The Literary Devil’s Dictionary
Tom F. Twain Esquire
By Tom F. Twain
Copyright 2009 Tom Twain
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The Literary Devil’s Dictionary
by Tom Twain
A
advance: n. 1. the only money a writer is sure of getting for sweating blood on his manuscript. 2. an editor’s folly. 3. n. ill-gotten gain that confirms a writer in his felonies.
all rights: n. the eternal call of a publishing jackal.
anthology: n. 1. a vain marketing ploy to sell a collection of stories that didn't sell on their own. 2. a scam to make money off assorted talents by a person who can't write but wants to be listed as an editor on the cover.
attorney: n. 1. a low down money grubbing bottom feeding scoundrel-- until you need one.
auction: n. 1. event where several publishing lemmings throw good money after bad. 2. Victory of emotion over reason.
B
belles lettres: n. ten-penny name given to literary fiction in an attempt to get someone to buy it.
bestseller: n. 1. a triumph of marketing over substance. 2. book sitting on the TV. 3. the literary turning of the worm that allows a writer to start getting even with publishers and editors for past offenses.
book: n. 1. video game instructions. 2. flower press. 3. scam to defraud writer by publisher and retailer.
book blurb: n. 1. smoke blown by fellow writers on author’s behalf. 2. an orgasm of superlatives.
book critic: n. 1. a paid assassin. 2. a sound and fury signifying nothing. 3. a job one step above writing obituaries.
book doctor: n. an unpublished writer who makes money off the folly of other unpublished writers.
book packager: n. another brick in the wall between a writer and his money.
book signing: n. 1. an author's hour and a half of solitary contemplation. 2. a writer’s humility lesson. 3. a chance for a writer to get a free cup of coffee and flirt with nubile booksellers.
C
chain bookstore: n. 1. Wal-Mart with pretensions. 2. a coffee shop with books for insulation. 3. a job program for goths.
chapbook: n. pamphlet allowing a writer to claim he's been published.
children’s book: n. 1. last gasp of fading celebrities. 2. writing pastime for retired matrons.
3. the red headed stepchild of the literary world.
cliché': n. 1. popular fiction. 2. what I would label my prose if it were written by you.
cliff notes: n. synopsis booklets that save students from the ordeal of reading novels like Henry Esmond and The Scarlet Letter.
climax: n. 1. the emotional payoff in a story. 2. the moment a person confesses to his significant others he’ going to quit his respectable job and become a freelance writer. 3. the moment a writer finds out whether or not the publisher’s check is going to clear the bank.
computer: n. a writer’s neglected electronic replacement for his neglected typewriter.
conflict: n. what your novel doesn't have enough of, and what your relationships with your agent, editor, and publisher have too much of.
contributor’s copy: n. a sop sent to a writer instead of money.
copyright: n. 1. the right to embarrass yourself in print and leave a record of it for future generations in the Library of Congress.
cover letter: n. an author’s written attempt to snow job an editor into a financial and literary catastrophy.
creative muse: n. hunger and the rent.