The Man
God
Put On
My Heart
A Heart-rending Story of Non-reciprocal Love
Alana Tjon
Wordclay
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Bloomington, IN 47403
www.wordclay.com
Phone: 1-800-839-8640
©2008 Alana Tjon. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.
First published by Wordclay 11/14/2008
ISBN: 978-1-6048-1368-5(sc)
Printed in the United States of America
Bloomington, Indiana
This book is printed on acid-free paper
Unless otherwise indicated, all Bible quotations are taken from The New International Version of the Bible. Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society®
Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Accessed through: www.studylight.org
Copyright Statement - The Holy Bible, New International Version®
THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society®. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
The text may be quoted in any form (written, visual, electronic or audio), up to and inclusive of five hundred (500) verses without the express written permission of the publisher, providing the verses quoted do not amount to a complete book of the Bible nor do the verses quoted account for 25 percent (25%) or more of the total text the work in which they are quoted.
DEDICATION
I dedicate this book to RICHARD, better known as RICH, or as the man God put on my heart, and to my LORD and SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST, whom has taught me that— “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13NIV)
TABLE OF CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS...................................................................................
FOREWORD.........................................................................................................
INTRODUCTION................................................................................................
CHAPTER 1 - First Encounter..................................................................
CHAPTER 2 - Disappointing Discovery................................................
CHAPTER 3 - Secret Valentine.................................................................
CHAPTER 4 - Infatuation or Obsession?..............................................
CHAPTER 5 - Shocking Twisting of Events..........................................
CHAPTER 6 - First Usher Party...............................................................
CHAPTER 7 - Dialogue Needs Improvement.....................................
CHAPTER 8 - Roller Coaster Ride...........................................................
CHAPTER 9 - Sister Thing...........................................................................
CHAPTER 10- A Miraculous Sign............................................................
CHAPTER 11- Transparency....................................................................
CHAPTER 12- Rolled Up That Mat.........................................................
CHAPTER 13- Two Are Better Than One. ..........................................
CHAPTER 14- Tired of Being Rejected................................................
CHAPTER 15- Unrequited and Non-Reciprocal Love....................
CHAPTER 16- Time To Bring Closure.................................................
CHAPTER 17- Face-to-Face Confrontation.......................................
CHAPTER 18- Final Encounter..............................................................
EPILOGUE......................................................................................................
SCRIPTURE INDEX.....................................................................................
ABOUT THE AUTHOR................................................................................
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I AM DEEPLY INDEBTED to many of my dear friends, whom so graciously, emphatically, and patiently put up with my adolescent-type behavior, as I embarked upon this three-year-long journey of being madly in love with this man God put on my heart. Together we’ve laughed and cried; shed tears of joy, as well as tears of sorrow.
As you read this novel, you can reassure yourselves that your dear friend has not completely lost her mind after all, as most of you thought for sure I had. I was merely on the path of experiencing spiritual growth and maturity in Christ, while I suddenly fell in love in the process. I am quite certain that without your unconditional love, enormous support, and broad shoulders to lean on, the chances of survival would have been very slim to none, on this long and very painful journey God placed on the path of my Christian walk.
I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart with such gratitude, and my prayer is that God will always protect you and your families, watch over your comings and goings, provide for you, favor you, and mostly, bless you abundantly beyond your wildest imagination in all areas of your lives, just as you have blessed me time and time again.
Much Love and Many Blessings,
Your friend and sister in Christ,
Alana Tjon
FOREWORD
WHEN I INITIALLY felt prompted to write this book, I had no clue, as to whether a positive or a negative outcome would prevail, or, if my writings would conclude happy or sad. All I know, is that God already knew the outcome long before he even put the desire to write this book on my heart. This book is based on a true story, a beautiful and heartwarming story of non-reciprocal love, a non-fictional novel, which is written from a Biblical perspective. All names used throughout this story are fictitious, in order to preserve the anonymity of the characters depicted. Its contents, is in no way, shape or form, written or meant to slander or offend anyone portrayed in the story. It is merely a confession of my heart’s undying love for someone God has placed on my heart. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy as I take you on this beautiful journey of incessant and perpetual love, and tell you all about the man God put on my heart.
Alana Tjon
INTRODUCTION
FALLING IN LOVE can be one of life’s most beautiful experiences, especially, if the other person reciprocates. Non-reciprocal love, on the other hand, can be one of the most devastating and most heartbreaking experiences in one’s life, to the point that one never cares to fall in love again. So, how does one cope with this excruciating and painful phenomenon? Does one keep busy, in order to forget and to keep the focus off the person they have fallen so madly in love with? Learning to cope with non-reciprocal love is not an easy thing to do, however, there can be many ways to cope.
Undoubtedly, many professionals in the field of Psychology could give us some pointers and good advice; however, nothing can truly take away these feelings of non-reciprocal love, except when the person we are in love with reciprocates. So, when it’s not reciprocated, the only option remaining is to learn how to utilize our built-in coping mechanism. However, some of the side effects and feelings associated with non-reciprocal love can be quite complex.
First, you will undergo different phases, such as feelings of joy, excitement, hope, which have a tendency to make one feel like a teenager again. Secondly, the anticipation phase is next, where one constantly thinks and daydreams about the individual they are so madly in love with— perhaps the butterfly phase would be a much more suitable name for this stage. Thirdly, one can become so consumed with sorrow, suffer from a broken heart, and be submerged in feelings of agonizing rejection. Consequently, once these feelings and emotions linger on too long, they could easily develop into an obsession or leave one in a melancholy state of mind. This can manifest itself into a very painful experience, leaving us behind with an array of questions constantly floating through our mind, feeling as though our prayers remain unanswered.
They say that patience is a virtue, however, in this case very hard to substantiate. The only way to cope with non-reciprocal love, I’ve discovered, is through my Christian Faith. When we have a strong Christian foundation, we can fully trust God to lead us according to His will. So, if we truly walk with Christ, we can learn how to be complete in Him, and it’s only then that we realize how perfect God’s timing is, always on time and never too late. Furthermore, we discover that we can find comfort in and through the infallible Word of God.
Even though my heart is hopeful in the Lord, today, I am still trying to cope with the notions, emotions, and repercussions of non-reciprocal love. Once we learn to be complete in Christ, falling in love according to God’s standards and desiring only His will for our lives, can be indeed one of life's most precious, most beautiful, most fulfilling, and most rewarding experiences.
CHAPTER ONE
FIRST ENCOUNTER
THE SANCTUARY WAS FILLED with praise and worship— jam-packed with people—yet, the latecomers kept streaming in. The choir was on fire tonight— their powerful voices could literally shake the Church building, and supernaturally lift the cars off the ground in the nearby parking lot. It was absolutely phenomenal—one could truly feel the power of the “Holy Spirit” and the presence of God so strongly in the house. Something felt different tonight at Harvest Fellowship Church in Harmony, Florida— there was a sense of excitement in the air.
It was a typical Wednesday night at Church— December 29th, 2004— to be exact, and people from all walks of life came here to get their middle of the week “Spiritual replenishment” from God. Small children sitting next to grandma or grandpa, young couples in love holding hands, giggling teenagers, and—that man— I had seen just a few minutes earlier in the school cafeteria, for the very first time.
Instantaneously— my heart skipped a beat as I slightly turned my head, giving me a full view of him. He was tall and dressed rather casual, nothing spectacular one would say, however, an incredible and unbelievable feeling swept over me. Thinking to myself— “Wow”— my breath totally taken away by this man, as this was the first time in thirteen years that such a stirring took place on the inside of me, and it wasn’t an ordinary stirring—no, it was definitely a “Spiritual” stirring. In fact, it was a feeling I had never experienced before; a sensation, which totally took me by surprise. I remember thinking “Lord, is this my Soul mate?” —”Is this the man God has chosen for me?”
Although, this first encounter took place over three years ago, the recollections remain so vividly in my mind, making it feel as though it all happened just yesterday. Ironically, not a single day goes by, wherein I don’t think about this man. The only time I saw him was about once or twice a week in Church for these past few years, which in itself seemed like an eternity. An eternity of waiting, hoping, and praying to be noticed by this man. Wishing for this non-reciprocal love, which so suddenly emerged, to be reciprocated, for this waiting to cease, and for prayers to be answered.
As time went by, it seemed to get harder and harder with each passing week, having to contend with seeing him just once or twice a week. Oh, how long must I patiently wait to see this man more often? How I longed to get to know him better, to get closer to him. How I longed to be spotted by this man God put on my heart so long ago. So close and yet so far.
It’s hard to believe that it has actually been almost three years, since this man so suddenly captured my mind, penetrated the depths of my soul, and had stolen my heart, without even knowing it. So long ago, and never even once did we engage in a real conversation, or even have a cup of coffee together or something to that effect. For sure by now, one would think, that he would have asked me for my phone number or even out on a date. Were my hoping just in vain, and merely an illusion? Some absurd fantasy, perhaps? Or, had I become just a victim of false hope, and were misleadingly expecting something so unattainable?
Suddenly, my mind flashed back to that very first night— my first encounter with the man God put on my heart, seemed so long ago. Yes indeed, it seemed like ages ago since God put this “Godly” man on my heart and on my path. Wednesday, December 29, 2004, seemed like such an awful long time ago, when I laid eyes on him for the very first time. It was just a couple of days before my forty-seventh birthday. Much to my surprise, who would have ever thought that, I would be capable of falling in love at this age and time in my life?
It was our contemporary night service at Church. I was just finishing up my dinner in the cafeteria, when this man walked in with a teenage-aged girl. He was very tall, had light blonde-brownish hair, and his attire was rather casual. He was wearing a black t-shirt with blue jeans. You would say, “Oh that doesn’t sound like anything spectacular,” but if you realize that this was the first guy to spark my interest in thirteen years or so; the first guy who was able to grab my attention in a very unusual way. As a matter of fact, after I had committed my life to Christ back in 1993— something miraculously happened to me then. After I got saved, I somehow never felt lonely again; I never had the desire or the need for a companion as I used to in my pre-Christian days. I was so complete in Christ and so content in my Christian walk with the Lord, that I was not the slightest bit interested in meeting anyone. In fact, I always made excuses, when someone would ask me out on a date, and I literally felt sick to my stomach if they were persistent. I just didn’t want to be bothered nor had the desire to engage in any gibberish dating, and besides, I was so in love with Jesus, who needed anything else? So—when I noticed this Man God put on my heart— I was literally taken out of my comfort zone and felt so drawn to him in an inexplicable and very extraordinary way. There was definitely some divine connection there.
Anyway, while eating in the school cafeteria, suddenly, this man walks by and a girl, whom I was talking to at the time, called out to him, asking him how he was doing, and how work was. In order to preserve her anonymity, I will refer to her as girl number one. Feeling a bit uneasy, and also out of politeness, I got up, and told girl number one that I would see her inside the Church sanctuary. As I entered the sanctuary, I ran into another girl, whom I shall refer to as girl number two, once again for the sake of anonymity. As I was talking to girl number two, again, that same man came up behind me, and said “hi” to her— he introduced the teenage girl, whom he was with— as his daughter.
Feeling completely uneasy now, I hurriedly told girl number two that I would see her later, and I quickly proceeded towards my regular seat. However, as I approached the pew where I normally sat, about the third row from center stage, for some odd reason, just before getting to the fifth row, I stopped, froze, and couldn’t move forward. At first, I thought this was so peculiar, but being obedient, I followed the promptings of the Spirit and had no intention to go against this. Somehow, I felt prompted to move into the fifth row, even though it was hard, considering the fact that I am such a creature of habit, I still obeyed.
Anyhow, as I got situated in the fifth row, I just couldn’t believe the next thing that happened, which totally blew my mind. That same guy walked by, stopped and sat in my usual seat, the third row, where I would normally sit. So bizarre—I felt as if I were in a daze, feeling like a teenager again, as this strange spiritual awakening once again jolted the inside of me. I simply couldn’t help but stare in his direction. I almost fainted when praise and worship started, and saw how he lifted his hands and so openly worshipped God— I remember thinking to myself, —”What a “Godly” man!” When praise and worship was over, the Pastor told us to turn around and shake hands. As I shook someone’s hand in the aisle, I turned around and literally thought I was going to pass out on the spot.
The “Godly” man, whose sight had filled me with awe for the last thirty minutes, started to walk towards me, and shook my hand while he smiled at me— I nervously smiled back. Needless to say, I kept an eye on him during the entire service. After the service was finished and as he was leaving the sanctuary, he briefly glanced my way, while I smilingly looked right back at him. I kept on wondering—”How on earth had I not noticed him before?” Perhaps he was a visitor, I thought? Suddenly, I just couldn’t wait till Sunday to see him again in Church— and I kept on wondering if I would ever see him again.
CHAPTER TWO
DISAPPOINTING DISCOVERY
IMPATIENTLY— I AWAITED the following Sunday, in the hopes of running into this man I had met in Church the week before, the man God put on my heart, however, I didn’t see him. Just thinking about him brought such a smile to my face. Totally in awe of all these feelings he had awakened in me— feelings I never dreamed, I would be capable of experiencing—feelings I never knew even existed. As if something on the inside of me was dormant, and now suddenly, so alive within me. I felt so elated, and like a teenager again. In fact, my conduct during that time was far from being adult-like, but could rather be classified as adolescent-like behavior.
I caught myself doing the silliest of things, such as going to the gas station and putting my debit card into the receipt slot instead of the card slot, and then, wondered why the pump wouldn’t work—or after pumping gas, I would just drive off without getting my receipt, suddenly remembering this, five miles further down the road. It was bizarre— yet, it was such an exciting and exhilarating emotional state of mind, to truly feel like a teenager in love again— so radiant and alive.
Unfortunately, over the next several weeks, I made the mistake of confiding in a few too many people at my Church about this matter. People, whom I thought were trustworthy, and had considered my true sisters in Christ, but boy, oh boy, was I in for a rude awakening, and in for some shocking reactions, surprises and consequences. Nevertheless, what mattered most was the fact that in the process, I was able to discover a few new things about this very intriguing man, with whom I felt so deeply infatuated, and who so suddenly had captured my heart.
The first person, I shared my feelings with was Ursula, supposedly my friend. Ursula seemed upset as I shared my story about this man God put on my heart. She knew right off the bat, which person I was referring to. She told me that his name was Matthias. Matthias...hmm—just the sound of his name was enough to put me in a trance. I remember thinking, “How fitting for this man to have such a Biblical name.” —”Wasn’t Matthias the one in the book of Acts to replace Judas?”— I stumbled on this scripture:
Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles. (Acts 1:26)
Matthias, I learned, actually meant “gift of God”, and was a nickname for Matthew. Wow—”gift of God”— I certainly felt that perhaps this man would one day become truly my gift from God.
Ursula seemed unhappy with my affair of the heart. In fact, I was stunned when she stated that her friend, who happened to be girl number one—I just couldn’t believe this—, had already claimed him; apparently, girl number one had once asked him to go to a company function with her. This news was heartbreaking to me, yet, I kept hopeful, as I just couldn’t see that God would put this man on my heart— if he were already spoken for. Ursula, also mentioned that this man once told girl number one that he was waiting for a —”Godly” woman— so needless to say, in my mind— I was the one! I was so in tune with the “Holy Spirit” lately— there was no way that I could have misinterpreted these God-given promptings about this man, I remember thinking.
It pained me a great deal that Ursula was more concerned about girl number one’s feelings, than about mine. I honestly thought she was my friend, and friends are supposed to have compassion and empathy for one another, but instead, she acted as though she had become my biggest enemy. Deeply troubled by all this— my joy instantly turned into sadness. It was truly a disappointing discovery to learn that Matthias may already have someone else in his life.
Why did girl number one and I have to favor the same guy? Why out of four thousand Church members— had I fallen for this guy? The first, and only man in thirteen years, to spark my interest and to grab my attention. The first and only guy I had fallen in love with since I elected to live a life with Christ in celibacy. I almost felt like Jacob in the book of Genesis— as I wrestled with God, in a metaphorical sense— I questioned Him, as I couldn’t understand why out of all people he had picked this guy? He knew how pure and faithful I had been all these years?
The fact that supposedly girl number one had put a spell on him, didn’t change my feelings one bit for this man— yet, by the same token, I was torn, as I didn’t want to do anything to hurt a sister within the body of Christ; that is, if she was indeed his girlfriend, per se. So, I decided to give it all to God, and fervently prayed that He would help me to lay my frustration down, even though, I would rather prefer to hold onto these wonderful feelings of being in love.
In spite of all my efforts to let go—which were totally in vain— I just couldn’t stop thinking about this man, as he was constantly on my mind. On a side note, suddenly, I had much more appreciation for Willie Nelson’s song— “You are always on my mind,” or was it —”You were always on my mind?” Amazing, how old secular songs kept popping up in my head; songs I never really listened to in the past, had now become songs only to nurture and sooth my aching heart.
Later on, I discovered that Matthias was an usher during the first service in Church, and according to Ursula, he looked twenty years older in his usher jacket—she probably exaggerated big time, and besides, it wouldn’t matter to me one bit, whether he looked older or younger, through my eyes and the state of mind I was floating in—he was unequivocally divine and could do absolutely no wrong.
I didn’t see him again until the following Sunday, and when I did, he looked very different indeed— in his usher jacket; no wonder I had never noticed him before, or was it simply because it just wasn’t God’s timing yet for me to notice him prior to this time? After all—wasn’t God’s timing perfect— always on time, and already planned long ago? This reminded me of the following scripture:
O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. (Isaiah 25:1)
In the interim, I started a Biblical counseling class on Friday nights— and it so happened that also enrolled were Ursula, and another girl, named Perpetua, who also knew girl number one. Perpetua was actually our group leader, and also a true woman of God. Apparently— girl number one—had previously counseled with her about Matthias. Fortunately, in contrast to Ursula, Perpetua was much more objective rather than subjective about this multiple admirers’ syndrome dilemma I was facing. She said that the man is to make the final decision—but I contradicted her statement, by saying that God was the ultimate decision maker— and the one who would have the final say in the matter. And, besides— He already knew the outcome— so why worry?
Not so sure where this sudden bold confidence came from, as far as the outcome matter was concerned, but much to my surprise, I felt so confident about these —”Godly” promptings. After all— how could such a clear-cut prompting from God be ignored? Especially, since I felt so certain that God had truly placed this man on my heart. At the time— I just didn’t realize, however—what a soap opera this whole ordeal would escalate into. Boy, was I in for some shocking surprises.
A few weeks lapsed before I finally saw Matthias again. It was during our Wednesday night service at Church. At first— I didn’t recognize him, and once I did, it was hard to tell whether it was truly him or not. Somehow— he looked different— and seemed so much taller than that first night I had laid eyes on him. There was just something so very special about this man— something I can’t quite put my finger on. I was so taken back and in awe with this man—whom God so suddenly put on my heart.
How on earth could this man— after just one single meeting— awaken all these feelings within me? Feelings— which are not to be confused with mere physical attraction, but could rather be categorized as divine and “Spiritual”— so wholesome, genuine, and pure. Feelings, so peaceful, so tranquil, with such a mysterious nature to them. Could these feelings perhaps better be described as God-given or God-induced feelings?
It was so overpowering and overwhelming, and once again—as I saw him worshipping— I thought for sure that I was either going to start hyperventilating or completely pass out. So— here I was— totally mesmerized by this individual—this total stranger of whom I knew absolutely nothing about— and yet, there was such a deep felt inexplicable connection with this man. There was a strong yearning for him on the inside of me. Oh, how I wished to better acquaint myself with Matthias.
During the course of the next few weeks, I saw him briefly on Wednesday nights or caught an occasional glimpse of him on Sundays between services. Although, I longed so desperately to get to know this mysterious man God had placed on my heart, yet, I found myself running the other way each time I saw him. There was simply no explanation for this odd behavior I experienced— I just couldn’t breathe whenever he was near. How on earth was I ever going to get to know this man better, if my behavior continued to manifest itself as such?
My heart was greatly saddened that girl number one was making such a fool of herself— she blatantly used her sexuality to get to this man. She would dress so inappropriately in order to get his attention, not just something a Christian woman ought do in the house of the Lord. As we can read in the book of Timothy:
I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, (1 Timothy 2:9)
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to judge her, only God can do that, however, I am merely trying to illustrate a picture of how uneasy this whole scenario made me feel. No— I was not judging, in fact, the following scripture kept me in line:
First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:5)
Well, in this case my sister’s eye. Anyway, I kept giving this whole tormenting ordeal to God. Then, one evening, I was so fed up with this Church soap opera, that I pleaded with God, to please take this feeling away from me, and the sooner the better, although, deep inside, I really didn’t want to let go of these feelings I had for this man— feelings God had deposited within me.
So, that night before I went to bed, I prayed for God to speak to me about Matthias. Ironically, the very next morning, the first thing I heard when my alarm clock radio came on, was Dr. James Dobson’s message saying— “If God picks a spouse or mate for you, it will supersede all circumstances.” Wow, that was powerful stuff. Was this some kind of confirmation from God that I was truly in tune with my God-given promptings? My deferred hope was somehow restored, and the following scripture came to mind:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)
Yes, I desired for my longing to be fulfilled; a new sense of hope filled my heart as I was so helplessly, hopelessly, and so madly in love with Matthias—the man God put on my heart.
CHAPTER THREE
SECRET VALENTINE
AS THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY APPROACHED, I was still so utterly in love with Matthias— a total stranger to me. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him— it was so absurd— especially, since he had no clue about my sudden infatuation, and most likely didn’t even know I existed. One day— about one week before Valentine’s Day— I was browsing through the Tree of Life Christian Book Store in Waterford Lakes, when suddenly—the urge to buy him an anonymous Valentine’s Day card came over me—this with the intent to secretly express my undying love for him.
I’m not really sure where this sudden audaciousness emerged from— and this may sound silly— but my behavior during that time was still quite adolescent-like—not something I would ordinarily do, but somehow— I felt prompted to buy Mathias a secret Valentine. In fact, this was so contradictory to my belief, as I feel it would be much more appropriate for the man to make the first move, or attempt to express his initial interest toward a woman, rather than the other way around— especially—seen from a Biblical perspective. However— when I saw this beautiful heart shaped box filled with bible verse inscribed chocolates from Corinthians 13— I just couldn’t resist, and felt so compelled to purchase this gift for him. The inscribed verse read:
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)
The next thing that caught my eye in the bookstore, was this cute Valentine’s Day card. After continuously browsing and praying about this— I decided to act on my sudden emerged boldness, and hurriedly made my way to the cash register to check out— before I had a chance to change my mind. As I drove home and heavily contemplated—all of a sudden, it hit me like a brick and realized the audacious act I had just committed.
Feeling so ridiculous—and as buyer’s remorse started to creep in— I changed my mind at least twenty times or so within just a matter of two minutes. As I went back and forth, contemplating my decision about giving him the chocolates and card I’d just purchased— my final prompting was to proceed with my original inclination, and give Matthias my anonymous Valentine’s gift, after all.
Before I knew it— the Sunday before Valentine’s Day had arrived, and I had absolutely no clue, whatsoever—how my anonymous Valentine was going to get into the hands of Matthias. As I walked over to KiddieLand, to drop off my son, I decided to ask Pastor Eunice, if perhaps, she could give Matthias my gift anonymously. Well, her reaction completely threw me off guard and totally shocked me. I instantly regretted the fact— I had even asked her to begin with. The sweet image I previously had of this pastor instantly turned into a less desirable one. I was appalled by her reaction, however, it was of a very short duration— she quickly changed her tune— as she must have realized how inappropriately it was for a pastor to react in such a biased manner.
She claimed that Matthias already had a girlfriend. She continued on to say that girl number one had gone to a Company function with him. Pastor Eunice seemed angry and very annoyed at me. I was crushed, but somehow, I didn’t buy the girlfriend part to be true. Now, don’t get me wrong, in spite of her reaction— I harbored no hard feelings toward her, and to this day I still love her very dearly, but I just didn’t appreciate the way she had attacked me after my innocent request— and, not to mention, the false statement she had made that Matthias, supposedly already had a girlfriend— which later on turned out to be totally untrue.
All in all, I remained calm, while expressing my surprise at her spoken words. I told her that I had no clue, and wasn’t aware that the man had a girlfriend, as I had never seen him together with any girl, period. I sincerely apologized to her, if I had done something inappropriate in her eyes. I am not sure whether I was more taken back by this pastor’s unexpected outburst, or because of the fact that Matthias supposedly had a girlfriend? Just because girl number one had asked him to go to a Company function with her— does not make her his girlfriend? All of a sudden— pastor Eunice suggested that I ask the service coordinator to put my anonymous gift in the backstage room— where the ushers often times gathered.
Although, what had just transpired was not exactly what I had anticipated— I still felt prompted to follow through with my initial God-given hunch to give this intriguing man my anonymous Valentine. Besides— what did I have to lose, he would never find out anyway, whom it was from— or at least I thought he wouldn’t? As if it was meant to be— I ran into the service coordinator and politely asked her to leave my gift in the backstage room for one of the ushers— without disclosing which usher I was referring to, even though, she would soon discover his name on the card— when removing it from the outer bag. Without questioning— she accepted my package, and I kindly thanked her. Now, this is the kind of cooperation one should expect within the body of Christ— I felt so relieved. Mission accomplished!
During the service— I noticed that Matthias was slowly walking up the aisle where I sat— and you can imagine how fast my heart was beating. Especially—when he stopped at the row I was sitting in. Did the service coordinator perhaps tell him that it was I— whom had given him the secret valentine? Why didn’t I mention to her that my identity were to remain anonymous? I figured, he probably wouldn’t know me anyway, even if she had mentioned my name—most likely, he hadn’t even noticed me prior to this time— let alone know my name.
I was so petrified to think he had discovered that it was me— whom had given him the secret valentine. I just couldn’t wait for the service to end— so I could silently slip out the back door and disappear before Matthias had the chance to confront me. How embarrassing if he found out that it was me— whom had given it to him! What was I thinking? How foolish he must think I am—acting like some childish-adolescent-immature-infatuated fanatic?
The following Wednesday— I immediately noticed Matthias— he was sitting in the school cafeteria engaged in deep conversation with Maggie —the lunch lady. Needless to say— my whole world lit up the moment I saw his face, but simultaneously— I started to have difficulty breathing. This was just the kind of effect the man had on me. Then— I experienced a “spine-chilling” moment— Matthias looked my way and got up, as if he were walking towards me— totally panicked by now— quickly and hurriedly, I ran so fast—making a mad dash into the nearest ladies room.
Whew!...That was a close call. By this time, I was totally flustered, my heart was heavily pounding, and my throat was all choked up. I didn’t know what to make out of this very bizarre reaction. It didn’t make any sense— here I wanted to get to know him so badly— yet, I had just sabotaged this perfect opportunity, which was placed right in front of me. I had just blown a perfect opportunity to meet Matthias— face-to-face.
After I was fully recuperated from this ordeal and had escaped a near run-in with him, I proceeded into the sanctuary. Once again— my heart sank deeply as I saw him— but this time he was dressed in his usher jacket. It appeared that he was making his rounds near the pew I was sitting in. I heard him say— “hi”— to several people around me— including girl number one, whom was sitting just a few rows in front of me. Matthias seemed in good spirits and very upbeat that evening. He walked near my pew as if trying to get my attention— however, because I was so afraid to make eye contact, barely glancing up— I smiled, nodded, pretending to be as nonchalant as possible, and continued to write out my tithe envelope for the week.
I couldn’t figure out why— but it felt so good to be in his presence— yet, I was so fearful to look in his direction. It was so delightful, so fascinating, and so intriguing to observe his every single move. I just couldn’t fathom—what was so particularly intriguing about this man that made me feel like Cinderella or better yet, like the queen of England herself. All I know— is that he had this incredible, amazing, and mesmerizing effect on me.
That specific night— Ursula decided to sit next to me, after the service had already started— remember, she’s the one who told me that girl number one was his girlfriend—which turned out to be totally untrue. Somehow— I felt uneasy when she sat close to me. Kind of eerie— but at the time I couldn’t quite put a finger on it.
When the service was over— Matthias stood right at the end of my pew— looking right at me with a big smile. I just melted— smiled back, but wasn’t able to act as my normal self, since Ursula expressed her discontent in an indirect way— through her non-verbal communication and her body language. Reflecting back— for the life of me— I can’t figure out why I had allowed her to control me as such.
In a way— I was so thrilled that Matthias had at least taken notice of me that night, but how I wished Ursula had instantly vanished from the scene— so I would have been at liberty to unreservedly acknowledge this man, or if nothing else— at least I could have introduced myself to him and broken the ice. As I looked at him, I felt so shy and quite embarrassed, and I thought to myself— “Oh no, he knows it was me, whom had given him the secret valentine.”— What do I do now?
Remember— this was the first time in thirteen years that a guy had managed to spark my interest. So you can just imagine how awkward I felt. From the corner of my eye, I couldn’t help but notice his mesmerizing and breathtaking droopy eyes— which put such a smile on my heart. Reluctantly, I left the sanctuary with Ursula by my side— acting as if she was the “Gestapo” herself— if you didn’t know any better, you would think the woman was jealous— which was hard to imagine, because of the fact that she was married.
How I wished for this moment to be in the presence of this man God put on my heart, to never end— but alas, another opportunity in getting to know him— thanks to Ursula, went right down the drain— or perhaps, it simply wasn’t God’s timing yet for us to connect? I guess I just had to wait patiently for it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. (Habakkuk 2:3)
CHAPTER FOUR
INFATUATION OR OBSESSION?
SEVERAL MONTHS PASSED BY— yet, still there had been no sign of a single face-to-face encounter with Matthias— except for a casual good morning when entering or leaving the sanctuary. I was still so hopelessly in love with this total stranger, and as a matter of fact, my feelings for him had actually grown stronger. However, somehow, my emotions started to play tricks with my mind. In fact— my mind turned into a complete whirlpool filled with an array of questions.
Why did I feel this way about him? Why was it that, whenever he was near, I wanted to run the other way? What was so special about this human being with whom I so suddenly had fallen in love? Why did I manifest such adolescent-like behavior at my age? Was this merely an infatuation— or perhaps, had I become totally obsessed with this wonderful feeling of being in love? How odd, these feelings of love— so true, so deeply on the inside of me for this man? Would he ever take notice of me, I wondered? Would this feeling ever be reciprocated, I pondered? Was this truly a God-given feeling I was experiencing? If it wasn’t— why then, couldn’t I just shake it off and stop thinking about him, period?
As my mind became more discombobulated and pandemonium broke out— suddenly, I felt overtaken by a deep sense of sadness. If this love was not going to be reciprocated soon— I simply had to find a way to get rid of these feelings. I so desperately made every attempt to get him off my mind— but it was all in vain. It was so ridiculously insane— it was bad enough to be taken out of my comfort zone for one thing, but far worse not being able to be in control over my own emotions— this was just too much to bear at times, and so very devastating too.
To add insult to injury— I also discovered that the competition was fierce— and I was definitely not the only one interested in this very intriguing man. Once again, my mind became satiated with questions. Why were all these women— myself included— so magnetically drawn to this man? What was so attractive about him? What was so elite about him? Why of all people— did I have to fall in love with this particular guy? Why didn’t I fall in love with someone who would reciprocate? One of my friends once asked me if he were perhaps the only single male in my Church? I seriously doubted that— considering the fact that our Church was made up of a body of at least four thousand Church members— if not more. Who knows how many other women outside the Church-setting were facing the same dilemma I was?
Furthermore, I had to contend with some very unpleasant scenarios from one of my so-called competitors, namely— girl number one. In the beginning, she somehow gave me the creeps, especially— when she was around Ursula. It was as if they were scheming to put some kind of spell on this poor guy. No— I’m not kidding you— not only did girl number one go around spreading lies that she was his girlfriend— but she also went around telling people that she had placed her claws in him and claimed him. This made me feel sick to my stomach— and gave me the chills— a very eerie feeling, indeed. It reminded me of a scripture from the book of Ecclesiastes:
“And I find more bitter than death the woman whose heart is snares and nets, whose hands are fetters. He who pleases God shall escape from her, but the sinner shall be trapped by her.” (Ecclesiastes 7:26)
Regardless, whether Matthias would ever even take notice of me or not, I prayed for God to give him a discerning spirit, so that he would not fall for girl number one’s tricks— and besides, if he was truly a man of God— he most definitely would not. All in all, something just didn’t feel quite right in my spirit about girl number one, and no, it wasn’t just mere jealousy on my part either. Another thing, which was so infuriating about her— was the fact of how she tried to use her sexuality and her body to lure him towards her. Now, once again, don’t get me wrong— I am not judging her, but hello— we’re in a Church-setting here— in the house of God for crying out loud, and not in some pick-up bar where exposure of excessive body parts and seductive tactics would be considered quite a common practice.
Girl number one seemed so desperate and lustful— she would park herself in the music cafe as if she were a model— waiting for him like a lion would lie in wait to devour his prey. Most of the time, she would dress so shamefully inappropriate, with everything on top hanging out or she would wear a skirt, which was way too miniscule, and would certainly not be considered proper Church attire, per se. I felt bad feeling this way— but how would you feel if someone tried to take away or seduce the guy whom so suddenly had captured your heart? Especially, since this was the first guy in almost thirteen years to spark something on the inside of me.
Truthfully— at times, I wished I’d never met the man— and I certainly didn’t want my mind to be constantly consumed by him, twenty-four-seven. However, no matter how hard I tried to get him off my mind— it was useless, as he was so deeply imbedded in my heart, my mind, and in my soul.
Then one day— I had a dream about all this— it was so vivid and seemed so real. I was standing on one end of a large room, and towards the middle of this room—there stood a beautiful chaise-lounge sofa type loveseat. All of a sudden— I noticed Matthias at the opposite end walking towards me, approaching the sofa. We were both smiling, and I felt so extremely happy— everything was so peaceful. Suddenly— girl number one acting real silly, started running towards the sofa and tried to get between the two of us—dressed in a very tiny denim miniskirt, a top with practically everything hanging out, and some girlish flip flops with pink cloth bows on top. Distastefully chewing gum—she managed to disturb the peaceful feeling the room initially had radiated.
However—before she had the chance to make her way toward the loveseat, she stopped— because Matthias, totally ignoring her, motioned toward me, to come and sit down on the chaise lounge. At first— in total disbelief I held my breath, while nonverbally motioning with my hand, as if pointing toward myself, asking him if it was really— “Moi,” he was pointing to— he nodded “Oui”— it was so romantic that my thoughts had shifted into the French language. I was ecstatic and so elated, because after that, it was just him and I left in the dream—girl number one had vanished from the scene.
As he looked at me intently— and the moment our eyes met for the very first time— I experienced that universal language which required no spoken words— the universal language— I had so often times read about— but never fathomed nor imagined in my wildest dreams— could happen in real life; I believed such a thing could only be found in a romantic novel or some Hollywood movie. The universal language—which is also referred to as —”Love.” As we walked towards each other in total silence— the love that filled the air was so unspeakable divine and utterly supreme— especially, since it felt as if time had stopped momentarily, and we were the only two people left on this earth. After the silence broke— he smiled at me— and instantly, I felt so loved; how beautiful to experience reciprocal love— I thought to myself—then, I abruptly awakened from my dream.
The dream had seemed so real as most dreams usually do—it was so vivid and clear. I wished I had the gift of interpretation. What I made of this dream was that Matthias, without a doubt, had chosen me over girl number one. I felt this was also my confirmation that he would eventually choose me instead of her in real life, and not only in my dreams. Little did I know—however, that many more obstacles were awaiting me along the way.
Obviously, I couldn’t wait to see him again after this wonderful dream, and somehow, my deep longing for him seemed immensely intensified— I just couldn’t get him off my mind. I was so hopelessly lovesick, so taken out of my comfort zone. I constantly wondered if this dream was ever going to become a reality? Wondering if this was ever really going to come to pass? Wondering if this man God put on my heart would ever reciprocate the love I felt for him— just as he had in my vivid dream? I felt such an indescribable passion and a deep burning desire in my heart for him. It made me think of the following scripture:
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
Albeit, the next few months were an absolute torture— as girl number one continued to make such a fool of herself— she tried so desperately to force herself upon Matthias. So, I cried out to God to either bring him closer to me, or to just take these feelings I had for him, completely away from me. Each time I saw him— I felt ill to my stomach. How in the world was I ever going to get acquainted with this man— if I wasn’t even able to be in the same room with him— and without having any difficulty with my breathing pattern? What can I say? — I was just so hopelessly and madly in love with the man.
Then, things turned around in my favor, as a few changes took place, which allowed me to see him more often. Firstly— I started to attend the first service— so my son could participate in HigherRoad, a youth ministry the Church offered for middle school-aged children. Secondly— one of the pastor’s assigned me to the service desk in the lobby— not realizing this at the time— that this would mean that I would see Matthias more often. This was so ironic— as these changes took place just about when I was ready to give up, and had practically lost all hope—wondering if getting to know him was ever going to come to fruition. Perhaps these changes were God’s way of confirming that they would come to pass in due time— and not to give up.
Shortly after that, I discovered, that in addition to being an usher— Matthias was also a greeter at the front door, which meant that he would be posted right next to the service desk— where my newly assigned duties awaited me. Furthermore, it was customary for the service-desk person to sit in the back of the sanctuary— so it would be easier to slip out inconspicuously just prior to the dismissal of the crowds. The thought of sitting within such close proximity of him, made me extremely nervous. I felt so ill at ease and tongue-tied around the man— and even though, I tried to act normal and most likely came across as such from the outside— but boy, oh boy— was I flustered, and a total basket case from the inside.
I so desperately longed to get to know him better as a person, as a human being. I longed to know what was hidden behind his mesmerizing eyes and sharp usher image. What was he really like from within? What would his true character reveal? I was so head over heels with the man— that it was so hard to contain my curiosity. I yearned for him to notice me in the same way I noticed him. Whenever I saw him, he put such a smile on my heart— whenever I heard his voice—it was like the sound of music to my ears. Yes— I was so deeply lost in this unrequited, non-reciprocal, and unilateral love. Sadly enough— and much to my surprise— we had never even once, had a single conversation— after all this time I had known him.
Then, one Wednesday night—while I was sitting in the cafeteria, Paul, one of our regular visitors, approached me. Paul was blind, and would usually catch a ride home with Devon, one of the lunch ladies from Church, who lived in his neighborhood. However, since she wasn’t there that night, Paul asked me to take him to the Donut shop across the way, where he could catch his Links shuttle ride home. I instructed Paul and my son, to wait at the curbside in front of the Church entrance— while I got the car. As I drove up— I just couldn’t believe my eyes, as I saw which usher was standing at the curbside to assist Paul. My heart sank while pounding heavily— and you probably already guessed which usher, right— yes, it was my favorite usher—it was Matthias. I waved to him— and almost forgetting to put my gear in park—jumped out of my car, to guide Paul into my car. Feeling extremely girlish— I said —”Hi,” to him— trying so hard to disguise my excitement. He responded with a —”Hi”— in return.
As soon as Paul was settled in, I turned around, just as Matthias spoke to me again—by this time, my heart had gone from heavily pounding to berserk. He asked me what kind of car I was driving— I then told him the make and model of my vehicle. Suddenly— I felt bold and decided to introduce myself to him— I extended my hand and said—”Hi, I’m Alana.” He shook my hand— and I literally melted on contact, as this was our very first handshake. I felt such peace and tranquility radiate from him— words simply cannot express the feeling hat came over me— none like I’d ever experienced before. Anyway, as he shook my hand, he said— “I’m Matthias.” The resonance of his unique voice, at that moment—could be compared to a masterpiece Philharmonic Beethoven symphony.
Even today— I can still recall that special feeling, as I felt it back then— however, with a twinge of sadness in my heart though. The reason being, is because my expectations had been much higher about the outcome, and I had been so hopeful that Matthias and I would have connected by now— surely, a possible relationship or friendship should have evolved into something more meaningful, by now? So, in retrospect, after this special and cherished moment— our first handshake— I was hopeful for things to drastically improve and perhaps move upward and forward from that day forth. On the contrary, however—exact the opposite happened, and little did I know—that another very unpleasant and heartbreaking occurrence was just around the corner.