The Many Mini-Adventures of Abner the Gopher
by
Dan Schwartz
The Many Mini-Adventures of Abner the Gopher
Copyright © 2010 Dan Schwartz
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews
Published by SMASHWORDS
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cover art by Dan Schwartz
For more information on Dan Schwartz visit http://www.banocanut.com
Introduction
Hello, and allow me to introduce myself, my name is Abner and I am a gopher. I was once an ordinary gopher, just running multimillion dollar golf greens, but events unfolded and I became a world famous gopher of high praise. These events, you may know, consisted of me aiding in the saving of the world from the tyrannous hands of Mother Nature. After the world was saved, it was in dire need to be rebuilt, which I worked tirelessly to do, but unfortunately I was unable to do so after some time. I was getting the itch for adventure and I was almost bedridden with wanderlust. From the time I met my dearest friends in prison to the saving of the world, I had realized that I had missed so much that life had to offer and at my advanced age, I am not sure how many more adventures I have left in me. I needed to get out and travel far and wide. I told my friends that this is something I must do, and that I must do them alone, as to not put anyone in harms way for my exploratory longings. They were all supportive and sent me on my way with their love packed up.
I did not go completely alone though, I hired a scribe to follow me, while remaining out of sight, to record my accounts so that one day I may pass my tales along. I gave strict instruction to not interfere and leave me in whatever dangers I get into, even if eminent doom is apparent. I have accepted any consequences that I am placing myself into. That being said, I present you with my voyages and not knowing how they are to turn out, I hope I survive to read about them myself. I hope I enjoy having them and I hope you enjoy reading them.
Twas a stormy spring day, and purple sky roared thunderously above. Abner, halfway to his next destination of the World’s Largest Collection of Wristwatch Belts and other Waists of Time, decided it to be safer to seek shelter from the storm, than to continue his travels. Luckily for him, about two furlongs away stood, Restoria, one of the first re-built cities of the area. Abner quickly made his way towards the city, and planned on utilizing the nearest hotel to put him up for the night.
Abner entered the city and almost immediately noticed a hotel. Abner ran for the hotel as quick as he could, whilst dreaming of the luxury of drying his fur. Abner came to the door, grabbed the handle and felt a sharp pain of the back of his head and everything went black.
Abner came to many rain drops later as he lay is a large puddle that was growing greater with every passing moment. Abner stood up slowly and rubbed the back of his head wondering what had just happened. He once again attempted to open the door to the hotel, this time with greater success. Abner sloshed his way up to the desk attendant.
“May I have a room for the night, please,” Abner requested.
“Smoking or non-smoking?” the female desk attendant asked monotonically.
“Non-smoking please,” Abner responded, “tell me, do all the rooms come equipped with hair dryers?”
“Yes, standard. Will you be rooming any pets?” the attendant asked, taking a glance at the gopher with a sneer.”
“No, just me, can we please hurry this up before I catch myself a death,” Abner asked, while ringing out his paws.
“How will you be paying,” the attendant asked as her sneer faded.
“Do you accept,” Abner stopped as he reached for a wallet that was not there. Abner then realized that he had been mugged in the entryway, and had no money on him. “Turns out my wallet was stolen, do you accept payments based on merit or the honor system by any chance?”
“No,” the attendant informed, “no money, no room, no exceptions.”
“But, it is pouring outside,” Abner pleaded his case, “in the morning I can run to the bank and pay you.”
“What part of no exceptions do you not understand,” the attendant said, adding a harsh tone to her voice. “You bums are all the same, every time it rains, you come swarming in here with the same stories of a stolen wallet and promises to pay some other time. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, get the hell out of my hotel. Now!”
Abner and the attendant exchanged dirty glances at one another before Abner trudged back into the typhoon outside. Abner could hardly believe the nerve of the lady. “How could she treat people like that?” Abner asked out loud.
Abner took to the streets of the city, his glasses streaming with water, making it impossible to see anything. Abner needed shelter from the rain; he desperately looked for a bridge, tunnel, gazebo, or subway where he could wait out the storm.
“This is ridiculous,” Abner complained to himself. “I am soaking wet, and freezing. I can barely see a foot in front of my face.” Abner was then kicked in the nose and fell to the ground on his back.
“Gimme you wallet,” a hooded figure demanded.
“Sorry, you are too late,” Abner answered while laughing. “This night could not get any worse, who gets mugged twice in a row.”
“Really?” the assailant asked.
“Really,” Abner answered.
“I am sorry,” the mugger apologized, “I feel just terrible now; times are tough on all of us. How is your nose?”
“It is alright,” Abner replied, once again having to stand up from a puddle, “I am so cold I can not feel my face anyway.”
“Tell you what, for your troubles I will take you back to my place. It is not much but it will get you out of the rain,” the apologetic assaulter said while stepping into the light revealing tattered cloths and a disheveled look. “The name is Bumbly.”
“Abner,” Abner introduced.
Bumbly lead Abner through the streets to an alley, that was filled with garbage cans and covered by a plastic tarp. “Welcome to my place,” Bumbly announced with arms wide opened.
“This is your home?” Abner asked in shock.
“Not exactly,” Bumbly corrected. “Whoever said home is where the heart is must have been a parasitic roundworm, because there are the homeless out there. Unless that saying implies that we are heartless and if that is the case I am slightly offended. Let me get you some towels to dry off with.”
Abner took a seat, marveling at the kindness displayed before him, “with fear of sounding condescending, I just want to say how horrible it is that someone has to live like this.”
“Don’t feel bad friend,” Bumbly scoffed, throwing his head back, “I have been doing this for quite some time. You could say I was a professional, but well that would imply a job which I also don’t have, so I guess scratch that.” Bumbly then began ferociously scratching at his stomach and arms. “Sorry about the pests, they do get itchy.”
Bumbly fetched the towels and extended them to Abner, who took them gleefully. Abner began drying off his fur which uncomfortably clung to his body. “Thank you so much for your hospitality.”
“It is the least I could do, I tried to steal for you,” Bumbly started, “I have found that to be one of the only ways I can get enough food to feed myself, since no one will give me a job. If you are what you eat, then we homeless are essentially nothing, and that is the exact treatment we get.”
“Are you all alone?” Abner inquired.
“No, there are a bunch of us, we usually hang around together,” Bumbly answered. “The others are out right now harvesting wallets. They should be back soon; I will introduce you to them. In the mean time, tell me a little about yourself, what brings you to my city?”
“Just trying to find what I am missing in life,” Abner explained. “There is too much to see to be tied down, looking at the same old sights. At my age, who knows how long I will last, and who knows how long my sight will last.”
“Are you saying your old, no,” Bumbly flattered, “why you don’t look a day over, well, I am not sure what a young age for a gopher would be, but assume I said that.”
“Well thank you,” Abner thanked, “what about you, aren’t there things you want to see?”
“I have been around more than one might think,” Bumbly bragged. “Most of us homeless are out in the real life everyday. We see it all, and we do not live sheltered lives, literally.”
“I am glad to see your humor stays in tact,” Abner laughed.
As the two conversed three more scruffily clad vagabonds roamed into the alley, each counting their own wad full of money. They greeted Bumbly cheerily, and it was apparent they were the other homeless that he referenced to earlier. “Gang, allow me to introduce you to Abner, an assault gone astray,” Bumbly introduced, “and Abner, allow me to introduce you to the gang. This miscreant to my left is Hobort. The scoundrel to my right is our very own Trampson, and last but not least, but still pretty low is Beggarstopher.”
“Nice to meet you,” Trampson greeted as he extended out his hand and approached Abner.
“Trampson, back off,” Bumbly shouted, “he has not got any wallet for you to pickpocket.”
“You got me,” Trampson backed off ashamed.
“Well, now that everybody is back we should be off to bed,” Bumbly stated. “Abner, here in this alley we like to follow a strict bedtime, because without schedules, we would be no better than the addicts. Let me grab you some blankets to keep you warm.”
The four homeless prepared their sleeping areas, and each made room for Abner to rest, and each shared some of their linens. Abner was exhausted and knew he would have no problem sleeping, even under his current circumstances.
Abner rose out of his sleeping area in the morning and opened his eyes feeling fully rejuvenated. “Wow,” Abner yelled astounded as he walked over to Bumbly and Hobort who were sharing a can of beans. “I feel great. These blankets really were warm, what did you say these were, fleece?”
“No,” Hobort answered abruptly in between chewing, “fleas.”
“Oh,” Abner said, “still warm. I would hate to sleep and run, especially after you offered me all that you have, so would you mind if I spend some time here. As long as you do not think I will get in the way.”
“Free country,” Hobort snorted, “at least once was.”
“Of course you can hang around as long as you would like,” Bumbly answered.
“So what is it that you do all day?” Abner asked.
“We talk about how things once were, and how we are going to better ourselves,” Beggarstopher chimed in.
“One day we will be on top of the world,” Trampson joined, “I will get the respect I deserve, one day.”
“What are you guys doing about it?” Abner asked, intrigued.
“Nothing,” all four answered.
“Don’t you think it’s time for change?” Abner asked.
Beggarstopher rushed Abner, hopped on him and held out his hands in front of his face, “you were holding out on us. Change, could I have some change, please.”
Abner brushed Beggarstopher off and explained, “no, not monetary change, but actions you should be taking. Nothing is going to happen if you do nothing.” Abner felt the need to try to help them as much as they helped him in his time of need.
“We are not idea men, we just like to complain,” Hobort complained.
“Well, I get ideas every now and again,” Abner boasted, “why not run your circumstances by me and we will see if we can come up with something.”
“Might be a waste of time,” Hobort snuffed. “Months ago, I had it all; car, house, job. I was living the good life. Then one day I was coming home from work, pulled into my driveway, walked up to my front door, felt around in my pocket for my keys, but they were not there. I left my keys in my car. I ran over to my car, but alas the doors were locked, with my keys sitting right there on the seat…mocking me. I ran back to my house and tried my damnedest to push the door down, but it was mahogany. I ran to the back door, but had equally as little luck back there. I was locked out…locked out for good. I lost my job, because I was unable to drive to work, and it was well over a half a mile away; completely inaccessible. I initially slept on my porch, but that was just not comfortable. I only had a few dollars on me, but I spent it on scratch off lottery tickets, but it was no use. Eventually I turned to the streets and now I have nothing. No quarters, by both meanings.”
“Did you try climbing through a window?” Abner asked.
Hobort's eyes went wide as his head jerked to full attention. He awkwardly looked around then took off running full speed out of the alleyway. The others stared at Abner with jaws dropped, fidgeting out of excitement.
“Me next,” Trampson blurted out. “Help me next.”
“I will see what I can do,” Abner said with a certain charm to his voice.
“I had a job and an apartment, but I am lazy and I stopped showing up to work, got fired, then got evicted when I couldn’t pay my rent,” Trampson shared. “What am I to do?”
“Well how do you expect to earn a living if you do not work?” Abner questioned, somewhat puzzled.
“I was hoping to marry a millionaire,” Trampson revealed.
“Well this is no place to meet one,” Abner said, “go up to the ritzy part of town, wait for an expensive car driven by a woman and walk in front of it. She will feel bad about hitting you, and then when you share your downtrodden luck story, she will pity you and nurse you to health and in the mean time you can work your magic to steal her heart. Steal her heart is the only thing you will be stealing, otherwise you will blow your chances, so hands in your pockets at all times, and remember slow moving cars so you can eventually walk again, and if she turns out to already be married, try again afterwards, or find out if she has a single sister.”
“You really are smarter than you look,” Trampson semi-complimented, “and with those glasses you look pretty smart.”
Abner then turned his attention to the next in line to see if he can help, “Beggarstopher, do you want me to try to come up with something for you?”
“No,” Beggarstopher simply stated, “I am just crazy. Like eating pigeons and such.”
“Fair enough,” Abner nodded, “what about you Bumbly, you have been quiet, are you feeling under the weather?”
“I am always under the weather because I can not afford to fly above it in a plane, but something is bothering me,” Bumbly said shaking his head from side to side. “I am embarrassed to say though.”
“Nothing to be embarrassed about, we are all friends here,” Trampson joined in, “share your tale.”
“Well,” Bumbly started, “one day I was getting ready for work and out of my kitchen window I noticed someone standing under a tree watching me. I should have known then, he was no good. Everyone who hangs out under trees is shady and should not be trusted, but I thought nothing of it at the time. So, I went to work as per usual, worked my eight hours, and headed home. I tried my key in the door but it would not work. I peeked through the window and inside stood the guy from the tree, wearing my cloths. I called the police since my locks had been changed, and when they showed up, the guy claimed to be me, and he had identification saying so. When I went to pull out my wallet, it was gone; he must have stolen my wallet. I was a victim of identify theft. The police arrested me, and threw me in jail for the night, and warned me that if I went back I would serve a longer sentence. I am afraid to go back and confront him.”
“This is unheard of,” Abner shouted, “we are going to march right over there and demand your house back. You should not be afraid; you have three others backing you, right?”
Trampson and Beggarstopher each added their “hoorays,” and the four marched to Bumbly’s formed residence. Bumbly trudged up to the front door with his head held high, while Abner and the others stood supportively on the front lawn.
The door opened up and there stood the guy Bumbly spoke of, with a smug look on his face. With no words, Bumbly reached into the house and snatched an umbrella from the umbrella stand and thrust it through the thief’s heart. He fell to his knees and Abner, Trampson and Beggarstopher hastily ran up to clean the mess. They pulled the body into the backyard where they proceeded to dismember it for easy transport. They then loaded it into four wheelbarrows and made their way to the local pig farm to dispose of the evidence.