Tales from the Known Kingdoms:
Adventures in Self-Understanding
By Lyn Q Taryn
Smashwords
Edition
Copyright 2010 Lyn Taryn
ISBN: 978-0-9870575-1-8
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Table of Contents
Acknowledgements
Introduction: The Tales from the Known Kingdoms Begin
Chapter 1 - 'The Kingdom of Storytellers' - How Thoughts Create Your World
Your Life as a Work of Fiction
Chapter 2 - The Magical Transformation - A Key to Letting Go Childhood Issues
Retire Your Parents
Chapter 3- The King's Fool & the Accidental Werewolf - Understanding Emotional Reactions
What Lies Beneath: The Power of Emotions
Chapter 4 - Flo Wight & the Seven Little People - Parenting Traps
The Curious Case of the Switched Cousins
The Children Who Lived In Two Worlds At Once
Did Your Parents Screw You Up?
Chapter 5 - The Grand Guild of Master Boundary Builders & Arbiters - Understanding Boundaries & Personal Responsibility
Mind Your Own Business
Chapter 6 - The Fallen Knight and His Invisible Lady - The Hazards of Being Nice
Are you too Nice?
Chapter 7 - Princess Perfect & The Quick Draw Knight - Problems with High Standards
The Curse of High Standards
Chapter 8 - Sir Fred & the Dragon Meet The Dream Entrancer - Understanding Everyday Stress, Depression & Grief
The Jack & Jill of 'Down' Days
Chapter 9 - The Woman With Partial Amnesia - The Eternal Question Of Who Am I?
"I Don't Know Who I Am"
Chapter 10 - The Secret Society Of Shapeshifters - Using Creative Imagination For Change
Imagine that!
Chapter 11 - The Kingdom Of Celestial Happiness - "How Can I Be Happy?"
The Quest for Happiness & Well-Being
Chapter 12 - Exploring Known & Unknown Kingdoms - Ways of Undertaking Self-Development
1. Healing the Past & Becoming Conscious
2. Optimizing Potential & Self-Actualization
3. 'Managing Your Vibration"
4. Seeking Enlightenment & Self Realization
About the Author
Acknowledgments
There is one person who needs special acknowledgment in the preparation of this book – my daughter and friend, Deandra Burrows. She put in a huge amount of time, care and effort in helping to edit and shape the original manuscript. Her wisdom, editing skills, and observations have been invaluable in establishing the final book, as well as her support and encouragement through the ups and downs of the writing process. I am very grateful for her taking such an active role in all aspects of the project, and she is very much part of this book.
I also want to thank psychologist, spiritual counselor and dear friend, Kathrine Hutchison, for reviewing the book from a professional point of view and adding her suggestions for enhancing readability. I thank her too for sustained support and encouragement.
‘Old Man One Freckle’ was an invention of my father, who has now passed on. As a child, he related his stories as the Grandpa in the introduction does. His tales weren’t aimed at conveying wisdom, but rather fun. He had a fondness for British radio comedy, and loved panel shows based on word play.
In one such show, panel members were given a common phrase. They were to make up a story about how that phrase came to be said. The stories invariably ended with a pun, or play on the words in the phrase, to comedic purpose. This was the style of the original ‘Old Man One Freckle’ stories. As I love teaching tales, parables and wisdom stories, I thought it time to dust off Old Man One Freckle and give him new life. I acknowledge my father for his creation.
The characters and dilemmas in this book are a pastiche of characteristics and challenges from my thousands of clients over than 20 years of active practice as a Psychologist and Counselor. Added to this database, is my personal experience in my own self-development, and my learning from countless psychology, self-help and wisdom sources and courses. I owe my thanks to these many influences, whose wisdom has been absorbed and has added to my growth, even if the specific sources are now forgotten.
I also thank everyone who has ever entered my life, whether they played the part of Hero or Villain, Family or Friend, ‘Bearer of Light’ or ‘Sand in my Oyster’: all have contributed to what I know today.
If any character seems uncomfortably familiar, none relate to specific cases I have seen in my practice. Rather, the coincidence is due to all the characteristics and patterns referred to being so common and widespread. However, the character of ‘Grandpa’ may bear an uncanny resemblance to my father for those who knew him.
Dedicated to the memory of
Lyle Tucker
Respected Journalist, Editor, and Lecturer,
Exceptional loving father and human being,
*****
Introduction: The Tales from the Known Kingdoms Begin
As night descended and dark clouds built with portent of approaching storms, the old man settled in for a cozy evening; stoking his fire and adding a larger log as rain began to pelt down outside. He was about to reach for his book when the urgent clang of his doorbell seized his attention. “Who could it be at this hour?” he muttered to himself as he rose from his chair.
The old man peered curiously through the peephole in his door and was astonished to see two of his adult grandchildren, Kevin and Rhianna, huddled under umbrellas. As a loud thunderclap shook the house, a dramatic lightning flash floodlit their troubled faces. Hastily letting them in, the Grandfather took their dripping coats, and led them to his fireside. He had seen less of his grandchildren in recent years as they had been absorbed in the concerns of their busy adult lives. Never had it been their habit to venture out on wild evenings such as this, nor had the two ever before turned up at once.
Fatefully, each had been lost in their current problems and instinctively thought of their grandfather for support. The old man had always held a special place in their hearts even though they had seen less of him of late. He was always approachable and welcoming: a quiet, wise man who was always comforting to talk to.
As Kevin and Rhianna joined their grandfather by the fireside, sipping the hot drinks he had fetched for them, it was time to share why they had sought him out. The grandfather listened attentively as a distressed Kevin reported that he and his wife had just split after many embattled years. It was then Rhianna’s turn as she sobbed in hurt and indignation at what her father had said to her in the most recent of their ongoing misunderstandings. As both grandchildren related the events that had brought things to a head tonight, it became apparent that almost every area their lives seemed in tatters and both felt burdened and drowning in their challenges.
Finishing their stories, Kevin and Rhianna turned to the old man with expectant looks that awaited anything that might lift them out of their misery. The old man’s gaze fell first on his weeping granddaughter and then on his downcast grandson as he considered his response.
Now the grandfather wasn’t a man to lecture or dispense advice in a direct manner. He believed in empowering others to think for themselves and to come up with their own solutions, and was wary about being an authority in other people’s lives. Instead of lecturing or proclaiming solutions as others might, the grandfather would often respond as if reflecting aloud in a ‘take it or leave it’ type manner. Often he might begin with a thoughtful, “Well I have often found…” before sharing his personal experience on the subject. However, this evening his grandchildren were stunned to find a new response.
The grandfather nodded to himself as if privately confirming the direction he would take with them. He then sank into his chair cupping his coffee mug in his hands. The flicker of the firelight danced across his receding hairline and dimpled chin and reflected in his spectacles as, seeming ignoring all his grandchildren’s concerns, he began “I bumped into ‘Old Man One Freckle’ again the other day.”
The grandchildren shifted uncomfortably in their chairs and exchanged doubtful glances: this was a name they hadn’t heard since childhood. When they had been young, they had often raced to greet their grandfather, given him a bear hug, and then plunged their hands deep into his pockets to seek out the chocolate frog or book of puzzles he would placed for them to find. Sometimes, he would say with a twinkle in his eye, “I ran into ‘Old Man One Freckle’ on the way home and he told me a story. Would you like to hear it?” Then they would sit on his knee while he told a fairy tale that caught their imagination and sometimes had them laughing in delight. They had never known if Old Man One Freckle was real but it hadn’t seemed to matter.
These were treasured but distant childhood memories: why was he bringing these up now? Perhaps the old man was becoming absent-minded, and his mind was drifting to the past.
“But Grandpa, didn’t you hear what we’ve been telling you about our problems?” asked Kevin. However, the old man, apparently oblivious to the question, persisted.
“Old Man One Freckle was telling me some curious tales from the ancient kingdoms. What he had to say was quite interesting.”
It seemed their grandfather wouldn’t be diverted, and as it was too wild outside to go home, the grandchildren shrugged resignedly and gave him the floor. However, it wasn’t long before they began to see that the story was their grandfather’s response to them. In his usual way, the old man was encouraging his grandchildren to think in a different way about their problems so they could discover their own answers.
“Most human dilemmas tend to be based in deeper patterns, misunderstandings, and blind spots,” the old man began as he slid his spectacles onto his forehead and gazed at the crackling logs. “They become so familiar that they can be invisible to you, like the nose on your face, and wreak havoc without you realizing their distortions. So many of them are old habits of thinking that need to be reconsidered so that you can release their hold on you. If you don’t, you can remain stuck in old problem ways that interfere with your peace of mind and enjoyment of life.
In fact, Old Man One Freckle was telling me about a young man in the ancient kingdoms who had problems not so different from yours. Fortunately he discovered a new angle that helped him find new answers.” And with that, the grandfather began to recount Old Man One Freckle’s tale of ‘The Kingdom of Storytellers’.
Little by little, Kevin and Rhianna became drawn into the tale, deep in thought as they considered how it applied to their own lives. When their grandfather had finished, both grandchildren seemed calmer as they sat in silence reflecting on new angles to their current dilemmas.
Finally, Kevin broke the stillness, “Do you know any more of Old Man One Freckle’s stories? I found that really helpful.” Rhianna nodded her agreement but added that she first needed more time to think about the tale they had just heard as it had left her with much to ponder.
So the three arranged to meet for a series of fireside evenings at which Kevin and Rhianna would hear more Tales from the Known Kingdoms. These stories, which would eventually help them find their answers, are faithfully recorded in this book.
*****
Chapter 1: The Kingdom Of Storytellers
Once upon a time, in a medieval castle that nestled in the ancient Saganarra Mountains of the legendary kingdom of Exlibris, a special child was born. His coming had been foretold by sages of old, and was said to have been written in the stars. No one had been able to identify exactly when he would be born, but it had been divined that he would bring remarkable change to the kingdom.
As a rosy dawn welcomed the birth of the newcomer, no one realized the importance of the event as the child seemed like any other. His arrival was still a cause for celebration however, as this was the first-born of Prince Rufus and Princess Pandey (short for Pandemonium). Prince Rupert was the youngest son of the ruling family so the sounding of trumpets announced the child’s birth throughout the kingdom and a holiday was proclaimed in his honor.
That may sound like a fortuitous fairytale beginning for the awaited one, however, the facts were quite otherwise. Unfortunately, the Prince and Princess were not a fairytale couple but a pair of dysfunctional individuals completely lacking parental aptitude, and were also no strangers to marital conflict. Divine forces seemed to be playing games with the awaited one as the cosmic dice seemed loaded against him to ensure a challenging transit through life. The child though would not know how difficult it would be for some time.
For the moment, the new princelet and heir lay smiling and gurgling, gazing with wide-eyed interest from serene and soulful eyes at all who greeted him. He had the knowingness of an old soul about him as he looked at his parents with curiosity. His soft locks encircled his little head like a halo, and shone like burnished gold as the sunlight danced on them. This decided ‘Angelus’ as the obvious name to call him.
Now Exlibris was unique in the Known Kingdoms for being a land of Storytellers. At birth, each new child in the kingdom was gifted with a massive leather-bound book that would chronicle their life. It was the custom to have the child’s name emblazoned on the cover in gold Gothic characters, along with a representation of their totem animal.
The book was not scribed by hand and there was no need for a quill pen, as it was connected to the child’s mind through enchantment. When each new child was born, the Grand Sorcerer was summoned to mumble the official incantation; forging a magical connection between the child’s mind and his book.
From that auspicious moment, the entries tumbled thought by thought and pages filled unobserved between the leather covers. The contents wrote themselves; faithfully recording the child’s personal perspective of the events of their day. As each story represented the child’s viewpoint, each was the hero at the centre as their own unfolding life story.
These wondrous volumes had the magical ability of adding blank pages as required so the book expanded as the child grew. The book marked the child's growth like the rings in a tree trunk. The transcription continued throughout their entire lifetime, only to cease at the very moment of their passing. The contents formed an extended illuminated manuscript with small depictions here and there of special memorable moments.
Such weighty volumes were impractical to carry around so it was the custom to have a personalized bookstand in each person’s bedchamber to rest them on. These stands were living, organic things, which grew up through cracks in the flagstones. The carved figures and mythical beasts entwining the legs of the bookstands would shift hourly to reflect the current mood of the person and theme of the prevailing events.
Many a child had been terrified to awaken in the middle of the night to find their night terror hissing threateningly at them from one of the legs. As a result, a heavy coverlet was often thrown over the bookstand to conceal it so the child could sleep in peace.
At the end of a person’s life, the book was rested with honor in the Great Exlibris Library. This was a building of great significance, with Gothic pillars and monumental dragons guarding the sweeping staircase to the grand entrance. Scholars would come to study trends in the choices each individual made, as well as the direction of the kingdom as a whole.
Every life was considered important no matter how short or mundane, as each represented a different viewpoint, like facets of one common eye surveying the kingdom. The books laid bare an extraordinary depth and breadth to evolving human experience in their world and made for fascinating reading.
Strangely, only the volumes of those deceased were studied. It never occurred to anyone to look back at what they had previously written themselves. There was so much of interest in daily life, and so many challenges to deal with, that each person just kept moving forward day to day trusting all was being recorded for posterity.
Angelus & His Natal Suitcase
Now Exlibris had other extraordinary and otherworldly marvels. When babies were born into the realm they didn’t come unaccompanied or ill-prepared. Each was born carrying a small suitcase full of magical powers, tools and abilities. These were private: while other might guess at the contents only the child had full access to what it contained.
As dusk turned to night on the day of Angelus’ birth, those who had come to celebrate with the Royal family slowly headed home. All in the castle retired to bed and drifted to sleep and a hush fell upon the castle. However, babies don’t keep the same hours as other folk so for the first time Angelus found himself awake and alone.
On that first night in a fresh new world, little Angelus sat up in his royal crib and carefully opened his little suitcase. He was both startled and delighted when the lid sprung open like a jack-in-the box and a treasury of wonders burst forth. The suitcase seemed to have vastly more space on the inside than its modest outer appearance indicated.
By the soft clear moonlight, Angelus examined with great interest what he had brought on his journey. Laying the contents out in front of him, he examined each item in turn. He discovered the powers and abilities of Patience; Empathy; Masterful Imagination; Adventurous Spirit; Quiet and Reflective Introvert Temperament; Creativity; Talent for Teaching; Love of Nature; Sensitivity; Natural Wisdom, and Curiosity.
There was also a state-of-the-art Inner GPS system in the case. Angelus wasn’t sure what orbiting cosmic body might be picking up his GPS signal but it seemed to give accurate readings of where he was at any moment. It also had a search engine feature that would find a succinct answer if he posed an inner question. Nearby in the case was something like an early Smartphone from which he could play stored music in his head and an inner camera that took high-resolution snapshots of scenes he wished to recall. It also carried a range of ‘Applications’ which he could add to later - such as sticky notes to remember things for the short-term, a large database for longer term storage, a calculator for mental arithmetic, a dictionary and a ‘spot the dragon’ game. It was a princely treasure-trove indeed.
Tucked into the ample pockets at the back of the case were less defined but equally useful accessories to negotiate the world. These would ensure he had his own individual viewpoint, as one lifetime would not be enough to explore this world from every possible angle at once. Among these, he saw he had a preference for particular kinds of people as companions, a love of dogs, templates of what he would find attractive in a partner, leanings to be bookish and arty rather than sporting, and a desire to experience many opportunities in life rather than focusing deeply on any one interest.
Angelus also found a comprehensive physiological bounty of robust health, together with carefully programmed settings for certain sleep times, foods that suited his body, strength, a particular body shape, and temperatures his body would find comfortable. He also noted the amount of time he would need for quietness and solitude for his body to restore and rebalance each day. As he would be a sensitive, reflective person, he would particularly require this aspect of his trove.
Along with these glowing items there was a shadowy one hidden down the back, almost apologetically. It was a propensity for anxiety, which was stored in an inactive state near his Sensitivity. Angelus wasn’t concerned about this as it was only a potential and he was confident he could keep it in its place and ensure it would never come into being.
Angelus was curious to notice that he had come in with more wisdom than his parents currently had - even though they were adults. However, overall he did seem very well set up for life and thought he could handle that discrepancy. In fact, he seemed to be different from his parents in almost every way possible despite their blood connection. Fresh to the world and optimistic, Angelus decided that difference would make things interesting in his experience of life. This would indeed become prophetic, as his parents would bring him much learning – though not in the happy way he anticipated during these early days.
On that fresh new evening, little did Angelus know that written in his stars was also the potential to become one of the greatest of Storytellers; someone who could shape the future of the entire kingdom and be written into legend. This possibility was concealed from view deep within the folds of the suitcase lining so a normal life could unfold first. Without living his experiences in an ordinary way, Angelus wouldn’t have the understandings on which to build that future and he might have felt humbled, awed and a little daunted if he had known of his true capabilities that night.
After Angelus had examined the contents of his natal suitcase, he dragged towards him the still lightweight storybook on which his life was already being recorded. Angelus reverently turned his pristine, still lightweight, book in his hands, enjoying the look and feel of it. It seemed important and significant.
His small life and viewpoint would eternally remain noted in all its particulars after he was gone - whether it was a grand adventure, a mediocre life, or even one in which he lost his path and fell into dissolute ways. Others could still read of it later and learn from any unwise actions as well as the seeming successes. However as Angelus flicked the few starting pages he wasn’t anticipating anything but joy recorded in it as he had seen the wonderful skills and resources he had brought with him.
So it was that Angelus fell blissfully and optimistically asleep, undisturbed by a white owl as it hooted by his window and flew off towards distant silver fields. Not far from our sleeper, near the tall windows, his beautiful new bookstand rippled with changing reliefs of genial, beneficent creatures and figures of myth and legend. Upon it, his journal of gleaming promise lay open, recording his dreams in strange symbols as it shifted from day language to that of night, already chronicling his adventures.
Angelus’ first few years were focused on exploring his world as most children do. He ran wild, enjoying the soft grass between his toes and the wind ruffling his hair. He loved his body and marveled at how perfectly it worked. Curled autumn leaves crunched beneath his feet, raindrops trickled down his skin, and as symphony of rustling leaves and birdcall swept him up in new fascinations. Special times were spent lying on the warm sun-soaked ground, merging his consciousness with the swaying of branches overhead.
He had the sea in his soul and loved seeking small shells and hidden creatures among the rock pools of the nearby ocean. Laughing gleefully, he teased the dancing waves by running a little way in and then quickly dashing to shore as they chased him back. Other times he would settle as a gull might, poised in deep stillness as his awareness wandered the ever-changing sky. He felt deeply content as he seemed to disappear as a separate life form, to become woven into its vastness of the apparently unending seascape.
Angelus felt centred, whole and content in his own company. He never needed many toys as his senses and explorations of the natural world were always full of something new. He was also a Master of Imagination so there were always new dreams to dream, and games to invent, as he went singing and dancing through his world. Life was good and held everything he needed in every moment. While Angelus liked the company of others, he didn’t require it. He had the natural world and his imagination to fill the hours.
His bookstand creatures became more fantastical, fun-filled and joyful. Lying at the foot of his bed before sleep, he would chat to them and tell them stories. His dreams were always restful and the creatures friendly. Angelus was truly a delightful being, quite unself-conscious and flowing with what life brought him in each moment.
I wish I could say life continued as wonderfully as it had begun for Angelus, and that he would always be able to remember the truth of his value and contentment as years passed. In these first few years, Angelus was raised under the care of a wise and warm palace nurse who loved the child dearly. However, custom decreed that it was soon time for Princess Pandey to take charge of his upbringing.
Angelus really didn’t know his mother as she was still pursuing the activities of her single life and had made little accommodation to having had a child. For her, a baby was a new asset that would attract interest to her for a while, but soon she would want to hand him back to the nurse and go out dancing and socializing until late. She would often be so hung-over in the morning that she wouldn’t arise till late, and then would head out to meet friends for lunchtime gossip sessions.
Taking over the reality of a child’s care came as a rude shock for Princess Pandey. Angelus didn’t sit quietly in the corner like a doll as she had expected from a child, but actually required attention. Unlike the old nurse, Pandey found Angelus’ sunny disposition highly irritating.
Impatient and quick tempered by nature, Pandey had never enjoyed children particularly and it wasn’t long before she was skulking around in a bad mood; taking issue with everything Angelus did. The marriage had deteriorated to open hostility before the birth of Angelus and it was unraveling further daily. Prince Rufus would get out of her way early each day on the excuse of work to be done somewhere - anywhere else.
When Rufus was home he avoided Pandey as she had become more controlling and critical of him. When he arrived home at night she would confront him with her list of complaints, they would have their nightly skirmish and he would storm off to find entertainment elsewhere. This was such a predictable dance that the stable boy always had his horse saddled after supper. Prince Rufus was no great gift for Pandey to have around anyway as he had no idea how to care for a child. As Angelus grew and showed little interest in playing ball games, Rufus left him mostly to his mother as he had no other idea of how to relate to his son.
Increasingly Pandey gave up on Rufus, adapted to his absence and decided this was preferable to his company. He wasn’t forgotten however, as her caustic resentments about him formed the main content of discussions with her girlfriends.
Pandy’s character had deepened in its negativity, cynicism and pickiness. She seemed simmering with hostility and darkness of mood much of the time. Angelus’ mood seemed too upbeat to her, and every sound he made singing and playing seemed magnified. When he moved from one exploration to another he wasn’t neat and ordered, nor did he regiment his toys to her expectations the moment he had finished playing. Like Rufus, Pandey could recognize nothing of herself in her son so she started to see him as different and not understandable.
Where the old nurse had allowed Angelus to chatter to her as he developed his speech and ideas, Pandey wanted him to be quiet and stop annoying her. She would order him to immediately drop his games and follow her commands like a little tin soldier. When he attempted to negotiate a different time-line for carrying out the order, or discuss a different way of undertaking it, she would explode. This was ‘answering back’ and she wouldn’t tolerate what she saw as disrespect.
Very quickly, Pandey replaced the nurse’s quiet discussions and gentle guidance with army-like discipline involving harsh consequences and berating words. Since Angelus didn’t obey with the rigor she required, and seemed to her eyes to be over-active, disrespectful, messy and disobedient, she decided he had ‘behavior problems’. The Court Physician disagreed with her diagnosis as he knew the sunny child well and saw a normal exploring child where she saw disorder and inconvenience.
Pandey became ever more discontented in her mothering as her world fell further out of control and her unhappiness in life increased. Yelling and barked orders echoed through the palace from dawn to dusk with an imaginative range of restrictions imposed on Angelus. He could never please her and a new word ‘naughty’ seemed constantly shrieked at him. It was a harsh sound and one he didn’t like. He started to shrivel inside when he heard her tone, and slunk off in shame when she leveled ‘the eye’ on him.
Pandey wasn’t an evil mother but she was unskilled in managing her own emotion and had no idea how to successfully raise a child. She was very much out of her depth and felt that she would have been happier having never become a mother. However, defying logic and believing her first child’s personality had just been bad luck, Pandey decided to add several more offspring to her brood in the hope of having more success with them.
Not unsurprisingly, this solution didn’t improve matters for Pandey, except for the short time she enjoyably spent dressing up her new daughter like a little doll. However, Angelus’ new sister hated the fussing and was more a tomboy at heart so very soon she too was being yelled at.
Pandey did find one benefit in numbers as she now assigned the older children some of her unpleasant responsibilities around the castle and entrusted them with the care of the younger children to give her more time to herself.
Angelus Develops a New View of Himself & Prints Some Labels
By now Angelus, still in truth a delightful child, had started to develop a distorted view of himself under the constant assaults - even though there was certainly nothing intrinsically wrong with him.
As his world started to change, Angelus was at first puzzled, then tried to make sense of this troubling turn of events. Still being a small child he believed his mother must be right somehow. In making sense of this, he took things personally as a young child does, and decided that he mustn’t be good enough. After all, he did seem to get it wrong so very often and his mother found him so unacceptable. Perhaps he was even innately unlovable, he pondered.
He ignored the views of the nurse and physician who had both strongly disproved these ideas of himself . His mother outweighed them in importance in his mind, and her views were more prominent in his daily experience.
In fact, most of the Palace weren’t treating him badly but he filtered that fact out as it didn’t fit his new conclusions about himself. Even when someone was kind, he brushed it off as an anomaly. His mood fell and life seemed to have lost its sparkle. Now all he could see around him was evidence of his failures.
There was a disturbance in his storybook too. The atmosphere within it became dark and foreboding, as depressed periods began and he dwelt on being ‘unlovable’ and ‘not good enough’. The creatures on his bookstand morphed into terrifying beasts, and eventually he had to ask a Palace Guard to throw a coverlet over them so the disturbing sight wouldn’t keep him awake at night. However, the creatures haunted his dreams and he often awoke with night terrors.
One day, finding himself with time on his hands at the castle printing press, and having started to arrive at new self-descriptions to explain his parents’ rejection of him, Angelus decided to crank off a huge stack of handy sticky labels printed with ‘I’m not good enough’ and ‘I’m unlovable’. From that time, he always had some on hand to apply to new situations.
As he wandered through his youth, dragging his feet and feeling troubled, almost everything that happened to him started to become an example to stick one of his labels on. He would miss a lunge at sword training and on would go the sticker ‘I’m not good enough’ - even though a mistake was just part of learning and had nothing to do with his worth.
Often in his sad preoccupied state, he would notice what scant attention his father gave him, and on would go his label of ‘I’m unlovable’. Angelus reasoned that if he were truly lovable, his father would want to spend time with him. Prince Rufus’ neglect of his son sprung from his urge to avoid home due to his problems with Princess Pandey, as well as his inability to understand someone whose interests were different from his own. The label Angelus placed on himself was wrong yet the young child sadly didn’t realize that.
Angelus’ confidence dropped in direct proportion to his growing belief in his labels. The more Angelus stuck on his labels, the more inept he actually became. That predisposal to anxiety and stress from his natal suitcase was activated. It took root and Angelus fed it daily with all the threats to his safety and self-esteem that he noticed surrounding him.
Angelus’ stress interfered with his memory and thinking so he soon began to dread his school lessons. He would read the same things repeatedly yet they would not sink in. His tutors saw him as lazy or lacking aptitude despite his true innate intelligence. With his brilliant imagination Angelus would daydream to take his mind elsewhere, or use it ‘for evil instead of good’ ruminating on possible future disasters. He would rehearse in his mind where he had ‘screwed up’ to add fuel to this depressing mind stew.
The labels bothered Angelus and he tried to adjust his life to avoid failing or being criticized by his mother. He came up with some strategies to deal with the situation. Following his father’s model of coping with difficulties, Angelus started to adopt various manners of avoidance. He would dodge his mother as often as he could, and feign sickness to explain missing homework to his tutors. Lying had never been in his honest nature, but half-truths and omissions crept in to help him avoid criticism.
Sometimes he would loudly defend himself as he had heard his parents do frequently in their many spats. However, Pandey would then chide him for being argumentative. Apparently, this was suitable adult behavior but unacceptable in children – particularly if it was Pandey being challenged.
Rufus Tries His Hand at Fathering
Rufus’ attempts at fathering started to become more noticeable as Angelus grew to puberty. By now, Rufus had settled into a more notable role at court, though he was still an immature lad on the inside. He played the business game and acted the part, emulating his father by looking ‘significant’ and palming off anything too difficult to others. Long liquid lunches, days off shooting in the fields with business associates, and some not-so-secret wenching ensured Rufus maintained his quota of play.
His halfhearted attempts at fathering involved echoing any orders his wife gave to Angelus and criticizing him when he slipped up. Rufus’ assumed this criticism would ‘inspire’ Angelus to try harder, as though constantly drawing his son’s attention to his errors would result in Angelus realizing where he needed to lift his game. Rufus also hoped that Angelus would see where he had displeased his parents and be inspired to change to avoid their disappointment.
In reality, the criticism did nothing to inspire. Instead it made Angelus’ self-worth drop even lower as all he heard was where he was getting it wrong - by his parents rules at least.
As Angelus reached his teenage years, Rufus extended his ‘inspirational’ strategy. He ‘encouraged’ his son by tearing him apart for academic failure and laziness. While Rufus had hardly been a great academic success in life, he believed that his son’s future rose or fell on academic and intellectual success. Rufus also believed that his own success as a father hung on motivating Angelus to great attainments.
So Rufus hounded the boy to ‘lift his game’ and berated him for time spent on the creative pursuits which were Angelus’ only pleasure. Although Angelus had great aptitude for artistic expression, Rufus saw art as not far removed from women’s needlepoint: impractical and unmanly. As a result, he was scathing when he caught Angelus drawing.
Angelus Becomes an Adult
Rufus also chose his son’s course of study, ordering him to specialize in finance and warfare, which he felt would suit him best for the world - at least as Rufus, understood it. These subjects were not prominent among Angelus’ birth skills so he struggled with his studies. Diplomacy and wise ruling were more his innate skills but he was far from realizing this now.
By the time he became an adult, Angelus was feeling embattled and overwhelmed with emotion. He frequently had to return to the castle press to print off more stickers as there seemed to be so many more things to apply these old familiar labels to. He stumbled further downhill as he entered his adult life. He ‘knew’ his lack of value by this time and had given up on ever being loved.
In truth, many people regarded Angelus fondly but he couldn’t see it. If others reached out to connect with him, he kept conversations brief and revealed little of himself; remaining locked in his inner misery. If they wanted to include him he always found ways to avoid this as he felt profoundly alone and different, and didn’t believe he would fit in. As a result, Angelus was invited out less, and that just confirmed to him his lack of connection with others. On the odd occasion he did go out, he only focused on what wasn’t working, or how he was different, so he undermined any common bond present.
By now, every task seemed huge and confusion was his regular mind-state. The mounting anxiety made him feel as if he was constantly pursued by wild beasts. He sleepwalked joylessly through his work at the Palace. The Court Physician had prescribed anti-depressant elixirs after he nearly stepped over a parapet in his blank state.
A Turning Point
So life dragged on relentlessly until one day near his 38th birthday. Angelus hoped to avoid this occasion as it just marked another year of failure on his calendar of life, and he saw nothing worth celebrating. Yet this would prove to be a pivotal day which would change everything, not only for him but also for the entire kingdom.
That evening, Angelus was in his bedchamber stressing about the innumerable trivial demands he wasn’t coping with. Two failed live-in relationships were behind him and he had recently returned to his childhood home at the castle.
He had never married as he imagined that it would be like being trapped in an extension of his hellish childhood. He never believed women if they said they saw something in him and loved him. After all, this didn’t fit with his labels so he doubted their veracity and imputed dubious motives to the maidens.
That night, ever clumsy with his plummeting confidence, he managed to pull an entire drawer out of a cupboard and the contents were strewn all over the floor. Items of ornamental regalia rolled everywhere – including under the coverlet that had long shielded his view of his bookstand.
As he plunged his arm under to retrieve his possessions, he became snagged in the coverlet which fell away and revealed his long-forgotten life book on its stand.
Angelus recoiled at the sight of the now grotesque creatures of the stand, yet he managed to look past their ferocity and see the book for the first time since his early youth. Something about it called to him and, as though in a trance, he took the book from its stand and started to flick through the pages.
Paragraphs that stirred memories stood out to him here and there and it wasn’t long before he found himself starting at the beginning and reading it all the way through. It was such a compelling read that he didn’t want to put it down.
He was so caught up with it that it became his priority and obsession. He would sneak away as often as he could; reading on into the dawn hours each day until he finally finished it. Tears of sadness and longing fell on the pages as he read the freedom and joyfulness of the small child celebrating his natural world. He almost couldn’t believe there had once been a time when he had seen himself as happy and full of confidence; a time when his labels just didn’t seem to apply.
Who Is The Real Angelus?
Yet didn’t the labels describe who he was in truth? How could there be two truths to him? This confused him. Angelus now had an overview of his entire life. He could now see the perspective of the child, yet also figuratively stand at that child’s shoulder as an adult, seeing things differently from the point of adult understanding.
In a moment of revelation, Angelus saw that it wasn’t the events he had experienced, or even the negative comments he had heard from his parents, that ultimately were his problem. Rather it was the meaning he had made of all that he had experienced. He had unquestioning adopted other people’s views of him without assessing whether they were true for him.
The biggest realization was that he had constructed his identity as he had gone through his life. He had built his idea of who he was based on a succession of distortions of thinking and half-baked ideas.
Angelus realized that he had developed a story about himself that had limited his choices. However he now saw that this story was really just a series of ideas about what he might be, and wasn’t the ultimate truth about him at all.
Angelus had decided as he grew up that there was something wrong with him, but he now saw that view was based on a child’s interpretation. As an adult, he knew well his parents’ difficult personalities and misdirected attempts at caring. Reading his story now, Angelus decided he really didn’t blame them as he realized parenting wasn’t in their birth skill set. It didn’t mean some of their more troubled moments were acceptable, but now at least for the first time Angelus didn’t blame himself. Instead he started to question the truth of his story about who he was.
He also saw that his suffering through life was due to the labels he had mistakenly applied willy-nilly to all situations. His life would have been different without those distorted labels. It was the labeling, which was the problem, not him.
Angelus now realized consciously that he had been spinning a story in his mind about the events in his life. Each interpretation had taken him further from himself - BUT IT WAS JUST A STORY and not the truth about himself!
Angelus Fulfills His Destiny
Angelus now decided to do something never before done in the kingdom. He resolved to re-write his life story based on what he now knew as an adult. He left the original account of the events as they were and asked the Grand Sorcerer to use a special incantation to add a blank page between each written one.
It took the Sorcerer a while to work out how to achieve this as it had never been done before, but he was most curious about the project and put aside other work to assist him.
When the book was complete with its new pages, Angelus began writing alternative explanations of the events of his life as he now saw them. As he worked through the story revisiting and editing pivotal interpretations, his view of himself began to shift as he absorbed his updated view.
When he finally finished, Angelus decided that instead of just allowing automatic story recording as was the custom, he would take conscious control of how he interpreted situations from this moment forth. He would question each belief and use this to decide the direction of his own story.
Angelus reminded himself that he may still need to return to his past stories and tinker with his interpretations at times, as he understood more about himself and life. So, Angelus’ story became an evolving work of art where he would touch up a colour here and there in his mind, and continue to remove any accidental smudges where distortions needed to be corrected.
As Angelus worked on his story, the fantabulous creatures on the bookstand settled back into the glowing wood with contented smiles on their now benign faces. Never again would they be hidden from view. In fact, from now on, Angelus would celebrate them and they would partner him in his journey.
If their appearance started to become troublesome in any way, he would take note of that feedback. It would mean his thinking and emotions had slipped in a negative direction and he would need to stop and consciously question the interpretations he had made about his life.
And so again, the creatures and he renewed their friendship as in early childhood. And so, with peace of mind again, Angelus finally rediscovered the joy and confidence that he had known in his childhood as it merged with the greater understanding of his adult self.
*****
Your Life Story is a Work of Fiction
As the opening credits rolled at the beginning of your life, I wonder what you as an infant, about to break on the big screen, might have anticipated in your life ahead.
How would you have described yourself then compared to the way you see yourself now? What was your starter personality: the contents of your suitcase? Would you have quaked to see the mettle in the ‘villains’ you were to share your early years with – before you became caught in the trance where you would absorb what they said as fact?
As your story evolved, did you write a drama, romance, adventure, or a combination of all of these? What role did you choose or play out - black sheep, sports success, good person, adventurer, peacemaker, victim, martyr, famed success, geek, failure, vamp or Casanova? Did you follow the ‘script that could have been’ or is it lying interrupted in the past? Did you give up somewhere and let someone else write your story for you according to his or her personality preferences?
You as Your Own Storyteller
You may think you drift through life passively, and that life just happens to you. However, this isn’t how it is at all: you take a very active part.
You are always trying to make sense of what’s happening, and assessing how you are doing. On the basis of that, you will take certain directions in life, hang out with particular people, join activities or not, have some conversations rather than others. This is going on all the time. Even a choice to allow life to carry you, is an active decision in which you say ‘No” to other options. Every one of these choices will depend on how you define yourself and your place in the world.
You walk in an ongoing commentary, narrating events to yourself as you spot patterns, try to make sense of others, the world and yourself, and evaluate your performance. When you feel confused, you may even use the term ‘Lost the Plot’ as if you can’t find where we are in relation to your story.
People think they are just seeing the world as they know it to be, yet what they say they ‘know’ about themselves and the world changes as they go along. This might be just an interesting fact to notice if it wasn’t so central to what limits people and disturbs their peace of mind.
Some people are very aware of this commentary when it is negative as they hear a constant inner chatterbox voicing fear and doom, self-doubt and limitation. Unfortunately, this soundtrack tends to be resolutely negative and drowns people in guilt and self-doubt. Often this Inner Critic carries the old voice of a critical parent from the past. Sometimes it expresses our own self-condemnation. This negative commentary is often referred to as the Inner Critic.
In the past, inner chat was often also seen as a voice of conscience - as in Walt Disney’s Jiminy Cricket figure that sat on Pinocchio’s shoulder and alerted him to dangers and likely falls from Grace. Actually, the chat in our head is rarely wise or helpful as Jiminy is portrayed. Real inner guidance doesn’t come from the head or thinking but rather from a more visceral ‘sensing’, insight, or ‘gut feeling’.
How People Get So Off-Track In How They View Themselves
At birth everyone arrives with a starter personality of a certain ‘flavor’ which will incline them to look at things in certain ways and not others. It contains a genetically encoded mix of enduring characteristics, changeable features and predispositions.
Then as they are exposed to the particular personalities and ideas of our caregivers, school, culture and friends, these add filters to how they view themselves and the world. Often they take these ideas on as further ‘truth’ that they are accumulating about the world. Yet these beliefs they are gathering aren’t absolute ‘truth but rather are particular viewpoints, mired in distortions of thinking from their own sources. Their ‘truth’ can end up being quite different even from others who had a similar upbringing.
As distortion builds on distortion, people get further and further into tilted opinion about themselves. They also reject views to the contrary as ‘false’. In so doing, they don’t allow in evidence to the contrary to disprove the negative views.
Most people see their life as a series of factual occurrences faithfully recorded in memory and see their view of themselves as ‘truth’. Yet memories of the past aren’t just a factual video recording as most people think. Each memory is stored from a particular viewpoint, colored by the emotion of the person experiencing the event at the time. Perhaps you have noticed how different family members may recall having quite varied experiences of the same event, as well as having different sets of facts they recall about it. When the event originally unfolded each viewed it from the perspective of their own personality and emotional state at the time. They then made meaning of it by adding their personal working subtitles of ‘what that meant’.
Each person links these personal subtitles of ‘what events mean’ together and they become the story of their life as they recall it. However, these subtitles are all just ‘made up’ ideas that seemed to make sense at the time, and mostly they were arrived at based on the limited understanding they had as a child.
As people grow and understand more, ideally they can upgrade these old hypotheses about what an event or comment really meant. The problem is they mostly do not, and they sit in the back of their mind as ‘truth’, where they are used as the basis for making further distortions in the way Angelus did with his labels.
Even when people start to look at ourselves differently if they do therapy or self-growth work, the old out-dated ideas keep undermining the new ones if they aren’t revised. For instance, someone tries to make a success of their life, yet an old voice in the recesses of their mind reminds them of their father’s comments that they would ‘never amount to anything’. So the new idea of them as ‘successful’ feels fraudulent and hollow - despite any current evidence suggesting they are a success.
In fact, ‘Imposter Syndrome’ is a name given to the many prominent, high functioning people who feel less adequate than others think they are. They often fear being unmasked as revealed as a fraud or imposter eventually, despite the fact that their work is clearly at high level by any measure. Such ‘imposters’ are unable to absorb the truth of their success into their view of themselves as it doesn’t fit their ‘truth’ about who they are.
So What Is The ‘True’ Story About Your Life?
There are no ‘true’ stories or meanings in a general sense as people’s lives are a flow of experiences that don’t have any definitive meaning in themselves. People assign the meaning as they see fit.
Everyone has the choice to focus on the positive or negative as they assess others, events, or themselves. Their mood, family rules and beliefs, culture and personality habits will greatly influence what meaning they choose to apply.
When they are in a negative mood, they are likely to access memories from that soured viewpoint and recall other examples where things had gone wrong for them. In a joyful mood, they may remember all the occasions for which they are grateful. This is very evident at relationship breakups when partners may be unable to recall anything good about the outgoing partner whom they could only feel love for in the honeymoon period.
So at any point in time everyone stands like a magician, choosing which alternate pasts to recall - those that offer evidence of what seems positive or negative in the present. Either way, they are likely to be selecting from a highly distorted collection of ideas they have accumulated about who they, and even other people, are.
Each is a master storyteller with a ‘choose your own adventure’ book of life in their hands. Whenever they get to a choice point in their story and have to decide which of two directions to take, any limited beliefs they have about themselves will switch them onto a lesser adventure. Yet without the distorted views and old misconceptions about who they are, they could just as easily taken an alternative route to something better.
Almost everyone can look back and see those choice points and ‘roads not taken’. This is where distorted subtitles profoundly affect people’s lives.
Beliefs & Thoughts – Powerful Invisible Things
Most people don’t put much value on their thoughts, seeing them as transient and unsubstantial wisps of nothing. They aren’t concrete like a chair you sit in and multitudes of them seem to drift in an out of the mind all day. However, their role in your life in much more powerful than that and it is very important to be aware of what thoughts you focus on as they become one’s subtitles and determine life choices.
Although countless thoughts pour through the mind, the problematic thoughts are the ones that people dwell on, become attached to, feel lost in, block, resist or fearfully push away. They are also the ones they take seriously as the ‘truth’ about the world, and they identify with being ‘them’.
In addition, thoughts have an almost magnetic quality. Whatever someone is focusing on in any moment, pulls up more and more associated ideas and that issue will grow to fill the mind – much the same as when a camera zooms in on a small detail and it fills the frame. This is useful for problem solving and creativity. It is not so wonderful if you are focusing on that you believe is wrong with you, as the mind will bring to you more associated ideas along this theme.
Many thoughts seem almost black and white - just cold, hard facts that form the operating system and tools of your life. Others come associated with an emotion that gives them more power to grab attention. These thoughts can lift people joyfully or slam them to the depths.
When someone is feeling an emotion, generally it had been triggered by a thought or belief. The thought may have come just before it, or may have its origins in old memories or learned associations from the past.
Thoughts are of prime importance. They contain the meaning that people assign to events they encounter. These thoughts define their ideas about themselves, other people and what they might expect in the world. Thoughts are also the main origin of emotional reactions, and as such, the source of both joy and suffering.
Generally, the thoughts come first and emotion then flows like an aroma of the thinking. For instance, if a thought is pleasant comfortable emotions will flow, but if it is assessed as negative, darker emotions may result.
Old Thinking and Current Reactions
Have you noticed times when some comment or event has thrown you off balance or pushed you into an unexplainable overreaction or vulnerability?
The mind seems built on noticing patterns. This is useful in helping to build a database of experience so people can negotiate life more efficiently without constantly facing every situation as if it is new. It also assists survival as it means people can spot dangers similar to ones they or others they know have encountered before, and thus avoid them.