Transforming
Dreams Into Reality
The Three Strategies of the Unstoppable Woman
By Britt Santowski
The Three Strategies of the Unstoppable Woman
© 2010 by Britt Santowski
Electronic Version Published at Smashwords by: I’m Allowed Publishing Inc; 250-999-2836 ; www.imallowed.com
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Santowski, Britt. The Three Strategies of the Unstoppable Woman / Britt Santowski 290 p. cm.
ISBN: 978-0-9867094-0-1
1. Business 2. Entrepreneurship 3. Women I. Santowski, Britt. II Title. BF
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Editor: Lori Stephens
Final Edit and Proofreading: Tyler Tichelaar
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What Others are Saying About This Book
“Unstoppability is what separates those who try from those who do. This book gives women the key to joining the league of those who do.” – Mary West, Contributing Author of Your Ultimate Sales Force
“Unstoppable people are ones who can bring their dreams to reality. This book shows the way.” – Alan Roaf, Current Coaching Consultant and Former National Coach of Canada’s Olympic Rowing Teams
“Britt Santowski is a leading authority on the subject of strong and successful women. This book conveys her undeniable passion and knowledge. Britt connects with her readers unlike anyone I have ever known. Let her show you how to become unstoppable using the three strategies that are sure to change your life forever!” – Malika L. Anderson, Author of The Real Woman’s Guide to an Almost-Perfect Life
“Climb or catapult towards your success. This book lays a solid foundation for your exponential growth.” – Patrick Snow, International Best-Selling Author of Creating Your Own Destiny.
“The Three Strategies of the Unstoppable Woman is that book women have long awaited—a surefire guide to finding the required balance in life that leads both to goal-achievement and happiness.” – Tyler R. Tichelaar, Ph.D., Author of the Award-Winning Narrow Lives.
“Packed with what I call Green Light® actions, Santowski’s superb tools help you get the GO-ahead. Use them to live your dreams - on or off the motorcycle.” Marilyn Schoeman, Author of GO! How to Think Speak and ACT to Make Good Things Happen
“Kudos to Britt Santowski. She offers a fresh perspective on strategies for living your best life and a framework of practical Calls to Action that will inspire you to dig deep and connect with the unstoppable woman you can be.” Jane L. Thilo, M.D., M.S.
Dedication
For
Vincent Cummings, who lovingly cleared the path for this book to become
Ariah Cummings, who lovingly became
In Memory of Gabrielle Bouliane 1966-2010 www.youtube.com/watch?v=gePQuE-7s8c
To Build a Swing
You
carry
All the ingredients
To turn your life into a nightmare
— Don’t mix them!
You
have all the genius
To build a swing in your backyard
For
God.
That
sounds
Like a hell of a lot more fun.
Let’s start laughing,
drawing blueprints,
Gathering our talented friends.
I
will help you
With my divine lyre and drum.
Hafiz
Will sing a thousand words
You can take into your hands,
Like golden saws,
Silver Hammers,
Polished
teakwood,
Strong silk rope.
You
carry all the ingredients
To turn your existence into joy
Mix
them, mix
Them.
— Hafiz, The Gift (P. 48)[1]
Contents
Introduction: The Three (and why motorcycles matter)
I spent almost a decade working as a motorcycling instructor. It was there that I learned about and mastered the three strategies of accountability, collaboration, and initiative—strategies I further refined by my training and work as a counselor, coach, workshop facilitator and educator.
Accountability means being responsible for who you are today. You either have excuses or results. You don’t blame the past for who you are, you know your strengths, and you know where you are headed. In the motorcycle-training world, accountability typically means the following:
It’s usually not the bike’s fault; nine times out of ten, it’s the rider.
Decide who’s in control: You ride the bike; it doesn’t ride you. The motorcycle is a powerful machine, and you have the capacity to control it.
Work with your strengths; augment your challenges with the right equipment, the right bike, and the right riders.
Where you look is where you go. If you need to go around a pylon, but you spend all your time looking directly at it, you will hit it. Look at the intended path of travel.
Collaboration means choosing the right people to travel with you as you pursue your vision. It’s about nurturing the people who nurture you. It’s your community, your mentors, and your “inner circle of champions.”
You can learn on your own and fall down often. you can learn from someone who’s never been there and fall down hard. Or, you can learn from a pro, fall down occasionally (it is inevitable), and get back on the seat again. Choose wisely.
It pays to find and work with the best.
Initiative means stepping out of your comfort zone. It is aspiring to navigate the abyss between what is and what can be. It is navigating the abyss in spite of your fears.
It means that if you’re riding and looking at the cone, you’re more likely to hit it. But that rule is not universal, nor does it apply when looking at pedestrians, oncoming Mack trucks, or skyscrapers as you pass them by.
A positive mindset coupled with expert knowledge is a powerful force that can propel you forward faster than you thought possible.
If you’re going to go down, you may as well do it in the training pit.
Determination and persistence will move you closer to taking the trip of your lifetime.
These three strategies have universal applications. For many women, learning to ride a motorcycle is a symbolic metaphor for stepping out of your comfort zone, taking calculated and measured risks, and pursuing the dream of a lifetime.
That, in short is the answer to why motorcycles matter. The rest of the book examines subsequent questions about how to become the unstoppable woman of your own quest, whether it is pursuing your life as an entrepreneur, a business person, an artist, a mother or a dreamer.
What These Three Strategies Can and Can’t Do for You
The act of reading this book indicates that you are ready to move forward. I suspect you are a progressive growth-oriented woman who can anticipate what comes next in her life and can turn challenges into growth opportunities. You are also probably belief-based in that you take everything in stride: you have succeeded before, and you know you will again. From learning to walk to passing third grade to getting your first job, you have succeeded many times. Like all other women, you have also tasted the bitter pill of failure; your past successes were achieved either in spite of or because of those failures.
Your past successes (and failures) have given you a certain level of experience that causes you to rise above others.
Failures have fed you and spurned you toward success. To become unstoppable, you must acquire a new skill set, and that skill set consists of three key cornerstone elements: accountability, collaboration and initiative.
It is now your time to conquer inner worlds and achieve great new results! With the insights presented in this book, you will learn how to:
Strengthen your impact as a leader.
Increase the clarity of your life purpose.
Achieve your intended contributions.
Intensify your influence.
Expand your resource pool.
Unearth your unstoppable self.
Attain heights greater than you imagined possible.
Demanding personal conformity with an unalterable depiction of perfection is the surest path to self-destruction. This one life and one body are the most treasured gifts you’ve ever received. First and foremost, always remember to be kind to yourself.
You are ready for growth. With growth comes change. With change comes a new level of awareness. With new levels of awareness comes the ability to solve problems and achieve remarkable results. And with the remarkable results comes your unstoppable self.
How This Book is Organized
This book is divided into three sections. Each section discusses various aspects of the three strategies: accountability, collaboration, and initiative.
Throughout this book, you will encounter Calls to Action, which invite you to contemplate and record, or to complete a list or an exercise.
Whether you take up the challenge of the Calls to Action is up to you. I won’t make the claim that your completion of these Calls is critical in order for you to become unstoppable. But completing them can help, and it ultimately boils down to what you do with the information contained within this book as a whole. If exercises appeal to you, do them. If you want a more structured workbook, that too is available to you (without charge) from the website, www.thethreestrategies.com. If you don’t want to do the exercises, that too is your prerogative.
The Calls to Action are there to provoke your thought process. Whether you record your thoughts is up to you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.
— Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)
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We Are All In the Middle of Our Stories
In writing this book, I seek to remind you that we are all in the middle of our stories. Just like you, I have not yet arrived at the final destination (either death or perfection), and I really have no idea how it will all conclude. There are no end-result guarantees.
In reading this book, I invite you to be in the middle of your story. I invite you to be imperfect. I invite you not to seek a narrowly defined pinnacle of success but to nurture your experience, for through this experience you will achieve success. I invite you NOT to know. In doing so, you will find that your business life, your personal life, your family life, and your inner joy will exceed your expectations.
These are things I do know:
The forward momentum that nurtures the unstoppable being comes from the merging and continual development of personal accountability, interpersonal relationships, and perpetual forward action.
Forward momentum increases the likelihood of a positive outcome, although there are no guarantees.
If you don’t do anything at all, if you opt for stagnation at a place that is comfortable although not quite delightful, the likelihood of improving your current situation is little to none.
While you can’t re-create the past to suit your present desires, you can change your habitual ways of being, and you can design different outcomes. You can always change the direction of your journey.
As you turn this next page, you move into your new potential—and I am honored to be included in your journey!
Section I: Accountability
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Sun Never Says
Even After All this time The sun never says to the earth
“You owe Me.”
Look What happens With a love like that, It lights the Whole Sky.
— Hafiz, The Gift (P. 34)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Accountability is the first strategy. Accountability means accepting responsibility for who you are today. In accepting responsibility, you own your past, present and future:
Past: Take ownership of what is yours to claim, and leave behind what does not belong to you.
Present: Acknowledge, recognize, and celebrate the incredible talents that are your inevitable responsibility to own.
Future: Move forward in life with clarity and purpose. Who you are today is a combination of events that have happened to you AND your response to each event. Everything you have and are today can be directly attributed to decisions you have made in the past.
Ultimately, you establish your direction. Which direction are you facing? Do you choose decline, stagnation, or growth?
A woman who is accountable lives by the following guidelines:
She takes full responsibility for herself in this moment.
She shares the information she receives with others who can also benefit from it rather than withholding it or keeping it secret.
She seeks feedback from others and continually seeks to improve herself.
She has high aspirations and expectations for herself.
She respects the people in her life.
She does not blame others when things go wrong but rather learns what she can do to resolve or prevent both new and reemerging issues.
She is a straight-talker.
She effectively communicates her expectations to all who work with her.
She makes information transparent and accessible, in the truest sense.
Being fully accountable means taking full responsibility for both the negative and the positive outcomes in your life. You don’t have to like them—you just have to own them. Let go of blame. Stop making other people responsible for your well-being. Let go of excuses.
When you own it, you can change it! When you are in control of your life, you will naturally want to improve and grow.
The next four chapters will give you key insights into your first steps toward accountability.
Chapter 1: What’s Your Excuse?
The first step toward becoming accountable is to become aware of the excuses you are making about your current situation. Accountability means “The buck stops here.” Excuses weaken our resolve. They remove responsibility for the outcome—whatever that outcome may be—from us and place that responsibility upon others. When we blame others, it means we have surrendered our power by letting them, not us, determine the outcome. Confidence through accountability means the ability to impact the outcome directly. As long as the finger is pointed outward, we have no accountability but also no opportunity to influence our future for the better.
Take Marianne for example. For years, Marianne could not advance in her profession. She was very good at her job as an ad copywriter; in fact, she seemed to be so good that she would not now or ever be promoted upward. She had worked for the same company for three years and then, thinking she might find more opportunity elsewhere, she made a lateral move to another company. After two years with the new company, she had still not advanced in her field. When she came to see me, she was tired of looking through the proverbial glass ceiling without being able to break through it. As we delved deeper into her situation, her list of excuses grew.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.
— Erica Jong
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
She assumed that her work should speak for itself and that if she earned a promotion, it would come her way. Marianne had not asked for a raise or a promotion because she felt it was beneath her to bring it up. If it were deserved, her boss should recognize that and give it to her. But no matter how hard she worked, the men in her office got promotions while she was always bypassed.
While Marianne wanted the increased status and raise that came with a promotion, she was hesitant to take on the steep learning curve of asserting herself so she could get it.
As I came to know Marianne better, she revealed to me that she had been abused as a child, which resulted in her having anxieties about asserting her rights to a man in a position of authority over her. She had experienced abuse because as a female and a child, she was an easy victim. She had been vulnerable at the wrong time and exposed to the wrong person. Ever since, she felt victimized by what she could not control. Society had failed to protect her, and now it owed her something.
As we explored her situation further, Marianne figured out that her own beliefs were what was holding her back. Because she feared and revered men, she would not assert herself. Her male counterparts were networking their way into raises while she was passively waiting for recognition. The excuses she made actually were ways for her to avoid taking responsibility for her own destiny. Yes, she was abused as a child, and yes, she was let down by a society that was unable to assist her in any meaningful way, but she used those experiences from her past as leverage so she could excuse herself from any responsibility for the things that happened to her in the present.
Life happens. This we know.
We have all, to some degree or another, suffered. I can easily reach into the bag that contains my past and pull out incidences of sexual violence, unemployment, poverty, and despair. I’m willing to bet you can do the same. Depending on the severity of suffering, the degree to which one had or didn’t have choices, the duration, and the individual’s personality, you may need different degrees of assistance in order to end your suffering and to get on with your life. We also have little control over the lottery that places us in certain situations such as the country where we are born, our available opportunities, our experiences with cataclysmic events (such as tsunamis, earthquakes, mudslides, floods, and so on), the conditions of our individual cultures and the world, and last but by no means least, the families into which we are born.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Growing old is a privilege denied to many.
— Anonymous
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Life is suffering. According to Buddhists, this is the first noble truth, an irrefutable fact that we must acknowledge. Life comes with its original blessing (existence through birth) and is met with physical and psychological pain. Our bodies will encounter aging, illness, disease, and death while our minds cling to the memory of youth. Our minds will experience angst, fear, frustration, disappointment, and anger. We’ll attach ourselves to a status, only to find that when we think we have achieved our goals, the rules have changed. Or the environment changes. Or we change, and we find that what we thought we wanted, we no longer desire.
Life is also a process. The suffering we all experience is a part of that process. All that exists is eternally changing. The past is unchangeable. It is only in this very moment that you can choose to continue as you did yesterday or to stop, notice, turn around, or otherwise change direction, and try another way.
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Becoming more aware of the mental program stored in the subconscious is the first step to personal freedom. The second step is evaluating those programs to see if they are in harmony with our goals and values and if they are effective in achieving those goals. The final step is to change the ineffective ones to practice the new behaviors.
— Robert Gerzon, Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety
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Becoming more aware of the mental program stored in the subconscious is the first step to personal freedom.
The phrase, “victim mentality” reflects a framework or emotional template of self-pity that we use to house this state of suffering. This is also known as the “woe-is-me” syndrome, the “I feel sorry for myself” attitude. It is the beginning of martyrdom. We can easily recognize this mentality in others, but it can be hard to recognize in ourselves—especially when we shield ourselves by blaming others.
You can either have excuses or you can have results. If you genuinely want results, you must make a conscious effort to minimize your excuses. To become fully accountable for your life, you must drop debilitating excuses, become aware of your default mental programming, and reframe your understanding of self.
This first strategy will be the most difficult—as such, it is the most critical. If you cannot claim ownership to your own story, you will continue the life you have lived and chosen so far.
Moving from Martyr to Champion
In order to nurture the first strategy, accountability, we need to distance ourselves from the martyr mentality. The further we are situated away from martyrdom, the greater ownership we have over our own circumstances. This distance from martyrdom grants us the ability to move forward by our own volition, giving us greater control to determine our own destiny.
We are a victim-centric society; we are conditioned to live with a victim mentality. In this victim-centric state, we blame others for what’s wrong with our lives and/or the rest of the world. Life just “happens to us.” We let our past determine our present and our future.
For some, the key to breaking the victim mentality is contained in language. For instance, a woman may be encouraged to call herself a rape survivor rather than a rape victim. For others, the key is contained in your mindset. For instance, a woman may need to discern how a past survival tactic (such as physical disassociation) might not be an advantageous tactic in the present. External events will shape you, but your response to them will ultimately determine your experiences in life.
In this following section, we will look at four archetypes. Archetypes are information-rich categories that help us to understand the complexities of our nature and how we function.
The Martyr (I’m Wounded and Broken; You’re Strong)
The Martyr suffers because she was unjustifiably damaged in her past, and now she is overwhelmed by a sense of oppression and powerlessness. She feels helpless and hopeless. She is ashamed of who she is today, and she wants a prince (metaphorically speaking) to come and save her.
I was strongly positioned as a Martyr for two long decades. After being sexually assaulted, I felt broken and as if the world owed me something. For twenty years, I waited for retribution, all the while believing that my life’s destiny was limited by my socially imposed role as a subservient woman. I felt victimized, oppressed, and powerless, and I acted accordingly—what I produced reflected that state of mind. While I was waiting for the world to change to suit me, my life stagnated. I bounced from one minimum-wage job to the next, one boarding room to the next, one relationship to the next.
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We cannot have a world where everyone is a victim. “I’m this way because my father made me this way. I’m this way because my husband made me this way.” Yes, we are indeed formed by traumas that happen to us. But you must take charge, you must take over, you are responsible.
— Camille Paglia
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The Rescuer (I’m Broken, but I’ll Help You Get Better)
The Rescuer is often an enabler, one who allows the Martyr to perpetuate her state of misery. The Rescuer is indeed dependent on the Martyr’s “stuck” state because it reinforces the Rescuer’s identity or role.
I also have done my time as a Rescuer. I spent a decade working with other women in a counseling setting. I helped a fair number of women along the way, but my primary motive was to feel better about myself by “fixing” others. Although I helped other women to recover from trauma, I was not prepared to deal with my own problems.
Do you find yourself standing on the shoulders of fallen and broken people in order to boost your own sense of self? If so, it may be time to step off their shoulders and start standing by your own volition.
The Tyrant (I’m Absolutely Right; You’re Absolutely Wrong)
The Tyrant is the perfectionist bully who is out to prove that the world is wrong and that she is always “right.” She spends a lot of time positioning herself intellectually. Directly or indirectly, she says, “It is all your fault.” She spends a lot of time feeling sorry for herself and blaming others for her miserable lot in life. She is highly critical and often mobilized to action only through anger. She is a rigid authoritarian who clearly (in her own mind) already has all the answers.
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We are not responsible for what got programmed into our subconscious; all of the important software was loaded into our brains during our first few years of life. But, as adults, we are responsible for whether or not we keep it there.
— Robert Gerzon, Finding Serenity in the Age of Anxiety
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
She is also in a very interesting predicament. In her rigid belief that she is right, she won’t attempt anything where she cannot win. If she doesn’t try, she can’t fail. And if she can’t fail, she will continually be “successful.”
In the Tyrannical state, we become exceedingly petty and poison the world with harsh judgment.
The Champion (How Can I Help You?)
Whereas the Rescuer is broken and finds a measure of value in helping others, the Champion derives her sense of purpose and value from within. As the ultimate heroine, she knows she is okay in every way, that she is in control of her destiny, and that she can achieve what she wants in life regardless of what happens to her. She seeks those who are more skilled than her so she can learn from their experiences. When she reaches out to those who are broken, it is not to find her worth, identity, or value; it is done in service to the other.
The Champion accepts that she is the creator of her destiny. She knows she can remodel whatever disaster befalls her and grow as a result of it, and she demands that same level of accountability from others.
This book will give you the tools to drive forward your own unstoppable creative self, which will in turn allow you to maximize the amount of time you spend as a Champion. Unless you liken yourself to Mother Teresa, living in the Champion paradigm 24/7 should be an aspiration not a concrete goal. As with most mortals, you will continue to experience all four of these roles, from Martyr to Champion. The objective is not to be “perfect” or to attach yourself to one particular role; it is gradually to spend more time associating with your inner Champion and less time with the other three.
Mapping the Architypes
Were you to map the four archetypes alongside the four quadrants of the 1969 bestseller by Thomas A. Harris, MD, I’m OK, You’re OK, the completed chart would look like this.
Another model is offered by David Logan[2], a faculty member at the University of Southern California, in his work on tribal stages. Per Logan’s definition, a “tribe” is a group of people defined by a set of commonalities.
Again, understand that we’re dealing with categories. Categories enable a deeper understanding of the components within us. While each individual celebrates freedom of choice and a freedom of personality, we are simultaneously equally predictable.
I compare my Four Quadrants with the works of Harris and Logan to show that we are working with types, and that types can be categorized and thus understood. However you choose to categorize it, on whatever scale, what matters is that you understand there are different ways to experience life. When blame is heightened, you’re closer to one end of the spectrum; when accountability is heightened, you’re closer to the other end. Through increased awareness, you can adjust your position on this scale.
Keep in mind that these categories are on a scale and are not presented with firm, indestructible parameters. When you find yourself playing the Martyr, acting as the Rescuer, or being the Tyrant, become aware of what you’re doing and gently nudge yourself toward quadrant four and your image of the Champion.
Call to Action
Recall a time when you have played each of the four roles. Because recalling certain life experiences can bring up shame or self-doubt, the memories may be difficult to relive. However, beginning to admit our own role is the beginning of assuming responsibility. Responsibility begets accountability, and accountability lets you “drive your own car,” “direct your own show,” or whatever metaphor works best for you.
When have you played, or when do still play, the role of the Victim? Think of a specific incident. What did it feel like? What did it sound like? What did it look like? Make some notes below.
When have you played, or when do still play, the role of the Rescuer? Think of a specific incident. What did it feel like? What did it sound like? What did it look like? Again, you can make some notes below.
When have you played, or when do still play, the role of the Tyrant? Remember a specific incident. What did it feel like? What did it sound like? What did it look like? Record your thoughts.
When have you played, or when do still play, the role of the Champion? Think of a specific incident, or think about what an ultimate hero would look like to you. What does it feel like? What does it sound like? What does it look like? Write it down! This one’s for YOU.
Now that you are seeing the full-range of yourself and becoming aware of your inner “higher self”—your inner and true hero—you are now ready to think like a Champion and tackle your life accordingly. In the next section, we will look at the mindset behind thinking BIG while making certain that you don’t fall victim to the greatest human weakness.
The Greatest Human Weakness
Accountability is partially about claiming your own baggage. We’ve examined some of the unpleasant contents of that baggage. Now, let’s look for some of the good stuff. It’s there. I guarantee you. You’ve just got to reach down far enough, rummage around long enough, and recognize real treasure once you find it.
In his book The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz claims that the greatest human weakness is self-deprecation.[3]
Reread that line until it really sinks in. How many times have you told yourself that your strengths really aren’t all that amazing? How many times have you belittled your strengths even after someone else has told you your talent truly is remarkable?
One of my inherent qualities is delegating. When I was promoted from senior to chief instructor with the Canada Safety Council (Canada’s top motorcycle safety school), I had to undergo a weekend of intensive training. One of the assignments the trainees were given was designed to push us out of our comfort zone and demonstrate to the examiner how we would solve an unsolvable problem.
The night before we were to give our presentations, while the others went to their hotel rooms to prepare, I came up with my game plan, went to the bar for a drink, and then went to bed. The next day started with the grand finale, our presentations. I sat through a multitude of awe-inspiring presentations that included flip charts, soundtracks, cross references, and overview maps. Then I was up. With clammy palms and knocking knees, I stuck to my plan—not because I was convinced my plan was great, but because I had no time to change it. I divided the group up into four teams, and re-presented the problem to them. Each team was to come up with one to three solutions. After a specific amount of allotted time went by, we returned to being one group to brainstorm for the best solution.
In the middle of my process, I glanced up at the lead examiner and was dismayed to see that he had dropped his marking pen and was not taking notes like he had with all the others. Instead, he was sitting back with his arms crossed and rocking his chair back. What could only be a smirk was on his face.
I groaned. Surely I had failed the test.
I then thought, “I’m deep into this program, and I’m not going to walk away defeated.” I turned back to my group and completed the exercise. I ended my presentation as planned and then turned to the evaluators for their marks and feedback.
Brian, the lead examiner, had only two words for me. “Kobayashi Maru.”
Frowning, I replied, “I have no idea what you mean.”
“Look it up,” he said. “You passed with flying colors.”
Later, I did research that strange phrase. Kobayashi Maru refers to an episode in the television show “Star Trek,” where Captain Kirk solves an unsolvable computer program by rewriting the computer program itself. Some liken this to cheating; others say it’s brilliant problem-solving. I prefer the latter, of course! Brian did as well.
When Brian spoke with me later, he told me he had stopped marking because I had essentially rewritten the assignment and completed it based entirely on my rewrite. He couldn’t mark me because his marking scheme was no longer applicable. He told me that in all of his years of administering chief promotions, he had never had anyone take this approach. It was by far the most creative approach he had ever seen in his years of administering the final and ultimate upgrade.
I did not value my ability to facilitate, to lead a group through a brain-storm session, and to come up with a remarkable solution. I just did what came easily to me, but because I doubted my own capabilities, my interpretation of the event was that I had failed. It had not been a smirk on Brian’s face but a smile of amazement. He did not drop his marking pen because he was going to give me a failing grade but because I had exceeded all expectations.
Brian thought my skill to delegate the problem was genius, and this skill continues to serve me well.
If you are self-deprecating about your own talents, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your inventory of strengths and skill sets. If you hear other people saying that something you do quite easily is remarkable, and you find yourself saying, “Oh, really, it’s nothing,” stop and reassess the value you place on your own skills and talents.
One of my neighbors, Terri Rowe Boizard, is a mother to three beautiful children. Terri “tinkers” in photography. If you walk into her house, you’ll think you are in an art gallery, surrounded by a multitude of professional photographs of her children at various stages in their lives. The photos capture her children’s essence, seldom seen so up close and personal.
The photographs you see here are those of my daughter taken by Terri. On a fall day, she captured the angelic essence of my daughter, Ariah along with other children in the neighborhood. A few rolls of fi lm resulted, with each picture as breathtakingly beautiful as the next. Terri managed to capture the angelic side of childhood that often goes unnoticed in our hectic pace of living, or lost in childish tantrums and parenting predicaments.
Her studio? The great outdoors. All she did to prepare for her photo shoot was to set up a bale of hay, call over a bunch of neighborhood kids, and begin shooting images with her trained eye and camera. The kids were to “come as they are.” Parents were dissuaded from fixing wild hairdos and changing their children’s clothes. She has given me permission to include a few of those photographs here.
Terri spent forty-five minutes watching the kids playing and casually taking pictures; the neighborhood parents were delighted at the gift of these incredible photos.
I have tried to convince Terri that she has a valuable coveted skill she can turn into money, while positively serving the community.
To which she steadily replies, “It’s nothing really; just something I do for fun. No one would ever pay me for that!”
Again and again, I beg to differ!
Whatever it is you are good at, from singing to painting to organizing corporations, it’s a skill someone else will appreciate. If you are providing a valuable service and if you value your skill, then you have something of incredible value that can change your world and/or the world around you.
The Magic of Thinking Big makes it clear that each and every one of us is important and worthy of BIG aspirations. If you find yourself thinking small far too often, you can draw on one of my favorite quotes from
T. Harv Eker: “Don’t believe a word you think.” If you generally think small and belittle yourself, there’s great truth in this statement.
Call to Action
What follows is the first of many lists you will compose during your journey through this book.
List ten things you are reasonably good at.
List five things you consider to be your top strengths.
List three things other people consider to be your talents.
List three things your mother (or a mother figure in your life) most admires about you.
For each item above, make a list of skills required to be successful at that particular strength or talent.
Luck as a Self-Fulfilling Prophesy
According to Seneca, the Roman dramatist, philosopher, and politician, luck “is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” If you are closed to the possibility of opportunity, all the preparation in the world won’t serve you.
Luck is a perfect example of self-fulfilling prophecy. It can be self-defined. If you believe you are lucky, you will be lucky. If you’re convinced you are forever unlucky, then being unlucky is what you will experience in life.
Do you think of yourself as one of the world’s lucky people? Do amazing things happen to you seemingly out of the blue? Conversely, do you see yourself as one of the world’s unlucky people? Do miserable things keep happening to you?
We have recently heard much chatter about thoughts perpetrating our realities. In fact, some Law of Attraction proponents advocate that your entire reality is based on your thoughts. I don’t take it that far, but I do believe that what you think is what you will see.
Consider the famous glass-half-empty scenario. It’s a bit cliché, but it holds a vital kernel of truth that bears repeating.
People who consider themselves lucky, who believe that good things typically happen to them, would look at a half-full glass of water and know that they have enjoyed what they have already consumed. Not only have they enjoyed the first half of the glass, but they see an equal amount of beverage/substance/joy still ahead. The super-optimist may even go so far as to point out that she can refill her glass when it is empty. The word abundance comes to mind.
People who consider themselves unlucky, on the other hand, would bemoan that half of their glass of water is gone. They may have enjoyed the first half, but what remains is only a part of what it was before. And once that is consumed? Then what? That glass may never again be refilled. The scarcity mentality sets in. “This is all I have left, and I must savor it. I must guard it with my life.” Indeed, the rest of the water may never be consumed from fear of losing and never regaining.
Richard Wiseman, a professor of psychology at the University of Hertfordshire, has studied the phenomenon of “luck.” Among other things, he has shown how people who expect good luck might put more effort into their ventures, resulting in more success and thereby reinforcing their belief in good luck. Moreover, lucky people are more likely to look on the bright side of bad encounters. In a mental exercise describing being shot during a bank robbery, lucky people considered themselves lucky not to have been killed while unlucky people considered themselves unlucky to have been shot.
Wiseman wrote an article for the BBC titled “The Loser’s Guide to Getting Lucky.” In the article, he tells of a simple experiment he did. He gave all participants, who were self-defined as either lucky or unlucky, a newspaper and asked them to count the number of photographs they saw. Inside the newspaper he had placed a message that read, “Tell the experimenter you have seen this and win £250.” This message took up half of the page and appeared in type that was more than two inches high. The self-defined unlucky people typically missed the ad, and—you guessed it—the self-defined lucky people typically spotted it. Wiseman’s rationale was that self-defined lucky people are more relaxed and open to opportunity, seeing beyond the immediate task at hand. Self-defined unlucky people are tenser, and their anxiety disrupts their ability to notice the unexpected.
Here are Wiseman’s four tips for becoming lucky:
Go with your gut. It’s your instinct trying to tell you something. It’s probably right.
Break with your normal routine. Try new things. Open yourself to new experiences.
At the end of each day, recount how many things actually worked out for you. You might be surprised! Spend a few moments each day remembering things that went well.
If you’re going into a high-stress situation like a job interview or a presentation, spend a moment to visualize yourself as a lucky person. Tap into the self-fulfilling power of luck![4]
Call to Action
Here are a few questions to contemplate.
Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky?
If unlucky, what needs to change in your life so you can consider yourself lucky?
How can you bring this change about?
How can you start finding luck in your story?
What lucky events can you expect to happen to you today? List three.
What lucky events have already happened to you today? List three
Chapter 2: (re)Constructing Your Worldview
In the first chapter, we examined some of the more generic excuses that commonly prevent us from taking responsibility for our lives, from being accountable. Life is suffering, the victim mentality, the power of self-deprecation and the self-fulfilling prophecy of luck.
In this second chapter, we’re going to delve deeper into a worldview that is very gender specific.
Whether we like it or not, our gender places us in a context that is violent and misogynistic. As women, we are continually aware of sexual vulnerabilities, and we have a hypersensitivity to body image. It is important to acknowledge the feminine experience, the feminine context, because it is what shapes our experiences and consequently forms our daily beliefs. And it is also important to acknowledge that our experiences, too, can be viewed from another angle.
In order to become increasingly accountable, we need to recognize how our experiences impact (and shape) our beliefs. In the following pages, we’re going to draw a line in the sand between what you are responsible for, and what clearly belongs to another person.
Ours is a Violent World
Ours is indeed a violent world. Violence against women and children is rampant, so much so that it is not an anomaly but a norm. In the same way Buddhists declare that the first noble truth is that “life is suffering,” I raise this issue not to bring another excuse to the table but rather to acknowledge the context that violence has in shaping our beliefs. If I am to live among lions, then I must acknowledge their presence. Denial has never helped one become more accountable. Denial has never nurtured confidence. Acknowledging our environment is critical in nurturing a continual increase in accountability.
When gender is a weapon of war and a means of social control, you know that misogyny exists on a large, large scale. The tactics are familiar to us all, ranging from comfort women to mass-rape to sexual enslavement to honor killings and genital mutilation.
We know of these things. They continually appear in the news and in documentaries. In fact, we are so inundated with these events that we cease to notice them or their importance. We give a distant nod and acknowledge what’s happening, and then we go on with our own lives, thankful that we are living in such a “civilized” society.
But take a closer look. Think of two other women you know. Between you three, one of you has experienced and reported an incident of sexual violence. I’m willing to bet that another one of you is keeping a secret.
Statistics paint one picture; experience paints quite another.
I consider my background quite normal. I was born to a middle class family that was fragmented when my parents separated when I was fifteen. I had an older and a younger brother. We had a dog and a cat and a car. We owned our home. Dad worked, mom was at home with us kids. In the winter we went cross-country skiing; in the summer we went hiking. After the parental units divorced, we experienced a sharp drop in economic status. The children (all teens at the time) rebelled. Utterly normal. And here is a four-year snapshot of my life’s framework growing up “normal,” looking at feminine experience in the context of violence. These are the female stories I was surrounded with. Some of the stories are mine; most belong to others. Indirectly, they belong to us all.
A pre-teen girl is repeatedly sexually fondled by her brother. He is found guilty and serves time in jail.
A teenager is sexually abused by her father and decides to press charges against him. She reports the incident of incest to the police. In a world of he-said-she-said court cases, her father is found “not guilty” and walks away a free man. He claims she ruined his reputation.
A teenager is gang-banged at a pit-party by so-called “friends.” The event is never reported.
A teenager is sexually pursued by her father. Not reported.
A child is sexually solicited by her mother (a prostitute) for money. As a teenager, the child is then physically and sexually abused repeatedly in a succession of foster homes. When reported, she is removed to another where the event happens again; subsequent events are not reported.
A teenager is raped by a stranger. Reported.
A young woman is date-raped. Not reported.
A young woman is sexually molested in a bar, and later gang-raped in a separate room. Not reported.
A young woman is jumped and sexually mauled in front of a donut shop. Results unknown.
These unwanted and undesired sexual intrusions are just some of the ones I know about, have witnessed, or have personally experienced. Because people generally don’t speak freely about these “shameful” acts, I suspect that much, much more has happened in the lives of the women who surround me.
The Perpetrator Needs Repair
Violence against women is real. Her susceptibility to abuse is not an anomaly; it’s the norm. Again, look to your left and look to your right. Statistics under-report the real picture (we women under-report what happens to us).
What the reported statistics, and the anecdotal and personally experienced unreported non-statistics, say to me is that a woman’s exposure to sexual violence, by virtue of her gender, is normal. Which begs the question, should “normal” and commonly occurring events be traumatized? Shouldn’t it be the unusual and damaging behavior that gets mended?
I think it’s safe to assume it is not a one-to-one ratio of perpetrator to victim. If we say that one third of the population has been abused, it doesn’t mean that one-third of the population is a perpetrator of abuse. I think it’s safe to assume that perpetrators tend to re-offend, or incur multiple offenses. I think it’s safe to assume that while the female victim is in a normal state of being, it is the perpetrator who is the anomaly. And as such, it should be the unusual, the perpetrator, who receives the services, the counseling, and the continued support.
When a bully terrorizes others in the playground, it is the child with the anomalous behavior (the bully) whose behavior is addressed. When a scuffle breaks out in high school and a nose is broken, the one with the broken nose goes to the hospital to get it set; the one who delivered the nose-breaking punch might receive anger-management counseling. Yet somehow the rules are different in gender-violence. The woman is encouraged to receive counseling; the perpetrator is left to figure things out for himself.
We are fortunate enough to live in a society where it is topically permissible to discuss a crime against a woman without actually blaming her. A woman subjected to rape is typically not abandoned by her family and then stoned to death as a sport at the local community center. This acknowledgment that the woman is an abuse recipient and not at fault in these situations provides an opening for an understanding that is impossible in many parts of the world, but potentially achievable here: we can begin to explore the possibility of “helping” the perpetrator to prevent him (or, yes, 5% of the time, “her”) from offending or re-offending.
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We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.
— George Bernard Shaw
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A big part of increasing your own accountability is accepting what you are responsible for, and then drawing a BIG line in the sand firmly stating where your responsibility ends, and where that of another begins.
If you experienced any degree of sexual interruption, it’s your responsibility to acknowledge your past, make peace with it, and then set about to self-determine who you are going to be for today and tomorrow. But the violent imposition is solely the responsibility of the perpetrator. They are the ones who have deviated from the norm; they are the ones who require intensive repair.
Getting Over Your Story
Many years ago, I worked as a crisis counselor at the Victoria Rape Crisis Centre. In our training, we were told that sexual assault victims often suffer night terrors, which explained why they’d light up the phones at 3:30 in the morning although in most cases the event was years old. It wasn’t our job as crisis counselors to “cure” them but rather to “go into the dark pit” with them and accompany them during this difficult time. It was our job to hear their stories and to sit with them as they revisited the terror of the past anew.
It sounded sensible and sane. I knew that when people suffer the death of someone close, they just want to be able to talk about their grief and don’t need to hear that they will “get over it someday.” I’d had my own litany of bad experiences, and I had sometimes needed someone to come and sit with me.
After being on the crisis phone lines for about a year, I migrated to a different view. Many of the callers I had the opportunity to speak with had “suffered” sexual trauma years ago, so they had their stories down pat. Experienced counselors would forewarn the newer counselors about certain clients, those who knew their stories by heart and were addicted to a specific response (sympathy). When challenged to change their perspective or response, these callers would hang up and call at another time. Their primary objective was often to find a sympathetic counselor—one that allowed them to stay in a “stuck” state while blaming the rest of the world.
I understood them all too well, because for twenty years, I too was addicted to my own story, stuck in my own pit of perpetual self-wallowing misery.
Yes, it’s true. I’m embarrassed to say that I spent a long time bemoaning my lot in life, recalling and reliving the pain, the humiliation, and the suffering. I often wondered whom I would be had I not suffered through these experiences. I felt how much more successful I could have been had these events never happened. I made excuses. I sought the rescuer. I believed that the world owed me something. And I suffered, reliving the memories again and again.
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“But” is an argument for your limitations, and when you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them.
— Les Brown
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At age thirty-five, I finally quit the addiction of making excuses. I reduced the size of my “but.” The feminist writer Camille Paglia was very instructive on this one. She holds a very controversial view about victimization, a view to which I subscribe:
My Sixties attitude is, yes, go for it, take the risk, take the challenge— if you get raped, if you get beat up in a dark alley in a street, it’s okay. That was part of the risk of freedom, that’s part of what we’ve demanded as women. Go with it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go on.[5]
Note that this quote is somewhat out of context. For Paglia, sexual “outcomes” are a result of risk, meaning that if you dress sexy, you will attract the “sexual gaze.” By doing so, you increase the level of sexuality in a situation and thereby increase your personal risk.
I like the quote because it confirms for me that you CAN indeed pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with life! Paglia’s statement also recognizes that nothing is pathologically wrong with the victim.
Now there’s a thought! I had always maintained that it was not the victim who required post-trauma services but the perpetrator. The victim needs immediate attention and support, but the long-term attention should really be turned to the perpetrator so his crimes are never repeated or inflicted upon society again.
Paglia also writes, “Rape does not destroy you forever. It’s like getting beaten up. Men get beat up all the time.”[6] According to Paglia, it is the perpetrator, not the woman, the so-called “victim,” who needs “fixing.”
When we were taught at the Rape Crisis Centre to “sit in the pit” with a woman reliving her terrors, we were in fact pathologizing the “victim,” viewing her as the abnormal one. Later, I shifted my view to one that now said there nothing is truly nothing wrong with her. She is not dis-eased. She may need help navigating her way through the immediacy of her trauma, but she doesn’t need to park her life there. The person who needs specialized attention, and is least likely to receive it, is the perpetrator. Sadly, our culture is not quite ready to recognize this need. (In fact, I remember some of the counselors-in-training having a venomous reaction against providing counsel to a rapist or child molester.)
A recipient of any form of violence, whether actively or passively perpetrated, needs recognition and needs to voice the experience; having said that, she does not need to wear a mantle of shame forever. Our job now is to get on with our lives.
Thriving in the Face of Violence
Since choosing to lessen the focus on the victim of sexual assault and heighten the focus on the perpetrator, I’ve encountered many people who have survived—even thrived—in the face of violence. Writer David Pelzer chronicled his story of abuse in A Child Called It, which was one of the most horrific cases of child abuse in California’s history. The most notable aspect of his writing is that in spite of his horrific past, Pelzer maintains that it’s what you do about your circumstances that matters most. Today, Pelzer works primarily with teenagers, helping them to move beyond the past. He helps them to navigate out of their despair and to distinguish their identities as separate from the events that inflicted trauma.
John Walsh, host of television’s “America’s Most Wanted,” lived through one of the most horrific events imaginable for any parent when his six-year old son Adam was abducted and murdered. Instead of lying down and metaphorically dying himself, Walsh radically changed how the law deals with child violence in North America. The work of Walsh and his family ultimately led to:
The Missing Children Act in 1982, and the Missing Children’s Assistance Act in 1984.
The Adam Walsh Child Resource Center.
The creation of a national sex offender registry and online tracking capabilities.
The incorporation of the “Adam code” in many malls and department stores, where a public announcement is made when a child is either missing or found.
In October 2008, Walsh was awarded the Operation Kids 2008 Lifetime Achievement Award for his dedication to child safety.
Many sexual assault survivors have thrived despite their past. Pelzer and Walsh serve as shining examples of thriving in the face of adversity.
If you’ve experienced sexual abuse (or coined in my favorite way, sexual interruption), you are keeping company with some extraordinary people, including poets (Ann Sexton), singers (Sinead O’Connor, Tori Amos) and royalty (Queen Elizabeth I). Many more examples are around you, famous and not. You may not know that some of the strongest and most successful people in your life have lived through trauma. You don’t realize it because they are not their trauma, just like you are not yours.