Grownup
Love
Getting It and Keeping It
Gloria Arenson, MFT, DCEP
Published by BrockArt Books at Smashwords
Copyright 2012 Gloria Arenson
Smashwords
License Statement
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Disclaimer
The information and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for appropriate medical or mental health treatment. Please consult your mental health practitioner when you are dealing with serious problems.
The stories in this book are composites created from hundreds of cases I have treated over the last thirty years. All names and stories have been changed to protect confidentiality
ISBN
Key Words: marriage and relationships, marriage, self sabotage, binge, emotional self growth, energy psychology, self discovery, binge eating, personal problems, counseling, compulsion, new therapy, addiction, eft, emotional freedom techniques, compulsive spending, shopaholic, self esteem, psychotherapy
CONTENTS
Chapter 1: I Had To Write This Book
PART 1—What is Love?
Chapter 2: How Did You Learn About Love?
Chapter 4: What Does Love Look Like?
Part 2—My Relationship History
Chapter 5: Do You Love With Strings?
Chapter 6: Stop Me Before I Love Again
Chapter 7: Learning From Your Relationship Mistakes
Chapter 8: How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?
Chapter 9: The Silent Treatment
Chapter 10: How Could You Hurt Me Like This?
Chapter 11: Quarreling: A Problem or An Opportunity?
Part 3—Get Ready to Have It All
Chapter 12: Don't Settle For Less Than the Best
Chapter 13: How to Choose the Perfect Mate
Chapter 14: Ask the Magic Question Before You Say I Do
Chapter 15: Learn The Languages of Love
Chapter 16: Improving Loving Communication With the Phoenix Effect Process
Part 4—Look Before You Leap
Chapter 17: How To Recognize Emotional Problems
Chapter 18: Six Tips For Understanding the Compulsive Person In Your Life
Chapter 19: If You Love a Compulsive Overeater
Chapter 20: Questions and Answers About Compulsive Spending and Debting
Chapter 21: How to Live With a Compulsive Spender
Chapter 22: Understand the Procrastinator In Your Life
Part 5—Other Kinds of Relationships
Chapter 23: How to Get a Divorce From Your Parents
Chapter 24: How to Parent Your Adult Child
Chapter 25: I Want to Help But They Just Won't Listen
Chapter 26: How to Deal with Impossible People
Appendix 2: How to use the Phoenix Effect Process
Introduction
Chapter 1: I Had To Write This Book
I had to write this book for a number of reasons. The first reason is because I am a veteran Licensed Marriage Family Therapist with over thirty years of experience. I have successfully counseled numerous couples whose marriage was in trouble as well as clients who were trying to figure out why they had no love relationships or were in an unhappy relationship and couldn’t or wouldn’t let it go. Still others were distressed by the realization that they kept choosing the same kind of unsuitable partner over and over again.
The second reason I am writing this book is that not only have I coached people about finding the right relationship, I have also lived most of the same experiences as my clients and know what it feels like from the inside out. I have been widowed, divorced, been attracted to the same type of dysfunctional partners more than once, and have also been in a harmonious marriage for over thirty years. Therefore, I know what it is like to be miserable in love and what it takes to find true and lasting love.
A long time ago I attended a talk given by a relationship specialist who said something that I have never forgotten. He said that the goal for people who want a successful relationship is to achieve Grownup Love. He said: The “having it all” relationship is a relationship between two grownups who have done their own work, and in whom the head, the heart and the genitals are lined up.
What does that mean? What kind of work do you have to do in order to attract your perfect love and live happily ever after? The work I propose will take you on a journey of self-exploration and self-transformation. I will direct you in taking an inventory of your life, exploring what lessons you can learn from all your romantic relationships both positive and negative, your beliefs about love and about yourself as a lovable person, and awareness of common patterns that you repeat although they may be painful.
Knowing your past and understanding what you did and how you felt is not enough to guarantee your future success in love. How you react to a partner and what you believe about the world and yourself originates in a part of the brain called the limbic system. The limbic system has no words, only emotions. Past events, both happy and unhappy are stored in the limbic system and get triggered by present day happenings. The past may suddenly take over and you don’t even know it. Decisions you made long ago about being lovable, attractive, and intelligent, as well as decisions you made about relationships will trigger an instant reaction that may be untrue or harmful to you but you don’t realize it. All of this leads to the “over-and-overs” in your love life and the feeling of despair that anything can change.
Today we know that the brain is changeable and that these old patterns in the brain can be altered. I will teach you a self-help technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) that can affect the chemistry of the brain and bring about amazing transformation. You can use EFT to heal the past and eliminate negative beliefs that block you from attracting the right mate for you. If you are already in a relationship you will be able to change your reactions to your partner as you see yourself in a new and more positive way. EFT works rapidly and is simple to learn.
Even when you find lasting love, you will discover that the best relationship has its ups and downs. Therefore, you will also learn how to use The Phoenix Effect Process (PEP), another simple imagery method, to clear out the wreckage of your life and eliminate past issues and beliefs that trigger you to keep reacting negatively to partners or lovers. Happy couples can use PEP to keep the road smooth whenever they hit a bump in an existing compatible relationship.
As you read on I will ask you what you think love is, where you learned about love, and who were your models of romantic figures. I will explain why you were attracted to the partners you have chosen, and why you remain in misery. I will offer suggestions for exploring your life and give you tools for eliminating negative patterns. I will share a number of examples based on people I have counseled and from my own path that you may identify with in hopes that these stories will give you courage to achieve your love goals and enjoy the “having it all” love relationship.
PART 1
What is Love?
Chapter 2: How Did You Learn About Love?
I once had a client who grew up during the 1940’s and 50’s when movies were much less explicit than they are today. She explained that when she fell in love with her husband, she thought that they would drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after as lovers did in those black and white films. Instead she found herself in an abusive relationship where sex was rape. She endured the marriage for quite a few years until she could stand it no longer and finally got a divorce.
Today sex is depicted and discussed openly and explicitly in movies and on TV, but what are young people learning from what they see? What are they learning about love? Are men still treating women as objects? Are women allowing themselves to be treated that way? Are only the most handsome men or beautiful women considered worthy of finding love, success and wealth?
How did you learn about love? Who we are and how we see the world results from the decisions we make and the experiences we have as we go through life. Where you were born, the culture you grew up in, the people who reared you, the rules you were taught to obey and the historic era you have lived in have brought you to this moment.
You are reading this book because you have not found the “having it all” love you want or you would like to make your present relationship better. Therefore, I am asking you to take stock of who you are in this moment. Is your relationship history helping you or hurting you? Here are some questions to ask yourself about your own life. Exploring them may help you understand how you sabotage your love life and point you toward a happier future.
Love in my family
Did I grow up in a family with both parents present? If not, did I have just one adult parenting me? Were there a series of adults, other relatives or stepparents? Describe.
Did my parents or adult mates of my parents act loving toward each other? Describe.
Did they show affection? Describe.
Were they sexual in my presence? Describe.
Did any of the adults in my family show me love? What did they do? How did it feel? What did I tell myself about that?
What did I hear these adults say about love?
What adult was I close to that was not in my home? (Teacher, clergy, friend’s parent, Aunt, Uncle, neighbor, coach) What did that person tell me or teach me about love?
What did they tell me love was?
What did I decide about love?
Write your decisions and ask yourself if they have been helping you or hurting you.
Love in my school years
When I was in elementary school what did my friends say about love?
When I was in Jr. High and High School what did my friends say about love?
During my teens what did boys say about love and what did girls say about love?
Did I have boyfriends or girlfriends? Did I think I was in love with them? What did I expect from the relationship? What happened?
What did I decide about love?
Write your decisions and ask yourself if they have been helping you or hurting you.
Love messages from my culture
Did I receive any specific messages about how men and women are expected to act in love relationships from my cultural heritage?
Did I receive any specific messages about how men and women are expected to act in love relationships from my religious upbringing?
Did I receive any specific messages about how men and women are expected to act in love relationships from the songs of my generation?
Did I receive any specific messages about how men and women are expected to act in love relationships from the movies and TV I watched?
What celebrities did I admire the most when I was growing up? How did they behave? Did I adopt their standards? Did I try to act like them?
Did I receive any specific messages about how men and women are expected to act in love relationships from the books I read while I was growing up? What characters had the most impact on me? Did they have happy love relationships or tragic ones? (Romeo and Juliet, Jane Eyre, Cinderella)
What did I decide about love? Write your decisions and ask yourself if they have been helping you or hurting you.
My love history
Make a list of the important love relationships you have had in your life from High School on. Answer these questions for each one to the best of your ability.
What attracted me to this person?
What did I expect to happen?
What actually happened?
How did I feel when it ended? (Mad, Glad, Sad, Scared, Abandoned, Embarrassed, Injured)
What did I tell myself when it was over?
What did I decide about love?
Write your decisions and ask yourself if they have been helping you or hurting you.
My learnings
Look over the lists you made and see if you notice any patterns that keep repeating themselves.
* Do you have a history of attracting people who: were unfaithful to you, criticized you, abused you, lied to you, were addicts, criminals or mentally unstable?
* Do you have a history of settling for someone less than the best because you don’t think you deserve someone more intelligent, successful, attractive, loving?
* Do you have a history of having brief relationships and going from one to another?
* Do you keep picking partners who need physical, emotional or financial help or rehabilitation and you tell yourself that you can help them?
* Do you have a history of not being able to be in a committed relationship?
* Do you find yourself in relationships that seem to mirror your parents’ relationship? Was theirs a healthy relationship or a troubled one?
TAKE ACTION
Make one list of all the negative decisions you have made on a sheet of paper and choose one at a time to tap about using EFT. Go to Appendix 1 to learn how to use EFT. Tap until you have revised the decision or come to a new understanding about yourself that is positive. Write that new statement on another paper titled Affirmations
Tap on your Karate Chop spot as you say:
Even though I am living my life according to my decision that _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (say or think of one decision) and it is hurting me and keeping me from having the love I want, I am using EFT to transform that now.
Make one list of all the negative patterns that you have discovered on another sheet of paper and choose one at a time to tap about using EFT. Tap until you come to a new understanding or decision about yourself that is positive. Add those to the Affirmation page.
Even though I have discovered that I have created a negative pattern of _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (describe what it is) and it is hurting me and keeping me from having the love I want, I am using EFT to transform that now.
If other thoughts or memories come to mind, switch your attention to those and continue to tap. Keep this up until you have a solution or until your negative emotions disappear. If you are not feeling positive or neutral it means you haven’t tapped long enough.
Read the list of affirmations that you have collected every day out loud. Then choose one and say or write it ten times.
You might know someone whose hobby is genealogy. Many people spend time and energy tracing their family back in time. This information may give them an overview of who their ancestors were, what they did and what they achieved. If you had an illustrious relative perhaps you imagine that you might have inherited some of his or her outstanding qualities such as bravery, artistic ability or intelligence.
But what if your ancestor was a black sheep? Learning about family histories and hearing stories about ancestors' behaviors and achievements may have impacted your love life. Exploring your past will help you understand your track record when it comes to success in love.
As you were growing up you might have heard about your relatives or even experienced what was going on in your own extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. As a result you made many decisions about what a family was like, how married people treated each other, how siblings treated each other, how men and women treated each other; how husbands and wives acted toward each other during good times and bad. The impact of these decisions may be reflected in your own relationship history.
Here is how to make your own Relationship Family Tree. Take two large sheets of paper, one to represent your maternal family and the other your paternal family. Put the names of the oldest generation that you know about on the very top. For most people it will be your grandparents, however you may find that you have lots of information about your great grandparents or even farther back.
Underneath the names of your earliest ancestors indicate their children by name and the name of that person' s spouse next to them. If any of these people had more than one husband or wife due to death or divorce be sure to show all of them. Under that couple write the names of their children and their husbands or wives. Then show their offspring and spouses and so on. Keep the tree going until you come to your generation. Be sure to put yourself on the chart with your siblings.
After you have completed your charts for both sides of your family you can discover what impact these people have had on your relationships. Here are some questions to guide you in your exploration. Start at the top of the Tree and go down as you ask these questions about each person.
* What kind of personality did this person have?
* List positive and negative traits, achievements or other background information about each one.
* Who did he or she marry? Was there a story about this?
* Did he or she have more than one mate?
* How long did they remain together?
* What stories have you heard about their relationship?
* Were you named after one of these relations? If so, what decision did you make about carrying the same name?
* Were you told that you look like a family member or act like that person? How does this affect you?
As you focus on your family history does it shed light on your own history? Ted was named after an uncle who died at the age of 35. Ted had trouble staying in a relationship and went from woman to woman. He couldn’t seem to commit to anyone. He eventually realized that his uncle's tragic death when Ted was a small boy led Ted to believe that he too would have his life cut short so he shouldn't settle down but should have fun while he could.
When Linda studied her Family Tree she realized that one of the important rules that came down to her was to marry for money. Like her mother and her aunts, she expected to marry a man who would take care of her and give her a life of wealth and ease. When she met Bruce she found him attractive and was excited that he was finishing law school with the idea of opening his own legal practice. Unfortunately, even though he was very bright, Bruce was also an alcoholic. By the time I met Linda five years later, her marriage to Bruce was extremely unhappy. They fought constantly because she wanted Bruce to be a successful lawyer who earned lots of money and he wasn’t.
On the other hand, Candice found herself attracted to men who were quirky and artistic but not dependable wage earners. In her Family Tree she discovered that her grandfather was not very successful so her grandmother worked to make sure the bills were paid. She also encouraged Candice's father to pursue a career in art. He too was lackadaisical about being the main breadwinner. Candice was living out the same kind of script where she too would most likely end up supporting an artistic partner.
Angela had been married to three drug addicts and was engaged to a fourth when she finally asked herself why she was playing out this story. There was a history of addiction in her family so she felt comfortable with people who got drunk or high, were undependable and sometimes violent. She realized that she was also living out a family pattern.
Phyllis was puzzled about her family chart. Her father had three sisters all of whom had been in traditional and stable marriages yet Phyllis had been attracted to unstable men who needed rescuing. Phyllis saw herself as a "strong" woman and realized that she had always tended to be a helper from the time she was a small child. When she looked at her history she saw that although her own parents were very happily married in a stable relationship, her maternal aunts all married men who were "weak." Her maternal grandmother had been a very strong woman who had her own business in Europe in the late 1800s and this story had always impressed Phyllis. The family pattern that she unwittingly adopted was that men were weak and women were strong and had to keep the family going.
Be sure to take time to study your Family Tree. Go back to it from time to time. If you are in a love relationship or married, ask your partner to make one too. Then go through them together and talk about your ancestors, their strengths and weaknesses, who had the most impact on you and what decisions you made that turned out to be harmful or beneficial.
Make sure that you also look for family members who had mature and loving relationships where the husband and wife had relatively equal status and respected and enjoyed each other’s company. Remember them as role models for you to emulate.
Once you see the picture of your history you can begin to re-write your own script now. One way to let go of negative beliefs and decisions that are still affecting you is to use EFT. Tap on some of these statements.
TAKE ACTION
Tap on your Karate Chop Spot as you say the following. Then tap as many rounds of EFT as necessary until you feel a release from the negative pattern, thought or emotion.
* Even though when I was _____ years old I decided that I was supposed to live my life the way that ________(name of relative) did and have great misery and loneliness, I am releasing that now.
* Even though my relationships keep me unhappy and unfulfilled just like those of ________ (name or names of relatives), so I keep attracting people who treat me __________ (describe), I am freeing myself now to find true love and happiness.
* Even though my Family Tree shows me that I come from a long line of people who have _______ relationships where people live lives of quiet desperation, I am letting go of my history.
Make up any other statements that fit your life and experience and tap your way into a new and exciting future.
If new thoughts, feelings or memories arise, tap about those. Keep tapping until you feel at peace. If you are still feeling strong negative emotions it means that you haven’t tapped long enough.
Chapter 4: What Does Love Look Like?
Recently when talking with a divorced client I'll call Marie while she was exploring stress about her relationship problems, I suggested that she use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Thoughts and feelings about family members came up as she tapped, and tearfully she said, "I want love." She told me that she didn't feel loved by her mother. In the next breath Marie explained that she and her mom spoke on the phone every day. Although she couldn’t' remember her mother hugging and kissing her as a child, she knew that her mom loved her, but it wasn't enough. She explained, "We talk about the weather, what we are making for dinner and the grandchildren. But that's not the kind of love I mean,"
I asked Marie what kind of family her mom came from. It was a large family where not much affection was displayed physically or through words. Since her mom wasn't used to a display of warmth it was difficult for her to act touchy feely. Marie craved that and later gave her own daughter the kind of warm contact that she missed, however she still felt a void and yearned for her fantasy of what love feels like.
I explained to Marie that different people show love in different ways because, like her mother, not everyone learned how to demonstrate love the way Marie expected it should be. Some people show love by giving gifts. Others write notes or send cards and others do helpful deeds. Not everyone is comfortable with physical touch. Marie's mother keeps in constant touch with her and shares everyday events. That is her way of being loving.
Working with Marie reminded me of a wound I have carried all my life. My mother never said, "I love you" to me. I remember sitting at her hospital bed just before she died, hoping that in her last moments she would remember to tell me. She never did, and I have always grieved about that. My mother never hugged or kissed me except when saying goodbye before a trip.
As I explained to Marie how her mom's way of relating to her through phone calls was her attempt to say, "I love you," I realized that my mother also said "I love you" through behaviors that I discounted, since I too wanted love to come in a different form. My mother's main expression of love was through food. She was famous for making different tasty meals for each person at the table and was a wonderful baker. Her attempt at soothing was to say, "Don't cry honey, have a cookie." Unfortunately cookies became a mother surrogate for me when I needed love.
Like Marie, I had my own definition of what love should look like. Our mother's didn't fit the picture so we decided that they didn't love us. Perhaps they really did but they never had the kind of love they wanted either so they never learned how to show it to others.
If you also want love that has to be "your way" and are not getting it from your significant other, think about this person you resent. What kind of background influenced them? If they don't show you the kind of warmth you yearn for can you think of any acts of generosity or caring from this person that could be interpreted as an act of love, such as Marie's mother's phone calls?
Take a moment and picture the person you are thinking of. Imagine that both of you are surrounded by light. In your imagination tell this person that you appreciate the ways that he or she act out of caring even though you never saw it as a way to express love before. And tell him or her how you have been showing your love even if it has not been received the way you would wish. See if you can forgive this person for not giving you what you wanted. Think about ways that you can give your own inner needy self love on a daily basis. Remind yourself that you each are doing the best you can.
Take Action
If you are still feeling upset use the Phoenix Effect Process to eliminate your negativity and replace it with caring and understanding. Make a list the people you think did not show you the love you wanted.
* For each name on your list ask yourself this question: When I think about this person how does it make me feel? Write the names of the feelings that come to mind such as: angry, unloved, cheated, abandoned, criticized, etc. Refer to the list of Negative Emotions in Appendix 3.
* Use the Phoenix Effect Process included at the end of this book in Appendix 2 to release each negative emotion for each person.
PART 2
My Relationship History
Chapter 5: Do You Love With Strings Attached?
Cheryl came to see me for counseling and complained about her awful marriage, how unhappy she was with her husband, and that she was contemplating getting a divorce. Ben, a smooth talker with amazing charm, had captivated Cheryl. Because she had always dreamed of marrying a doctor or lawyer, or someone else who could earn much more than she did and provide her with a wealthy life style, she saw all the potential that Ben had and secretly hoped to mold him into a successful businessman. Cheryl had lied to herself and Ben when she said she loved him. She really loved her fantasy of Ben as the business owner and wealthy spouse.
As we talked she revealed the heart of the problem. Cheryl was furious because when she married Ben he expected to take over his father's very successful business, but a year later the business failed! Even so, she was sure that he would turn into a top earner with her love and support. For all his winning ways Ben just couldn’t hold onto a job and went from one opportunity to another, always sabotaging his chances to do well. By the time I saw her, six years had past, they had two children and were deeply in debt. She was at her wits' end.
Recently, Jasmine, a teacher with a steady job, was dating Kent, and after a few months she began to think that perhaps the relationship might turn into something permanent. However, Kent's job offered him an opportunity to leave the country for a year to do some interesting and important work. The couple decided to break off temporarily.
Twenty-something Kent wasn't ready to settle down and was still playing the field romantically. Jasmine knew that he might continue dating while he was gone since they had no commitment, yet although she had some occasional dates, she didn't want to get involved with anyone because she secretly wished that Kent would return to her and want to marry her.
When Kent returned he was engaged to someone else and Jasmine felt as if her heart was broken. She couldn’t eat and had trouble sleeping. Her family began to worry about her health. Although she and Kent both had decided to cool the relationship, Jasmine nurtured her secret romantic hope. Her reaction was based on a fantasy that had never been shared. It was just wishful thinking carried too far.
What went wrong in each of these relationships was that although there was a genuine attraction between these lovers, one partner entered the relationship with secret strings attached that the other was totally unaware of.
Most of us have had relationships where either our partner or we has not been 100% honest about our expectations. Starting in childhood, with fairy tales where the prince rescues the princess and they live happily ever after, and followed by chick flix and romance novels, we are brainwashed to believe that all will be OK in the end. We sweep our doubts or fears under the rug and pretend that once we have the ring on our finger, we'll live happily ever after. We will ride off into the sunset as the credits roll.
That is what happened to newly-wed Quentina. Sanjay romanced her, wooed her and won her. It was a whirlwind courtship. Soon after they moved into their first apartment Quentina came home after a grueling day at work to find Sanjay home before her sprawled on the sofa watching TV. As she walked in, hoping to be swept off her feet by her lover, he said, "Woman, what's for supper?" She burst into tears and replied, "How can you talk to me like that?" to which he replied, "Hey, we're married now!"
If you want to avoid the unpleasant consequences of committing yourself to an unsuccessful relationship with strings, be honest with yourself about what you are hiding. Total self-honesty will lead you to true and lasting love. Ask yourself if you can accept this person, warts and all. If necessary go to a counselor for assistance in coming to terms with your dilemma. Your situation won’t change until you explore your reactions and expectations concerning your partner.
TAKE ACTION
Are you feeling anxious, guilty or angry because you recognize that you are exerting pressure on your mate or lover without their acceptance? Are you feeling pressured by your significant other to change something about yourself that is causing you to feel upset or angry toward him or her? Take a few minutes right now to use EFT and explore the situation.
Tap your Karate Chop spot on the edge of your hand and say or think:
* Even though I want you to _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (finish your education, make more money, stop smoking, lose weight, etc) and I am afraid to tell you, I am feeling _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (ashamed, angry, guilty, afraid), because I am telling myself _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ( we won’t have enough money for a lovely lifestyle, I will feel ashamed of being with you in public, you will become ill and I will have to take care of you, you will leave me, etc) I am exploring this dilemma now.
* Even though I feel powerless to change you, and I won’t be happy unless you change the way I want, I am tapping on my feeling of _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (anger/frustration/desperation.)
* Even though I feel _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (annoyed, angry, unloved, etc) when you exert pressure on me to _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (get a better job, finish my education, lose weight, pay my bills on time, etc) and I am telling myself that you love me conditionally, I am using EFT to deal with my negative emotions.
* Even though I feel _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (annoyed, angry, unloved, etc) and tell myself that you want me to be a human doing rather than a human being, I am tapping about this now.
* Tap the remaining acupressure points as you feel the negative feeling or us a few words to focus on your worry or anger such as: not good enough for you, conditional love, not good enough for me, etc.
Notice any changes. If you have other negative thoughts or memories switch your attention to those and continue to tap. Keep this up until you have a solution or until your negative emotion disappears. If you are not feeling neutral it means you haven’t tapped long enough.
Chapter 6: Stop Me Before I Love Again
Do you fall in love with the same person over and over again? The name may change, but when the honeymoon ends you find yourself in the same old rut with the same problems you had before. Even if you have a PhD and tell yourself that you know better, there you go again. You can learn from your past if you are willing to look below the surface.
After spending time in therapy as well as a twelve-step group for codependents, Christa divorced her deadbeat addicted husband Jon, who had also been unfaithful to her, only to take up with Andre, another man who was an unemployed compulsive overeater. She maintained that Andre was not at all like her ex, although all her friends tried to make her see how similar the two were. She and Andre set up housekeeping together, and after a while she discovered that he wasn't looking for work very hard and he was also being unfaithful.
Christa was doing it again. She tended to fall for men who needed healing. She enjoyed feeling wanted and needed and thought of herself as a helper, someone who fixed birds with broken wings so they could fly again. The trouble was that the birds she chose rarely flew. They mainly continued to limp through life.
When Christa broke up with Andre she decided to break this pattern of unhappy love affairs. During a counseling session I asked her to perform an experiment. I suggested that she continue to socialize and go to places where she might meet eligible single men. The next time she was at a gathering she was to notice which man she would feel comfortable initiating a conversation with and she also had to look for the man she was most intimidated by, someone she would hesitate to approach.
The next step was for Christa to engage each man in a conversation and see what she discovered. She had no trouble communicating with the man she felt attracted to. The talk flowed easily, and after a while the potential date told Christa how impressed he was with her and how much he could learn from her. He was interested in taking her out.
At first Christa felt flattered, but then she realized that he was another bird with a broken wing, and she had risen to the bait and turned on her helper personality full force. However, even with this awareness that she was "doing it again," she gave him her phone number.
The second candidate was a good-looking man who gave off an aura of confidence. Christa was nervous as she approached him and felt awkward talking to him. He wasn't very interested in her and quickly found a reason to move away to talk to someone else. She felt embarrassed and rejected.
When we discussed the outcome of her experiment, Christa realized that the reason she was uncomfortable speaking with the second man was because he appeared very confident. He didn't need fixing, and he wasn't attracted to someone like her who liked to fix people. Although Christa had accepted a date from the first man, she knew that if she went out with him she would just be repeating the situation as with Jon and Andre. She would take care of men, but they wouldn't take care of her needs, except her need to be needed.
She broke the date and vowed that whenever she met a man like Jon or Andre she would run the other way. From then on, Christa was able to recognize the men who were like Jon that came her way in less than ten minutes. Although at first she felt at ease with them, she rapidly recognized their neediness, walked away and congratulated herself on now being immune to the charms of those kind of men.
With additional counseling she was also able to change her perception of herself from being someone who attracted only needy losers to a confident and capable woman who attracted men who were also capable and confident. If you are ready to break your pattern of unhappy over and over relationships, perform the same experiment and see what you find out about yourself.
TAKE ACTION
Try the same experiment the next time you are at a social gathering and see what you discover.
Use EFT to explore your negative love pattern. Instructions are in Appendix 1.
Make a list of your self–sabotaging beliefs that keep you from attracting a healthy love relationship such as: I am not lovable, I am ugly, I am stupid, why would a successful or good looking person want someone like me?
* Tap on each negative belief that you want to eliminate:
* Even though I don’t believe that I deserve love, I am tapping on that now.
* Even though I keep love away because I tell myself that I _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (fill in one of your self-sabotaging beliefs) I am ready to let that go.
* Tap your Karate Chop spot on the edge of your hand and say or think:
* Even though I keep attracting lovers that_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (let me down, need rescuing, are unfaithful, are chronic alcoholics, abuse me physically or mentally, put your pattern here), I am ready to let go of having this happen over and over again.
Notice if anything changes. If you have other
negative thoughts or memories switch your attention to those and
continue to tap. Keep this up until you have a solution or until your
negative emotion or thought disappears. If not, it means that you
haven’t tapped long enough.
Chapter 7: Learning From Your Relationship Mistakes
Most of us have heard the old saying, "Those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it." This is especially true when it comes to love. When you have a relationship that ends unhappily, you may decide to forget it and move on. What you don't realize is that no relationship is a waste. If, instead of running away from your feelings of guilt, shame or anger over the event, you learn from it, you will be able to save yourself a great deal of misery.
Each relationship is an experiment. Some start out great and then end in heartbreak or anger. Don't blame yourself. Everything you experienced happened, but it is over and you are OK right now. It's not too late to look back on your past and use what you learn to transform the future. Start by taking some time to think back over your life to all the major love relationships you have had, starting in your teens.
Make a list of the important ones and take notes as you answer the questions. Here are some guidelines to help you get the most out of this trip down memory lane. Start with the physical attributes of the person you were crazy about: tall, short, dark, fair, skinny, fat, just right, handsome, beautiful, sexy or geeky.
List the characteristics of his or her personality that were both positive and negative. You may have dated people who were shy, outgoing, funny, depressed, curious, angry, creative, introverted, unreliable, or controlling. Perhaps there was someone who was a liar, unfaithful or violent.
What do you remember that was positive? Review your happy memories. Did you share interests or hobbies? Was the relationship happy at the start and then deteriorated? Jot down at least 3 happy moments.
Overall, what word best describes that relationship: loving, affectionate, angry, insecure, depressed, exciting, unpredictable, lonely? People whose partners spend a great deal of time busy with hobbies, sports, seeing friends, or working, feel alone a lot of the time. Did you get your emotional and sexual needs met in this relationship?
What didn't work out? Usually our love relationships are fueled by the physical attraction we feel. At first you might have been so in love that you overlooked warning signs that rough sailing lay ahead. If your sex life was hot, you might have overlooked the red warning flags. Penny thought that Jason was exciting and charming. They had both just graduated from college and he boasted that he was going to be a success in business and make lots of money. When he quit his job she believed that he was right to do it since he described his boss as a tyrant who treated him badly and cheated him out of his sales commission.
After they were married she continued to believe him as he went from job to job either quitting or getting fired. The day their first child was born, Jason lost his job again! Finally Penny realized what a big mistake she had made. She had to face the evidence that Jason was unreliable, however she chose to stay with him because of the infant and her need to have someone help pay the bills. The marriage went downhill from that moment and both of them lived a life of quiet desperation for five more years.
As you write about each of your relationships, try to remember what went wrong and when you realized how bad it was. Often people tell us about themselves the first time we meet and we gloss over information that is vital. Jean decided early in life that she did not want to have children. She did not hide the fact, but when Chris met her, he was so taken with her good looks and intelligence that he paid no attention to what she said about having kids. Fortunately, after they were engaged and discussing their future, she reminded him of her decision and, after agonizing over this matter, he decided that he couldn't spend his life with her.
There are many men and women in relationships with addicts: alcoholics, drug abusers, overeaters, gamblers, porn addicts, and compulsive spenders. They spend time and energy trying to help or cure the loved one, usually to no avail. If you recognize yourself, as a co-dependent, run to the nearest self help group and take a look at yourself. I have counseled a great many people who have been in love with or married more than one addict. When Penny looked at her history she realized that she was always drawn to someone who needed her. What appeared at first to be a compliment to her compassion turned into a series of painful relationships with losers.
TAKE ACTION
* Review each of the relationships on your list and answer these questions: Why did it end? Who ended it?
* Do you have trouble letting go or are you the one who keeps doing the dumping? Look over your notes and see if there is a pattern. Write it down.
* Write your answer to this question: What have I learned?
Make a list of what you can do to change the pattern or behave differently in the future.
Chapter 8: How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?
How many times has your heart been broken? Whether or not you like romance novels or country and western songs about lost or unrequited love, most of us have at least one sad memory about a love that didn’t work out.
When I first met Richard he hadn’t been able to go to work for a month and was so depressed he couldn’t leave the house. He related that he and Beth had been dating for quite a while, and though they had some ups and downs, he was in love with her. One spring day he decided to surprise her with a proposal. He bought a beautiful bouquet and went to her house to ask her to spend her life with him.
Richard rang the bell with happy expectations. When Beth saw him with the flowers and the smile on his face she told him that she never wanted to see him again and slammed the door. He was devastated! He phoned her but she wouldn’t pick up. He wrote to her and begged to know what was wrong. She refused to communicate with him in any way.
By the time I met him, Richard had gone round and around in his mind trying to understand what was wrong with him, with Beth and with their relationship. His misery had driven him to such despair that it affected his physical as well as mental health. Sad to say, he never found out why the love of his life didn’t think he was the love of her life. It took some months for Richard to regain his self-confidence and believe that he was lovable and could find a wonderful woman who would want to share her life with him.
Charlene and Ken dated for over six months and enjoyed each other’s company. At times Charlene dreamed about how it would be to marry Ken, but then she pulled back, doubting that she could handle a lifetime commitment. Charlene’s parents were very unhappy and fought a lot. Her father was a rage-aholic, so Charlene’s view of marriage was not rosy. As Ken tried to get closer, she began to pull away. She didn’t want to commit yet she didn’t want to break up with him since there was so much that was good in their relationship. If only she could keep it the way it was, she would be content.
Her solution was to ask Ken if they could continue to see each other as friends rather than lovers. Happily, Ken agreed, and things went well until he met and fell in love with Yvonne who felt threatened by Charlene. Yvonne convinced Ken to stop seeing Charlene. It was very hard for Charlene to come to terms with Ken’s rejection. She tried to contact him, but he refused to discuss the situation. She asked friends to intercede on her behalf and made a nuisance of herself.
Like Richard, Charlene suffered with the torment of her broken heart. She kept dwelling on how good she felt with him and craved that closeness that made her feel so good. No other man that she met made her feel that way. She continued to dwell on her loss and the emptiness in her life until she was so depressed that she had to take medication.
There is a phrase that describes Richard and Charlene’s obsession. We call it “Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda.” The lovelorn person keeps thinking, “If only I could have done something different, it would have turned out better.” “I should have said this or refrained from saying or doing that and he or she would still love me.” Richard and Charlene inspected their memories of the times they spent with their beloved, trying to think about the defects that made the other turn them down as potential mates. They drove themselves into a state of intense despair and couldn’t seem to rally their energy. They alternated between anger toward the former loved one and self-hatred for not measuring up.
Richard and Charlene felt powerless over feeling rejected. One of the first things I point out to those with broken hearts is that emotional rejection can be compared to organ implant rejection. When a person gets a new heart, kidney or other organ, they receive medications to help the body accept the foreign object because there is often a biological incompatibility with the borrowed organ.
Many relationships don’t work because there is some important incompatibility. I ask the person with the broken heart to think about past love relationships where they were the ones to reject another. Why did they break it off? Perhaps the level of attraction wasn’t strong enough. Maybe the other person had a problem with addiction or mental or physical illness that was worrisome. There might have been religious or political differences that might potentially cause strife.
Once they realize that they had to reject the other in order to be free to find a more compatible mate, they can contemplate the idea that someone rejected them for the same reason. Charlene admitted that although she loved being with Ken and felt very close to him, she hated the way he kissed and he was not the most inspired lover. She repressed her judgment of him as a lover and dwelled on his other positive traits. Was that one of the reasons she held back? Could she really spend the rest of her life committed to someone who was not her idea of the perfect sex partner? No wonder Ken found someone else.
Beth and Ken really did Richard and Charlene a favor in freeing them to go on to attract a more satisfying mate, someone who would appreciate all of their positive traits and feel thrilled to be in love with them. Although Richard never found out why he was rejected, would he really want to spend his life with someone who was not willing to discuss problems with him or attempt to work them out? What were the ups and downs that he was willing to overlook because he was in love? What would it be like to spend his life with those ups and downs unresolved?
Experiencing a broken heart is very unpleasant, but if you can learn from the experience it may help you find the mate that is really perfect for you. Get started by following these steps:
* Allow yourself to take a reasonable amount of time to grieve. (Weeks rather than months.)
* Make a list of the wonderful traits that made you love the other.
* Make a list of any behaviors or traits that you would change in your beloved if you could (stop smoking, lose weight, earn more money, finish school, dress better, etc.)
* Make a list of the traits that you did not like in the other but kept suppressing admitting to yourself. Think about being with this person as he or she is now for years and years.
Start today to say this affirmation daily:
I deserve to be loved and cherished by someone who is a perfect mate for me.
TAKE ACTION
Use EFT to explore your broken heart.
Tap the Karate Chop spot on the outside edge of your hand while you say something like this:
Even though I am broken hearted because _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ broke up with me, I am tapping on that now to release my pain.
Even though I loved _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (name of person) deeply, somewhere inside I was not being honest with him or her about _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ that might have made me hold back and I am using EFT to resolve that.
Even though I thought that _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (name of person) loved me and I feel utterly rejected now, I am tapping to release my pain.
Even though I am not sure that I deserve to be loved and cherished by someone who is a perfect mate for me, I am ready to face and release all the ways I keep love
If new thoughts, negative feelings or memories arise, tap about those. Keep tapping until you feel at peace. If you are still feeling strong negative emotions it means that you haven’t tapped long enough.
Chapter 9: The Silent Treatment
The “silent treatment” is an unpleasant dynamic that brings anger and despair to many couples. They often give up trying to achieve satisfactory communication and live lives of frustration and loss of love. See if you identify with these couples.
Terry was dealing with issues of low self-esteem and trying to figure out why she had so much trouble finding a happy relationship. She was depressed because, when she and Eddie had been dating for a month or so, they were sitting in his truck after going out to the movies and something went wrong. They were discussing the film and started to disagree about what the scriptwriter’s message was.
As the argument intensified, Terry felt pressured and criticized. She discovered that although the words she wanted to say were inside her head, she couldn’t say them out loud. She became frozen. Eddie was confused by her silence. He tried to get her to reply, and when she didn’t, he just shrugged and drove her home. He never contacted her again. She shared with me that this wasn’t the first time a relationship fizzled because she went silent.
Dave, a short, slim man had been married for over five years to Alicia, who outweighed him by 30 pounds. They wanted marriage counseling because they were having trouble communicating. Apparently there were times when they argued that Dave became sullen and wouldn’t speak. When this happened Alicia became irritated and escalated her demands. Then Dave would blurt out “I have to get out of here.” At that point Alicia would say, “You can’t go until we finish this discussion!” She would then block the doorway so he couldn’t leave the room. At times this standoff culminated in a physical fight that left them bruised and unhappy.
Pauline and Frank had been living together for seven years and were constantly rubbing each other the wrong way. They maintained that they loved each other, but they were continually angry with the other. When Pauline would say something critical to Frank he would become defensive. When Frank criticized Pauline, she tried to share her side of it but there was never a satisfactory conclusion. After a short time Frank would simple clam up, purse his lips and glare at her.
When that happened, Pauline became more insistent to no avail. The more Frank withdrew, the louder Pauline’s voice got. As she screamed at him, Frank became frantic but couldn’t express himself. Pauline was at her wits’ end and was furious with Frank since he had turned into a solid wall and did not appear to hear her or be able to explain what was happening inside of him.
The problem I have just described is called Stonewalling. Pauline described Frank as a solid wall. That wall imprisons one person and keeps them from expressing strong emotions while keeping the other person outside the impenetrable barrier.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher, has been studying couples in his University laboratory for more than twenty years. Stonewalling is a problem that he recognized as detrimental to a happy relationship. In his research he found that some people become physiologically overwhelmed or “flooded” when a situation heats up.
As a result, they turn off and tune out. It is as if they are paralyzed, unable to say what is going on. Their partner sees this “silent treatment” as a red flag and usually becomes more and more frustrated. The more the annoyed partner escalates, trying to get a rise out of the stony partner, the more that partner withdraws. The result can be miserable for both parties. Once a person understands that the stonewaller is truly paralyzed and is not just being uncooperative or obstinate, he or she can stop being angry and start to have compassion for the silent partner.
If you recognize yourself as a stonewaller or you are in a relationship with someone who gives you the silent treatment it is vital for you to understand this problem and know what to do in order to keep your relationship from disintegrating. Since stonewalling is the result of a physiological state, there are things that couples can do if one partner suffers from this reaction to stress.
One of the solutions to stonewalling in a relationship is for each person to recognize the signs and decide on a response that is kind and reasonable. Alicia agreed that when Dave said, “I have to get out of here,” she would let him go. However, they had an agreement that they would make an appointment to meet again within 24 hours to resolve whatever problem was on the table so Alicia would feel understood.
Pauline asked Frank if it was OK for her to ask him if he needed a time out when she observed him starting to purse his lips. Frank agreed and offered to use the time out finger signal when he felt himself withdrawing to let her know what was happening. Terry resolved that in her next relationship she would discuss this with her partner and let him know what stonewalling was and how she would handle it now that she too knew that it wasn’t a defect but a physical reaction to stress.