Praise for Housework Blues:
“Stunning.
The only book I know that addresses the sometimes joyless
and unprecedented challenge that is being a modern female with a home to keep”
Alison Bayne,
Mumtopia
“A really great book….
feels like your personal cheerleader!
Goodreads Review
“Very motivating!…wonderful and chock full of inspiration and useful info.”
Kris Wise, Manchester USA
“What a great find!
Fantastic, inspiring and an overall good read.
It’s as though you wrote certain chapters just for me.”
Natasha,
Occupation Housewife
Housework Blues
A Survival Guide
How to cope with the mental and
emotional challenge of keeping a home
Danielle Raine
Published by Danielle Raine
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Danielle Raine
Discover other titles by Danielle Raine at Smashwords.com and DanielleRaine.co.uk
Smashword Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licenses for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase and additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not pay for it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.
Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Disclaimer
The advice in this book is intended as helpful hints towards general wellbeing. It is not intended as a substitute for medical or professional advice. In dealing with any medical or mental health condition, always consult a physical or mental health professional. The personal evidence contained herein is anecdotal and the author claims no relevant official qualifications other than life experience. The author accepts no responsibility for the actions of the reader as a result of reading this book. The reader is responsible for evaluating the suitability or appropriateness of the ideas herein with relation to their own life.
This book is dedicated to...
Women everywhere, for the invisible work they do,
&
my family - my inspiration.
Warning
This is not a practical housekeeping manual.
There may be the odd tip or useful gem, but the main aim of this book is not to teach you how to clean your home. My intention is to help you cope with the unique psychological challenge of being a modern female with a home to keep. This book is less ‘how to’ and more ‘why bother’. These are strategies to keep you sane.
If, like me, you lack the domestic gene where housework comes naturally, or your feminist tendencies make you want to run screaming from mop and bucket, then this book is for you. It’s a collection of ideas that I’ve stumbled across, ideas that have eased the mental burden of doing what must be done within the home.
My wish is that these simple suggestions will save you years of anguish and frustration. And I hope that these perspectives will liberate you to enjoy a beautiful home with both your sanity and relationships intact.
A note to the naturally sceptical
You will get the greatest benefit from this book if you approach it with a very open mind.
Some of
the most revolutionary insights may come from unconventional, even
controversial, sources. In my search for solutions, I’ve studied
ancient philosophies, Eastern religions, quantum physics,
metaphysics, business tycoons, success gurus, NLP, spirituality, and
psychology. Some of the following concepts may stretch, even counter,
your currently held beliefs.
But if those beliefs aren’t
working – what have you got to lose?
You may think an idea is poppycock, but if it gets you through the daily grind without throttling anyone - why not go with poppycock?
Einstein’s definition of insanity:
doing the same thing
over and over again
and expecting different results.
How this book came to be
When I was just a little girl...
I asked my mother, ‘What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?’
But she didn’t say, ‘Que sera, sera…’ She said, ‘If you're planning to marry and have children, you'd better learn to like cooking and cleaning.’
So I decided on the spot that, no, I would not marry or have children because I was meant for ‘better things’ than the drudgery of housewifery. (Well, it was the eighties, when women could ‘Have it all!’...)
This approach went swimmingly until one day, many years later, I woke up to discover that I had indeed acquired both husband and children. But that was fine, as these were a source of great joy and happiness.
Less joyful was the role I’d unwittingly landed, as House Slave.
I didn't remember that clause in the marriage vows. Nor any warning in the many motherhood manuals I devoured during pregnancy. Nobody warns you about all the sheer volume of domestic stuff.
So, it’s possible that this book may fill that role - serving as a gentle warning to any woman about to enter the ‘homemaking’ phase of her life. Mostly, though, it’s for women like me who are already there - bewildered, frustrated and wondering how the hell to cope.
Housework - it does your head in!
For the majority of my married life (eleven years at the time of this writing), one phrase could sum up my attitude to housework –‘It does my head in.’
It wasn’t my knees that suffered, as in days of yore, or fingers, worked to the bone. In fact, it wasn’t technically my head, in the physical sense, but more accurately my mind. After much anguish, guilt and soul-searching, I discovered that my resentment of domestic strife was actually a mental issue.
For a while I pretended it was merely a time thing. I used to say, I never find the time to mop the floor. Yet there would always be time to read books (often, ironically, about housework), or watch Desperate Housewives, or sit in cafes, perusing magazines about beautiful homes. So the problem clearly wasn’t a lack of hours in the day.
From there I declared it a lack of inclination – I’ve got better things to do than dust ornaments… et cetera... Yet, deep down, I yearned for a beautiful, clean and tidy home. I envied others who seemed to manage it. I was wracked with guilt and shame, should anyone call unexpectedly, when the house was a mess (which was any day with a ‘y’ in it). So, neither was it a case of indifference – not only did I care, I cared deeply.
Gradually, I suspected that the problem lay in my self-image. Being a product of the Have It All generation, perhaps it was a feminist thing? When it came to housework, my feminist tendencies were roaring, Why should women do it? But on top of this, I discovered a psychological torment (must it be done over and over and over?) which progressed to an existential one (must it be done at all?).
After much pondering (housework at least gives you plenty of time to think), the solution eventually dawned on me. I realised that the only difference between me and other women - who seemed to cope with housework and stay sane - was one of attitude.
It’s all in the mind
I concluded that my brain just wasn’t wired to merely get on with the domestic stuff. It needed valid reasons to cope with the repetition, the injustice and the futility. And after recognising this mental aspect, it became easier to explain the emotional issues, i.e. the housework blues. After all, if your thoughts about housework are predominantly negative, they’re unlikely to lead to feelings of joy, motivation or even inclination.
So I began a quest. I sought new perspectives which would help me cope with the task at hand. Gradually, through books, chats with friends, the internet, even overheard snippets of conversation, I came across some real gems of insight. These weren’t complex theories. Quite often they were just an alternative way to view the problem.
But, for me, these new approaches meant the difference between sanity and running screaming from the kitchen. Or the difference between domestic bliss and the divorce court. Or the difference between family harmony and my offspring growing up to remember me as the permanently cross lady who kept a messy house.
In short, big differences. And all from just simple nuggets of wisdom. How I wished I had known these ten years ago! But failing time-travel, if I can share these ideas with others, then my battle has not been in vain.
So it’s my sincere wish that you’ll benefit from what I learned the hard way. I hope that the suggestions in the following pages will bring mental and emotional relief, easing the struggle that keeping a home can become. My aim is to close the gap between your current frazzled reality and the calmer, healthier, happier version of you. (She’s in there somewhere.)
Also, although housework is a universal issue, the role of homemaker is a uniquely feminine one. So, even though many of the ideas will help anyone, regardless of gender, the perspective is tailored to the needs of modern women. This underlying theme is to support women in our singular role in the world, empowering us to better care for ourselves and our loved ones and also to fulfill more of our potential - beyond housework.
I believe that in this small way, by helping women survive, or even conquer, their Housework Blues, the world will be a calmer, happier and more pleasant place. And our homes will be a good deal more enjoyable, too.
So, I hope you will take comfort in these musings from a kindred soul. Moreover, I hope you will find a certain peace and serenity in the answers I’ve discovered.
Power to your elbow (grease).
The cruel irony
of housework:
people only notice
when you don’t do it.
The trouble with housework...
"I hate housework. You make the beds,
you wash the dishes... and six months later
you have to start all over again."
- Joan Rivers
Women are capable and resilient creatures, able to multi-task, organise, plan, coordinate and generally cope with some of life’s toughest demands. We can produce a human being from our bodies. When our loved ones are at risk, we’re able to perform feats of superhuman strength. As a race, we’re incredible!
Yet throughout the ages one thing has been the bane of womankind - housework. It gets us down.
But what is it with housework? Why does it get to us so much?
Well, from my own experience, I have identified that the Housework Blues tend to stem from one (or more) of eight particular complaints. See if you recognize any of the following grievances:
1. Overwhelmed
There’s too much to do.
I don’t know where to start.
I never get on top of my jobs.
2. Injustice
Why should I do it all?
I didn’t make the mess.
Why am I the only one doing it?
3. Futility
What’s the point?
It’ll only get dirty again.
It’s endless.
4. No Energy
I can’t be bothered.
I’m too tired.
It’s too much like hard work.
5. Boredom
It’s so monotonous.
Every day, the same chores, over and over.
I hate repetitive tasks.
6. Inferiority
I’m no good at this.
I’m so useless.
Other women can manage it but not me.
7. Superiority
I’m better than this.
It’s a waste of my brain and talents.
Is this where I’ve ended up?
8. Lack of Motivation
I can’t seem to get started.
I just don’t want to do it.
I’d rather do something else.
Unfortunately, these attitudes are very common - even though they can make our work unnecessarily tough. But the good news is: for all of these mindsets, there’s an alternative way to view the problem. And these new perspectives, insights and ideas are the core content of this book.
The following solutions will undoubtedly bring you more success and control in the domestic realm. More importantly, though, they’ll increase both your inner peace and your outer harmony. And banishing these unnecessary and unpleasant Housework Blues will have a sublime ripple effect that will benefit your whole life immeasurably.
Intuitive solution-finding
This book has been split into eight sections, each one addressing one of the above complaints. In this way, it’s easy for you to go straight to the issue you most resonate with. Identifying the problem is a vital first step towards the solution, so trust your instinct. Use your famous intuition. You may find that you are drawn to an issue which you feel is illogical or irrelevant but if you are drawn to it at all, there’s a reason. Sometimes your instinct knows what you need better than your conscious mind.
It’s possible that some of the tips you come across may not appeal to you immediately, and it’s fine to cherry-pick your favourites. But they are all worth considering and you never know where that life-changing nugget of insight may be hiding. Also, try to keep an open mind - what may not work for you today, may make total sense one day in the future.
You may also notice that some of the advice is contradictory. This is not a mistake. Not only are we humans all different, each one of us can be fickle and contrary beings. As our moods change, we’ll need to alter our approach. So it pays to have an arsenal of wide-ranging perspectives to draw on.
Also, it’s not necessary to memorise this information. One reading will implant these suggestions in your psyche, where they will await the opportune moment to spring forth and make your life easier and happier - the way it’s meant to be.
So, consider the eight core ‘issues’ again. Notice how you feel as you read them, then use the index to jump straight to the one that calls to you the most.
It’s time to beat those Housework Blues.
SECTION 1:
OVERWHELM
Please note, I realise that to use ‘overwhelm’ as a noun is grammatically incorrect. However, in the spirit of language being used to convey meaning, I am going to use it to describe ‘the sense of being overwhelmed’, as I believe you know what I mean...
Where do I start?
I once read an article about a woman who loved puzzles. Nothing earth-shattering about that, but the piece had a profound effect on me. When describing her hobby, this otherwise ordinary lady said, ‘Every afternoon, when I’ve finished all my jobs, I sit down with a cup of tea, a biscuit and my favourite puzzle book.’
Did you spot the remarkable bit?
‘...finished all my jobs...’
When I read that, I was shocked. I had never known such a scenario! It was like a view into another world... a world where you can relax, happy in the knowledge that your home is clean and tidy and there is nothing to be done. (At least for a while.)
This situation had never happened in my life. Ever. If I found myself sitting down and relaxing (which I must admit, is something I force myself to do regularly...), it was always with the gnawing sense that I should be doing something else. The washing-up was beckoning me, or there was laundry to be hung out, or a meal to organise, a bathroom to clean, vacuuming, dusting, tidying, sorting, planning, etc, etc, etc...
It dawned on me that my overwhelming perception of housework was precisely that - overwhelming. It was all, literally, too much. I’d previously thought that this was just the way it was, so it was a real eye-opener to discover that some women actually get on top of the situation.
I envied that puzzle-woman, who was so accomplished that she ‘got all her jobs done’. I decided that I wanted that for myself.
The Dangers of Overwhelm
Once I
discovered this covetable ‘other way’, I felt sure it must be a
more pleasant - and healthful - way to live. After all, feelings of
being overwhelmed don’t just affect the state of your home - they
also have a destructive effect on your physical and mental state. By
definition, to overwhelm is to ‘bury or drown beneath a huge mass,
defeat completely’. A sense of being overwhelmed can trigger a
downward spiral that could lead to illness and depression. In this
light, then, too much housework can actually damage
your health.
So, with the puzzle-lady as my role model, I set about finding solutions to my feelings of overwhelm. I decided to take back control. I refused to be beaten by the dust and dirty dishes. If there was a way to be victorious on the domestic front, I was going to find it.
Little did I know at the time that in my new-found determination, I had unwittingly fought my first battle – The Declaration of Intention.
The Power of Intention.
Did you know that you can conquer your negative feelings simply by intending to do so? It’s possible to eliminate fear, just by deciding not to be afraid. It can be that simple. (Not easy, but simple.) You can defuse anger, jealousy, guilt or any unpleasant emotion, just by refusing to feel it.
Such is the power of intention.
Unswerving intent has enormous power behind it and it’s a power we can turn to our aid. My intention became to rise above feelings of overwhelm within my home, to no longer accept the idea that ‘it’ was all too much. And with that small shift of attitude, I’d taken a giant leap toward my goal. The power of this intention would prove to be a driving force in defeating overwhelm.
Despite this promising first step, however, there was still a long way to go before I could reach for the puzzle book. Determination may have been a great start, but information and knowledge were to prove vital to my success. Which is why I invite you to share the following techniques. These are useful insights and strategies that I stumbled across in my bid to conquer the domestic realm, and they have proven to be dependable allies.
So, if you too would like to know that magical feeling of being competent, capable and in control of your home, make the decision - right now - to reject overwhelm. Make that vital mental shift that you can and will be victorious!
Then you can relax for a bit as you discover how to go about it...
Eliminate
If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.
This may be true, but some things are not worth doing. (Whilst other things could be made easier or even done by someone else - more on that later...) If you feel that you simply have too much to do, you could be right. So the solution is either to accomplish more (easier said than done) or have less to do.
In the spirit of the latter, let’s start by looking for any areas that can be eliminated.
Declutter your home
First things first - are you cleaning / dusting / falling over more stuff than you need to? Could you live with fewer ‘things’?
Clear or empty spaces are soothing to the mind and in cases of overwhelm, they are the Holy Grail. So, a good first step in regaining domestic control is to hold a major review of the objects that fill your home.
Life-coaches are big fans of this strategy - and with good reason. The process of simply getting rid of items you no longer want, use or need can re-energise your whole life. You create the necessary space for new possibilities and opportunities. It will also lift the mental pressure of having too many belongings. Common reactions, after a thorough purge, are sensations of lightness, optimism and relief - these are powerful antidotes to Housework Blues.
So get the de-cluttering bug. (It can actually become quite addictive). Adopt a discerning mindset. Try to gradually reduce your environment to what you need and what you love.
Even if you like to be surrounded by lots of things, just make sure they are things you enjoy. De-cluttering doesn’t have to mean throwing away your beloved items or creating a stark, minimalist interior (although that would be easier to keep clean...) Go at a pace that’s comfortable for you. However, do try to be honest with yourself. As you appraise your belongings, keep in mind your goal of conquering overwhelm.
"Have nothing in your house
that you do not know to be useful,
or believe to be beautiful."
William Morris
For everything in your home, ask yourself, Do I need it? or Do I love it? If the answer is no to both, then ask, Why am I cleaning it? (or not, as the case may be...) With websites such as eBay and freecycle, it’s now easier than ever to pass on unwanted items that are too good to throw away. (Although the good old car boot sale is still a potentially lucrative way to recycle your old belongings.)
A good time to have a big sort-out is before Christmas (to make room for what Santa brings!) or before birthdays, particularly children’s birthdays. Whilst these biannual purges are effective, it’s a habit of regular clutter-busting that brings lasting benefits. You will dramatically reduce not only what needs cleaning/tidying, but also the amount of time it takes to do so. There will also be a bonus side effect of boosted energy levels. It’s a triple whammy! Personally, I’ve found decluttering to be one of the most satisfying and effective techniques to helping me feel competent and in control. (At least until I notice the laundry pile...)
Once you have rid your home of extraneous clutter, you will need to remain vigilant, to make sure it doesn’t creep back in. When shopping for new items, think twice about what you choose to give house-space (and subsequently brain-space). You may love that new objet d’art, but are you going to love cleaning it? (Or, perhaps more likely, will you love looking at it covered in dust/fingerprints/cereal/all of the above?)
So, if the clutter-free way appeals to you, you would do yourself, your family and your home a valuable service by learning the tricks and techniques. There are many inspiring and informative resources available which deal with de-cluttering in more depth. Two of my personal favourite books are: Cut the Clutter by Cynthia Townley Ewer and Clearing the Clutter by Mary Lambert. However, if you’re really keen to get started (good for you!) Mimi Tanner’s popular e-book Declutter Fast is available for immediate download.
Your home is meant to be a place of refuge and relaxation. Don’t make room for anything that robs you of more than it provides. Make a vow that ‘selective’ will be your new mindset. And before you know it, you will have busted your clutter and reclaimed your home.
Set your own standards
If you are feeling seriously overwhelmed, it’s vital that your schedule is based on your standards. If you’re trying to attain levels of perfection to please other people, you may well lack the necessary motivation. But with responsibility comes power. So if the housework has been left in your hands, then you get to decide which jobs matter the most.
Aim to prioritise what you feel is important.
If a ‘significant other’ takes issue with this, explain the situation, i.e. doing it your way will be an undoubted improvement on the status quo. Then give them your blessing to undertake any particular jobs they feel strongly about themselves. They may or may not decide that it’s worth their effort, but either way, it’s one less job for you to do.
For example, a friend of mine used to iron her partner’s socks. She claimed he preferred them that way. However, when said partner was asked, if he lived alone, would he iron his own socks? – he said no. He admitted that he wasn’t really that bothered. After that, his socks went un-ironed and he didn’t have a (sockless) leg to stand on.
So, review your chores like a government troubleshooter. Trim the fat. Streamline. Have a policy of not doing for others anything that they wouldn’t bother to do themselves (unless, of course, you actually want to…more on that later).
If you eliminate non-essential tasks, you will physically have less to do and mentally feel less overwhelmed. Thus you’ll be much more able - and likely - to accomplish what you feel really does need doing.
Reduce
Reducing your workload need not be about neglect or cutting corners. It can be about a more efficient use of limited resources, i.e. you.
There is only one you and there are only so many hours in the day. When you are overloaded with work - something’s gotta give. The fact that you’re reading this book suggests that this ‘something’ is currently your home or your mental health. Or both.
Time to prioritise, to determine which activities or objects you could happily do without - then ditch those instead.
Simplify your life
Modern life can have us reeling in a frenzy of activity, often leaving us with the feeling that we’re unable to cope. But how much of this urgency is really necessary? Yes, we are capable of extraordinary achievements - but not necessarily all at once and RIGHT NOW!
The
website The Slow
Movement uses the term ‘time-poverty’ to describe this
uniquely modern issue. It suggests that, in our race to do, be, or
have something else, we may be missing out on the simple
pleasures of life. There are a number of cultural movements that
address this problem and these are gaining momentum and popularity.
(Leo Babauta’s Zen
Habits made Time Magazine’s top ten blogs.) There is
even a rise of new catch-phrases to communicate this phenomenon -
downsizing, downshifting, de-cluttering. These all reflect a call to
go back to basics, to slow down and simplify.
If your home has become a stress-infested work zone, perhaps it’s time to reassess. Cast an enquiring eye over your home and your commitments. Consider all the areas that you devote your time/life to - and make sure they’re worth it. It is, literally, your life at stake.
Simplifying your life and environment can be doubly effective in reducing overwhelm - giving you more time, and less to do. So, evaluate your life and simplify where you can. There is a calmer, happier you in there somewhere - by building some breathing space into your schedule, you are much more likely to find her.
Retrain and conquer
Successful household management, like any other managerial task, requires training. Women are often expected to just ‘know’ this stuff. But as women’s roles have evolved beyond the home, and families are increasingly far flung, we are missing out on much of the wisdom that used to be passed down from female relations.
There are generations of women - the daughters of feminism - who grew up being told they had so much more to offer than domestic servitude. As a result they shunned (if it was offered) the education that women had previously received in the home, i.e. how to run a home. I’ll admit that, as a girl, I’d have met any ‘handy hints’ with scorn and derision. I don’t need to know that stuff - I’m going places! Yet even career women have homes to keep. The difference is that now we have to do it without adequate training.
No wonder we’re feeling overwhelmed - so much to do and we haven’t a clue!
But this essential knowledge still exists. The training we need is still available – and it’s information that could really help us. We may now have to go ‘out there’ and find it - but this is a step worth taking. Acquiring this knowledge could make our homes and lives run much more smoothly.
So, make it your mission to seek out expert advice, trade secrets, and efficient techniques. Research any proven time-savers or lessons passed down over generations. Buy or borrow books, learn from the professionals - benefit from others’ experience. Surf the web - a lot of great information is available free of charge. You may even find yourself inspired and motivated, as well as educated. (I find I’m always spurred into action after a quick flick through The Cleaning Bible by those Queens of Clean, Kim and Aggie.)
There are many tricks and tips that could radically reduce your workload and it’s definitely worth the initial time investment to explore and implement them. Getting clued up on these shortcuts could knock hours off your weekly routine - which over the course of a lifetime could translate to years!
Research, learn and adopt these time-tested labour-saving techniques. We will spend a significant portion of our lives doing unavoidable housework - so, let’s cut out any unnecessary stuff.
Delegate
The first rule of management is delegation.
Don't try and do everything yourself because you can't.
Anthea Turner, author of The Perfect Housewife
There are three reasons to delegate:
• You can’t physically do all that needs to be done.
• You don’t want to do certain tasks.
• Your talents are better utilised elsewhere.
One, two or even all of these conditions may apply to your housework schedule. More often, all three will apply. Yet delegation is something many women struggle with. Call us control freaks, but we tend to believe that only we can do it the right way - Our Way. This may be true, but if you are frazzled and overwhelmed, then good enough is good enough.
Although we may be notoriously wonderful at multi-tasking, we haven’t yet learned how to clone ourselves, and there is only so much a single person can do. So if you are struggling with more than you can cope with, it’s time to call for reinforcements. No one will think any less of you if you accept a little help. In fact, many of the world’s greatest achievers have become great partly because of their ability to delegate.
But within the home, which jobs should you delegate? And to whom?
Well, firstly, the most effective tactic in delegation, indeed for success in all walks of life, is - do what you do best. Stick to your strengths. This is not only a more healthful and satisfying strategy - it’s more efficient. When you excel at a certain task you are naturally more motivated and productive. When you enjoy your work, you make a better job of it.
So, consider your chores, and pick your favourites. Select the jobs you don’t mind, maybe even enjoy. (If you loathe them all, however, you’re going to have to find the ways and means for some major delegation - but this could still be the right thing for you.)
We all have varying strengths, talents and preferences, and it makes sense for us to work with, rather than against, them. So, in our plan to conquer overwhelm - with the aim of reducing your workload - you might as well delegate the bits that you like the least.
Everyone has a job that they mysteriously never get round to. Mine is mopping. Whenever it occurs to me that the floor really does need cleaning, I suddenly find something else very urgent to do. If you live alone, you can leave it as long as you can bear it. If you don’t, you may as well admit your terminal procrastination and take steps to delegate.
When you have a schedule that you can physically manage and that doesn’t make you want to run screaming from the house, you’ll be far more likely to cope productively. Plus you’ll be infinitely happier (a bonus not to be underestimated). But you’re probably wondering - what about the other stuff? Who will do all the jobs that I find boring, loathsome or intolerable?
Believe it or not - some people enjoy doing the things you can’t or don’t want to do. One person’s work may be another person’s play. There are people who actually love to cook and clean and are great at it! (No really, it’s true!)
So if you are prepared to relinquish a little control (and hard work) and delegate the jobs you don’t like, the next question is - who to delegate to?
To hire or not to hire...?
When it comes to hiring domestic help, there are women who do (or would) and women who don’t, and won’t.
If any of the latter group are suffering from overwhelm, it may be time to reconsider. As for the rest of us, again we fall into two camps, those who hire (in which case, I salute you but you can skip this section) and those who can’t find the resources or justify the expense. So let’s just explore that a little...
In his book, The Success Principles, Jack Canfield writes, ‘Most female executives spend too much time running their household, when they could easily and inexpensively delegate this task to a cleaning service or part-time mother’s helper, freeing themselves to focus on their career or spend more time with their family.’
This is sound advice for female executives, but may also apply to any working women. If you’re in paid employment, it’s a simple matter of economics. Put a value on your time - if it’s more than you would pay for staff (and you don’t loathe your job even more than the housework), it makes sense to work those extra hours at your job and pay someone else to clean your home. You can’t do both simultaneously, so do the one you prefer.
There’s a slightly different argument for the Stay-At-Homes. My husband once (and only once) suggested, that since I was at home all day - surely I could do all the housework? He was reluctant to pay for work when I was ‘available’ to do it. I claimed that I’d given up my career to raise children, not dust ornaments, but my reluctance wasn’t an availability issue, more a motivational problem. For the sake of marital harmony, though, we chose to agree to disagree. (He’s good like that.)
However, I have since found that, in this scenario, the most effective argument for domestic help is the case study of a good friend.
Beth was a full-time mum to two children under three. She herself had very high standards for her home but was increasingly feeling the strain of all the housework, on top of the childcare. Her husband refused to entertain the idea of a cleaner. He claimed it was an unnecessary expense that they couldn’t afford. Beth soldiered on, becoming more and more frazzled and stressed out. Her health began to suffer. This went on for quite a while, but ultimately, something had to give. Struggling to maintain her own exacting standards - without assistance - Beth ended up in hospital following a collapse.
There she had a kind of epiphany: she needed help. Given the circumstances, her husband was inclined to agree. (During her spell in hospital, her husband had to shell out far more cash in emergency childcare than it would have cost him to hire a cleaner for years!) These days, Beth delegates without guilt and is healthier and happier. The family finances soon adjusted to the necessary expense. Now her home is kept to her satisfaction, yet she’s not killing herself to achieve it.
There is a saying that people who don’t have time for exercise will ultimately have to find time for illness. Similarly, if you don’t find the resources for some badly needed relief, ultimately you’re going to burn out.
So don’t wait until you’re at the point of collapse (or divorce) to justify some help. After all, prevention is better than cure. Hiring some support is not a luxury or extravagance if your sanity, well-being or relationships are on the line. When it comes to the quality of your life, getting some help may be a lifesaver you can’t afford to do without.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness
but a sign of strength.
Proverb
Whatever path you have chosen - family, career, or both - you deserve a work/life ratio that doesn’t leave you on the brink of exhaustion. (I know from experience that a home does not look its best when the Lady of the House is in hospital.) In the workplace, work/life-balance is the new buzzword for success. All those high-powered execs heading for burnout are opting to downsize. But, if finances allow, why should women who devote their lives to their families not be entitled to the same basic need – that of balance?
Hiring help, then, can be a sound investment in your mental and physical health. But it can also be money well spent in terms of family harmony. There is an emotional and psychological element to cleaning up other people’s mess. If you are always the cleaner and they are always the ‘messers’, this can really affect your relationships. It’s easy to see how resentments can occur, even with those you love. (Watching someone carelessly wee all over a toilet you’ve just cleaned is really annoying – even if that someone is only 2½.)
So, opting for help is not a purely selfish endeavour. The entire household will undoubtedly benefit, if only from the reduced friction.
NOTE: If hiring help would involve financial stress or difficulty or incur more problems than it would alleviate, then maybe now is not the time. But if you decide you have the will, I believe you can find a way. In the meantime, fear not! Read on to discover some cost-free alternatives a little closer to home...
Keep it in the family
If, for whatever reason, you don’t take on external help (and even if you do - you’ll still have to tidy up before they come!), it makes sense to utilise existing labour sources. I’m referring to the Others. The people you live with. Now you may be thinking - if those we live with did their fair share, we wouldn’t need this book! But I believe it’s possible (and just) to recruit them in your domestic battle. It’s simply a case of finding the right approach...
Time to reconsider your family members, and to view them as potential allies, rather than the enemy.
(The following techniques are aimed at those with partners and/or children. However these principles are based on human nature and so could be applied to any form of [human] housemate.)
The following ideas are ways to encourage/coerce/bribe/trick family members into helping out, but this is not an immoral scheme. Neither is it taking an unfair advantage. You are just redressing an imbalance. Those you live with a) undoubtedly add to your workload, and b) (hopefully) care about your well-being. So you shouldn’t feel any guilt in enlisting their assistance (whether they are aware of it or not).
Besides, you can’t force people to do anything they don’t want to, for long. The trick is to get them to want to do it. So, here are a few simple tactics to make your housemates more willing (and more likely) to help out in the home.
Make a start.
If you just begin, strange things happen. People see what you’re doing and, bizarrely, they often want to be in on it. For example, if I make a start on the carnage that is my sons’ bedroom (making sure they’re present), they magically say, ‘Can we help you, Mummy?’
Similarly, if my husband is hanging round the kitchen and I run a sink full of hot soapy water, before mysteriously disappearing... when I return, he’s got his hands in the sink! This one baffles me but I’m happy to go with it. Give it a go - at the very worst you’ve got the job started (which can often be the hardest part).
Be visible.
Your efforts in the home will be valued, not by what you actually do, but by what the Others notice that you do. A favourite trick of mine is to beaver away with all the chores whilst family members are around to see it. Then I take my Me-Time when they’re all out. (I’m pretty sure they forget I even exist when they’re off ‘doing their thing’, so they’re not likely to wonder what I’ve been up to.)
If your family’s awareness of you consists of the busy person, caring for them and looking after the home, your efforts will be logged, both consciously and subconsciously. And when they feel that you do plenty for them, they will be naturally more inclined to help - they may even volunteer. (Hope springs eternal...)
Don’t nag.
I wish I had learned this years ago: nagging is counter-productive. I’ll say that again - nagging is counter-productive. Not only will it not yield the assistance you’re after, but it has the opposite effect! It creates resentment, making people less likely to want to help you.
Most people actually get enjoyment from helping others, but only if they believe it was their idea. Not if they were bullied into it. You want your family to enjoy helping, if only because then they’ll be far more likely to pitch in again in future. So try a lighter-hearted approach, and prepare to be amazed.
Ask.
People are not psychic. You may assume that they know, or ought to know, what you require of them. In reality, though, they often don’t. So, tell them! If you outline your expectations, coming to an agreement in a calm and pleasant manner before it becomes an issue, they are much more likely to oblige than if they are harangued by a frazzled banshee. (Plus they also have less excuse for not doing their bit...)
Appreciate.
Two very small words can go a long, long way: Thank you. Every single person on the planet wants to be appreciated. It really counts for a lot. And it is so easy to do! Though you may already appreciate it when someone helps out, if you don’t let them know, you are missing a powerful opportunity to a) increase your bond with that person, and b) encourage them to help you the next time.
Perhaps you feel that they ought to do it without thanks, and you may be right. But how much more inclined would you feel to do your duties, if you knew they were appreciated?
Play swaps.
Just maybe, the jobs you hate are fun to somebody else. And vice versa. For example, my ten-year-old son finds ironing very exciting. (He’s a boy, there’s a gadget involved...) I am less inclined toward the mountain of clean-but-crumpled clothes that need attention. On the other hand, he hates sorting out his toys, which appeals to my ordered brain. So we happily swap. It’s a great arrangement that gets the work done and also instills a spirit of teamwork and cooperation. (Though I’ve yet to find someone to barter with for the toilet cleaning...)
Just mention it.
I am constantly surprised by the power of simply mentioning a need or a wish - and this applies to life, not just housework. Just by commenting on my requirements, it’s amazing how things ‘coincidentally’ work out in my favour. For example, I may casually remark that I really love it when the bedroom floor is free of dirty clothes. Then later, as my husband is about to scatter his clothes where he may, he mysteriously pauses, then veers towards the laundry basket!
I know it sounds dubious but there’s a complex Jungian theory for this phenomenon (called ‘synchronicity’) which makes for fascinating, though mind-boggling, study (if you like that sort of thing). However, I don’t need to understand it to use it and enjoy the benefits. Try it, it’s fun!
Offer rewards.
When all else fails, get down to what everybody understands - bribery. This is a particularly effective tactic with young children, who can’t see benefits beyond their immediate needs. Sometimes you have to offer/withhold something they really want in order to get them to do something you really want.
The extent to which you employ this measure is a matter for you and your conscience...
A word about child labour
The job of a parent involves raising children to be valuable members of society - people who can not only look after themselves, but also have an empathy for the needs of others. It is only right and fair that they learn to contribute. So banish any guilt you may have about putting your children to work! (Obviously, this principle assumes responsible judgement and that you have no desire to exploit your children and give them unsuitable tasks, such as sending them up chimneys, etc...)
This practice not only helps to alleviate some of your workload, but you are actually doing your children, and their future families, a favour. And start young! Children are more likely to embrace the concepts of independence and helpfulness if they become a habit from an early age.
For example, if you have a policy that your children earn their pocket money (with age-appropriate tasks) - you will instill a work ethic that will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives. And children love responsibility! It boosts their confidence and self-esteem, and gives them a sense of achievement and pride.
"Never help a child with a task
at which he feels he can succeed."
Maria Montessori
Besides, what may seem like a tedious chore to you may have a novelty factor for a child. Children see everything as an opportunity to play. They’re not in a rush or preoccupied. They’ve got time to find the fun. In my house, give a child a cloth and a (non-toxic) spray bottle, point them in the direction of your grubbiest surfaces, and it’s smiles all round!
It’s a great idea to buy younger children miniature cooking and cleaning equipment, so they can copy you as you cook or clean. Children love to mimic and it’s how they learn. (I struggle to vacuum without one of my boys following me round with a toy version.) You will be simultaneously entertaining and bonding with your offspring whilst training future assistants. This practice will also provide your children with a valuable sense of the time and effort required in taking care of a home.
Please be aware, however, that if you decide to encourage your children to help around the house, it is necessary to take the long view. You may often feel that it’d be easier to do a job yourself, and on each single occasion, it most likely would be. But if you persevere, eventually, they’ll know what to do and will be able to do it by themselves. This will reap dividends in the long run. The help and assistance they provide in future years will make the training period worthwhile.
N.B. Children, like adults, respond better to jobs which have visible or measurable results. Reward charts are particularly effective with younger children. (It’s amazing what a child will do for a sticker!)
Delegate to the inanimate
It’s not only our fellow humans who can prevent us drowning in domesticity. Technological advances have changed the lot of homemakers immeasurably. For example, few of us now have to devote a whole day to washing. But we can, and should, take more advantage of these developments wherever possible.
Here you can exploit with abandon! There are no relationships to consider or feelings to be spared (although I swear my dishwasher performs better when I talk nicely to it...).
If you’ve got it - use it!
I have a friend who only uses her dishwasher at Christmas. Her husband insists it’s a waste of water and that it’s actually easier to wash the dishes, than to load, unload, and so on. (Arguably, either way is easy for him, as he leaves it all to his wife...) As I have said before, with responsibility comes power. If you’re doing the job - you get to do it your way. So, if you’d like to enlist electronic assistance, then do.
Equally, if you prefer to wash by hand, again, it’s your decision. However, please don’t give yourself extra work out of misplaced ideas of wastefulness. Washing dishes by hand uses approximately three times the water used by a dishwasher cycle. Appliances are usually more efficient than the equivalent human effort - that’s why they were invented! So, in making use of your dishwasher, you’ll be saving your time and the planet (not to mention your hands).
Keep up to date.
Be alert to new time-saving devices or energy-efficient inventions. My current favourite is the Robot Vacuum Cleaner. (There are both reasonable and blow-the-budget versions.) This little poppet pootles around your home, sucking up all the debris until the poor thing is exhausted - at which point he (I like to think of it as male) takes himself back to his little charging station. It’s probably not the greatest technological advance but think of the man/woman-hours to be saved across the world! In fact, one reviewer was so enamoured with this device, he was uncertain who he’d save first in the event of a fire - his wife or his RoboVac? (I bet Mrs Reviewer was chuffed to bits with this dubious gesture…)
There is also a sister product newly available, the Scooba robotic mop. It’s been getting some rave reviews but I have yet to enjoy its services. (Santa, if you’re listening...)
So haul your housework into the digital age. Keep an eye out for anything that could help automate your workload. There are TV shows and magazines devoted to the latest tech inventions, whilst websites are great for honest reviews that cut through the marketing hype.
Mouse power.
Internet shopping. Whether or not you’re a dedicated surfer, there are benefits to using this technology. Possibly the most time- (and back-) saving of these is getting your regular groceries delivered. Now you may actually enjoy the supermarket experience, the casual browsing, meandering up and down the aisles, etc… If so, you can still opt to venture out as the mood takes you. But for those boring, essential (and bulky or heavy) items - why not get them delivered? I, for one, find no joy in lugging loo rolls and washing detergent to and from my car.
So set up a list of those recurring weekly or monthly items and have someone else haul them from store to door. And if anyone tells you that’s lazy, tell them it’s not. It’s efficient outsourcing. So there.
What mess?
I have been a student of feng shui for a number of years. Though some of the principles can be quite complex, one notion that I came across struck me with its wonderful simplicity (not to mention its potential for application to a messy home).
The particular nugget of enlightenment was this: The negative effects of elements that create Poison Arrows, Missing Corners, or Inauspicious Chi, etc, are all diminished... if you can’t see them.
So even if you have some evil chi gathering in pockets in your home, you can rob it of its power (over you) by simply not seeing it.
Can you spot the potential for (temporary) relief? For example, if you’re too utterly exhausted to tackle the playroom - just close the door! Or if your spare room is a little frightening - don’t go in there! You literally make things worse by looking at it - so don’t!
Out of sight, out of mind.
Proverb
Obviously the applications are limited, i.e. you can’t stay out of the kitchen forever. Also, the mess will undoubtedly still be there when you do next venture in (though miracles do happen...). But until you can deal with it, don’t torture yourself with the sight of it.
This simple practice will reduce your feelings of overwhelm and plug a leak of your precious mental energy, which you can then devote to more pressing matters.
Bite the bullet
If you’re fighting a losing battle that you simply cannot win, stop fighting!
There comes a point when it makes sense to deploy more rational (and healthier) tactics such as acceptance, patience and tolerance. These may not always be the easiest option (sometimes, bizarrely, we prefer to get upset), but it can be done. And it can be as simple as making the decision to do so.
You can actually decide to refuse to let something bug you. Even the phrase ‘let it bug you’ implies that we have the power to choose - which we do!
In deciding to not rise to the bait, you regain control. Perhaps you can’t control the state of the house/family/life, etc, - but you can control how it affects you. You are in control of how you react. A person or circumstance can only annoy you with your permission. And where does ‘being annoyed’ get you anyway?
Richard Carlson (author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It’s All Small Stuff) offers this advice: ‘Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgement, everything would be fine.’
If you decide to practice more acceptance of the things you can’t control - they may still happen, but they will bother you less. Then you can devote your energy to the areas where you can make a difference.
God
grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom
to know the difference.
Serenity Prayer
So, learn to recognise those instances when you cannot win. Accept those inalienable truths: Children will leave out their toys. People will make crumbs in your kitchen. There will always be laundry.
Stop fighting the inevitable. Embrace acceptance. This is not defeat. This is enlightened housekeeping.
Let battle commence!
Once you have eliminated, reduced, delegated, ignored or accepted what you can - it’s time to cope with what’s left...
Baby Steps
It is better to take many small steps in the right direction
than to make a great leap forward only to stumble back.
Chinese proverb
One piece of advice that changed my whole approach to housework was from the wonderful ‘FlyLady’ website. Among many other useful insights, FlyLady highlights the delusional nature of those of us who say things like, I won’t pick up that item yet, as I’ll do a proper tidy-up later. Or, I’ll leave that spill for now because I’m going to have a Big Kitchen Clean tomorrow. Of course, those mammoth sessions are few and far between and in the meantime, the work is heading dangerously towards overwhelming levels.
So the sage FlyLady’s advice is to take baby steps. Avoid the ‘all or nothing’ mindset. In other words (and borrowing from a certain sporting goods manufacturer): Just do it! Just do that one little job. After all, overwhelm only arises from the accumulation of little jobs which have been left un-done.
Little and Often
This ‘Little and Often’ technique is a favourite among professional housekeepers - because it works! Plus, it’s much easier to motivate yourself to do a small job than to find the strength for a Herculean effort. And it can be more efficient - because you deal with jobs as they arise (many jobs become more time-consuming the longer they are left). But perhaps most importantly in cases of overwhelm, any action, however small, will help you feel that you’re still in control.
There is another hidden power to this strategy, which lies in what it prevents - the chance to think too much about your housework.
For example, I have a friend who spends one day a week cleaning her whole house. One full day! Her son is at nursery two days a week, so one of her precious pockets of peace is spent doing housework. This obviously works for her, and each to their own. But for women of a certain mindset it’s a recipe for resentment and frustration.
I am one such woman. If I were to spend a whole day cleaning, that small voice in my head would be grumbling, What a waste of a day. I really don’t want to be doing this. I hate spending so much time on housework. I’d much rather be doing x,y and z.... Even after the work was done, I’d still begrudge the time spent, because within hours, the house would no longer be spotless. So where were the fruits of a whole day’s labour?
If you are subject to similar depressing and destructive musings, the baby steps approach will help to nip them in the bud. These mini-efforts may (or may not) amount to more than one full day’s labour, but it’s the psychological impact that we’re concerned with here. Your mental state dictates the state of your home, health and sanity. More important than cutting your housework time, is ensuring you emerge with your mental health intact.
However, if you love to immerse yourself in a Great Big Clean and that works for you, by all means, stick with it. But be aware that spending large chunks of time on domestic work opens up a lot of potential for the negative brain-chatter to kick in. And be honest - if you’re so overwhelmed with chores, will you really find the necessary time, energy or inclination?
The ‘3-Sees’ Rule
Let’s imagine you notice a little something that needs doing. But you don’t do it. Maybe you have a valid reason - you’re rushing out, you have a child in your arms, the phone’s ringing, dinner’s burning, etc. That’s okay, that’s real life. So you leave it, for now. However, you will have mentally logged it, so the next time you see it, instead of thinking, Oh, that needs doing, this time you think, Oh, no, not that again.