What readers, just like you, are saying about
The
Ascension Papers
“With each chapter I read there is a weight lifting. I feel less nervous, less fearful. I am astounded that I actually feel my perspective expanding and opening right up. I feel my attachments to particular ideologies falling way. I just feel open and excited to continue on my journey.” -- Niki
“Every word and explanation from 8 is like the truth of life 101 being told to me. The answers I have been without for 42 years. A relief and such excitement to hear them. Such a warmth in my heart and knowing. Thank you both!!” -- Jilly
“Thank you, for bringing Spirit into our hearts, when we most needed it.” --Gertrud
“Wow, that was epic. So well worth the read. Resonates very highly with me. Thank you Zingdad.” -- Syme
“Zingdad, I want to thank you profusely for everything you are doing here. There are not many places out there where these topics are discussed freely, and I feel like applauding J-D and 8 for putting all of it so eloquently.” -- M. Powers
“This is exactly what I have been looking for and what I need right now Thank you”. -- Cherrylee
“As always, your understanding resonates with and mirrors my own. Your eloquence in putting it into words, however, exquisite heart-song!” --Mathew
“I feel warmth and joy reading this, the feeling spreads from my heart and into every little particle in my body, what a great feeling” --Ann
“THE INFORMATION HERE IS PROFOUND. Thanks Zingdad for sharing and helping us to wake up”. --Boost06
“My mind has been so irreversibly opened by these writings. I am so thankful for the wider perspective. "If you can't see the perfection you are standing to close to the picture." Plays in my mind every time I see or hear anything that displeases me or leads me to habitually label someone or something as evil. This is really powerful”. --Oneness411
“When I read the Ascension Papers for the first time, my heart and soul said yes, yes ,yes... “--wolfke74
“What amazing material. Rings so true for me.” --macelderry
“You have developed an amazing gift and now you share that with others who are willing to listen and I personally thank you for that, as it has helped me to see why things in my life have happened the way it has.” --jldy
“It is the first channelled material that I read, and I read a lot... that says something that I feel very deep inside of me but never found reflected before... “ --Daco
* * * * *
The Ascension Papers
by
Zingdad
…and
Friends
* * * * *
First
Published as an e-book by Zingdad.com 2010
First Published in soft
cover by Me 'n My Dog Publishers 2011
Second Edition e-book
published by Zingdad.com 2011
Second Edition e-book also published
by Zingdad on Smashwords 2011
The
Ascension Papers
Copyright © Zingdad, 2009
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
* * * * *
This book is also available in paperback at www.zingdad.com
Members of zingdad.com may purchase the paperback or the ebook versions at a special reduced price. Visit www.zingdad.com for more information.
About The Ascension Papers
A note
from the author
Dear Reader
When I first sat down to write this work I had no idea whatsoever that the end result would be a book. I had done a few short “channellings” which I had posted on a variety of Internet forums and had decided that it was time to try, for my own growth and learning, to record a few conversations with members of my spirit family. It was meant to be a simple discovery of who they are and what they are about.
What followed was the most amazing journey into consciousness imaginable. Chapter followed chapter, each one building on what had gone before, gradually constructing an unbelievably detailed, coherent picture of the way life works and why things are the way they are. But more than bringing simple understanding, the truths uncovered brought me profound peace, joy and release from the fear and pain that had gnawed at my soul my whole life long. Fear was alchemically transmuted into Love. As a result I came to understand myself and the world I live in, in a whole new way. A way which liberates me to be the very best that I can be. A way that allows me to awaken to the magnificence that lies within. Writing this book has sparked the most profound growth and transformation in my being. It has been, quite simply, the best, most important, thing that I have ever done by far.
What YOU can expect to gain from reading The Ascension Papers, depends entirely upon you. This is not a work that demands of you that you should believe what is espoused and does not promise to rescue you from your life. But it is my firm conviction that the content of this book can help you, if you are willing to take the journey, to discover your own magnificence…to discover that you are perfect as you are… that you are, and always have been, the creator of your own reality… that you are a being of pure, radiant Love.
This book is my journey to self-discovery. With the greatest love and joy I share it with you. It might just be what you need on YOUR journey to self-discovery too.
Some of the topics covered in this book include:
- Why are we actually here? Why did we incarnate as humans and what is the meaning of life?
- What can we know of our Creator? Are we all truly one with God? And if we are, what does that really mean for us?
- What is the nature of the “Higher-Self” and what is our relationship with our “Higher-Selves”?
- What is a “Spirit-Guide”?
- What is Truth, what is Love and what is Joy?
- If the Creator, God, is good and loving then why does evil exist? And why is there fear and pain?
- And why is the world in the state it is in and how did it come to be like this?
- Are there shadowy figures running the world from behind the scenes – and what does that mean to me in my life?
- What about 2012 and the apocalypse and the Mayan calendar and all that?
- What about religion… prophets, saviours, angels, demons, devils, heaven and hell?
- And does science have anything of value to say to us as beings that are on a spiritual path?
- Can we find our way to feeling truly at one with ourselves: whole, healed, peaceful and joyful?
…and this is just a smattering of the many interesting topics that will be addressed in, I’m sure you will agree, quite a refreshing new way. But all of the many and varied topics will ultimately serve one grand purpose. And that is to set before you an invitation, an invitation to a whole new life in a whole new world in a grand, golden age of humanity! I, as the incarnated aspect of a much greater being, have the wonderful privilege of bringing this invitation to you here in this life on planet Earth. If you accept the invitation then you will be able to join me and a host of other beings in what appears to me to be the most wondrous future reality imaginable. But I won’t go into the details of that now. It will all unfold as you read this work. The point I wish to make is that I DO NOT insist that you must agree with me, believe what I say or subjugate your truth to mine. That is the opposite of what I want. I simply invite you to read what I have written with your own discernment and truth firmly in place. If you find resonance with what is presented, then your heart is telling you that the ideas presented here are “right for you”.
You will notice that this work is presented in the form of a series of conversations between myself and a variety of spirit beings. You might wonder how I come to be able to create these dialogues with beings that are not, in the normal sense of the word, present on this Earth. I have spent many years and a great deal of dedicated effort in teaching myself how to do this. I will in due course, as a part of a follow-up work, explain exactly how I do what I do and offer some thoughts as to how you too may develop such a facility should you so desire. I don’t like to call what I do “channelling” as I don't give over my faculties to another being to speak though me. I prefer to call it “intuitive conversation”. I simply ask the questions and then allow the truth in my heart to provide me with an answer… and then I type what I receive. But it is not really important HOW I derive these words. I do not want to claim any authority for these words as a result of the fact that they ostensibly come from some great beings from the far-beyond. I would very much hope that you will decide for yourself to what degree these words are true for you based upon your own resonance with the words themselves.
Finally: you might notice that the earlier chapters are less fluid and possibly more naïve than the later chapters. In updating this work for publication I considered revising the first chapters to bring them up to the standard of the later chapters. I decided against this course however as this is exactly how the book unfolded for me and for those that were reading it chapter-by-chapter on my website when I was writing it. What you see is the progression of my own soul as a result of being exposed to the ideas presented herein. Certainly the latter chapters are my best but equally they were only possible as a result of the groundwork laid in the early chapters. So I let it stand as is.
And now, without further ado, I
present to you my offering of love to the world, a gift which I
freely give to you with a joyful and open heart. Here is:
The
Ascension Papers, by Zingdad …and friends.
Zingdad
Knysna, South Africa
12 September 2010
* * * * *
Chapter 1. An Introduction to Zingdad
When I was young I was taught that it is polite to introduce yourself when making a new acquaintance. And as I always tend to the excessive, so I shall introduce myself to you excessively! This chapter is an introduction to me, to all I have come to understand about who I really am and why I am here including my past-life experiences. One you have read this you will have some context for this work and my motivations for producing it.
I have spent a lot of energy in this lifetime in trying to find true inner-peace, self-love and self-trust. Early on, I realised that I would struggle to heal my inner-pain if I did not know what had caused it in the first place. So, an important part of my journey has included a deep foray into that which occurred prior to this life and the discovery, for myself, of who I REALLY am. I derived this information from conversations like those that will follow in this book, through meditation, hypnosis, auto-hypnosis and also from a couple of conversations with my lady-love’s "Higher-Self" whilst she was in a trance state. I furthermore went for an intensive series of amazingly healing hypnotic regressions with a gifted healer who is also a psychologist. And while my story is subject to change as I discover more about myself, for now, here is a brief introduction to who I am:
Origins
I will start my story with a council meeting of the group of Light-Beings that created this reality. They were discussing how this reality we inhabit would be brought to a close so that a new reality could take its place. A bit like one game coming to an end so that another can be played. The way these games are played is that each Light-Being will be responsible for a particular role in each new game. The current game in question, our whole reality, is quite an interesting one. It is a game where some of these Bright Ones had created many manifestations (also called incarnations) that had been able to experience “individuality”. In order to make this game work something pretty radical had to be achieved. The aspects of the Bright Ones that were to play inside the game had to actually forget that they are all One… they had to forget their own eternal, immortal nature. Nowhere in All That Is had such a thing been done before.
In order to give the game direction, the concept of “duality” had been set into place. In the absence of the knowledge of their own divine purpose, players needed something else to give them a spur to growth and progression. Previous games had floundered as a result of insufficient impetus. And so it was decided that there would be two main “camps”, which would result in rivalry, competition and conflict. The two camps were defined by who the player would serve. On the one side would be those that serve others and on the other side would be those that serve themselves. And so the game is being played out with fragments of the Bright Ones having incarnations in the system through which they have been experiencing the ecstasies and the miseries of life in the system. In so doing they have been discovering who they really are from a position of absolute forgetfulness. It is a marvellous, amazing, grand experiment in consciousness and the rewards are truly phenomenal. But now, as the time approaches to bring the game to a close, the Council gathers to see what must be done. It is perceived that there will be some considerable difficulty in ending the game successfully without causing harm and trauma to the players; those aspects of the Bright Ones that are deeply engaged in the game as incarnated souls.
Can you see the problem?
In order for the game to work, all the players had to forget that they were just players and engage very deeply with the game as if it were their only reality. As they played the game of duality they would come to feel powerful emotions, such as hatred and anger towards some and kindness and need towards others. The duality of fear and love would compel them to bury themselves very deeply in the game. And so it was that players would find themselves unable to even begin to conceive of it that the game was not completely real and completely serious. Which was fine for so long as the game was to continue, but a problem occurred when the Bright Ones wanted to end the game. Beings as totally engrossed in the game as the players are will not simply stop playing and return to full remembrance when it is time to stop! And their Free Will cannot simply be breached and the game forcibly ended, as this would cause the players profound trauma and teach them that they are NOT the creators of their own reality. This would undo the whole point of the game which is growth and learning, and especially learning about creation.
So, ending the game would have to be done carefully and with some delicacy. The only way to do it would be for each and every manifestation to awaken to the fact that they are in fact immortal beings of light simply experiencing an illusory, transient reality. They would each have to choose to leave the game voluntarily. And so it was decided that each player would be awoken at an appointed time. Each of the Light Beings then put their plans in place to bring the game to a successful close.
It is not mine to know what all of the Light Beings decided. I know only a little of what one of those Light Beings did. And now I will draw your attention to this one particular Light Being. Though names are of no use to such beings, they are of some use to us, so we shall call this being Joy-Divine or J-D for short. J-D was invited to come and play this game specifically to assist with the ending. In order to do what he came to do, J-D saw that he would need to re-order the whole game just a little. For these beings, you see, there is no such thing as time. There is consequently no problem in redoing the game from the beginning in order to end it differently. And you can keep re-doing until you get the desired outcome and then THAT is the version of events you go with. So J-D came to hold one of the roles in the game. But J-D did not create the endlessly recursive self-fragmentations that many of the other Bright Ones did. This was not originally his game, you see, and so he did not seek to populate it with many billions or even trillions of aspects of himself as some of the others did. But he DID seek to understand the game in great depth. And it is really so that the deepest, hermeneutic understanding of a thing can only come from experiencing it yourself. J-D knew that he needed this kind of understanding in order to offer the assistance that was required of him. And so it was that he decided to introduce a manifestation into the game. From within his own being he created a being which may be called “Delight”. Delight would be that which carried the light of Joy-Divine into the densest depths of the game. Delight would in fact be the incarnating portion of Joy-Divine...
And that, perhaps you have realised, is ME.
A Beginning...
In the very earliest memory of my individual existence that I have been able to find, I was slowly, dreamily, driftingly becoming conscious of “selfness”. I was being lovingly cradled within the very being of Joy-Divine. I knew only Oneness and belonging. Infinite love was my sustenance. The deepest bliss was my every experience. Slowly, my consciousness arose from this slumbering joy and I began to formulate my first thoughts. As I became aware of my own beingness I conceived the thought: “Here am I.” And then the question, “What am I?”
And with infinite love and gentleness, J-D began to answer me. In some ways, this lifetime and those that went before it are a part of the infinite, unending answering of that question. For by living and BEing I am discovering myself, who I am and what I am. You see Bright Ones don’t communicate in thoughts and words as we do. Their communications are in whole creations! Our entire universe is really just a part of an unfolding conversation between the Bright Ones. And as I am here discovering who I really am… it is also Joy-Divine engaged in the act of telling Delight the answer to the question “what am I?” played out in dramatic form through all the occurrences in my various incarnations. It’s an amazing thing, really. And maybe it is thus for you too? Maybe you too are that which is busy answering the question “what am I?” for yourself. I think this is so, don’t you?
But now to the question of why Delight is here and therefore why I, Zingdad, am here. For beings to move forward they must conceive of a purpose for themselves. Delight has the purpose of being “an Interventionist”. What exactly "an Interventionist" is, is a long story that I shall tell on another occasion - for now kindly accept that it is a being that travels around the spiritual realms assisting others when they become stuck in the creations of their own reality. And so Delight would help here in the work of the ending of this reality in a... well... a delightful way, really. But you know; you can’t help a friend with their pain if you don’t understand what they are going through. So before Delight could help, he had to immerse himself in this reality completely. He had to incarnate a few times and completely lose himself in this reality. And then, right on time during his final incarnation at the end of the game, he had to find himself and awaken and ascend back out of the system. Only then would he have sufficient understanding to really help and do what he had come to do. And, of course, this is what I am right now endeavouring to do.
I remember beginning my descent into this system. I left the warm embrace of Joy-Divine and began to enter via the higher dimensions of this reality for the very first time. And then, with a shock, I began to fall. I fell and fell. As I plummeted though the densities of creation I began to realise that I was losing my connection with the Oneness. I began to feel the terrible pang of a completely new experience – and I was lost in the coldness of desperate aloneness. My vision began to shrink – I could no longer see what the results of my actions would be! I no longer knew that everything was perfection. There was so much I suddenly couldn't and didn’t know. As I conceived of the fact that I didn’t KNOW what would happen, an entirely new experience gripped my heart – FEAR! If I didn’t know what would come next, how could I know I would be okay? I couldn’t! I felt the black robes of the Veil of Unknowing close around me and it felt like icy fingers squeezing my heart. This was agony! And still I fell and fell. And then came the oblivion of forgetting both the pain of the falling and the bliss of what had come before that. The anguish faded. Memory faded. Consciousness became dim. Everything turned slowly to blackness. And then I began to look through blurred eyes upon a strange and incomprehensible new world.
I didn’t know it then but my first incarnation had begun…
My Life in Lyra
My first lifetime was on a planet in the star system of Lyra, so-called after the Lyre (a type of harp), which is also a useful analogy for the way in which life was created there. Many beings had their first incarnation in Lyra, which were much less dense than here on Earth. Bodies were far more subtle than these that we inhabit now. A tonal vibration in the Light was what caused bodies to manifest – hence the “harp” analogy. Life on this planet in Lyra was good. It was a place of love and gentleness where they used joy as a vehicle for teaching. Each person was encouraged to follow their greatest bliss, to find their unique and special gift and then to express that which they most loved doing. There was no competition and no punishment. Each being was valued for who they were and the contribution they made. And everyone gave their best at all times.
Physically, the beings were fair of skin and hair and had blue eyes. I still bear those features now out of a sense of identification with them. They were a graceful and vital people who knew that their bodies were a divine gift to be loved and cherished and understood how to treat their bodies respectfully. And this is one of the reasons that they lived to incredibly great ages. But there was another, more important reason: in the societies of this place were teachers who passed on to others the teachings of physical ascension. As a result of learning this, the Lyrans did not age as we typically do here on earth. As young ones grew up and matured into adults they would, at some point, begin to show an interest in learning the ways of the Spirit. They would request to be taught. The process of learning about this was slow and gentle, with the process itself being valued far more than the outcome. As their training advanced so these beings would become wiser and more powerful in the ways of spirit. Eventually they would begin to gain a brightness, as their aura would begin to glow and beings of great age could immediately be identified by the radiance of their aura. But their bodies, strangely enough, did not age. To look into such a being’s eyes was to feel blessed and loved. As their training and spiritual growth continued, these beings would become more Light and less matter. And then, when they had done what they had come for, they would finally and completely transform their physical bodies into light bodies and leave that world for subtler realms of spirit. A wonderful thing to see.
The Lyrans lived in absolute harmony with the land. They did not think of plants, animals and their planet as something to use and consume but rather knew that they were One with these. The land was respected as their own mother. If a plant or animal was required to sacrifice its body for something that was needed for the people then it was respectfully asked for that sacrifice. If permission was given then the ending of the life was done with great reverence, respect and appreciation. Life there was truly a great, harmonious partnership and each worked always for the greater good of the All.
My clearest memory of my own life in Lyra is of me standing looking over a moon-lit ocean with a being called Adamu. Though not my father, he had been the one that had raised me and had taught me the ways of the people. He was a wise and respected elder. A powerfully built, leonine man with a flowing beard, sapphire eyes and the brightest auric glow.
My memory starts with him standing opposite me engaging me in a serious conversation. He was explaining to me that I was not to remain with them... not to eventually return to the Light in the way they did. He was pointing to the stars and telling me that my destiny lay "out there". He skipped a stone across the still, moonlit ocean as a metaphor for how I must hop across a few other lives in other places in my coming progression: not stay in one place with them. I was sobbing. The fact that my leaving meant that I would have to physically die did not bother either of us. Everyone in that world knew that death was nothing more than a transition to another state. So that was not the source of my grief. I simply did not want to leave there. I had found a great love for those people and Adamu with his gentle, loving guidance of me in particular. I didn't want to go and Adamu of course didn't want me to go either, as he loved me. But this was my destiny.
Adamu said to me, "Soon enough you will be on your way and you'll have forgotten us".
"Never!” I said, “I'll never forget you. And I'll remember this moment forever".
And I have.
I will always love the people of Lyra. They gave me my first life and my grounding in this whole new reality. I knew such unconditional love and true belonging amongst them. I had a place "to come from" and even though I would always be a wanderer, I would always have had a HOME.
And I would remember Adamu. This current incarnation of mine has been infused with a sense of missing someone, an older, fatherly figure who I knew should be there in my life, but was not. As I began to remember Adamu and find him in my meditations and hypnotic regressions that gap in my life came to be filled. I came to remember the depth of my love and connection with this most amazing being. And this is how this memory survived the deep forgetfulness that comes from reincarnating into this world. I said I would remember… and I did. And as I re-connected with Adamu in this life-time and was learning to have intuitive conversations, I also realised that he was a font of deep wisdom and profound truth which always came cloaked in compassion. So I started to make his words available for others to read on various forums on the Internet. It was thanks to Adamu that I could develop this skill at all. He has again come to be a wonderful source of guidance and advice to me. And friendship too.
Isn’t that strange? I appear to be a grown-up, adult man with an imaginary friend!
But back to the story. As I have mentioned, most beings left life in Lyra by means of a bodily ascension into the Light. But this was not my path. I was to go the way of those that did not leave into the Light. I walked into the ocean in the Bay of Leaving until I was chest deep in the moonlit water and then, just as I had been taught to do, I lifted my spirit-body out of my physical body and severed the connection between the two. My lifeless body fell back into the waters, the waves closed over it. And then I was gone.
The oceans would, in due course, take care of the cleansing and nothing would be left of me but memories and stories.
A Soldier's Life
Life number 2 was my life as a soldier.
The civilisation into which I was born was engaged in an inter-planetary war with another civilisation. I have no memory of the specifics and so I can’t tell you if there were great galactic alliances at war or just two opposing planets battling it out. These things I don’t remember at all. What I do know is that I had been born into the life of a soldier garrisoning a mining colony on a little planet far from our home-world. The planet itself was not quite solid. I can’t say for sure what it was composed of but the effect was that one could pilot a vehicle into the planet without too much difficulty. Perhaps it was a bit like Jupiter or Saturn and was essentially condensed gasses? Certainly, the planet was utterly inhospitable to life, as we had to be inside protective vehicles or structures at all times. But whatever the case, in this life I was one of a group of soldiers who had been assigned the role of protecting the mining operations on this semi-solid little planet.
The life I lived there was quite different from any here on earth. For one thing, it seems we soldiers were genetically modified to fulfil our function. One of the results of this was that none of us was able to reproduce, as this would have been counter-productive to the optimal fulfilment of our role. It seems our bodies were designed to remain sexually immature our whole lives and so the distinction between the genders was definitely not as pronounced as it is here on earth. I am confused about this but there might even have been more that just two genders! What I am sure of is that the soldiers were not exclusively male. But as I say, gender wasn’t the same issue as it is here on earth. I believe we were however somewhat sexual with each other but it was more of a playful, loving, bonding thing than anything else. But, be that as it may, the group of soldiers with me on that planet were my everything. They were the only family I had ever known; they were my friends, my lovers and my reason for being. If I think back on it now, my situation in that life seems very peculiar to my current sensibilities but it felt completely natural and right to me then. We were happy in our own way and there was certainly a greater sense of belonging and group identity than I have ever felt in my current lifetime.
As a soldier, my designated role was to pilot a particular military vehicle. It was something between a very small space-ship and an armoured car. This one-man vehicle could not only travel on the surface of the planet but could also push down into the planet itself and manoeuvre under the surface. It sustained life-support for me under all the varied and extreme conditions on that planet. I’m sure this was a scout craft and if it had any armaments at all, these would have been quite light. I think my role was really just to guard and patrol. In the memories that I have it seems I didn’t take my responsibilities too seriously at all. Like a big kid with a toy, I really enjoyed driving my little craft around and pushing it down into the depths of the planet only to pull back up and come bursting up onto the surface. I got quite a thrill out of that craft but I certainly did not behave like a soldier engaged in the life-and-death responsibility of defending a strategic asset in times of war!
On a day, it was my turn to man the control room in a satellite high above the planet. While I was on duty I was looking through a window at the planet below and something completely beyond my comprehension happened. All I can say is that the little planet, with all its inhabitants, was stomped out of existence before my very eyes! Everything was, quite simply, wiped out of existence by some inexplicable phenomenon. A HUGE grey “thing” passed though that reality and utterly obliterated the whole planet! I had no way of making sense of what I had just observed. This didn’t relate to anything I had ever even heard of. I was thoroughly traumatized and left in a deep state of shock. Everyone I loved – all my friends, my family, my lovers, my home, my reason for living – EVERYTHING that had meant anything to me was wiped out in one unfathomable instant. I was left utterly alone in a small satellite that was now no longer tethered to a planet. I don’t know what I did next. That little satellite would not have sustained my life for very long. I know I drifted for a while, lost in abject grief. Maybe I died of a lack of air, food or water. Maybe I terminated myself. That is not in my memory. All I find there is a muggy fog of loss and grief... and then nothing.
Lost in My Own Dream World
In life 3, I had some kind of mental incapacity. I am almost completely certain it was Autism. What I know is that my thoughts did not have the same structure as they do now. It was as if I thought in comic-book pictures and icons rather than in words or complex ideas. I was unable to speak and instead made gibberish sounds. This life played out in what was quite possibly 16th century Europe (or some reality quite a lot like that) and life there was hard, mean and cruel. People with challenges such as I suffered were considered a useless burden.
This life was dichotomously desperately unhappy and yet also blissfully joyful. You see I was not treated very well by my fellow human beings. For example, as soon as I was old enough to go out amongst the other children they noticed my strangeness and began to taunt me mercilessly. They threw stones at me and chased me with sticks like a wild animal sometimes. The only one who really loved me and was eternally kind to me was my older sister. She was pure gentleness and goodness.
Then there was an uncle who was horribly abusive of me. He sexually abused me whenever he could because, you see, I was powerless to ever tell anyone about this. My only protection was to stick to my sister’s side whenever he was around and then he’d leave me alone. But if he ever found me without her… well, it got pretty awful. An uncomprehendingly painful, wrong, strange experience that hurt and hurt and I had no way of processing it or even of defending myself.
But that life was far from being all bad. Sometimes I would able to slip into an altered state of consciousness in which everything was beautiful. I remember seeing angels of light and fairies and sprites. I saw the golden auras in the life around me. I saw the pulsations of energy in the plants. I saw the zip-zap of energy communications between the stars and the flows and spirals of energy in the planets etheric body. I saw wondrous things in those times. This brought me deep joy and healed my pain. So that was okay. But I think my family were disturbed by the fact that I’d sit on my own, staring into space, cooing and giggling to myself with pleasure.
And then, things being what they were in those days, my sister was no more than 15 or 16 when she was married off to some veritable stranger in the next town and she had to leave to go and live with him. I know now that she tried very hard to make this okay for me. I remember lying with my head in her lap while she cried bitterly. You see she knew she was going away but could not explain this to me. All I knew was that she was unhappy and then she was gone. A horse-drawn carriage came to fetch her. I remember it driving down the lane into the bleak snow-laden forest.
Soon after that, the abusive uncle came around again. When I saw him I knew what was coming and in my desperation I ran away to find my sister. I ran down the road along which the carriage had gone. I ran and ran. I ran until my lungs ached, I ran until I fell down exhausted. Night began to fall and I huddled against a tree for some shelter from the cold. I was very, very scared - every forest sound and shadow caused monster images to flash in my head.
I died of exposure in the forest that night.
A Meta-reality
Life 4 is the most difficult to explain because it occurred in a reality very unlike this one and things just don’t translate well. I guess it might actually have been in a kind of etheric realm because in this place ideas and thoughts really were tangible things. I somehow had an ability with the crafting of ideas that could… I don’t know… the analogy I get is that I had a “sword of words”. I could somehow do great harm with the constructs of my mind and the others around me seemed to be quite defenceless against me. I had great anger and rage towards them. I think these were the same beings as in the life before because my sister was there again and this time she was the only one I loved. All others I struck out at and hurt very badly. They had no way of defending themselves and I just went around doing harm – exercising my rage, I guess. This lifetime ended quite strangely too. The others captured me and confined me. And then they brought my sister and killed her before me. In so doing I saw that she and they were actually One greater being. I saw that the good and the evil, the positive and the negative, were all from within the same being. That which I loved the most and that which I despised the most was all the same one being – just different manifestations of it. I was shaken to my core. They then killed me too. This somehow was a favour to me. It somehow absolved me of my karma. They actually did this as an act of love. None of this makes much sense to me now from the perspective of my current life but that is how it was.
Also, I later came to understand that what I had done to them was somehow a service to them. Much worse was to come and I assisted in some way to prepare them for this. It was as a result of me that they would later survive.
I don't really understand much about this lifetime and I hope to puzzle it all out some day.
The Wizard
The story of Life 5 is uncomfortable for me to tell. The setting was quite possibly medieval Europe. I was born to some local lord. We lived in a castle on a mountain overlooking a valley in which there was a village. Our village was quite isolated and transport through the mountain was by slow horse-drawn cart, so we lived quite an insular life. Most of the villagers would live their whole life without ever venturing out of the valley. Very few ever saw even the next village. Transport was difficult and slow and communications almost non-existent.
For this lifetime I had been given a spiritual gift: a connection to a special form of spiritual "energy" that is mine for the work that I am to do. I was to use this energy to show the people how to do healing and other such spiritual work.
I think my mother was quite sickly and she had struggled for many years to fall pregnant. Being the wife of the local lord, it was important that she give my father an heir. News of her pregnancy was therefore greeted with great joy. When I was born a perfectly healthy baby boy, the village was overjoyed and a great celebration was given. I was the village's “golden child” and was much loved and celebrated. I soon began to display my gift in doing small magical things. The people saw this and wondered at it.
Somewhere in my teens, events conspired to take me in a dark direction: firstly my mother never properly recovered from giving birth to me. She was bed-ridden for a few years and then just faded away and died while I was still a child. My father was pre-occupied with his grief and his responsibilities as the lord of his lands. When my magical abilities became obvious, the village witch asked to be allowed to teach me – to “mould” my abilities. Despite the fact that she had shown herself to be capable of quite a mean streak, she was allowed to take me into her care. As I say, my mother was gone and my father’s concerns were elsewhere.
The witch did indeed teach me quite well. I had some impressive innate skill with manipulating matter and energy and she taught me how to channel and focus it. In time I became quite proficient at this. I was able, for example, to do weather working to bring rains for the crops when needed and so forth. I was also able to do healing work. I think there were some other skills but I can’t quite remember them now. But all through the process of teaching me what she knew, the witch was also engaged in manipulating me to suit her own agenda. She wanted power for herself and, I am now sure, decided that she would turn me into her puppet. She attempted this by playing to my ego. She told me I was special beyond all other people. She led me to believe all others should serve me and be as slaves to my will. She taught me to believe I was some kind of a demi-god. I came to believe that my magical abilities were not to be placed in service of the people but instead were proof that the people should serve me. So that wasn’t exactly healthy.
Then there was the way the peasantry treated me. You must understand that the social dynamic of feudal society is nothing like the life we live now. A feudal lord has absolute power over his lands and vassals. They scrape and bow around him, never speaking unless spoken to and never looking their lord in the eyes. They will almost always run and hide if they see him coming so that they do not have to engage with him and risk causing offence. It’s almost as if these are two different species: the ruler and the ruled. The point of all this is that I certainly did not feel belonging and community amongst the village people. If I left the castle and went down to the village I was not welcomed with singing and dancing… Oh no. Many scurried away and all fell silent. I felt like an outcast. It felt as if my presence was resented. And then, as soon as I left their company, the villagers’ conversation would once again pick up behind my back with nervous laughter breaking out. I thought they hated me. And maybe they did!
To complicate matters my father had, while I was still a boy, refused to send some of our peasants to be soldiers in a crusade (or something very like that). As a result of this we were considered pariahs and no self-respecting noble family would consider me a suitable marriage candidate for their daughter. So, upon coming of the age where I would have gone to the royal court to meet young ladies of my station, it was made clear that I would not be welcome.
So I was alone.
My only companion was the witch who was busily implementing her ego manipulations on me for her own ends. As it transpired, this eventually backfired on her. In time I came to believe her lies and felt I was too powerful to have to put up with her and her constant meanness. So I simply sent her away. Somewhere around that time my father died too and I became the lord of the lands. Not only did I have all the power of being a feudal lord but I also had the power of magic. To the peasants of the village I was something quite separate, other and strange. And there really was no one else in my life. No friends, no family, no lovers, no confidantes. Just me and the village peasantry to whom I was an utterly alien thing. This was to be a life of deep isolation.
But I was still a human being with human needs and desires. I guess what I wanted most was to be loved and accepted. To belong. To feel needed and wanted. And so, of course, I noticed some of the more attractive village girls. I wished I could have one of them be with me and love me. On a few occasions I would approach one and try to strike up a conversation. But the gap between us was just far too wide to be breached. In my presence they were uncomfortable and wary. As I approached they would be all apologetic and cowed – probably assuming I wanted to berate them for having done something wrong (why else would the lord of the land speak to a peasant girl?). They would not look at me and would only answer my direct questions in as few words as possible.
Eventually I demanded that one of the girls come back to castle with me on some pretext or another. I knew nothing of love and tenderness and even if I had, she would not have responded. I am ashamed to admit that instead, I forced myself upon her and took what I wanted. In so doing I ruined her chances of ever finding a husband. But I cared little of that. This abysmal behaviour brought me some kind of a feeling of power and, I guess, it was better than being completely alone. And so it became a bit of a habit for me. I repeated it a few times with the same girl and then moved onto others. My appetites changed and grew more dark. It soon became quite abusive. I prefer not to go into details. This is not easy for me to write about. All I will say is that I got quite darkly inventive about my abuses.
Obviously, at some point, the villagers decided they needed to do something about this. They needed to tell me to stop. So a meeting was called in the clearing in the middle of the village. I got to hear about this. I rushed out of the castle and went and stood on a cliff overlooking the village to see if it was true. And, sure enough, the people had gathered below and someone was standing up talking to them. I was enraged! I have a picture of myself standing on the cliff overlooking the village with the castle behind me. My emotions boiled and stewed. I was going to show them all! They would never again try such insolence! I began to raise the storm to end all storms. I pulled the wind in towards me – pulling and pulling, I drew in great storm clouds until, roaring and raging, they towered above me. The sky darkened to black and lightning raced. I was connected with these profound forces and I felt the lighting in my own body. It exhilarated me. I felt so large… so powerful… so alive. I revelled in it and in the punishment I would bring. I felt like a god. A very dark and powerful god. I drew in more energy. The wind whipped against my body almost pushing me right off the cliff-face. I saw the villagers below scattering and rushing to secure their homes, the fire in the marketplace around which they had gathered blowing up cinders onto the thatched roofs of their houses. I was gleeful at their fear. They would pay! The storm developed and developed – the forces straining to break and smash themselves against the village below. And then… nothing. My body collapsed lifeless on that cliff. I had over-done it. I had pushed too much energy through a vessel that was not capable of containing it.
Overloaded, my body simply ceased functioning and then, there I was, a spirit-being looking down on a lifeless form.
That was my last lifetime before this one.
A Life Between Lives
I spent a LOT of time between that incarnation and my current one. As a spirit-being I reviewed the life I had just left – I looked at the pain and devastation I had caused and I was aghast. I felt such remorse and anguish. I began to try to terminate my own existence. I’ll spare you all the details but I spent a lot of effort simply trying to destroy my own beingness. I tried everything I could but I simply could not end myself. Whatever I did… I just continued to exist! I seem to have spent some time obliterating my connection to everything – in other words I tried to cease being by ceasing to DO and by losing my memory of all things. Eventually I found myself in a kind of stasis. I was nowhere, did nothing and knew nothing. But that didn’t help because as soon as I wondered how I came to be there, it all came flooding back. I realised there was no escape, no cessation. I had to deal with what I had done. And as soon as I decided THAT, I found myself in the company of a group of spirit beings. They brought me before an ancient, wise and beautiful one. I assumed this "head-wizard" was to be my judge. I assumed he was going to sentence me for my grave wrong-doings. I immediately began to declare my guilt to him. I was like a limp, wet rag – all tears (metaphorically) and abject apologies. I alternated between earnestly swearing to do better next time, dedicating myself to endless service to repair the wrongs that I had done and begging to be punished or destroyed. On and on I went and the wise one just listened. When eventually I ran out of steam he asked, “Are you quite done?
Because I have someone you should meet.”
And then I was introduced to a very special being. A being of pure, unblemished truth. I shall call him “8”. I came to see him as the sharp blade-edge of TRUTH. He was hard – but ultimately and completely fair. He took one look at the snivelling damp rag that I was and simply said, “You need to grow some back-bone”.
He took me in hand and worked with me. We were not inside of time so there is no way for me to say for how long he worked with me but I would say it was the equivalent of very many lifetimes. I learned a great deal from him. First he pretended to give me work as “punishment” until I discovered that the work was not punishment but simply an opportunity to express love as a gift of service. Then, when I finally realised that I no longer desired to be punished, he began to help me to see my own beauty. He helped me to see my worth and what I have to offer. Slowly a deep and amazing bond forged between us. He was my guide and teacher but I also knew that he was respected (even revered) by some of the most wondrous beings of this reality. I was blessed beyond my ability to tell of it that he had come to my assistance.
A Returning to Incarnated Life
Then came the time when 8 said to me that it was time to finish what was started: I needed to have one final incarnation so that I could let go of the incarnational cycle and rise up to find what I really am. I was filled with trepidation and self-doubt. I really did not want to go into density again. I feared that I would do damage again and did not want this.
“Come with me,” 8 said, “I have someone I want you to meet.”
“Who?” I asked.
“Someone who is to be your partner in your journey in the next incarnation. You won’t be alone.” And then, before us was the most incredible sight: a being of the most radiant blue light. I had never seen so much light compressed into such a small space. I was awestruck.
“What does this being want with me?” I whispered to 8.
“This one will take a challenge to planet earth: she will struggle with the lesson of self-love. You are to love her.”
“Well of course,” I replied, “how else can I respond to such a being?”
“You are to love her consistently and ceaselessly until she finds her own self-love and in return she will be your truth until you find your own inner-truth.” And in that simple sentence the partnership was sealed. With such a being at my side how could I fail? And so it came to pass. I was born into this life and was just a very young man when my lady-love and I met. It was love at first sight and we have remained pretty much in love for all of the time since. We have a partnership that amazes even us. A miracle of love. And I HAVE loved her until she loved herself and she WAS my truth until I discovered my own truth within myself.
At the time of writing, it has been 18 years that we have been together in this, my Life 6. We have completed our contract, agreed to there in spirit form with 8 as our witness. And now, here on earth, as we find ourselves, we discover a partnership too special and wondrous to simply end. And so we create a new agreement based not upon a hurt and a need that the other must fill but upon pure love and a desire to give to the other that which we each are.