EARTHBOUND TRAVELLER
A Novel by
İpek Kadılar Altıner
Translated by
John Baker
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Ipek Kadılar Altıner
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Chapter 1: Vuslat
I don’t remember anything before what I consider to be my red years, my formative years. The image of a family presented in all the advertising films is usually very ‘Disney like’. I have always considered myself as the child of a white collar family. You know, where dad comes home at the same time every day to find that mum has been to the market to buy provisions before preparing and setting the table for the evening meal. They live on an average income in an average home. They will save up to buy a bicycle and siblings will wear their brothers’ and sisters’ hand-me-downs. If you asked me even today whether I had such memories I would probably answer in an instant that I had. But in reality I neither remember seeing my mother going to the market nor knowing when my father was coming home in the evening. However I do seem to remember that everyone had a bike. We had almost everything we needed but unfortunately I have to admit that most of the people living in that house were a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
I am about to be sucked in by a whirlpool again. I feel as if I want to rebel but without reason. I need someone to wave a magic wand and clear these ideas from my mind. The only magic wand I can expect is in my psychiatrist’s drawer, another reason to revolt. I was always punctual for my appointments with doctors but never, never was I seen on time. And here we are again sitting with other mortals waiting to be seen. Even the piles of dog-eared magazines on the table that have been leafed through by bored patients no longer have any appeal.
Maybe we should forget about the idea that a psychiatrist shouldn’t keep his patients waiting but I still think that he should be a bit more concerned than simply providing a little distraction from time to time. Or shouldn’t he? Although no-one today necessarily cares about the niceties of life or anyone else’s feelings, shouldn’t at least a psychiatrist care? After all, would I have been waiting here if I really believed that he was someone who didn’t care about anyone? Every time I try to detach myself from such ideas that come into my head I get stuck with a different sorrow. The more I struggle to think about superficial things the more I seem to slip into deeper thoughts and questions. Can life ever be superficial?
I must have been six or seven years old at the time. I remember staff continuously cooking in the kitchen for the family, our birthdays and my mother’s at home days. My father apparently had an important job but I had no idea what he did. He earned enough to support my mother, my older sister, myself, his own sister, my grandfather and those my mother referred to as ‘the world and his wife’ whenever she was irritated. I remember how my father used to avoid confrontation and yet in those days whenever she brought up the subject of her getting a job we could all hear their endless rows echoing through the house like a howling gale. We couldn’t hear each other talking and struggled to get to sleep. We were a self-centred family without a second thought for anyone else.
To see my mother Adalet you wouldn’t have believed that within that fragile frame lurked the personality of a battle axe. Not only was she beautiful but also very talented. She cooked wonderful meals, sewed beautiful gowns and made delicious jams. She could wield a mighty pen and even use a drill if necessary. This being said if she felt that she was not appreciated she could get really bad tempered and if criticised she could be as hard as nails. She was prevented from pursuing a career firstly by her mother and then by her husband but she still seemed determined to achieve her goals. Whenever her husband, her mother, her friends or neighbours pointed out that as a mother of two she had no claim to a career she argued fiercely that there was no reason why she couldn’t combine both motherhood and a career. In fact it seems that Adalet, who was always restless, spent her life arguing left right and centre about this that and the other as if trying to make up for her lost years. She appeared to have spent her youth with a passion for learning, not usual for a beautiful girl of her time. Indeed her mother had no qualms in punishing her for her persistence when she finally finished her education by adamantly refusing to allow her to work. ‘You’re absolutely not going to look for a job.’
Chapter 2: Adalet
The same year that Marilyn Monroe shook the world with her ‘very beautiful, naïve, woman in need of protection’ image Adalet was running to and from school. She was bursting with excitement because she had managed to gain entry into a university when the term ended. Life had bestowed upon her the looks of a Hollywood film star; it had given her femininity and intelligence but had deprived her of the calm and harmony possessed by many women. It was as though life had been mischievous by giving her this dichotomy of traits wanting to see how she would deal with it.
Adalet’s mother had never even considered it necessary to hide her discontent in having to raise her. In fact one couldn’t even say honestly that she had been ‘raised’. As far as her mother was concerned Adalet had come to life just like a seed blown by the wind. She had taken root in her mother’s womb unexpectedly and certainly unplanned thus making her existence an inconvenience. Her father, who was responsible for this unplanned pregnancy, had to contend with his wife’s reproaches throughout the whole nine months. Her mother, who was already frail following the birth of her first daughter about a year earlier, felt very unwell and angry the moment Adalet was born. This situation had created an alliance between father and daughter from that very moment. Without actually declaring solidarity they managed to make each others life bearable. An occasional smile, some affection at an appropriate time or even a tolerant glance sufficed to ease their circumstances.
That seed which was Adalet took root with great determination and managed to survive despite its harsh surroundings. It grew through every season unhindered by rain or storm. Her mother and older sister regarded her as a weed in their flower bed and continually tried to tear her out by the roots but, from the moment her beauty became apparent she was marked out as a rare and carefully tended flower which branched out and grew even more vigorously.
Adalet was a very studious girl who wanted to know about everything around her particularly the natural sciences and medicine totally avoiding subjects such as sewing, cooking and decorating; the subjects much preferred by the young women of the day. They lived in a very nice house full of antiques, tapestries and fine furniture upholstered in magnificent silks. Adalet was in the habit of leaving her books scattered about much to the annoyance of her mother who destroyed any that she found lying around. With time Adalet got into the habit of fighting against the odds. She took to reading her books in bed, in the bathroom and even up a tree where she knew she would not be disturbed. In spite of all the obstacles put in her way she spent as much time as possible studying her favourite subjects. All of her academic endeavours were treated contemptuously but when her less intelligent sister got her diploma from the finishing school what a fuss was made of her. Surely a bigger fuss would be made when she graduated but in the meantime she just had to put up with her family’s attitude. It was during that period that she learnt a lesson from her elder sister who continuously bragged about herself saying how good she was. That lesson? That one has to praise oneself at every opportunity.
When Adalet went to university she became more withdrawn and inaccessible. She behaved like a Commander-in-Chief surrounding herself with an impenetrable border keeping out all-comers. However, from time to time she alone would decide to take a short stroll outside but soon returned. Adalet plunged head first into her life at the faculty with great enthusiasm. There were far more guys than girls there but on her very first day she met up with a small group of rather interesting girls but after only a few hours they began to shun her. Obviously they considered this gorgeous girl competition and a threat. On the other hand the opposite sex welcomed what they saw as an eccentric, trouser-wearing princess with open arms. Adalet didn’t allow this to side-track her. She ploughed on and held on to life with all her strength not yielding to disapproving looks and getting used to talking about her own good points as if she were talking about someone else. She did her best to cultivate friendship with members of both sexes and then along came Şevket. He was handsome, intelligent, came from a good background and furthermore he was a successful lawyer. That was that, she married him because she particularly admired him and she soon had her first child by him.
It can be said that Şevket fell in love with Adalet at first sight. They met at their mutual friend Ali Risa and his wife Hikmet’s house. Adalet’s beauty had left Şevket breathless and her gaiety eased the tension around the dinner table. Even though, throughout the evening, Şevket sensed that Hikmet felt a bit overshadowed by Adalet, as he was walking home all that remained in his mind was an evening of fun and Adalet’s brilliant personality. He decided there and then that this young woman was that ‘ideal wife’ he had been looking for; the sort of woman he had begun to believe didn’t exist. Not only was she beautiful but she was also intelligent and cheerful, so he decided to give his mother the good news.
Şevket was the apple of his mother’s eye. Even though she had three more sons Şevket’s place in her heart was very special. As she was in the habit of giving Şevket more than he expected she had tried to introduce him to the eligible and suitable daughters of her friends and acquaintances, without success. She was beginning to worry that her Şevket would remain a bachelor forever. Unbeknown to her Ayşe Hanım, who was a most sincere and devoted mother, had become something of a role model for her son. Like a lot of young men Şevket hoped to find a wife with the same qualities as his mother, in fact he had fantasised that she would have all that and more. Adalet was a beautiful modern woman full of life and as far as Şevket’s feelings and ideas were concerned she was very suitable. Being totally devoted to her son as she was Ayşe Hanım gave her consent in spite of some reservations. Şevket was so love-struck at the time that he didn’t take into account the repercussions of their differences. He got married with mad enthusiasm.
In the life she shared with Şevket, Adalet neither managed to remain a Commander-in-Chief nor a princess. She couldn’t lay the foundations of a good marriage because she had little knowledge of the unspoken rules based upon tradition nor could she adapt to those she had heard about. She could neither be her children’s mother and her husband’s rescued princess nor exist as a business woman careering from success to success. Her marriage began to crumble for reasons she didn’t know or understand and her husband distanced himself from her with more and more anger as each day passed. Whenever they went out together to visit friends she did her best to breathe life into their relationship by exchanging ideas with the men folk rather than gossiping with the women. Unfortunately this had the opposite effect and every time this happened she realised that, sadly, her husband distanced himself even further.
Adalet didn’t give in for a long time. She did her best to widen her knowledge and gain more respect from those around her without ever yielding. Whenever she was alone with Şevket she tried to relight that glint in his eye when she first mastered the ability to dazzle him with her beauty and intellect. Life continued to play its little tricks. After all her efforts Adalet had finally succeeded in becoming a unique person both according to her husband and her friends. She was like no other woman and could therefore not be categorized.
Adalet had another child six years later thus increasing the routine household chores. The surfaces she had missed while dusting, the few shirts she had postponed washing, the coffee she neglected to make after dinner, the guests she had been unable to entertain appropriately, all these things had widened the rift between herself and her husband. It was as though a wall of ice existed between them. As Adalet was raised as an only child she didn’t know what it meant to feel lonely. Far from finding solace in her loneliness she struggled fiercely to break down the ice wall. She made a great effort to devote herself to her husband and children trying desperately to melt that wall. She dusted everywhere meticulously; she made pastries and worked laboriously with her staff in the house sorting out the washing and ironing and the cooking. However, much as she tried she couldn’t replace what was missing in her marriage. Because being servile was an anathema to her she would enter into intricate discussions about technology while supervising the cooking ending up with disastrous results. So, sadly, all her efforts came to nothing.
Adalet was so determined to be appreciated by her husband, her mother and her neighbours that she ended up neglecting her studies. Şevket wasn’t against her studying and never uttered a word to stop her. Devoting all her time to her marriage cost her the career she always wished for and the fact that this happened in order to save a marriage that everyone else knew was on the rocks filled her with an enormous resentment. She refused to blame those that criticised her abilities as a wife and a mother and instead blamed the walls that separated her from those she loved.
Eventually she left her home leaving a note for Şevket and her children with the maid. She had decided that she had to leave to escape the walls that were closing in on her.
Chapter 3: Şevket
As the first born son of a highly honoured family Şevket came into the world with a silver spoon in his mouth. On the very first day that he sat at a table opposite his father while being served by his mother and sister he was too young to appreciate the respect shown to him. He accepted that his existence represented power as naturally as rain fell from the skies. Whereas most children born into a similar background exasperated their parents by running around like horse-files and forever getting under their feet Şevket impressed his friends, family and neighbours with his modesty and intelligence. He mastered the art of diplomacy easily soon realising that a woman can be elegant and sensitive while a man should be dignified and polite. He treated people with respect and was loved and respected in return. Osman Bey, his father, was a highly regarded man in society and was a force to be reckoned with. He was certainly a role model for Şevket who also enjoyed listening to his mother playing the piano. He was more than happy to eat whatever was served to him at the table never wanting the forbidden alcohol and cigarettes. There was a certain distance between himself and his father which he respected along with all the other rules and traditions within his family. Having been treated as a very special person throughout his childhood he grew up with a confidence that never weakened. He observed his father’s authority as if watching a film trailer of his own future and never once rebelled even in his passionate early life. He certainly had his share of excesses during his university days and at times even overstepped the lines laid down by his family by bending the rules. Eventually he most emphatically took his place at the pinnacle of society.
The thought of marriage didn’t cross his mind even though no woman ever turned down his advances and no woman in his family ever questioned his authority. He never wished to take on the responsibility of another family or to father a child. That is until he met Adalet.
He was bowled over with excitement the moment he saw Adalet. She was beautiful, intelligent and unique. Şevket had a smart intelligence and an indestructible self confidence. It never occurred to him to analyse the qualities that made such a woman unique nor to necessarily worry about them or even to feel nervous about such an unusual woman. He was raised in a culture that considered a woman worthy of respect. He had never witnessed a feminine quality that could be considered unbearable nor ever imagined that one could not live with a woman. The only experience he had of an unbearable feminine trait that he didn’t know how to deal with was when his mother cried for hours on her ‘difficult days’. Another bad experience which caused him to panic was when a lover threatened to commit suicide if he left her. This type of experience was all part of growing up.
Şevket loved Adalet’s family as soon as he met them and they returned that love with the same enthusiasm. Adalet’s mother and elder sister were both well-groomed, well mannered and resourceful women; her father was a veritable gentleman. The two families merged together with great joy and married off their children with due ceremony. Şevket couldn’t believe how lucky he was but this happiness was soon to be overshadowed.
The following morning Şevket awoke with a dreadful hangover due to the excesses of the wedding. He coyly asked Adalet to fix something to clear his head hoping that she would pamper him a bit and display some of her skills. He thought that maybe she would offer him mint tea with cloves for instance; all he got was an aspirin and a glass of water. After swallowing the pill without complaint he asked Adalet if she would mind making him a cup of Turkish coffee. ‘I don’t know how to,’ she replied without feeling at all guilty about it. When, during the following days, he had to make do with the food the maid cooked he soon realised that the entire running of the house would lie with this same woman’s limited abilities. Şevket then woke up to something that he had not realised before, that he was a fastidious man. He had been used to his mother’s ways. She was absolutely meticulous about everything being in order and supervised her maids in every aspect of the running of the house; the cleaning, the cooking and even the laying of the table. He came to the conclusion that his wife’s shortcomings were due to the fact that she hadn’t experienced the same upbringing so took it upon himself to teach her the finer skills of running a home. Adalet did her best to follow Şevket’s tuition which he imparted with great tact and sensitivity but unfortunately it was just not in her nature to deal with such things. She was to remember this period of her life as when her husband continually criticised her and tried to teach her things that she had no interest in at all. Not being used to polite requests she never attached any importance to them. As for any request made reproachfully or heavy handedly she simply ignored these and pushed them aside together with all the other things she was not interested in.
Şevket did not know what had hit him and he felt rather confused when he realised that the disciplined system he was used to was slipping through his fingers. No longer were all of his shirts washed and ironed. In the morning there was no breakfast unless he prepared it. Their bed was seldom made and frequently strewn with books. The house was never tidy and often covered in dust.
Her mother-in-law’s siding with her son left Adalet even more out in the cold. Even though Şevket was still besotted by his wife’s good looks and sense of humour with time he became less and less enamoured of her. Şevket was raised by a totally dedicated mother who absolutely idolised him and he hoped that with the birth of their first daughter Canan things would improve. He hoped that like his mother and all the other women he knew Adalet would mellow,calm down and devote herself to her family.
Chapter 4: Vuslat
The fights, arguments and reconciliations between my parents are all part of my childhood memories. I never for an instant felt that these altercations would leave indelible traces or would harm my spirits. I remember certain episodes as if they were films I had watched back then. I believed in the efforts they made to appear as either the villain or the hero of the piece. In my mind I have edited together every one of those scenes where they each tried to influence me with their explanations and attention. I can still recall certain key words that were used during these manoeuvres; ‘we’re moving’, ‘gone’, ‘couldn’t care less.’
There is something stirring deep inside me; there’s a lump in my throat and I feel like crying like a child and doing something really criminal. It is possible that behind one of these words lies a hidden meaning which may be the key to my future decisions.
‘Dead.’
‘Couldn’t care less.’