too. You can be aware of your breath while driving, evaluate, and regulate your stress level.
If you’re driving with your hands in the ten-o’clock and two-o’clock positions take note if you can feel your breath on your hands from time to time and if so, why?
Are you exasperated, exhausted, tense? Are your breaths short or long?
Short breath can be a sign of impatience or stress.
Ragged breath can be a sign of anxiety or fear.
Release a Long Sigh
Inhale deeply, fill your abdomen with air, and exhale slowly.
Do this several times until you feel the grip of tension release from your chest. Be aware of the oxygen running around in your body making your organs and blood cells perk up and smile.
When you feel this release, relax your facial muscles, and your shoulders, and sit up straighter while pressing your lower back into the seat.
Visualize your breath traveling all the way down your legs to your feet.
If possible, while maintaining control of the car, spread or wiggle your toes.
Open the window, allow the outside air to ruffle your hair, don’t worry you can comb it again when you arrive at your destination. Or you can show up with that fresh wind-blown look and let them wonder what you’ve been up to.
Inhale the fresh air into your lungs and then release it out the window to mingle your breath with the universe.
If you happen to be traveling through an area during a bad air day, try the same exercise utilizing your vehicle’s air conditioning or fan system. Just be sure to remember to try the exercise another time when you find yourself in fresh air. Make it a point to find some.
Try to regulate your breathing to natural inhalation and exhalation by relaxing your shoulders–this should become as repetitive as breathing taking a few slow, deep breaths.
Then, focus your attention on the act of driving.
Get Rid of Annoying Thoughts and Concerns.
Tell them to get out. Say: “Get out you silly thought!”
Or, if there is an annoying person running around in your head, pestering your brain, insert the appropriate name: “Get out Tony. Get out Betty.”
Visualize that person physically getting out of the car, walking away, and leaving you alone, without even one nasty glance back.
Try to refrain from imagining that person being hit by a car; it defeats the stress reducing nature of the exercise.
Continue to pay attention to the road ahead, the condition it is in, the other cars, and how they are driving. Remember, the people in those cars also have problems, emotions, feelings, desires, and fears.
With each breath, imagine you are releasing the pent up emotion inside your mind, your muscles, your bloodstream, and your bones. Bones are people too.
Send positive energy. Allow it to emanate like a golden ray of light from your calm self to those you see around you.
Feel it bounce back and make you Smile!
On the Job
Has your job ever bothered you? No . . . ? Um ok, well you can skip this part.
Otherwise, allow me to share a story with you.
A while back, my friend Debbie, who was a stay at home mother at the time, and I, were discussing her options in seeking employment. She said she was reluctant to get a job because she didn’t want to be stressed out. Everyone she knew who worked complained about it.
My friend had worked before as a front desk receptionist at a hotel and didn’t like the feeling of pressure from her boss, co-workers, and the hotel guests, so she quit. But the time had come that she needed to go back to work because her husband had taken a pay cut at his job.
Her husband, Frank, had recently gotten a promotion. He went from a mechanic position to supervisor of the five other mechanics he had been working with for several years.
After only one month is his new position, Frank quit the supervisor job and went back to his old job, giving up a higher salary and benefits.
“Why would he go back?” I asked in disbelief.
“Well,” Debbie said, “he and his co-workers had all become friends. But, they treated Frank differently when he got his promotion. All of a sudden, he felt like an outsider. But worst of all, when Frank got home at night, he couldn’t relax. He sat down to watch TV and he would think about his job.”
So Frank quit and went back to his old job. And I don’t think he has thought about his supervisor job since.
The point of this story is: do what is best for you! Frank came to the conclusion that getting along with his friends was more important than work and money. Good for Frank for making a brave choice. And lucky for Frank, his wife supported his choice.
In a perfect world, we can all go home, put on our pajamas, and forget about our jobs!
Work is stressful. Life is stressful. You know that. We don’t have to talk about everything that stresses us out in our daily lives. That would be too stressful.
Let’s do a Relaxation Exercise
Sit up straight
Relax your shoulders
Relax your facial muscles
Close your eyes
Slowly pull your breath into your lungs all the way down into your tummy
Let it out slowly
Listen . . . for your breath. It’s the beautiful breath of life.
When you listen to your breath, you hear the essence of life.
Do this for several minutes, until you feel the rhythm of your breath and it feels completely natural.
Visualization
Imagine a pure, white, sandy beach. The ocean is a crystal-clear, blue expanse of water. A wave rolls gently onto shore, grabs the sand, pulling it backward for a moment, and then releases it to continue its journey out to sea. Again, the calm force of the ocean rises and falls, rolls into shore then releases, so does your breath.
Relax in the warm sun, feel the soft sand beneath you as you sit cross-legged on the deserted beach.
Feel the sea breeze embrace your warm skin, like the soft breath of life and water.
Imagine the sudden refreshment of a wave rolling over your head.
Please feel free to enjoy these soothing visualizations and exercises whenever you feel the need.
You can flash on this scene for a moment while you are waiting in line, when you are sitting in a meeting, or whenever you feel the need to retreat and comfort yourself.
To relax effectively you need to feel yourself. This has become a mantra of sorts lately, to live in the moment, be aware of even the most mundane moments.
When you have accomplished this, you will know how wonderful it feels, even for a fleeting moment. You also know it just isn’t possible to maintain an enlightened awareness for very long. You have to go there on purpose. Here are some ways that you can get there when you need to relax.
Light as a Feather Floating Freely
Get a feather, a piece of paper, or anything light.
Set it on the table.
Breathe in and out, watch it move.
Don’t hyperventilate; if it doesn’t move easily get something lighter.
Watch it move.
Hold your hands up in front of your face, close your eyes.
Breathe in and out: catch your breath in your hands.
Whenever possible, remind yourself to become aware by observing your breath, and watching your hands being hands, or your feet walking away with you. Here are fifteen ways to do that:
Remember your brain and heart need a constant supply of oxygen; breathe life into your vital organs while performing these exercises.
Awareness
In the shower, look at your hands washing your body.
Walking from one place to another. Look where your feet are going, avoid other people and telephone poles.
Sitting at your computer and checking email. See your hands typing, feel your breath.
Sitting at your computer Googling vacation spots. Notice your feet are ready to run off and pack.
When standing in line, balance on one foot. Make sure there is a shopping cart or some stable object nearby in case balancing is new to you. As amusing as it may be to onlookers, falling over and spastically taking the candy and gum display with you may disrupt the very sense of a balanced life that you are trying to achieve with this exercise.
When walking upstairs, for best results, follow your feet.
While listening to your loved ones, kids, friends, co-workers. Do some of these people make your breath heavier or lighter? Do your hands want to hug them or wring their neck? Do your feet have an urge to kick?
On your lunch break. How fast do your hands shove food into your face?
Right after your lunch break. Are you gasping for breath because you ate too much or too fast? (refer to Exertion Section above)
When entering a bar for an after work drink. Your feet are running, your hands are grabbing, and your breath is gasping and gulping. . .
When sitting down to dinner at a restaurant. A sigh of relief.
When sitting down to a dinner that you prepared, or when sitting down to a dinner that your loved one prepared. Is there a difference in your breath? Or maybe just your attitude.
Light a candle and watch it flicker. Blow it out and light it again. Practice for your next birthday cake.
Sing! In the shower, along with the car radio, iPod etc. Whenever possible, sing along.
Respond to the birds. (The original twitter).
Grief
Have you ever been so overcome with grief that you could not catch your breath?
It’s happened several times in my life when a loved one passed away and during other times of extreme loss.
This story is about how my son and I reacted to the death of his father.
When his father passed away, I made arrangements for my son to fly in from college. I picked him up at the airport and we had an hour’s drive to the location of the funeral service.
I could not inhale. I kept trying to pull some breath from my lungs. I dug so deep it hurt, and when I did get a breath out it sounded like a strangled whine.
This went on for thirty minutes before my son asked me what was wrong.
“I can’t breathe,” I said.
“Why?” my son asked.
“I’m upset, honey,” I said.
“What are you so upset about?” he said.
I stared at him in disbelief. “Well, your dad just died, honey.”
“Oh, is that what happens to you when someone dies?”
“Yeah, I guess it is.” I realized.
The next day, my son stood up at his father’s funeral and read a poem he had written for the service. He spoke calmly, with relaxed and easy breathing.
I watched him in amazement and wondered if, at twenty years old, he was still young enough not to realize the full impact of the situation.
Two months later, my son called from school. It was late at night and he was crying so hard he couldn’t talk. He finally choked out a couple of words that I could understand. “He’s not coming back. I can’t stand it.”
I took deep breaths and let them out slowly. I did this over and over until my son calmed down enough to hear me and imitate my breathing.
There is nothing funny about grief. I can’t make a joke about it. What I know is that when you are experiencing grief it is good to know that; unbelievably, as deep as the bottom is, there is still more room to fall. So let yourself go.
There is freedom and relief in free falling.
On Your Way to the Bottom
Find somewhere to be alone, to let yourself go, and scream.
Fall backward through nothingness.
Cry until you’re dry, then drink lots of water and cry some more.
Breathe into your sobs.
Take a shower and let the water pour over your head and mix with your tears.
Keep your mouth shut so you don’t choke. It happens.
If possible, go for a swim, see how long you can hold your breath, and enjoy the feeling of freedom when you come to the surface and inhale a healing breath.
The feeling of alienation from the unfamiliar world, while under water, is a great way to remind yourself to breathe deeply whenever you can.
Don’t resist the sadness. There is beauty in it. Find yours.
Ultimately, we must come to the realization that there is a difference between letting go of the pain and letting go of the person, or thing you have lost. The pain will subside.
The beloved soul, who shared this world with you, leaves behind their essence in the form of treasured memories. Carry those memories with you as a distinguished gift that is yours alone.
There are people you will never get over. You don’t want to. You don’t have to. Don’t try. But do honor their life by continuing your own. Remember them, talk about them, and keep them in the world by telling their story and sharing the pleasant memories with others.
Honor and respect your loved one by remembering their best moments, the things that made you laugh, and the things that made them laugh.
If you can, do visualization from the point of view of the beloved person who has passed on.
Look back and see those you left behind, struggling to catch their breath, sobbing without relief, all because they knew you, loved you, and will forever miss you. Perhaps there is some consolation there. And in that, there is great beauty.
Getting Dumped
There are other forms of grief of course. Once, I had a boyfriend who broke up with me. Can you believe that?
We had been madly in love for many years, so it came as quite a shock.
I found it difficult to breathe then too. But the good news, and in a case there is good news, was that I also found it difficult to eat. I would be very hungry and sit down to eat something and suddenly feel so heartbroken that my throat seized up and I couldn’t swallow. I literally had to spit the food out!
You can see where this is going. I lost weight. And I can happily report, I am completely over the guy.
Love can stop when it needs to. If that person doesn’t want to be with you anymore, has stopped caring about you, then why would you want them anymore?
Your time together has come to an end. Someone better suited for you beckons from the sunlit path that has just opened up before you.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but good times return when you welcome and expect them.
We can become grief-stricken over losing material items as well. Homes and possessions are lost in fires, floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, divorce, and financial ruin.
Losses accumulate over the years. It is essential that you restore yourself from disappointment in small increments on a daily basis to avoid nurturing them into long-term ailments.
Cheer Up
Take a bath and splash around with bubbles, like a kid.
Read a book that you can get lost in.
Make a smoothie and appreciate the healthy, fresh fruit.
Make a list of your accomplishments.
Plant flowers.
Play with Play-Doh.
Color pictures in a coloring book.
Dig a hole and bury something symbolic.
Throw out clutter.
Write a letter to Santa Claus or your fairy godmother. Be specific about what you need.
None of us is spared the pinnacles in life. The cycle of life is a natural element of nature.
Here is an exercise to remind you how alive you are right now.
Run Your Energy Exercise
Sit comfortably in a chair with your feet on the ground.
Close your eyes.
Breathe in slowly and deeply (as in let’s do a Relaxation Exercise above).
Breathe out through your mouth. Don’t hold back let all your air escape.
Repeat this breathing technique and bring your attention to your feet, feel them.
Imagine a golden-white light of energy, from deep within the center of the earth, coming up through the bottom of your feet.
Allow the golden energy to flow upward into your legs, through your knees, hips, pelvis, and abdomen, through your ribcage to your heart, where it lingers long enough for you to feel its healing warmth as it spreads over your shoulders, down your arms to your fingertips, and then continues up your neck to your face, your head, and to the ends of your hair.
The light flows out the top or your head where it continues outward and upward taking with it your energy combined with earth energy, all with the intention of connecting to the limitless sky above, and the universe that exists beyond time, space, and imagination, blessing your energy and returning it to you.
Fear
Another reason we sometimes find it hard to breathe is fear. I would like to lump fear and stress together but there are some times when fear is sudden and unexpected.
If you’re casually strolling down the street on a lovely, sunny day and an angry, salivating dog, the size of a car, decides to make you his lunch, this indeed could take your breath away . . .
By all means, catch your breath as quickly as possible and run!
Or perhaps, you find yourself a victim of elevator failure and you are forced to take the stairs into the parking garage. This happens in real life as often if not more than it does in movies.
So there you are, like a scene from a movie, forced to take the cold, concrete staircase in an effort to reach the comfort and safety of your car. Your breath becomes a little erratic.
You are afraid to take the stairs. Don’t take the stairs.
Your modern, rational mind may want to tell you that it is silly to fear the stairwell, but your innate caveman nature could very well know better. Listen to that nature. It is still with you for a reason.
There may not seem to be an alternative to taking the stairs, but if you think about it you should be able to come up with an idea or resolution such as finding a friend, family member, co-worker, security guard, or even under certain circumstances calling a police officer for assistance.
Trust Your Instinct
If you feel like something is wrong, it probably is. Did the hair stand up on the back of your neck? It happens to animals, it happens to people.
By no means become paranoid, but do pay attention to how your body reacts in certain circumstances. You are not being silly, you are responding to the same impulses and instincts that allowed our ancient ancestors to survive and evolve.
The Implied Threat is Real
In an article dated September 24, 2007, Jeanna Bryner, a staff writer for http://www.LiveScience.com expanded on a research paper published in the “Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.”
She states, “The article reveals that humans today are hard-wired to pay attention to other people and animals much more so than non-living things, even if inanimate objects are the primary hazards for modern, urbanized folks.”
In the caveman days, an important part of the environment was comprised of human and animal predators. The only possible method of self-preservation, in those days, was to keep an ever-watchful eye out for any and all potential predator threats to which early humans were exposed.
Bryner quotes team member Joshua New, of Yale University’s Perception and Cognition Lab. “Having this pop-out attentional bias for animals is sort of a vestigial behavior.”
Definition:
Vestigial (adj.) a trace or visible sign left, by something lost or vanished: also a minute remaining amount.
In other words, humans were programmed from the very beginning to spot another animal, human or beast.
The study goes on to say that basically we humans today are still programmed from thousands of years ago, as our ancestors, to be visibly drawn and quickly aware of animal life forms that we see as a potential threat to our safety and well being.
Bryner states this study as an example: “In the study, groups of undergraduate students from UCSB, watched images displayed on computer monitors. The flashing images alternated between pairs of various outdoor scenes, with the first image showing one scene and the next an alternate version of that scene with one change. Participants indicated each time when they detected a change.
The photographs included animate categories, such as people and other animals, as well as inanimate ones, such as plants, artifacts that can be manipulated (stapler or wheelbarrow) and fixed artifacts, such as landmarks ( windmill or house).
Overall, the subjects were faster and more accurate at detecting changes involving animals compared with inanimate objects. They correctly detected nearly 90 percent of the changes to “living” targets compared with 66 percent for inanimate objects.
In particular, the students spotted changes in elephant and human scenes 100 percent of the time, while they had a success rate of just over 75 percent for photos showing a silo and 67 percent for those with a coffee mug.”
Humans today may find it more efficient to notice a bus speeding toward them than an elephant or tiger charging, but rest assured; if you find yourself in the path of both the elephant and the bus; chances are greatly in your favor that you will get out of the way of the elephant.
Back to the Stairwell
You didn’t think I’d leave you pondering your next move in the scary stairwell did you?
If you absolutely must take the stairs and there is no one to accompany you and no alternative, you can use another tool of our ancestors.
Run amok, this can also be spelled amuck. It does not seem to be completely clear when or where this practice began, but it is traceable to India and Malay/Indonesian/ Filipino origins. The concept is based on an individual, a male, who suddenly and without probable cause grabs a weapon and runs screaming and thrashing into a crowd.
There are no known cases of women running amok, so come on ladies take a deep breath, grab a club, and start running!
Chances are your only weapon will be your briefcase or purse, but if you have your car keys, positioning them in a good eye-poking manner will help. Run down the stairs screaming at the top of your lungs until you reach safety.
If someone had been lurking in the shadows to attack you, your sudden and unexpected behavior will more than likely send him scrambling for cover. And if there was no sneaky thief ready to pounce, you have just provided some great entertainment to passersby.
Not only that, it’s great for the lungs, and it’s an effective and fun way to restore your sense of control in an out-of-control world.
Don’t be Afraid. Be Alert
Of course, there can be some very scary situations in life, but it is possible to maintain some control over them. If you are conscious, and maintaining your awareness in the present moment, many frightening and life-threatening situations can be avoided.
There are times when you can cruise around in an oblivious little bubble, at home in your pajamas for example, but even then you have to be careful not to trip over your big, floppy, fuzzy slippers.
Laughter
Everyone agrees that laughter is the best medicine. How great is it to get into a fit of uncontrollable laughter? Don’t you just love it? We all know it’s good for us but sometimes life isn’t that funny. Or is it?
Make it funny. There is funny stuff going on around you all the time. Don’t believe me?
Okay try this simple experiment. The next time you are walking down a busy street, stop and turn around quickly. . .
See! Everyone you just walked past is laughing, some are even pointing, and they are laughing and pointing at you!
No? Well, what if you were wearing a bright red clown nose, or giant ears?
Try It
Kids laugh an average of 400 times a day, adults about 15.
Bring laughter back into your life.
Watch funny TV shows and movies.
Read a joke book on the train, or on your lunch break.
Play a children’s board game.
Pay attention, people are really very funny whether they are wearing clown noses or not.
Sometimes just imagining your boss or spouse wearing a clown nose, or giant ears can be enough to lighten up a tense situation in your mind.
Laugh, rather than get upset, at absurd situations.
Once we realize the absurdity of life, we notice it everywhere.
Is everything you’re doing really that important?
Observe people lost in their self-importance. I promise you, you will soon be laughing at them, and yourself.
Sometimes you laugh so hard it’s difficult to breathe. Don’t worry it’s okay. A good belly laugh is good for:
Muscle relaxation.
Reduction of stress hormones.
Immune system enhancement.
Pain reduction.
Cardiac exercise (the next time you have a good laugh, put your hand over your heart you should see that is racing after only 15-20 seconds of laughter and for up to 3-5 minutes.)
Laughing has been referred to as “internal jogging.” And there is evidence that people with a good sense of humor get sick less often. Laughter can add funny years to your life.
A smile is a welcome sign. A laugh is contagious relief.
Sleep
You can breathe yourself to sleep. When you can’t sleep, practice the abdominal breathing techniques described above. Just listen to your breath, each and every one of them. Think only about breathing. Nothing else matters at bedtime except getting a good night’s sleep. If you drift into thought, bring your concentration back to your breath and only your breath. Count your breaths. Tomorrow will come, lying in wait for it won’t change anything. Allow yourself to fall asleep.
Good Night. See you tomorrow.
Chapter Two: Pain and Anger Hurt
"Catastrophe, it follows me, it seems to know where I’m gonna go.” — Catastrophe, Crash Encore
Do you feel angry or hurt right now? Good. You have come to the right place.
Let’s begin by discussing where pain comes from. Physical pain doesn’t always come from a disease, an accident, or an injury.
Of course, in many cases, physical pain is a direct result of injury or illness.
On the other hand, there are numerous studies devoted to the analysis of whether disease (dis-ease) or accidents are self-imposed. For example, psychosomatic symptoms can appear when we are exposed to relentless stress. This is when the mind and body work together in a negative way that makes you sick. How you ever watched a medical show on TV and then later felt like you had all the symptoms? Commercials are great at creating a medical problem and then offering to cure it with their product.
No one has to tell you what a huge industry pain is. The potential cures for all types of pain seem endless and, unfortunately, sometimes useless.
Pain, anger, and hurt can come from many sources such as serious physical disease, accidents, vitamin deficiency, poor diet, and lack of exercise, alcoholism, stress, not breathing properly, and maybe even a simple cloudy day.
I’m sure you’ll agree that we aren’t purposely trying to cause ourselves pain, but sub-consciously we might be.
A good friend of mine complained about a chronic sharp pain in her head. Of course, my first words of advice were for her to see a doctor. She went to a doctor; in fact, she went to two doctors. After several tests, they found nothing wrong with her.
One day I happened to be shopping with her when she stopped herself in mid-sentence to say she was feeling that sharp stab of pain in her head again. I was amazed because she had been right in the middle of an angry rant about how much her husband annoyed her.
“Wow,” I said. “Take a deep breath and relax. Are you really feeling that hateful toward Mikey?”
“I don’t hate Mikey,” she said.
When I reminded her what she had been saying about her husband she was mortified. “Oh my God. It’s really not that bad at all.” Then a big smile came across her face as she admitted that the pain in her head had suddenly vanished.
I advised her to breathe and smile more and complain less.
If you suffer from recurring aches and pains, and have ruled out medical causes, it is a good idea to pay attention to the sensations in your body, and allow them to disclose the source of the pain.
“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” – Aristotle
Hello Emotions
Emotional pain has been getting a lot of attention these days and for good reason. World events, in the past several years, have made us stop and take stock of ourselves. More and more of us are taking the time to think about our life choices and to ask thoughtful questions about our personal lives.
Is my job fulfilling enough?
Am I happy in my relationship?
Is this really what I want to do with my life?
How did I get here?
Why are the TV commercials always saying there is something wrong with me?
Every day we are reminded of how fleeting and fragile life is. It has become nearly impossible to walk around, in ignorant bliss, convincing ourselves that everything will be all right. It might not be all right and we know it. All you have to do is turn on the television for five minutes to be reminded of that.
Therefore, the first thing to do is turn off the TV every chance you get. Turn it off or switch to the comedy channel. (Refer to Laughter section in The Beautiful Breath of Life Chapter).
Often, without intending to do so, we harbor hurt feelings for months or even years. Eventually, these hurt feelings will pop-up as pain and anger, sometimes directed at our loved ones, the world, or ourselves. Emotion is a judgment about something.
Stress and anxiety are interchangeable in many people. They interact and play with each other in an often-debilitating way.
Who’s to say which it is, stress or anxiety? Which one instigates the other?
You’re stressed because you’re anxious or you’re anxious due to all the stress. Either way it’s not fun.
Ultimately stress and anxiety morph into anger and pain.
Pain has a shy twin named hurt.
We all have buttons in different places:
Where are yours? Who or what is pushing them?
Personally speaking, after years of armchair analysis on myself, I know my anger, anxiety, and stress come from hurt. As a child my feelings were hurt easily. I didn’t fit in. I preferred reading, or wandering alone in the woods with my dog, to playing with friends. While wandering alone in the woods my curiosity was stirred by nature. I read books about all aspects of nature and the animals that make the outdoors their home. Learning cheers you up.
Pets are wonderful companions and spiritual guides. Animals are great role models for coping and maintaining a patient attitude. Even a pet fish can show us how important adaptability and calm acceptance are to surviving in life.
When I was a kid, other kids picked on me sometimes.
This made me feel hurt and, by the time adolescence rolled around, angry. I retreated deeper into the woods and my own little world. It was a survival mechanism to escape the stress of everyday life. Now as an adult I still retreat to the wilderness every chance I get, to deal with stress and pain.
Trees never argue, they offer quiet reassurance, patient understanding, and unwavering acceptance.
Where does it Hurt?
Pick one of the relaxation exercises from the Beautiful Breath of Life Chapter, do it, and then ask, “Where does my pain come from?"
You may have to go far back into your childhood to find the answer, or it may be a superficial pain from a recent event. Even so, that recent event can probably be traced back to something that hurt you before.
It’s worthwhile to do some research into your own personality to better understand yourself and to help others to understand you too. Listen to your responses during your interactions with others to learn what provokes these responses.
Knowing why you react to certain situations in certain ways is critical in relieving the pain in your life. If you know how a particular situation is going to affect you, you can prepare yourself with relaxation techniques ahead of time.
I know that cloudy days frequently affect me in a negative way. As silly as it sounds now, when I was a child, cloudy days often brought rain and humidity causing my hair to frizz. Guess what happened? I was picked on even more. Now, I live where there is practically no humidity. So if I am feeling down I cannot blame it on my hair. But I do stop and ask myself if my bad mood is just a frizzy-hair-memory-response.
The embedded feeling of insecurity about frizzy hair, and the repercussions of it, is still sometimes enough to trigger a self-worth mechanism, and disrupt confidence decades into the future.
How to Pinpoint the Pain
Start by making a list of things that annoy you throughout the course of a single day.
Make time to stop every hour or so, and jot down situations and people that bother you.
Keep it brief but descriptive so you won’t forget later. If you do forget, by the way, then maybe that thing isn’t that annoying after all. It’s the repetitive stuff that we are trying to get at here.
For example we have all experienced the frustrating situation in the grocery store when no matter which line you choose that is the one that moves the slowest: someone needs a price check, or that customer’s ATM card won’t go through ... I know you’ve been there!
Some days that, and dozens of other things, annoy you more than others. Sure we all have bad days. We’re busy, we’re in a hurry.
Creating peace inside you when these inevitable situations occur is the path to a less painful life.
Have you noticed how dogs and cats will just wander off and take a nap when they’ve had enough?
Emotions help guide us in rational behavior.
The Pain List
Once you have a full list, and can think of nothing else to add, look for repetitions, and condense them into one big painful sentence. In a process of narrowing down what hurts you, you should be able to identify hurtful patterns.