DIARY OF A MAD GEN Y ER
BY
MARCUS DINO
COVER ART
BY BILLY BEANS
© Copyright 2009, Marcus Dino
PUBLISHED BY SUMMERTIME PRODUCTIONS AT SMASHWORDS
All Rights Reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without written permission from the author
WGA Registration no 1360788
ISBN no. 978-0-615-30500-4
Dedicated to all who are inspired by curiosity
Other books you may want to read by Marcus Dino
Fifi, Anything Goes in the Double Os
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/2364
(Paperback) published 2005, republished 2007 (Airleaf)
ISBN nos. 1-59453-602-3/978-1-59453-602-1/978-1-59453-602-3
(Hardcover) published 2007 (iUniverse)
ISBN no. 0-595659-38-1
Available at www.summertimeproductions.net
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PART 2: MY SILLY STORIES
INTERVIEW WITH MR Z FROM THE ENTERTAINER
A CELEBRATION OF YULE
IF I LIVED DURING THE 9S (BESIDES 2009)
IT WAS A GRAVEYARD SMASH
AHHH DO DECLARE BIFF
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?
GROOVY IT’S ’68 ALL OVER AGAIN
I DON’T WANT HER TO ASSOCIATE WITH BOHEMIANS
MY EXPERIENCE WITH A COP
WELL OF COURSE YOUR ARE
CARNABY STREET- CIRCA 1967
A TRIP INSIDE THE BODY
GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE
THERE ARE GHOSTS IN THIS WORLD
THE PROCESSING PLACE
EEEEEEK IT’S THE SIX HEADED FLYING GIANT ANT
I RUN THIS SHIP
SHAKE A LEG FIFI
THAT APPLE SURE LOOKS TASTY
THE ASTRO OLYMPICS
THE ASTRO OLYMPICS (PART TWO)
THE 25S
SURPRISE
LOVE ITALIAN STYLE
A VISIT TO THE KINGDOM OF SUMON
THE OTHER PLANET
DINOSAURS THAT PLAY THE HARP
PART 3: MY SILLY POEMS
PART 4: MY SILLY BLOGS……’FIFI’S THOUGHTS’
PART 5: FLIFI’S THOUGHTS AND TIPS
PART 1
INTRODUCTION
Perseverance, that’s what my name is. This compilation of stuff about my daily struggles, adventures, and thoughts, through blogs, short stories, and silly poems, well that’s what my game is. You people want to read these silly stories, poems, and blogs, well that’s up to you. You people think “Nah this is just more silly stuff coming out of Fifi’s head. You think, I’d rather buy that lottery ticket that I get in the email which says, “Congratulations you have already won the Scottish/Ugandan lottery of 5 million pounds, just ‘purchase’ the lottery ticket with your winning number on it and give us all your personal information and we will send you a cashier’s check.” Some of you would rather walk your pet boa constrictor or pet tarantula around the block than read my stories, well that’s up to you.
I will tell you that life is short and perhaps we only get one shot to live on God’s green Earth, after that kaput! Of course you will meet your good friends or loved ones at the pearly gates when the time comes and they’ll ask you “Did you ever read Diary of a Mad Gen Yer when you were down on Earth? It’s one of the silliest books I’ve ever read,” and you’ll answer…regretfully…“Well you know, my pet boa constrictor got rather impatient and I always needed to walk him…I just never had time to read that kind of nonsense…”
Ok for you people who are continuing on and reading this third paragraph and who are still interested; let me tell you about me. Now if any of you have read my previous novel Fifi, first published in 2003, then republished into paperback in 2005, you’ll know who I am. However for people who have never read about me, well I’ll introduce myself, I mean I always have to keep introducing myself in show business to ‘make connections’ so I’m used to doing this stuff.
Oh, by the way, before we get started I wish to mention that moi, Fifi Larouche, not Marcus is the true author of this book about me, Marcus while he is a real nice fellow, is nothing but a ‘glorified typist.’ I’m like a ‘guide’ and I go into Marcus’s ‘right cerebrum’ and tell him how to write, what to write, whatever…I mean if he were to write the story he would probably write, “See Dick and Jane and Fifi go up the hill and down the hill and”…I don’t think you people would be interested in that style of writing.
I call myself a ‘mad gen y er’ but I’m kind of…an ‘anti gen y er’…I mean I have a steady job…I’m not much into partying…I go to church…I actually like listening to music that makes sense…you know like from the seventies…I would rather speak to someone on the phone as opposed to ‘text message’ someone or do ‘social networking,’ people are thus surprised that someone my age can speak the English language fairly well, and that, at least at this point, I don’t have a cell phone or MP3 player implanted in my ear.
Diary of a Mad Gen Yer is not just a diary but as I said before a collection of all my writings and adventures…I guess the ‘diary parts’ of this book are my blogs that are in Section 4.
I, Fifi, am the narrator for all the ‘first person’ stories with the exception of ‘Kingdom of Sumon’ where Marcus the glorified typist, is the narrator. Flifi narrates her blogs.
All right let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Cheryl ‘Fifi’ Larouche. I’m a struggling ‘Gen Y’ actress who came from Des Moines, Iowa to Los Angeles looking for that big break, like a hundred million other girls and guys. Meanwhile, I have a lovely job working as a waitress in a greasy spoon coffee shop. Now if you people want to read how I got to LA or why I wanted to be an actress or if somehow miraculously I made it big, then you’ll have to read Fifi. ‘Mad Gen Yer’ deals only with stories during my life as a struggling actress, you know like a ‘prequel’ or maybe it’s more of an ‘equel’ since the stories occur during the middle of the time period for Fifi. Also don’t get concerned about dates; I’m around 25 and like 25 forever. Keep in mind unlike you people I’m a fiction character so I can go ‘back and forth’ in time anytime I want.
Before I introduce other characters I want to tell you that everybody calls me ‘Fifi’ and not ‘Cheryl.’ If some people think that’s a silly name and should only be given to French Poodles then pooh pooh on them. In my opinion Fifi is a hundred times catchier than Cheryl and in Hollywood to get noticed you need a catchy name.
OK let’s introduce my costars in my silly adventures that take place in this book:
Fifi: “Let’s first meet Biff, “Biff you want to tell these people a little bit about yourself?”
Biff: “Greetings people, I’m Fifi’s on-again off-again boyfriend Biff, unlike Fifi I’m a cool, surfer dude type but I’m also am a struggling actor and I program software on the side.”
Fifi: “I know you can do better than that Biff. He’s so modest, just as long you’re not seeing other ladies like did before you met me Biff …”
Biff: “But we agreed we could date other people Fif…”
Fifi: “That’s enough Biff. Now meet the smartest person I ever met, my good friend and fellow alien Alocki. I mean between you and me, I don’t even see an Earthling doctor for medical checkups. She’s ten times more knowledgeable about the human body than any doctor I ever met. This lady with all her fancy medical equipment checks me up for free. Being a poor waitress I save a ton of money on medical bills and outrageous health insurance deductibles. Alocki, these people want to know what planet you came from.”
Alocki: “I am from the planet Zatoris which circles the nearest star to the sun, Alpha Centauri B.”
Fifi: “So, like, you told me there are several stars in the Alpha Centauri system, huh?”
Alocki: “That is correct Fifi. Let us say that my partner Helos and I were able to travel through time warps in the universe to get from my planet to yours. That is why not much of your earth time passed during our travels. Let us say we are way more advanced than you Earthlings and have a very good understanding of quantum physics and relativity.”
Fifi: “Not to mention you people are like way ahead of us in things like genetics. This lady must be like a thousand-Earth-years-old and she could pass for her mid-thirties.”
Alocki: (laughing) “I am older than the ‘mid-thirties’ but I am not a thousand- Earth-years-old. Yes we do have a good understanding of DNA and human genetics.”
Fifi: “Next we have my alter ego fairy from the alternate Earth, Flifi. Unlike those fairies that just fly around and care only about themselves, Flifi cares about and wants to help people. Flifi looks like a regular fairy with little wings but she also has a little stinger on her tail. You want to tell these people about that stinger on your tail Flifi?”
Flifi: (flying up to Fifi with her little wings) “Of course Fifi, I try to give people good advice, you know like sound investment or health advice. I throw pixie dust on people who follow my advice and sting them when they don’t. My stings don’t really hurt, they just kind of itch, so when people start itching that means I’m stinging them because they’re doing something wrong…”
Fifi: “Thank you Flifi…” All right you people you met some of my fellow characters. There are a lot of other interesting characters you’ll see or I’ll mention in these stories coming up. People like my arrogant father, Charles, who’s a college professor and who thinks I’m wasting my education by having a BA degree in Fine Arts from a top liberal arts school. He thinks I should get a ‘real job’, like a banker, not waste my time in La-La Land. Then there’s my elegant mother Carolyn, who is a middle school assistant principal, my kid sister Pigg who happens to like…pigs, my brilliant carefree Uncle Jack, who’s kind of like Father’s opposite, and my grandma whom I always like talking to about what the old days were like. Finally there’s my high powered but can’t get me a role agent, Jerry, my stuck-up long legged bimbo actress rival Kerry Krowley, my good friend and roommate, Marissa and her lawyer boyfriend, Alberto, and Alocki’s companion, Helos who’s like the second smartest person I know, but…omigosh…he’s a bit too smart if you know what I mean…shoes untied…hair uncombed…all left cerebral…all left cerebral…”
So, enjoy first ‘my silly stories’, followed by ‘my silly poems’, followed by ‘my silly blogs’, followed by alter ego Flifi’s blogs and if after all this you think well no wonder why Fifi can’t get her act together and land herself a big time Hollywood role, look how silly she is, well then all I can say is BOOLAH, BOOLAH, BOOLAH TO YOU…
PART 2
MY SILLY STORIES
INTERVIEW WITH MR Z FROM THE ENTERTAINER
INTERVIEW WITH FIFI LAROUCHE UP AND COMING ACTRESS
JULY 4
Mr. Z – “Good evening folks, hope you're all having a wonderful 4th of July. I have an up and coming actress who currently works as waitress but feels she's got what it takes to be the next queen of Hollywood. Her name is Fifi Larouche. Fifi how are you?”
Fifi – “I'm fine. It sure as heck is hot is here in Van Nuys, must be close to a hundred degrees. Starting to remind me of the oven-like conditions we had last year. I spent the 4th just lying by the pool to cool off.”
Mr. Z – “I'm glad you had a nice cool 4th. Now we all know you from your popular blog Fifi's Thoughts. But you just told me off the air if you can't make it as an actress you'd like to be a big name pop star. Tell me why you want to make it in the music world and what are your qualifications?”
Fifi- “Well Mr. Z my qualifications are that I've been singing and dancing as long as I've been acting. I mean I took singing and dancing lessons when I was a kid back in Des Moines. I always was a member of my high school and college glee clubs. I mean, I look at the mediocre pop singers we see today and feel I could hum a tune just as good as any of them.”
Mr. Z – “Very interesting. So you're not really a fan of the state of entertainment we have today in the 00s.”
Fifi – “Mr. Z, ‘King of the Toilet Films’ is a blockbuster. ‘Stupid and Dumb’ reality show and ‘Wannabe Idol’ are on top of the Nielson ratings, ‘Who or what Group’ is on top of the billboards with their hit ‘Incomprehensible and No Rhythm at All.’ Finally ‘Makes me Bored and Sleepy’ is the number one bestseller. So yes I don't have a very favorable impression of entertainment and culture in the 00s.”
Mr. Z - (chuckling) “You recently said that comparing culture in the 20th century to culture in the 21st century is like having the Middle Ages or even the Stone Age follow the Renaissance.”
Fifi- “Well I'm sorry I may be a bit retro in my thinking, but I can't find anything really exciting in the entertainment world today.”
Mr. Z – “Except for you of course, is your way of thinking sour grapes because you’re getting turned down for auditions by all these young Gen Y and Gen X producers, directors, and casting agents, some who are not much older than you?”
Fifi – “Absolutely not Mr. Z, I mean if I had nothing to do with show business, you know, if I wanted to go to law school or something, I would still have the same opinion. I mean I really love pop music and old movies and TV shows and the thing that’s missing with the entertainment today is you just don't see any of the imagination and originality with the artists today that you saw with the old artists.”
Mr. Z – “So you're a fan of some of the old time singers. Give me some of your favorite singers or groups.”
Fifi- “Oh there's so many. I loved those funky British groups like the Beatles, the Hollies, and Bananarama. But I also love a lot of the American groups like the Mommas and Poppas, Sly and the Family Stone, and The Go Gos.”
Mr. Z – “So you love all kinds of styles of music eh?”
Fifi – “Oh absolutely.”
Mr. Z – “Fifi you're making me feel old. The artists from Bananarama and the Go Gos are younger than me.”
Fifi – “Well that's how it is; we all have to get old. I mean one day I'll reach 30.”
Mr. Z (shaking his head) “Ahh if only I was 30 again. Anyway Fifi I wish you luck in all your future endeavors, for some reason I have a feeling you're going to make it as a big name actress or a big name singer in the very near future.”
Fifi – “Thank you Mr. Z, I have no doubt in my mind I will make it. I mean a year from now I plan to sing and jump and dance like all these other ‘pop stars’ at one of these big 4th of July concerts after I sign a big record deal.”
A CELEBRATION OF YULE
TO CELEBRATE THE FESTIVAL OF THE ‘WINTER SOLSTICE’
I'm rubbing my shoes. I'm rubbing my shoes. I'm rubbing my shoes…and I wake up and I'm like, in this big ‘town hall’ sitting at a large table with all these people dressed in like ‘medieval clothing’ and in front of me plates and plates full of delicious food.
Well of course sitting next to me are my good friends Alocki who’s from the planet Zatoris and is the smartest person I ever met, and my on-again off-again boyfriend Biff.
“Okay you two what kind of crazy dream are we in now? Looks like medieval England with all these men walking with their beards and wearing heavy woolen clothing and all these women wearing these heavy woolen dresses.”
Alocki smiled at me. “It is more like medieval Scandinavia Fifi. We are celebrating the festival of Yule...circa 1009 AD.”
“YULE you mean Christmas.”
Biff, who was wearing kind of a scraggly beard, shook his head and chuckled at me. “Nah Fifi, this is the Pagan ritual of Yule, before they mixed it up with that fictional birth of a mythical Jesus and called it Christmas.”
“All right Biff, there you go again with your atheist ‘naturalist’ views. I don't want to argue religion with you tonight. We do enough of that and we can do that some other time. It really looks like a nice feast, even if it is Pagan.”
“This is where Christmas came from Fifi,” Biff explained. “Yule is the festival of the Winter Solstice; you know when the Earth's axis is furthest away from the sun, around December 21. All the traditions the Christians ‘took’ came from the Yule ceremonies celebrated by these people, I think they're Swedish, centuries before Christmas became a Christian holiday. Like that big tree behind us, the Yule Tree which we now call the Christmas tree.”
I looked behind me and I saw like, the largest pine tree you could imagine. It was decorated with candles and holly and mistletoe and all kinds of stuff. “Omigosh, that's the largest Christmas tree I've seen outside of Rockefeller Center in New York.”
“A big ‘Yule’ Tree Fifi,” Biff corrected me.
“Biff you atheists and pagans can call it Yule. I call it Christmas. So why aren't these men looking like Hagar the Horrible with horned Viking hats?”
Biff and Alocki laughed. “Fifi we're inside,” Biff said. “The men probably have their helmets outside.”
A large man with a red beard, who looked like the actor Brian Cox, headed toward us. “Welcome my good friends, I'm King Olaf of Oslo. Welcome to the celebration of Yule. After dinner we will all be exchanging gifts under the tree? And who might you all be and where are you from?”
“Well King Olaf of Oslo, I'm Fifi of Des Moines,” I answered. “This is Biff of Los Angeles and finally we have Alocki of Zatoris. We're from the year 2009 and we're kind of in a dream so we can go back in time. We wanted to see what people lived like in 1009. So you have all the same traditions that we have when we celebrate Christmas huh?”
King Olaf gave me a curious stare. “I'm sorry my dear Fifi of Des Moines, I have never heard of the term Christmas.”
Biff snickered next to me, “I told you Fifi.”
King Olaf gave a jolly laugh. “All in good nature, all in good nature, please all of you enjoy your feast. In a short time we will exchange the gifts.” He walked away to mingle with others.
The succulent smell of the food was tantalizing to my nostrils. I looked at what the people were eating. There were different kinds of fish: haddock, salmon and mackerel. There was goose and beef. There was cabbage and wild berries and mushrooms. Servants constantly came by and put food onto my plate.
“I'm used to having ham during Christmas,” I muttered to no one in particular.
A girl came by carrying a plate holding a large boar including its head.
“Boar anyone?”
“There's your ham Fifi.” Alocki joked.
“Funny Alocki, ah, no thank you.”
I looked down at my wooden plate full of delicious food and noticed something was missing. No silverware and no napkins. “Where the heck are my fork and knife and I don't see any napkins?”
Biff and Alocki looked at me while they were eating, smiled and shook their heads.
“Remember Fifi this 1009.” Biff answered. “People didn't use silverware. They used their hands. As for napkins, well...they used their clothes.”
“So absolutely disgusting and unhygienic,” I complained as I picked up some haddock with my hands and ate it. “No wonder why these people lived only thirty or forty years. Thank God I'm living in 2009 instead of 1009.”
“Yeah we're living in great times,” Biff responded. “We're putting billions of tons of pollutants in our air and oceans daily. At least they had polar ice back in 1009.”
I snapped at Biff, “I said we'll talk politics later on Biff. I want to enjoy this meal.”
I looked at my cup and noticed it was filled with a dark brew. “What kind of stuff is that? It has such a strong pungent odor.”
A lady sitting across from me who looked like she could play fullback for the Bears and looked like one of those ‘Valhalla’ opera stars laughed. “It is our Norwegian yuletide ale. Please drink.”
“All right bottoms up.” I drank the brew real fast and grimaced. “Phew that stuff is strong. My face is starting to burn.”
Biff and Alocki looked at me and laughed. “Fifi you look like a red tomato, you're a real teetotaler.”
Everything started to spin and get fuzzy like. “Omigosh, I’m going blind,” I yelped.
The next thing I know I'm waking up in my warm Van Nuys apartment bedroom with my heater spinning back and forth, back and forth. I sit up on my bed and rub my eyes. “So when Christmas comes and I do all these traditional things...I'll know what it's all about.” Then I went back to sleep.
IF I LIVED DURING THE 9S (BESIDES 2009)
I happen to be one of those silly, rich flapper girls and unlike my real daddy, my dream daddy has a lot of money, so I don't have to work as say, a struggling waitress. In a few days I'm actually going to audition for the lead role in some movie about planes called Wings. Anyway I'm looking at the local Hollywood rag and I read about some fella named Lindbergh who flew one of those 'flying machines' across the Atlantic from New York to Paris. I just can't imagine anybody flying in one those things. I'd much rather take a train or boat, knowing trains or boats don't crash. Omigosh, my dream daddy just called me on the phone to tell me he lost his money when the stock market crashed today…
Fifi in the year 1949
I am working at a local coffee shop as a waitress and I'm waiting to be discovered by one of the Hollywood talent agents who frequent this shop. I'm sorry, but I heard a few ‘unknowns’ like Marilyn Monroe and Lana Turner were recently discovered at places like coffee shops or ice cream parlors. I think I'm just as talented as any actress around today so when will I get discovered? Omigosh, a wolf-like sailor tried to make a pass at me. I’m sorry sailor boy, you may have helped win the war, but the next time you make a pass at me you’ll be having a tough time going to the bathroom.
Fifi in the year 59 AD
I'm the daughter of a wealthy Roman nobleman again my dream daddy is rich. Well I also secretly happen to be one of the early Christians and I just told my rich nobleman father that I had to visit the province of Judea to see where a man named Jesus lived a few years earlier. My nobleman father gave me permission and I took one of the local galleys to Judea. Yes I had an entourage of slaves, but slaves were sadly part of life back then and I treated my slaves real nice and gave a lot of them their freedom.
Fifi in the year 1969
Back to more modern times, I just came back from the Woodstock Festival. I just can't imagine the ways those people were acting like over there. I mean they were walking around like zombies and told me they were ‘high’ on some psychedelic drug called LSD. A few of them offered that garbage to me and I said “Absolutely not, you can mess up your brain but don't expect me to mess up mine.” And they told me, “Hey man…I’m just taking a trip, just like Neil Armstrong took a trip to the moon last month.” I did like the music though. Especially a fella named Jimmy Hendrix, who played a real mean guitar and a group with a girl, Janice Joplin, who had a deep, powerful voice with a group called ‘Big Brother and the Holding Company.’
Fifi in the year 1009 BC
I am a rich Egyptian princess sitting in my palace by the Nile. Again, unlike in real life I have a rich daddy here so I don't have to be one of those ‘slaves’ like am in the 21st century working as a waitress. Also it's a lot cooler out here in the Egyptian desert in 1009 BC than it is in my modern day Van Nuys apartment because my palace is located by the Nile and I get those cool river breezes. Since I'm already a rich and famous princess I don't have to audition to be one of the actresses in the local plays. I get to watch them, and even better I get a private performance. No trying to find a seat in a dingy theatre packed with people when you're a rich Egyptian princess.
Fifi in the year 3009
Yes I'm actually living in the future and I'm living on Mars not Earth, because Earth is like, a dead planet because of nuclear wars and pollution and stuff like that. All the people and animals are now living on Mars and Mars is getting quite crowded. I'm living near the big extinct volcano called Olympus Mons and I'm heading to the Olympus Mons beauty parlor via solar powered monorail to get my hair and nails done. I have to wear an oxygen mask wherever I go because the air is a lot thinner on Mars than it was on Earth when it was habitable.
Fifi in the year 1609
Well now, here I am working as a London bar girl (I am a decent girl not ‘that kind’ of a bar girl). Anyway, I went to the Globe Theater and told the brilliant Mr. Shakespeare that I believe I have a lot of acting talent and would like to audition for one of his plays. Well he told me that only males were allowed to be actors, the nerve of that Mr. Shakespeare and all those other male chauvinists who lived at the time. I’m just as talented as any male actor. Oh well, I'm not sure if I wanted to live in post Renaissance London anyways. It’s quite filthy I mean people threw sewage out on the streets. There were no flush toilets back then.
Fifi in the year 1979
I just came back from one of these local discos out here on Sunset Blvd. I really enjoyed dancing and listening to some of those groups and singers like KC and the Sunshine band and Donna Summer but a few of the people there wanted to offer me some white garbage called cocaine. I'm sorry, I told those people, like I told people at that Woodstock Festival, I don’t do drugs.
Well the next thing you know I wake up in my stifling Van Nuys apartment as my air conditioner does not work and it’s 2009 again and I realized it was all a dream and I have to go to my waitress job. But it was a nice dream.
IT WAS A GRAVEYARD SMASH
GOOBLINS AND GOBLINS AND GHOSTS AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF. I'M MORE INTO THE REAL STUFF WITH REAL GHOSTS AND IS HALLOWEEN A CHRISTIAN OR PAGAN THING?
It’s Halloween night and I’m watching a really bad 00s Halloween horror flick and I'm constantly getting off of my couch every few minutes to serve a bunch of noisy kids pounding my door yelling “TRICK OR TREAT! TRICK OR TREAT!” I can't imagine so many kids coming to my apartment complex in Van Nuys. Hardly any kids live in my apartment complex but they sure like to come to my place and get some free candy. Some of those kids are quite big too. I'm sorry but if I see a big boy or big girl I tell them you're a bit too old to go trick or treating so you can play a trick on me because I'm not giving you any candy. What are we talking, maybe 14 or 15 year olds? I'm not into giving candy to a teenager who can get a part time job and buy candy for himself or herself. Not to mention it's like a little past ten o’clock. What in heaven’s name are parents having these kids go trick or treating this late at night for? Anyway, I kind of drift off to sleep because the movie is so horrible and of course a little while later I hear pounding at the door. I take a look at my watch. It says eleven o’clock. “That’s it,” I mutter to myself. “I need to get my beauty sleep so I can get up early the next morning to go to my retreat. I’m gonna read these kids the riot act and tell them they are violating every curfew law imaginable and they are not getting any treat.”
As I open the door I see four people all of whom I recognize, dressed in silly Halloween costumes, Biff my boyfriend dressed as a vampire, Alocki dressed as a bug eyed alien, of course Alocki is a real alien from the planet Zatoris and she looks just like us. Alocki’s professor friend from Throop, Dick, who looks like Jude Law and who is dressed like, well a stereotypical professor or mad scientist, with big horned rimmed glasses and a trench coat, and lastly, Marissa, my roommate, dressed up like a princess.
“Fifi”, Biff shouted, “we’re all going to a big party hosted by my friend who lives in Chatsworth. It’s Halloween night! No reason to be sitting around watching TV like some old lady. On top of that tomorrow is Saturday. Come on and join us.”
I just stood there with arms folded. “I told you I’m going to my big retreat up near Big Bear early tomorrow morning. I can’t stay up late. I need to get my beauty sleep.”
“Oh come off it Fifi,’ Dick answered. “You're still young. You can handle getting by on just a few hours sleep. We're gonna have a jolly old time at Biff’s friend's place and you don't want to miss it. Biff’s friend is a retired wealthy software developer and owns a mansion right Biff?”
“Right Dick,” Biff answered. “So Fifi are you coming?”
“All right, all right I'll go for a little while. Maybe for an hour or so, who do I go with? Oh for heaven’s sake I don't have a costume or anything…”
“You can go with Marissa and me in my Merga, Fifi.” Alocki answered. “Dick, you and Biff can go up in Biff’s car.”
“You people also forget this is a costume party. I mean it's a bit too late to go to any costume store right now. So what I do I do? Put some holes in a bed sheet and go as a ghost?”
“You’re a struggling actress, Fifi” Biff said. “Play yourself.”
"Excuse me I need to get something,” I told my guests and left them waiting at the door for a few minutes. I came back wearing an old blue t-shirt that said HOLLYWOOD on it in bright gold lettering.
“All right, I’m a struggling actress. Let’s go and like I said let’s make this short. I want to be back no later than 2 AM.”
As we headed up to Biff’s friend's place Marissa turned to me. “So Fifi what kind of retreat are you going to. You never really told me. Is it like a Buddhist retreat or something like that?”
“You know I'm not a Buddhist Marissa. It's a retreat where, well, I have a chance seeing what an ‘Out of Body’ experience is like. I also may get to see people who passed on like my long dead grandfathers.”
Both Alocki and Marissa stifled laughter. I glared at both of them in silence.
“I'm sorry Fifi,” Alocki answered quietly. “You are participating in a noble cause and I appreciate anyone pursuing noble causes.”
“So why are you two laughing at me as though I’m some kind of quack?”
“You are not a ‘quack’ Fifi.” Alocki answered. “Again Marissa and I appreciate that you are undertaking this noble cause. It's just that there is no scientific or physical evidence of anyone ‘leaving their body’ or meeting anyone who has passed on.”
“Well I'm gonna prove you skeptics and atheists you're all wrong. I mean I read all kinds of stories on the net about people who have gone on retreat with these people and they all say they have had the most profound experiences in their lives.”
“Alocki and I are just wishing the all the best for you Fifi. It's just that there are a lot of con artists and we hope you're not being taken.”
“Look Marissa, we can all now agree that Alocki is an alien from another planet. But if we told some expert atheist like Alocki's big-mouthed friend Dick, he would just laugh at us right? So if UFOs and aliens are real why can’t astral travel and OBEs be real?”
Alocki and Marissa both laughed. “You're right Fifi, you're right.” Marissa answered.
After about 45 minutes we arrived at Biffs’ friend's place. It's an eerie looking old mansion in the middle of nowhere. A lot of people wearing all kinds of silly looking costumes are going in and out of the mansion. The music, a mixture of oldies rock and today's music, is really loud but as there are no nearby neighbors, nobody's worried about the police coming.
The door makes a loud creaking sound when it opens, and we are greeted by an ugly deformed man. “My name is Ogar. My master will be here to meet you in a few minutes.”
“You're probably the handsomest looking hunk in the world behind that silly costume right?” I jokingly tell Renfro.
“OF COURSE I AM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” Ogar answers.
After a few minutes we're greeted by a very distinguished looking sixty-something gentleman who looks, Omigosh, like a certain famous English horror actor back in the 30s and 40s. I mean the guy was the spittin’ image…”
The gentleman smiles at us. “Good evening ladies I’m your host. My name is Ludwig. Welcome to my ‘Monster Bash.’ Biff has told me all about you. You’re Marissa, you’re Alocki and…”then he looks at me, “your name is Fifi, like the name of a cat. I have a fondness for cats…especially black cats…”
“Alocki and I are gonna look for Biff and Dick, Fifi. We’ll see you later. Nice meeting you Ludwig,” Marissa casually interrupted.
"Nice meeting you two girls," Ludwig responded. His voice got quiet but I could clearly hear him over all the party noise.
I stayed on and continued my conversation with Ludwig. “Well I’m so glad you think my name is like that of a cat.” I mockingly shouted to Ludwig over the party noise. “I happen to be a cat lover too.” In reality cats are one of my least favorite animals. “By the way, you look just like the spitting image of…well you know who…tell your make-up artist he or she did an unbelievable job. Not only do you look like him, you talk just like him too.”
Ludwig smiled at me. “I'm not wearing any disguise. I just happen to look and talk like the...famous actor you mentioned.”
“Omigosh, you could make a killing appearing at all kinds of functions impersonating him.”
“Yes dear girl I could make a killing but I much more enjoyed being a software developer. I made a lot of money in stock options and now I'm retired. My hobbies now are collecting stamps and traveling.”
The next thing I know I see a huge bat flying over everybody and everybody is like screaming. The bat flies up into the rafters, “Omigosh,” I shout to Ludwig, “That is so neat. You’ve actually got a pet bat”
"Of course I've got a trained bat dear girl," Ludwig answered as he took a sip of his drink.
The next thing I know someone taps me on the shoulder. I look behind me and see the spitting image of...another famous vampire."
"Fifi this is my best friend Gothar...He's a retired neurosurgeon." Ludwig softly told me.
Gothar stared at me and pointed two fingers at his eyes. “LOOK INTO MY EYES FIFI. LOOK INTO MY EYES.” I mean the fella talked just like the ‘other famous horror actor,’ Eastern European accent and everything.
I looked into his eyes. I looked into his eyes and the next thing I know I’m back at my Van Nuys apartment and I hear pounding at the door. “Omigosh,” I tell myself. “It was just a darn dream.” I answer the door and guess what? I see my four friends dressed in the same costumes as they were dressed in my dream.
“Fifi”, Biff shouted, “we’re all going to a big party hosted by my friend who lives in Chatsworth. It’s Halloween night! No reason to be sitting around watching TV like some old lady. On top of that tomorrow is Saturday. Come-on and join us.”
I just stare at them a few seconds and shake my head.
“What is on your neck Fifi? Did you cut yourself?” Alocki tells me.
“What?”I answer and touch the left side of my neck. “Omigosh, where did those two little holes in my neck come from?”
AHHHH DO DECLARE BIFF
I REALLY CAN ACT PEOPLE. I REALLY CAN. I REALLY CAN
So, my good friend and fellow struggling actor Biff and I are sitting at Joe's Diner in Studio City sipping a couple of milkshakes and discussing another tantalizing class we just took at Charlotte Evans acting school. You older people remember Charlotte? She was a darn good character actress who made a lot of those ‘Blackexplotation’ movies made in the early 70s that I absolutely love like ‘Superfly’ and ‘Shaft.’
Anyway, I'm looking at Biff and telling him while Charlotte's a great teacher and I really enjoy learning things like 'The Method' I really don't understand taking any acting class to get a role. I mean I studied fine arts in college and I’ve been in so many plays in both high school and college.
Biff chuckled, “First Fifi, Jerry said you need to take more classes to polish your craft. He thinks you're rough around the edges. Second, there are a million actors in this town who were the stars in their high school and college plays. What makes you think you're any better than them? It's like the major leagues Fif. I was a pretty darn good baseball player back in high school. There were a million superstar high school and college players but only 700 or so major leaguers. The same thing in Hollywood, a million top amateurs, yet maybe a few hundred or so stars that made it to the top.”
I sipped my delicious vanilla milkshake and just snickered. “Biff you are so pessimistic.” I pointed my finger at my chest. “I know I've got as much talent as any young actor or actress walking the streets of Hollywood today. Unlike those lucky people because of connections and other things I just haven’t got my ‘Big Break’ yet.”
I put my milkshake to the side and stood up, looking down at Biff. As Biff and I were the only ones there and the restaurant employees didn't mind, I didn't have to worry about putting on a ‘spectacle.’ “Charlotte was showing us to improvise. I don’t need anyone to show me how to improvise. I’ve been doing that for ten years. Ask me to play someone?” I was twirling my hands as I talked to Biff.
Biff just sat back and grinned. “You pick the people.”
I looked up a few seconds and said. “All right let's start with British. Oh Biff. Oh Biff. My name is Lady Chatterly. Did I see you at the Waverly Bawl last week? Are you from Brighton or Dover?” I put my right hand on my breast. “Oh I would just love my bloody husband Lord Pompous to meet you.”
I grinned at Biff, “Next Russian. Beef. Beef. Spasiba, Spasiba, thank you so much for gift. I am Olga from Vladivostok. I remember living in old Soviet Union and long lines for bread, but I love living in Amerika now. I am rich and famous model. Beef. Beef. I would like to know you more but boyfriend Boris is ‘How you say?’ so possessive.”
Biff just started laughing. “How about French? Oh Monsieur Biff, I am from Cannes. I am Fifi DuPont. I am a cancan girl. I love a Louis Jordan. I love singing La Marseillaise. ‘Je me grate la nez.’ Do you know what that means Monsieur Biff? That means I like to pick my nose Monsieur Biff.”
“Latina. Aye mira Senor Biff. Senor Biff, my name is Marissa. Biff I am so proud to be a Latina Biff, treat me with respect. I am greatest actress in all Mexico. I love acting with gringos Biff so one day we act together, eh Biff? I point to my heart. “Corizone Biff, Corizone, I put you in my heart…Buenos noches Biff.”
Omigosh, all the restaurant employees were watching me and laughing. I kept on going. “How about Japanese? Ah so Deska Biff. I am young geisha girl named Mariko, Biff. I serve you plum wine. I play guitar Biffasan. Hai dozo Biffasan. Amerika so big compared to Japan. In Japan so many people Biffasan. Hai Domo arigato Biffasan.” I bowed to Biff then I bowed to the employees who all clapped.
I kind of sweated and used my hankie on my brow while the people kept on laughing. I started to shrug. “A Bronx mother. Biff ya Father’s a docta and you’re an actor Biff? At least meet a nice Jewish girl and make your mother happy and settle down Biff.”
A little bit of soul. “Biff child, you just look so fine. Hmm. Mary look at this fine young man. Now boy, you coming to the family get together next week right? Young man you gonna look so fine with all them young ladies over there. They’re gonna be fightin’ over you boy. Boy, you one fine lookin’ mother—“
A couple of old ladies came into the restaurant and when they saw everyone laughing they looked at each other and walked right on out.
“Indian” I continued. “Oh Biff, my name is Nirvana. I am a Dollywood actress, or is it a Bollywood actress, or is it a Gollywood actress? I come from India, the land of Hinduism, chakras, cobras, tigers and software engineers. Oh Biff, I would so much like to act with you Biff.
“German,” I coolly said to my audience as by now none of them were working and they were all watching and laughing at me. “Herr Biff. Herr Biff. I am so pleased to meet you. My name is Gretel, you know like ze Hanzel and Gretel. I am from Cologne, ver ze also make perfume. Auf Wiedersehen Biff. I am also struggling actress in German cinema. I picked up my milkshake glass and lifted it. Vunderbar Biff, Vunderbar. I know you are going to be great actor.”
“How about North of the Border? Eh, my name is Ellen, Biff. I love hockey Biff. One of these days when you come up from the States we can keep ourselves warm and watch some hockey, eh Biff. Who’s that funny lookin’ fella you’re with all the time Biff? Eh, his name is Fifi?”
“La Gen Y Party Girl. Eek! Biff! Biff! You comin’ to the party over at my parent’s house at Zuma Beach Saturday? GRREAT. Let me get my cell and call Becky and Dan and Chaz and Paris and Karla and Cammy, anybody except that B—tch Fifi…You guys! You guys! Biff is comin, I mean you guys agree – Biff is just the bomb.”
My audience looked exhausted, shaking their heads and chuckling. I was also getting a bit weary, but feeling so content. “Finally people, finally. One more, a bit of the Old South. Y’all can call me Suzanne. I’m originally from Atlanta. Ahh do declare Biff, being a fine gentleman, can you pick up my bags?” I looked at the workers. “Y’all know Biff is just the finest gentleman and I am so proud he is ma current beau. My other beau, Dick, well he was just like a real Yankee. He didn’t know how to treat a fine Southern girl like me with respect. Y’all out here in LA need to go to Georgia. I just miss the eucalyptus trees and the mint juleps.”
I sat down next to Biff who just looked at me and shook his head. "You are crazy girl."
The next thing I heard a thunderous applause from my 'audience.'
"You people think I can act?" I shouted.
“YES,” they shouted back.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?
OMIGOSH HERE’S WHAT SOME READERS WHO HAVE READ
SOME OF MY STORIES THINK ABOUT ME…I GUESS
THEY’RE ENTITLED TO THEIR OPINIONS…
All right you people it's been like over a year since ‘Fifi's Thoughts’ has hit the web. Here are a few flattering or not so flattering comments from fellow readers.
‘Cough cough cough, I just love reading ‘Fifi's Thoughts,’ when I squint at my beat up, out of date computer. Not much an old man my age can do except surf the net. I'll be 101 next month. I got a strong ticker though. You spoiled kids and grandkids and great grandkids, it'll be a while before you take my money. Now getting back to Fifi, I gotta get my live-in nurse to put my old computer on to look at ‘Fifi's Thoughts’. Hrrrump, what's that you say sonny? Anyways I like reading about this young dish because I may be old and a widower but I still like cute young dishes like Fifi. Gives me a little lift when I walk around with my cane, Nurse, Nurse where are you? I gotta take a pee.’
Dirty minded old geezer
‘I think ‘Fifi's Thoughts’ are nothing but the silly imagination of a silly young girl and I've had to deal with too many silly young girls throughout my life. Girls who have absolutely no ambition or motivation whatsoever, girls who, ugh, won’t even shave their armpits or trim their nose hairs, now please I'm in a rush as I'm late to get to the charity ball to help the down and out former Wall Street people who live on Park Avenue.’
Stuck-up not so old hag whom I once worked as a ‘nanny’ for…
‘I used to be a brat and torture my teachers. I mean I would throw things at my teachers and chew gum in class and not pay attention to them and do all kinds of silly things in the classroom. Well since I've read ‘Fifi's Thoughts’ it's helped me build you know, like character, because Fifi is a role model I can look up to. There aren't too many role models for kids these days. Now thanks to Fifi I'm a model student and no longer a brat. I just love reading ‘Fifi's Thoughts’ whenever I get the chance.’
Former brat who used to torture her teachers
‘I believe in good educational literature and you see a lot of garbage on the net these days. You know even a lot of the regular news is garbage. My daughter just loves reading ‘Fifi’s Thoughts’. Keep up the good work Fifi.’
Dull and boring yuppie talking about his dull and boring daughter
Well dirty old geezer, stuck-up not so old hag, former brat, and dull and boring yuppie thank you for your comments. Anybody else who reads my stories or ‘thoughts’ or poems or autobiography can also make comments about me as long as they are constructive.
GROOVY MAN IT’S ’68 ALL OVER AGAIN
Make Love not War and all that other stuff
I'm rubbing my shoes. I'm rubbing my shoes. I'm rubbing my shoes and the next thing I know I'm sitting in the back seat of a beat-up old VW Van. We're like driving in the middle of nowhere and because the van isn't air-conditioned, I’m feeling quite hot. I'm wearing tattered old jeans and an old blouse. My red hair is all long and stringy and I'm wearing a headband. My boyfriend Biff is sitting up front in the passenger seat. His usually neat, clean-cut blonde hair is all long and stringy just like mine. He's got a real heavy beard too. I’m sorry, but I don’t care for any guys who wear heavy beards. I'm gonna have to tell Biff when we have some quiet time together to shave that beard and get a haircut. Of course I'll work on my hair when I find a local ‘Quick Cuts.’ Even in all my dreams I never keep my hair so sloppy and unwashed.
The driver looks to be about our age and he also looks just as sloppy as Biff and I. His jet black hair is like, down to his shoulders but unlike Biff at least he's clean shaven even though he's got the longest sideburns. This has to be the sixties or the seventies because no guy under the thirty living in the Double Os wears long sideburns.
The guy looks at us most amazed like and just gives us a big grin. “Hey Man, I must like, be in a dream world. I got two new passengers who just came out of nowhere. Welcome passengers. My name's Mark.” He must have been stoned or something because I could smell something real strong and sweet and you people know what that strong ‘sweet’ smell is.
“Uh, Mark,” I said, “It may not be you who's having this dream. It may be me, right Biff?”
Biff looked back at me smiled. “Come on Fifi, you don't have dibs on all the dreams. This could be Mark's dream and you're an invited ‘guest’ living in Mark's ‘brain’ for the evening.”
Mark laughed. “Groovy names man…Biff. Fifi. Like Fifi, that’s a groovy name for animals and chics and everything. If I have like a daughter man, I’m gonna call her Fifi.”
“Yeah, yeah, wise guy Mark. So like what do you do?”
“Man I'm like a bartender when I work but right now I can't get into work. I'm heading to Chicago for that big Democratic Convention. I mean we need to do something about the War. Are you two going to Chicago or are you heading somewhere else? I can take you as far as Chicago.”
I looked at Mark curiously. “Chicago? I thought the convention was in Denver.” Then all of the sudden in dawned on me what year it was. “Omigosh this is 1968! You’re going to that crazy Chicago convention! We're like...from a different era...” I stammered.
Mark just grinned like the Cheshire Cat. “Man! You cats are like from the future aren’t you?”
Biff laughed. “We're from 2008 Mark.”
Mark chuckled and shook his head. “Man 2008, forty years into the future, I'm probably like a grandfather or something like that. You know sitting back and smoking like a cobbled pipe or something with my old lady right next to me. So what's LA like? What's New York like? I mean is it like wall to wall people and you can like hardly move anywhere and the air is like so polluted you can hardly see any blue sky like all these future people are saying. Does everybody like have their own flying car?”
I folded my arms. “You sure like to talk a lot do you Mark? LA's probably twice as crowded as it is in your time, at least from what I see on the old Dragnet TV shows. The freeways are so jammed you can hardly move. New York is just as big and dirty and full of crazy people as it's always been. There are no flying cars, but you can take a little phone out of your pants’ pocket and call someone halfway around the world, or you can get all the information that you would need to go to a big library for in ‘68 at your fingertips in a matter of seconds.
“That's not true Mark,” Biff added. “Fifi just likes to be negative about everything. Greater LA isn't much more populated than it was in '68, even though a heck of a lot more people live out in the suburbs. The freeway system, because of more freeways built and a subway system may actually be less crowded than it was in '68. Also believe it or not the LA air is actually cleaner in 2008 than it was in 1968 because of cleaner automobile fuels. New York looks very similar to how it looked in '68. I mean the Empire State Building is still the most famous landmark ...in 2008 as it was...back in 1968.”
Mark looked at Biff, “You sounded kind of sad when you said that, why?”
I quietly joined in. “Because there were like two huge skyscrapers that were even taller than the Empire State Building that were built in the early 70s and they're...no longer around. They were destroyed in 2001.”
“What happened?” Mark asked. “Were they like knocked down by a demolition crew?”
Biff and I both looked at each other. “You'll find out...” I said quietly.
“All right well whatever; you guys just let me find out in 2001 like you said, IF I MAKE IT TO 2001. I'm just riding the high hog and living day by day, but sometimes I think I'm lucky. I got like a club foot, so I'm 4F and don't have to worry about the draft. But my friend man, he was like my best buddy. He went to the Nam last year and...He didn't come back. I think about him every day man, EVERY DAY.” Mark got a little emotional.
I frowned. “So you kind of got a lucky break with your ‘club foot’ didn't you Mark? The luck that your unfortunate friend didn't have.”
Mark turned his head from the road and stared at me for a few seconds.
“Hey come on Fifi; lay off of Mark," Biff interjected. ”I’m glad you didn’t have to be part of that unpopular war dude. You know things just haven't changed in 40 years. We’ve got an unpopular war right now. Instead of Vietnam which didn't really come out that great - you'll find in like 1975 - it's Iraq.”
“Iraq? I mean that's all desert. OH WAIT A MINUTE. THERE'S LIKE A LOT OF OIL THERE. IT'S GOTTA BE THE OIL. WE'RE WHAT, FIGHTING OVER THE OIL RIGHT?" I mean we're always putting our thumbprints over all these countries. Vietnam, Iraq...”
I was quite angry. “I’m sorry Mark. Iraq is not about the oil. We went in there to help those people so they can live a democratic life after living under a cruel dictator for many years. Just like we went to Vietnam to stop the spread of communism.”
Biff just shook his head. ‘Fifi you are just so Red and I'm proud to be Blue. I mean you’re just eating all this stuff that this power hungry country is feeding you.”
“Yeah the USA may be power hungry, but can you find a better place to live Biff?”
Mark chuckled. “Man that's why I'm heading to Chicago guys, to stop the hawks. I gotta support McCarthy man. I mean I don't know about Humphrey. But face it the worst, the worst, would be Nixon. I just hope he doesn't win.”
Biff and I looked at each other and smiled.
“Yeah I'm heading to Denver myself later this month. I gotta support Obama.” Biff said.
“Mark looked at us both, the Utah desert ahead of us stretching for miles. “So you guys know who won in '68 and how much longer this War did go on?”
I smiled back at Mark. “Biff and I are not gonna tell you a thing Mark. You need to find out for yourself.”
Mark shook his head. “All right, all right so you guys won't say anything. What do you guys think about the Olympics, especially John Carlos and Tommy Smith? I mean Negroes have been so persecuted in this country it's ridiculous. I support what they did. I'm tired of the Establishment in this country.”
I sighed, “The Establishment…I'm probably anti-establishment myself because I hate the corporate world. I agree black people, African Americans, have suffered a lot, just like other minorities, but I think things are better in the Double Os. I think that there's more equality between people. I'm not really sure what happened in '68 with Smith and Carlos, because it's way before my time and I'm not the kind of person who cares about protesting against our flag, all I know is that in the current Olympics, the one in Beijing not Mexico City, Phelps broke Spitz’s record for total number of gold medals.”
Biff glared at me. “Fifi don’t tell him anything!”
Mark laughed. “Yeah I'll have to wait 40 years till 2008 when I'm 64, just like the Beatles song, because I don't even know who this Spitz dude you're talking about is Fifi, much less this Phelps. Come on guys give me some more, especially sports stuff. We can just turn around and head straight to Vegas. I promise you guys in forty years I'll look you guys up and give you half my earnings. Can you imagine how much money that'll be after factoring in the inflation for forty years? I mean, tell me if something wild happened, like the Mets winning the World Series in a year or two. The casino odds must be like 200 to 1.”