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“A Woman That Has Power Within”
By: Melantha A. Nelson
Table Of Contents:
Chapter One-Women’s Sexuality & Sexual Relationships 6
Chapter Two-The Good Girl VS The Empowered Woman 16
Chapter Three- Getting Rid OF Toxic Friendships & Relationships 22
Chapter Four-Self Control & Patience 31
Chapter Five-Building Confidence 34
Chapter Six-Self-Esteem 37
Chapter Seven-Single Women & Married Women 40
Chapter Eight-The Bitch 42
Chapter Nine-Double Standards Between Men & Women 44
Chapter Ten-Why Some Women Hate On Other Women 47
Chapter Eleven- When The World Says No 50
Chapter Twelve-Women That Don’t Desire To Have Kids 52
Chapter Thirteen- Conclusion 54
Introduction:
A woman’s worth is being the real woman that you are and not living
by the world’s standards. In today’s society it’s very hard to be the person
you are and it’s hard to be true to yourself when everyone around you is
telling you how to be and how to behave. With everything on television,
books, and magazines women’s so called sex appeal is everywhere. A lot of
us are brainwashed into what our standards of a woman is supposed to be.
It’s either we are too sexy and we are sluts or that we look and act too much
like a prude. We can never truly ever get it right. As women we are always adjusting to everyone. We have so many personalities, that we don’t even know who we are on a daily basis. If you want to be a career woman and you are not interested in having children, you are not woman enough. There must be something wrong with you and you must be gay. Another scenario is that if you want to be married with kids, you are not worldly enough.
The world and society can make you go crazy, mentally if you let
them. Recently, in my life I got over always adjusting to people’s moods or
opinions. I never want to offend anyone, but someone is going to always get upset about something that you have done or something that you are getting ready to do. As long as I was taking care of everyone and keeping quiet, everyone was happy. If I voiced my opinion or got angry, the people around me, shut down. They would say things like “ I can’t believe she said that” or “You need to stop being so aggressive”. When I heard those comments so much, I crawled up under a shell and I stopped being who I was and I started being weak and passive and I also became stuck. I let people define who I was. As women we have to learn to stand up for ourselves. The world and society is scared to death of a woman who is confident and ambitious and that’s in a balanced way. It doesn’t mean that you have to be rude or nasty to people. It’s just all about being a strong and determined woman who does not play under the gender roles. When a man is ambitious and determined he is looked up to as a God and if women are doing the same thing she is a mean old lady, who needs to keep quiet and stay in the kitchen and cook. Well me of course I am here to let young women and the women my age know that you can do whatever you set your mind to. Don’t get me wrong there will be obstacles and issues to face and you will have those negative voices and people telling you how limited you are and that you need to behave this way and just accept your life for what it is. Ladies you have control over your lives. You can’t control anyone else but yourself. You have to live life to the fullest. Don’t let life put or keep you down. Life will always come along with obstacles and problems, but life also has its good things in life.
Chapter One: Women’s Sexuality and Sexual Relationships
For years there has always been double standards towards a woman’s
sexuality. Women want to have sex just as much as men do at times.
Sometimes women are scared to admit to that, because of people’s reactions.
Society has made women feel very ashamed of their sexuality. We are told
not to enjoy it and to never initiate it either. We are put in a shell. Men are only supposed to enjoy the benefits of sex.
Single women have the opportunity to have sexual encounter
whenever they please. I believe that a woman should own her own sexuality. It’s hers to control. No I’m not saying she should go around broadcasting her business and telling everyone about her last night sex encounter. I’m just saying that it is not what you do. It is how you conduct yourself. Single women want good sex too. That is something hard to find, at times. Some men don’t care about satisfying a woman. They just want theirs. Funny, huh? As women, sometimes we don’t realize how much power we have and that we can control a lot more than what we know of. There is not anything wrong with a woman controlling her life, including her sex life. I believe as long as she is confident and secure, and definitely emotionally stable, within her self, I find nothing wrong with dating different guys and enjoying a man’s company. I believe it’s all about the maturity level. As a woman we should not expect to have sex with a man early in the relationship or friendship and expect to be with him exclusively. We at times have to think and date like a man. You should know exactly what you are looking for. If you are going out for a good time, expect that. Every individual is different and everyone is out for certain types of relationships. These days it’s called one night stands, friends with benefits, or booty calls. As women usually nine times out of ten we get confused with these issues and sometimes end up in disasters. We hook up with someone and then we want the relationship. We have to be careful when we use sex for that. It might not be wise to have sex with a bunch of men and get mad at them for not wining and dining us. You have to be careful about how you put your sexuality out there or how you give it away. It can be fulfilling and satisfying as long as you know what to expect and not get your feelings and emotions to caught up, because as women, naturally we are like that. It’s in our genes. We don’t learn to separate sex and love like men do. You have to be very mature if you want to date like a man.
I read in a recent article about another issue women are so ashamed of
when it comes to their sexuality. Sometimes we lie as women because we
don’t want to be labeled as whores. Most of us don’t want to admit that we
watch pornography, and that we lost our virginity at a very young age, or
that we sometimes masturbate. Like I was saying before we are told not to
enjoy our sexuality. As women we are very sensitive about reactions of other people. We are so worried or I should say we are overly worried about people’s opinions.
Today, we also have religious leaders telling us that sex is only confined to marriage and only should be used to have children and not for pleasure. I don’t believe God wants us to make or think sex is dirty, especially when it comes to women in general whether they are married or single. It’s made to have single people think if they have sex before marriage they are doomed to hell, which I think is a bunch of crap. Sex and people’s sexuality is a beautiful thing. Sex should be a wonderful encounter with two people (or more, depending on the individual) that care for each other.
I believe when a woman is comfortable with her sexuality she is more confidant and more satisfied and she feels more like a real woman. Even with her body she is more confidant and she accepts herself. I know from personal experience when it comes to sex we have issues with not having the perfect body during sex with a man. You always want to hide something. We are always trying to be something we are not. We are always comparing ourselves with other women. That’s something we have to stop doing. We only need to compete with ourselves not other people. None of us will hit 100% perfect mark. We all have flaws. Women have to learn, including myself to be comfortable with us, including our sexuality. There is nothing wrong with being a feeling sexy. There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself sexuality, of course behind closed doors. If you are not comfortable with yourself, how can you share your body with someone else? It would be a very strange situation and not a comfortable situation. Many women don’t even know their genitals. A lot of us don’t have enough sexual education. One thing we are scared to ask is to ask a man about what we want in bed. We don’t know how to express ourselves. For most of us we don’t know right from wrong when it comes to sexual relations. Sometimes with our sexuality we give in to the wrong person, because even in your adult hood we end up in situations because of peer pressure. Sexuality does not define us as a whole woman: it’s only a part of us. We have to take charge of our own sexuality and our own actions when it comes to that.
Being a woman is being sexual and learning and understanding our female bodies. That’s something I’m also learning to, as I get older. All women should be comfortable and secure with the subject of sexuality. Women’s sexuality can be expressed in many different ways. There are women that are virgins who have never had sexual intercourse. There are women that are bisexual and love making love or having sex with both men and women and there are women that are lesbians that only are attracted to women. As women we are so universal and we have a lot of power. We can sleep with anyone that we choose. It’s about our maturity and the individual. Making love and having sex are two totally different aspects of relationships, even though both are the same actual physical act. Making love is a higher power in an exclusive relationship. Women are aroused by their sexuality in different ways than men are. That includes sound, taste, smells, or a touch. A woman can get sexually aroused.
Women should take their time and be confidant when exploring sexual encounters. We have to take control of getting and using birth control and protection. Don’t get me wrong we have all made mistakes and didn’t think of using them and that is why there are unwanted pregnancies and diseases that you get. We have to practice safer sex and protect both yourself and your partner. The way a woman is brought up is how she represents her sexuality. From my experience sex was not a good subject to bring up. It was told me not to do it and of course I wanted to even explore more. Yes, I have regrets and I wish I would have waited, maybe I would have better experiences, but I have had good ones too. A woman’s sexuality changes and matures. This is a life long process. Every woman is on a different maturity level. We are all different when it comes to our sexuality. It can be a very healthy thing to a woman. We just have to be secure in our sexuality and not be afraid to express. When it comes to our sexuality it is ours. We own it.
Unhealthy sexual relationships can take a toll on a woman’s mental and emotional being. That’s why you have to be careful and it is never to late to change your emotional being by getting help and seeking out other resources or other positive people that can help you get past unpleasant experiences.
Dealing with your sexuality in relationships is a very intimate and personal part of our lives. It is very important to pursue only healthy sexual relationships whether they are short or long-term situations. That is having mutual respect and concern for one another and accepting and taking responsibilities for one another actions. Communication is a wonderful key also and definitely using protection and other birth control methods. Relationships come and go change on different levels. Like I said before, it is a long process that we all go through. Human intimacy is very important and it is nice to enjoy the company of your partner and expressing yourself on a positive level.
This subject that I am going to bring up is very taboo to the world. Even though the world promotes so much sex on television, books, and music and promote infidelity, we are afraid to talk about MASTURBATION. Everyone’s head goes straight to the floor. People are very embarrassed about it, especially women. A lot of us don’t want to admit that we do it or have done it. Masturbation is a very healthy part of a woman’s sexuality. There is not anything wrong with it. Shame and guilt have been associated with masturbation for centuries. Over 70% of women have reported that they almost never have an orgasm while having intercourse. What we intend to overlook is that emotional factors are more important than the physical factors. With women having intercourse with an individual, she usually has orgasms with an individual that she has high emotional feelings for. Plus it all depends on how the individual (man) takes his time at pleasuring the woman. If intercourse is rushed an orgasm will not occur. With women, when it comes to sexual intercourse men and women are very much different. Men automatically have orgasms, but with women we are more emotional. We are more aroused by having someone touch us more. It’s not always the intercourse factor. That’s why women are more known to masturbate, even if they still do enjoy sex. Every woman also is different to. Some of us have more of a sex drive than others but masturbation can also help with future orgasms. There are healthy benefits to masturbation. Masturbation helps prevent cervical cancer and helps the symptoms of urinary tract infections. It is a way of getting rid of bacteria. It also can release tension and stress especially after a hectic day. After the climax, the calming hormones endorphins and oxytocin are released making us fall asleep faster. Masturbation can keep your stress level down from all the demand may also open the lines communication with our partners, work, family, and home. Witnessing a partner masturbate might also open the lines of communication with our partners and they will know what we like and don’t like. Masturbation can make you feel more confident and connected. Celibacy is another interesting topic amongst women that I have read about in the past. If the world likes it or not a lot of people practice this, even some men. It’s more popular amongst women. To me celibacy is a personal choice. Not anyone else’s even religious leaders. I don’t believe they can go around telling people what to do behind closed doors. That is very personal and sacred to that person whether they want to practice celibacy or that they are sexually active. Celibacy is a good way to develop more confidence in yourself as a woman and it helps you recognize your self worth as a woman. I believe celibacy should be practiced with in some point of time in women’s lives. It builds character in your inner self. Yes, it is good for women to have sexual healthy lives but it does not always mean we have to give our bodies to everyone we meet. Having sexual relations should be done on a very mature and confident way. We should make our sexual relations with common sense and think our decisions through clearly, even though most of us and especially for myself have made very bad choices through life especially when it come to sex. Celibacy gives you a chance to get to know yourself. A lot of people and may even some other women may make fun of other women that practice this. I know I have but I did not let it bother me, because I know deep down inside they were already miserable and complaining that sex was not good to them. To me, I already knew that they were not happy and did not even like sex. Why keep having it and becoming more unfulfilled and only doing it just to be doing it. To me that is so stupid. You have more of a clearer head to make the right choices and decisions. Women practice celibacy for different reasons. A lot of us including me practice celibacy because we want to relate to men on a more friendship level instead of always looking at them like they are only good for being lovers or enemies. Women gain a certain amount of power or empowerment and a certain freedom when practicing celibacy. We choose to practice celibacy and we also know when we want to end it. It is our choice. We have the power over our bodies. Celibacy is still a form of female sexuality, even though most men do not like it and feels that there is something mentally wrong with you. I believe it intimidates them in some way and for some reason. Through celibacy women learn to control their lives, and to make clearer decisions and women have time to just focus on healthier friendships with men and other women. Through sex when we make bad choices with bad partners we end up learning to be a little girl again, and the only thing we want is to have sex to satisfy a man only and we are told by the world that a sexual relationship is the only thing that makes you a woman. I don’t think so. We are more than that. Our sexuality is a part of us and of course still important. We as women have to make our own choices about our sexuality.