Useless Trinkets
By Eon Buble
Smashwords Edition
Available at most online retailers
Copyright 2010 Eon Buble
Smashwords Edition, license notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment. If you share it, please pay for another copy, if you can. Nothing will happen if you do not, but i would really appreciate it. Thanks. eon :)
after the rabbit hole
decided to just let go
what i will do
is whatever i’m prompted to
how i will survive
don’t matter if i wanna be alive
where i will be
is wherever i can be me
who i will know
depends on who decides to show
when i perceive
is when i’ll believe
the only man i will serve
is a man i deserve
if there is one
no time for your delusions
too busy with my own
just another illusion
another overturned stone
my fantasy
living in my head
so plain to see
green to read
this world of double-speak
some just can’t conform
throw another carcass on the heap
just to weather the storm
tried to fit in
not conflicted enough
done before i begin
participating in this stuff
the biggest lies there are
the only truth there is
catch a falling star
whoops another miss
do you really think
it ain’t happened before?
last one at the rink
crowds at the store
tried to buy into it
tried to go along
along with all the bullshit
predictably gone wrong
it was always out there
around another bend
keep climbing the stairs
oh no the quick descend
i may be a loser
left a house on a hill
may be a poor chooser
inside i’m perfectly still
can’t achieve that in a cube
can’t earn peace of mind
what’s in my little broken mirror
truly perfectly fine
once you see enough bullshit
you just get over it
i’ve seen plenty of bullshit
and i’m over it
climb climb the ladder
my feet stay on the ground
scream it scream it louder
as you tumble down
why the pecking order?
just between friends?
for sure its insecurity
but that doesn’t change how it affects me
sure she hurt you
while explaining that she didn’t mean to
let us talk about intent
she has to know the time you spent
don’t care what her deal is
don’t care for the psychobabble cry
she has to have someone to use
i only care why
why do you let her?
draws you into the bullshit
you’re better than that
then gets mad when i don't fall for it
control freak
psychic vampire
drama queen
polyester empire
goes right on over me
pink and white pressed down on the board
the elephant the irritation
conscious competent aggravation
annoying at the very least
seems pretty fucked up to me
may be possibly gone astray
treating a nice man that way
i will always be here for you
just not in the way you want me to
everything came undone
when i got serious about having fun
same ole shit on a different day
same ole shit a different way
same ole shit i just can't play
same ole shit need to get away
where'd you come from anyway?
outter space? cartoonland?
are you from a fairytale?
are you really superman?
how long you gonna be here?
when will you go away?
a leaf? a branch? a tree?
are you here to stay?
exactly what did you hope to find?
anything you have in mind?
do you chase now?
a stop at every smile?
slam into the moment
time out once in a while
the only path i can see
the one laid down behind me
this road will never be
traveled more than once by me
presumably you know how
to chase now
greener grass is fake
places we get caught
but it ain't having what you want
its wanting what you got
not today
that was yesterday
might be tomorrow
but not today
you can do it anyway
go ahead and do it anyway
lesson learned long ago
yea 400 million miles or so
don’t even start a little shit
i see right through it
and i ain’t in the mood
to put up with it
only a few things the Lord hates
trying to break up soul mates
more than i can tolerate
look its getting late
accusing blaming putting down
just because his skin is brown
can’t be won’t be part of that
i refuse to do your combat
fingers pointing out a guy just standing there
he didn't have a fucking prayer
can’t just go along
its all very wrong
shoot one of them in disguise
then blame it on the other guys
can't put up
just too corrupt
gazing past the obvious
they're just playing us
try scarin buyin screamin scammin
can’t scare me buy me fright me scam me
yes you're the greatest i don't doubt it
ask and you'll tell me all about it
sunday you were happy
monday saw you blue again
tuesday was for napping
wednesday started around ten
tried to see you on thursday
friday tried to walk away
fever struck you saturday
poof magic you are gone today
trip it up
mess it up blow it up
clean it up
its me here
waiting til you wake up
go ahead
what's there to interrupt?
call me
when you feel like checking out
troubles me
but that's what its all about
promise me
pick up the phone
when you are weary
all alone
after all the fallout
amidst all the burnout
i know on the way out
i figured it all out
some dude said the other day
he learned it all in grade k
but every single thing i know
i learned on the radio
companion always there for me
even when i couldn't be
peaking in just to say hi
nudges me back from goodbye
the better you are
the bigger your back
the sweeter the message
the more bitter the resistance
the stronger you are
the weaker you look
sure its ok if i love you
you'll only freak
for like a week
letting go
the only way to peace of mind
letting go
well worn path fading behind
taking it slow
this moment the only one of a kind
time to go
combined entwined refined resigned
to the heavens
to the sky
toward the sunlight
taking it high
let it pass
sees itself through
runs and runs
anywhere it wants to
can't control it
can't predict it
can't extol it
can't convict it
might be with the broken
silent, completely unspoken
goes where it goes
where its needed most
sometimes it close
taken back then i suppose
on one level or another
they are consumed by greed
its totally true that greed rules the world
greed. deserving more than you deserve
greed. using others merely to meet your needs
greed. ultimate measure the bottom line
greed. corporatization of people
you are a cog
you are a brick
you are a hog
you there, go wave a big stick
you rule them
you rule him
you do what they say
and they do it our way
the only way to thrive
became the only way to survive
do what i say
then there's a fantasy
keeps them going in their slavery
i'm the fantasy
even if i don't wanna be
an illusion a dream
my religion reigns supreme
wish i could give them what they want
comfort for all the crap they sought
greed may rule the world
greed may consume you
but not this girl
better things to do
deep down there is this love
nothing can take away from
i know what i'm made of
what i have overcome
that love don't keep me going
that love don't motivate me
that love keeps me showing
that love that love is me
just live it
not to my benefit
just livin it
and i can't quit
tried buying into the greed
planted many seeds
when it comes down to the deed
my conscience finds me freed
can’t do it
can’t do greed
no matter what i think i need
funny how it all comes back to you
in a way just like the one i been through
my lines remain the same
in a completely different screenplay
dignity lives a righteous life
nothing more to do
hoping someone noticed
hoping it would be you
constant instant gratification
can we talk on your next vacation?
unnoticed
it sits there in the corner
unnoticed
see it in the corner of your eye?
until it can be
utilized by me
until then
it remains to be
unnoticed
and if i never ever notice it
i never have to put up with it
use it then forget about it
anyways its meant to be
unnoticed
it wants to be
unnoticed
in its own little world
unnoticed
not beckoning me so its
unnoticed
not impressing me so its
unnoticed
proof that it wants to be
unnoticed
its a what?
an outburst?
you gotta be kidding me
gonna stand there and pretend you didn't see?
how upsetting this has been for years and years
you didn't wanna see because of your fears
so now you put it squarely
right there on me
the "outburst" you see
makes you the one who's crazy
told you years ago i needed a change
nothing drastic just a re-arrange
once enough time goes by
still livin life on the fly
finally can’t take any more
i'm ready to hit the door
excuse me?
are you sure you wanna hate me?
are you sure you really don't care?
are you sure i'm the one who's crazy?
if this line of thought makes me crazy
pushes me into nuts
if this makes me a lunatic
go ahead just try to lock me up
normal emotion baby
too scary for you to see
freaking you out baby
to me its just humanity
what really takes me back
what scares the fuck outta me
you're always in white and black
emotion's not on your radar screen
you call it crazy
hits you from no where
but you - you're just lazy
too busy to simply play fair
i can’t sing
can’t do anything
and certainly
i suck at poetry
i'm no good (to you)
i'm no good (as in "ego”)
i'm no good (letting you be)
i'm no good (just watch me)
you said get past it
this is past it
you had plenty
of opportunity
to take the time
to notice me
coulda been
attracted
but you're just
too damn distracted
want you to know
wanted us to be close friends
thought i could safely let my guard down
aw, through the rosy lens
don't need it
your low opinion of me
don't want it
constant pestering me
don't need it
watching you look down on me
don't want it
you sequestering me
vampire
put you in your place
anywhere
but in my face
everything you
have it bought
did you ever have
an original thought?
something new
out of another reality
simply for
the love of beauty
you can't believe in me
no ability
can't see good
incapacity
so all this seems like bullshit to you
i'm gonna tell you why
you never bothered to face the truth
and you never even tried
what do i look like?
what do you see?
i think my mirror
is more like the real me
just because you never noticed me there
don't mean i came outta thin air
waited hoped prayed wished
then i just got really pissed
time to turn a corner
time to realize
you really are who you are
while an angel silently cries
blowing off
my own point of view
is something
i recently used to do
so then why am i so blue?
why should i be sad
i didn't lose anything
that i never really had
your heart wasn't mine
you weren't my friend
you were a landmine
in a make believe world of pretend
captivity's your choice
an emotional slave won't set you free
might work for you
emotional slavery
emotional slavery
for me
will not set you free
after time spent
an object of your deflection
didn't recognize my own shadow
let alone the mirror reflection
your problems ain't about me
i was in the way collaterally
given up now though i tried to get through
nothing more to do
love doesn't mean you get to own me
love means you get to know me
the only thing with meaning
what is real
events soon forgotten
what remains is how i feel
what i took away
emotional imprint
my awareness grew
my understanding of it
what does all this mean to me?
this journey
no destinations
just changes in scenery
good is good
truth is truth
love is love
proof is proof
it is what it is
let's just let it be
see it real
watch it be
it isn't that i out grew you
your limited love for me
limited by inadequacy
now please set me free
you
what am i gonna do about you
forbidden love?
or something true?
you
what am i not seeing in you?
rainy nights
under starry skies
but during the day
its all ok
knowing you care
knowing that somewhere
love always finds us
love always binds us
you
do i wanna need you?
you
can i really trust you?
i guess i'll try if you asked me to
you
the nicest man i never knew
you
don't wanna be without you
you are out there
you are somewhere
love that binds us
love that finds us
only way i know how to do
feel my way through
that was shut down
nearly drowned
first it was don't cry
then it was don't play
next there was don't sing
finally no writing today
we live in happyland
never any reason to cry
we live in happyland
radiating so much light
we live in happyland
why would anybody need to do anything fun?
we live in happyland
go ahead, put out the sun
couldn't even take a little bit
couldn't handle it
the fuck up
yea everybody did it
difference is
i'm too proud not to admit it
help me heal
help me for real
maybe the dawn will never rise
in the space behind your eyes
if they get in your way
who the hell are they anyway?
the wake of insecurity
there for all to see
perpetual deflection
obvious deception
that corner that you backed me in
look at that corner now you're in
what goes around
you know the rest
what goes around
says it best
sometimes the harder path is harder
sometimes the reward for being decent is being decent
sometimes we'll have to see if this is sometimes
there was a little girl
without even a little curl
who did what she wanted when she wanted to
in her own little world
locked in her little room
maybe she needed to hear it
but she didn't need to be beat up with it
maybe she couldn't hear it
and she sure did not need to be beat up with it
or maybe she didn't wanna hear it
and she damn sure didn't wanna be beat up with it
just maybe she didn't fucking care to hear it
and you better stop beating her up with it
or she's gone
why turn me into a fantasy?
carry me around in your head
why turn me into a fantasy?
you could be my friend instead
i see now where we left the same page
started feeling really strange
he sees the pretty face
construction begins at a fast pace
takes me apart bit by bit
keeps what he wants discards
defective bricks
didn't want all of me
didn't want me healthy
all of me
doesn't suit his reality
didn't bother to tell me
loves me perfect
loves me checked
does it even feel a little bad?
losing the best thing you ever had?
in redemption you are clad
redemption as you go mad
rogue thread
consuming your head
may be god's gift to humanity
not a godsend to me
we can pretend
but in the end
this age in which we dwell
can be a living hell
no time in this immediacy
not even a little clemency
no time for now
barely time for wow
no asking how
for the sacred cow
so where's the welcome committee?
who's dealing with the nitty gritty?
oh yes oh yes my little pretty
oh yes oh yes the itty bitty
don't wanna stay there
wanted you to understand
why i'm so unaware
it was unplanned
i got behind
trying to catch up now
outside my mind
trying to learn how
shut down
everything that came naturally
shut down
didn't fit in our family
let alone
respect
accountability
don't wanna blame anyone
don't wanna dwell on it
whole idea is to move on
really get on with it
try to do what the books say
but i'm just feeling my way
can't use defense department software
to reboot an iPad
35 year processing backlog...
thanks in advance for your patience...
downloading....
buffering...
downloading...
familiar territory
this just don't rattle me
every warrior comes to see
you gotta fight hard to be free
so before you tread on me
double-check your reality
mother tolerated you
it was the least i can do
but don't you ever expect me to
not see through you
is that why you came here?
can't face the fear?
can't shed a tear?
can't really hear?
nothing worth holding dear
how do i take it?
let alone make it?
just forsake it?
too scared to wake it
caught myself starting to profess
trying to win your love
trying to prove something i guess
to prove what i'm made of
caught myself in a lie
couldn't do it but i tried
truth is i don't give a shit
truth is i got over it
don't care for you
the way i used to
the only thing that can break me
the only power to wake me
the friend who can't forsake me
go ahead and take me
i will be here for you
but in the way i want to
i will listen
consider what you have to say
doesn't mean
we do it all your way
forget about it
not going along with it
can't live with it
just forget it
done being a whim
time to sink or swim
(inspired by Ken O'Keefe)
Mother compassion
Father courage
Sister companion
Brother truth
Today my family
Travels with me
Mother, you show me reality
Father, you compel me to act
Sister, right there with me
Brother, you have my back
Love is my compassion
Love is my courage
Love is my companion
Love is my truth
Love is my Father
Love is my Mother
Love is my Sister
Love is my Brother
Love is my Family
knew you a long time ago
half a universe or so
i enjoyed knowing you
now i enjoy remembering you
whatever happened we can't undo it
just in case
you decide to pursue it
keep in mind
not the same person you left behind
keep in mind
not in the mood for you to be unkind
keep in mind
get angry express it, you may find
keep in mind
was it so obvious who crossed the line?
in the end
you are a Godsend
it was a pleasure
knowing you
always treasure
remembering you
its hard to see me
broken that i am
only hard to be me
because you refuse to see me
you refuse
and i can't make you
but if you let it
love will take you
and you can see me
without being me
help heal me
just by seeing me
you may not care to remember
i care to remember
my life years ago
just let it go
my blown up apartment
is not an oh well moment
so
i’m in your face
til you see me
i have a place
love sees me
turn your face
you don't see me
doesn't matter
love sees me
love sees you
turn your face
its you
who have no place
love sees me
love sees me
you might not
do it all my way
might not always
wanna come out and play
might not do everything i say
might offend me sometimes
in the most irritating way
but at the end of the day
you're the one i talk to
at the end of the day
the one i can count on
at the end of the day
your smile is always there
at the end of the day
i was scared to talk to you
if i speak honestly, what would you do?
scared i would scare you
didn't wanna let go
before getting the chance to know
you
being shut down, nothing new
loving was more than they can do
when the lie tries making sense to me
time to leave
can't expose my sweetness to something less
i'm sorry i underestimated you
it was unfair for me to do
you qualify
as a pleasant surprise
first brick by brick
then walls came down
dams broke
dams blocking the free flow
between us
the flow of love
of sharing
of life
of caring
let it go
let it grow
sometimes it swells
sometimes it dwells
sometimes a torrent
sometimes a lazy current
flowing ever freely
unobstructed
uncorrected
unlabeled
unlimited
making its way
creating each new day
freely grows
through highs, through lows
and when it shows
just let it go
the flow of love
of sharing
of life
of caring
oh now you tell me
you're full of shit
after i already
figured out that tidbit
woulda been helpful
to me if
while criticizing me
you would have
disclaimed yourself
at the time
then i woulda been
free to decline
you're bullshit
you are weird go away
i misspoke - hypnotized gone astray
but whatever, either way
i don't wanna play
can power rangers talk without moving their hands?
do you need a permit for a lemonade stand?
when the nitty gritty falls into the sand
where you gonna land?
fucking alcoholics
fuck up everything
the good man inside
don't even feel the sting
love it more than life
love it more than love
more than your wife
more than anything i can think of
fucking alcoholic
fuck up everything
wet or dry
all a changling
not about what you consume
not about some bind
its consuming you
alcoholics a frame of mind
alcoholic churchaholic
sleepaholic workaholic
catholic
how many home runs?
loved more than loved ones
blankaholic
needs a fix
blankaholic
of course you're not sick
unless its convenient of course
scared
chicken freaking little
cry
screaming fucking mimi
runs
pretty fast for a cripple
blindfolded
thinking you see me
open minded
how i try to stay
tho i haven't seen it work
to this day
my feeling was
i was in the way
my feeling was
realized today
validated, strong
consecrated, where i belong
felt something
was between us
more than a hunch
i guess
and now she
stands in my face
now your reveal
your true place
validated, strong
consecrated, where i belong
something just
hasn't been right
the u.s. in black and white?
perished in san jose?
dealy plaza blown away?
fellow soldier put in harms way?
poisoned sacrifice ex-cia?
wtf?
validated, strong
consecrated, where i belong
truth is
this all starts at home
truth is
we all feel alone
truth is
a slippery wet stone
truth is
flat on my ass catching a bone
and that's the way it goes
even tho it really blows
that's just the way it goes
before i was blind
prior to the exact time
i lost my mind
i was just fine (their perspective)
before i went “crazy”
i was insane
chasing a lazy
stupid name (my perspective)
to this day
i fail to see
why i didn't question
your sanity (love’s perspective)
epilogue - about the author
these thoughts and words are how i worked my way out of mental and emotional tyranny, both at home and politically. tyranny is a mindset, the extreme narcissism. it is rampant. it is incumbent on all free people to exercise a stance against all forms of tyranny, mental, emotional, physical and any others that i can’t think of.
mind control is very real. even though we can’t see the brainwashing sometimes, we certainly can see the horrible outcome when people give up their own mind and let someone else decide, incrementally, more and more. pretty soon there is no mind left to exercise.
participation or tolerance of any form of tyranny literally makes me physically sick, and it was killing me. my choice was a) to live sick in a nasty environment or b) to live healthy and face the fact that i might not survive without financial support.
i chose b) because a) was quickly killing me anyway.
this collection came together from all my private notes and writing that i had no intentions of sharing, mostly because it was not organized - just a hodgepodge of healing thoughts. when my sweet man found me, my mind became orderly enough to put the puzzle pieces together, hopefully making some sense of it.
:)
hope this helps someone else
eon
Connect with me online at
eon.buble@gmail.com