Happy In MY Skin
Develop your self-esteem and confidence
Caroline Britton
Copyright Caroline Britton 2009
ISBN Paperback 978-0-473-15468-4
Pdf 978-0-473-15469-1
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, the please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Cover Design by Katherine Quin www.designonq.co.nz
CONTENTS
Testimonials
Introduction
Acknowledgements
Chapter 1
How Do I Fit?
Chapter 2
Understanding Self-Esteem
Chapter 3
Discovering a New Way of Thinking
Chapter 4
What Makes Me React the Way I Do?
Chapter 5
Creating My BAG to Boost My Self-Esteem
Chapter 6
What Makes Up My Attitude?
Chapter 7
Choosing to Be Assertive
Chapter 8
So What’s My Communication Style
Chapter 9
Look How Far I’ve Come
Epilogue
When You’re the Parent
Attitude Pyramid
Happy In MY Skin
Testimonials
‘I like this little book a lot. It’s short and easy to read, but has a lot of “meat” in it for young women to work with and learn from. Caroline’s writing style is lovely, charming and accessible. I’d love for girls and young women to be able to carry this around easily in a handbag or backpack.’
Jennifer Read Hawthorne, inspirational speaker and #1 bestselling co-author of Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul and Life Lessons for Loving the Way You Live
‘Happy in MY Skin is a wonderful conversation that young women of varied ages will identify with and learn from. It addresses solid self-esteem and confidence theory and delivers the right messages, lessons and practices that, if followed, are sure to make young women build their self-esteem at a time in their teenage years when they are most vulnerable. Healthy self-esteem along with a ‘real” Mrs. Wise in their life to mentor them through both the highs and the lows are key ingredients to young women having the confidence to realize their potential.’
Jo-anne Wilkinson, Co-Founder and Executive Trustee of the Foundation for Youth Development
‘Happy in MY Skin is a timely and most important work to support young people in remembering the truth about themselves comes from within and not from the outside world. May this book be widely distributed to support our priceless next generations of young adults.’
Steve Viglione, Author of the international best-seller, The I AM! Affirmation Book; Discovering the Value of Who You Are
‘Happy in MY SKIN is a real gem of a book for helping young people understand how they can increase their self confidence. The book takes the reader through the evolution of Fiona, the main character, as she discovers that she actually does have power over her own emotions and that there is something she can do about the low self-esteem she feels. Weaved in between each short chapter are questions for the reader to apply and contemplate about their own life. You can’t help but learn lessons about choosing better thoughts, the importance of setting goals, focusing on what you like about yourself and so much more while enjoying this book. Young people will find it entertaining and will discover vital life lessons in the process.’
- Rhonda Ryder, Founder, www.KidsAwakening.com
Introduction
● Do you think you have low self-esteem?
● Are you less confident than you’d like to be?
● Are you being bullied?
Happy in MY Skin is a short book packed with practical and immediately useful techniques to build and maintain your self-esteem and confidence.
Written as a story, Happy in MY Skin focuses on Fiona’s journey, transforming her from sitting on the sidelines of life, feeling lonely and left out, to developing her self-esteem and confidence and beginning to build the life she wants for herself, guided along the way by Mrs. Wise.
The concept behind Happy in MY Skin is simple – it’s about building a strong foundation of self-esteem and confidence that will allow you to live comfortably in your own skin and value yourself.
Acknowledgements
Writing Happy in MY Skin has been a wonderful experience, not least because it has caused me to stop and reflect upon how lucky I am to have been born into a family that has supported and encouraged me in everything I’ve accomplished – so thank you mum and dad – you have been a constant source of inspiration.
To my husband Garry for his endless patience and help with the writing process, I couldn’t have done it without you.
To Jennifer Read Hawthorne, Jo-anne Wilkinson, Steve Viglione and Rhonda Ryder – thank you for your testimonials and encouragement. I appreciate your time and willingness to support a “new kid on the block.”
To Kat Quin of Design on Q – thank you for your fabulous cover design which was perfect first time – I love it!
To everyone else - and although there are too many of you to name, you will know who you are – thank you for always being there when I’ve needed you.
And finally, to the readers, thank you for sharing Fiona’s journey and may she help you with yours.
Happy In MY Skin
This is Fiona’s story. It’s a story of her development as she tries to find her place in the world, overcome her lack of self-esteem and confidence, and set the foundations upon which she will build her life. Join Fiona now on her journey of self-discovery and learn more about yourself on the way.
Chapter One – How do I fit?
Fiona looked sadly around the schoolyard. She could see small groups of girls laughing and chatting and enjoying themselves. She was sad because she didn’t fit into any of the groups – she wasn’t part of the “cool kids” club and she wasn’t “geeky” enough to hangout with the “geeks.” She pretended she didn’t mind being excluded, but really, she did. She felt hurt and rejected and very lonely. Sometimes, the other kids called her a “snobby cow” or worse; and she tried hard not to let them see that she cared. At lunch time every day she took her sandwiches and sat on a bench under a big tree, as far away from the other kids as she could get without breaking school rules and leaving the grounds. Everyday she sat there – watching.
She tried to work out how to change so that she’d fit in, but she couldn’t, and she felt even more of an outsider.
Unfortunately, things at home weren’t much better. Fiona was the middle of three children – three girls. Her older sister Sarah was sensational – she was gorgeous. Tall, slim, popular and clever – everything Fiona wanted to be. Her younger sister Courtney was cute. She was pretty and funny. She kept everyone entertained and they loved her. And to Fiona, it looked like she’d grow up to be as gorgeous as Sarah. Only she – Fiona – was gawky and awkward, and not remotely entertaining. Sometimes, she wondered if she belonged in her family at all. She was often overlooked. She frequently heard her mother make comments like, “oh Fiona’s all right,” and “don’t worry about Fiona,” and she didn’t know how to tell her that she wasn’t “all right,” and that sometimes she did need “worrying about.” Because she wasn’t as gorgeous and clever as Sarah, neither was she cute and funny like Courtney, Fiona felt that the best thing for her to do was to blend into the background and cause no trouble. She would be the “good one”. Trouble was, no-one ever said that either.
She hardly ever complained about anything and she did as she was told. Often when she tried to speak out, she was ignored or overruled, so it was easier not to bother. And when she did occasionally voice her opinion, it wasn’t really hers because she tailored her opinion to fit with the opinions of those around her. She figured that they’d like her more if she agreed with them. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes, she was accused of being a “copy cat” and a “greaser.” Sometimes, Fiona thought she just couldn’t win. She felt trapped and alone.
Life at school definitely wasn’t much fun and life at home wasn’t that great either. Fiona was beginning to think that no matter how hard she tried, she’d never fit in anywhere. She tried to be happy with her life, but she wasn’t. What was worse was that she had no idea how to change anything.
The lunch bell rang, and amidst all the noise and chatter, Fiona went to her locker, took out her lunchbox and headed quietly for her usual position on the bench at the far end of the schoolyard.
Summary
Beginning your journey of building a healthy self-esteem and developing your confidence starts with clearly defining how you feel.
- Do you feel that you fit in at school?
- Do you feel that you fit in at home?
- What makes you feel that you fit in?
- What makes you feel that you don’t fit in?
A Quick Self-Esteem Quiz – How good is YOUR Self-Esteem?
Please rate yourself according to these scores
Not like me at all - 0
A bit like me - 1
Quite like me - 2
A lot like me - 3
Exactly like me - 4
1. I believe I am important
2. I can pat myself on the back when good things happen
3. I know what I want out of life
4. I am confident I can be who I want to be
5. I am able to stand up for myself
6. I criticise my behaviours not myself
7. I believe that it is OK to make mistakes
8. I learn from my mistakes
9. I celebrate my successes
10. I don’t mind it when things change
11. I use positive self-talk more than negative self-talk
12. I surround myself with positive people
13. I can accept other people’s ideas even if they are different from my own
14. I enjoy my own company
Interpreting Your Score
1 – 14 Your self-esteem is low. It’s time for change. Begin slowly by crediting yourself with small achievements. Spend 10 minutes every day focussing on the things you’ve done well.
15 – 28 You’re currently “in between.” Focus positively and you’ll make progress. For every negative thought, immediately replace it with a positive one.
29 – 41 You’re on your way. Stay positively focussed. Set goals to keep up the improvement. You’ll find a framework for setting clear goals later in the book.
42 – 56 Great stuff! You have a healthy self-esteem. Keep up the good work to make sure you don’t slide.
If your score is lower than you expected, don’t worry, self-esteem can be learned!
My Personal Points of Learning:
Things I’m going to work on:
Chapter Two – Understanding Self-Esteem
Mrs. Wise had been a teacher for more years than she cared to remember. She’d started at the school when her own children were young and now with the passing of the years, she was working with her first student’s children, and in some cases, with their children’s children. She didn’t feel old until she looked in a mirror where the passing of time was etched on her face. And although she didn’t like the wrinkles that were multiplying daily, she was comfortable with herself and with her achievements. When she looked in the mirror, she liked what she saw. It hadn’t always been that way though, especially when she was younger.
Everyone at school liked Mrs. Wise. She was firm, fair, kind and wise, making her very popular with both the “cool kids” and the “geeks.”
Each lunch time Mrs. Wise ate her lunch quickly before setting off to wander around the schoolyard. Although some days she’d have liked to have put her feet up in the staff room and relaxed, she believed that wandering round the schoolyard kept her in touch with the kids – who was friendly with whom, who was not.
Day after day she noticed that Fiona chose to sit on her own at the far end of the playing field. As far as Mrs. Wise could see she never joined in with any of the groups. She knew Fiona was a good student; she was intelligent, and she was studious. She was never any problem in class. It was highly unlikely that Fiona’s report card would ever say anything like “could do better if she applied herself,” like many of her peers.
Seeing Fiona sitting on her own again, Mrs. Wise decided to walk over and spend some time with her.
Fiona pretended not to see her approaching and carried on nibbling at her sandwich. She couldn’t help wondering why a teacher was venturing so far across the playing field. She hadn’t done anything wrong, had she? She was allowed to be over here, wasn’t she?
‘Hello Fiona, do you mind if I sit with you for a moment?’
‘Of course not, Mrs. Wise,’ she replied nervously; and Mrs. Wise noticed the hesitancy in her voice.
‘Thank you, Fiona. I’m on a get fit drive at the moment and this about as far as you can walk without leaving the school grounds. Plus, I can have a seat and get my breath back.’
Fiona nodded and continued quietly nibbling her sandwich.
‘It’s nice and peaceful over here, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ responded Fiona, quietly.
‘Is that why you come over here for your lunch?’
‘I ‘s’pose.’
Mrs. Wise nodded thoughtfully.
‘How are things going with your studies?’
‘Good thank you,’ responded Fiona politely, hoping that Mrs. Wise would start on her return journey quite soon. But I bet she doesn’t, she thought morosely, just my luck! It wasn’t that she didn’t like Mrs. Wise – she did – it was just that she didn’t know what to talk about. She never did. And long silences embarrassed her. Today though, she needn’t have worried. Mrs. Wise didn’t need a lot of encouragement to start a conversation, or to keep it going when it was faltering. Years and years of training had taught her how to encourage people to talk to her without feeling as though they were facing an interrogation squad.
‘So, Fiona, what do you do outside school?’
‘Not much really.’
‘What are your hobbies?’
‘I like to read.’
‘Me too. Who is your favourite author?’
Fiona was beginning to feel a little more comfortable. Talking about her favourite author was a lot easier and much safer than talking about herself.
Mrs. Wise noticed that she was becoming quite animated as she talked. What a pity other people couldn’t see it. What a pity Fiona couldn’t see it. She was a different person altogether when she was talking about something she felt passionate about.
‘Are your family great readers too?’ asked Mrs. Wise.
Immediately she saw the shutters come down and the wariness return to Fiona’s eyes. She could have kicked herself. Until then, their conversation had been going so well; and now she was determined to find out why the lights had gone out of the young woman’s eyes when she mentioned her family.
‘No, mine weren’t either. My father could never understand why I loved reading so much. He used to accuse me of sticking my nose in a book rather than getting on with my chores. Even if I’d worked really hard and finished all my chores before everyone else so that I could read for a while, he used to pick on me and give me extra jobs to do. Sometimes, he’d make me go back and do them again because if I was finished that fast, I couldn’t have done a good job. At times, I used to feel like I could do nothing right.’ A bit of an exaggeration thought Mrs. Wise, but in Fiona’s case, needs must.
‘I know,’ replied Fiona shyly. She was surprised to learn that Mrs. Wise had similar feelings to her own. Until now she’d thought she was the only person in the world to feel like she did.
‘Sometimes I don’t feel part of my family at all. I don’t even look much like my sisters. They’re both really pretty and clever and I’m, well, I’m just ordinary. They make me feel so insignificant.’
Talking to Mrs. Wise like this made Fiona feel like crying so she looked up at the passing clouds – a wee trick she’d read about somewhere. Apparently, if you looked up when you felt tears pricking at your eyelids, they wouldn’t roll down your cheeks – and it worked she was pleased to discover. She didn’t really want to cry in front of a teacher, even it if was Mrs. Wise.
But Mrs. Wise noticed and her heart went out to the sad young woman.
Fiona was surprised when Mrs. Wise didn’t tell her “not to be so silly” or “to stop feeling sorry for yourself” as other adults had told her on the odd occasion when she’d tried to explain how she felt. She felt comfortable talking to her - she seemed to understand how she was feeling – really understand.
‘It’s hard when you feel overshadowed isn’t it?’ she asked.
Fiona couldn’t quite trust herself to speak, so she just nodded.
‘You know Fiona, there’s a really important lesson that I’ve learned and I’d like to pass it on to you if I may.’
Fiona nodded again, still not trusting herself to speak.
‘I wish I learned it at your age because it would’ve saved a lot of heartache and many tears. The lesson is this - no one can make you feel anything unless you choose to let them. So your sisters aren’t making you feel inferior; you’re allowing their words to have a huge impact on how you feel about yourself. Do you understand what I mean?’
‘I think so,’ murmured Fiona.
Mrs. Wise continued. ‘I bet your sisters don’t think you’re inferior at all. Sure they may say that sometimes in the heat of the moment when you’re having an argument, but I’m positive they’d be horrified if they thought you really felt that way, and that you felt that way even when the relationship between you was fine. And I’d lay a bet that they’re envious of you in some way too.’
Fiona shook her head disbelievingly.
‘How could anyone be envious of me?’
‘There are lots of reasons – you’re clever, you have a wonderful vocabulary, and believe it or not, you’re pretty and you have a great figure.’
‘Yeah right – all straight up and down.’
‘Yes, you lucky thing. Just like Princess Diana’s. You’ll be too young to remember much about her, but have you ever seen photographs of her?’
‘Yeah, she was gorgeous.’
‘Yes, she was; and do you know what? She didn’t think she was either.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really!’
Mrs. Wise decided to continue.
Do you know what self-esteem is Fiona?’ she asked.
Without waiting for Fiona to answer, Mrs. Wise continued, ‘Self-esteem is all about liking ourselves. It’s about liking ourselves, exactly as we are today, warts and all. It’s about accepting ourselves for who we are, and what we are, and choosing to make the most of our strengths. It’s about valuing our worth as an individual.’
Mrs. Wise paused, and Fiona nodded.
‘Our self-esteem is identified by the way we behave, and the way we behave is influenced by our attitudes to what is happening and how we feel about ourselves – the messages we feed to ourselves. For example, when you said “how could anyone be envious of me?” you were displaying low self-esteem. You were telling yourself you weren’t worth envying and that couldn’t be further from the truth. One of the best ways of building your self-esteem and getting to know yourself in the process is to list your positive qualities – your strengths, talents, skills and successes.’
‘But isn’t that like skiting?’ asked Fiona. ‘And no-one likes a skite.’
‘You could see it like that I suppose, but self-esteem’s not about boasting about your skills, strengths or attributes, it’s recognising that you do have skills and being positive about your strengths. Some people may be envious of you; others may not, and that’s perfectly fine. With a healthy self-esteem you won’t focus on what other people think, good or bad – you’ll be happy with yourself as you are. That doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t improve, it means that today, right here and right now, you are an OK person. You know, sometimes when I look back to when I was a new teacher I cringe because many many years later, I’ve learned so much more that it makes those early teaching years seem dreadful, but they weren’t. Back then, I was still a good teacher, now, with lots of experience, I’m a better teacher and hopefully, I haven’t stopped learning and growing, despite my age. Do you know what I mean Fiona?’
‘I think so. So, self-esteem is about how I feel about myself.”
Mrs. Wise nodded.
‘And how I choose to react to situations will influence how I feel about myself.’
‘Exactly.’
‘And I can change how I think about me if I work on it?’
‘You sure can. With hard work you can maintain a healthy self-esteem for the rest of your life. And, believe me, it does take hard work because there will always be people who will want to take you down a peg or three – mostly people who feel bad about themselves and pick on other people to make themselves feel better. Only it doesn’t.’
‘So, how do you know if you’ve got a good self-esteem or a bad one?’
‘Think about the messages you give yourself. When things go wrong, perhaps when you make a mistake, how do you react? Do you start “beating yourself up” and thinking things go wrong because you’re “stupid” or because “you deserve it?” Or, do you accept that sometimes things go wrong, fix whatever it is, or at least try to, and get on with life?’
‘Sometimes both. Most probably usually the first one.’
Mrs. Wise nodded.
‘The reality is that you are not stupid, although sometimes your actions may be. People with healthy self-esteem are able to distinguish between the person and the behaviour. So instead of saying “I am stupid,” people with healthy self-esteem would say “What I did was stupid” – focusing on the behaviour not on themselves.’
In the distance the school bell sounded. Fiona stood up and shyly looked at Mrs. Wise, “thank you,” she murmured, turning and heading back in the direction of the school buildings.
As she walked, she thought about the things Mrs. Wise had been saying. It had made sense. Maybe she could change the way she thought about things. It was certainly worth trying to.
Mrs. Wise sat there a little longer. It wouldn’t do for the other kids to see them walking back together. Despite all the advances in the world, kids were still kids, and they could still be very cruel, she thought as she slowly walked back. She was pleased with what Fiona had grasped. She was an intelligent girl and she hoped that she would think about their conversation and perhaps make some changes.
Summary
Self-esteem is about liking yourself. It’s about liking yourself, exactly as you are today, warts and all. It’s about accepting yourself for who you are, and what you are, and choosing to make the most of your strengths. It’s about valuing your worth as an individual.
Self-esteem is about how you feel about yourself.
How you choose to react to situations will influence how you feel about yourself.
You can change how you think about yourself if you work on it.
My Personal Points of Learning:
My strengths are:
My Talents are:
My Skills are:
My Successes are:
Things I’m going to work on:
Chapter Three – Discovering a New Way of Thinking
A couple of days later, Mrs. Wise saw Fiona sitting on the far bench as usual and decided to wander over. Perhaps they could continue their conversation.
‘Hello, Fiona.’
‘Hi,’ she replied with more openness than before.
Mrs. Wise sat down. For a couple of minutes they ate their lunch in silence. Then Mrs. Wise, taking a deep breath, asked Fiona if she’d thought any more about their self-esteem conversation.
‘Yes, I have. I was just wondering where you get it from?’
‘Self-esteem comes from a number of different places. Do you think babies are born with a healthy self-esteem, or a low self-esteem?’
Fiona thought for a moment.
‘I don’t think babies can be born with either – they’re just born, aren’t they?’
Mrs. Wise nodded. ‘Then where do you learn self-esteem from?’ she asked.
‘From your family, maybe?’ answered Fiona.
‘Absolutely. And the first people you come into contact with are your parents. Sometimes, with the best of intentions, loving parents can create negative self-esteem in their children. They don’t mean to, but that’s what happens.’
‘How can that be?’
Mrs. Wise paused for a moment while she thought of an example. ‘Sometimes a parent might compare one child with another. Perhaps one child is a high achiever at school and the other an average student. To motivate the average student, let’s call her Annie, a parent might say something like “Annie, why can’t you work as hard as your sister?” Or “why aren’t you more like your sister?” Although their intention might be to motivate Annie into working harder, the result might be that Annie feels inferior to her sister; and possibly to other people as well. She might even give up trying altogether because she thinks that she’ll never be as good, so what’s the point?’
‘But even if they give you negative messages, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you, does it?’
‘No, Fiona, it doesn’t. In fact, sometimes they may give you negative messages because they do love you.’
Fiona looked puzzled.
‘I know it sounds confusing – imagine - it’s little Johnny’s sports day at school. He’s entered in the running race, but he’s not a great runner. His sport is swimming. Mum is on the sidelines cheering him on. He tries really hard, but he comes in last and he’s obviously very disappointed. Instead of saying, “Wow, you looked like you ran really hard – well done” she says, “Oh well, somebody had to come last – might as well have been you.” Theoretically, she’s right, somebody does have to come last, but the “might as well have been you” sets Johnny up to expect to come last. And that thought can grow into Johnny telling himself that he’ll only ever come last, and when he does, he’ll tell himself that he knew he would. This type of thinking is called “the self-fulfilling prophecy.” This is where you create the expectation of failure, which influences your reactions, which in turn can become what you perceive to be your reality - “I’ll always be last.” And although the comment was made in relation to a running race, Johnny might apply it to many other things as he grows up. He may always expect to fail. Yet his mum only wanted to stop him feeling disappointed in his running race. Can you think of how Johnny’s mum could’ve said it differently?’
‘Could she have said “you looked like you did your best running”? And then if he still looked disappointed, she could have said “remember you’re the best swimmer.”
‘Yes, she certainly could’ve said something like that, Fiona. That would acknowledge his effort and help him to focus on something else that he excels at. It creates a balance. Your peers and your friends also impact on your self-esteem,’ continued Mrs. Wise. ‘Kids can be incredibly cruel and it doesn’t necessarily stop when we become adults.’
‘I know,’ said Fiona. ‘I remember when I got glasses, kids used to call me “four eyed Fiona” and ask me where my white stick was. Sometimes, they deliberately tried to trip me up. They got sick of it eventually though.’
‘Bullies usually do and then they move on to their next victim. But the damage can be already done, and unchecked can last a long time. A bit like what you said about not fitting in. Once you believe that, it can become very difficult to change that pattern of thought, and it can affect your whole life if you let it.’
‘How do you go about changing it?’ asked Fiona.
‘You need to become your own best friend. You need to make the decision to take control, to choose to focus on positive things and eliminate negative thinking. That doesn’t mean that you only always see the good in people and situations, but it does mean that you choose to make the best of what life throws at you, even the curve balls. Sometimes that’s where our best learning comes from, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. You also need to think about the types of messages you are sending yourself – are they the types of messages that will enhance your self-esteem, or are they the types of messages that will erode it? – Like the “I’m stupid” messages we’ve spoken about. Just as our bodies need good nutrition, our minds need to be fed constructively too. If we continually feed our minds negative messages, it’s no wonder that we begin to feel depressed and inadequate. So, doesn’t it make sense to feed ourselves positive messages? Imagine that you have a CD in your head and when negative thoughts creep in, press the rewind button and replay the message with a positive slant. These positive thoughts are called affirmations. Affirmations are short sentences that begin with the word “I”. They are always worded in the present tense, as if they are already true.’
‘Can you give me an example please?’
‘OK. I have a speech to give, and I’m feeling very nervous. The affirmation I would use in this instance is “I present well. I am a confident speaker.” Not - “I will be a confident speaker when I give my speech,” because words like “will, want, could and should” imply that something has to happen before you become a confident speaker. “I will be a confident speaker” – when? “I am a confident speaker,” right here and right now. Over time, you will become what you think. It’s like setting a stage for a play. You are setting the stage for success. You are visualising your success. Have you ever sat down and seriously thought about how you would like to be if you could choose to become who you wanted to be?
Fiona nodded.
‘You know, you can become exactly who you want to be. The only person stopping you is you. Does that make sense, Fiona?’
‘Uh-huh. But, how?’
‘First you have to have a clear picture of who you want to be. What strengths does this person that you want to be have? What qualities do they have? How would it feel to be that person? Now use your imagination to see yourself as that person – this is called visualisation. Remember, you are not seeing yourself as “going to be that person” you are that person. Imagine that you are seeing that person on a big screen and imprint it into your mind. Then, visit the movie theatre in your head several times every day. See and feel what it is like to be that person. You must do it every day. Never miss. You are sending a new message into your subconscious mind - much like reprogramming a computer. Your subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between what is fact and what is fiction – it’s your conscious mind that determines what is right or wrong, so you can influence your subconscious mind and create the reality you want. Good times of the day to do this are when you first wake up in the morning and just before you go to sleep at night because at these times, your sub-conscious mind is most ready to receive new messages. I know it sounds weird, but it works. And once we start to think positively and use visualisation to support what we want, things begin to change and doors begin to open for us. Are you still with me?’
‘Mmmm, I think so. You could keep a diary too, couldn’t you?’
‘That’s a great idea Fiona. Keeping a diary is an excellent way to develop your self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is an important factor in the continual development of your self-esteem and your confidence. The more you know about yourself and your reactions to certain situations, the more likely you will be able to control them and more importantly, how you will react to them. Do you know what your “hot, buttons” are, the things that instantly get you mad? For me, that’s people who don’t do what they say they will. It really makes me mad!’
‘I get furious with my sisters when we argue about something and they turn it round to be my fault when really it’s theirs. And when they take my CDs without asking.’
‘When I was young, it used to be borrowing my clothes without asking.’
‘Sometimes, Courtney takes things just to annoy me.’
‘We could go on for ages finding things that drive us mad, and there always will be things no matter how old we get. What’s important is that we know what those things are and then we can manage them better. We won’t always be able to do that, but that’s OK too, because we won’t beat ourselves up when we get it wrong. We’ll simply accept and acknowledge that we got it wrong; change what we can, and move on – that’s what people with healthy self-esteem would do.’
‘It sounds easy,’ said Fiona ‘but it’s not, is it?’
‘No, Fiona, it is a challenge and it’s something that you have to work on for the rest of your life. It’s easy to take the “poor me” road and make everything that happens someone else’s fault, and although that’s not healthy, it is easier than taking responsibility for yourself and for your thoughts and actions.’
‘If you don’t take responsibility, you won’t get as much out of life, will you?’
‘No. You won’t. So, which road would you rather take – the low road with low self-esteem or the high road with healthy self-esteem?
‘I think I’ve been mostly taking the low road, but I’d really like to try the high road, even if it is challenging.’
‘Great stuff,’ said Mrs. Wise.
And again, the bell rang.
Summary
Create positive thoughts called affirmations. Affirmations are short sentences that begin with the word “I”. They are always worded in the present tense, as if they are already true.
Visualise the person you want to be. What strengths does this person that you want to be have? What qualities do they have? How would it feel to be that person? Now use your imagination to see yourself as that person. Remember you are not seeing yourself as “going to be that person” you are that person. Imagine that you are seeing that person on a big screen and imprint it into your mind. Then, visit the movie theatre in your head several times every day. See and feel what it is like to be that person.
My Personal Points of Learning:
Self-Esteem Diary
Situation:
Things I did well (even if the outcome wasn’t the greatest)
Affirmations: I am an OK person because…….
- Affirmations begin with the word “I”. They are short. They are positively worded. They are in the present tense as if they are true now. [avoid will, want, could, and should]
Things I would like to change or do differently…………
Things I’m going to work on:
Chapter Four – What Makes Me React the Way I Do?
(My “Hot Buttons” and My “Feel Good Buttons.”)
Mrs. Wise decided to give Fiona a break for a few days, so she didn’t seek her out. She could see her sitting on the far bench most days, quietly eating her lunch Mrs. Wise hoped she’d be thinking about their conversations. It’d be a tragedy if Fiona never ventured away from the bench to make friends, or never discovered her potential.
One day, about a week later, Mrs. Wise noticed that Fiona wasn’t sitting on their usual bench. She knew she was at school because she’d seen her earlier in the day. Perhaps it was a hopeful sign. Maybe Fiona was striking out. As she felt like a bit of peace and quiet, Mrs. Wise headed over to the seat under the trees. It was her day for patrol and she could still see what was going on in the grounds. She closed her eyes for a moment and soaked up the sun. It felt good. In her dreamy state, she mulled over what she and Fiona had been talking about. It was true; she did wish someone had taken her under their wing when she was Fiona’s age. It might have eased her teenage years and her early twenties if she was honest. Verity Wise hadn’t come into her own until she was in her thirties. Until then life had taught her many hard lessons, lessons she was determined to help Fiona to avoid.
She jumped when she heard Fiona’s voice.
‘Sorry, Mrs. Wise, I didn’t mean to give you a fright.’
‘That’s all right, Fiona. I was miles away enjoying the sunshine. Sit down.
‘Thanks.’
‘So, how are things?’
‘Pretty good really.’
‘That’s great.’ A heavy pause hung in the air. Mrs. Wise was dying to ask what was “pretty good” but she didn’t want Fiona to think she was prying.
‘Yeah, I’ve been thinking about what you said about the Self-Esteem Diary and how what I’m feeling will influence what happens, so I’ve started one. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, so would you have a look at it for me, please?’
‘Of course.’
Fiona handed over a brightly coloured notebook.
‘What a fabulous notebook. It must make you feel good just picking it up,’ said Mrs. Wise.
‘It does. That’s why I chose it.’
Mrs. Wise turned to the first page and read what Fiona had written.
Situation One: Courtney took my favourite Evermore CD again! She only takes it because she knows it’s my favourite.
What I did: I told her I didn’t mind her borrowing it anymore as long as she returned it.
What I did well: I didn’t yell. I was very calm.
Affirmation: I am a calm person. I handle annoying little sisters well. I am a kind big sister.
What was different? We didn’t fight.
Outcome: Courtney doesn’t want my CD after all – AWESOME RESULT!
Situation Two: Kylie pushed my books off my desk on purpose.
What I did well: I calmly picked them up and told her not to worry about it – I knew she didn’t mean to. But really, I knew she did.
Affirmation: I am a confident person. I am able to stand up for myself. I am as good as Kylie. I feel good.
What was different: I didn’t feel like a victim!
Outcome: Kylie glared at me and flounced off. I think she was surprised that I said something. I felt good.
Fiona had underlined “I felt good.”
Mrs. Wise looked up.
‘This is wonderful, Fiona. This is exactly what I meant. How do you feel when you’ve written in your diary?’
‘I feel powerful. I feel as if I’m doing something positive. And it stops me continually thinking about what happened. It’s like because I’ve written it in my diary, I’ve dealt with it, and I can forget about it more easily.’
‘Well done, Fiona.’
‘Thank you, Mrs. Wise. It’s all down to you.’
‘That’s a lovely compliment Fiona, but you know what? It’s all down to YOU. I just opened the door to a new way of thinking; you chose to walk through it. That takes real courage. It’s much easier to do nothing.’
‘Thank you for opening the door.’
‘You’re so welcome!’
‘I’ve been thinking about what my “hot buttons” are too.’
‘Well done. If we know what they are then we are more likely to be able to control them. It’s also important to think about your “feel good buttons” - the things that make you feel good. The things you want to attract more of into your life. You could make a list of your “hot buttons” and your “feel good buttons” in the back of your notebook.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ said Fiona.
Summary
If you know what pushes your “Hot Buttons” and makes you angry, you will be more able to control your reactions. If you also know what pushes your “Feel Good Buttons,” you’ll be able to attract more of those situations into your life with visualization.
My Personal Points of Learning
My Buttons
Things that push my “Hot Buttons” (make me angry) are:
Things that make me sad are:
Things that frustrate me are:
Things that push my “Feel Good Buttons” (things that make me feel good) are:
Things that I’d like more of in my life:
Things I’m going to do:
Chapter Five – Creating My BAG to Boost My Self-Esteem